1 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:15,745 Fuck Wolverine. 2 00:02:16,558 --> 00:02:19,512 First, he rides my coattails with the R-rating. 3 00:02:19,537 --> 00:02:23,714 Then, the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying. 4 00:02:23,967 --> 00:02:25,670 What a dick! 5 00:02:25,990 --> 00:02:27,911 Well guess what, Wolvie? 6 00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:30,724 I'm dying in this one, too. 7 00:02:33,944 --> 00:02:38,318 To understand why I took a catnap on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel... 8 00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:42,091 I need to take you back to the doody slopes of six weeks ago. 9 00:02:42,107 --> 00:02:45,388 I've gone international. Taking on mass murderers, gangsters, 10 00:02:45,397 --> 00:02:47,271 unspeakable monsters. 11 00:02:47,279 --> 00:02:50,396 People nobody would touch. Except me. 12 00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:52,896 I'm gonna touch them all over. 13 00:02:55,893 --> 00:02:57,713 Hey. It's Gail calling. 14 00:02:57,721 --> 00:03:01,510 Love the shiny suit. Really brings out the sex trafficker in your eyes. 15 00:03:03,781 --> 00:03:07,125 I don't speak Cantonese, Mister... 16 00:03:08,086 --> 00:03:10,234 Well I'm not even gonna attempt that. 17 00:03:10,242 --> 00:03:12,882 But I did take eighth grade Spanish, so... 18 00:03:12,891 --> 00:03:14,890 Donde esta la biblioteca? 19 00:03:14,906 --> 00:03:17,171 Which literally translates to... 20 00:03:18,079 --> 00:03:20,946 "I don't bargain, pumpkin-fucker." 21 00:03:30,450 --> 00:03:32,606 Uno, dos, tres, quatr... 22 00:03:44,671 --> 00:03:47,085 I'll take a glitter off your glitter fucking vodka. 23 00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:49,585 I know it's called sea breeze. Don't make me say it. 24 00:03:50,124 --> 00:03:51,819 Hit it, Dolly. 25 00:04:08,852 --> 00:04:12,031 Taking the hands off the guns of the criminals. 26 00:04:19,353 --> 00:04:21,806 Do not go in there! 27 00:04:31,255 --> 00:04:34,074 Oh, God! Oh, God! Time out! Time out! 28 00:04:34,106 --> 00:04:37,645 Cut! Just like Cyclops, can't open my eyes. 29 00:04:40,783 --> 00:04:42,134 Fuck! 30 00:04:43,299 --> 00:04:45,095 Scoutmaster Kevin? 31 00:04:51,408 --> 00:04:52,993 Too exotic? 32 00:04:55,502 --> 00:04:58,454 My world tour brought me home to this guy. 33 00:04:58,478 --> 00:04:59,829 Sergei 34 00:04:59,846 --> 00:05:01,580 We'll get to him in a moment. 35 00:05:01,588 --> 00:05:03,173 Because I know what you're thinking. 36 00:05:03,190 --> 00:05:05,759 "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." 37 00:05:05,768 --> 00:05:07,330 But that's where you'd be wrong. 38 00:05:07,346 --> 00:05:10,275 That babysitter of yours, is high as fuck right now. 39 00:05:10,381 --> 00:05:11,849 And believe it or not... 40 00:05:11,861 --> 00:05:14,907 Deadpool 2, is a family film. 41 00:05:14,924 --> 00:05:15,829 True story. 42 00:05:15,838 --> 00:05:19,517 And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. 43 00:05:19,681 --> 00:05:22,556 Bambi, The Lion King, Saw VII. 44 00:05:22,603 --> 00:05:26,173 Holy shit-pickles. That guy's on fire! 45 00:05:26,198 --> 00:05:29,674 That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. Yeah. 46 00:05:29,948 --> 00:05:32,447 You know, you need to take out bad guys, right? 47 00:05:32,472 --> 00:05:35,808 But this guy... He was one of the worst of 'em. 48 00:05:38,551 --> 00:05:41,871 Open up with this fucking door, and let's kill this motherfu... 49 00:05:48,219 --> 00:05:50,219 Ugh... So gross. 50 00:05:50,352 --> 00:05:52,844 A panic room? Really? 51 00:05:53,259 --> 00:05:55,304 Can you come out? 52 00:05:55,532 --> 00:05:59,033 I really have to go. It's my anniversary. 53 00:06:04,392 --> 00:06:07,438 Open up what you feel inside. Just not having enough confidence. 54 00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:10,719 Listen, confidence is not something you have. It's something you create. 55 00:06:10,749 --> 00:06:12,928 And you can create it any moment in time. 56 00:06:12,944 --> 00:06:16,319 A sense of confidence is nothing but a sense of power within yourself. 57 00:06:16,344 --> 00:06:18,905 A sense of certainty that you can pull something off. 58 00:06:18,907 --> 00:06:21,305 And you can create that feeling within you, in a moment. 59 00:06:21,330 --> 00:06:23,711 Start the fucking car! 60 00:06:30,038 --> 00:06:31,734 - Woo! - I shit my pants. 61 00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:34,272 Actually, that may have been me. 62 00:06:34,288 --> 00:06:35,467 Mission accomplished? 63 00:06:35,492 --> 00:06:37,475 Well, George W-sort of way. 64 00:06:37,476 --> 00:06:39,673 Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever. 65 00:06:39,698 --> 00:06:42,979 - You are living the dreams, DP. - It has been quite the run, Dopinder. 66 00:06:43,004 --> 00:06:44,331 And who'd have thought? 67 00:06:44,332 --> 00:06:46,832 Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus. 68 00:06:46,857 --> 00:06:49,918 Passion of the Christ, then, me. At least, domestically. 69 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,958 We beat them overseas, where there's no such thing as religion. 70 00:06:52,982 --> 00:06:55,427 I do want to live the dreams, Poolboy. 71 00:06:55,443 --> 00:06:57,935 Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks. 72 00:06:58,029 --> 00:07:00,911 - I want to fill my... - Pockets? What's your poison? 73 00:07:00,964 --> 00:07:02,964 Little cookie cokey? 