1 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,250 I said to him, Give her up. I swore by all I held most sacred - 2 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,880 One morning as I was sitting stitching by the open window 3 00:00:57,930 --> 00:00:59,360 she burst in and flew at me. 4 00:00:59,370 --> 00:01:01,100 Give him up, she screamed, he's mine. 5 00:01:01,110 --> 00:01:02,040 Her photographs were kind to her. 6 00:01:02,050 --> 00:01:03,800 Seeing her now for the first time full length 7 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,660 in the flesh I understood why he preferred me. 8 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,660 We were not long together when she smelled the rat. 9 00:01:07,670 --> 00:01:10,110 Give up that whore, she said, or I'll cut my throat - pardon - 10 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,320 so help me God. 11 00:01:11,330 --> 00:01:12,720 I knew she could have no proof. 12 00:01:12,730 --> 00:01:14,240 So I told her I did not know what she was talking about. 13 00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:15,870 What are you talking about? I said, stitching away. 14 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,150 Someone yours? Give up whom? 15 00:01:17,150 --> 00:01:19,150 I smell you off him, she screamed, he stinks of bitch. 16 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,000 Though I had him dogged for months by a first-rate man, 17 00:01:21,010 --> 00:01:22,010 no shadow of proof was forthcoming. 18 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,760 And there was no denying that he continued as... 19 00:01:23,930 --> 00:01:26,220 assiduous as ever. This, and his horror 20 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,110 of the merely Platonic thing, made me sometimes wonder 21 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,280 if I were not accusing him unjustly. Yes. 22 00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:31,000 What have you to complain of? I said. Have I been neglecting you? 23 00:01:31,010 --> 00:01:31,960 How could we be together 24 00:01:31,970 --> 00:01:33,040 in the way we are 25 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,730 if there were someone else? Loving her as I did, 26 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,490 with all my heart, I could not but feel sorry for her. 27 00:01:36,570 --> 00:01:37,800 Fearing she was about to offer me violence 28 00:01:37,810 --> 00:01:39,390 I rang for Frontin and had her shown out. 29 00:01:39,470 --> 00:01:41,370 Her parting words, as he could testify, 30 00:01:41,370 --> 00:01:43,850 if he is still living, and has not forgotten, coming and going on the earth, 31 00:01:43,860 --> 00:01:44,830 letting people in, showing people out, 32 00:01:44,830 --> 00:01:46,140 were to the effect that she would settle my hash. 33 00:01:46,220 --> 00:01:48,250 I confess this did alarm me a little, at the time. 34 00:01:48,490 --> 00:01:49,960 She was not convinced. I might have known. 35 00:01:49,970 --> 00:01:51,900 I smell her off you, she kept saying. 36 00:01:51,950 --> 00:01:53,890 There was no answer to this. So I took her in my arms 37 00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:55,150 and swore I could not live without her. 38 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:56,990 I meant it, what is more. Yes, I am sure I did. 39 00:01:56,990 --> 00:01:57,790 She did not repulse me. 40 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,880 Judge then of my astonishment when one fine morning, 41 00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:01,800 as I was sitting stricken in the morning room, 42 00:02:01,950 --> 00:02:04,840 he slunk in, fell on his knees before me, 43 00:02:04,930 --> 00:02:07,400 buried his face in my lap and... confessed 44 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,170 She put a bloodhound on me, 45 00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:11,000 but I had a little chat with him. He was glad of the extra money. 46 00:02:11,050 --> 00:02:12,100 Why don't you get out, I said, 47 00:02:12,110 --> 00:02:13,860 when he started moaning about his home life, 48 00:02:13,870 --> 00:02:16,130 there is obviously nothing between you any more. Or is there? 49 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,130 I confess my first feeling was one of wonderment. What a male! 50 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,040 Anything between us, he said, 51 00:02:21,050 --> 00:02:22,690 what do you take me for, a something machine? 52 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,690 And of course with him no danger of the spiritual thing. 53 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,260 Then why don't you get out? I said. 54 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:28,020 I sometimes wondered if he was not 55 00:02:28,020 --> 00:02:28,850 living with her for her money. 56 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,190 The next thing was the scene between them. 57 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:31,740 I can't have her crashing in here, she said, 58 00:02:31,750 --> 00:02:33,970 threatening to take my life. I must have looked incredulous. 59 00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:35,480 Ask Frontin, she said, if you don't believe me. 60 00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:37,210 But she threatens to take her own, I said. 61 00:02:37,220 --> 00:02:39,500 Not yours? she said. No, I said, hers. 62 00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:41,180 -We had a good laugh. -Then I forgave him. 63 00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:42,920 To what will love not stoop! 64 00:02:43,020 --> 00:02:45,710 I suggested a little jaunt to celebrate, to the Riviera, 65 00:02:45,810 --> 00:02:48,570 or our darling Grand Canary. He was looking pale. Peaked. 66 00:02:48,670 --> 00:02:50,780 But this was not possible just then. Professional commitments. 