2 00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:14,974 ♪ All the shadows in the city ♪ 3 00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:18,603 ♪ Used to love you, what a pity ♪ 4 00:00:18,770 --> 00:00:22,649 ♪ I miss the questions you used to ask me ♪ 5 00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:26,778 ♪ Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely ♪ 6 00:00:26,945 --> 00:00:30,698 ♪ Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely... ♪ 7 00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:32,700 ♪ Bored to death ♪ 8 00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:35,036 ♪ Cut, mad and lonely. ♪ 9 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:57,016 You know, I blame myself for this prostate cancer. 10 00:00:57,183 --> 00:01:00,061 If you have a character flaw, 11 00:01:00,228 --> 00:01:02,397 you're susceptible to disease in that area. 12 00:01:02,564 --> 00:01:03,898 What do you mean? I don't understand. 13 00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:06,442 It's a new theory of mine. For example, 14 00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:08,861 I had a great aunt who lived up in Newport. 15 00:01:09,028 --> 00:01:12,115 She used her beauty selfishly... 16 00:01:12,282 --> 00:01:15,243 got married four times, always for money. 17 00:01:15,410 --> 00:01:17,287 And then she had sinus cancer 18 00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:19,330 and her nose had to be removed. 19 00:01:19,497 --> 00:01:22,375 - Oh my God, the nose. - I know, very disfiguring. 20 00:01:22,542 --> 00:01:24,502 Now there's me. You know, 21 00:01:24,669 --> 00:01:28,590 I've been sexually out of control for 40 years. 22 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:32,176 I mean, I've torn through people's lives. 23 00:01:32,343 --> 00:01:34,846 So my punishment is prostate cancer. 24 00:01:35,013 --> 00:01:37,390 George, you're being way too hard on yourself. 25 00:01:37,557 --> 00:01:39,392 It's not good for your immune system. 26 00:01:39,559 --> 00:01:41,102 No, I'm not being too hard, Jonathan. 27 00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:46,274 I've been selfish. I've been living like a demented god. 28 00:01:46,441 --> 00:01:48,192 Well, I wish I could live like a demented god. 29 00:01:48,359 --> 00:01:50,570 I've been living like a demented loser. 30 00:01:50,737 --> 00:01:52,905 No, this is about me. 31 00:01:53,072 --> 00:01:55,325 Look, I'm the only one who's allowed to be negative here. 32 00:01:55,491 --> 00:01:59,037 But I suck at everything. I was broken up with again. 33 00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:01,581 I'm a lousy detective. My parents had to bail me out. 34 00:02:01,748 --> 00:02:05,418 Name one private detective who goes to his parents when he's in trouble. 35 00:02:05,585 --> 00:02:06,878 And I'm failing as a writer. 36 00:02:07,045 --> 00:02:08,671 I disagree with everything you've said. 37 00:02:08,838 --> 00:02:10,882 There's nothing to disagree with. These are statements of fact. 38 00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:13,968 I should probably just quit everything and go to law school. 39 00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:17,347 Oh God no, that's horrible. No, listen to me... 40 00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,849 Jonathan, everything you do is fun... 41 00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:26,856 Keep doing what you're doing. It's not boring. 42 00:02:27,023 --> 00:02:28,775 And that's all that counts in life. 43 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:31,694 George, you're not dying. 44 00:02:31,861 --> 00:02:33,696 You're gonna be okay. 45 00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:36,949 You're dating your doctor. She cares about your prostate. 46 00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:43,539 But I may not be okay. 47 00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,709 You know, I was reading Joan Didion, 48 00:02:46,876 --> 00:02:50,588 where she describes how her husband died... just like that. 49 00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:54,384 It just seems so unfair that we can be turned off 50 00:02:54,550 --> 00:02:56,469 like a... like a switch, 51 00:02:56,636 --> 00:03:00,515 like we never lived, like we never mattered. 52 00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:06,646 I don't want to be turned off. 53 00:03:06,813 --> 00:03:08,147 Okay. 54 00:03:08,314 --> 00:03:11,818 We both need to do a lot better with our positive thinking. 55 00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:13,403 Mmm. 56 00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:15,822 What's something positive we can think about? 57 00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:18,991 Uh... 58 00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,243 oh... no, 59 00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:22,412 that last bag of pot you got me? 60 00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:25,164 Very dreamy. Now that's positive. 61 00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:29,544 In my mind, I saw a dandelion 62 00:03:29,711 --> 00:03:32,046 turn into a tiger's paw. 63 00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:33,756 It was beautiful. 64 00:03:33,923 --> 00:03:36,050 Right. 