1 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,175 Previously on Californication... 2 00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:13,095 The DA's office was willing to drop the assault charges. That's the good news. 3 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,431 - What's the bad news? - You're being charged with statutory rape. 4 00:00:15,473 --> 00:00:17,850 You should probably consider a little man-scaping. 5 00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:19,685 - You're way hairy. - Really? 6 00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:24,690 - I'm late. - Bingo. 7 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,942 Come on, let's get you a pregnancy test. 8 00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:28,819 Fuck. The rabbit done died. 9 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,864 - I met the wife. - Yeah, soon to be ex. Splitsville. 10 00:00:31,906 --> 00:00:33,741 So you wouldn't mind if I took a crack at her? 11 00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:36,910 Considering that you actually wrote the book that I love, 12 00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:39,788 how about you rewrite the script that I loathe? 13 00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:43,459 - And Sasha Bingham will star? - Yes, she's reading as we speak. 14 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:44,918 What about Eddie Nero? 15 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:46,628 - So is there a script? - Fuck no. 16 00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:48,630 - But he's getting close. - Ish. 17 00:00:48,673 --> 00:00:50,632 With Sasha's interest, 18 00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:53,177 and with Hank's face all over the news right now, 19 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,637 we could be at Sundance this time next year. 20 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,307 The prosecution has a lame case. And they know it too. 21 00:00:58,349 --> 00:01:00,726 Have you met my attorney? 22 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:04,897 You should probably stay far away from the Mias and the Sashas of the world right now. 23 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,695 Hey, check it out. 24 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,772 It should be pretty cut and dry. 25 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,858 You plead guilty to unlawful sexual conduct, 26 00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:52,402 the statutory rape charge goes away. 27 00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:56,865 Discretion, counsellor? 28 00:01:56,908 --> 00:02:00,202 It being the better part of valour and whatnot. 29 00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:02,204 In any case... 30 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,790 ...you're looking at a thousand-dollar fine, 31 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:08,168 18 months' summary probation. The only thing left to hammer out 32 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,504 is the nature and duration of your community service. 33 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,757 Done. Where do I sign? But instead of doing community service, 34 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,926 can I do a PSA? 35 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:19,221 "Hi, I'm Hank Moody. Don't fuck teenagers." 36 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,223 Can I borrow a thousand bucks? 37 00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:24,226 Kidding. About the PSA. 38 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,145 I'll be damned. 39 00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:29,106 I think I'm actually seeing some of that Hank Moody mojo 40 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,024 up close and personal. 41 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:35,070 - Is my dong out? - You should probably card her, 42 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:38,198 - just to be safe. - You are on fire. 43 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:41,076 Hi, excuse me. Do we know each other? 44 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:43,662 Sorry, you're... kind of famous. 45 00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:45,747 That's right, I am kinda famous. 46 00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:48,041 It's good to see the young kids are still reading. 47 00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:50,919 Last time I checked, my shit wasn't Kindle-worthy. 48 00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:55,257 - Sorry. - Dick! 49 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,634 - Don't open it. No, no. - Let me... God! 50 00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,011 Fuck you. 51 00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:10,856 She's right. You are a dick. 52 00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:02,574 Nice work, asshole. Deal's off. 53 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:04,785 What? No fair. Indian giver. 54 00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:06,578 As you know, the DA is running for governor. 55 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:10,415 And voters don't take kindly to public officials who go soft on child molesters. 56 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:11,667 But nothing happened. 57 00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:14,920 The young ladies were just screwing around, and I put a stop to that shit. 58 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:18,757 I can't help it if some cock-tard in a fedora takes a picture at the exact wrong moment. 59 00:04:18,841 --> 00:04:21,969 It doesn't matter. It looks like something happened. 60 00:04:22,011 --> 00:04:24,930 It looks like you're thumbing your nose at the State of California. 61 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,848 OK, I get it. Duly noted 62 00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:29,685 must stop thumbing nose. All right? 63 00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:32,229 So what do we do now? What's the move? 64 00:04:32,313 --> 00:04:34,481 - You look for a new attorney. - What? 65 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,858 - I shoulda gone with my gut on this one. - What are you saying? 