1
00:00:27,794 --> 00:00:29,630
Thank you, everybody.
2
00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:34,668
Thank you very much.
3
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:39,473
Hell yeah.
4
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,343
My friend got pregnant off a Tinder date.
5
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,080
Right? Yes. That's what I'm talking about.
6
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,616
Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date?
7
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:52,653
That's the future, everybody.
8
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:56,590
Remember when you were little,
you thought about the future?
9
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:57,777
What it was gonna look like.
10
00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:00,294
You were wrong.
11
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,763
We were all wrong.
12
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:05,499
I thought it was gonna
look like Star Trek.
13
00:01:06,266 --> 00:01:08,335
Not the space travel,
but everything else.
14
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:12,239
Everything would be clean,
all the people would be smart and classy.
15
00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:14,274
Nope.
16
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:18,812
You know why? I figured it out.
White trash goes to the future, too.
17
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:22,449
And they're getting pregnant
off phone apps.
18
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,655
Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date?
19
00:01:30,157 --> 00:01:33,193
Also, who gets pregnant at all,
by the way?
20
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,862
Enough, you guys. Enough. It's unoriginal.
21
00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:40,734
Children are garbage.
22
00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:47,174
If you have a kid, obviously,
obviously, I mean your kid, too.
23
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,576
They're all garbage.
You know it. You know they are.
24
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:52,145
You've seen them at their worst.
You know they are.
25
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,181
Ever see a kid run around,
26
00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:56,416
and then be out of breath,
and then try to drink water?
27
00:01:57,884 --> 00:01:59,486
They have no idea how to do it.
28
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,489
Watch them next time.
Watch them fail completely.
29
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:03,824
They come in like:
30
00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,267
It's like, "Dude, you're 15, bro.
31
00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:18,505
Fuck is wrong with you?
You breathe in through the nose, idiot."
32
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,342
And they're bipolar,
they scream over nothing.
33
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:25,812
I was on a plane to Tampa, Florida
like a month ago.
34
00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,215
And, uh, I was gonna
sleep the whole way, right?
35
00:02:28,281 --> 00:02:31,418
Then a fucking 2-year-old sat right
in front of me. "Motherfucker."
36
00:02:32,285 --> 00:02:33,487
Nobody's happy about that.
37
00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:36,593
Nobody, when you see a 2-year-old is like,
"Yeah." It's always, "Goddamn it."
38
00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:41,328
Yeah, it's gonna ruin my trip.
Not this kid. Not this kid.
39
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:44,898
He was an angel, a little fucking angel.
Slept the whole way. Couldn't believe it.
40
00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:47,834
And then we landed.
The mom woke him up, you know.
41
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,803
"Casper. Casper." That was his name.
42
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,572
White kid. Obviously, a white kid.
43
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,643
Clearly, it's a white kid.
"Casper, honey, wake up."
44
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,878
Then Casper gets up and goes:
45
00:02:58,545 --> 00:03:01,648
"Ah! Ah! No! I don't want to!
I don't want to go!"
46
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,421
It's like, "Dude, Casper, we're here.
It's a good thing.
47
00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:09,689
Do you hate Tampa?"
48
00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:17,964
I'm ten minutes away from
getting a vasectomy. I swear to God.
49
00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:19,633
I think about it all the time.
50
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,668
If they were easier to get,
I'd have gotten one.
51
00:03:22,269 --> 00:03:24,838
If they had vasectomies at 7-Eleven,
I'd have gotten, like, five.
52
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,609
My friends don't want me to.
"Don't get a vasectomy.
53
00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:31,912
You crazy? What if
you want to have kids someday?"
54
00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:34,314
And I'm like, "What day?"
55
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:39,219
When is this day coming?
I've hated children since I was 5.
56
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,689
Whatever, if I get a vasectomy,
and I change my mind,
57
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:45,292
and I want to have kids,
I can just adopt a kid.
58
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,794
I don't see why nobody thinks
that's an option.
59
00:03:48,428 --> 00:03:51,298
What's wrong with adoption?
Why build a new team for the draft
60
00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:54,234
when there's quality free agents
waiting to get picked up?
61
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,572
You know?
62
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,541
I know some people
are super against adoption.
63
00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:03,877
Know somebody like that?
"No fucking way. No way."
64
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:07,314
My one buddy is like that.
"Any kid for me must come from my genes.
65
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:10,016
A hundred percent, no matter what,
must come from my genes."
66
00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:13,420
I'm like, "What are you, a king?
What are you talking about?"
67
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,289
This ain't Game of Thrones, idiot.
Just care for something.
68
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:20,260
Plus, hold on. Your genes?
Your father abandoned your family.
69
00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:23,463
You dropped out of college.
And you're short, and you're bald.
70
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,800
You have horrible genes.
71
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:31,037
If you care about genes so much,
end the bloodline right now.
72
00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:34,608
You ain't a doctor. You won't be missed.
73
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:39,613
Nothing wrong with adoption.
With adoption,
74
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:41,047
you can shop before you buy.
75
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:45,385
That's just smart, no? Huh?
76
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:52,759
Let's say I had a biological kid.
You had a biological kid.
77
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:57,731
And let's say for argument's sake that
he came out with big fucking buck teeth.
78
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:02,736
Like two times the size of regular...
Like Bugs Bunny ass giant buck teeth.
79
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,771
You know, that's not a deal breaker.
80
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,145
Nobody in the world is gonna be like,
"I don't want to do this anymore."
81
00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:12,412
You'd have to be a monster.
At the same time, nobody dreams about it.
82
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,791
Nobody's like,
"When I have a kid, I'll teach him
83
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,384
how to eat pizza from the ground up
to get around those."
84
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:20,787
If there's a high wind, I've got to hold
his shoulder or he'll fly away.
85
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,866
Family pictures you're like, "Smile with
your mouth closed. We talked about this.
86
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:27,460
Fucking buck-tooth motherfucker.
Ruining my goddamn dreams."
87
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:32,732
You don't got to worry about it
with an adopted kid.
88
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:37,337
With an adopted kid, you just go
into the human pound, you know.
89
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:42,375
You look around. All the kids come
to the front of their cages, I guess.
90
00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:45,979
Pick me. Pick me. Please.
91
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,517
Please, please, please.
92
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:53,753
Please, please, please.
93
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:56,022
You're like,
"Kids, you're too needy.
94
00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:58,491
Let me come to you."
95
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,828
And you see one shy kid
way in the back, you know.
96
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,097
You look up, he looks up at you.
"That might be him.
97
00:06:04,764 --> 00:06:05,932
That might be my boy."
98
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:09,936
And you go over there all nervous.
"Hey, buddy.
99
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:11,738
What's your name?"
100
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,807
And he's like, "Peter."
101
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:17,143
"Hey, Peter. I'm Ari."
102
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,078
"So?"
103
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,851
"You want to go home today?"
"I don't know, maybe. What the fuck?"
104
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:31,992
"I think I like you.
105
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,894
I think you're gonna be my son."
106
00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:38,040
He's like, "Yeah, that'd be cool."
107
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,133
"All right. Are you happy about that?"
"Yeah. Yeah."
108
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:44,004
"Like, can you show me that
you're happy?" "What do you want?"
109
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:46,906
"I don't know, smile or something."