67 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,280 She came again. Just strolled in. All honey. 68 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,080 Licking her lips. Poor thing. 69 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:56,740 I was doing my nails, by the open window. 70 00:02:56,750 --> 00:02:58,530 He has told me all about it, she said. Who he, I said, 71 00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:00,080 filing away, and what it? 72 00:03:00,170 --> 00:03:01,820 I know what torture you must be going through, she said, 73 00:03:01,830 --> 00:03:03,160 and I have dropped in to say I bear you no ill-feeling. 74 00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:05,160 -I rang for Frontin. -Then I got frightened and made a clean breast of it. 75 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,730 She was looking more and more desperate. 76 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,180 She had a razor in her vanity-bag. 77 00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:09,860 Adulterers, take warning, never admit. 78 00:03:09,870 --> 00:03:11,390 When I was satisfied it was all over 79 00:03:11,460 --> 00:03:13,900 I went to have a gloat. Just a common tart. 80 00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:16,240 What he could have found in her when he had me - 81 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,580 When he came again we had it out. 82 00:03:17,590 --> 00:03:19,100 I felt like death. He went on about why 83 00:03:19,150 --> 00:03:21,460 he had to tell her. Too risky and so on. 84 00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:22,440 There was no end to it. 85 00:03:22,450 --> 00:03:24,780 That meant he had gone back to her. Back to that! 86 00:03:24,930 --> 00:03:27,000 Pudding face, puffy, spots, 87 00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:29,440 blubber mouth, jowls, dugs you could - 88 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,340 He went on and on. I could hear a mower. 89 00:03:31,350 --> 00:03:33,240 An old hand mower. I stopped him and said that 90 00:03:33,330 --> 00:03:34,300 whatever I might feel 91 00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:35,840 I had no silly threats to offer - 92 00:03:35,930 --> 00:03:37,940 but not much stomach for her leavings either. 93 00:03:37,950 --> 00:03:39,020 He thought that over for a bit. 94 00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:41,060 -Calves like a flunkey - -When I saw her again she knew. 95 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:43,040 She was looking - wretched. Pardon. 96 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,570 Some fool was cutting grass. A little rush, then another. 97 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:47,820 The problem was how to convince her that no... 98 00:03:47,830 --> 00:03:50,300 revival of intimacy was involved. I couldn't. I might have known. 99 00:03:50,460 --> 00:03:51,420 So I took her in my arms 100 00:03:51,430 --> 00:03:52,910 and said I could not go on living without her. 101 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:53,950 I don't believe I could have. 102 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:55,730 The only solution was to go away together. 103 00:03:55,740 --> 00:03:56,990 He swore we should as soon as he had 104 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,050 put his affairs in order. 105 00:03:58,060 --> 00:03:59,330 In the meantime we were to carry on as before. 106 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,100 By that he meant as best we could. 107 00:04:01,930 --> 00:04:03,770 So he was mine again. All mine. 108 00:04:03,970 --> 00:04:06,430 I was happy again. I went about singing. 109 00:04:06,450 --> 00:04:08,350 -The world - -A single watchword at home 110 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,410 open your heart, new leaf and bygones bygones. 111 00:04:10,610 --> 00:04:11,720 I ran into your ex-doxy, 112 00:04:11,730 --> 00:04:13,480 she said one night, on the pillow, you're well out of that. 113 00:04:13,530 --> 00:04:15,740 Rather uncalled for, I thought. I am indeed, sweetheart, I said, I am indeed. 114 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,940 God what vermin women. Thanks to you, angel, I said. 115 00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:20,660 -Then I began to smell her off him again. Yes. -When he stopped coming... 116 00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:22,380 I was prepared. More or less. 117 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,320 Finally it was all too much. I simply could no longer - 118 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,080 Before I could do anything he disappeared. 119 00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:28,020 That meant she had won. That slut! 120 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:29,070 I couldn't credit it 121 00:04:29,340 --> 00:04:30,770 I lay stricken for weeks. 122 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,510 Then I drove over to her place. 123 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,000 It was all bolted and barred. All grey with frozen dew. 124 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:35,850 On the way back by Ash and Snodland - 125 00:04:35,930 --> 00:04:37,640 -I simply could no longer. -It was All Saints' Day. 126 00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:39,150 I made a bundle of his things and burnt them 127 00:04:39,220 --> 00:04:40,940 It was November and the bonfire was going. 128 00:04:41,230 --> 00:04:42,770 All night I smelt them smouldering. 129 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,730 When first this change I actually thanked God. 130 00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:51,280 I thought, It is done, it is said, now all is going out. 131 00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:53,740 Mercy, mercy, tongue still hanging out for mercy. It will come. 132 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,970 You haven't seen me. But you will. Then it will come. 133 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:57,970 To say I am not disappointed, no, I am. 134 00:04:57,980 --> 00:05:00,210 I had anticipated something better. More restful. 