1 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:46,240 Five nowt! Five nowt! We were lucky to get the nowt! 2 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,760 Oh, when the Bees go marching in 3 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:52,240 ♪ Oh, when the Bees go marching in! 4 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,200 Why would bees go marching in? They'd fly, dickhead! 5 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,680 Dah! Look, you're all upset cos you lost, didn't you! 6 00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,600 And you've gotta live 'oop north'! 7 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,680 'Ooh, can I have some mushy peas, please?!' 8 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:05,240 That's if you can afford any, mate. You got any jobs left up here? 9 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:09,000 Yeah. We all work in a lemonade factory so we can keep watering down your shandy. 10 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:12,800 Won't forget your face, mate. 11 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,760 Course you won't, cos your shandy's too weak and you can't get bladdered! 12 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,720 Go suck on an ale, Shandy Andy! 13 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,400 Oh, when the Bees go marching in... 14 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:24,520 ♪ When the Bees go marching in...! 15 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,520 That told them, didn't it? 16 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:35,440 Phone, can you tell me what is the next home game for Stockport? 17 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,280 Any chance you can show off with that a bit more? 18 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:40,280 'Search for stock cube. ' - Stock cube? 19 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:44,120 Don't you start. Your phone can't even ring Julie's number. 20 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,840 Just waiting for the right moment. 21 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,960 You've been waiting for that since we left school. Just get her rung. - I will. - Go on, then. 22 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,560 - Who are you, my mother? - You say you'll do it. Do it now! 23 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,080 - All right. - Go on. 24 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,800 It's ringing. 25 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,560 - It's the answer phone. - All right. Just stay calm. 26 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,000 Be yourself. Keep it brief. 27 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,200 Hi, Julie. 28 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:15,240 It's Glyn. 29 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:18,640 Bye. 30 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,480 Well, it was brief. 31 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,480 All it lacked was some heavy breathing. 32 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,920 Do you know where she lives? Go round and ask her out? 33 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,760 - Oh, I can't do that. - Why not invite her to Hodge's anniversary do tonight? 34 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:34,280 - Defo. More the merrier. - You need to have a good one after last year. 35 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,280 - What happened last year? - He threw Kath down the stairs! 36 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,480 I did not throw her! 37 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,920 We had a few drinks. I was carrying her up the stairs, 38 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:46,680 she was wearing a silk kimono, lost my footing and she slipped out of my hands like a wet mackerel. 39 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,720 Here they are! Didn't your team know it was a lunchtime kick off? 40 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:53,600 Tell you what, I've got to admire you lads for sticking with that shower. 41 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,920 But if you wanna see some real football, United game's just started. 42 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,480 Warren, that's piracy - streaming games from Scandinavia. 43 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:05,280 For educational purposes, son! I'm learning to say 'the referee's a vanker' in Swedish. 44 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,160 Will you please turn it off, because it reminds me of Colleen. 45 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,080 Yeah, we've been rowing again. 46 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,840 Hang on, hang on, you'll understand when I tell you why. 47 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:17,120 She wants me to go to... 48 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,280 .. Old Trafford. 49 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,000 Why? What-what - Why would she - Why?! 50 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,360 Dunno. Her company's got a box there. 51 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,840 Free buffet and bar, Colleen's been invited... 52 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,480 She wants me to go with her. - Old Trafford... 53 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,520 - You did say no, didn't you? - Oh, God, that's why we're rowing! 54 00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,280 Get yourself a girlfriend, Beggs! Find out how it works. 55 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,880 Man up, Daz. I want you and Colleen there tonight. 56 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,640 I want everyone there. 57 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,400 Or at least 10 of you. 58 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,800 Tight arse has got discount vouchers only valid for 10 or more - 59 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,800 Whoa! United nearly scored then! 60 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,800 See! This is how it starts. 61 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,520 - Did you win? - No. Five nil. 62 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:35,760 Colleen! 63 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,080 I'm - I'm all right about it! 64 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,040 I am! 65 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,840 You see, this is what I'm talking about. 66 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,120 You could turn that five upside down at United. 67 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,760 I've just googled their buffet menu. They do samosas. 68 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:49,880 Ooh... 69 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,800 Who would have thought they built paradise at Old Trafford? 70 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:56,200 So, are you on for tonight? Hodge needs at least 10 people. 71 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:58,720 Oh, Daz, when you put it like that, how can I say no? 72 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,640 The truth is, Bev's had some bad news. 73 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:04,880 Eh? 74 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:09,760 - Ian was murdered this morning. - Who's Ian? 75 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:11,880 Oh... 76 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,360 Ian... 77 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,560 He'll be in heaven now, won't he, Col? 78 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,960 Where no more Renault Espaces can run him over. 79 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,040 Yeah, yeah... 80 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,120 You know, you need to grieve alone and you'll want your own space. 