74 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,995 Can't maintain an erection without buying shoes online? 75 00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,409 Never experienced that last one. 76 00:07:08,421 --> 00:07:11,089 - Talk to me, - I was going to say, soul. 77 00:07:11,109 --> 00:07:15,124 I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir. 78 00:07:15,296 --> 00:07:16,624 Dopinder? 79 00:07:17,247 --> 00:07:19,364 You never cease to surprise me. 80 00:07:20,418 --> 00:07:23,425 The depth of your heart is extraordinary. 81 00:07:23,450 --> 00:07:27,715 We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home. 82 00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:29,629 - a place... - I want to become a contract killer. 83 00:07:29,654 --> 00:07:31,396 I'm sorry. What did you say? 84 00:07:31,404 --> 00:07:35,044 Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu, and tried to end him... 85 00:07:35,069 --> 00:07:36,389 You kinda killed him. 86 00:07:36,405 --> 00:07:39,147 - Remember the movie Interview with the Vampire? - I don't want to. 87 00:07:39,155 --> 00:07:43,755 When Tom Cruise fed ten-year old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time. 88 00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:47,280 Then she looked up at his smooth, handsome face, 89 00:07:47,288 --> 00:07:50,530 and said, "I want some more". 90 00:07:50,562 --> 00:07:54,671 Oh, Pool, picture me! A ten-year old Kirsten Dunst. 91 00:07:55,156 --> 00:07:57,632 I'll never not picture that. 92 00:07:58,109 --> 00:08:01,718 But I can't wait to never speak of this. As soon as possible. 93 00:08:02,007 --> 00:08:03,226 We're here. 94 00:08:06,405 --> 00:08:09,350 - You're my Tom Cruise. - And you're my Kristen Dunst! 95 00:08:09,375 --> 00:08:11,014 Kristen? Kirsten? 96 00:08:15,931 --> 00:08:17,415 Sorry I'm late. 97 00:08:17,517 --> 00:08:19,050 There was a bunch of... 98 00:08:19,071 --> 00:08:22,672 Handicappable children stuck in a tree. I had to... 99 00:08:22,697 --> 00:08:23,622 You're right. 100 00:08:23,647 --> 00:08:25,646 I was fighting a caped badass. 101 00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:28,925 - Then I discovered his mom was named Martha, too. - No. 102 00:08:29,511 --> 00:08:30,605 Traffic? 103 00:08:31,597 --> 00:08:32,597 Hmm? 104 00:08:33,371 --> 00:08:36,378 - Kiss me like you miss me, Red. - Well, come here. 105 00:08:47,752 --> 00:08:49,962 I wanna shower and get out of this suit. 106 00:08:50,139 --> 00:08:53,428 - Don't you want your surprise? - Do I look like a patient burn victim? 107 00:08:56,420 --> 00:08:59,357 Happy anniversary, baby. 108 00:09:01,576 --> 00:09:03,068 The ski-ball token. 109 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:05,240 - Our first date. - Yup. 110 00:09:06,435 --> 00:09:09,122 That's genuine high-grade lead. 111 00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,739 I'll keep it forever. 112 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,514 Thank you, baby. 113 00:09:17,429 --> 00:09:19,577 Open yours. 114 00:09:21,171 --> 00:09:22,608 Well that's... 115 00:09:22,734 --> 00:09:24,672 That's just the most beautiful thing I ever... 116 00:09:24,697 --> 00:09:26,180 I don't know what this is. 117 00:09:26,196 --> 00:09:27,625 My IUD. 118 00:09:27,908 --> 00:09:28,976 A bomb? 119 00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:31,901 No, dick for brains. My birth control device. 120 00:09:32,212 --> 00:09:33,283 You mean your.... 121 00:09:33,308 --> 00:09:36,563 - Baby factory is open for business. - Oh, my God! 122 00:09:37,267 --> 00:09:39,743 Oh, my God! I want a boy. 123 00:09:39,930 --> 00:09:42,594 Or a little girl. Just really one or the other. 124 00:09:43,829 --> 00:09:46,024 I want our kids to have only one name. 125 00:09:46,431 --> 00:09:47,686 Like Cher. 126 00:09:47,711 --> 00:09:48,844 Or Todd. 127 00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:52,626 - You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy. - Yes, I do. 128 00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:55,868 - Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss. - Let's do that. 129 00:10:05,088 --> 00:10:07,603 Does this song sound familiar to you? 130 00:10:09,283 --> 00:10:10,439 May. 131 00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:14,024 Connor? If it's a boy. 132 00:10:14,119 --> 00:10:16,392 May if it's a girl. 133 00:10:18,307 --> 00:10:20,205 So weird. 134 00:10:20,619 --> 00:10:22,800 Family's a lot like an "F"-word to me. 135 00:10:24,994 --> 00:10:27,845 Pile of shit father took off and bailed, and... 136 00:10:29,057 --> 00:10:32,978 It's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd. 137 00:10:34,284 --> 00:10:35,330 Hey. 138 00:10:35,799 --> 00:10:37,056 Look at me. 139 00:10:38,158 --> 00:10:40,189 You are not your father. 140 00:10:41,868 --> 00:10:43,086 Besides... 141 00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:45,657 I will never, ever... 142 00:10:45,893 --> 00:10:48,463 let our child be named "Todd". 143 00:10:49,097 --> 00:10:51,620 But here's the thing. Isn't that how it always works? 144 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,428 Like in Star Wars... 145 00:10:53,476 --> 00:10:55,874 Men are destined to become their father? 146 00:10:56,319 --> 00:10:59,365 And then have consensual sex with their sister? 147 00:10:59,521 --> 00:11:02,224 I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie. 148 00:11:02,802 --> 00:11:06,817 - No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her. - Baby, that's Empire. 