135 00:05:00,350 --> 00:05:01,790 Or you will weary of me. Let go of me. 136 00:05:01,870 --> 00:05:04,380 Down, all going down, into the dark, peace is coming, 137 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,650 I thought, after all, at last, I was right, after all, 138 00:05:06,730 --> 00:05:08,200 thank God, when first this change. 139 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,920 Less confused. Less confusing. 140 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,650 At the same time I prefer this to... the other thing. Definitely. 141 00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:14,250 There are endurable moments. 142 00:05:14,410 --> 00:05:16,100 -I thought. -When you go out - and I go out. 143 00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:17,940 Some day you will tire of me and go out... for good. 144 00:05:18,010 --> 00:05:18,890 Hellish half-light. 145 00:05:18,990 --> 00:05:20,900 Peace, yes, I suppose, a kind of peace, 146 00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:22,650 and all that pain as if... never been. 147 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:23,860 Give me up, as a bad job 148 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,760 and you go harass someone else. On the other hand 149 00:05:26,030 --> 00:05:28,430 -Get off me. Coward! -It will come. 150 00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:30,020 Must come. This is madness. 151 00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:31,870 On the other hand, things can get worse, 152 00:05:31,930 --> 00:05:34,360 -There is that danger. -Oh of course I know now, 153 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:35,840 Is it that I do not tell the truth, 154 00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:38,730 is that it, that some day somehow I may tell the truth at last 155 00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:40,730 and then no more light at last, for the truth? 156 00:05:40,890 --> 00:05:41,790 You might get angry 157 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,410 and blaze me clean out of my wits. Mightn't you? 158 00:05:43,540 --> 00:05:45,660 I know now, all that was just... play. 159 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:46,700 And all this? When will all this... 160 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,130 -Is that it? -Mightn't you? 161 00:05:48,330 --> 00:05:50,590 All this, when will all this have been... just play? 162 00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:52,960 I can do nothing... for anybody... anymore... thank God. 163 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,160 So it must be something I have to say. 164 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,450 -How the mind works still! -But I doubt it. 165 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:58,840 It would not be like you somehow. 166 00:05:58,890 --> 00:06:01,150 And you must know I am doing my best. Or don't you? 167 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,430 Perhaps they have become friends. 168 00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:04,590 -Perhaps sorrow - -But I have said all I can. 169 00:06:05,170 --> 00:06:06,780 All you let me. All I - 170 00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:08,270 Perhaps sorrow has brought them together. 171 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:10,890 No doubt I make the same mistake as when it was the sun that shone, 172 00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:12,210 of looking for sense 173 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,550 where possibly there is none. 174 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,170 Perhaps they meet, and sit, 175 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,180 over a cup of that green tea they both so loved, 176 00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:19,870 without milk or sugar, not even a squeeze of lemon 177 00:06:20,050 --> 00:06:22,040 Are you listening to me? Is anyone listening to me? 178 00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:23,140 Is anyone looking at me? 179 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,680 Is anyone bothering about me at all? 180 00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:25,530 Not even a squeeze of - 181 00:06:25,610 --> 00:06:27,620 Is it something I should do with my face, other than utter? 182 00:06:28,140 --> 00:06:30,530 -Weep? -Am I taboo, I wonder. 183 00:06:30,650 --> 00:06:32,610 Not necessarily, now that all danger is averted. 184 00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:34,480 That poor creature - I can hear her - 185 00:06:34,490 --> 00:06:35,570 that poor creature - 186 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,150 Bite off my tongue and swallow it?? 187 00:06:37,210 --> 00:06:38,750 Spit it out? Would that placate you? 188 00:06:39,150 --> 00:06:40,640 How the mind works still to be sure! 189 00:06:40,820 --> 00:06:42,730 Meet, and sit, now in the one dear place, 190 00:06:42,740 --> 00:06:44,240 now in the other, and sorrow together, and compare - 191 00:06:44,340 --> 00:06:45,630 pardon - happy memories. 192 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:46,760 If only I could think 193 00:06:46,890 --> 00:06:48,900 There is no sense in this, none whatsoever. I can't. 194 00:06:48,940 --> 00:06:50,460 That poor creature who tried to seduce you, 195 00:06:50,470 --> 00:06:51,790 what ever became of her, do you suppose? 196 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,080 I can hear her. Poor thing. 