110
00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:48,708
"I don't want to."
111
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:52,479
"Why? It feels good to smile.
Everyone likes to smile.
112
00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:54,414
It works out more muscles in your mouth."
113
00:06:55,181 --> 00:06:56,449
And he's like, "Okay."
114
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,754
"No! Fucking buck teeth.
115
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:04,791
Nice try, motherfucker.
You ain't ever getting out of here."
116
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,869
Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date.
117
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:20,974
She was in between
two different kinds of birth control.
118
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,177
So, they used a condom
but the condom broke.
119
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:26,947
And they got the morning after pill
the next day.
120
00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:30,650
The Plan B pill, and it didn't take.
It doesn't always work. I know.
121
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,820
Yeah, when you hear that out loud,
you realize, like,
122
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,922
she's definitely...
123
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,490
a liar.
124
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,060
There's no way. There's no way.
125
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,206
Any one of those things
should have killed that baby.
126
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,898
There's no way all four didn't do it.
127
00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:49,002
Is that sperm breaking tackles
like he's Emmitt Smith in his prime?
128
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:51,604
Nobody believes that.
129
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,873
And who's breaking condoms, by the way?
130
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:56,943
If you're breaking condoms,
you're fucking wrong.
131
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,814
You're not 17 anymore. How are you...?
Are you just like:
132
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,886
"Fuck. I broke another one."
"I know. Slow down."
133
00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:10,256
Why are you drilling?
There's no oil down there, bro.
134
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:13,593
Fucking kiss once in a while
or something.
135
00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:17,263
They're not supposed to break.
136
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:20,934
One time when I was little,
I was 7, 8 years old,
137
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:23,970
uh, I found a condom, unused.
138
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,105
And, uh...
139
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,608
I didn't know what to do with it,
a 7-year-old.
140
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,610
I was still ten years away
from using condoms.
141
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:34,881
And, like, 15 years away
from no longer using condoms.
142
00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:37,183
Condoms suck. Condoms suck.
143
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,652
You girls have no idea
how shitty they are.
144
00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:42,622
Female privilege.
Never worn a condom.
145
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,991
That's female privilege.
Nobody ever talks about that.
146
00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:49,696
Here's what condoms feel like,
so you know.
147
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:53,099
A condom feels like you're getting
a massage while wearing a winter coat.
148
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,174
Where you're like,
"I get what you're going for.
149
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,909
It doesn't feel unpleasant,
150
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:06,813
but some skin to skin contact
would help this a long way."
151
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:13,219
I found this condom. I didn't know what
to do with it, 7-year-old, 8-year-old.
152
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,989
What are you gonna do?
I made a water balloon out of it.
153
00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:19,859
That's what kids do.
I made it big, too. I made it that big.
154
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:23,663
I tested the strength of this condom.
It was shaking when I wasn't touching it.
155
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,031
That's how fucking full it was.
156
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,133
It was shaped like this:
157
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:33,807
It was sitting on my porch with
the molecules almost breaking through.
158
00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:36,109
"What am I gonna do with it?
It's my masterpiece."
159
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,370
At the time, it was the best thing
I'd ever done in my life.
160
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,882
"What am I gonna do?"
I saw my buddy coming around the corner.
161
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:44,951
I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna
bean this motherfucker."
162
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,399
That's what this condom water balloon
was put on the Earth for.
163
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:50,957
To soak my buddy Aaron.
I picked it up, right?
164
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:53,026
He didn't see me.
He came around the corner.
165
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,061
I just hucked it at him
as hard as I could.
166
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:58,164
It just bounced off of him, fell down.
Bounced away. Didn't even break.
167
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:01,479
How are you breaking it with love thrusts?
168
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,237
You're fucking wrong.
169
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,640
That's how you got pregnant
off a Tinder date.
170
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:10,677
I don't know, man. You got kids?
171
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,812
You don't? What'd you do, pull out?
172
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,187
Most effective method of birth control,
right there.
173
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,719
It's not a condom,
100 percent effective, pulling out.
174
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:22,956
Yeah, people don't believe me.
175
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:28,261
Pulling out is 100 percent effective.
It has never failed in 5000 years.
176
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:31,064
A hundred percent. You know what's
less effective than pulling out?
177
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,298
Barely pulling out.
178
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,202
That is considerably less effective.
179
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:39,443
If you pull out, and the first look
on your face is like:
180
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:46,646
Don't besmirch the good name
of pulling out
181
00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:48,414
with shitty barely pulling out methods.
182
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,785
You should have to at least touch
your dick for a second before you cum.
183
00:10:52,852 --> 00:10:54,888
You shouldn't pull out and go,
"Blah. There it is."
184
00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:56,434
You should have to
do something to it.
185
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:02,295
Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date.
186
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,265
How do you explain that?
187
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,767
How will she explain that to her kid
when he's old enough?
188
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,670
When he's like,
"Mommy, where did I come from?"
189
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:12,105
What's she gonna say?
190
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:15,108
She'll be like, "Well, Tinderthy...
191
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:21,080
one day,
Mommy went to the App Store.
192
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,918
And then spent all afternoon just going:
193
00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:28,121
'No, no, no. Good enough.'
194
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,756
And that's the story of you."
195
00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:37,397
I wouldn't have a problem with kids
196
00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:39,432
if parents didn't bring them
around too much.
197
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:40,867
That's my biggest issue.
198
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,269
I shouldn't see them all the time,
you know?
199
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,306
Most parents are cool about it,
but some just are not.
200
00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:50,009
I went to Bonnaroo this year.
You guys ever go to Bonnaroo?
201
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,811
Yeah. It's great, right?
202
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:55,114
A giant music festival in Tennessee.
Four days of camping and music.
203
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:56,916
So much fun. So much fun.
204
00:11:56,983 --> 00:12:00,019
But sometimes parents are there now,
and they bring their fucking kids.
205
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,856
There are 3- and 4-year-old children
running around Bonnaroo.
206
00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:07,827
And I want to be like,
"Hey. We're doing drugs.
207
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:12,031
Okay?
208
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,767
And on acid, your child is frightening.
209
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:19,839
He's looking into my soul,
and I don't care for what he sees.
210
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,409
He is a demon, and I will kill it.
211
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:27,213
I will kill the demon to protect
everyone else in this music festival.
212
00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:31,150
Yes, Kendrick, everything is gonna
be all right. I'm gonna kill that demon."
213
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:36,055
There are places you don't
bring your kid, a nice restaurant.
214
00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:38,925
You ever go to a nice restaurant?
Save up 80 bucks per meal.
215
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,127
Go on a nice date.
Wear a button down shirt.
216
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,762
Try to get laid. Earn it.
217
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:47,900
You know, go on Yelp, three cash signs.
Tonight's the night.
218
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,972
Find the right place.
Places where as soon as you sit down,
219
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,974
they put your napkin on your lap for you.
220
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,777
Those places where you're like,
"That's slave shit.
221
00:12:57,844 --> 00:13:00,146
Why are you doing that?
There's no reason for that."
222
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:01,514
I've never seen a Yelp review,
223
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,117
"I sat there like a schmuck,
my napkin on my table,
224
00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:06,052
like an asshole for like 40 minutes."
225
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:11,991
But it's nice. It's date night.