149 00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:10,091 The point is, kids... 150 00:11:11,384 --> 00:11:14,365 They give us a chance to be better than we are. 151 00:11:14,418 --> 00:11:16,688 Better than we used to be. 152 00:11:17,629 --> 00:11:20,535 You're a lot smarter than you look. 153 00:11:21,043 --> 00:11:22,785 I'm gonna go make dessert. 154 00:11:22,809 --> 00:11:26,269 You get the strap-on. Let's make a superbaby. 155 00:11:27,276 --> 00:11:30,096 I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way but we can try. 156 00:11:30,752 --> 00:11:34,120 What about Krystal, with a K? 157 00:11:34,181 --> 00:11:35,908 That's too stripper-y. 158 00:11:36,166 --> 00:11:37,907 Kevin with a K? 159 00:11:37,932 --> 00:11:40,113 No. Too stripper-y too. 160 00:11:40,507 --> 00:11:41,952 Earl? 161 00:11:42,289 --> 00:11:46,578 He's gonna go straight to jail if we name him Earl. 162 00:11:47,438 --> 00:11:49,734 What about Bruce? 163 00:11:51,570 --> 00:11:53,781 - Get down. - What? 164 00:12:22,364 --> 00:12:24,778 Baby? Baby? 165 00:12:27,786 --> 00:12:29,591 I'm okay. 166 00:12:29,802 --> 00:12:32,528 Thank God, I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader. 167 00:16:26,306 --> 00:16:29,079 Papa, can you hear me? 168 00:16:30,219 --> 00:16:33,695 Is it just me or does "Do you want to Build A Snowman" from Frozen 169 00:16:33,711 --> 00:16:37,031 sounds suspiciously like "Papa, Can You Hear Me" from Yentl? 170 00:16:38,078 --> 00:16:40,078 Papa, can you hear me? 171 00:16:42,012 --> 00:16:44,601 That nobody fucking realizes it. 172 00:16:44,899 --> 00:16:47,769 Go home. You've been here for three days, okay? 173 00:16:47,868 --> 00:16:51,727 You smell like somebody shit in a civil war wound after it had become gangrenous 174 00:16:51,736 --> 00:16:55,407 They should've just amputated it. Why shit in it. It doesn't make any sense. 175 00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,197 I love Frozen. 176 00:16:57,284 --> 00:17:00,674 I loved her. I loved her like ocean loved water. 177 00:17:00,806 --> 00:17:03,219 - An ocean is water. - More importantly... 178 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,751 I liked her. 179 00:17:04,915 --> 00:17:06,923 I really liked her, you know? 180 00:17:07,158 --> 00:17:12,173 George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck. He's dead too. 181 00:17:12,816 --> 00:17:15,980 - At least we still have Bowie. - Yeah. 182 00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:19,300 We still... have Bowie. 183 00:17:19,518 --> 00:17:20,853 I'm sorry. 184 00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:24,306 Shot after shot, it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're... 185 00:17:24,321 --> 00:17:28,399 Are you pissing? Are you urinating right now? You're making the face that you make when you're urinating. 186 00:17:28,571 --> 00:17:30,563 - Is he pissing? - I'm on it. 187 00:17:30,588 --> 00:17:32,077 There you go, Dopinder. 188 00:17:32,102 --> 00:17:36,274 You wanna be a contract killer, you're gonna handle a mop before you handle a gun. 189 00:17:36,290 --> 00:17:38,954 Although I don't quite understand how they are all similar. 190 00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:41,633 Well, they both have handles. Now leave me. 191 00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:43,698 Go home, Wade. 192 00:17:43,790 --> 00:17:45,464 I don't have a home. 193 00:17:47,347 --> 00:17:49,972 Whoa. Okay, I'm fine. Honestly, I'm fine. 194 00:17:50,050 --> 00:17:52,214 You know what fine stands for, Wade? 195 00:17:52,222 --> 00:17:55,612 Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. 196 00:17:55,816 --> 00:17:58,292 According to the... 197 00:17:58,659 --> 00:18:00,073 Kubler-Ross. 198 00:18:00,103 --> 00:18:04,955 According to the Kubler-Ross model, denial is just one of the five stages of grief. 199 00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:07,212 Jesus Christ, Buck. 200 00:18:07,259 --> 00:18:09,751 No more speaking lines for you. 201 00:18:45,172 --> 00:18:49,453 - I'm thinking it over. - Motherfucker! Fuck. 202 00:18:51,851 --> 00:18:55,664 What the hell are you doing here? Don't you know how to knock? 203 00:18:55,719 --> 00:18:58,945 I thought you saw me. With your ears. 204 00:18:59,023 --> 00:19:02,944 - You're lucky I didn't shoot you in... - The wall? The refrigerator? 205 00:19:03,046 --> 00:19:05,553 I'm in so much pain. 206 00:19:07,506 --> 00:19:09,233 I heard the news, sweetie. 207 00:19:09,258 --> 00:19:11,343 I'm very sorry. I am. 208 00:19:11,368 --> 00:19:13,289 What am I gonna do, Al? 209 00:19:13,321 --> 00:19:15,898 Probably something terrible. 210 00:19:16,274 --> 00:19:19,805 - Knowing you. - It was my fault. 211 00:19:20,476 --> 00:19:22,601 I fucking did this. 212 00:19:23,226 --> 00:19:27,445 And all I wanna do is grab her, see her. Tell her that I'm sorry and I can't. 213 00:19:29,196 --> 00:19:31,008 She's gone. 214 00:19:31,090 --> 00:19:34,515 Sweetheart, can you speak up? 215 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,655 It's a little hard to hear you with that pity dick in your mouth. 216 00:19:37,663 --> 00:19:38,866 Now look, sugar. 217 00:19:38,905 --> 00:19:41,741 - You need to just keep living. - Thank you... 218 00:19:41,796 --> 00:19:45,092 Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure. 219 00:19:45,153 --> 00:19:46,738 Listen to the pain. 220 00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:49,934 It's both history teacher and fortune-teller. 