1
00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,956
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,957 --> 00:00:08,293
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,294 --> 00:00:11,930
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,931 --> 00:00:14,838
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,839 --> 00:00:18,264
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,265 --> 00:00:21,740
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,741 --> 00:00:23,308
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,309 --> 00:00:24,932
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,933 --> 00:00:30,048
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:31,090 --> 00:00:33,055
NARRATOR: Previously on Family Guy...
11
00:00:33,056 --> 00:00:35,687
STEWIE: Dad's working
for the Trump White House?
12
00:00:35,688 --> 00:00:38,314
Huh... hey, Stewie,
can we do that again?
13
00:00:38,315 --> 00:00:39,929
Maybe a little more energy?
14
00:00:41,027 --> 00:00:42,294
(SIGHS)
15
00:00:42,829 --> 00:00:44,417
Uh, no?
16
00:00:46,265 --> 00:00:47,799
ENGINEER: I-I think we can use it.
17
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,719
Oh, yay, that's awesome.
18
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,903
♪
19
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,503
Wow, the White House is great.
20
00:00:55,504 --> 00:00:58,009
There's no wonder
you spend two days a week here.
21
00:00:58,927 --> 00:01:00,745
I'm sorry, can you hang on a sec?
22
00:01:00,746 --> 00:01:02,414
Got to close this window.
23
00:01:02,415 --> 00:01:05,984
Melania's out there
blowing bubbles for Eric.
24
00:01:05,985 --> 00:01:08,286
(GIGGLING)
25
00:01:08,287 --> 00:01:10,488
Dad, I got one in my mouth.
26
00:01:10,489 --> 00:01:12,524
It tastes like soap!
27
00:01:12,525 --> 00:01:14,759
Tremendous. Amazing.
28
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:18,430
Okay, Peter, your main job here
is to go in rooms before me
29
00:01:18,431 --> 00:01:21,766
to make sure
there's no static electricity.
30
00:01:23,269 --> 00:01:25,203
Don't go in there. It's not safe.
31
00:01:25,204 --> 00:01:26,771
Well done, Peter.
32
00:01:26,772 --> 00:01:28,087
(ZAPPING)
33
00:01:32,903 --> 00:01:35,247
Everyone, welcome to our new place.
34
00:01:35,248 --> 00:01:38,016
I think we're gonna enjoy
the Beltway lifestyle.
35
00:01:38,017 --> 00:01:41,152
Washington, D.C. is
a wonderful city to call home.
36
00:01:41,153 --> 00:01:44,256
And will we be putting our kids
in the local public schools?
37
00:01:44,257 --> 00:01:45,857
No, I would not recommend it.
38
00:01:45,858 --> 00:01:48,260
Dibs on the bedroom
in which an intern got murdered.
39
00:01:48,261 --> 00:01:50,829
Aw, I want the intern murder bedroom!
40
00:01:50,830 --> 00:01:52,430
There's no need to fight, kids.
41
00:01:52,431 --> 00:01:55,066
An intern has been murdered
in each of the bedrooms.
42
00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:56,234
(CHRIS AND STEWIE GASP)
43
00:01:56,235 --> 00:01:57,469
Well, I think this sucks.
44
00:01:57,470 --> 00:01:59,137
I want to go back to Quahog.
45
00:01:59,138 --> 00:02:01,139
But we just got here, sweetie.
46
00:02:01,140 --> 00:02:02,741
Tomorrow, at James Woods High,
47
00:02:02,742 --> 00:02:04,576
it's Scoliosis Spine Check Day.
48
00:02:04,577 --> 00:02:06,911
It's the one day a year I get touched!
49
00:02:06,912 --> 00:02:09,481
Meg, your father got
this great new opportunity,
50
00:02:09,482 --> 00:02:11,249
and we need to support him.
51
00:02:11,250 --> 00:02:13,251
Let's give D.C. a chance, huh?
52
00:02:13,252 --> 00:02:14,653
Yeah, Meg, trust me...
53
00:02:14,654 --> 00:02:16,488
Before long, we'll fit right in here,
54
00:02:16,489 --> 00:02:19,257
like a cowboy in a Chinese Starbucks.
55
00:02:19,258 --> 00:02:21,493
(JANING)
56
00:02:21,494 --> 00:02:24,496
This is the most strangest place ever.
57
00:02:24,497 --> 00:02:26,164
Yee! Ha!
58
00:02:26,165 --> 00:02:28,833
Oh, this ain't so different.
59
00:02:28,834 --> 00:02:31,636
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
60
00:02:31,637 --> 00:02:34,039
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
61
00:02:36,008 --> 00:02:37,842
Oh, this is so exciting!
62
00:02:37,843 --> 00:02:40,779
I've never been to a fancy
White House party before.
63
00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:43,615
We're happy you're here,
Mrs. Griffin, Mr. Griffin.
64
00:02:43,616 --> 00:02:45,784
And we're glad you brought
your two children
65
00:02:45,785 --> 00:02:48,224
and former Governor Chris Christie.