65 00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:50,523 You're not what I had in mind for a dick. 66 00:03:50,690 --> 00:03:52,900 I was expecting a piece of beef... shoulders. 67 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,486 Well, if you don't like my dimensions, I thank you for the whiskey 68 00:03:55,653 --> 00:03:57,697 - and I'll be on my way. - No no. No no no. 69 00:03:57,864 --> 00:04:01,242 I'm sorry. You got expressive hands. 70 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:03,578 That's a sign of intelligence and I need somebody with brains. 71 00:04:03,745 --> 00:04:06,581 I'll take the compliment. I'm short on them these days. 72 00:04:06,748 --> 00:04:10,168 So what's the nature of your problem, Professor? 73 00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:11,753 Do you break into places for clients? 74 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,755 I've been known to. What do you need done? 75 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:17,216 Oh, I screwed up... bad. 76 00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:19,761 Look, I'll be frank with you... I'm a tenured professor, 77 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,804 But I'm also a junkie... 78 00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,723 functional. 79 00:04:23,890 --> 00:04:26,642 But I got in hock to my dealers. 80 00:04:26,809 --> 00:04:29,937 I was desperate and I gave them something valuable. 81 00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:32,523 - What did you give them? - A signed first edition of "On The Road." 82 00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,942 I convinced them it was worth $1,000 on eBay. 83 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,278 Wow. I love Jack Kerouac. 84 00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:39,989 What Capote said about him was completely unfair. 85 00:04:40,156 --> 00:04:42,450 Yeah, but I went online after I gave it to them 86 00:04:42,617 --> 00:04:45,995 and I found out the book is worth much more than I thought. 87 00:04:46,162 --> 00:04:50,041 I'm an idiot. It could fetch as much as 75 grand. 88 00:04:50,208 --> 00:04:51,876 Holy shit. That's a lot of money. 89 00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:54,545 That's right. I could retire on that cash. 90 00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:56,923 And I need a new chair. 91 00:04:57,089 --> 00:04:59,801 You know, when you're chairbound, 92 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,344 hemorrhoids are very cruel. 93 00:05:01,511 --> 00:05:03,930 So where's the book now? 94 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:06,140 I don't know. But here's what I had in mind... 95 00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:09,227 tomorrow their runner drops off my bag of dope. 96 00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:11,604 You follow 'em back to their base. 97 00:05:11,771 --> 00:05:13,815 When they're out, you get the book. 98 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:17,318 - Will you do it? - Okay, I'll take the case. 99 00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:20,822 Ah, good. You come in a queer package, but you got guts. 100 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,449 - I had guts once. - If you don't mind me asking, 101 00:05:23,616 --> 00:05:25,451 what kind of professor are you, Professor? 102 00:05:25,618 --> 00:05:26,828 I'm a novelist. 103 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,539 I teach fiction writing in the MFA program. 104 00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:31,374 Really? I'm a... 105 00:05:31,541 --> 00:05:34,544 I'm sorry, I haven't heard of you. What books have you written? 106 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,963 Just one. It came out in '70. 107 00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,507 It was called "The Music That Kills," 108 00:05:39,674 --> 00:05:43,052 about a homicidal concert pianist, goes nuts from too much practicing. 109 00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:44,887 Why didn't you write a second novel? 110 00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:47,265 Because I was afraid to. 111 00:05:53,688 --> 00:05:54,689 Shit. 112 00:05:54,856 --> 00:05:57,483 - There's Ray. - Oh my God, it's Ray. 113 00:05:57,650 --> 00:05:58,860 Ma, look, there's Ray. 114 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,903 Ray! Ray! 115 00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:03,698 - Hey, hi. - Hi Ray! 116 00:06:03,865 --> 00:06:06,534 Okay, girls. Why don't you go with Molly and Lydia? 117 00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:09,328 - Little ladies. - The girls wanted to, 118 00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:12,540 well, you know. It's funny bumping into you. 119 00:06:12,707 --> 00:06:16,002 - Ha. Only in Brooklyn. - Yep. 120 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,879 What happened to your forehead? 121 00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:21,757 Oh that? George shot me with a rubber-bullet gun. 122 00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:23,551 - What? - It doesn't matter. 123 00:06:23,718 --> 00:06:26,846 I'm sorry about that night with Irwin... 124 00:06:27,013 --> 00:06:30,224 you know, your lover with the orange pubes? 125 00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:32,518 Yeah, I know who you're talking about. 