197 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,420 Personally I always preferred Lipton's. 198 00:06:54,450 --> 00:06:56,540 And that all is falling, all fallen, from the beginning, on empty air. 199 00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:58,000 Nothing being asked at all. 200 00:06:58,480 --> 00:06:59,630 No one asking me for anything at all. 201 00:06:59,870 --> 00:07:01,120 They might even feel sorry for me, 202 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:01,900 if they could see me. 203 00:07:01,910 --> 00:07:03,280 But never so sorry as I for them. 204 00:07:03,460 --> 00:07:05,560 -I can't. -Kissing their sour kisses. 205 00:07:05,610 --> 00:07:06,670 I pity them in any case, yes, 206 00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:08,750 compare my lot with theirs, however blessed, and - 207 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,180 I can't. The mind won't have it. 208 00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:11,890 -It would have to go. Yes. -Pity them. 209 00:07:12,010 --> 00:07:14,490 What do you do when you go out? Sift? 210 00:07:14,690 --> 00:07:15,760 Am I hiding something? 211 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:16,410 Have I lost - 212 00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:17,940 She had means, I fancy, 213 00:07:18,030 --> 00:07:19,260 though she lived like a pig. 214 00:07:19,370 --> 00:07:21,810 Like dragging a great roller, on a scorching day. 215 00:07:22,190 --> 00:07:24,240 The strain... to get it moving, momentum coming - 216 00:07:26,210 --> 00:07:27,880 Kill it and strain again. 217 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,450 Have I lost... the thing you want? 218 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:30,880 Why go out? Why go - 219 00:07:30,940 --> 00:07:32,820 And you perhaps pitying me, thinking, 220 00:07:32,830 --> 00:07:34,110 Poor thing, she needs a rest 221 00:07:34,190 --> 00:07:35,340 Perhaps she has taken him away to live... 222 00:07:35,490 --> 00:07:36,360 somewhere in the sun. 223 00:07:36,420 --> 00:07:37,760 Why go down? Why not - 224 00:07:37,850 --> 00:07:39,610 -I don't know. -Maybe she's here somewhere, 225 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,950 sitting in front of the open window, her hands folded in her lap, 226 00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:44,880 gazing down out over the olives - 227 00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:46,260 Why not keep on glaring at me without ceasing? 228 00:07:46,290 --> 00:07:48,260 I might start to rave and - bring it up for you 229 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:49,230 -Par -No. -don. 230 00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:50,620 Gazing down out over the olives, then the sea, 231 00:07:50,630 --> 00:07:52,020 wondering what can be keeping him, 232 00:07:52,060 --> 00:07:55,260 growing cold. Shadow stealing over everything. 233 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:56,810 Creeping. Yes. 234 00:07:56,990 --> 00:07:58,290 To think we were never together - 235 00:07:58,540 --> 00:08:00,290 Am I not perhaps a little unhinged already? 236 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:01,950 Poor creature. Poor creatures. 237 00:08:02,020 --> 00:08:03,700 Never woke together, on a May morning, 238 00:08:03,790 --> 00:08:05,280 the first to wake to wake the other two. 239 00:08:05,290 --> 00:08:07,060 -Then in a little dinghy - -Penitence, 240 00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:09,800 yes, at a pinch, atonement, one was resigned, but no, 241 00:08:10,060 --> 00:08:12,740 -that does not seem to be the point either. -I say, 242 00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:14,780 Am I not perhaps a little unhinged already? 243 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,340 Just a little? I doubt it. 244 00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:19,980 -A little dinghy - -Silence and darkness, 245 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,730 were all I craved. Well, I get... 246 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,580 a certain amount of both. They being one. 247 00:08:24,850 --> 00:08:26,760 Perhaps it is more wickedness to pray for more. 248 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,080 A little dinghy, on the river. 249 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:29,540 I resting on my oars, 250 00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:32,160 they lolling on air-pillows in the stern... sheets. Drifting. Such fantasies. 251 00:08:32,570 --> 00:08:34,490 -Hellish half-light. -A shade gone. 252 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:37,120 In the head. Just a shade. I doubt it.. 253 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,570 -We were not civilized. -Dying for dark. 254 00:08:40,030 --> 00:08:42,270 and the darker the worse. Strange. 255 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,940 -Such fantasies. Then. And now - -I doubt it. 256 00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:49,940 Yes, and the whole thing there, all there, staring you in the face. 257 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,140 You'll see it. Get off me. Or weary. 258 00:08:52,530 --> 00:08:54,130 And now that you are just... an eye. 259 00:08:54,190 --> 00:08:56,220 Just looking. At my face. On and off 260 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,540 Weary of playing with me. Get off me. Yes. 261 00:08:59,730 --> 00:09:01,360 Looking for something. On my face. 262 00:09:01,490 --> 00:09:03,250 Some truth. In my eyes. Not even. 263 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,050 Eye without more. Without brain. 