66 00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:38,777 - You're quitting? - In a word, 67 00:04:38,861 --> 00:04:41,029 abso-fucking-lutely. I'm dropping the case. 68 00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,991 Leaving the opportunity for you to find an attorney 69 00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:47,869 - who suits your particular personality. - You can't do that. 70 00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:50,163 - Can you? - Hank, I have never... 71 00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:53,667 had a client who makes it this difficult for me to do my job. 72 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,044 - You should talk to my agent. - I will. 73 00:04:56,087 --> 00:05:00,465 - I'll call him and recommend someone new. - Quitter. 74 00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:02,884 Good luck to you, Hank. 75 00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:06,680 I wish I could say it was nice knowing you, but that would be a big, fat lie, 76 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:09,224 because you have been an enormous pain in my ass. 77 00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:13,020 Normally I would have an incredibly childish retort to that, but I'm not going to. 78 00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:15,230 I'm gonna take the high road. 79 00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:17,149 You have a great ass. 80 00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:19,901 And the thought that I have brought it any pain brings me pain. 81 00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:23,238 All I want to do is bring your ass pleasure. That's how highly I regard it. 82 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,824 And there it goes, Abby's fantastic ass. 83 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:28,744 Fare thee well. Take care. 84 00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:31,330 We'll always have Century City! 85 00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:35,125 I'm fucked. 86 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:38,628 Go the fuck away! 87 00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:47,429 I don't want any more fucking chocolates... It's you. 88 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,182 - What do you want? - Settle down, grumpy. Can I come in? 89 00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:53,435 - Haven't you caused me enough trouble? - This is my fault? 90 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:57,898 Well, seeing as I'm in no mood to blame myself, yes. Yes, it is. 91 00:05:57,940 --> 00:06:00,025 Come on in. 92 00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:04,780 You live like a fucking animal. 93 00:06:04,822 --> 00:06:07,491 Which is exactly why it would never work out between us. 94 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:10,702 That and the fact you're old enough to be my grandfather. 95 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:14,498 Oh, fuck, are you trying to make me kill myself? 96 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,709 So I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer? 97 00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:21,922 Do it whatever way you want, fucking diva. 98 00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:25,467 - I'm dropping out. - Of high school? 99 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:28,387 - The movie. - Oh, that. 100 00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:31,723 All right, I will write you that big Oscar speech 101 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:34,017 - you wanted at the end... - No, it's not that. 102 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:38,647 This is a lot of bad press for me and, while a scandal can be a good thing, 103 00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:41,233 this whole thing is getting a little unsavoury. 104 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,612 OK, so... no movie. 105 00:06:46,614 --> 00:06:48,824 Movie, no. What's the good news? 106 00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:51,701 The good news is that I still want to have sex with you. 107 00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:55,872 - At least once more, if not twice. - That's the good news? 108 00:06:58,626 --> 00:07:00,919 Oh, my. 109 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,755 You know, that is pretty good news. 110 00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:06,716 Maybe a little something for the pain. 111 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:16,143 Shit. Put your shirt back on. Could be the law. 112 00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:23,608 Just as I suspected, the law. 113 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:28,488 - Karen! Come on in. - Hey. 114 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:32,200 Karen, I'd like you to meet Sasha Bingham. 115 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:35,537 They tell me she's a big movie star. Personally, I don't see it. 116 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:39,583 Hi, you're so beautiful. Oh, my God. I totally get it now. 117 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,710 - How'd you fuck this up? - Thank you. 118 00:07:41,752 --> 00:07:44,171 That's helpful. You can go now. 119 00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:49,009 It's nice to meet you, Sasha. Of course, I know exactly who you are, 120 00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:51,344 because I've seen all the photos. 121 00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:53,722 And that's my cue. 122 00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:55,932 Peace. 123 00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:59,144 I am disappointed in you, Karen. 124 00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,104 Reading all those stupid blogs. 125 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:04,065 - Becca showed me. - Fuck. 126 00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:09,112 - How is she? Is she OK? - OK? 127 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,239 What does that even mean at this point? 128 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,202 What do you want from me, Karen? 129 00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,370 Look around. Welcome to rock bottom. 130 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:20,540 I'm living in this shitty, filthy hotel room. 131 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,751 My career's in the shitter. 