66
00:02:48,225 --> 00:02:51,289
That's, like, the fourth person
who's called Meg Chris Christie.
67
00:02:51,290 --> 00:02:52,672
(SIGHS)
68
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,126
Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry everyone thinks
69
00:02:55,127 --> 00:02:58,763
you're a historically unpopular
fatso from New Jersey.
70
00:02:58,764 --> 00:03:00,765
Whatever. I just want to go home.
71
00:03:00,766 --> 00:03:02,524
Oh, you can't go home yet!
72
00:03:02,525 --> 00:03:04,002
We haven't even served dinner.
73
00:03:04,003 --> 00:03:05,937
And I hope you saved your appetite,
74
00:03:05,938 --> 00:03:08,106
because, later, we're all wiping our ass
75
00:03:08,107 --> 00:03:10,041
with the Constitution.
76
00:03:10,042 --> 00:03:11,331
Hi, Brian Griffin.
77
00:03:11,332 --> 00:03:13,597
They let me write some
of the liberal jokes.
78
00:03:13,598 --> 00:03:14,698
How you liking 'em?
79
00:03:14,699 --> 00:03:15,997
Good, there's more coming.
80
00:03:18,284 --> 00:03:20,185
Folks, to drink this evening,
we've got red wine,
81
00:03:20,186 --> 00:03:22,120
white wine, and a fifth of bourbon.
82
00:03:22,121 --> 00:03:24,622
What'll you have, disgraced
political oddity Roger Stone?
83
00:03:24,623 --> 00:03:26,224
I'll take the fifth.
84
00:03:26,225 --> 00:03:28,059
(CHUCKLES) That works on two levels.
85
00:03:28,060 --> 00:03:29,627
Layered.
86
00:03:29,628 --> 00:03:31,963
Man, the Trump White House
is so awesome.
87
00:03:31,964 --> 00:03:34,032
And for sure it's not crawling
with Russians.
88
00:03:34,033 --> 00:03:35,266
(RUSSIAN ACCENT): That's for actual,
89
00:03:35,267 --> 00:03:37,135
other American at this party.
90
00:03:37,136 --> 00:03:38,803
So, what kinds of things
91
00:03:38,804 --> 00:03:41,639
do you hearing
from our Mr. USA President?
92
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,241
I don't know, fellow American,
93
00:03:43,242 --> 00:03:45,243
but here's my Gmail log-in and password,
94
00:03:45,244 --> 00:03:46,678
'cause I know I can trust you with it.
95
00:03:46,679 --> 00:03:47,679
Wonderful.
96
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,314
Now, to please excuse,
97
00:03:49,315 --> 00:03:53,122
I have very aching gut
from eating so much apple cake.
98
00:03:53,123 --> 00:03:56,221
Ha! Doesn't get more American than that.
99
00:03:56,222 --> 00:03:57,589
(PHONE CHIMES)
100
00:04:02,461 --> 00:04:04,863
(SIGHS)
101
00:04:04,864 --> 00:04:06,264
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (SIZZLING)
102
00:04:06,265 --> 00:04:07,699
Sorry! I'm just looking for the exit.
103
00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:09,200
I didn't mean to...
104
00:04:09,201 --> 00:04:11,538
Holy girl boner.
105
00:04:11,539 --> 00:04:13,204
♪ Ivanka Trump ♪
106
00:04:13,205 --> 00:04:15,940
♪ Has a gentle breeze indoors. ♪
107
00:04:15,941 --> 00:04:19,110
Tell those kids, if they ever
want to see their parents again,
108
00:04:19,111 --> 00:04:20,445
they'll make the shoes!
109
00:04:20,446 --> 00:04:22,470
Do you know who you're dealing with?
110
00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:24,549
My husband is the son of a felon
111
00:04:24,550 --> 00:04:26,551
who went to prison for
blackmailing his brother-in-law
112
00:04:26,552 --> 00:04:28,153
by entrapping him with a prostitute
113
00:04:28,154 --> 00:04:31,756
and then mailing a copy
of the tape to his own sister!
114
00:04:31,757 --> 00:04:33,425
♪ All that stuff ♪
115
00:04:33,426 --> 00:04:35,260
♪ Happened for real. ♪
116
00:04:35,261 --> 00:04:36,861
Is everything okay?
117
00:04:36,862 --> 00:04:38,863
Huh? Oh. Yeah.
118
00:04:38,864 --> 00:04:40,932
Sorry to be out of sorts. I just...
119
00:04:40,933 --> 00:04:42,934
Sometimes I wish
I could meet someone else
120
00:04:42,935 --> 00:04:45,770
whose dad is a fat idiot who
once had a hit television show
121
00:04:45,771 --> 00:04:47,605
and who, over time,
has worn out his welcome.
122
00:04:47,606 --> 00:04:49,874
- You know, Meg's dad is als...
- Shut up, Tiffany.
123
00:04:49,875 --> 00:04:52,076
Yeah. Shut up, Tiffany.