81 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,960 I can always take Colleen out tonight, you know? 82 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,640 Daz, you're so sweet but Col's gonna help me with my poem. 83 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:32,360 Poem? 84 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,200 For Ian's book of condolences web page. Hmm... 85 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,680 Like what they did with Lady Di, only online. 86 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,760 It begins, 'Dearest Ian, up in heaven... ' 87 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,200 That's as far as I got. 88 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,000 Oh, OK. Er... What about this? 89 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,640 Dearest Ian, up in heaven 90 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,360 I always wondered, is it a bit like Devon. 91 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,520 Mmm... no. 92 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,360 He never went to Devon. 93 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,400 Hi, Julie. All right? 94 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,840 Yeah, I were just passing. I'm on my way to the shops. 95 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,440 I- I come this way because, one, it's quicker 96 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,360 and two, I miss out all the lights on the main road. 97 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,520 It doesn't matter why I was passing, does it? 98 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,760 It's normal to pass. People pass all the time! 99 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,880 Just give me a break, will you? This is hard! 100 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,560 This is ridiculous. She might not even be in. 101 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,880 Ha ha, there she is! 102 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,600 My pride and joy! 'Ey, guess where I am. 103 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,680 Grandma's! 104 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,720 - Hiya, Grandma. - Hello, Kelly, love! 105 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,400 Mum, it's got a microphone. 106 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,680 You don't have to shout all the way to Australia. 107 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,680 - You all right, love? - Yeah, tired. 108 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,480 It's already midnight here. 109 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,440 Is it really? Isn't that clever. 110 00:06:58,480 --> 00:06:59,960 I've just been to Morrisons. 111 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,320 'Ey, and you'll never guess what, they've moved the goujons. 112 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,680 All right. She's not gonna wanna know about that! 113 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:10,280 - Well, she used to love goujons. - You still up. Oh, hello, Beggsy. 114 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,840 All right, Mandy. 115 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,000 Oh, hang on. I just wanna show you something. 116 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,040 'Ey, she's growing up, isn't she? 117 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,600 Oh, God, you smell great! 118 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:25,960 - Wayne... - Huh? What? 119 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,880 Oh! Hi, Beggsy. 120 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,120 - How's the weather there, Wayne? - Oh, the usual, hot and sunny. There? 121 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:39,000 - Shit awful. - Look, I got this at the surf club. 122 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,880 Oh-oh, wow! 123 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,840 Yeah, she's come along great, eh? 124 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:47,880 If you don't mind, I think I'd better get a certain young lady to bed. It's way past her bedtime. 125 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,640 OK. Night, Dad! 126 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,360 Night, love! 127 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,120 - Well, see you, then. - Yeah. 128 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,080 - Look, she's only got the one dad. - It's OK. I'm fine. 129 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:04,400 I AM! 130 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,040 Come on. Tell me about these bloody goujons! 131 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,920 Ooh, it were anarchy! 132 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,920 It were like the riots all over again. 133 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,120 Hiya! 134 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,920 I got your text. 'Just passing. Glyn. ' 135 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,440 Nearly as short as your answer phone message. 136 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,360 Right, OK, then. I'll - I'll see ya. 137 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,680 Paddy Hodgkinson! 138 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,440 Remember him? 139 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:40,040 Erm... Once, he forgot to do his flies up after PE. 140 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:43,520 - Oh, yeah, Hodge the Todge? - Yeah. It's his anniversary tonight. 141 00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:46,360 He's having this posh do in Manchester and he's paying. Huh? 142 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,640 - So I was wondering if - - Tonight? Oh, I can't. 143 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,360 I've got my salsa class down the Legion, you know? 144 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,760 I never miss it, so... 145 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,760 Well, you know, but maybe we could go out some other time? - Yeah. OK. 146 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,400 Great. Well, call me. I'll call you. 147 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,200 Or text you. Yeah... Nice to meet you. 148 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,800 See ya! See ya. Nice to see ya... 149 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,000 OK, then. 150 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:21,840 You're bloody useless. 151 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:27,720 Wow! 152 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,160 You should see what's underneath. 153 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,520 - Boo! - 'Ey! Fun first, filth later. 154 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:40,240 Ahh... Such a nice idea inviting your best man and my bridesmaids. 155 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,320 See, brings the whole day back somehow. 156 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,320 You walking down that aisle. 157 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,800 And you shaking like a shitting dog. 158 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:53,920 Hiya, Jan! It's me. Just calling to say we're all meeting in the bar at six tonight, not seven. 159 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,360 So... 160 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,440 My anniversary do? 161 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,040 Well, you should all know about it. Didn't you get Hodges' email? 162 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,960 Well, where are you? 163 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,960 The Isle of bloody Skye? What you doing there? 