221 00:19:49,973 --> 00:19:53,262 Pain teaches us who we'd all be. 222 00:19:53,371 --> 00:19:57,180 Sometimes it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. 223 00:19:57,626 --> 00:20:01,360 But we can't really live 'till we die a little, can we? 224 00:20:02,774 --> 00:20:03,891 Wade? 225 00:20:06,321 --> 00:20:08,640 - Wade? - I'm right here, Althea. 226 00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:13,156 Maybe that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. 227 00:20:13,282 --> 00:20:15,734 You're absolutely right. 228 00:20:18,704 --> 00:20:21,352 I'm about to do something terrible. 229 00:20:25,071 --> 00:20:27,289 There. All caught up. 230 00:20:27,306 --> 00:20:30,274 You can't really live until you've died a little. 231 00:20:30,313 --> 00:20:32,680 Let's test that theory, shall we? 232 00:21:04,496 --> 00:21:06,841 I love you, Wade Wilson. 233 00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:10,121 Ness? 234 00:21:11,347 --> 00:21:12,629 Ness? 235 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:14,948 Ness? 236 00:21:15,127 --> 00:21:18,556 Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you. 237 00:21:19,583 --> 00:21:22,109 Your heart's not in the right place. 238 00:21:22,265 --> 00:21:24,546 Wait. Hold on, what? 239 00:21:24,827 --> 00:21:26,638 Your heart's not in the right place. 240 00:21:26,663 --> 00:21:30,256 Wait, what's that, what do you mean my heart's not in the right place? What does it... 241 00:21:49,428 --> 00:21:53,568 I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. You're broken. 242 00:21:53,670 --> 00:21:57,099 Oh, God. I know that voice. 243 00:22:00,716 --> 00:22:03,864 Heart's in the right place. Heart's not, what does that mean? 244 00:22:03,888 --> 00:22:05,655 You've been sleep for three days. 245 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,974 - I took the liberty of dressing you. - No shit. 246 00:22:09,014 --> 00:22:12,842 - Why can't I fucking die? - Take your mask off, Wade. 247 00:22:12,912 --> 00:22:16,162 We must talk. You need fresh start. 248 00:22:16,591 --> 00:22:19,216 With training, you can be X-Man. 249 00:22:19,241 --> 00:22:21,310 You're wasting your time, shiny Jesus. 250 00:22:21,318 --> 00:22:24,716 - I'm not X-Men material. - Understatement of the year. 251 00:22:24,794 --> 00:22:27,544 Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade. 252 00:22:27,599 --> 00:22:30,325 What, in the fuck-knuckles is this? 253 00:22:30,341 --> 00:22:32,130 She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit. 254 00:22:32,138 --> 00:22:34,864 Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox and Friends. 255 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:39,301 I'm just surprised anyone would date you. Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. 256 00:22:39,450 --> 00:22:43,341 - I like this guy. - Give him a chance. 257 00:22:43,417 --> 00:22:47,082 - It's great seeing you like this. - Yeah... 258 00:22:47,121 --> 00:22:48,121 Bye, Wade! 259 00:22:48,207 --> 00:22:51,003 Now some ground rules while under our roof. 260 00:22:51,066 --> 00:22:55,722 Rule number one: No killing. Anyone. Ever. 261 00:22:55,747 --> 00:22:57,417 No matter how bad. 262 00:22:57,465 --> 00:23:01,621 Rule two: Label everything in refriger... Wade? 263 00:23:01,863 --> 00:23:03,167 Wade? 264 00:23:03,988 --> 00:23:08,441 Don't try to chase me. Not ready to be touched yet. 265 00:23:08,651 --> 00:23:11,090 All these elderly white men on the walls. 266 00:23:11,115 --> 00:23:13,379 Should've brought my rape whistle. 267 00:23:13,863 --> 00:23:16,676 Those were already damaged after they fell there. 268 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:20,918 What am I supposed to do around here, anyway. Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? 269 00:23:20,942 --> 00:23:23,940 And how would I do that, exactly, because... 270 00:23:23,988 --> 00:23:26,449 Where the fuck is everyone? 271 00:23:26,474 --> 00:23:28,722 It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage 272 00:23:28,731 --> 00:23:31,035 - Longest Name ever. - Enough! 273 00:23:31,043 --> 00:23:32,683 I said no touching. 274 00:23:33,738 --> 00:23:36,628 What the... fuck. 275 00:23:36,941 --> 00:23:39,425 You'd think the studio would throw us a bone. 276 00:23:39,450 --> 00:23:41,965 They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? 277 00:23:41,990 --> 00:23:45,224 How about that pots with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do in there? 278 00:23:45,249 --> 00:23:48,809 Carry them three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? 279 00:23:48,834 --> 00:23:51,079 No, no, no, no, no. No. 280 00:23:51,095 --> 00:23:53,884 I am not X-men material, at all. 281 00:23:53,939 --> 00:23:55,454 First off... 282 00:23:56,517 --> 00:23:59,470 I'm not even a virgin. Sceond, and more... 283 00:24:00,368 --> 00:24:03,891 I should've left you in the self-pitying mess I found you in. 284 00:24:03,916 --> 00:24:06,774 But this is what friends do. They show up. 285 00:24:06,814 --> 00:24:08,642 Not when convenient or easy. 286 00:24:08,658 --> 00:24:09,790 When hard. 287 00:24:09,829 --> 00:24:12,939 And you always make it hard. 288 00:24:13,157 --> 00:24:15,631 You are unwell. 289 00:24:15,656 --> 00:24:18,610 I'm sticking my neck out for you. 290 00:24:18,617 --> 00:24:21,749 One of the assholes who killed Vanessa got away. 291 00:24:24,288 --> 00:24:27,069 - Jesus Christ. - Wade. 292 00:24:27,131 --> 00:24:31,560 Whoever they are, we track them down and bring them to justice. 