You'll take it. It's a good atmosphere.
226
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,994
And you sit down all happy,
you find the right place.
227
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:16,562
Two tables over, you just hear:
228
00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,365
"No! I don't want to!
I don't want to!"
229
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:22,201
Some fucking little kid.
230
00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:24,237
Some little baby sitting there
231
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:26,439
in one of those handicapped chairs
they sit in.
232
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,447
Highchair, whatever you call it.
I don't care what you call it.
233
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,950
We don't sit in those.
We're not handicapped like that.
234
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:41,587
I'm like, "Why is he here?
For 80 bucks a meal? What a waste.
235
00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:43,823
He's not even making memories."
236
00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:47,093
Plus, his palate's not refined enough.
237
00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:51,397
He doesn't understand the nuance
of this chef-inspired masterpiece.
238
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,500
He'd be happier...
I guarantee you, he'd be happier
239
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:57,437
with a banana I smushed with my foot.
240
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:03,843
He could see me do it,
and he would just go:
241
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:05,111
Ah.
242
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:08,347
He'd go, "Babana?"
I'm like, "That's right, buddy. Babana."
243
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:12,118
He'd rub a bunch of it in his face,
and get a bit in his mouth.
244
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,453
And be cute as fuck.
245
00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:20,026
Kids are cute. They're cute.
I'll give you that, if you have kids.
246
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:23,396
You got kids? You look like you do.
You don't have kids? How old are you?
247
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:25,965
- Thirty.
- Whoa, you look horrible for 30.
248
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,870
I thought you were like 57, man.
That's crazy.
249
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:33,473
It's the gray hair on the sides. Damn.
250
00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:41,147
They're cute sometimes, kids.
And then they're instantly not cute.
251
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:44,384
Ever see them run around playing,
having a good time, then shit their pants.
252
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,618
They just shit themselves.
253
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:49,122
Everyone has to act like that's normal.
It's not. The smell is of shit.
254
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,258
I don't care how young they are,
that shit smell is still a shit smell.
255
00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:56,662
The problem is when they shit themselves,
they have no gravity to them.
256
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:59,399
They don't like feel it at all.
They're like:
257
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:08,608
It's like... Right?
It's gonna come out of your pants, man.
258
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,681
Don't get me wrong. I shit myself.
I drink. Obviously, I shit myself.
259
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,152
But I do it every two years, you know.
260
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:22,922
And when I do it,
it registers as having shit myself.
261
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,625
I don't just keep going.
I tell my friends:
262
00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:29,295
"I think I left the oven on or something.
I've got to go check that out.
263
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,265
Sorry, you guys.
I don't mean to cancel our plans."
264
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,673
I shit myself this year, to be honest.
265
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:44,677
Yeah. When I say every two years,
I mean a maximum of two years goes by.
266
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,045
I don't mean an average.
267
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:48,514
I mean the most
that has ever gone by is two years.
268
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:52,618
Yeah, it was in April.
For sure, I know when it was.
269
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:56,622
'Cause I was on a flight.
I was going to Australia. I shit...
270
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,691
Yeah, is there a good time
to shit yourself?
271
00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:02,462
Are you ever like, "Wish I could shit
myself and get it out of the way."
272
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,634
Yeah, it was a 13-hour-long flight.
I was six hours into it,
273
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,570
and, uh, I went to pee.
274
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,973
You ever pee and then fart a little?
That's normal. Everybody does that.
275
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:15,408
Do girls do that?
276
00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:17,043
No? Oh...
277
00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:19,245
You're missing out. You've got to do that.
278
00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:22,582
With girls,
it's even better because you clog it up.
279
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,684
So, like, it would make like
that tuba sound.
280
00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,353
You could like move your leg and...
281
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:31,190
Kind of like Miles Davis with the
with the cup, you know, and the tuba.
282
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:33,425
You'd be like...
283
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:36,028
You know?
284
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:41,133
So, I was doing that,
I was peeing and farting.
285
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,069
Then all of a sudden I was like,
"Whoop. Oop."
286
00:16:52,378 --> 00:16:55,047
But I was like,
"No, no, it was just a bubble."
287
00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:59,685
I didn't want to believe it.
And then I went back to my seat.
288
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,363
I was sitting by the window,
so I had to make people get up.
289
00:17:01,387 --> 00:17:04,624
"Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.
Stand up. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me."
290
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:08,060
Then I sat down. As soon as I sat
down I was like, "Ahh. That's a problem."
291
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:13,399
The smush happened. Once the
smush happens, you can really feel it.
292
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:16,402
Yeah, I was like,
"Fuck. Get back up. Get back up.
293
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:19,438
We're not done. Get back up.
I thought I was done. I'm not done.
294
00:17:19,505 --> 00:17:22,542
Sorry. Get back up. Get back up."
I had to run to the bathroom.
295
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:27,280
Fucking streaker right down
the middle of my underwear.
296
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,549
Yeah.
297
00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:32,552
It was about that wide
and about that long.
298
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,322
It looked like a map
of the country of Chile.
299
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,093
Like a topographical map of Chile.
300
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,629
With the mountain ranges and everything.
301
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:47,700
I caught it.
It didn't soak through.
302
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:50,136
But the underwear,
the underwear could not be saved.
303
00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:55,107
I had to throw out my underwear
in the trash can of the airplane bathroom.
304
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:58,177
Yeah, I took care of it myself,
like a grownup.
305
00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,712
I handled the situation.
306
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,534
Maybe if I was in first class,
I could have been like:
307
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,518
"Hey, peasant.
Fucking deal with this for me."
308
00:18:07,386 --> 00:18:09,589
But not in coach.
You have to handle it yourself.
309
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:13,659
You know what it's like
to have to smush that underwear
310
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:16,529
into that little fucking hole
311
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,631
in the airplane bathroom trash can?
312
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:21,667
I was about to leave the bathroom.
Then I was like:
313
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:24,570
"Wait, hold on."
Right before I left, I took paper towels.
314
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:28,708
I put them on top of the underwear
in the trash, just to cover it up a bit.
315
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,110
I didn't want the next guy coming.
316
00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:33,379
I know what I would do.
If I threw something out,
317
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,716
and I saw soiled underwear
in the top level of the trash,
318
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,217
my first thought would be...
319
00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:40,252
"Who did I just pass?"
320
00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:46,792
I would spend the next seven hours
just going up and down the aisles,
321
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:49,362
just trying to, like, jog my memory.
322
00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:52,398
Until I'm like, "Ah, ha, ha! You did it.
323
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,600
I know. I know what you did."
324
00:18:58,337 --> 00:18:59,672
Yeah, you got to cover it up.
325
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:03,479
It's like if you kill a kid in the woods,
you've got to kick leaves on top of him.
326
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:09,248
Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date.
327
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:13,319
She told the guy, too.
She wasn't going to.
328
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:15,588
That was her plan.
She was gonna do it by herself.
329
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,891
She was like, "I barely know
his last name." Which seems fair.
330
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,394
Then she had a change of heart
after eight months.
331
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:23,863
Yeah, eight months and a week.
332
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,565
She goes, "Ari, he has a right to know."
333
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:29,568
And I'm like, "Yeah, a long time ago."
334
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:34,607
I feel like now he has the right
to never know.