264 00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:07,900 Opening on me and closing. Am I only - 265 00:09:08,890 --> 00:09:10,610 Am I only... seen? 266 00:09:30,140 --> 00:09:32,440 I said to him, Give her up. I swore by all I held most sacred - 267 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,250 One morning as I was sitting stitching by the open window 268 00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:35,780 she burst in and flew at me. 269 00:09:35,820 --> 00:09:37,630 Give him up, she screamed, he's mine. 270 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:38,500 Her photographs were kind to her. 271 00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:40,410 Seeing her now for the first time full length 272 00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:42,540 in the flesh I understood why he preferred me. 273 00:09:42,730 --> 00:09:45,020 We were not long together when she smelled the rat. 274 00:09:45,310 --> 00:09:48,050 Give up that whore, she said, or I'll cut my throat - pardon - 275 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,200 so help me God. 276 00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:51,200 I knew she could have no proof 277 00:09:51,310 --> 00:09:52,920 So I told her I did not know what she was talking about. 278 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:53,650 What are you talking about? 279 00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:54,670 I said, stitching away. 280 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:55,890 Someone yours? Give up whom? 281 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:57,960 I smell you off him, she screamed, he stinks of bitch. 282 00:09:58,020 --> 00:09:59,500 What have you to complain of? I said. Have I been neglecting you? 283 00:09:59,740 --> 00:10:00,750 How could we be together 284 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:01,790 in the way we are 285 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,860 if there were someone else? Loving her as I did, 286 00:10:03,940 --> 00:10:05,930 with all my heart, I could not but feel sorry for her. 287 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,050 Though I had him dogged for months by a first-rate man, 288 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:09,230 no shadow of proof was forthcoming. 289 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,160 And there was no denying that he continued as... 290 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,270 assiduous as ever. 291 00:10:12,330 --> 00:10:13,810 This, and his horror 292 00:10:13,970 --> 00:10:15,540 of the merely Platonic thing, made me sometimes wonder 293 00:10:15,610 --> 00:10:17,540 if I were not accusing him unjustly. Yes. 294 00:10:17,790 --> 00:10:19,160 Fearing she was about to offer me violence 295 00:10:19,330 --> 00:10:20,910 I rang for Frontin and had her shown out. 296 00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:23,100 Her parting words, as he could testify, 297 00:10:23,180 --> 00:10:24,680 if he is still living, and has not forgotten, 298 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,000 coming and going on the earth, 299 00:10:26,050 --> 00:10:27,020 letting people in, showing people out, 300 00:10:27,150 --> 00:10:28,450 were to the effect that she would settle my hash. 301 00:10:28,530 --> 00:10:30,680 I confess this did alarm me a little, at the time. 302 00:10:30,990 --> 00:10:32,510 She was not convinced. I might have known. 303 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,730 I smell her off you, she kept saying. 304 00:10:34,830 --> 00:10:35,680 There was no answer to this. 305 00:10:35,740 --> 00:10:36,680 So I took her in my arms 306 00:10:36,690 --> 00:10:38,000 and swore I could not live without her. 307 00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:40,220 I meant it, what is more. Yes, I am sure I did. 308 00:10:40,270 --> 00:10:41,120 She did not repulse me. 309 00:10:41,410 --> 00:10:42,770 Why don't you get out, I said, 310 00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:44,510 when he started moaning about his home life, 311 00:10:44,530 --> 00:10:46,860 there is obviously nothing between you any more. Or is there? 312 00:10:47,150 --> 00:10:49,470 Judge then of my astonishment when one fine morning, 313 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,640 as I was sitting stricken in the morning room, 314 00:10:52,090 --> 00:10:55,120 he slunk in, fell on his knees before me, 315 00:10:55,330 --> 00:10:56,740 buried his face in my lap and... 316 00:10:57,020 --> 00:10:57,930 confessed. 317 00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,240 Anything between us, he said, 318 00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:00,810 what do you take me for, a something machine? 319 00:11:00,830 --> 00:11:03,400 And of course with him no danger of the spiritual thing. 320 00:11:03,550 --> 00:11:05,100 Then why don't you get out? I said. 321 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,500 I sometimes wondered if he was not 322 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,960 living with her for her money. 323 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,400 She put a bloodhound on me, but I had a little chat with him. 324 00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:12,400 -He was glad of the extra money. -I confess my first feeling was, 325 00:11:12,490 --> 00:11:14,400 one of wonderment. What a male! 326 00:11:15,970 --> 00:11:16,830 Then I forgave him. 327 00:11:16,990 --> 00:11:18,560 To what will love not stoop! 328 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,760 I suggested a little jaunt to celebrate, to the Riviera, 329 00:11:22,060 --> 00:11:23,650 or our darling Grand Canary. 330 00:11:23,790 --> 00:11:26,500 He was looking pale. Peaked. But this was not possible just then. 331 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,650 -Professional commitments. -She came again. 332 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,300 Just strolled in. All honey. 333 00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:32,300 Licking her lips. Poor thing. 334 00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:34,050 I was doing my nails, by the open window. 