293 00:24:31,797 --> 00:24:33,242 It was me. 294 00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:38,559 I'm the asshole who got away. 295 00:24:38,925 --> 00:24:41,667 I killed every last one of them. Except me. 296 00:24:41,839 --> 00:24:43,901 Couldn't kill me. 297 00:24:46,893 --> 00:24:49,057 We were gonna start a family. 298 00:24:50,737 --> 00:24:52,362 We were, uhh... 299 00:24:53,877 --> 00:24:55,908 We were gonna be a family. 300 00:24:56,388 --> 00:24:59,135 Wade, Vanessa is gone. 301 00:24:59,253 --> 00:25:01,299 She is not coming back. 302 00:25:01,704 --> 00:25:04,260 This may not be family you want. 303 00:25:04,274 --> 00:25:06,680 But, it's family you need. 304 00:25:06,763 --> 00:25:10,817 You have a good heart. It belongs here, where it can grow. 305 00:25:11,216 --> 00:25:12,872 What did you say? 306 00:25:14,496 --> 00:25:16,449 About my heart? 307 00:25:21,340 --> 00:25:23,824 I think I'm in the right place. 308 00:26:37,529 --> 00:26:38,631 Wade. 309 00:26:39,578 --> 00:26:40,726 Wade! 310 00:26:40,789 --> 00:26:45,273 Hey. I was just taking Cerebro for a spin here. Looking deep into the future. 311 00:26:45,888 --> 00:26:48,870 - This thing... - That's not how Cerebro works. 312 00:26:48,895 --> 00:26:49,941 Yes. Yes. 313 00:26:50,372 --> 00:26:53,293 - We have mission. - We have mission. We do. 314 00:26:53,434 --> 00:26:55,497 You do. You guys stay safe out there. 315 00:26:55,528 --> 00:26:59,199 - No. I want you to join. - No. You want me to join. 316 00:27:00,012 --> 00:27:02,379 - I'm sorry. What? - You are ready. 317 00:27:02,406 --> 00:27:04,662 That's a terrible idea, and it's gonna end badly. 318 00:27:04,687 --> 00:27:06,707 You wanna know how I know? I'll give you a hint. 319 00:27:06,732 --> 00:27:09,934 It's on my head and smells like Patrick Stewart. 320 00:27:09,964 --> 00:27:12,067 Be at the X-jet in five. 321 00:27:14,726 --> 00:27:17,351 Irene Merryweather, WHIT News. 322 00:27:17,374 --> 00:27:22,102 Live here on a breaking news situation at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation. 323 00:27:22,141 --> 00:27:27,178 A mutant boy is appearing to have some sort of an incident with police here behind me. 324 00:27:27,203 --> 00:27:30,260 There are two police vehicles that are overturned... 325 00:27:30,861 --> 00:27:33,156 A scene of absolute chaos... 326 00:27:33,181 --> 00:27:36,822 I'll burn you! Just stay back. 327 00:27:36,861 --> 00:27:40,892 Get away from me! You wanna fucking die? 328 00:27:55,959 --> 00:28:02,201 It appears as if the X-Men are arriving with, what appears to be a trainee. 329 00:28:02,719 --> 00:28:05,523 Everyone calm down. The pros are here. 330 00:28:05,992 --> 00:28:07,343 We're the X-Men. 331 00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:10,046 A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s. 332 00:28:10,072 --> 00:28:12,164 So, respect. 333 00:28:12,189 --> 00:28:13,919 At ease, officer. 334 00:28:15,052 --> 00:28:16,919 What are you doing? 335 00:28:17,060 --> 00:28:18,427 My job. 336 00:28:18,452 --> 00:28:21,380 You're the one who said I was ready and I frankly disagreed with you. 337 00:28:21,405 --> 00:28:25,420 But here we are. Trying to overcome our differences. Like Beyonce says: 338 00:28:25,445 --> 00:28:28,622 "Please. Please stop cheating on me." 339 00:28:28,646 --> 00:28:29,646 Hey! 340 00:28:29,731 --> 00:28:31,200 This is the fifth incident. 341 00:28:31,224 --> 00:28:33,442 This kid needs to be in the Icebox. Not here. 342 00:28:33,459 --> 00:28:36,400 Russell belongs in our care. Not in prison. 343 00:28:36,425 --> 00:28:38,862 I assure you, we have everything under control. 344 00:28:38,878 --> 00:28:42,667 Not getting a real "under control" vibe here, Marty. 345 00:28:42,675 --> 00:28:44,394 - It is Glenn, isn't it? - Daniel. 346 00:28:44,419 --> 00:28:47,175 I'll ask the questions. Let me talk to the kid. 347 00:28:47,198 --> 00:28:50,002 You stay here wth your weird... 348 00:28:50,027 --> 00:28:51,791 Secret sex lips. 349 00:28:53,662 --> 00:28:56,785 - You wanna die? - He's so adorable. Dunno why I packed a hollow point. 350 00:28:56,810 --> 00:29:01,122 - I'll burn your balls off. - First day. I'm so nervous. 351 00:29:01,531 --> 00:29:03,266 Did you just say hollow points? 352 00:29:03,291 --> 00:29:06,876 Yeah. Probably should've brought a super soaker. 353 00:29:07,227 --> 00:29:08,711 Hi, there. 354 00:29:09,712 --> 00:29:12,876 Stay back, or Justin Bieber dies. 355 00:29:13,118 --> 00:29:16,079 Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber. 356 00:29:17,141 --> 00:29:20,148 Wait, wait. Okay, let's not do... 357 00:29:20,220 --> 00:29:22,087 Whatever that is. Okay? 358 00:29:22,112 --> 00:29:24,940 Let's just talk. It's Russell. Right? 359 00:29:25,009 --> 00:29:27,190 - Firefist. - Firefist! 360 00:29:27,221 --> 00:29:28,863 That's a great name. 361 00:29:28,888 --> 00:29:31,723 Where does it burn? Just the fist or all the way up to the elbow? 362 00:29:36,572 --> 00:29:38,290 Definitely all the way up to the elbow. 363 00:29:38,307 --> 00:29:41,392 Come quietly. Or there will be trouble. 364 00:29:41,525 --> 00:29:43,619 - You stole that from Robocop. - Robocop! 365 00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:47,094 Just stand down. You're embarassing me. Look! 366 00:29:47,164 --> 00:29:49,789 Firefi... Fire...! 367 00:29:50,493 --> 00:29:53,508 I can't say it. I'm so sorry! 368 00:29:57,672 --> 00:30:00,547 Shit. That fucking does it! 369 00:30:00,563 --> 00:30:03,735 Put your hands behind your knees and get down in your head, now! 370 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:04,572 Wade! 371 00:30:04,597 --> 00:30:05,892 What was first rule? 372 00:30:05,900 --> 00:30:07,587 Label everything in the refrigerator! 