132 00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:26,671 You obviously hate me, Becca hates me, my attorney dumped me. 133 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,218 Your attorney dumped you? How does that even happen? 134 00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:33,595 I don't know. She got tired of my shit. 135 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:35,931 It's a trend. What the fuck? Whatever. 136 00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:38,683 - But wasn't she one of the good ones? - I think so. She seemed good. 137 00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:41,102 She's smart, snappy dresser, nice briefcase. 138 00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:44,773 - What the fuck do I know about lawyers? - Did you think to apologise? 139 00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:47,484 I mean, you can really switch the charm on when you want to. 140 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:51,655 I don't have a switch. The switch is gone. I can't find the switch. 141 00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:55,075 Can you just... 142 00:08:56,994 --> 00:09:01,581 apologise to Becca for me and tell her that I'll make it up to her? 143 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,875 You know how you can make it up to her? 144 00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:09,673 You can get your head out of your fucking ass and get your shit together. 145 00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:13,343 Hank, you're slipping, you know? You're really fucking slipping. 146 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,470 I mean, whatever happens between us, 147 00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:18,139 you have always managed to be a decent father. 148 00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:21,226 If you let that go, you're fucked. 149 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:24,396 You're totally fucked for ever. 150 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:28,024 No, no, no, no, no. This is your shit. 151 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,151 I'm gone. 152 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:33,029 You figure it out. 153 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,543 - ¡Hola! - ¡Hola! 154 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,462 OK. 155 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,508 Please, you wait? 156 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,677 You got it. 157 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,514 Hey, listen. Your boss - 158 00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:02,517 how hairy... are we talking here? 159 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,269 Pardon? 160 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,646 It's just that I have to get back to the Westside, 161 00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:09,357 and I want to kinda wrap it up before rush hour. 162 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,568 So how hairy is the missus? 163 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,404 Missy? Hairy? 164 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,906 I no understand, but you no worry. I put perfect. 165 00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:20,493 Irma, thank you very much. I will take over from here, 166 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,370 and you always put perfect. 167 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:24,873 Gracias, señor. 168 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,876 Marcy, we meet again at last. 169 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:30,920 Stu. You made the appointment with me? 170 00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:34,758 No, no, Irma booked the appointment on my behalf. 171 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,510 So you want the full Kardashian? 172 00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,763 No, no. God, no. 173 00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,973 I would rather explode. 174 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:44,059 No, when Irma called Hot Lips, 175 00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:47,228 they said that's what it would take for you to make a house call. 176 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:49,064 You gotta be fucking kidding me. 177 00:10:49,106 --> 00:10:52,233 Listen, I called, I texted. And in return, zilch. 178 00:10:52,276 --> 00:10:54,152 So I had to get a little creative. 179 00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:58,073 - Unbelievable. - Baby, I'm a producer, so I produce. 180 00:10:58,115 --> 00:11:02,202 - What can I say? - Well, you could say sorry, asshole. 181 00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:04,871 I cancelled a whole afternoon's worth of appointments. 182 00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,290 Do you know how much this little stunt is gonna cost me? 183 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,960 Wait, wait, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... 184 00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,755 It's just that I wanted to see you... 185 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:16,299 so much. 186 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:18,468 I'll be glad to pay you for your time. 187 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:21,763 I mean, if you would just stay here and hang out for a while. 188 00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:25,183 I stay, I wax. Take it or leave it. 189 00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:32,273 All right, then. 190 00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:34,484 The full Kardashian it is. 191 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,614 - Sasha dropped out. - I know. 192 00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:42,200 - Abby too. - I know. 193 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:46,454 - I've brought shame upon my family. - I know. 194 00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:49,499 Yeah, that's it. It's decided, then. I'm going out tonight. 195 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,711 Like Zig, I'm jerking myself to Jesus. 