124
00:04:52,077 --> 00:04:54,078
Meg, I think you'd look amazing
125
00:04:54,079 --> 00:04:55,814
in my brand of lifestyle products
126
00:04:55,815 --> 00:04:57,916
that are designed to represent
a poor person's idea
127
00:04:57,917 --> 00:04:59,417
of what a rich person would wear.
128
00:04:59,418 --> 00:05:01,319
- You think so?
- Trust me.
129
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,822
When I'm done with you,
you'll be pretty enough to marry
130
00:05:03,823 --> 00:05:05,590
an Orthodox Jewish son of a felon
131
00:05:05,591 --> 00:05:07,926
who's too stupid to get
into Harvard the normal way.
132
00:05:07,927 --> 00:05:10,495
And whose voice is way higher
than you thought it would be?
133
00:05:10,496 --> 00:05:12,447
(HIGH-PITCHE):
Hi, honey. Ready for dinner?
134
00:05:15,201 --> 00:05:17,001
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
135
00:05:17,896 --> 00:05:19,267
Stewie, where have you been?
136
00:05:19,268 --> 00:05:22,841
(RUSSIAN ACCENT): Ugh, many
American baby things am I doing.
137
00:05:22,842 --> 00:05:27,612
So, what is your favorite
ballistic missile launch codes?
138
00:05:27,613 --> 00:05:29,547
Whoa, is that Meg?
139
00:05:29,548 --> 00:05:31,983
♪
140
00:05:35,851 --> 00:05:37,021
That girl is pretty.
141
00:05:37,022 --> 00:05:38,857
So pretty by D.C. standards.
142
00:05:38,858 --> 00:05:42,160
With Geico, you can save
up to 15% on car insurance.
143
00:05:42,161 --> 00:05:46,509
Wow! Two-thirds of the people
here are talking about me.
144
00:05:46,510 --> 00:05:48,066
Because you're beautiful, Meg.
145
00:05:48,067 --> 00:05:49,667
Thanks to you.
146
00:05:49,668 --> 00:05:51,769
Come on, let me introduce you
to the president.
147
00:05:51,770 --> 00:05:54,472
He's kind of like my boyfriend.
148
00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:59,143
Hang on. He's still getting ready.
149
00:05:59,144 --> 00:06:01,513
(WHIRRING)
150
00:06:04,817 --> 00:06:07,585
Hey, Dad, I want you
to meet my new friend, Meg.
151
00:06:07,586 --> 00:06:10,021
- Pleased to meet you.
- I've got to run, Dad.
152
00:06:10,022 --> 00:06:12,905
Thanks again for getting me
plastic surgery in my teens.
153
00:06:13,893 --> 00:06:15,460
Um, yeah, anyway,
154
00:06:15,461 --> 00:06:17,695
it's an honor to meet you,
Mr. President.
155
00:06:17,696 --> 00:06:19,030
This is amazing.
156
00:06:19,031 --> 00:06:20,698
Yesterday, I was at Quahog Pond,
157
00:06:20,699 --> 00:06:22,934
pulling out carps
just to watch them suffocate.
158
00:06:22,935 --> 00:06:24,369
And now look at me,
159
00:06:24,370 --> 00:06:26,271
with the winner of the 46th-largest
160
00:06:26,272 --> 00:06:28,640
electoral college victory of all time.
161
00:06:28,641 --> 00:06:30,975
And, I got to say, I'm a huge fan
162
00:06:30,976 --> 00:06:32,977
of your board game
and your beef products
163
00:06:32,978 --> 00:06:34,712
and your fraudulent university and...
164
00:06:34,713 --> 00:06:36,047
(DOORBELL RING)
165
00:06:36,048 --> 00:06:38,383
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, please.
166
00:06:38,384 --> 00:06:41,619
Every president
since Washington has done this.
167
00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:43,254
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Dearest Martha,
168
00:06:43,255 --> 00:06:46,524
I cannot wait
to once again place my hand
169
00:06:46,525 --> 00:06:49,360
onto your Gates of Venus.
170
00:06:49,361 --> 00:06:51,029
HARRY TRUMAN: My darling Bess,
171
00:06:51,030 --> 00:06:53,031
tonight, I'm going to drop the Big One
172
00:06:53,032 --> 00:06:54,933
onto your Pacific theater.
173
00:06:54,934 --> 00:06:57,769
GEORGE H.W. BUSH: Hey,
Barbara Bush, working late.
174
00:06:57,770 --> 00:07:00,204
Sleeping in office.
175
00:07:00,205 --> 00:07:01,773
Crazy headache.
176
00:07:01,774 --> 00:07:03,702
You look like my mom.
177
00:07:10,389 --> 00:07:11,942
Good afternoon, I'm Tim Tucker,
178
00:07:11,943 --> 00:07:13,611
not my twin brother, Tom.
179
00:07:13,612 --> 00:07:17,040
Our top story: mentally
challenged boys' T-shirts.
180
00:07:17,041 --> 00:07:19,568
Are they getting even longer?