373 00:30:07,612 --> 00:30:10,682 - Do not escalate! - Rules are meant to be broken! 374 00:30:10,707 --> 00:30:14,080 That's the exact opposite of what they are meant for! 375 00:30:14,251 --> 00:30:15,970 Fuck! Fine. 376 00:30:16,322 --> 00:30:17,970 I'll start from the beginning. 377 00:30:17,986 --> 00:30:21,541 - My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man. - Trainee! 378 00:30:22,173 --> 00:30:23,962 I get it. 379 00:30:24,361 --> 00:30:26,415 All right? You're scared. 380 00:30:26,563 --> 00:30:27,735 Alone. 381 00:30:27,892 --> 00:30:31,610 You got no family? I didn't have a family. You live in this dump? Well guess what? 382 00:30:31,635 --> 00:30:34,103 I used to live in a shithole just like it. 383 00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:35,517 But you know something? 384 00:30:35,542 --> 00:30:37,087 I think that is worse. 385 00:30:37,112 --> 00:30:39,853 It's a confusing time in your life right now. Your body... 386 00:30:39,916 --> 00:30:42,424 Is going through some fiery changes. 387 00:30:42,471 --> 00:30:45,025 Too far. I went too far. 388 00:30:51,416 --> 00:30:53,604 That was effervescent. 389 00:30:54,251 --> 00:30:57,821 Stay in school kid. Or don't. I didn't. 390 00:30:57,860 --> 00:31:00,860 - I'm an X-Man. - Trainee. 391 00:31:00,923 --> 00:31:04,367 Fuck it. Superhero landing coming up. 392 00:31:08,133 --> 00:31:11,562 Fuck, fuck, fuck. That's so impractical. 393 00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:35,033 - I could get used to this X-Men shit. - Trainee! 394 00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:36,221 Trainee! 395 00:31:36,252 --> 00:31:39,548 - Get a collar and restrain him, now. - Calm down, squirt. 396 00:31:39,573 --> 00:31:42,337 It's over. We got ya. 397 00:31:43,285 --> 00:31:44,566 What's that do? 398 00:31:44,598 --> 00:31:46,355 Power dampening collar. 399 00:31:46,371 --> 00:31:49,308 Shuts down all mutant abilities. Can't get it off. 400 00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:51,511 Unless you've got a grenade. 401 00:31:51,536 --> 00:31:53,801 Could've used one of those in the first act. 402 00:31:53,864 --> 00:31:55,270 Thank you. 403 00:31:56,708 --> 00:31:59,075 That was absolutely thrilling. 404 00:31:59,099 --> 00:32:03,348 True heroism in action. We are in your debt. 405 00:32:03,496 --> 00:32:05,309 We can take it from here. 406 00:32:05,334 --> 00:32:08,896 Take me to the Icebox, please. Anywhere is better than here. 407 00:32:08,921 --> 00:32:11,748 Believe me son, you do not wanna go to the Icebox. 408 00:32:11,787 --> 00:32:13,533 Let's get you inside, young man. 409 00:32:13,558 --> 00:32:17,456 No, wait. Wait, you just, you guys stay there. 410 00:32:27,288 --> 00:32:29,156 Those guys hurt you? 411 00:32:30,305 --> 00:32:31,507 Who? 412 00:32:33,797 --> 00:32:36,929 Baldylocks? Jared Kushner? 413 00:32:43,875 --> 00:32:46,171 Fuck it. Four or five moments. 414 00:32:46,196 --> 00:32:48,648 - I'm sorry? - Four... 415 00:32:48,672 --> 00:32:51,031 Or five moments. 416 00:32:51,796 --> 00:32:55,264 That's all it takes to be a hero. 417 00:32:55,421 --> 00:32:57,756 People think you wake up a hero. 418 00:32:57,827 --> 00:33:00,022 Brush your teeth a hero. 419 00:33:00,046 --> 00:33:03,256 Ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero. 420 00:33:04,190 --> 00:33:06,838 But no. Being a hero 421 00:33:06,863 --> 00:33:09,416 takes only a few moments. 422 00:33:09,455 --> 00:33:14,001 Few moments doing the ugly stuff no one else will do. 423 00:33:17,253 --> 00:33:18,409 No! 424 00:33:22,213 --> 00:33:24,650 - Wade, what did you do? - Colossus, no! 425 00:33:24,675 --> 00:33:27,081 That kid was abused. You can tell, you can always tell. 426 00:33:27,106 --> 00:33:30,817 We have rules. You are not judge, jury or executioner. 427 00:33:30,833 --> 00:33:33,973 Fuck your rules. I fight for what's right. 428 00:33:33,981 --> 00:33:35,637 And sometimes, you gotta fight dirty. 429 00:33:35,675 --> 00:33:39,253 You let me down for the last time, Wade. 430 00:34:08,892 --> 00:34:11,290 I wonder what gang I'll be in. 431 00:34:13,048 --> 00:34:16,118 Is there like a sorting hat? 432 00:34:21,130 --> 00:34:23,747 Hard left, douchebag. 433 00:34:26,802 --> 00:34:28,724 Please. After you. 434 00:34:28,997 --> 00:34:32,465 Another disgusting mutant off the streets. God bless America. 435 00:34:32,504 --> 00:34:34,144 It's a good to talk a little. 436 00:34:37,394 --> 00:34:40,034 Nighty-night, you annoying prick. 437 00:35:12,276 --> 00:35:15,807 But I'm gonna tell you what the big lie is. 438 00:35:15,886 --> 00:35:17,159 Toilet paper. 439 00:35:17,214 --> 00:35:20,331 Toilet paper is certified appetizer. 440 00:35:20,401 --> 00:35:22,159 But then... 441 00:35:22,819 --> 00:35:25,178 Huggies Natural Care wet wipes. 442 00:35:25,233 --> 00:35:28,490 That's your main course. They're soft. They're moist. 443 00:35:28,514 --> 00:35:30,467 They're for babies. 444 00:35:30,546 --> 00:35:35,311 And finally. One more patch of toilet paper made me clear out that excess moisture. 445 00:35:35,330 --> 00:35:38,306 Maybe treat yourself to a glow and go if you can get you a hair dryer. 