335 00:11:34,170 --> 00:11:36,160 He has told me all about it, she said. Who he, I said, 336 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,790 filing away, and what it? 337 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,170 The next thing was the scene between them. 338 00:11:39,310 --> 00:11:40,830 I can't have her crashing in here, she said, 339 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,090 threatening to take my life. 340 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,380 I must have looked incredulous. 341 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:45,100 Ask Frontin, she said, if you don't believe me. 342 00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:46,810 When I was satisfied it was all over 343 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:48,660 I went to have a gloat. 344 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,140 Just a common tart. 345 00:11:50,530 --> 00:11:52,940 What he could have found in her when he had me - 346 00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:54,530 Then I got frightened and made a clean breast of it. 347 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,120 She was looking more and more desperate. 348 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:57,730 She had a razor in her vanity-bag. 349 00:11:57,810 --> 00:11:59,730 Adulterers, take warning, never admit. 350 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,210 Pudding face, puffy, spots, 351 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,860 blubber mouth, jowls, dugs you could - 352 00:12:05,060 --> 00:12:06,060 When he came again we had it out. 353 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,860 I felt like death. He went on about why 354 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,350 he had to tell her. Too risky and so on. 355 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:11,470 There was no end to it. 356 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,980 That meant he had gone back to her. Back to that! 357 00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:15,280 Calves like a flunkey - 358 00:12:15,450 --> 00:12:17,360 He went on and on. I could hear a mower. 359 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,540 An old hand mower. I stopped him and said that 360 00:12:19,620 --> 00:12:20,730 whatever I might feel 361 00:12:20,770 --> 00:12:22,370 I had no silly threats to offer - 362 00:12:22,510 --> 00:12:23,800 but not much stomach 363 00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:24,650 for her leavings either. 364 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,750 -He thought that over for a bit. -When I saw her again she knew. 365 00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:28,750 She was looking - wretched. Pardon. 366 00:12:28,980 --> 00:12:30,350 Some fool was cutting grass. 367 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:31,790 A little rush, then another. 368 00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:33,180 The problem was how to convince her that 369 00:12:33,180 --> 00:12:35,060 It’s not about a... revival of intimacy. 370 00:12:35,220 --> 00:12:37,050 I couldn't. I might have known.. 371 00:12:37,180 --> 00:12:38,270 So I took her in my arms 372 00:12:38,270 --> 00:12:39,940 and said I could not go on living without her. 373 00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:41,130 I don't believe I could have. 374 00:12:41,290 --> 00:12:43,170 So he was mine again. All mine. 375 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,410 I was happy again. I went about singing. 376 00:12:46,820 --> 00:12:48,730 -The world - -A single watchword at home 377 00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:50,970 open your heart, new leaf and bygones bygones. 378 00:12:51,260 --> 00:12:52,520 I ran into your ex-doxy, 379 00:12:52,530 --> 00:12:54,420 she said one night, on the pillow, you're well out of that. 380 00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:56,990 Rather uncalled for, I thought. I am indeed, sweetheart, I said, I am indeed. 381 00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:59,490 God what vermin women. Thanks to you, angel, I said. 382 00:12:59,630 --> 00:13:01,380 The only solution was to go away together. 383 00:13:01,420 --> 00:13:02,770 He swore we should as soon as he had 384 00:13:02,780 --> 00:13:03,870 put his affairs in order. 385 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,370 In the meantime we were to carry on as before. 386 00:13:05,380 --> 00:13:07,220 By that he meant as best we could. 387 00:13:07,290 --> 00:13:08,820 Then I began to smell her off him again. Yes. 388 00:13:08,890 --> 00:13:10,520 Finally it was all too much. I simply could no longer - 389 00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:13,730 When he stopped coming... I was prepared. More or less. 390 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:14,730 I simply could no longer. 391 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,600 Before I could do anything he disappeared. 392 00:13:16,890 --> 00:13:19,010 That meant she had won. That slut! 393 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,190 I couldn't credit it 394 00:13:20,420 --> 00:13:21,760 I lay stricken for weeks. 395 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,890 Then I drove over to her place. 396 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,260 It was all bolted and barred. All grey with frozen dew. 397 00:13:26,570 --> 00:13:28,200 On the way back by Ash... 398 00:13:28,660 --> 00:13:31,100 It was All Saints' Day. I made a bundle of his things and burnt them. 399 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,220 It was November and the bonfire was going. 400 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,090 All night I smelt them smouldering. 