126 00:06:32,685 --> 00:06:35,897 But it's all right. I haven't heard from him since. 127 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,567 Oh, good good. I mean... 128 00:06:39,734 --> 00:06:42,236 so did you... did you read my comic book? 129 00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:45,615 Uh, I haven't had the chance. I'm sorry. 130 00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:47,450 Did you listen to the mix CD I made for you? 131 00:06:47,617 --> 00:06:49,911 I put Chet Baker on it because I know that you like the shape of his nose. 132 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,330 - Did you listen to that? - Not yet, but I will. 133 00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:54,290 You should listen to it. I mean, it tells the story 134 00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:56,792 of our relationship in 18 songs. 135 00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:59,086 I kind of put them in chronological order 136 00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:02,965 from when we first met to the end part. 137 00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:06,552 - Ray, I've got to go. - Me too. Yeah, okay. 138 00:07:08,012 --> 00:07:10,181 - Okay, come on, guys. - Bye, Ray! 139 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:21,108 - Hey, is that Leah? - Yeah, you're late. 140 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,944 That would have never happened had you been here 10 minutes ago. 141 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,528 Sorry. I had insomnia. 142 00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:26,447 I masturbated like four times to pass out, 143 00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:28,658 but I couldn't fall asleep till 6:00 in the morning 144 00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,326 and then I slept late. I'm sorry. 145 00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:33,245 So was it okay to see Leah? 146 00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:36,415 No. That's the horrible miracle of break-ups... 147 00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:38,834 three years together and then you act like you don't even know each other. 148 00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,628 I'm sorry, Ray. 149 00:07:40,795 --> 00:07:44,298 Super Ray. Thanks for coming in, man. 150 00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:46,968 - Bob, this is my friend Jonathan. - Hi. 151 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,220 Hey, I didn't want to give it away in my e-mail, 152 00:07:49,387 --> 00:07:51,764 but your comic book is selling like crazy. 153 00:07:51,931 --> 00:07:53,933 - What? - Yeah. It's a hit, man. 154 00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,727 You might want to think about getting a legit publisher for this thing. 155 00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:58,270 I mean, look, self-publishing is cool, 156 00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:01,732 but I think the demand's gonna be too great. 157 00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:03,818 Oh, yo, let me get your money. 158 00:08:03,985 --> 00:08:06,153 Yeah okay. Yeah, good. 159 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,281 Ray, this is wonderful. 160 00:08:09,448 --> 00:08:12,743 - Are... are you the creator of "Super Ray"? - Uh, yes I am. 161 00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:15,371 - Could you sign my copy of your comic? - Sure, sure. 162 00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:17,832 We think it's so cool that Super Ray gets his powers 163 00:08:17,999 --> 00:08:20,251 from his penis hitting the third rail. 164 00:08:20,418 --> 00:08:22,294 Where do you get your ideas? 165 00:08:22,461 --> 00:08:25,840 - I smoke pot, then I draw. - That's cool. 166 00:08:26,007 --> 00:08:29,552 Um, could you sign this page? It's my favorite. 167 00:08:29,719 --> 00:08:31,512 - Sure. - It's so romantic. 168 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,347 Super Ray really loves Leah. 169 00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:35,808 Yes he does. 170 00:08:35,975 --> 00:08:38,477 Okay, here you go. 171 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,396 Are you a Vulcan or an elf? 172 00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:42,982 Oh please, I'm an elf. 173 00:08:43,149 --> 00:08:45,317 Right, okay. Sorry. 174 00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:53,075 I can't believe you did that. 175 00:08:53,242 --> 00:08:55,327 - I know! - Holy shit. 176 00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:57,204 You're on a roll. What's going on? 177 00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:59,707 I don't know. But something is happening. 178 00:08:59,874 --> 00:09:02,877 Ever since I finished the comic book, it's like I am Super Ray. 179 00:09:03,044 --> 00:09:06,380 I mean, aside from Leah crushing my balls, 180 00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,507 I'm feeling pretty good. 181 00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:10,051 It's cool. It's like you're having 182 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:13,095 some kind of a psychic transference with your own character. 183 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,931 Yes. Also... 184 00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:19,560 my mom gave me some advice from a self-help pamphlet that she reads. 