164 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,600 Weekend break! Right. 165 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,440 Stormy there, is it? 166 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,520 Yeah, I think it's gonna get stormy here in a minute, as well. 167 00:10:18,980 --> 00:10:23,060 Salsa classes? And you've just accepted that? Then you let her go off on her merry way? 168 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,780 Well, I'll be seeing her again. 169 00:10:24,820 --> 00:10:27,500 Did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby? 170 00:10:27,540 --> 00:10:30,220 People don't go to salsa classes to dance, you dippy sod! 171 00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:34,820 They go there to meet people. She's on the pull, this Julie girl! 172 00:10:34,860 --> 00:10:37,460 - No way... - It's a knocking shop! 173 00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:39,740 They're there to try and get their leg over! 174 00:10:41,380 --> 00:10:43,820 Er... Where are these classes taking place? 175 00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,900 At the Legion. You know, down Desford Road. 176 00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:47,900 The Legion, them bloody sleazebags! 177 00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:50,060 I'd get down there pretty sharp if I was you! 178 00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:52,060 Yeah, you're right, you're right. 179 00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,740 - Oh... - Wait there, have another drink, lad. 180 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:58,420 Don't wanna appear too desperate. Bit of Dutch courage! - Oh, cheers, Warren. 181 00:10:58,460 --> 00:11:01,620 Heh heh... That'll er... be £2.80, please, son. 182 00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:08,380 No, Meera, it's fine. You can't get a babysitter, you can't get one. 183 00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:12,660 It's our fault. Well, it's Hodges' fault. See ya. 184 00:11:12,980 --> 00:11:15,700 Brilliant! You've told all my friends the WRONG date! 185 00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:18,820 Typo on the email. It's a mistake anybody could make. 186 00:11:18,860 --> 00:11:20,580 But which you specialise in! 187 00:11:20,620 --> 00:11:24,380 No, Donna, no Meena, Jan's away. Did you contact Summer? 188 00:11:24,420 --> 00:11:26,420 Summer? No. 189 00:11:26,460 --> 00:11:29,140 Brilliant! I'll have no bridesmaids there! 190 00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:32,940 So, basically, it's a lads' night out plus me! 191 00:11:32,980 --> 00:11:35,980 No, no. Colleen's coming. She's a girl. 192 00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:41,340 Sweetheart, you do not wanna know what will happen if anything else goes wrong tonight, 193 00:11:41,380 --> 00:11:44,820 but it will involve your testicles and my curling tongs. 194 00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:03,500 What the bloody hell are you doing here? 195 00:12:03,540 --> 00:12:05,540 I've come to give you moral support. 196 00:12:05,580 --> 00:12:08,740 Let her see you've got mates. - Mates with bad dress sense? 197 00:12:08,780 --> 00:12:10,980 - Christ... - Genuine silk this, lad. 198 00:12:11,020 --> 00:12:14,820 All the way from bloody Italy. You can glare it back, the wingspan of that collar! 199 00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:17,220 Come on, which one is she, the lovely Julie? 200 00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:23,540 Oh, dear me. - What, she's gorgeous. 201 00:12:23,580 --> 00:12:25,780 Absolutely. Every bloke in here 202 00:12:25,820 --> 00:12:28,980 will be drawn to her like sharks to a bloody candle. 203 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,980 She's seen us! All right. Please. 204 00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:39,100 Glyn? 205 00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:41,540 Julie?! 206 00:12:41,580 --> 00:12:43,820 Huh! It's - It's Julie. 207 00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:46,900 What... Julie... Fancy seeing you here. 208 00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:51,660 I told you I was coming here. Erm... What are you doing here with erm... 209 00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:54,540 Oh, I'm Warren. I'm a mate of Glyn's. - Not really. 210 00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:59,060 He's been drinking in my pub since he was that high. Nice lad. Soft in the head but he means well. 211 00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:02,700 Oh, and he's single, you know? Been single for a few years - 212 00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:06,260 - Shouldn't you be going? - What about that girl you went with a few years ago? 213 00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:08,860 What was her name - the big, the big heavy girl, worked in Greggs'. 214 00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:11,260 Always smelt of pasties. - Sharon. 215 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:14,140 Even Sharon dumped him and then he was devastated 216 00:13:14,180 --> 00:13:17,340 because she'd slip him the old free sausage rolls, you see. 217 00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:19,420 Oh... 218 00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:24,140 Right, yeah, the class is starting now. Er... Have you come to join us? 219 00:13:24,180 --> 00:13:25,220 Yeah! 220 00:13:27,820 --> 00:13:29,460 Yeah. 221 00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:34,060 Because you were saying you were coming here and I thought, 'Glyn, why don't you give it a whirl?' 222 00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:36,740 I thought you were going for a meal with Hodge the Todge? 223 00:13:36,780 --> 00:13:39,220 - Cancelled that. Last minute. - Oh... Right, great. 224 00:13:39,260 --> 00:13:41,020 Well, come on. 225 00:13:41,060 --> 00:13:44,420 - Are... Are you joining us? - Oh, yes - No. 226 00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:46,940 Oh, yes. I'll teach you young 'uns a thing or two! 227 00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,060 Ooh... Ow... 228 00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:52,500 Oh. 229 00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:55,500 Always remember, warm up first. That's the first rule. 230 00:13:57,820 --> 00:13:59,740 Bit of a twinge... 231 00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:12,500 - You sure you'll be OK, Bev? - I'm fine. 232 00:14:12,540 --> 00:14:16,740 You go and have a good time. I never realised you had a sensitive side, Daz. 233 00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:20,540 I always thought you were a selfish twat. 234 00:14:22,060 --> 00:14:23,740 Thanks so much for the poem. 235 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,660 'Oh no, do not grieve for me 236 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,220 It's great up here with no doggies 237 00:14:28,260 --> 00:14:30,580 Now stop crying, get on with your life 238 00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,380 And buy another moggy. ' 239 00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:34,620 - Perfect. - I think so. 240 00:14:34,980 --> 00:14:36,660 Come on, Wordsworth. 241 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,780 See you later, Bev. 242 00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:43,140 Hiya! 243 00:14:43,180 --> 00:14:45,100 Happy anniversary! 244 00:14:45,660 --> 00:14:47,900 Right, then, let's get this show running. 245 00:14:47,940 --> 00:14:49,620 We've had some cancellations. 246 00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:53,060 They're not cancellations if they weren't invited in the first place. 247 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,380 Anniversary! Celebration! 248 00:14:55,420 --> 00:14:57,620 Can we please start having a good time! 249 00:14:57,660 --> 00:15:00,500 You sound like the Child Catcher, when you raise your voice. 