446 00:35:38,331 --> 00:35:41,087 Just about thirty seconds until you get... 447 00:35:43,985 --> 00:35:45,439 What the fuck. 448 00:35:46,557 --> 00:35:47,923 Year? 449 00:35:48,611 --> 00:35:49,931 What? 450 00:35:50,721 --> 00:35:52,377 What year is it? 451 00:35:52,549 --> 00:35:55,314 What kind of dumbass question is that to ask? 452 00:36:13,823 --> 00:36:17,299 - You're a long way from your superpowers. - Yeah. 453 00:36:17,365 --> 00:36:18,455 Okay. 454 00:36:22,031 --> 00:36:24,187 I wanted to be a superhero. 455 00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,770 Always wanted my own supersuit. 456 00:36:26,795 --> 00:36:30,795 - What happened? - When's the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero? 457 00:36:30,820 --> 00:36:34,732 Never. The industry discriminates. 458 00:36:34,850 --> 00:36:36,631 Fuck superheroes. 459 00:36:36,670 --> 00:36:38,328 Fuck everyone. 460 00:36:38,616 --> 00:36:41,390 The first thing I'm gonna do when I get out of here... 461 00:36:41,414 --> 00:36:46,781 Burn the Headmaster alive, and then take a selfie with the smoldering corpse. 462 00:36:46,905 --> 00:36:49,289 Who says prison isn't informative? 463 00:36:49,312 --> 00:36:51,304 Fucker hates mutants. 464 00:36:52,039 --> 00:36:55,671 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand. 465 00:36:55,718 --> 00:36:57,789 Your abilities... 466 00:36:58,812 --> 00:37:01,858 I know how seductive they are. 467 00:37:03,114 --> 00:37:05,332 Please, no more crying. 468 00:37:11,566 --> 00:37:15,245 Tomorrow, I'll find the biggest guy in here. 469 00:37:16,191 --> 00:37:17,980 I'm gonna make him my b... 470 00:37:20,636 --> 00:37:24,682 - What was that? - That is the biggest guy in here. 471 00:37:24,949 --> 00:37:28,908 Fun fact about the Icebox: though no one's ever seen it, 472 00:37:28,933 --> 00:37:31,222 they keep a monster in the basement. 473 00:37:31,316 --> 00:37:35,345 Right next to a huge steaming bowl of foreshadowing. 474 00:37:35,370 --> 00:37:36,401 Look... 475 00:37:37,285 --> 00:37:39,550 I can't protect you. 476 00:37:39,594 --> 00:37:43,916 With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer. 477 00:37:43,930 --> 00:37:47,211 Give me a bow and arrow, and I'm basically Hawkeye. 478 00:37:47,304 --> 00:37:52,671 Now if you'll excuse me, I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits. 479 00:37:52,702 --> 00:37:55,161 I'll start by making us a shank. 480 00:37:55,186 --> 00:37:58,748 - Good listening. - I saw that guard's pen and stashed it in the old, 481 00:37:58,773 --> 00:38:02,990 - prison wallet. If you know what I'm saying? - Prison wallet? 482 00:38:04,116 --> 00:38:06,787 I really hope I don't know what you're saying. 483 00:38:08,592 --> 00:38:11,928 I can hear you rummaging around in there. 484 00:38:16,037 --> 00:38:18,929 Here to update you on the story reported earlier... 485 00:38:18,954 --> 00:38:23,386 After a lengthy stand-off outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation, 486 00:38:23,419 --> 00:38:26,442 two mutants were arrested and transported to the Icebox. 487 00:38:26,458 --> 00:38:28,942 Entering repair mode. 488 00:39:11,844 --> 00:39:13,687 Don't. Don't do that. 489 00:39:14,305 --> 00:39:17,125 What? Why are you winking at me? 490 00:39:21,154 --> 00:39:23,779 - I've got your back. - Oh, my God. 491 00:39:23,804 --> 00:39:27,169 - I said I'm gonna protect you. - Just leave me alone, kid. 492 00:39:28,296 --> 00:39:29,936 Oh, great. 493 00:39:30,992 --> 00:39:33,811 Well. Look at our new friends. 494 00:39:33,841 --> 00:39:36,661 It's nice to see some fresh faces around here. 495 00:39:36,686 --> 00:39:41,584 That's some light catalogue, but really, modelling's just a stepping stone for acting. 496 00:39:41,655 --> 00:39:44,029 I wasn't talking to him. 497 00:39:44,345 --> 00:39:47,587 Have we met? Can't place your moustache. 498 00:39:47,790 --> 00:39:50,478 - Black Tom Cassidy. - White Wade Wilson. 499 00:39:50,525 --> 00:39:53,759 What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation? 500 00:39:53,799 --> 00:39:56,634 You're supposed to be the toughest cunt in here. 501 00:39:56,650 --> 00:39:59,196 You don't look like much to me. 502 00:39:59,221 --> 00:40:04,197 First rule of the yard, fuck-face. Find the biggest guy and make him your... 503 00:40:07,592 --> 00:40:12,576 Second biggest guy. The last thing I need is more hepatitis. 504 00:40:12,639 --> 00:40:15,802 It's slippery, too. This table needs a wipedown. 505 00:40:15,827 --> 00:40:18,327 Can we get a wipedown on the table? 506 00:40:19,116 --> 00:40:22,530 - Kid, I think you picked the wrong side. - No I didn't. 507 00:40:22,538 --> 00:40:26,491 - He's my friend. - Zip it. We're not friends. 508 00:40:27,576 --> 00:40:30,131 You're about to get dick-slapped... 509 00:40:41,165 --> 00:40:45,102 I had so much fun. You were like, and I was like... 510 00:40:45,150 --> 00:40:48,939 - Please, let me die in peace. - We make a great team. 511 00:40:49,556 --> 00:40:51,165 We're not a team. 512 00:40:52,181 --> 00:40:56,212 I just saved your back there. We're friends. Partners. 513 00:40:56,275 --> 00:40:59,102 We're not partners. Or friends. 514 00:41:00,175 --> 00:41:04,284 This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. It ends with me dying of cancer. 515 00:41:04,305 --> 00:41:07,971 And you winning the Icebox award for Softest Mouth. 516 00:41:09,833 --> 00:41:13,598 There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone. 517 00:41:14,743 --> 00:41:17,250 You wanna survive? 518 00:41:18,138 --> 00:41:23,247 Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here. Make friends with them. 519 00:41:24,685 --> 00:41:27,200 Make friends with someone. 520 00:41:27,552 --> 00:41:29,966 Anyone but me. 521 00:41:30,244 --> 00:41:33,182 Maybe even Black Tim. 522 00:41:33,354 --> 00:41:37,666 Black Evan? I don't know. All I remember is he's African-American. 