335
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,577
So, she told him. She met him in a park.
336
00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:43,182
This is what she said, her official quote.
She said he got "kind of weird about it."
337
00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:45,618
Oh, yeah? Did he?
338
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,720
Did he get a little bit weird?
339
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,625
He got a little weird when he found out
he's gonna be a father next Tuesday?
340
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:57,596
He wasn't chillaxed at that news?
341
00:19:58,764 --> 00:20:01,734
How did you want him to handle it?
From the guy's point of view,
342
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:06,238
what a gigantic change from
what you expect out of that phone call...
343
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:09,608
to what you end up with
out of that meeting.
344
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:13,288
If I get a call from a woman
I haven't seen in months,
345
00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:15,715
my very first thought,
same as any guy in here,
346
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:19,452
our very first thought is like,
"Well, she wants that D.
347
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:23,756
I guess it's better than I thought it was.
348
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:26,625
I must have good dick.
349
00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:28,828
She must have been
thinking about it this whole time.
350
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:33,532
She probably can't concentrate
at church, or at work, around her friends.
351
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:36,602
She just keeps thinking about that dick,
that dick, that dick.
352
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,471
Yeah, it's addictive, man. I get it."
353
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:41,650
Her friends are like,
"Where'd you go? You disappeared."
354
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,442
"Yeah. Thinking about that D."
355
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,445
Eventually, couldn't take it anymore.
356
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:48,914
You know, she got weak.
357
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:52,318
She fell to the hunger.
358
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,556
She broke down. She called.
359
00:20:58,624 --> 00:20:59,624
And you know what?
360
00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:01,727
She's gonna get that D.
361
00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:08,400
That's my mindset,
if I walked into the park thinking that,
362
00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:11,003
I'm all happy, you know?
And then I saw that?
363
00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:13,873
I would do a quick check
of the seasons. I'd be...
364
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:16,976
No.
365
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,011
Fucking...
366
00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:21,680
Game over.
367
00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:25,017
How's that for not weird?
Enjoy picking up my brain matter.
368
00:21:28,554 --> 00:21:31,590
Some people should have kids.
I shit on kids too much, parenthood.
369
00:21:31,657 --> 00:21:33,777
Some people should have children.
Here's how you tell.
370
00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:36,428
I've come up with a way to tell
whether you should be a parent.
371
00:21:36,495 --> 00:21:39,799
The reaction of your friends when
you tell them you're gonna have a kid.
372
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,006
That's how you know
whether or not you should do it.
373
00:21:44,403 --> 00:21:47,473
You know? 'Cause there are
two polar opposite ways that can happen.
374
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:49,675
Say you're married,
on one side, you're married.
375
00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:52,912
You've been with a woman for a while.
You're doing better financially.
376
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:56,682
You discuss, want to have a kid. You try.
You get pregnant, tell your friends,
377
00:21:56,749 --> 00:21:58,617
"Samantha's pregnant."
Your friends are like:
378
00:21:58,684 --> 00:22:01,987
"Fuck yeah, man. Congratulations.
I'm so happy for you. That's so cool."
379
00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:03,923
That's one side.
380
00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:07,760
If that's you, go for it.
You've got my blessing.
381
00:22:08,427 --> 00:22:11,730
The other half of your friends,
they've been dating someone for a while.
382
00:22:12,431 --> 00:22:14,733
They tell their friends,
"Hey, Margaret's pregnant."
383
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,837
And everybody goes, "Fuck.
384
00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:20,105
Oh, no.
385
00:22:20,372 --> 00:22:21,640
What are you gonna do?
386
00:22:22,575 --> 00:22:24,076
Have you thought about killing her?
387
00:22:25,778 --> 00:22:29,381
Don't do it. I watch those cop shows.
DNA is too good now, man.
388
00:22:29,648 --> 00:22:33,118
One hair. One hair, they'll get you.
Hire somebody if you've got to do it."
389
00:22:36,555 --> 00:22:39,959
For those people, for the people
getting pregnant off Tinder dates,
390
00:22:41,060 --> 00:22:44,463
abortion is not just a right,
it's a responsibility.
391
00:22:49,602 --> 00:22:52,605
They don't always do it though.
My friend Luis Gomez is one of those.
392
00:22:52,905 --> 00:22:54,873
Comedian in New York.
Got his girlfriend pregnant.
393
00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:57,409
Dating for two months.
I was like, "What are you gonna do?"
394
00:22:57,476 --> 00:23:01,080
By the way, nobody asks
a married couple, "What are you gonna do?"
395
00:23:04,083 --> 00:23:06,852
That is never a question
posed to a married couple.
396
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:08,821
I was going, "What are you gonna do?"
397
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,657
He goes, "I don't know.
I've thought about running away.
398
00:23:13,626 --> 00:23:15,027
But I don't have money for gas,
399
00:23:15,094 --> 00:23:17,896
so I guess we're gonna move in together."
400
00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:21,500
Fuck. There's no in between on run away...
401
00:23:21,934 --> 00:23:23,535
or move in together?
402
00:23:23,836 --> 00:23:27,006
Seems like a giant unexplored territory
in the middle there.
403
00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:29,642
He's like, "What do you mean?"
404
00:23:29,708 --> 00:23:31,844
"How many months pregnant?"
He was like, "Two."
405
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:35,014
I'm like,
"Well, then you still have the receipt."
406
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,057
"For a small restocking fee,
you can return this."
407
00:23:47,793 --> 00:23:50,896
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking abortion. I mean abortion."
408
00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:57,002
He had the kid. By the way,
here's a tip for you guys for life.
409
00:23:57,069 --> 00:23:58,971
If you tell your friends
to get an abortion,
410
00:23:59,038 --> 00:24:01,874
advise them to get an abortion,
and then they do not get an abortion...
411
00:24:02,541 --> 00:24:05,044
they won't forget
that you told them to get an abortion.
412
00:24:06,612 --> 00:24:08,747
Yeah, they hold onto that real hard.
413
00:24:09,982 --> 00:24:12,451
Every time I see Luis
and his kid at a barbecue,
414
00:24:12,518 --> 00:24:14,720
he's like holding him,
and I come in. He goes:
415
00:24:14,787 --> 00:24:17,756
"Oh, there's your Uncle Ari.
He told us to get rid of you."
416
00:24:19,024 --> 00:24:20,693
"Dude, stop saying that.
417
00:24:21,026 --> 00:24:23,662
It was funny for a year,
but he's 7 now.
418
00:24:25,064 --> 00:24:28,634
He's mad at me. He's giving me
this sign every time I see him. Stop."
419
00:24:35,007 --> 00:24:36,909
Hey, do you guys...?
Let me ask you a question.
420
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:40,479
You guys all have jobs, right?
Or you've had jobs in the past at least?
421
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:44,583
Ever do your job on autopilot?
Not thinking about it?
422
00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:46,018
Just going through the motions?
423
00:24:46,719 --> 00:24:48,279
You know,
then if you're in a good mood,
424
00:24:48,787 --> 00:24:52,825
you sing, or hum, or whistle?
Whistle while you work, that's a thing.
425
00:24:52,891 --> 00:24:54,860
Everybody does that.
Whistle while you work.