250 00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:07,460 Hola, everybody. 251 00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:08,740 Salsa... 252 00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:11,060 .. is-a lik-a life. 253 00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:13,580 The more you put into it, the more you get out. 254 00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:17,580 Now, salsa has been a part of my people's culture for generations. 255 00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:19,420 He sounds as though he's from Burnley. 256 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:22,340 And now I share my culture with you. 257 00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:24,300 This is an intermediate class, 258 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:27,900 so if there's anyone who hasn't danced salsa before, now's the time 259 00:15:27,940 --> 00:15:31,540 to raise your hand so that I can be the partner through the basics. 260 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:38,660 Laura and Jonathan - me star pupils - will show you today's new routine. 261 00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,580 It's a basic hammer-lock combination. 262 00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:45,900 Five, six, seven and... 263 00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:47,740 one, two, three, five, six, seven... 264 00:15:48,060 --> 00:15:50,140 three, two, three, five, six, seven. 265 00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:52,540 Eight, two, three... 266 00:16:06,940 --> 00:16:10,820 Oh, this looks nice. Drop us here. We can't walk in these heels. 267 00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:13,300 Yup. Right. See you in a minute. 268 00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:19,700 Come on. Let's find somewhere to park. 269 00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:28,860 'Ey, look at this! 270 00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:31,380 - Classy or what? - Where's the bar? 271 00:16:31,420 --> 00:16:35,460 Dunno. When we find it we're ordering something expensive and unpronounceable. 272 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:38,420 - Hodge is paying for tonight. - It's over here. 273 00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:42,540 Right. Now it's your turn. Partners, first of all. 274 00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:50,420 Sorry, Julie, thought - thought we could dance. 275 00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:55,420 Oh, we will. Jonathan's going to help me out me out with this tricky move. So... - OK. Good. Good. 276 00:16:55,460 --> 00:16:57,460 Good luck. 277 00:16:59,660 --> 00:17:02,020 'Ey, that cheeky cow said she didn't like my shirt! 278 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,900 - Excuse me... - Gerado. 279 00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:07,700 Sorry. We haven't got any women. 280 00:17:07,740 --> 00:17:10,780 It don't matter who your partner is, as long as you feel the music. 281 00:17:17,060 --> 00:17:19,580 Come on, son, you're in safe hands. 282 00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:22,020 One, two, three... 283 00:17:22,060 --> 00:17:26,220 - Down on one knee, not - - Watch your knees, you dumb... 284 00:17:26,260 --> 00:17:28,460 I've gotta turn. I've gotta turn now... 285 00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:31,340 Don't follow them! Follow me! 286 00:17:31,380 --> 00:17:33,060 Around, two, three... 287 00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:36,460 Lend yourself. Give yourself to me. 288 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:38,220 I don't wanna give myself to you. 289 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:39,940 So, let me get this straight. 290 00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:43,340 You told your six-year-old nephew that Fireman Sam was gay. 291 00:17:43,380 --> 00:17:45,940 I just said I had my suspicions. - Why? 292 00:17:45,980 --> 00:17:48,580 Most fireman are beating women off with a shitty stick, aren't they? 293 00:17:48,620 --> 00:17:50,980 I've never seen Sam so much as look at a woman. 294 00:17:51,020 --> 00:17:53,340 Every thought of being a child psychologist? 295 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,660 You've killed him. Oh, my God! You've killed him! 296 00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:06,580 - It wasn't my fault! - No, he's not dead. He's moving. 297 00:18:06,620 --> 00:18:09,340 It's your fault, banging on about Fireman friggin' Sam! 298 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:12,460 Shut up about Fireman Sam! Let's just... Just get him up! 299 00:18:13,220 --> 00:18:15,140 Come on! Come on, then. 300 00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:17,660 Come on. Get him on the pavement. - Come on. 301 00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:19,860 - Watch your legs. - There we are. 302 00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:25,020 - You all right? - He can't talk. He hit his head, he's brain damaged. 303 00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:26,740 No, no, no. He's drunk. 304 00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:28,460 Are you OK, pal? 305 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,260 I gotta - Yeah, get back! 306 00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:32,740 - What did he say? - Er... get back. Gotta get back. 307 00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:34,620 Get back... Why's he saying get back? 308 00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:37,340 - Maybe he's a Beatle fan? - He wants to get back somewhere. 309 00:18:37,380 --> 00:18:39,620 It's like having Hercule Poirot as a mate! 310 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,500 Look... I've gotta get back. 311 00:18:41,540 --> 00:18:43,660 - Get back. - Where are you from, pal? 312 00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:45,940 London! Ooh-ooh... 313 00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:49,620 There we go. He needs to get back to London. On fire tonight, aren't you? 314 00:18:49,660 --> 00:18:52,660 It's OK. It's OK. Crash is over. Let's go. Not our problem. 315 00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,940 Wh - wh - hang on! The train station's just there. 316 00:18:55,860 --> 00:18:58,060 Come on. It'll take us five minutes. 317 00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:01,260 Please, please, please. I've got to get back. 318 00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:06,740 All right. Come on. 319 00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:10,380 Here, under his shoulder... There we go! 320 00:19:12,180 --> 00:19:16,780 Phone, when is the next train from Manchester to London? 321 00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:19,900 'Checking trains from Manchester, New England... ' 322 00:19:19,940 --> 00:19:21,660 No, Manchester UK, you twat! 323 00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:25,060 'Twat. OK. Twat. Checking... ' 324 00:19:26,980 --> 00:19:29,220 Here y'are, mate. 325 00:19:31,260 --> 00:19:34,020 - Right. Done. - Whoa... What you doing? 326 00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:36,940 - Checking if he's got a ticket. - Check his trouser pockets. 327 00:19:36,980 --> 00:19:40,220 - You check his trouser pockets. - You had to play the Good Samaritan. 328 00:19:44,860 --> 00:19:47,060 Ooh, ey, ey! Ooh! 329 00:19:47,940 --> 00:19:49,620 Any excuse, eh?! 330 00:19:49,660 --> 00:19:51,380 - Whoo! Something moved! - What? 331 00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:54,820 - What do you think? - Get off! - Right, come on. Let's get him on the train. 332 00:19:54,860 --> 00:20:00,020 No, let's not. If I don't get back soon, that thing that you just touched on him will be cut off me! 333 00:20:00,060 --> 00:20:02,780 How many times have we been him? How would you have felt 334 00:20:02,820 --> 00:20:05,300 if we'd not fished you out of Cardiff Bay that time? 335 00:20:06,340 --> 00:20:08,380 Or left you with that tranny in Leeds. 