185 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,979 She's always doing that because of my dad's OTB addiction 186 00:09:22,146 --> 00:09:23,647 and because of her diabetes foot. 187 00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,566 - I forgot she has diabetes. - Yes. 188 00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:28,527 She told me to visualize impossible things happening, 189 00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:31,322 which I did. You know what I visualized? 190 00:09:31,489 --> 00:09:34,617 - Making money. - I need to get that pamphlet. 191 00:09:34,784 --> 00:09:37,495 Super Ray! There's your money, Ray. 192 00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:40,831 - Bang. - ♪ Let's go have a drink ♪ 193 00:09:40,998 --> 00:09:43,375 ♪ Right now and get drunk ♪ 194 00:09:43,542 --> 00:09:45,377 ♪ 16 gin and tonics. ♪ 195 00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:47,838 It's not even noon. I can't anyways. 196 00:09:48,005 --> 00:09:49,423 I've got to go to Midwood College for a case. 197 00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:51,592 - Do you want to come? - Are you kidding? 198 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:54,178 Last time I tried to help you, George shot me in the head. 199 00:09:54,345 --> 00:09:57,431 What would a police duck 200 00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:00,434 say to a suicidal bear? 201 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,438 "You can bear it." 202 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,941 Oh God, that's terrible. 203 00:10:07,108 --> 00:10:10,569 I'm never gonna win this thing. 204 00:10:10,736 --> 00:10:12,196 - What are you doing? - Ah. 205 00:10:12,363 --> 00:10:16,700 Um, I was just studying "The New Yorker." 206 00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:18,786 I had an idea too. 207 00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:21,664 Instead of the caption contest, which is stupid, 208 00:10:21,831 --> 00:10:25,376 why don't we let readers send in cartoons every week 209 00:10:25,543 --> 00:10:27,419 and we'll publish the best one? 210 00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:31,006 You know, I think people will love that. That's not a bad idea. 211 00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,259 I have a friend, actually, who's a cartoonist. 212 00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:35,427 No, I don't like cartoons. 213 00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:37,638 All right. 214 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,932 So I just came by to let you know 215 00:10:40,099 --> 00:10:42,434 that all "Edition" employees are subject 216 00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:45,646 to a mandatory random drug test this afternoon. 217 00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:48,691 A drug test? Oh no. No, listen... 218 00:10:48,858 --> 00:10:50,985 that is not in the spirit of things 219 00:10:51,152 --> 00:10:52,987 that I have cultivated here at "Edition." 220 00:10:53,154 --> 00:10:56,407 I'm sorry. But it's protocol for all subsidiaries 221 00:10:56,574 --> 00:10:58,325 of Wellstone Media. They require it. 222 00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,494 All right. I'll inform the troops, 223 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,496 but they're not gonna like it. 224 00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:05,499 Well, the troops already know, George. I'm just here to inform you. 225 00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:11,088 I have to take a drug test? 226 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,676 As soon as he leaves, I'll go out on this balcony. 227 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,845 Now you wait outside. 228 00:11:18,012 --> 00:11:20,556 When I spot him, I'll give you this sign. 229 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,725 I like that signal. I've used it before. 230 00:11:22,892 --> 00:11:23,893 All right. 231 00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:26,854 I want to confess something, Professor Hawkins. 232 00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:28,230 Yeah? 233 00:11:28,397 --> 00:11:32,651 You see, I'm also a writer like you. 234 00:11:32,818 --> 00:11:34,528 I've published one novel. 235 00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:37,781 Oh no, I need a detective... a man of action... 236 00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:41,410 not some effete scribbler. 237 00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:44,580 You've got to get that book for me. I need that 75 grand. 238 00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:47,833 - This chair is killing me. - Don't worry. 239 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,795 I'm both... writer and detective. 240 00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:55,716 Uh, okay. I get it. 241 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,719 Yeah. That's good... a writer needs to get his hands dirty, 242 00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,179 be steeped in vice. 243 00:12:00,346 --> 00:12:02,932 - I knew you had guts! - Thank you. 244 00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:06,185 You know, you should write about your cases like Dashiell Hammett did. 245 00:12:06,352 --> 00:12:08,729 Oh shit! He'll be here any minute. 