426
00:24:56,061 --> 00:24:57,830
Yeah. Very good,
you know what a whistle is.
427
00:25:01,066 --> 00:25:02,066
Do you think...?
428
00:25:02,968 --> 00:25:05,671
Do you think abortion doctors
whistle while they work?
429
00:25:13,045 --> 00:25:16,548
I think they must. Not every day.
Obviously, not every day.
430
00:25:16,615 --> 00:25:18,917
But I mean like Friday, 4:30.
431
00:25:22,888 --> 00:25:23,922
They must be like:
432
00:25:35,134 --> 00:25:38,203
Is that how abortions are done?
I don't know. I've never seen one.
433
00:25:39,004 --> 00:25:41,874
I have waited in the car before,
but I've never been in there.
434
00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:47,212
I assume you reach in and grab the fetus,
then basketball shot it into a trash can.
435
00:25:49,181 --> 00:25:52,684
If you miss, a nurse kicks it
out for three. "Curry, downtown."
436
00:25:52,785 --> 00:25:54,953
No? Is that not how it's done? All right.
437
00:25:56,722 --> 00:25:59,892
At this point I would like to say
thank you for all the women in here,
438
00:25:59,958 --> 00:26:02,027
especially the moms,
for not turning on me horribly.
439
00:26:03,028 --> 00:26:05,731
'Cause, yeah, when I lose a crowd,
it's always moms.
440
00:26:05,798 --> 00:26:08,634
Women who are like,
"Fuck you. I hope you never have a kid."
441
00:26:08,700 --> 00:26:10,869
"I know. Me, too. We're on the same page."
442
00:26:12,204 --> 00:26:14,206
So, thank you, women,
for holding it together.
443
00:26:15,107 --> 00:26:17,676
Women get a bad rap sometimes.
Not all the time.
444
00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:19,611
Not all the time, but sometimes.
445
00:26:19,978 --> 00:26:24,049
"Women are crazy." You ever hear that?
Hear it all the time, I don't think so.
446
00:26:24,116 --> 00:26:26,351
I read this article online
about women's hormones.
447
00:26:26,618 --> 00:26:28,854
This is what it said.
Women, in your brains,
448
00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:31,156
you have 40 percent
more hormones than men have.
449
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:35,060
Forty percent more. Yeah. And that's
not period time. That's non-period time.
450
00:26:35,661 --> 00:26:38,730
I don't know what happens during
the period. All hell breaks loose.
451
00:26:38,797 --> 00:26:41,242
Not talking that. We're talking
three and a half weeks a month.
452
00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:44,369
Whatever men have, our top level,
women, 40 percent on top of that.
453
00:26:44,636 --> 00:26:45,636
Just:
454
00:26:46,738 --> 00:26:50,175
Just shit popping off in there
that men have no concept of whatsoever.
455
00:26:50,909 --> 00:26:54,313
Our thing is here, and you've got, "Pew,
pew. Feelings, feelings, emotions. Pew."
456
00:26:55,113 --> 00:26:58,650
Men call you crazy. 'Cause what?
'Cause why? 'Cause once every two weeks,
457
00:26:58,717 --> 00:27:00,652
you go, "Fuck you," out of nowhere?
458
00:27:03,989 --> 00:27:06,058
With 40 percent more,
those are great odds.
459
00:27:07,226 --> 00:27:09,628
With 40 percent more,
minimum three days a week,
460
00:27:09,695 --> 00:27:12,397
we should wake up with you
over us with scissors
461
00:27:13,932 --> 00:27:15,767
just going, "Not today."
462
00:27:15,834 --> 00:27:18,170
And just fucking bounding off.
463
00:27:20,272 --> 00:27:23,275
So, congratulations, women,
on being shockingly un-crazy.
464
00:27:26,178 --> 00:27:28,914
I know men who if they get
less than six hours of sleep,
465
00:27:28,981 --> 00:27:30,382
and you cut them off in traffic,
466
00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:33,009
they'll follow you to where you work
and threaten your life.
467
00:27:34,186 --> 00:27:36,688
I'll take a "fuck you"
once in a while. It's okay.
468
00:27:39,224 --> 00:27:42,127
My brother's one of those guys
who brings his kid everywhere.
469
00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:46,131
So disappointing when you realize
that your family is capable of that.
470
00:27:47,432 --> 00:27:49,001
My brother lives in Europe now.
471
00:27:49,368 --> 00:27:52,137
'Cause he didn't know
"taxes" applied to him.
472
00:27:53,939 --> 00:27:55,207
That's what he said.
473
00:27:55,707 --> 00:27:58,677
"Those are for everybody?"
"Yeah, man. Those are for everybody."
474
00:27:59,011 --> 00:28:00,379
So, he just never paid them.
475
00:28:01,079 --> 00:28:03,215
He owes like $200,000 to the government.
476
00:28:03,282 --> 00:28:04,850
Yeah, it got out of control.
477
00:28:06,251 --> 00:28:09,087
Eventually he was like,
"I'm sorry. I'll just leave."
478
00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:14,760
I feel bad staying with you
when I owe you all this money,
479
00:28:14,826 --> 00:28:15,994
so I'm gonna get out of here.
480
00:28:16,161 --> 00:28:18,830
You're never gonna see that fucking money,
so I'm gonna get out."
481
00:28:20,465 --> 00:28:23,936
He lives in Europe. It turns out Europe
is almost the same as America.
482
00:28:24,002 --> 00:28:26,442
Basically no difference anymore.
They have everything we have.
483
00:28:27,239 --> 00:28:28,239
Little differences.
484
00:28:28,273 --> 00:28:31,810
There are little differences.
He said you've got to type in PornHub.uk.
485
00:28:34,246 --> 00:28:35,948
But you cope, you learn to cope.
486
00:28:38,183 --> 00:28:40,919
- It's just different porn.
- "Stick it in me arse."
487
00:28:44,923 --> 00:28:47,125
Is that a pirate?
What did I just do?
488
00:28:47,192 --> 00:28:50,495
What accent was that? Was that England?
I was trying to do England.
489
00:28:50,762 --> 00:28:51,897
I don't think I got it.
490
00:28:53,365 --> 00:28:55,934
I was gonna be in Denmark
for some comedy festival.
491
00:28:56,001 --> 00:28:57,903
They flew me to Denmark
which is pretty cool.
492
00:28:58,170 --> 00:29:00,839
My brother called, "While you're
in Europe, let's do something."
493
00:29:00,906 --> 00:29:02,774
"Sure. What do you want to do?"
494
00:29:02,841 --> 00:29:05,110
Looked at his calendar,
Oktoberfest was right then.
495
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:08,247
"You want to go to Oktoberfest?"
I was like, "Fuck yeah."
496
00:29:08,313 --> 00:29:10,282
Two Jews sneaking back into Germany?
497
00:29:12,150 --> 00:29:13,318
Let's take back the night.
498
00:29:14,753 --> 00:29:17,022
You know, let's piss on Hitler's grave.
499
00:29:18,824 --> 00:29:21,960
Yeah. But he goes, "I don't think
they have a Hitler's grave."
500
00:29:25,264 --> 00:29:28,033
I'm just gonna piss everywhere,
and if I hit it, I hit it.
501
00:29:32,070 --> 00:29:34,039
I did, too.