196 00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:55,213 - Good knowing you, Runks. - Sounds like a plan. 197 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,674 But you might want to reconsider. 198 00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,592 Yeah, I don't think so. 199 00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:01,928 Guess who's back in the picture. 200 00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:06,975 Someone who can get this thing green-lit with one magic word. 201 00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:09,602 Come on, come on. 202 00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:12,147 - Barack Obama. - Eddie fuckin' Nero! 203 00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:14,023 What the fuck does that psycho want? 204 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,317 He says the script is keeping him up at nights. 205 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,320 He says he can't get the character out of his head. 206 00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:22,115 He wants to hang out with you. 207 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:27,078 He says he wants to try the role on for size before he commits, you know? 208 00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:32,125 Experience a night in the life of the infamous Hank Moody. 209 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:36,045 I don't think he'd enjoy watching me go all autoerotic on myself. 210 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:39,007 - Do you? - Maybe. Maybe not. 211 00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:41,092 Maybe you save that for another night. 212 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:44,929 Maybe, yeah. It'd be kinda rude to do to Housekeeping, don't you think? 213 00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:48,975 Totally rude. You'd have to leave a pretty big tip to make up for something like that. 214 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:50,852 Totally. 215 00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:56,191 - You're coming with, right? - I don't think Eddie likes me very much. 216 00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:59,194 I don't think he does either, but you're coming with, right? 217 00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:01,279 Yeah! Sounds like a party. 218 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:04,866 That chemically imbalanced freak better stay the fuck away from my balls. 219 00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:12,123 Wait, how did you go from waiter to producer? 220 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:15,668 Robert Evans was a regular, and always sat in my section. 221 00:13:15,711 --> 00:13:19,422 One day he asked me to be his assistant on Urban Cowboy and... 222 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,051 Get out! You worked on that movie? 223 00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:27,847 Oh, my God! That is one of my top ten guilty pleasure flicks of all time. 224 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:31,309 - I fucking love that shit, Stu! - Really? 225 00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:33,228 Yeah, you don't say. 226 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:36,731 OK, look... 227 00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:40,235 you don't have to go through the whole full-body meshugas. 228 00:13:40,277 --> 00:13:43,780 - Mercy, Marcy. - OK, one more. Tighten up. 229 00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:47,283 There you go. 230 00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:50,954 - Wow, Urban Cowboy. - Oh! Yeah. 231 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:54,707 God! I haven't seen that in, what, decades? 232 00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:56,835 I gotta Netflix that shit. 233 00:13:56,877 --> 00:13:59,921 Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, you're in luck. 234 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:03,842 See, I happen to have a digitally-restored 35mm print right here. 235 00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:07,345 I mean, we could go watch it in my screening room right now. 236 00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:11,391 God, I would love to, but I gotta get back. Maybe some other time. 237 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:15,728 No, there'll be no other time, I'm donating my entire film collection to USC - 238 00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:18,231 every picture I ever worked on - next week. 239 00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:21,025 - Why are you doing that? - Well... 240 00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,820 It's not like I have a family I can pass it down to. 241 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,489 And, I don't know, I guess maybe it's... 242 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,616 my attempt to leave some kind of legacy. 243 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,452 You never got married, Stu? 244 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:34,873 No, I did. 245 00:14:34,915 --> 00:14:38,084 Three times. You know, work... 246 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,546 work is a cruel mistress. 247 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:45,425 And, I mean, she took and she took and she gave nothing back. 248 00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:48,177 You call this nothing? 249 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,346 Well... 250 00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,515 without a wife and family to share this with, 251 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:55,810 what's any of this for? 252 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:06,154 Let's get this over with. Where is that fucking billy goat? 253 00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,910 I fucking missed you, Moody. 254 00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:16,539 You too, Goldilocks. Let's do some drinking. 255 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,499 Let's talk some story. 256 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:23,296 - Does she have to be 16? - What are you talking about? 257 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:27,258 I don't know, is there any value in her being 18 or 19, even? 258 00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:29,636 But that's not illegal. 