246 00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,898 Go on, get downstairs. 247 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,157 I'm definitely gonna go to the meeting. 248 00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,039 Hello, Professor. 249 00:12:29,250 --> 00:12:33,128 - Jonathan? - Oh. Hello, Louis. This is odd. 250 00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:35,089 What are you doing here at Midwood College? 251 00:12:35,256 --> 00:12:38,759 Let me guess... you're taking a basic writing class. 252 00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:41,845 No, Louis, I'm not in school. I'm on a case. 253 00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:44,807 Oh yes, I forgot about your mental troubles in that area. 254 00:12:44,974 --> 00:12:46,725 Tell me, you weren't a forceps baby, were you? 255 00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,727 Your skull seems pinched on top. 256 00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:51,438 Shut up, Louis. What are you doing here? 257 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,316 I'm adjuncting in the English department this semester. 258 00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:56,694 - You... really? - Yes, of course. 259 00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:58,737 God, I would love to teach here someday. 260 00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:01,407 I mean, this campus is so romantic. 261 00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:03,784 And I'm already very partial to sport coats, 262 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,786 which is great for being a professor. 263 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:08,205 Don't be ridiculous, Jonathan. You're not cut out for academia. 264 00:13:08,372 --> 00:13:11,792 What are you going to do... teach students how to write without flair or talent? 265 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,753 Greene, what exactly is your problem with me? 266 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:18,382 Quite simply, you offend me aesthetically. 267 00:13:18,549 --> 00:13:21,385 And I regret not thrashing you more thoroughly in the boxing ring. 268 00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:22,553 But I won. 269 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:26,515 I feel, in retrospect, that I performed in the more dominating fashion. 270 00:13:31,312 --> 00:13:34,440 What? Do I have something? 271 00:13:38,277 --> 00:13:40,279 But... where are you going? 272 00:13:40,446 --> 00:13:42,239 I'm sorry you're so bitter, Greene. 273 00:13:42,406 --> 00:13:44,700 Must be difficult to have never known the touch of a woman 274 00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:47,619 because you have the bloated head of a pumpkin and breath like cat food. 275 00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:49,830 Well, at least I don't advertise myself on craigslist 276 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,707 like some kind of whore. 277 00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:54,752 Calling yourself a private detective! Ha! 278 00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:58,589 Humph... I suppose it's better than calling yourself a writer. 279 00:14:08,307 --> 00:14:10,476 - Here you go. - Thank you, maestro. 280 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,817 Can I get a couple of shots of a nice whiskey for me and the lady, please? 281 00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:21,236 Sure. 282 00:14:26,492 --> 00:14:28,869 Ahem... 283 00:14:29,995 --> 00:14:32,748 Ah-hh. Two more, please. Ahem. 284 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,546 So what's the big occasion? 285 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:42,591 I came into a little bit of money today. 286 00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:44,885 Hmm. So I guess you can buy me another drink. 287 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:46,387 Sure. 288 00:14:52,393 --> 00:14:54,395 Sorry about that. 289 00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:59,650 So what's your name? 290 00:14:59,817 --> 00:15:02,361 - Trouble. - "Trouble." 291 00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:04,947 That was my mom's name. 292 00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:08,200 Oh, that's good. That's smoky. 293 00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:10,577 - Two more? - Sure. 294 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,955 You could grow on a person. 295 00:15:13,122 --> 00:15:15,207 I have. 296 00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:18,419 So what's your middle name? 297 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,711 Carol. 298 00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:23,215 Carol. That's my father's name. 299 00:15:54,872 --> 00:15:57,916 Oh hey. Walter, right? How you doing? 300 00:15:58,083 --> 00:16:01,044 I'm fine, but my name is Steven, Mr. Christopher. 301 00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,965 Right right, sorry. I was just wondering, Steven... 