I pissed everywhere in Germany.
502
00:29:34,106 --> 00:29:36,208
I pissed outside like 25 times.
503
00:29:36,842 --> 00:29:38,510
All the time. You can't get in trouble.
504
00:29:38,777 --> 00:29:41,457
If you're a Jew, you can't get
in trouble for little shit like that.
505
00:29:42,214 --> 00:29:45,417
You've got to do something really wrong.
Got to steal a car or worse.
506
00:29:45,484 --> 00:29:48,420
They'll let you go for little stuff.
'Cause of what happened before.
507
00:29:50,989 --> 00:29:52,824
They still feel guilty about it, I guess.
508
00:29:56,161 --> 00:29:58,330
If you don't know,
it was like a disagreement we had.
509
00:30:00,232 --> 00:30:02,367
We lost. I mean, obviously, we lost.
510
00:30:02,434 --> 00:30:04,403
But they way overreacted, so...
511
00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:08,173
All right, no more Holocaust jokes.
512
00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:13,145
So, anyway, so I took the train
into Germany, right? That's a change.
513
00:30:13,211 --> 00:30:16,181
Last one. That was it, you guys.
That's it. No more. No more.
514
00:30:16,248 --> 00:30:18,917
Come on. You can't laugh
at shit like that. That's not cool.
515
00:30:19,284 --> 00:30:20,285
It's not cool.
516
00:30:24,456 --> 00:30:27,492
And my brother met me, took his car.
We met at the train station.
517
00:30:27,559 --> 00:30:30,929
We're both jumping, "Shaffir boys,
we're doing this. Oktoberfest."
518
00:30:30,996 --> 00:30:33,298
So excited.
And then his back door opens up.
519
00:30:34,032 --> 00:30:37,536
And you just hear, "Ahh! No!
I don't want to! I don't want to!"
520
00:30:39,271 --> 00:30:41,540
He brought his 4-year-old kid
to Oktoberfest.
521
00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:45,077
I was like,
"Are you kidding me right now?"
522
00:30:45,944 --> 00:30:47,344
"Did you not want me to bring him?"
523
00:30:48,313 --> 00:30:51,383
"Yes. You read my tone correctly.
I did not want you to bring him."
524
00:30:52,984 --> 00:30:55,220
He said what parents say
when they know they fucked up.
525
00:30:55,287 --> 00:30:56,955
"Well, you should have said something.
526
00:30:58,190 --> 00:30:59,500
If you didn't want me to bring him,
should've said something."
527
00:30:59,524 --> 00:31:02,561
"Why would I have to tell you that?
I don't have to tell you that.
528
00:31:02,627 --> 00:31:05,330
I didn't tell you not to bring anthrax.
You knew that on your own.
529
00:31:07,132 --> 00:31:10,035
I shouldn't have to tell you
not to bring a kid to a beer festival.
530
00:31:10,502 --> 00:31:13,305
He's like, "Why?"
He got indignant. That's what parents do.
531
00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:14,940
"Why shouldn't he be here right now?"
532
00:31:15,207 --> 00:31:17,909
I'm like, "Uh, because I plan on
getting really drunk.
533
00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:19,878
And I question his tolerance.
534
00:31:23,448 --> 00:31:25,984
The way I see it, he'll be
the first one to barf every night.
535
00:31:26,385 --> 00:31:28,920
He just barfed.
He already barfed for no reason.
536
00:31:28,987 --> 00:31:30,288
So, how is that gonna be?"
537
00:31:34,159 --> 00:31:37,629
He tried to sell me on him. "Ari, come on.
He's really smart for his age."
538
00:31:40,632 --> 00:31:43,034
All right, but he's really stupid
for my age.
539
00:31:46,071 --> 00:31:49,174
And I'm not at his kindergarten,
he's at my beer festival.
540
00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:54,579
For me, he's illiterate.
That's not smart. I'm sorry.
541
00:31:54,646 --> 00:31:57,516
You're not gonna sell me
on an illiterate person being smart.
542
00:32:03,321 --> 00:32:04,623
Pregnant off a Tinder date.
543
00:32:05,390 --> 00:32:07,259
Anybody here
not know what Tinder is?
544
00:32:08,460 --> 00:32:10,695
You all know. Or no one's gonna say?
545
00:32:10,962 --> 00:32:12,631
My grandmother, she asked me:
546
00:32:12,697 --> 00:32:15,500
"What's a Tinder?"
And I'm like, "It's not 'a' anything."
547
00:32:16,568 --> 00:32:19,538
How do you explain to
a 94-year-old woman what Tinder is?
548
00:32:20,205 --> 00:32:21,673
She goes, "I don't know anything."
549
00:32:22,507 --> 00:32:24,309
And I was like, "All right, well..."
550
00:32:25,310 --> 00:32:27,279
Uh...
551
00:32:28,180 --> 00:32:31,716
I was like, "There was once
a great man named Steve Jobs.
552
00:32:35,153 --> 00:32:38,390
And he took the power of computers,
and he put it in everybody's hands.
553
00:32:38,457 --> 00:32:40,459
At all times, we had access
to information,
554
00:32:40,525 --> 00:32:42,093
right in the palm of our hands.
555
00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:44,162
It was an amazing time
in human development.
556
00:32:44,229 --> 00:32:45,263
Truly, it really was.
557
00:32:45,330 --> 00:32:48,600
And then within seven years,
we were using that to fuck."
558
00:32:51,136 --> 00:32:53,438
Yeah. Gay people figured it out
in two years.
559
00:32:56,575 --> 00:32:58,243
They were way ahead of the curve.
560
00:32:58,977 --> 00:32:59,978
"All gay scientists,
561
00:33:00,045 --> 00:33:02,047
put down what you're doing.
Figure this out.
562
00:33:02,614 --> 00:33:05,417
We don't need to transfer information.
Fucking, let's fuck."
563
00:33:09,588 --> 00:33:11,656
And then my friend got
pregnant off one of those.
564
00:33:18,363 --> 00:33:21,533
They bother me too much, parents.
Sometimes the problem is the videos.
565
00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,169
The iPhone 6 and 7 now.
566
00:33:24,536 --> 00:33:27,005
Makes everyone think
they're a videographer. They're not.
567
00:33:27,239 --> 00:33:30,208
They have shitty videos.
Not the quality. The quality's amazing.
568
00:33:30,275 --> 00:33:31,776
The subject matter is the issue.
569
00:33:33,144 --> 00:33:36,014
They think everything they record
is worthy of showing people.
570
00:33:36,081 --> 00:33:38,650
But there's a delete button there.
Use that delete button.
571
00:33:39,484 --> 00:33:42,621
Every time my sisters and brothers
show me videos, any of my friends,
572
00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:45,223
"Look at a video of my kid."
I feel like I'm Dexter,
573
00:33:45,590 --> 00:33:47,325
and I have to fake the emotion,
574
00:33:48,493 --> 00:33:51,496
of what a normal person
with feelings would do in that situation.
575
00:33:51,563 --> 00:33:53,798
I'm always like,
"Cute? How do you do this?"
576
00:33:56,401 --> 00:33:58,169
It's just the dumbest.
"He's walking."
577
00:33:58,236 --> 00:34:00,438
"Yeah, well, they all do that.