259 00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:32,472 But I'm trying to make the character a little more likeable, 260 00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:35,516 cos on the page he's an asshole. 261 00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:38,686 You understand that you are kind of talking about me right now? 262 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:41,648 OK, could she be younger, like 10 or 11? 263 00:15:42,691 --> 00:15:44,317 That's disgusting. 264 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:48,071 Paedophiles aren't very likeable either... Eddie. 265 00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:51,157 It's a fine line, isn't it? Look, I'm not a prude, OK? 266 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:54,035 Not by any stretch. I think you know that about me. 267 00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:58,539 I'm just trying to build the most three-dimensional character I can. 268 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,710 I need to see you fuck. 269 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:06,172 - What? What? - I need to watch you make love to a woman. 270 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,841 - No. - What you say, how you touch her, 271 00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:12,428 how you move your hips, how you thrust. 272 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,389 I need to know these things. 273 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,934 Agent, get us some whores. 274 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,603 I think I see a couple over by the bar. I'll be right back. 275 00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:22,397 No, you stay right there. 276 00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:25,858 That's it. I'm out. I quit this time. It's over. 277 00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:29,696 Wait a minute, wait. Just sit down for a minute here, broseph. 278 00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:32,281 Are you an artist... or a pretender? 279 00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:33,658 Neither. 280 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,285 I'm a writer. I think, I type, I drink. 281 00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:38,287 Lather, rinse, repeat, not always in that order. 282 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:41,374 As far as I'm concerned, Art's just another guy from Brooklyn. 283 00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:45,712 I used to be a pretender. Now... I'm an artist. 284 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,922 Do you get a certificate with that or something? 285 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:51,592 Yeah. It's called the motherfucking Academy Award. 286 00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:55,054 And I won mine for a Michael Mann movie called John. 287 00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:58,057 Great fucking movie. 288 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,102 I have sutures in my scrotum. 289 00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:07,066 I played John... the gay hit man. 290 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,694 HIV plus. 291 00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,739 - You know how I prepared for that? - No. 292 00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:16,075 I took a man in my mouth. That's right. 293 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,202 I played his skin flute like Kenny G, 294 00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:20,580 like Kenny G on ecstasy. 295 00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:22,623 I engineered his orgasm. 296 00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:25,418 My hands... 297 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:28,087 my mouth... my tongue. 298 00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:36,345 And then he gave me his gift. Gave it to me on the inside. 299 00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,765 And that's the day I graduated. 300 00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:42,518 That's the day I stopped pretending and started being, 301 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,271 because until you've savoured both sexes, 302 00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:48,483 until you know how to make both of them come like baby gorillas, 303 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:50,985 you do not know shit from Shinola. 304 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:55,656 I agree. 305 00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,659 I know you do, friend. 306 00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:01,287 I can smell it on you. 307 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:03,414 The ambivalence. 308 00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:22,892 I think we should kill someone tonight. 309 00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:29,148 I mean, like a hobo or something. 310 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,234 Thank God. 311 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:37,824 Yes? Hey, sweetie. 312 00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:40,159 Anything to get me out of where I am right now. 313 00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:41,869 You sit tight. I'll be right over. 314 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:44,705 That's my kid. I gotta jet. Nice talking to you, cocksucker. 315 00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:48,251 Hey, I completely understand. That's what being a parent's all about. 316 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,128 When my nanny calls with a problem, 317 00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:54,465 my assistant takes that call, no matter what. I'll go with you. 318 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:55,591 - Come on! - No. 319 00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:57,426 Let's go! Dark and deep! 320 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:08,020 - So I'm thinking Japanese... - Say it ain't so, Short Round. 