181
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:22,686
Um, guys, I got to tell you something.
182
00:07:22,687 --> 00:07:24,288
Last night, at the White House,
183
00:07:24,289 --> 00:07:27,124
President Trump
touched me inappropriately.
184
00:07:27,125 --> 00:07:29,693
- What?!
- Meg, that's my boss, all right?
185
00:07:29,694 --> 00:07:31,362
This is my career you're talking about.
186
00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:33,030
I spent a whole day working on this.
187
00:07:33,031 --> 00:07:34,865
You want me to just
throw away in one day
188
00:07:34,866 --> 00:07:36,967
what I've spent a whole day
trying to build?
189
00:07:36,968 --> 00:07:39,303
A whole day's worth of work,
poof, gone in a day!
190
00:07:39,304 --> 00:07:40,971
Meg, you expect us to believe
191
00:07:40,972 --> 00:07:42,473
that the president of the United States
192
00:07:42,474 --> 00:07:44,375
would grab a woman by her (BLEEP)?
193
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,643
That's ridiculous!
194
00:07:45,644 --> 00:07:47,211
How could you not believe me?
195
00:07:47,212 --> 00:07:48,879
Oh, hang on. CNN's on,
196
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,382
where I'm the loudest guy
on an overcrowded panel.
197
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:53,651
This country needs
stronger border security.
198
00:07:53,652 --> 00:07:55,653
Our border security
is the strongest in the world.
199
00:07:55,654 --> 00:07:57,888
What we need
is to take care of our children.
200
00:07:57,889 --> 00:07:59,323
I can't get an erection!
201
00:07:59,324 --> 00:08:00,825
You think giving them amnesty
202
00:08:00,826 --> 00:08:02,560
is fair to the people
who are already here?
203
00:08:02,561 --> 00:08:04,395
They're contributing to the economy.
204
00:08:04,396 --> 00:08:05,496
I've tried all the herbs!
205
00:08:05,497 --> 00:08:06,897
Amnesty is never the answer.
206
00:08:06,898 --> 00:08:08,699
It's not amnesty.
207
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:11,001
It's recognizing their
contributions to our country.
208
00:08:11,002 --> 00:08:13,337
They said to meditate,
but I keep fallin' asleep!
209
00:08:13,338 --> 00:08:14,805
We need stronger vetting.
210
00:08:14,806 --> 00:08:16,707
And to enforce the laws
already on the books.
211
00:08:16,708 --> 00:08:18,642
I'm terrified
of being alone with my wife!
212
00:08:18,643 --> 00:08:19,944
It's too much pressure!
213
00:08:19,945 --> 00:08:21,445
Well, nothing's ever gonna change
214
00:08:21,446 --> 00:08:23,113
if Congress isn't willing to compromise.
215
00:08:23,114 --> 00:08:25,249
- Exactly my point.
- A wall would solve this.
216
00:08:25,250 --> 00:08:26,784
I wake up with an erection,
217
00:08:26,785 --> 00:08:28,385
but never when she's in the bed with me!
218
00:08:28,386 --> 00:08:29,720
A wall would solve nothing.
219
00:08:29,721 --> 00:08:31,322
These children have rights.
220
00:08:31,323 --> 00:08:33,724
I spent three grand
on a Sandals vacation,
221
00:08:33,725 --> 00:08:34,725
thinking that might do it!
222
00:08:34,726 --> 00:08:35,759
Know what it was?
223
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,862
Me being limp on a lazy river!
224
00:08:37,863 --> 00:08:39,530
Well, that's all the time we have.
225
00:08:39,531 --> 00:08:41,098
- Thank you to Peter Griffin...
- No!
226
00:08:41,099 --> 00:08:43,133
Don't send me home to my wife!
227
00:08:43,134 --> 00:08:44,702
Democrats.
228
00:08:44,703 --> 00:08:46,470
That's why we went to Sandals?
229
00:08:46,471 --> 00:08:47,972
Dad, did you hear what I said?
230
00:08:47,973 --> 00:08:49,540
Sorry, Meg, I got to go to work.
231
00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:51,709
What? You're still gonna work
for that man
232
00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:53,377
- after he assaulted me?
- (DOOR CLOSES)
233
00:08:53,378 --> 00:08:55,713
Meg, you got to stop with these stories.
234
00:08:55,714 --> 00:08:57,448
People hate a liar.
235
00:08:57,449 --> 00:08:59,950
Just like closed captioning
stenographers hated
236
00:08:59,951 --> 00:09:02,575
the Sleepy Hollow guy for some reason.
237
00:09:12,831 --> 00:09:14,932
Did he carry a broadax?
238
00:09:16,734 --> 00:09:18,476
The mark on his hand...
239
00:09:19,829 --> 00:09:21,572
Was it a bow?
240
00:09:27,841 --> 00:09:30,597
Oh, no. No, no, no, it can't be.
241
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,551
When I cut off his head.
242
00:09:41,323 --> 00:09:43,327
Okay, I'll take your questions.