That's not... "
578
00:34:02,073 --> 00:34:04,643
I can go on YouTube now,
see a video of a 5-year-old
579
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:07,579
hitting a golf ball 215 yards.
580
00:34:08,380 --> 00:34:10,682
You're showing me walking? Fuck you.
581
00:34:12,317 --> 00:34:14,052
Your child is unimpressive."
582
00:34:15,153 --> 00:34:16,187
"Look, he said 'Dada.'"
583
00:34:16,254 --> 00:34:18,189
"Well, that's not the right way
to say that word.
584
00:34:18,823 --> 00:34:22,394
Congratulations. You videotaped a mistake.
I'm sure he'll be very embarrassed."
585
00:34:28,533 --> 00:34:29,668
They're just annoying.
586
00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:32,837
Like you ever see this?
Who's got kids here?
587
00:34:33,104 --> 00:34:36,241
How many people have kids here?
A few of you. How old are your kids?
588
00:34:36,308 --> 00:34:38,443
- Five.
- Five. Five years old. One.
589
00:34:38,510 --> 00:34:40,145
- You stopped after that?
- Yeah.
590
00:34:40,211 --> 00:34:41,211
Okay, good for you.
591
00:34:41,846 --> 00:34:43,648
Not chasing the dragon
like a lot of people.
592
00:34:43,715 --> 00:34:45,550
"Maybe that eighth one will be good."
593
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:50,431
Does your kid ever do this
where they're playing?
594
00:34:50,455 --> 00:34:52,691
They're on the ground playing,
having a good time.
595
00:34:52,757 --> 00:34:55,660
They fall. Like, "No big deal."
They get up and keep playing.
596
00:34:55,727 --> 00:34:58,530
But if anybody's watching,
they're like, "Oh, you saw that?
597
00:34:59,864 --> 00:35:01,866
Okay, it's gonna get
really bad for you right now.
598
00:35:03,335 --> 00:35:05,737
But I just want you to know,
you did this to yourself."
599
00:35:06,638 --> 00:35:09,641
They start crying. But don't really cry
'cause they're not really hurt.
600
00:35:09,708 --> 00:35:12,711
They do their impression of
what they remember a cry sounds like.
601
00:35:13,244 --> 00:35:16,615
From memory. They're not good.
They're not actors, never took classes.
602
00:35:17,682 --> 00:35:19,818
They don't know how to do it.
They fall and go...
603
00:35:29,294 --> 00:35:31,863
"Dude, you're doing ghost.
You're not doing crying."
604
00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:37,235
They're not upset.
They think they can get upset.
605
00:35:37,302 --> 00:35:39,571
So, they try to make themselves
get upset.
606
00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:41,906
They're like feminist bloggers.
607
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,682
Nobody feels less joy
than a feminist blogger.
608
00:35:51,549 --> 00:35:53,685
Like, "Fuck you. I hate you. You suck."
609
00:35:54,319 --> 00:35:56,388
"Why are you so upset?
It's a nice day out."
610
00:35:56,454 --> 00:35:58,423
"Shut up, man. Don't tell me how to feel."
611
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:06,164
Parents don't wake up
the same way non-parents wake up.
612
00:36:06,231 --> 00:36:09,768
I think I'd be okay with it, too,
if parents gave me an honest account...
613
00:36:09,834 --> 00:36:11,336
of what parenthood was like.
614
00:36:11,770 --> 00:36:15,473
A lot of parents say, "It's a beautiful
blessing every second of every day.
615
00:36:16,708 --> 00:36:19,310
It's always a beautiful blessing,
every single second."
616
00:36:19,377 --> 00:36:20,845
I'm like, "Every single second?
617
00:36:21,613 --> 00:36:23,748
Then why are the bags
under your eyes twitching?
618
00:36:24,816 --> 00:36:27,252
They're that low,
and they're fucking twitching.
619
00:36:27,318 --> 00:36:28,453
They're about to pop."
620
00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:33,391
My friend has kids.
My friend Avi has two kids, 4 and 7.
621
00:36:33,458 --> 00:36:36,227
Here's how he wakes up in the morning.
How parents wake up.
622
00:36:36,294 --> 00:36:39,664
Okay? On Sunday, the alarm goes off.
He's sleeping peacefully, right?
623
00:36:40,465 --> 00:36:42,233
The alarm goes off.
As soon as it goes off.
624
00:36:43,334 --> 00:36:45,470
"Get up, move!
Brush your teeth! Clothes. Food.
625
00:36:45,537 --> 00:36:47,505
Go. Move. Now!
626
00:36:47,572 --> 00:36:49,607
Go. Go. Go!"
627
00:36:51,309 --> 00:36:54,646
It's fucking Afghanistan,
and bombs are dropping every single day.
628
00:36:54,979 --> 00:36:56,548
You sleep with your boots on.
629
00:36:58,550 --> 00:36:59,884
How do you live like that?
630
00:37:00,919 --> 00:37:03,822
Not single people, man.
That's not how we wake up at all.
631
00:37:04,756 --> 00:37:06,758
No kids?
Here's how I wake up on a Sunday.
632
00:37:06,825 --> 00:37:09,961
First of all, no alarm clock.
Just whenever it happens.
633
00:37:11,696 --> 00:37:13,898
Whenever the fates shall deem it time.
634
00:37:14,966 --> 00:37:18,837
Yeah. You're sleeping peacefully, right?
After a while, you're just kind of like...
635
00:37:35,553 --> 00:37:38,890
Remember that, parents?
Remember going back to bed?
636
00:37:39,758 --> 00:37:40,925
Remember those days?
637
00:37:41,826 --> 00:37:43,328
Remember that two-hour blink?
638
00:37:45,530 --> 00:37:49,334
Where you look at your clock like, "9:30?
Okay... 11:15? How did that just happen?
639
00:37:49,667 --> 00:37:51,836
Am I a time traveler?
What just happened there?
640
00:37:52,504 --> 00:37:55,640
I don't think I can... 12:45?
What is happening right now?
641
00:37:56,474 --> 00:37:58,743
Can I take a...? 2:00, there it is."
642
00:38:00,879 --> 00:38:04,682
Remember sleeping so much that
you physically cannot sleep anymore?
643
00:38:08,653 --> 00:38:10,598
Where you're laying there... You try.
It doesn't stop you from trying.
644
00:38:10,622 --> 00:38:13,491
But you lay there with your
eyes closed for like 45 minutes.
645
00:38:13,925 --> 00:38:15,960
You're like, "No, this is not going down.
646
00:38:16,494 --> 00:38:18,496
Doing everything in my power
to make this happen.
647
00:38:18,563 --> 00:38:20,732
It's not happening,
so I may as well get up.
648
00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:21,966
The sun's going down.
649
00:38:23,468 --> 00:38:25,970
I should probably get Vitamin D
before I commit suicide."
650
00:38:30,875 --> 00:38:34,646
This is one thing parents get me on.
They're like, "Well, don't you get lonely?
651
00:38:34,712 --> 00:38:38,016
Don't you get lonely without children?"
And I'm like, "Oh, yeah.
652
00:38:38,817 --> 00:38:42,353
A deep, deep loneliness that
you could never even ever experience.