321 00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:11,691 Hey, she's 100 bucks short. I didn't want to call the cops. 322 00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,568 Appreciate it. Let me see. 323 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:19,574 - I'm not paying for that, sweetie. - I thought you said he'd be cool with this. 324 00:19:19,616 --> 00:19:22,285 I thought he would. I need the money, Dad. 325 00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,120 - Yeah? Get a job. - OK, 326 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:27,248 - guess I'm calling the fucking cops. - Nobody's calling the fucking cops! 327 00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,041 - What the fuck are you doing? - Oh, yeah, 328 00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:31,460 I knew it was gonna get dark tonight. 329 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,754 Yeah, sometimes you can just feel it. 330 00:19:33,797 --> 00:19:37,341 Here's what we're gonna do - we're gonna back up slowly and get the fuck out. 331 00:19:37,384 --> 00:19:40,052 I got your back, rapist. You can't afford any more trouble with the police. 332 00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:42,054 Hey, isn't that Eddie Nero? 333 00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:46,058 - Holy shit, that's Eddie Nero. - Holy shit, you're right. 334 00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:48,436 - You guys fans? - It is Eddie Nero. 335 00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:52,815 - God damn it! - Hank! The movie! 336 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:55,484 - Agent, pay him, please. - You fucked up my face! 337 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:58,154 - You fucked up the moneymaker. - OK. 338 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,407 - Queens Of Dogtown... - Here we go. Should be a hundred there. 339 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:04,202 While we're here, I'd like to get your professional opinion. 340 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:06,829 - Could you do something cool with this? - No, whoa! 341 00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:09,373 - Get this fucking guy out of my shop. - What? What? 342 00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,709 OK, I'm going, I'm going. 343 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,920 - I'm Karen. - Abby. Nice to meet you. 344 00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:17,798 - Please, have a seat. - Thank you so much for seeing me. 345 00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:20,009 My pleasure. 346 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:23,971 To be perfectly clear, I am no longer representing Mr Moody. 347 00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:27,475 - I know. - That's why I'm here. 348 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,479 I want to try to convince you to give him a second chance. 349 00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:33,648 - Why? - Because... 350 00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:37,318 I've given him too many already, and it's someone else's turn. 351 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,155 He is an absolute mess, Karen. 352 00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:45,117 I know. Believe me, I have 16 years' experience in the field. 353 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,495 To be honest, I've never seen anything like it. 354 00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:51,165 I don't think I can help him. I don't think he even wants to be helped. 355 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:55,044 - I think he wants to be punished. - You're right. You're absolutely right. 356 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:58,005 You're smart. That's why he needs you. 357 00:20:58,048 --> 00:21:00,591 I don't mean to be rude, but I have to ask. 358 00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:04,762 How in the hell did you put up with this for as long as you did? 359 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:07,098 That's a good question, a very good question. 360 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,892 I don't even know if I have an answer. 361 00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:16,649 I think the world sees Hank as this fabulous fuck-up. 362 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:19,485 And I know that guy. 363 00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:22,154 I've spent a lot of time with that guy... 364 00:21:22,197 --> 00:21:25,324 but I am better acquainted with the other guy... 365 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:30,997 the one that listens and hears everything. 366 00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:35,167 The one that looks at you and sees right into your soul. 367 00:21:35,210 --> 00:21:38,129 The one that makes you believe in every fucking... 368 00:21:38,171 --> 00:21:41,090 fairy tale that you've ever been told. 369 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,843 Ultimately, I may not even be the woman 370 00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:46,846 who gets to enjoy the man that I know he can be, 371 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:49,015 but I still want the best for him, 372 00:21:49,057 --> 00:21:52,018 because I want the best for my daughter. 373 00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:57,273 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lay all this on you. 374 00:21:57,316 --> 00:22:00,609 It's OK. I appreciate your candour, I do. 375 00:22:02,237 --> 00:22:05,906 - Nice to meet you. - Yeah, nice to meet you. 376 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:13,914 So I'm the guy you call when you think your mother's gonna have a shit fit? 377 00:22:13,957 --> 00:22:15,875 Otherwise you don't want anything to do with me? 378 00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:19,128 I just thought you'd understand. 379 00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:22,173 - You have tattoos. Mom has tattoos. - That's not the point. 380 00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:24,050 What is the point, then? 381 00:22:24,092 --> 00:22:26,427 These are my friends. They wanted me to do it. 382 00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:30,556 Yeah? And if your friends wanted you to do drugs, would you do that? 383 00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:33,601 Of course I would. Wouldn't you? 384 00:22:34,811 --> 00:22:39,398 A little bit of hypocrisy is fine, Dad, but I'm the normal one here. 385 00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:42,735 I'm supposed to be out getting fucked up with my friends. 