336 00:20:09,980 --> 00:20:11,980 What happens in Leeds, stays in Leeds. 337 00:20:14,060 --> 00:20:15,860 All right. 338 00:20:15,900 --> 00:20:18,220 - Here we go. - All right. 339 00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:21,100 - Hang on, mate. - Sorry, mate. - Watch it. Sorry, love. 340 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:22,900 Come on, pal... 341 00:20:24,940 --> 00:20:26,700 Nice one. 342 00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:29,140 Whoa, whoa... 343 00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:33,140 Just take your time. It doesn't go out for ages. 344 00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:35,140 - This one here. - Thank you. - There we go. 345 00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:38,340 Whoa, whoa, whoa... - All right, mate. Can you hear me? 346 00:20:38,380 --> 00:20:41,820 I've written my name on the back of the receipt, yeah? 347 00:20:41,860 --> 00:20:43,700 You just send me a cheque for the ticket. 348 00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:45,420 Come on. 349 00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:47,260 - Look after him, won't you? - Come on! 350 00:20:48,220 --> 00:20:50,020 Job's a good 'un! 351 00:21:03,780 --> 00:21:06,420 No, you divvy, it's elbows in and turn there. 352 00:21:08,020 --> 00:21:11,100 Gracias! OK, everyone change. 353 00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:15,300 - Oops... - Hey... 354 00:21:26,540 --> 00:21:28,980 Oh, bloody hell, son! Hang on a minute, will you! 355 00:21:30,340 --> 00:21:32,100 Hope you've warmed your hands up. OK? 356 00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:34,860 - Bear with me. I'm still learning. - Yeah, that's fine. OK. 357 00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:38,740 That's it. And... One, two, three... 358 00:21:41,380 --> 00:21:43,420 - Sorry. You all right? - Yes. I'm fine. 359 00:21:43,460 --> 00:21:45,540 - Fine. - Sorry. 360 00:21:46,260 --> 00:21:48,420 One, two, three, one, two, three... 361 00:21:48,460 --> 00:21:50,340 One, two... Hey! 362 00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:57,220 All right. You just follow me and try and keep... OK? 363 00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:01,300 Whoo! 364 00:22:01,900 --> 00:22:05,220 I must say, Jonathan, you're very masterful. 365 00:22:10,020 --> 00:22:12,340 - Feels good, don't it? - Er... What does? 366 00:22:12,380 --> 00:22:14,940 A little act of human kindness. 367 00:22:14,980 --> 00:22:17,820 - They're here. - Let's get the drinks in. 368 00:22:17,860 --> 00:22:20,420 Two more char... Char... of these 369 00:22:20,460 --> 00:22:22,300 and three pints of bitter, please. 370 00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:28,180 Hello. I've got a table booked for tonight. Name of Hodgkinson. 371 00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:31,580 - Ah, yes, sir. - And with the promotional voucher. 372 00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:43,140 - Sorted? - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa... 373 00:22:43,180 --> 00:22:44,220 Look. 374 00:22:49,260 --> 00:22:51,260 Didn't we just put that fella on a train? 375 00:22:56,180 --> 00:22:58,500 Oh, my God. Right! 376 00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:03,060 - I reckon we've got about 10 minutes. - Hang on! I'm not going back for him. 377 00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:05,660 He's the groom. It's his wedding day. 378 00:23:06,180 --> 00:23:08,220 You go over there, tell her what we've done. 379 00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:22,900 Sorry! - Sorry! 380 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:31,460 There he is! Come on! 381 00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:33,860 All right, mate. Quick. Come on. Quick! 382 00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:35,980 - Pick him up! - It's OK, love. We've just gotta 383 00:23:36,020 --> 00:23:38,820 get him back to his wedding. Thanks for looking after him. 384 00:23:38,860 --> 00:23:41,220 This way. This way. No, no, no! 385 00:23:41,260 --> 00:23:43,020 - That way. That way. - Come on! 386 00:23:43,060 --> 00:23:45,580 Doors are closing! Come on! The train's going! 387 00:23:45,620 --> 00:23:47,340 It's going, come on! 388 00:23:47,380 --> 00:23:49,820 Out of the way, last night of the proms! 389 00:23:59,060 --> 00:24:01,380 At least it's an anniversary you'll remember! 390 00:24:08,450 --> 00:24:11,810 - Where's it going? Where's this train going? - London, at a wild guess? 391 00:24:11,850 --> 00:24:13,530 Yes, but where's it stopping? 392 00:24:14,530 --> 00:24:18,330 - Mate, where's this train stop first? - Stockport. - Oh, yes! 393 00:24:18,370 --> 00:24:22,170 Right, we get off. We get into a cab. We'll be back at the hotel within half an hour. 394 00:24:22,730 --> 00:24:25,530 - So, tickets? - No. No, this is an accident. 395 00:24:25,570 --> 00:24:28,530 - We're not supposed to be on this train. - Oh, I know, neither am I. 396 00:24:28,570 --> 00:24:31,210 I'm supposed to be on the West End stage, but here we are. 397 00:24:31,250 --> 00:24:34,210 So, three tickets to Stockport, that'll be £9.00 please. 398 00:24:36,010 --> 00:24:37,170 ♪ LATIN RUMBA 399 00:24:37,210 --> 00:24:39,410 I've been watching. You're not intermediate. 400 00:24:39,450 --> 00:24:42,330 You're all over the place. You nearly crippled Mrs Barkett. 401 00:24:42,370 --> 00:24:47,090 It was her fault. She was hoop turning when she should have been hammer locking. You're a menace, you! 402 00:24:49,570 --> 00:24:52,730 - Get out. You're banned! - Oh! Ho ho! Well, what a bloody shame! 403 00:24:52,770 --> 00:24:55,090 We only came here for the women, didn't we, Glyn? 404 00:24:56,290 --> 00:24:59,770 - You're banned as well. - That's not fair. Glyn hasn't done anything wrong. 405 00:24:59,810 --> 00:25:01,530 Yeah, come on. I'm doing well here. 406 00:25:02,610 --> 00:25:05,130 Dancing. Not... Just, just dancing. 407 00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:09,170 All right, Strictly ballbag! I'm going, aren't I?! Come on, Glyn. 408 00:25:16,450 --> 00:25:18,450 That bride don't look too happy, does she? 409 00:25:18,490 --> 00:25:20,690 Weddings - they're a killer on the nerves. 410 00:25:20,730 --> 00:25:23,130 Hodge was like a quivering jelly at ours. 411 00:25:23,170 --> 00:25:25,730 Everyone thought he'd pissed himself. You're joking? 412 00:25:25,770 --> 00:25:28,610 Well, he hadn't really. Went to splash water on his face. 413 00:25:28,650 --> 00:25:32,010 But you know them powerful taps. Whoosh, all over his groin. 414 00:25:32,050 --> 00:25:37,010 No sod believed him. That's why in our wedding photos he's holding a bouquet over his trousers. 415 00:25:39,050 --> 00:25:41,770 - What about Daz? - He once got drunk and pissed in the fridge. 416 00:25:42,210 --> 00:25:44,250 Ooh... No, I meant marriage. 417 00:25:45,890 --> 00:25:49,490 Marriage? Maybe, but only when I've house-trained him. Good girl. 418 00:25:49,530 --> 00:25:52,250 And if you ever do get spliced, I wanna be bridesmaid. 419 00:25:52,290 --> 00:25:56,090 Hold on. Did someone say bridesmaid? Summer is here! 420 00:25:56,130 --> 00:25:58,330 Hello, you. 421 00:25:58,370 --> 00:26:00,730 Ooh! Hiya, Summer! 422 00:26:00,770 --> 00:26:02,450 Oh, you do remember me, then! 423 00:26:02,490 --> 00:26:05,650 Hello, my name's Kath and I hardly call my friends, now I'm married! 424 00:26:05,690 --> 00:26:09,010 - You heard her say that, didn't you? - This is Colleen, Daz's girlfriend. 425 00:26:09,050 --> 00:26:10,850 You go out with Daz Taylor. 426 00:26:10,890 --> 00:26:13,570 Christ, what sort of sin did you commit in a former life?! 427 00:26:13,610 --> 00:26:15,770 She's joking! 428 00:26:16,090 --> 00:26:17,850 Summer's one of my oldest friends. 