243
00:09:43,328 --> 00:09:44,828
Me With A Fake Mustache.
244
00:09:44,829 --> 00:09:47,164
America wants to know
what you're packin' up there.
245
00:09:47,165 --> 00:09:48,834
I've heard 11 inches. True?
246
00:09:48,835 --> 00:09:50,267
All right, that's enough from you.
247
00:09:50,268 --> 00:09:51,602
Me With A Funny Hat.
248
00:09:51,603 --> 00:09:53,304
I also have heard 11 inches.
249
00:09:53,305 --> 00:09:55,306
Okay, any non-11-inch questions?
250
00:09:55,307 --> 00:09:56,570
Me With An Old-Timey Wig.
251
00:09:56,571 --> 00:09:58,768
I've heard four handbreadths.
252
00:10:03,315 --> 00:10:05,633
Mr. President, the press
briefing went very well.
253
00:10:05,634 --> 00:10:06,984
Many people are saying
254
00:10:06,985 --> 00:10:09,219
it was the best press briefing
in all of history.
255
00:10:09,220 --> 00:10:11,822
Mr. Griffin, you're not speaking
to President Trump.
256
00:10:11,823 --> 00:10:13,590
That's a butternut squash.
257
00:10:13,591 --> 00:10:17,821
Oh. Well, if this lumpy orange
garbage vegetable is here,
258
00:10:17,822 --> 00:10:19,997
then where's President Donald Trump?
259
00:10:19,998 --> 00:10:21,665
Mr. President, please,
260
00:10:21,666 --> 00:10:23,167
I'm not interested.
261
00:10:23,168 --> 00:10:24,802
You'll regret this.
262
00:10:24,803 --> 00:10:27,204
(SPEAKS HUTTESE)
263
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:31,308
(CACKLING)
264
00:10:32,998 --> 00:10:34,478
Oh, my God.
265
00:10:34,479 --> 00:10:36,480
Bob's Burgers is on!
266
00:10:36,481 --> 00:10:39,116
This show speaks
to us young people, apparently.
267
00:10:39,117 --> 00:10:42,163
That show... and-and I mean
no disrespect when I say this...
268
00:10:42,164 --> 00:10:44,941
But that show looks like
it was animated in a moving car.
269
00:10:44,942 --> 00:10:47,684
And again, no disrespect,
wonderful people over there.
270
00:10:47,685 --> 00:10:50,728
But... oh, my God, President
Trump is assaulting Meg,
271
00:10:50,729 --> 00:10:53,382
I can't believe what
I just saw, Mr. President!
272
00:10:53,383 --> 00:10:54,999
What would your third wife,
273
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:58,002
the soft-core girl-on-girl
porn lady, think about this?
274
00:10:58,003 --> 00:11:01,338
Or the actual porn star
your lawyer paid hush money to?
275
00:11:01,339 --> 00:11:04,421
I'm so sorry we didn't
believe you earlier, sweetie.
276
00:11:04,422 --> 00:11:06,677
Yeah, where do you get off
behaving like this?
277
00:11:06,678 --> 00:11:09,046
- Why shouldn't I? You do.
- What?
278
00:11:09,047 --> 00:11:13,003
When you walked through that
door, you insulted Bob's Burgers
279
00:11:13,004 --> 00:11:15,260
and the hundreds of people
who work there.
280
00:11:15,261 --> 00:11:16,754
Well, I was just kidding around.
281
00:11:16,755 --> 00:11:18,756
No, you weren't. You're just jealous
282
00:11:18,757 --> 00:11:22,027
'cause it wins all the Emmys
and the kids love it.
283
00:11:22,028 --> 00:11:23,927
You seem to know a lot
about Bob's Burgers.
284
00:11:23,928 --> 00:11:25,416
Of course I do.
285
00:11:25,417 --> 00:11:29,366
Bob's Burgers
is my favorite animated show.
286
00:11:29,367 --> 00:11:32,272
Wow. There's your headline, Emmy voters.
287
00:11:32,273 --> 00:11:33,722
Vote your conscience.
288
00:11:33,723 --> 00:11:35,606
Anyway, my point is,
289
00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:38,809
if Peter Griffin gets to be
a jerk all the time,
290
00:11:38,810 --> 00:11:41,245
then why can't Donald Trump?
291
00:11:41,246 --> 00:11:42,880
Huh.
292
00:11:42,881 --> 00:11:46,517
That is not the...
dumbest thing you've ever said.
293
00:11:46,518 --> 00:11:48,557
So are we square?
294
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,687
No.
295
00:11:50,688 --> 00:11:52,689
No, President Trump, we are not!
296
00:11:52,690 --> 00:11:53,924
I quit!
297
00:11:53,925 --> 00:11:55,392
- What?
- That's right.
298
00:11:55,393 --> 00:11:57,795
And you know what else?
My days of being mean
299
00:11:57,796 --> 00:11:59,109
and insulting are over!
300
00:11:59,110 --> 00:12:00,497
From here on out,
301
00:12:00,498 --> 00:12:02,733
I'm gonna be the nice,
kind Peter Griffin.