302 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,301 see, I took this anti-diuretic 303 00:16:07,468 --> 00:16:09,720 and I am... I'm very very dry. 304 00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:13,640 Any chance that you could fill up my urine cup for me? 305 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,809 I mean, it would be embarrassing if all I had 306 00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:17,978 was a few meager droplets, right? 307 00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:19,563 I don't understand. 308 00:16:19,730 --> 00:16:22,566 All I'm saying is a young fellow like yourself 309 00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:25,235 probably has enough urine for two people. 310 00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:26,820 Now is that too much to ask? 311 00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,072 Excuse me, Mr. Christopher, 312 00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:31,825 I... I have to go look at something on my computer. 313 00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:34,453 Ha! Ha. All right. 314 00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,497 Shit. 315 00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:42,252 Hey. Bobby, right? How old are you? 316 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:10,113 - George, listen... - Hey, Jonathan, Jonathan, 317 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,866 how long does marijuana stay in a person's system? 318 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,536 - Is it more than 24 hours? - I'm not sure. Listen... 319 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,996 Well, shit, you're supposed to know these things. 320 00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:19,331 Why? I'm not an expert. 321 00:17:19,498 --> 00:17:22,751 I did hear something about marijuana staying in our fatty tissues... 322 00:17:22,918 --> 00:17:24,378 - Oh oh. - What the fuck are you doing? 323 00:17:24,545 --> 00:17:26,046 - George, I have to go. - No no! 324 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:29,174 I need help. Oh...! 325 00:17:29,341 --> 00:17:32,052 I was just inspecting the sealing of your window here 326 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:33,804 and you're definitely at risk for leakage. 327 00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:36,306 You a fuckin' cop? You look like a cop. 328 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,891 I do? 329 00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:03,542 Oh no, that's... 330 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,671 I swear I'm not a cop. 331 00:18:07,838 --> 00:18:10,549 I was just walking by and I was drawn to your window. 332 00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:13,719 I admit it... 333 00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:16,096 I'm a voyeur. 334 00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:18,098 What the fuck is a voyeur? 335 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:20,559 You know, like a peeping Tom. 336 00:18:20,726 --> 00:18:23,645 - Who the fuck is Tom? - And who the fuck is that? 337 00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:35,449 How'd you get that band-aid? 338 00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:37,451 Police work with friends. 339 00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:40,037 Mmm. That's sexy. 340 00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,539 Mm-hmm. 341 00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:46,084 Mmm. My God, look at this thing. 342 00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:47,252 Mm-hmm. 343 00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:50,714 - It's so beardy. - Mm-hmm. 344 00:18:50,881 --> 00:18:53,383 I want to go down on it. 345 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,472 I don't like that. 346 00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:01,058 - My dad had a beard. - Mmm. 347 00:19:01,224 --> 00:19:04,645 He died when I was 16 of esophageal hemorrhages... 348 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,980 from drinking. 349 00:19:07,147 --> 00:19:09,608 - I'm gonna be a dad. - Mmm? 350 00:19:09,775 --> 00:19:14,446 These two lesbians in Ditmas Park got ahold of my sperm 351 00:19:14,613 --> 00:19:17,574 and they're six months' pregnant. 352 00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:20,452 I don't know if I'm ever gonna be allowed to see the child, but... 353 00:19:20,619 --> 00:19:22,663 I don't want to hear about your other women. 354 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,373 Yeah, sorry. 355 00:19:27,876 --> 00:19:29,670 Boop boop. 356 00:19:36,677 --> 00:19:39,179 You should let me go and hurt him. 357 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:42,224 I'm just a writer. I'm doing a piece on him for "The New Yorker." 358 00:19:42,391 --> 00:19:45,102 - You are? - I was thinking about a "Talk of the Town" piece. 359 00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:48,188 You know, they're always about marginal crackpots living on the edge of reality... 360 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:51,024 your whole Walter Mitty delusion about being a detective. 361 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:53,318 See, these motherfuckers are detectives. 362 00:19:53,485 --> 00:19:54,486 - No no no! - Listen, guys, guys! 363 00:19:54,653 --> 00:19:56,697 We are not undercover cops. I swear. 