653
00:38:42,420 --> 00:38:45,590
It's a fucking vast emptiness
that goes on for a millennium.
654
00:38:46,090 --> 00:38:47,559
It's super lonely.
655
00:38:48,026 --> 00:38:49,027
Yeah.
656
00:38:49,661 --> 00:38:52,831
But then I call my friends,
and I'm way less lonely. That helps."
657
00:38:53,498 --> 00:38:56,734
There's something to be said for
having cute things around. You get it.
658
00:38:56,801 --> 00:38:59,571
It fills a void
that your friends can't fill.
659
00:38:59,637 --> 00:39:00,939
I have nieces and nephews.
660
00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,474
When they're around,
it fills that void, you know?
661
00:39:03,541 --> 00:39:05,610
It's great to play with them
and teach stuff.
662
00:39:05,810 --> 00:39:09,130
But I don't live in the same city as them.
When I'm not in their city, what do I do?
663
00:39:09,781 --> 00:39:11,950
I go to parks and play with randoms, but...
664
00:39:17,622 --> 00:39:19,023
Parents frown on that.
665
00:39:20,959 --> 00:39:23,394
Parents are always like,
"Get away from my child."
666
00:39:23,461 --> 00:39:24,996
I'm like "I'm not a child molester."
667
00:39:25,463 --> 00:39:28,800
But if you bring up child molestation,
that's all they think about.
668
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:33,371
So, what do you do?
How do single people fill that void?
669
00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:35,406
Dogs.
670
00:39:36,441 --> 00:39:39,577
That's how we do it. You see any
single person over 30 around a dog,
671
00:39:39,644 --> 00:39:40,778
they get weird.
672
00:39:42,714 --> 00:39:43,581
I love dogs.
673
00:39:43,648 --> 00:39:46,084
I'll lick a dog in his mouth, you guys.
I don't give a fuck.
674
00:39:47,118 --> 00:39:49,520
I'll give him tongue.
If he's good, he wants that tongue.
675
00:39:49,587 --> 00:39:51,389
If he's a good boy,
he's getting that tongue.
676
00:39:51,689 --> 00:39:53,458
I'll get in there like,
"Are you a good boy?
677
00:39:54,993 --> 00:39:56,060
You're a good boy."
678
00:39:59,964 --> 00:40:01,499
Yeah, owners look at me weird.
679
00:40:03,101 --> 00:40:06,871
"Aren't you afraid of getting a disease?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, depression."
680
00:40:09,007 --> 00:40:10,608
Please, let me have this.
681
00:40:16,614 --> 00:40:17,916
So, Nicole had her baby.
682
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:20,752
Yeah, the Tinder lady.
683
00:40:21,819 --> 00:40:24,022
She did not name it Tinderthy
like I suggested.
684
00:40:27,759 --> 00:40:30,995
I suggested Tinderthy for a boy,
and for a girl, I said Con-swipe-a.
685
00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:37,769
For ethnic flavor, you know?
A little bit.
686
00:40:49,547 --> 00:40:50,682
Fucking garbage.
687
00:40:57,655 --> 00:40:59,891
She had her baby.
She said her life wasn't gonna change.
688
00:41:00,658 --> 00:41:02,193
She was living in Brooklyn, New York.
689
00:41:02,860 --> 00:41:04,629
And now she lives in Arkansas.
690
00:41:06,030 --> 00:41:07,899
What city in Arkansas, did someone ask?
691
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:10,768
Because there are some cool cities
in Arkansas? No. Nobody asked.
692
00:41:11,169 --> 00:41:13,071
There's no cool cities in Arkansas.
693
00:41:19,944 --> 00:41:22,613
You guys ever know anybody
that definitely should get an abortion?
694
00:41:24,582 --> 00:41:27,685
You look at them and you're like,
"You're the reason this is legal."
695
00:41:29,220 --> 00:41:33,257
For this case right now is
the only reason anyone's allowed to do it.
696
00:41:37,095 --> 00:41:38,939
Sometimes they get an abortion,
sometimes they don't.
697
00:41:38,963 --> 00:41:40,841
What's the reason they always give
when they don't get an abortion?
698
00:41:40,865 --> 00:41:43,043
When everyone in the world knows
they should get an abortion.
699
00:41:43,067 --> 00:41:46,004
They're like, "I know I should
get an abortion, but I can't because... "
700
00:41:46,637 --> 00:41:48,506
- Jesus.
- Jesus. Yeah, God.
701
00:41:48,573 --> 00:41:49,841
It's always Jesus.
702
00:41:49,907 --> 00:41:52,877
That's what they point to.
"I can't have an abortion. Religion."
703
00:41:52,944 --> 00:41:54,788
That's what Nicole said.
"I can't have an abortion. Religion."
704
00:41:54,812 --> 00:41:58,950
"But where was religion when you were
fucking behind the Roxy nightclub?"
705
00:42:01,953 --> 00:42:03,821
I don't understand.
Was Jesus back there?
706
00:42:05,023 --> 00:42:07,191
Was Jesus
slapping the condom off the guy?
707
00:42:08,192 --> 00:42:11,696
Going, "No, that's an abomination.
You can't. No, that's an abomination.
708
00:42:11,763 --> 00:42:14,632
You fuck raw dog behind this
Dumpster or don't fuck at all.
709
00:42:15,833 --> 00:42:17,101
So sayeth the Lord."
710
00:42:25,543 --> 00:42:28,112
It doesn't work, by the way.
Just so you know, logically.
711
00:42:28,679 --> 00:42:31,291
Religion doesn't work as a reason.
You don't have to have an abortion.
712
00:42:31,315 --> 00:42:33,551
But you can't point to religion
as the reason not to.
713
00:42:33,618 --> 00:42:36,120
It doesn't work.
I've studied religion for a long time.
714
00:42:36,654 --> 00:42:38,790
Yeah. I used to be like... One of those.
715
00:42:41,092 --> 00:42:43,194
Yeah. For this side over there,
there you go.
716
00:42:45,329 --> 00:42:46,998
Yeah, so I know a lot about it.
717
00:42:47,165 --> 00:42:48,733
Here's the deal why it doesn't work.
718
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,935
There's only one way
you go straight to heaven.
719
00:42:51,002 --> 00:42:54,072
Especially in Christianity.
The only way you go straight to heaven,
720
00:42:54,138 --> 00:42:56,574
I mean, no purgatory, no hell,
straight to heaven,
721
00:42:56,641 --> 00:42:58,776
the only way to do that is
if you die without sin.
722
00:42:59,977 --> 00:43:01,712
And the only way to die without sin
723
00:43:02,780 --> 00:43:05,917
is if you get aborted
before you get a chance to be born.
724
00:43:07,351 --> 00:43:08,853
So...
725
00:43:10,288 --> 00:43:13,257
if you love Jesus,
and you love your baby...
726
00:43:16,194 --> 00:43:17,829
you should send him to heaven.
727
00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:27,138
I'm just trying to spread the gospel,
you guys. That's all I'm about here today.
728
00:43:27,738 --> 00:43:30,141
Thank you very much, everybody.
That's it for me.
729
00:43:32,977 --> 00:43:35,346
You guys have been a phenomenal crowd.
730
00:43:39,217 --> 00:43:40,985
You guys are absolutely awesome.