429 00:26:17,890 --> 00:26:19,650 Oldest and more, thank you very much! 430 00:26:19,690 --> 00:26:24,410 There are things about this woman that only me and a shared bottle of Southern Comfort will ever know. 431 00:26:24,930 --> 00:26:28,130 Oh, it's all right! Turned out to be negative in the end, didn't it? 432 00:26:28,170 --> 00:26:31,050 Right. Drinks! Come on. I wanna get us pissed, 433 00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:34,690 celebrate this bloody anniversary and have a right good larda palava! 434 00:26:35,970 --> 00:26:38,170 Waiter, we're waiting! 435 00:26:42,650 --> 00:26:44,650 F - For better... 436 00:26:44,810 --> 00:26:46,970 Ow! Ow - for worse. I dunno... 437 00:26:47,010 --> 00:26:50,170 'If you are leaving us here, please remember to take all 438 00:26:50,210 --> 00:26:53,850 of your personal belongings with you. The next station stop is Stockport. ' 439 00:26:53,890 --> 00:26:57,890 All our belongings, yeah. Very funny! Come on. Let's go. Come on. 440 00:26:57,930 --> 00:27:00,770 'Give my regards to sunny Stockport. ' 441 00:27:01,410 --> 00:27:04,530 - Come on, come on, come on. - Slow down. Watch the step, mate. 442 00:27:04,570 --> 00:27:07,490 There's a step there. The flowers are lovely, aren't they! 443 00:27:07,530 --> 00:27:09,730 There's a train back to Manchester in - now. 444 00:27:09,770 --> 00:27:12,370 Platform 1. Over there. Move it, lads! 445 00:27:14,130 --> 00:27:15,810 Come on. Come on. Come on! 446 00:27:15,850 --> 00:27:17,570 Oh, excuse me. Thank you. 447 00:27:18,090 --> 00:27:20,730 - Look out! - Come on, come on, come on! 448 00:27:24,610 --> 00:27:26,490 Sorry, mate! 449 00:27:26,530 --> 00:27:30,890 Come on, come on, come on, come on! Shit! Missed it! 450 00:27:30,930 --> 00:27:36,650 Platform alteration. The Manchester train will now leave from Platform 3A. 451 00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:39,370 Bloody hell! Come on! 452 00:27:39,410 --> 00:27:41,890 Come on! Now! 453 00:27:41,930 --> 00:27:44,330 Come on. Come on. Come on! 454 00:27:44,370 --> 00:27:46,050 Whoa, whoa, whoa... 455 00:27:46,090 --> 00:27:47,970 Come on. This is it. No, it's not. 456 00:27:48,010 --> 00:27:50,170 It's one more along. It's one more along! 457 00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,810 - Are you sure? - Course I'm sure. Come on! 458 00:27:52,850 --> 00:27:55,290 Is this allowed? - Come on! 459 00:28:20,570 --> 00:28:22,770 Oh, did we not fancy Stockport, in the end? 460 00:28:22,810 --> 00:28:26,210 - Well, it's hardly St Tropez, is it? - Oh, you are joking me. 461 00:28:26,250 --> 00:28:30,010 - Just sit back and enjoy the ride. - Where does this train stop next? 462 00:28:30,050 --> 00:28:31,170 Stoke. 463 00:28:32,010 --> 00:28:33,770 Oh, Stoke, Stoke's all right. 464 00:28:33,810 --> 00:28:36,130 Ordinarily. Unfortunately, this weekend, 465 00:28:36,170 --> 00:28:38,050 due to planned engineering works, 466 00:28:38,090 --> 00:28:40,650 we'll be shooting straight on through to London. 467 00:28:41,690 --> 00:28:43,650 So... tickets. 468 00:28:51,570 --> 00:28:54,050 - Now, Julie, can I just say - - I bloody love coming here. 469 00:28:54,090 --> 00:28:58,650 - You speak first. - Gerado thinks I invited you and he's threatening to ban me too. - That's not on. 470 00:28:58,690 --> 00:29:02,010 No, Glyn, what is not on is you stalking me here! 471 00:29:02,050 --> 00:29:05,610 Ah, no. I wasn't stalking you. I was just following you without you knowing. 472 00:29:07,690 --> 00:29:11,530 Which is stalking, isn't it? Will you give me one minute? One minute. 473 00:29:14,290 --> 00:29:17,810 Gerado, sorry. Could I have a word, please? Si. 474 00:29:17,850 --> 00:29:20,370 - See what? No, I meant si. - It's Spanish for yes. 475 00:29:21,010 --> 00:29:24,410 Right. Look. Please don't ban Julie. It was all my fault. 476 00:29:24,450 --> 00:29:26,450 You see, I've liked her ever since school. 477 00:29:26,490 --> 00:29:30,450 When I found out she was coming here tonight, I just got a bit jealous. 478 00:29:30,490 --> 00:29:34,650 I acted daft. But everybody does daft things, don't they, when they're mad on someone? 479 00:29:36,610 --> 00:29:39,650 Where you from, you? Just round here, Stockport. 480 00:29:39,690 --> 00:29:43,970 - Why? - The way you just spoke about - your love for Julie, 481 00:29:44,010 --> 00:29:47,370 - you too have some Latino blood, no? - I don't think so. 482 00:29:47,410 --> 00:29:49,130 You're like me, you know? 483 00:29:49,170 --> 00:29:51,210 Your family moved here from somewhere else. 484 00:29:51,250 --> 00:29:53,970 - My mum's from Doffcocker. - Ah... Doffcocker. 485 00:29:55,130 --> 00:29:56,850 You have moved my heart. 486 00:29:56,890 --> 00:29:59,850 You have passion coursing through your veins. 487 00:29:59,890 --> 00:30:01,650 I withdraw the ban. 488 00:30:05,850 --> 00:30:08,130 Come back to t'world of salsa. 489 00:30:14,570 --> 00:30:17,850 - You are back in the world of salsa. - Thank you, Glyn. 490 00:30:17,890 --> 00:30:21,650 - I reckon we can still make Hodges'meal. - You said it'd been cancelled. 491 00:30:22,450 --> 00:30:24,450 Ahh... I sometimes lie. 492 00:30:25,370 --> 00:30:27,090 It's the Doffcocker in me. 493 00:30:27,130 --> 00:30:29,570 - This is all your fault. - Just... Just calm down. 494 00:30:29,610 --> 00:30:32,730 Calm down?! I'm missing my fifth wedding anniversary. 495 00:30:32,770 --> 00:30:35,210 Had it all planned - good food, good wine. 496 00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:39,690 Me and Kath were going to go home, drink champagne and have one of our special showers together. 497 00:30:43,570 --> 00:30:46,250 That's right - sex! Get over it! 498 00:30:50,290 --> 00:30:53,370 My head feels like... pain. 499 00:30:53,410 --> 00:30:56,290 It's all right, mate. You just had a few too many, that's all. 500 00:30:56,330 --> 00:30:59,410 Yeah, you're all right because we're looking after you. - Yeah. 501 00:30:59,450 --> 00:31:01,250 And you're on a train to London. 502 00:31:02,890 --> 00:31:04,330 What... 503 00:31:08,770 --> 00:31:10,930 So you could stop at Macclesfield? 504 00:31:10,970 --> 00:31:14,610 Unauthorised stops are only permitted in the event of fire, 505 00:31:14,650 --> 00:31:18,730 medical emergency or an outbreak of violence. 506 00:31:18,770 --> 00:31:22,450 So, is Dopey out there likely to commit an act of violence, 507 00:31:22,490 --> 00:31:24,850 suffer a heart attack or set himself on fire? 508 00:31:24,890 --> 00:31:26,970 Er... No, I don't think so. 509 00:31:27,010 --> 00:31:29,810 Well, sadly, we shall be whistling through Macclesfield 510 00:31:29,850 --> 00:31:31,610 at approximately 100 miles per hour, 511 00:31:31,650 --> 00:31:34,050 which some might say is the very best way to see it. 512 00:31:34,090 --> 00:31:35,930 B- But - But it is his wedding night. 513 00:31:39,370 --> 00:31:42,090 Whoo! Yeah! If I'd not called Jan on the off chance, 514 00:31:42,130 --> 00:31:45,370 I wouldn't have known about tonight. I wouldn't be here now! 515 00:31:45,410 --> 00:31:48,050 - Bummer! - What's Hodge like with his invites? 516 00:31:48,090 --> 00:31:50,810 Well, daft question. I know exactly what he's like. 517 00:31:51,330 --> 00:31:53,330 Go on, I am sat here, you know? 518 00:31:53,370 --> 00:31:55,370 No, Hodge is lovely. He really is. 519 00:31:55,410 --> 00:31:58,970 You know he pissed himself at their wedding. - It was water. 520 00:31:59,010 --> 00:32:01,290 Hm? Think it was urine. - Well, water - urine, 521 00:32:01,330 --> 00:32:03,570 you didn't have to tell everyone, did you? 522 00:32:03,610 --> 00:32:07,970 Come on! I was doing him a favour. If there's an elephant in the room, it's best to point it out! 523 00:32:08,010 --> 00:32:11,730 Too right. That is the way that I'm starting to feel right now. 524 00:32:11,770 --> 00:32:14,810 Thank you. I thought I was the only one that noticed. You, missy, 525 00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:18,490 it's your anniversary and you're sat there like a nun with a slapped arse! 526 00:32:18,530 --> 00:32:20,770 Where's the Kath we all know and love, eh? 527 00:32:20,810 --> 00:32:24,210 Well, that Kath doesn't go out so much any more, Summer. 528 00:32:24,250 --> 00:32:27,130 Yes, and d'you know why? Hodge. 