401 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,300 Mercy, mercy, tongue still hanging out for mercy. It will come. 402 00:13:43,370 --> 00:13:45,520 You haven't seen me. But you will. Then it will come. 403 00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:47,580 To say I am not disappointed, no, I am. 404 00:13:47,590 --> 00:13:50,050 I had anticipated something better. More restful. 405 00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:52,320 When first this change I actually thanked God. 406 00:13:52,370 --> 00:13:54,730 I thought, It is done, it is said, now all is going out. 407 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,740 Less confused. Less confusing. 408 00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:59,800 At the same time I prefer this to... the other thing. Definitely. 409 00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:01,310 There are endurable moments. 410 00:14:01,390 --> 00:14:04,090 Down, all going down, into the dark, peace is coming, 411 00:14:04,180 --> 00:14:06,690 I thought, after all, at last, I was right, after all, 412 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,080 thank God, when first this change. 413 00:14:08,490 --> 00:14:09,940 Or you will weary of me. Let go of me. 414 00:14:10,010 --> 00:14:11,200 -I thought. -Hellish half-light. 415 00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:12,560 When you go out - and I go out. 416 00:14:12,610 --> 00:14:14,740 Some day you will tire of me and go out... for good. 417 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,810 Peace, yes, I suppose, a kind of peace, 418 00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:18,900 and all that pain as if... never been. 419 00:14:19,050 --> 00:14:21,310 Get off me. Coward! 420 00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:22,490 Give me up, as a bad job 421 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:23,900 and you go harass someone else. 422 00:14:23,910 --> 00:14:25,210 -On the other hand -It will come 423 00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:26,900 Must come. This is madness. 424 00:14:26,980 --> 00:14:28,680 On the other hand, things can get worse, 425 00:14:28,690 --> 00:14:31,390 -There is that danger. -Oh of course I know now, 426 00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:32,740 You might get angry and blaze 427 00:14:32,750 --> 00:14:33,920 me clean out of my wits. Mightn't you? 428 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,810 Is it that I do not tell the truth, 429 00:14:35,950 --> 00:14:38,170 is that it, that some day somehow 430 00:14:38,220 --> 00:14:40,910 I may tell the truth at last and then no more light at last 431 00:14:41,370 --> 00:14:43,020 -Is that it? -Mightn't you? 432 00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:45,530 I know now, all that was just... play. 433 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,570 -And all this? When will all this... -But I doubt it. 434 00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:48,920 It would not be like you somehow. 435 00:14:49,050 --> 00:14:51,460 And you must know I am doing my best. Or don't you? 436 00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:54,080 All this, when will all this have been... just play? 437 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,940 I can do nothing... for anybody... anymore... thank God. 438 00:14:57,470 --> 00:14:59,380 So it must be something I have to say. 439 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,210 -How the mind works still! -Perhaps they have become friends. 440 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,050 -Perhaps sorrow - -No doubt I make the same mistake 441 00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:05,740 as when it was the sun that shone, 442 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,600 of looking for sense where possibly there is none 443 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:09,730 But I have said all I can. 444 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,350 All you let me. All I - 445 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,360 Are you listening to me? Is anyone listening to me? 446 00:15:14,490 --> 00:15:15,570 Is anyone looking at me? 447 00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:17,120 Is anyone bothering about me at all? 448 00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:18,720 Perhaps sorrow has brought them together. 449 00:15:18,770 --> 00:15:21,460 Is it something I should do with my face, other than utter? Weep? 450 00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:23,310 Perhaps they meet, and sit, 451 00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:25,320 over a cup of that green tea they both so loved, 452 00:15:25,330 --> 00:15:27,360 without milk or sugar, not even a squeeze of lemon. 453 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,660 Am I taboo, I wonder. 454 00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:32,090 Not necessarily, now that all danger is averted. 455 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,050 That poor creature - I can hear her - 456 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,050 -that poor creature - -Not even a squeeze of - 457 00:15:36,290 --> 00:15:37,850 Bite off my tongue and swallow it?? 458 00:15:38,340 --> 00:15:40,420 Spit it out? Would that placate you? 459 00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:42,420 How the mind works still to be sure! 460 00:15:42,460 --> 00:15:44,080 That poor creature who tried to seduce you, 461 00:15:44,090 --> 00:15:45,680 what ever became of her, do you suppose? 462 00:15:45,690 --> 00:15:46,990 I can hear her. Poor thing. 463 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,160 Meet, and sit, now in the one dear place, 464 00:15:49,210 --> 00:15:51,000 now in the other, and sorrow together, and compare - 465 00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:52,640 pardon - happy memories. 466 00:15:52,820 --> 00:15:53,840 If only I could think. 