386 00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:45,738 You're supposed to be home watching TV with Mom. 387 00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:48,366 Instead, you're out there fucking teenagers 388 00:22:48,408 --> 00:22:52,119 and prancing around like a poor man's Bukowski. 389 00:22:52,162 --> 00:22:54,246 I'm sorry I called you. 390 00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:58,459 Hey, hey. 391 00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:02,505 Take it easy on your old man, OK? He's as cool as they come. 392 00:23:02,547 --> 00:23:04,423 - Really? - Yeah, 393 00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:06,926 that's why I'm gonna play him in a movie. 394 00:23:06,968 --> 00:23:09,345 - Really? - You already said that. 395 00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,098 You know who should play you? 396 00:23:12,140 --> 00:23:15,476 K-Stew. I should give her a call. 397 00:23:21,817 --> 00:23:23,776 - I should fucking hit you. - Take a shot. 398 00:23:23,819 --> 00:23:25,611 I'll hit you right back, you fucking nutter. 399 00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:28,030 I said "I should." I didn't say I was gonna. 400 00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:31,492 - But I am gonna do your movie. - Why? 401 00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:34,161 Because now I know what it's about. 402 00:23:34,204 --> 00:23:37,456 And it sure the fuck isn't about warm, wet pussy. 403 00:23:37,499 --> 00:23:41,460 It's about a guy trying to keep it together while falling apart. 404 00:23:41,503 --> 00:23:43,337 It's about life, love, sex... 405 00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:47,216 and the ever-lurking presence of the grim fucking reaper. 406 00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:49,135 It's about men... 407 00:23:49,177 --> 00:23:51,846 husbands, wives... 408 00:23:51,888 --> 00:23:53,973 daughters and fathers. 409 00:23:54,015 --> 00:24:00,146 It's Cassavetes meets Judy Blume! It's about the motherfucking dark side! 410 00:24:00,188 --> 00:24:03,941 - You and the motherfucking dark side. - Come here. 411 00:24:03,984 --> 00:24:06,610 Come on. 412 00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,113 Come here, pussy fart. 413 00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:13,117 Get in on this. 414 00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:26,464 Yeah, hell. Some gotta win, and some gotta lose there, yep. 415 00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:29,383 If the bull don't kill him, the clowns will. 416 00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:36,765 What's all this, then, Stu? 417 00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:39,059 I'm making my move. 418 00:24:39,978 --> 00:24:42,021 - Seriously? - This is it. 419 00:24:42,063 --> 00:24:46,358 That's your move? The old "fake yawn, surreptitious grope" combo? 420 00:24:46,401 --> 00:24:49,236 - It's a classic. - It's a clam, Stu. 421 00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:53,365 Next thing I know, you'll be sticking your dick through the bottom of that tub of popcorn, 422 00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:56,285 - Diner-style. - Would that have worked? 423 00:24:56,328 --> 00:24:59,497 Wouldn't you like to know, Stu? 424 00:24:59,539 --> 00:25:02,249 Actually, I would. 425 00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:04,752 I have to be honest with you, Marcy. 426 00:25:04,794 --> 00:25:08,255 I suck with women. Ask my first three wives. 427 00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:13,052 But... I like you... 428 00:25:13,094 --> 00:25:16,472 and thanks for hanging out. 429 00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:19,099 And it's been a wonderful day. 430 00:25:19,142 --> 00:25:21,060 Sweet. 431 00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:23,604 Oh, OK. 432 00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:42,164 - You're mean. - Why do you say that? 433 00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:46,377 You fire me in the morning, then strut your stuff in my neck of the woods in the evening. 434 00:25:46,419 --> 00:25:48,462 Cruel and unusual, counsellor. 435 00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:52,258 - Life goes on, Hank. - So it does. 436 00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:54,593 - I'm sorry, by the way. - For what? 437 00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:57,221 I know I can be a world-class stone in your shoe. 438 00:25:57,264 --> 00:25:59,974 I make life pretty fucking impossible for those around me. 439 00:26:00,016 --> 00:26:02,893 It's an issue. I'm working on it. Whatever. 440 00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:05,020 Tomorrow's another day. 441 00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:08,274 Have fun on your... date. 442 00:26:08,316 --> 00:26:11,318 Who says I'm on a date? 443 00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:13,779 Maybe I came here to see you. 444 00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:15,823 Really? Why? 445 00:26:15,865 --> 00:26:19,952 Maybe I was... a little rash this morning. 446 00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:23,664 I get it. I bring it out in people. Rashes and whatnot. 447 00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:25,624 Are you saying 448 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:29,003 - what I think you're saying? - Depends what you think I'm saying. 449 00:26:30,213 --> 00:26:33,549 - That you're my lawyer again. - Maybe. 450 00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:37,469 - Tomorrow's another day. - Tomorrow? 451 00:26:37,512 --> 00:26:40,973 Yeah, there's not a lot of legal work I can do for you tonight. 452 00:26:43,727 --> 00:26:46,520 Right, so... so, technically, 453 00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:48,814 you're not my lawyer right now? 454 00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:52,484 Technically... no, I'm not. 455 00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:54,903 Right now I'm just a girl in a bar. 456 00:26:59,784 --> 00:27:03,162 That's funny, cos right now I'm just a guy in a bar. 457 00:27:03,204 --> 00:27:05,581 That is funny. 458 00:27:05,624 --> 00:27:08,042 Well, it's nice to meet you. 459 00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:10,002 Hank Moody. 460 00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:11,629 - Abby. - Abby? 461 00:27:11,671 --> 00:27:14,632 Abby. Well, nice to meet you.