302
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:04,869
You can't walk out on me.
303
00:12:04,870 --> 00:12:06,904
I'm the president.
304
00:12:06,905 --> 00:12:08,505
Well, you're not a very good one.
305
00:12:08,506 --> 00:12:09,640
Like that guy.
306
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:11,608
Or-or that one.
307
00:12:11,609 --> 00:12:12,976
Or that one.
308
00:12:12,977 --> 00:12:14,427
Hey, which one is that, anyway?
309
00:12:14,428 --> 00:12:15,930
I'm Grover Cleveland,
310
00:12:15,931 --> 00:12:18,916
the only president to be married
in the White House.
311
00:12:18,917 --> 00:12:21,118
Oh, what a nice story.
312
00:12:21,119 --> 00:12:23,353
It's a great story. I married a girl
313
00:12:23,354 --> 00:12:26,643
who I'd raised since
the time she was 11 years old.
314
00:12:26,644 --> 00:12:27,740
Oh.
315
00:12:27,741 --> 00:12:30,067
Well, that guy's not getting a musical.
316
00:12:35,865 --> 00:12:38,495
We now return
to Pirates of the Caribbean,
317
00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:40,931
where the sound guy
put the microphone too close
318
00:12:40,932 --> 00:12:43,163
to Johnny Depp's jangling bracelets.
319
00:12:43,164 --> 00:12:45,736
- (BRACELETS JANGLING)
- Hold it right there, Sparrow.
320
00:12:45,737 --> 00:12:47,838
This is the day you will always remember
321
00:12:47,839 --> 00:12:50,707
as the day you almost caught
Captain Jack Sparrow.
322
00:12:50,708 --> 00:12:52,376
- What?!
- I said...
323
00:12:52,377 --> 00:12:54,478
- (JANGLING CONTINUES)
- I've spent $65 million
324
00:12:54,479 --> 00:12:56,780
on vacation homes and daytime wine.
325
00:12:56,781 --> 00:12:59,750
(JANGLING)
326
00:12:59,751 --> 00:13:01,752
All right, turn off
that cheap celebrity slam.
327
00:13:01,753 --> 00:13:03,954
The Griffins are gonna be
better than that now.
328
00:13:03,955 --> 00:13:05,289
- What?
- You heard me.
329
00:13:05,290 --> 00:13:07,224
We are done being mean and insulting,
330
00:13:07,225 --> 00:13:09,259
like Donald Trump is. From now on,
331
00:13:09,260 --> 00:13:11,862
this family's
gonna be nice and supportive.
332
00:13:11,863 --> 00:13:14,249
Oh. So if we're being nice now,
333
00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:16,500
maybe you have nice things
to say to me, Dad.
334
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:18,268
Uh... of course I do.
335
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,537
Your hair is, um...
336
00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:23,140
very... hat.
337
00:13:23,141 --> 00:13:25,776
You're a... hat owner.
338
00:13:25,777 --> 00:13:27,678
You're also hatted.
339
00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:29,179
Why does he keep coming back to the hat?
340
00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:31,615
Peter, stop. Your nipples are bleeding.
341
00:13:31,616 --> 00:13:34,051
All right, fine, I'm not a nice person.
342
00:13:34,052 --> 00:13:36,186
I'm sick of complimenting your hat!
343
00:13:36,187 --> 00:13:38,689
I knew that fat man
couldn't keep this up.
344
00:13:38,690 --> 00:13:40,491
He always buckles under pressure.
345
00:13:40,492 --> 00:13:43,193
Yeah, you're right.
Like at that Billy Joel concert.
346
00:13:43,194 --> 00:13:46,497
(PLAYING "PRESSURE")
347
00:13:46,498 --> 00:13:47,965
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
348
00:13:47,966 --> 00:13:49,366
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
349
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:50,901
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
350
00:13:50,902 --> 00:13:52,503
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
351
00:13:52,504 --> 00:13:54,828
♪ Uptown girl! ♪
352
00:13:54,829 --> 00:13:58,008
♪
353
00:14:02,180 --> 00:14:04,014
PETER: Trump!
354
00:14:04,015 --> 00:14:06,527
Who are you? I have dementia.
355
00:14:06,528 --> 00:14:08,051
Peter Griffin.
356
00:14:08,052 --> 00:14:09,553
Look, you were right.
357
00:14:09,554 --> 00:14:11,910
I can be insulting sometimes,
I admit it.
358
00:14:11,911 --> 00:14:14,591
But so what? I'm just a guy
from Rhode Island.
359
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,994
You' the President of the United States!
360
00:14:16,995 --> 00:14:19,229
You're not just a guy from Rhode Island.
361
00:14:19,230 --> 00:14:21,832
You're Peter Griffin from Family Guy.
362
00:14:21,833 --> 00:14:24,735
Many children have learned
their favorite Jewish, black
363
00:14:24,736 --> 00:14:28,372
and gay jokes by watching
your show over the years.