529 00:32:27,570 --> 00:32:29,410 No. Don't look at me like that. 530 00:32:29,450 --> 00:32:32,450 All men try and turn you into their mothers, if you let them. 531 00:32:32,610 --> 00:32:35,690 At the end of the day, they're all scumbags. Fact. 532 00:32:37,850 --> 00:32:39,730 - All right. - Hi. 533 00:32:39,770 --> 00:32:42,450 - What's the matter? - Apparently, you're a scumbag, Glyn. 534 00:32:43,330 --> 00:32:46,850 Oh, Kath, yeah. Well, I wrote you a card. I just forgot it. 535 00:32:47,970 --> 00:32:51,490 - Oh, Christ... - Glyn, don't be a stranger! 536 00:32:51,530 --> 00:32:55,650 Come here! Here we go. Ah, murderer! Murderer! Jack the Ripper! Get off! 537 00:32:55,690 --> 00:32:57,410 Sorry. 538 00:32:57,450 --> 00:33:02,690 Er... Julie, this is Colleen,Kath - Hello. - Hello. - Summer. 539 00:33:02,730 --> 00:33:04,690 - Nice to meet you. - Thanks. 540 00:33:04,730 --> 00:33:07,130 - Where's the lads? - Dead. 541 00:33:07,170 --> 00:33:09,730 Yeah. Came off the ring road... into a lamppost. 542 00:33:09,770 --> 00:33:11,490 Just like that, apparently. 543 00:33:12,690 --> 00:33:15,970 Ignore her, Glyn. They're just late. God knows where they are! 544 00:33:16,010 --> 00:33:19,210 - Yeah, they'll be here in a minute. - Are you his girlfriend, then? 545 00:33:19,250 --> 00:33:22,170 - Erm... Well... - - Oh, as he not asked you yet? 546 00:33:22,610 --> 00:33:25,890 Don't you worry, flower. This one has always been a little bit shy. 547 00:33:26,130 --> 00:33:28,770 Actually, for a long while we thought he was Team Gay! 548 00:33:28,810 --> 00:33:30,490 Didn't we? Remember? 549 00:33:30,530 --> 00:33:33,370 Phone conversations we had - Is he? Isn't he? Is he? Isn't he? 550 00:33:33,690 --> 00:33:35,530 Oh, my God! You're not, are you, Glyn? 551 00:33:36,450 --> 00:33:38,250 You - Are you a - No! 552 00:33:38,290 --> 00:33:41,050 Well, you never can tell these days. Give me your hands. 553 00:33:41,090 --> 00:33:42,810 Let's have a look. 554 00:33:42,850 --> 00:33:44,010 Hm-hm... 555 00:33:45,290 --> 00:33:48,330 Yeah. Definitely a girl. Don't you worry. 556 00:33:48,370 --> 00:33:50,290 Phew! 557 00:33:52,250 --> 00:33:55,170 You know, it was - It was the day. You know, the whole wedding... 558 00:33:55,210 --> 00:33:58,410 All these questions. 'Am I doing the right thing?' 'Do I love her?' 559 00:33:58,450 --> 00:34:01,050 Yeah, I guess so. But, you know, enough to marry her? 560 00:34:01,090 --> 00:34:03,250 Enough to leave London? Is this what I want? 561 00:34:03,290 --> 00:34:05,690 Questions and pressure! Pressure and questions. 562 00:34:05,730 --> 00:34:07,530 And then more questions and pressure. 563 00:34:07,570 --> 00:34:09,850 - So, you felt under pressure. - Yeah, pressure. 564 00:34:09,890 --> 00:34:13,570 Yeah. And then I think: Of course I should marry. But I can't decide! 565 00:34:14,650 --> 00:34:16,770 This is me all over. I'm like it all the time. 566 00:34:16,810 --> 00:34:19,810 - I'm exactly the same at work. - What... What do you do? 567 00:34:19,850 --> 00:34:21,610 I'm an air-traffic controller. 568 00:34:24,970 --> 00:34:29,490 Look, take it from someone who's been around the block a little bit. 569 00:34:29,530 --> 00:34:32,210 Five years married, still going strong. 570 00:34:33,130 --> 00:34:35,770 Marriage isn't something to be frightened of - 571 00:34:38,650 --> 00:34:40,370 It's Kath. 572 00:34:45,330 --> 00:34:47,450 Hello, love. How are you? 573 00:34:47,490 --> 00:34:49,250 Where are you? You sound guilty. 574 00:34:49,650 --> 00:34:52,930 Well, you'll never guess. You'll laugh when I tell you. 575 00:34:52,970 --> 00:34:55,450 We're on a train and we're heading to London. 576 00:34:56,570 --> 00:34:59,370 Stop winding me up! You better be winding me up. 577 00:34:59,410 --> 00:35:04,130 I wish I was. I need you to do me a favour. Look around. Can you see an upset bride anywhere? 578 00:35:04,170 --> 00:35:07,650 Hang on a sec, I'll just get a mirror! No, a young bride! 579 00:35:07,690 --> 00:35:09,290 I- I-I mean a new bride. 580 00:35:09,330 --> 00:35:11,330 In a white dress. She's probably crying. 581 00:35:13,250 --> 00:35:15,130 How did you know that, Derren Brown? 582 00:35:15,170 --> 00:35:18,850 Are you here, really? Can you see me? What am I doing now? 583 00:35:19,570 --> 00:35:21,650 Listen! 584 00:35:21,970 --> 00:35:25,290 Go and speak to her. Tell her not to panic, her husband's with us. 585 00:35:25,330 --> 00:35:27,490 But we're on a train heading for London. 586 00:35:27,530 --> 00:35:30,850 London, London? Hodge, you better tell me what's happening. 587 00:35:30,890 --> 00:35:34,090 Glug - Whoo-hoo! - Ooh, I could get used to this! 588 00:35:34,130 --> 00:35:35,970 Apart from her, of course. 589 00:35:36,010 --> 00:35:39,050 Let's just forget about her, concentrate on having a great night. 590 00:35:39,090 --> 00:35:40,930 Oh, sorry. 591 00:35:43,530 --> 00:35:45,330 We're starting to worry about you. 592 00:35:45,370 --> 00:35:48,370 Mate, can you get yourself to Macclesfield? - What? 593 00:35:48,410 --> 00:35:50,650 It's a long story. Just meet us at the station. 594 00:35:50,690 --> 00:35:52,370 I can't. I'm with Julie! 595 00:35:52,410 --> 00:35:57,890 Well, that'll show her what a great mate you are, then, won't it? - 'Please. Now!' - Just hurry up. 596 00:36:01,890 --> 00:36:03,610 That was my mates. 597 00:36:03,650 --> 00:36:08,330 They want me to go and pick 'em up and bring them back here. Will you be all right with Colleen and Kath? 598 00:36:08,370 --> 00:36:10,690 Yeah. As long as they don't leave me with Summer. 599 00:36:10,730 --> 00:36:14,770 - I mean, you won't be long, will you? - No. Just gotta go to Macclesfield. 600 00:36:14,810 --> 00:36:18,050 - Macclesfield? - Come on, you two love-birds. 601 00:36:18,090 --> 00:36:21,090 What are you two doing sat here talking? 602 00:36:21,130 --> 00:36:22,970 You're in a hotel! Get a room! 603 00:36:23,010 --> 00:36:24,850 A room for the mushroom! 604 00:36:24,890 --> 00:36:26,250 Hey! 605 00:36:26,290 --> 00:36:28,770 - I'm really sorry. - Oh, Glyn. Glyn, come back! 606 00:36:28,810 --> 00:36:31,570 Oh, come on. Sod him! We can still have a good time, can't we? 607 00:36:31,610 --> 00:36:34,250 Listen, there's a wedding next door, with a dance floor. 608 00:36:34,290 --> 00:36:37,730 Come on. Come on, up you get. Up you get and throw some shapes. 609 00:36:37,770 --> 00:36:42,730 - Yeah, I think that's enough now, Summer. - She can't stop! Whoo-whoo! 610 00:36:43,370 --> 00:36:45,770 This phone's rubbish. I can't get any signal. 611 00:36:45,810 --> 00:36:49,530 - Oh... She's a smiler. - Oh, yeah. 612 00:36:50,090 --> 00:36:53,010 It's my daughter Kelly. Lives in Australia now. 613 00:36:53,810 --> 00:36:55,730 - You're divorced. - Yep! 614 00:36:56,330 --> 00:36:59,090 And some Aussie, a proper Dick Dundee thinks he's her dad. 615 00:36:59,130 --> 00:37:02,490 And that's why I've never bothered. It's very risky. 616 00:37:03,210 --> 00:37:06,650 Whoa! But not all marriages are doomed. Well, take me. 617 00:37:06,690 --> 00:37:10,130 I'm celebrating my fifth wedding anniversary tonight in Manchester. 618 00:37:10,170 --> 00:37:12,850 Ain't I, Darren! Beggsy? Hm? 619 00:37:12,890 --> 00:37:16,090 Oh, yeah! Yeah. It's a good thing, marriage - for some. 620 00:37:17,570 --> 00:37:19,570 For most. I'll prove it to you. 621 00:37:21,410 --> 00:37:24,930 - People of Carriage C - - Shut up. This is a quiet zone. 622 00:37:24,970 --> 00:37:26,970 Just a minute! Mouth. 623 00:37:27,010 --> 00:37:29,090 How many of you are married? 624 00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:33,850 Exactly! 625 00:37:33,890 --> 00:37:37,730 And how many of you look back on getting married as the best decision of your life? 626 00:37:42,690 --> 00:37:45,810 OK. It's not a great sample. 627 00:37:46,850 --> 00:37:48,730 Right, you lot. I shouldn't be doing this 628 00:37:48,770 --> 00:37:50,810 but I've been talking to your little friend 629 00:37:50,850 --> 00:37:53,770 and he's been filling me in on the legend of the runaway groom. 630 00:37:53,810 --> 00:37:56,370 So, I've waved my magic wand 631 00:37:56,410 --> 00:37:59,090 and this train will be stopping in Macclesfield. 632 00:37:59,930 --> 00:38:01,810 Oh, you shall go to the ball! 633 00:38:01,850 --> 00:38:07,370 - Yes. - Yes! - Yes. Yes, you're right. Marriage isn't for everyone. 634 00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:09,810 I wanna go straight to London. No stopping. 