467 00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:56,110 There is no sense in this, none whatsoever. I can't. 468 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,440 They might even feel sorry for me 469 00:15:57,450 --> 00:15:58,220 if they could see me. 470 00:15:58,230 --> 00:15:59,540 But never so sorry as I for them. 471 00:15:59,630 --> 00:16:02,060 And that all is falling, all fallen, from the beginning, on empty air. 472 00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:03,610 Nothing being asked at all. 473 00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:05,420 No one asking me for anything at all. 474 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:06,670 Personally I always preferred Lipton's. 475 00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:08,820 -I can't. -Kissing their sour kisses. 476 00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:11,680 I can't. The mind won't have it. It would have to go. Yes. 477 00:16:11,820 --> 00:16:12,990 I pity them in any case, yes, 478 00:16:13,020 --> 00:16:15,450 compare my lot with theirs, however blessed, and - 479 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:16,760 What do you do when you go out? 480 00:16:17,140 --> 00:16:18,510 -Sift? -Pity them. 481 00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:20,020 She had means, I fancy, 482 00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:21,610 though she lived like a pig. 483 00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,360 Am I hiding something? Have I lost - 484 00:16:23,410 --> 00:16:25,820 Like dragging a great roller, on a scorching day. 485 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,540 The strain... to get it moving, momentum coming - 486 00:16:31,170 --> 00:16:33,120 Kill it and strain again. 487 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,870 Perhaps she has taken him away to live... somewhere in the sun. 488 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,610 Have I lost... the thing you want? 489 00:16:37,770 --> 00:16:39,120 Why go out? Why go - 490 00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:41,060 And you perhaps pitying me, thinking, 491 00:16:41,090 --> 00:16:42,510 Poor thing, she needs a rest 492 00:16:42,820 --> 00:16:45,550 Maybe she's here somewhere, sitting in front of the open window, 493 00:16:45,930 --> 00:16:48,770 her hands folded in her lap, gazing down, 494 00:16:49,450 --> 00:16:51,210 -out over the olives - -I don't know. 495 00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:52,600 Why go down? Why not - 496 00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,080 Gazing down out over the olives, then the sea, 497 00:16:54,090 --> 00:16:55,630 wondering what can be keeping him, 498 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:56,780 growing cold. 499 00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:59,840 Shadow stealing over everything. Creeping. 500 00:17:00,530 --> 00:17:02,480 -Yes. -Why not keep on glaring at me without ceasing? 501 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:03,920 I might start to rave and - 502 00:17:04,060 --> 00:17:04,800 bring it up for you. 503 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:05,870 -Par -No. -don. 504 00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:07,460 Poor creature. Poor creatures. 505 00:17:07,530 --> 00:17:08,820 To think we were never together - 506 00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:09,880 Am I not perhaps a little... 507 00:17:10,190 --> 00:17:14,730 Penitence, yes, at a pinch, atonement, one was resigned, but no, 508 00:17:14,850 --> 00:17:16,530 that does not seem to be the point either. 509 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,290 Never woke together, on a May morning, 510 00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:20,090 the first to wake to wake the other two. 511 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:21,610 -Then in a little dinghy - -I say 512 00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:23,810 Am I not perhaps a little unhinged already? 513 00:17:24,430 --> 00:17:26,670 Just a little? I doubt it. 514 00:17:26,750 --> 00:17:28,280 -A little dinghy - -Silence and darkness, 515 00:17:28,570 --> 00:17:31,410 were all I craved. Well, I get... 516 00:17:31,490 --> 00:17:33,610 a certain amount of both. They being one. 517 00:17:33,780 --> 00:17:35,630 Perhaps it is more wickedness to pray for more. 518 00:17:35,650 --> 00:17:36,780 A little dinghy, on the river. 519 00:17:36,830 --> 00:17:38,500 I resting on my oars, 520 00:17:38,610 --> 00:17:40,060 they lolling on air-pillows in the stern... 521 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,520 -Such fantasies. -A shade gone. 522 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,620 In the head. Just a shade. I doubt it.. 523 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,500 -Beyond the olive trees... -We were not civilized. 524 00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:48,800 Dying for dark. 525 00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:50,910 and the darker the worse. 526 00:17:50,940 --> 00:17:52,910 I doubt it. 527 00:17:53,890 --> 00:17:55,600 Such fantasies. Then. And now - 528 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,140 and the whole thing there, all there, staring you in the face. 529 00:17:58,270 --> 00:18:00,660 You'll see it. Get off me. Or weary. 530 00:18:00,670 --> 00:18:02,220 And now that you are just... an eye. 531 00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,570 Just looking. At my face. On and off 532 00:18:04,580 --> 00:18:07,330 Weary of playing with me. Get off me. Yes. 533 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,100 Looking for something. On my face. 534 00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:11,130 Some truth. In my eyes. Not even. 535 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:13,260 Eye without more. Without brain. 536 00:18:13,270 --> 00:18:15,260 Opening on me and closing. Am I only - 537 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,740 Am I only... seen?