364
00:14:28,373 --> 00:14:31,575
In fairness, we've been trying
to phase out the gay stuff.
365
00:14:31,576 --> 00:14:33,577
But you know what? We're a cartoon.
366
00:14:33,578 --> 00:14:35,579
You can turn us off.
You're the president.
367
00:14:35,580 --> 00:14:37,181
We can't turn you off.
368
00:14:37,182 --> 00:14:39,249
And you're on, like, all the time!
369
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:41,051
Yes, tremendous ratings.
370
00:14:41,052 --> 00:14:44,054
Our Leslie Nielsen ratings
are the highest in history.
371
00:14:44,055 --> 00:14:45,889
Surely you can't be serious.
372
00:14:45,890 --> 00:14:49,026
I am serious. And don't call me Leslie.
373
00:14:49,027 --> 00:14:52,396
Argh... You really do find a way
to screw everything up.
374
00:14:52,397 --> 00:14:55,766
If I screwed up so bad,
how come I'm a billionaire?
375
00:14:55,767 --> 00:14:57,267
Billionaire? Please.
376
00:14:57,268 --> 00:14:59,637
You're worth $700 mil on the high side.
377
00:14:59,638 --> 00:15:02,272
And most of that is borrowed
or tied up and underwater.
378
00:15:02,273 --> 00:15:04,575
That's why you ain't
releasin' your taxes, Trump.
379
00:15:04,576 --> 00:15:06,376
You're cash poor!
380
00:15:06,377 --> 00:15:08,378
Say that again.
381
00:15:08,379 --> 00:15:10,047
I dare you.
382
00:15:10,048 --> 00:15:11,548
You...
383
00:15:11,549 --> 00:15:13,217
are cash...
384
00:15:13,218 --> 00:15:14,785
poor.
385
00:15:15,787 --> 00:15:18,322
♪
386
00:15:20,558 --> 00:15:22,759
(GRUNTING)
387
00:15:27,565 --> 00:15:28,565
(YELLING)
388
00:15:28,566 --> 00:15:30,434
(GRUNTS)
389
00:15:30,435 --> 00:15:32,603
Peter! Catch!
390
00:15:32,604 --> 00:15:35,772
Kill him in front of me, and I sex you.
391
00:15:35,773 --> 00:15:36,873
Yah!
392
00:15:38,443 --> 00:15:40,143
(GRUNTING)
393
00:15:43,648 --> 00:15:46,283
(PETER AND TRUMP GRUNTING)
394
00:15:46,284 --> 00:15:47,684
Yah!
395
00:15:55,226 --> 00:15:56,260
(PANTING)
396
00:15:56,261 --> 00:15:57,594
(YELLING)
397
00:16:01,266 --> 00:16:02,399
(PETER PANTING)
398
00:16:13,945 --> 00:16:14,978
Aah!
399
00:16:14,979 --> 00:16:16,346
(YELLS)
400
00:16:18,283 --> 00:16:19,583
Yah!
401
00:16:22,954 --> 00:16:24,955
♪
402
00:16:28,593 --> 00:16:30,160
(BUZZING)
403
00:16:30,161 --> 00:16:32,529
(REPEATED BUZZING)
404
00:16:42,173 --> 00:16:44,174
MALE REPORTER: Sarah, any update?
405
00:16:44,175 --> 00:16:46,677
I haven't had the chance
to ask the president
406
00:16:46,678 --> 00:16:48,779
if he is fighting with Peter Griffin.
407
00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:50,480
Oh!
408
00:16:52,517 --> 00:16:54,551
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
409
00:17:01,059 --> 00:17:03,627
(GRUNTING)
410
00:17:03,628 --> 00:17:06,029
- Yah!
- Yah!
411
00:17:13,404 --> 00:17:15,339
- (ZAPPING)
- (SCREAMING)
412
00:17:17,709 --> 00:17:19,109
(GASPING)
413
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:21,144
(YELLING)
414
00:17:26,984 --> 00:17:28,985
(CHEERING)
415
00:17:33,157 --> 00:17:34,858
I wrote that one.
416
00:17:34,859 --> 00:17:37,611
Why are we so damn divided, America?
417
00:17:37,612 --> 00:17:39,196
♪
418
00:17:39,197 --> 00:17:41,198
(GRUNTING)
419
00:17:48,406 --> 00:17:50,197
(OVER HEADPHONES):
...making Neil Armstrong
420
00:17:50,198 --> 00:17:52,409
the first man to walk on the Moon.
421
00:17:52,410 --> 00:17:54,411
Who knows,
maybe someone listening to this
422
00:17:54,412 --> 00:17:57,180
might be the first chicken
to walk on the Moon.
423
00:17:57,181 --> 00:17:58,615
♪
424
00:18:02,854 --> 00:18:05,455
(PEOPLE GASP)
425
00:18:06,724 --> 00:18:09,059
I got a sillier plane.