364 00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:59,241 I'll buy pot from you. Would a cop buy pot? 365 00:19:59,408 --> 00:20:01,243 I have a friend... he has cancer. 366 00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:04,538 He needs marijuana. Now my own dealer disappeared recently. 367 00:20:04,705 --> 00:20:06,540 That's probably because you put him away. 368 00:20:06,707 --> 00:20:08,542 Yeah, don't try that entrapment bullshit, assholes. 369 00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:11,670 There's only one way to know whether a cop is a cop. 370 00:20:11,837 --> 00:20:13,797 Here you go. 371 00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:16,341 Snort this, "Five-0," and show us you ain't a cop. 372 00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:18,677 I refuse. That house key is very dirty 373 00:20:18,844 --> 00:20:20,804 and I've never done anything stronger than a vodka gimlet. 374 00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:22,723 - So... - Snort it. 375 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,349 - I just couldn't... - Snort it. 376 00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:25,934 I have terrible nasal polyps. 377 00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:36,611 Run! 378 00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:39,614 - It says "Don't Walk." - Just run! 379 00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:49,583 You know, I still can't believe you thought for a moment 380 00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:51,585 that you could teach at Midwood College. 381 00:20:51,752 --> 00:20:53,587 Would you just shut up? I could teach there. 382 00:20:53,754 --> 00:20:55,630 I'm teaching at Metropolitan Writers Workshop. 383 00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:57,466 Ha! That rip-off night school? 384 00:20:57,632 --> 00:20:59,885 The only students there are ex-cons and subnormals. 385 00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,678 Ah! Fuckety! 386 00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:04,765 Oh shit. Come on. Come on. 387 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,433 Come on. 388 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:07,726 Ah! 389 00:21:09,895 --> 00:21:13,857 I can't. I can't go on. Oh, listen to me. 390 00:21:14,024 --> 00:21:16,735 You bastard. You've reduced my life to a B movie. 391 00:21:16,902 --> 00:21:19,321 You know, go get help, you idiot. 392 00:21:19,488 --> 00:21:21,531 I'll hide behind these logs. 393 00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:25,243 Okay. I'll be back. 394 00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:26,828 I just want you to know that even though 395 00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:30,290 you're the most horrible person I've ever met, I won't leave you here to die. 396 00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:33,919 Go, you idiot! Oh, sentimental claptrap. 397 00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:38,715 - Follow these footprints! - Turn right. 398 00:21:38,882 --> 00:21:40,634 - All right, all right. - I don't see him! 399 00:21:40,801 --> 00:21:42,928 Oh, come on, man. 400 00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:56,733 Help, Jonathan! Help! 401 00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,158 What are you looking for, man? What you lookin' for? 402 00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:06,827 Let me help him. 403 00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:09,496 Oh, you didn't. Ugh-hh! 404 00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,295 Get away from me. 405 00:22:28,682 --> 00:22:30,350 Come here. Come on. 406 00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:31,768 Let's go. 407 00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:33,186 - Ah! - This way. 408 00:22:33,353 --> 00:22:34,688 Gotta get my bag of pot and the book. 409 00:22:34,855 --> 00:22:36,690 My ankle will never be the same because of you. 410 00:22:36,857 --> 00:22:38,441 Shut up, Louis. I just saved your life. 411 00:22:42,571 --> 00:22:44,781 George, we need to talk. 412 00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,741 Sure, come on in. 413 00:22:46,908 --> 00:22:50,662 I'm working on my column, but it can wait for you. 414 00:22:51,705 --> 00:22:54,499 I'm going to speak very slowly 415 00:22:54,666 --> 00:22:58,044 because you're probably stoned right now. 416 00:22:58,211 --> 00:23:01,756 Your urine tested off the charts 417 00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:04,384 for THC. 418 00:23:04,551 --> 00:23:08,263 What? You already got the results? 419 00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:11,308 On-site lab, George... very high-tech. 420 00:23:11,474 --> 00:23:15,228 And adding soap to your specimen wasn't very clever. 421 00:23:15,395 --> 00:23:18,398 Soap? Oh no. There must be a mistake. 422 00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:21,318 I mean, it happens all the time at the Olympics... 423 00:23:21,484 --> 00:23:24,571 Somebody's sample gets confused with somebody else's. 424 00:23:24,738 --> 00:23:27,240 You know, I've noticed that Walter has... 425 00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:30,744 Steven has sometimes very red beady eyes. Have you... 426 00:23:30,911 --> 00:23:34,122 George, you're going to have to go to rehab. 427 00:23:34,289 --> 00:23:35,832 Company policy. 