635 00:38:13,410 --> 00:38:15,130 - COME HERE! - Whoa! 636 00:38:23,110 --> 00:38:27,190 Come on, change. Change, you bastard. 637 00:38:28,790 --> 00:38:31,390 No-one likes you, red light. You know that, don't you? 638 00:38:31,670 --> 00:38:32,830 Yes. 639 00:38:34,190 --> 00:38:36,710 Hodge, I'm just coming up on Macclesfield now, mate. 640 00:38:36,750 --> 00:38:39,790 - Well, you can turn round. We're not stopping there now. - Why not? 641 00:38:39,830 --> 00:38:42,790 Cos Beggsy has turned into a marriage guidance counsellor. 642 00:38:42,830 --> 00:38:44,790 Go on, just get back to Julie. Oh... f... 643 00:38:47,150 --> 00:38:51,030 Look, I'm so sorry, boys. I'm just scared about settling down. 644 00:38:51,070 --> 00:38:52,790 Well, you're supposed to be! 645 00:38:53,790 --> 00:38:56,470 Oh, I've sat here trying to do my Puzzler 646 00:38:56,510 --> 00:38:59,270 and all I've had is 'marry this' and 'relationships that' 647 00:38:59,310 --> 00:39:01,230 and 'I don't know what to expect. ' 648 00:39:01,270 --> 00:39:02,990 That's the whole bloody point! 649 00:39:03,030 --> 00:39:05,270 Erm, excuse me. Quiet zone. 650 00:39:05,310 --> 00:39:09,470 It's the uncertainty, the worry that keeps it exciting. 651 00:39:09,510 --> 00:39:12,110 Me and my husband were married for 47 years 652 00:39:12,150 --> 00:39:14,630 and we must have rowed every single day. 653 00:39:14,670 --> 00:39:17,910 Winding each other up - but we loved every minute of it. 654 00:39:19,310 --> 00:39:21,510 He died two years ago next March. 655 00:39:21,550 --> 00:39:24,750 - And I miss him now every day. - How did he pass away? 656 00:39:24,790 --> 00:39:26,670 I stabbed him with a bread knife! 657 00:39:28,790 --> 00:39:29,950 Cancer. 658 00:39:30,990 --> 00:39:35,950 The point I'm trying to make is, love, it's normal to be scared. Yeah? 659 00:39:35,990 --> 00:39:38,790 So, stop moaning. Get back to your wife 660 00:39:38,830 --> 00:39:41,990 and let me get on with my Puzzler! 661 00:39:44,750 --> 00:39:48,590 Wow. You know,for all our spats, I really love Colleen. 662 00:39:48,630 --> 00:39:49,990 Yeah. 663 00:39:50,190 --> 00:39:52,190 I'd even go to Old Trafford for her. 664 00:39:54,590 --> 00:39:58,470 I think I wanna get back to Manchester, back to my wife. 665 00:39:58,510 --> 00:40:00,950 Oh... Great. How? 666 00:40:00,990 --> 00:40:06,270 The guard said the train only stops for fires, outbreaks of violence or medical emergencies. 667 00:40:06,310 --> 00:40:08,670 I could always thump him. Ticks two boxes. 668 00:40:13,910 --> 00:40:16,470 She knows some swear words, that one. 669 00:40:18,070 --> 00:40:21,110 - Bet she's married herself a booby prize an' all! - Excuse me? 670 00:40:21,510 --> 00:40:23,710 It's a nickname I had for Hodge at your wedding. 671 00:40:23,750 --> 00:40:26,710 I said to him. I said, 'He's lucky marrying you. 672 00:40:26,750 --> 00:40:28,430 but you're unlucky marrying him. ' 673 00:40:28,470 --> 00:40:32,430 - You know, the booby prize. - I need a drink. 674 00:40:33,470 --> 00:40:36,030 Ohh... Come on! 675 00:40:37,670 --> 00:40:40,830 Oh, when the Bees go marching in! 676 00:40:40,870 --> 00:40:44,670 ♪ Oh, when the Bees go marching in! 677 00:40:44,710 --> 00:40:47,830 - Come on. You can do this. ♪ I wanna be in that number 678 00:40:47,870 --> 00:40:50,670 ♪ Oh, when the Bees go marching in 679 00:40:50,710 --> 00:40:56,150 I thought it was a bit weird that they've run out of lemonade on this train but this explains it. 680 00:40:56,710 --> 00:40:58,710 Shandy Andy... 681 00:41:01,910 --> 00:41:03,630 Hello, ladies... 682 00:41:04,070 --> 00:41:05,790 Ooh, argh... - Get him! 683 00:41:07,430 --> 00:41:09,910 No, we've asked that it's just - it doesn't stop 684 00:41:09,950 --> 00:41:14,390 unless it's a fire, a medical emergency or an outbreak of - 685 00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:16,910 Oh, shit! See you later! - Run! 686 00:41:17,630 --> 00:41:18,990 RUN! 687 00:41:30,510 --> 00:41:32,590 You're right. I'm gonna say something. 688 00:41:34,150 --> 00:41:38,470 But what if she kicks up a fuss, tries to turn all our friends against me. She's capable. 689 00:41:38,510 --> 00:41:42,870 What has she got to do for you to kick her out? Start a fire? Shave your eyebrows off for a laugh? 690 00:41:42,910 --> 00:41:46,150 She's already done that. 18 to 30, Ayia Napa. 691 00:41:46,190 --> 00:41:48,510 Look, I'm not saying you're lying to me. 692 00:41:48,550 --> 00:41:50,510 I'm just saying you're lying to yourself. 693 00:41:50,550 --> 00:41:53,830 You go to salsa to meet men. - No, I don't. - Yes, you do! 694 00:41:53,870 --> 00:41:57,550 - No, I don't. - Yes, you do. Look, I'm on Single Street myself, love. 695 00:41:57,590 --> 00:42:00,110 I know how to get on to A Good Time Avenue. 696 00:42:00,150 --> 00:42:03,590 And I am gonna show you how to get there. Drink up. 697 00:42:05,310 --> 00:42:07,030 Oh, it's like that, is it? 698 00:42:07,070 --> 00:42:11,150 Well, let me tell you something. If you've got your sights set on Glyn, 699 00:42:11,190 --> 00:42:14,590 then I've got two words for you, love: life insurance. 700 00:42:14,630 --> 00:42:17,470 The man is a walking disaster area. Ask anyone. 701 00:42:17,510 --> 00:42:20,430 Oh, come on, cheer up! 702 00:42:20,470 --> 00:42:22,990 'Ey, I bet I know how I could make you laugh. 703 00:42:23,470 --> 00:42:25,150 Diddle-liddle-liddle-la... 704 00:42:26,190 --> 00:42:28,110 I think somebody wants a giggle! 705 00:42:28,150 --> 00:42:30,510 Summer, you're actually - You're hurting me now. 706 00:42:30,550 --> 00:42:32,270 Come on, laugh, you bitch! 707 00:42:32,750 --> 00:42:35,950 Ow! Summer, listen, I've been thinking and - What's going on? 708 00:42:35,990 --> 00:42:38,910 She just punched me in the tit! - It was accidental. 709 00:42:38,950 --> 00:42:42,110 - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. I was aiming for your face. 710 00:42:42,150 --> 00:42:44,950 - Kath, say something! - I think you should leave. 711 00:42:44,990 --> 00:42:47,590 Yes! I do, too, Little Miss Dress From Primark! 712 00:42:47,630 --> 00:42:49,430 No, Summer, I think YOU should leave. 713 00:42:50,510 --> 00:42:51,710 Me?! 714 00:42:53,590 --> 00:42:55,350 Oh, I see. 715 00:42:55,390 --> 00:42:57,070 It's like that, is it?! 716 00:42:57,110 --> 00:43:00,870 Well, wait until I tell our proper friends what you've turned into. 717 00:43:00,910 --> 00:43:02,510 B- o-r-ing! 718 00:43:02,550 --> 00:43:04,550 And I'll tell you another thing, 719 00:43:04,590 --> 00:43:08,270 I'm organising a big girls' trip, out to Faliraki in September. 720 00:43:08,310 --> 00:43:11,190 And you are not invited. 721 00:43:11,230 --> 00:43:14,070 I wouldn't go anyway! Hodge is taking me to Centre Parcs! 722 00:43:14,110 --> 00:43:17,670 Huh! Well, whose fault's that, Kath?! 723 00:43:23,190 --> 00:43:27,550 Aimed for her face, eh? Well, yeah. Good girl. She can stay! 724 00:43:27,590 --> 00:43:30,310 Too bloody right. 725 00:43:34,830 --> 00:43:36,750 Lovely to meet you! 726 00:43:40,510 --> 00:43:42,510 Something wrong with your accelerator? 727 00:43:42,550 --> 00:43:47,230 'Get to Macclesfield, go back to Manchester, come to Stoke... ' You wanna make up your mind. 728 00:43:47,270 --> 00:43:49,790 You stop being so selfish. You can easily be replaced! 729 00:43:49,830 --> 00:43:51,510 W - Who's he?! 730 00:44:11,790 --> 00:44:13,750 OK. Now us. 731 00:44:36,670 --> 00:44:39,070 Hey! You idiots! 732 00:44:39,390 --> 00:44:43,030 - Are you not angry with us? - Yeah. But we're also smashed. 733 00:44:43,070 --> 00:44:46,590 Hodge the Todge. 734 00:44:47,830 --> 00:44:50,070 Happy anniversary, baby pie. 735 00:44:56,630 --> 00:45:01,070 Look, I've been thinking. I'll go with you to Old Trafford but I don't have to watch. 736 00:45:01,510 --> 00:45:04,310 I don't want you to come to Old Trafford. Eh? 737 00:45:04,430 --> 00:45:07,990 It was a test. And guess what? You've passed! 738 00:45:12,670 --> 00:45:15,710 - You're frightening her. Go and talk to her. - I am not frightening - 739 00:45:28,150 --> 00:45:31,430 - D'you want another one of those? - Yeah. - Two more, please. 740 00:45:38,030 --> 00:45:40,190 Hey, lads, he's off again. 741 00:45:48,270 --> 00:45:50,270 itfc subtitles