426
00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:11,962
♪
427
00:18:19,270 --> 00:18:22,472
(YELLING)
428
00:18:26,477 --> 00:18:28,478
(YELPING, GRUNTING)
429
00:18:30,248 --> 00:18:31,681
(BOTH YELL)
430
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:37,487
(GRUNTING)
431
00:18:39,056 --> 00:18:40,757
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
432
00:18:40,758 --> 00:18:42,209
Peter!
433
00:18:43,594 --> 00:18:45,095
Grab my hand!
434
00:18:45,096 --> 00:18:46,830
(GRUNTING)
435
00:18:46,831 --> 00:18:48,999
I can't! It's too little!
436
00:18:50,601 --> 00:18:52,269
(METALLIC CREAKING)
437
00:18:52,270 --> 00:18:54,037
(GRUNTS)
438
00:18:54,038 --> 00:18:55,305
(SCREAMING)
439
00:19:02,113 --> 00:19:04,448
(LOUD DEFLATING)
440
00:19:05,683 --> 00:19:08,318
Wha...? Who... who put this here?
441
00:19:08,319 --> 00:19:11,288
MAN (CHUCKLES):
I did. Sure hope that's okay.
442
00:19:11,289 --> 00:19:14,291
("O CANADA" PLAYING)"
443
00:19:16,794 --> 00:19:18,628
(GASPS) Justin Trudeau?
444
00:19:18,629 --> 00:19:20,997
The hunky prime minister of Canada?
445
00:19:20,998 --> 00:19:22,566
He's not that hunky.
446
00:19:22,567 --> 00:19:24,634
Very weak borders.
447
00:19:24,635 --> 00:19:26,203
I was just kayakin' past,
448
00:19:26,204 --> 00:19:28,638
and it looked like
you guys could use some help.
449
00:19:28,639 --> 00:19:30,474
- Everything okay?
- No, yeah, we're good.
450
00:19:30,475 --> 00:19:32,309
He touched my daughter,
but I punched him,
451
00:19:32,310 --> 00:19:34,377
like, a hundred times,
so we're fine now.
452
00:19:34,378 --> 00:19:36,680
I punched you, like, a million times.
453
00:19:36,681 --> 00:19:38,582
I punched you infinity times.
454
00:19:38,583 --> 00:19:41,985
I punched you infinity plus one times.
455
00:19:41,986 --> 00:19:43,820
- Damn it!
- Right on!
456
00:19:43,821 --> 00:19:46,590
Well, then, I'll just go do
some awesome Canada stuff.
457
00:19:46,591 --> 00:19:49,392
Hey, call me if you
ever need help movin'.
458
00:19:49,393 --> 00:19:51,061
(GEESE HONKING)
459
00:19:51,062 --> 00:19:53,497
Trudeau, away...!
460
00:19:54,732 --> 00:19:56,099
That guy's the best.
461
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:58,235
You know who's really the best?
462
00:19:58,236 --> 00:20:00,537
Putin. Putin's the best.
463
00:20:00,538 --> 00:20:03,573
Yes, he is. Putin is the best.
464
00:20:03,574 --> 00:20:05,408
Ha! I write this part.
465
00:20:05,409 --> 00:20:07,844
Am I not to be a stinker?
466
00:20:07,845 --> 00:20:11,992
Bye-bye, American
situation comedy with drawings.
467
00:20:17,475 --> 00:20:19,476
I'm glad we're back in Quahog.
468
00:20:19,477 --> 00:20:22,545
And just in time to see
my appearance on Jeopardy!
469
00:20:22,546 --> 00:20:24,381
- Peter?
- What is...
470
00:20:24,382 --> 00:20:26,583
it like to have an erection?
471
00:20:26,584 --> 00:20:30,453
I'm sorry, we were looking for
"the electromagnetic spectrum."
472
00:20:30,454 --> 00:20:32,400
Betty, still your board.
473
00:20:32,401 --> 00:20:34,591
I was not included in the final round.
474
00:20:34,592 --> 00:20:37,594
I'll tell you one thing, I'm
not gonna miss Washington, D.C.
475
00:20:37,595 --> 00:20:41,262
Well, we had a lot of fun this
week and changed zero minds.
476
00:20:41,263 --> 00:20:43,267
If you want to learn more
about our president,
477
00:20:43,268 --> 00:20:45,066
consult the steele dossier,
478
00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:47,423
which is all about getting peed on.
479
00:20:47,424 --> 00:20:49,572
He also, with whole heart
and full throat,
480
00:20:49,573 --> 00:20:52,142
endorsed a pedophile
for the United States Senate.
481
00:20:52,143 --> 00:20:54,310
That didn't fit
into tonight's narrative,
482
00:20:54,311 --> 00:20:55,567
but should not be forgotten.
483
00:20:55,568 --> 00:20:57,947
And I am a proud hat owner.
484
00:20:57,948 --> 00:20:59,471
Shut up, Meg.
485
00:20:59,472 --> 00:21:02,761
From our family to yours,
we're very frightened.
486
00:21:03,952 --> 00:21:07,452
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
-- www.addic7ed.com --