428 00:23:35,999 --> 00:23:38,960 We usually send people to a very nice place in Arizona. 429 00:23:39,127 --> 00:23:43,423 - Ariz... oh Jesus. - The dry air is good for sobriety. 430 00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:52,265 Katherine? 431 00:23:52,432 --> 00:23:54,100 I haven't wanted to tell anyone 432 00:23:54,267 --> 00:23:58,104 because I didn't want to frighten anyone here at the office, 433 00:23:58,271 --> 00:24:01,524 - but I have prostate cancer. - What? 434 00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:04,945 I can get you a doctor's note and everything. 435 00:24:05,111 --> 00:24:07,280 I admit I've been smoking marijuana, 436 00:24:07,447 --> 00:24:09,991 but for medicinal purposes. 437 00:24:10,158 --> 00:24:12,035 It's why I failed the drug test. 438 00:24:12,202 --> 00:24:15,747 Oh, George, I'm very sorry about your cancer. 439 00:24:15,914 --> 00:24:18,708 It's okay. it's... I'm sure everything will turn out all right. 440 00:24:18,875 --> 00:24:23,380 My doctor is wonderful. We started dating, actually. 441 00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:26,633 You're dating your doctor? Did you get a second opinion? 442 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:30,470 No no, but you know, she has very good taste. 443 00:24:30,637 --> 00:24:34,224 So no no, I trust her opinion. 444 00:24:34,391 --> 00:24:37,060 All right. Well, you'll let me know 445 00:24:37,227 --> 00:24:39,020 if there's anything I can do to help. 446 00:24:39,187 --> 00:24:40,814 Of course, Katherine. 447 00:24:40,981 --> 00:24:42,107 Okay. 448 00:24:50,448 --> 00:24:53,618 ♪ I don't have to go to rehab. ♪ 449 00:24:53,785 --> 00:24:57,455 I have cancer. 450 00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:07,716 So Greene is down on the ground 451 00:25:07,882 --> 00:25:10,969 like Piggy in "Lord of the Flies" and I just can't leave him there. 452 00:25:11,136 --> 00:25:14,639 So I swoop in... huh-hunh! 453 00:25:14,806 --> 00:25:17,225 Hah hah! Bam! 454 00:25:17,392 --> 00:25:20,020 I mean, it was like I was having an out-of-body experience. 455 00:25:20,186 --> 00:25:22,522 I took them all out, George. It was incredible. 456 00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:24,774 I am so proud of you, dear boy. 457 00:25:24,941 --> 00:25:27,527 I think it's because of this pamphlet that Ray's mom read. 458 00:25:27,694 --> 00:25:29,821 It's all about visualizing delusional things 459 00:25:29,988 --> 00:25:33,366 - and then believing in them. - But isn't that like schizophrenia? 460 00:25:33,533 --> 00:25:36,369 You have a point. Anyway, maybe just as an exercise, 461 00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:39,080 you should visualize that your prostate is cancer-free. 462 00:25:39,247 --> 00:25:42,751 Well, you know I have an open mind to all these things. I'll try anything. 463 00:25:42,917 --> 00:25:44,586 Good. I'm gonna try. 464 00:25:44,753 --> 00:25:46,838 I'm gonna visualize three delusional things for myself... 465 00:25:47,005 --> 00:25:50,216 that I'm a successful writer, detective and college professor. 466 00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:52,635 I like all those professions for you. 467 00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:54,721 Yeah. And what's good about all these jobs 468 00:25:54,888 --> 00:25:57,807 is you wear basically the same outfit... sport coats... 469 00:25:57,974 --> 00:26:00,226 So you save money. And I look good in them. 470 00:26:01,561 --> 00:26:03,772 - Can I show you again how I took them all out? - Of course. 471 00:26:03,938 --> 00:26:06,483 Okay. So here I am standing in the trees, right? 472 00:26:06,649 --> 00:26:09,611 Now Greene is down on the ground here and he's looking for his glasses. 473 00:26:09,778 --> 00:26:11,654 That's my favorite part. 474 00:26:11,821 --> 00:26:14,240 Now I am here. I go down... 475 00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:36,096 Where am I? 476 00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:38,098 Who are you? 477 00:26:38,264 --> 00:26:40,391 I'll tell you later. 478 00:26:42,435 --> 00:26:45,522 Whatever you do, do not flush the toilet. 479 00:27:05,708 --> 00:27:08,711 ♪ Well, I'm the friendly stranger in the black sedan ♪ 480 00:27:08,878 --> 00:27:11,047 ♪ Won't you hop inside my car? ♪ 481 00:27:11,214 --> 00:27:13,299 ♪ I got pictures, candy, I'm a loveable man ♪ 482 00:27:13,466 --> 00:27:15,635 ♪ And I could take you to the nearest star ♪ 483 00:27:15,802 --> 00:27:17,804 ♪ I'm your vehicle, babe ♪ 484 00:27:17,971 --> 00:27:20,306 ♪ I'll take you anywhere you want to go ♪ 485 00:27:20,473 --> 00:27:22,600 ♪ I'm your vehicle, woman ♪ 486 00:27:22,767 --> 00:27:24,727 ♪ By now I'm sure you know ♪ 487 00:27:24,894 --> 00:27:26,312 - ♪ That I love ya ♪ - ♪ Love ya ♪ 488 00:27:26,479 --> 00:27:27,647 - ♪ I need ya ♪ - ♪ Need ya ♪ 489 00:27:27,814 --> 00:27:30,316 ♪ I want ya, I got to have ya ♪ 490 00:27:30,483 --> 00:27:34,737 ♪ Great God in heaven, you know I love you ♪ 491 00:27:34,904 --> 00:27:37,574 ♪ And I'm your vehicle, babe ♪ 492 00:27:38,867 --> 00:27:40,785 ♪ All right ♪ 493 00:27:40,952 --> 00:27:42,620 - ♪ You know I love ya ♪ - ♪ Love ya ♪ 494 00:27:42,787 --> 00:27:43,788 - ♪ I need ya ♪ - ♪ Need ya ♪ 495 00:27:43,955 --> 00:27:46,666 ♪ I want ya, got to have ya, child ♪ 496 00:27:46,833 --> 00:27:48,334 ♪ Great God in heaven ♪ 497 00:27:48,501 --> 00:27:52,797 ♪ You know I love you. ♪