523 00:42:35,873 --> 00:42:37,521 Searching. 524 00:42:38,248 --> 00:42:40,966 Cell 0-4. Located. 525 00:42:41,621 --> 00:42:44,052 The door won't open. 526 00:43:22,559 --> 00:43:24,996 That was our cell. 527 00:43:26,371 --> 00:43:30,722 What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker with a Winter Soldier arm? 528 00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:41,740 Get away from me, kid. 529 00:43:48,863 --> 00:43:50,527 Listen to me, go! 530 00:43:55,433 --> 00:43:57,800 Hello, Russell. 531 00:45:20,222 --> 00:45:22,440 Hello, superpowers. 532 00:45:39,568 --> 00:45:41,341 Who are you? 533 00:45:41,380 --> 00:45:42,755 I'm Batman. 534 00:46:01,045 --> 00:46:03,576 That's got some zip! 535 00:46:10,878 --> 00:46:14,472 Don't do that. Even I can't kill me. 536 00:46:14,597 --> 00:46:15,839 Talk! 537 00:46:16,113 --> 00:46:20,018 What kind of spineless shitstick tries to kill a 14-year old boy? 538 00:46:20,699 --> 00:46:24,839 You might wanna start talking because I got a long history of firing at times like this. 539 00:46:25,824 --> 00:46:30,925 The name's Cable. I'm from the future. Just walk away. 540 00:46:32,694 --> 00:46:37,881 So you're from the future. All right, three questions, then. One... 541 00:46:37,924 --> 00:46:40,248 Is dubstep still a thing? 542 00:46:40,258 --> 00:46:44,492 Two. What Sharknado are we on? And three... 543 00:46:44,516 --> 00:46:48,736 At what point do I need to say, enough with the robotic arms? 544 00:47:30,587 --> 00:47:34,032 - Dubstep's for pussies. - You're so dark! 545 00:47:34,071 --> 00:47:36,797 Are you sure you're not from the DC Universe? 546 00:47:36,876 --> 00:47:39,391 They love dubstep! 547 00:48:04,787 --> 00:48:09,419 Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in ninety-ninetynever. 548 00:48:09,865 --> 00:48:13,958 - Something to remember you by. - Give me that back. 549 00:48:13,982 --> 00:48:19,138 That goes with me everywhere. Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack. 550 00:48:27,891 --> 00:48:30,242 Why are you protecting the kid? 551 00:48:31,140 --> 00:48:33,913 I don't give a fuck about him. 552 00:48:33,968 --> 00:48:36,960 He's arguably had a mother complex. 553 00:48:38,412 --> 00:48:40,897 What's this one do? 554 00:48:53,741 --> 00:48:57,803 In every film, is a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. 555 00:48:57,928 --> 00:49:01,428 In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. 556 00:49:01,645 --> 00:49:06,309 In Human Centipede, it was when those people, signed on to be in that movie. 557 00:49:06,354 --> 00:49:10,460 But in this film, well, you're looking at it. 558 00:49:14,914 --> 00:49:16,296 Rock... 559 00:49:19,478 --> 00:49:21,868 Meet bottom. 560 00:49:32,964 --> 00:49:34,229 Ness? 561 00:49:35,144 --> 00:49:37,019 Hey, Ness! 562 00:49:37,465 --> 00:49:40,550 Ness! Can you let me in? Please! 563 00:49:40,691 --> 00:49:42,347 Please. 564 00:49:42,870 --> 00:49:44,830 Oh, Jesus. 565 00:49:47,424 --> 00:49:51,681 You're not giving a lot of direction here. I'm at the end of my rope. 566 00:49:53,629 --> 00:49:55,996 I joined the X-Men... 567 00:49:56,159 --> 00:49:58,542 Went to prison, with a... 568 00:50:01,644 --> 00:50:03,433 With a kid. 569 00:50:05,366 --> 00:50:09,405 Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be. 570 00:50:09,522 --> 00:50:11,303 The kid! 571 00:50:24,487 --> 00:50:27,549 That's exactly what she meant. Your heart needs to be in the right place. 572 00:50:27,604 --> 00:50:31,564 I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone. Ever. 573 00:50:32,127 --> 00:50:35,189 - I need to be selfless. - Yeah. But was does that mean? 574 00:50:35,214 --> 00:50:38,917 It means, I'mma save Russell. 575 00:50:38,987 --> 00:50:43,002 Maybe I couldn't save Nessa, but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand. 576 00:50:43,027 --> 00:50:47,034 Yeah, what I mean is the word selfless. I really don't know what that means. 577 00:50:47,105 --> 00:50:48,987 - Jesus Christ. - Okay. 578 00:50:49,004 --> 00:50:51,058 Look, according to my guy, 579 00:50:51,082 --> 00:50:54,909 those muties are being transferred to a super-max 80 miles away. 580 00:50:54,941 --> 00:50:58,941 - Great. I'll pick them off along the way. - Hold your testicles there, buddy. Okay? 581 00:50:58,966 --> 00:51:03,683 We're talking about an armored convoy. And, a vicious super-soldier from the future 582 00:51:03,708 --> 00:51:07,401 - just looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray. - You know what we need to do? 583 00:51:07,425 --> 00:51:10,456 We need to build a fucking team. We need them tough, 584 00:51:10,481 --> 00:51:14,315 morally flexible, and young enough so they can carry this franchise 10 to 12 years. 585 00:51:14,347 --> 00:51:18,479 - My body is an instrument of death. - Not now, Dopinder. 586 00:51:18,549 --> 00:51:22,611 - I could be of great use. - What's your superpower? 587 00:51:24,131 --> 00:51:25,874 That's adorable. 588 00:51:25,914 --> 00:51:31,131 You had the courage to check and see if there're enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser? 589 00:51:31,156 --> 00:51:34,104 Sorry you had to see that. No, I'm glad you heard it. 590 00:51:34,833 --> 00:51:39,010 All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. But we're not paying medical or dental. 591 00:51:39,057 --> 00:51:41,934 It's time to get back on LinkedIn. 592 00:52:19,157 --> 00:52:22,360 Transport will begin at 0800 hours. 593 00:52:23,586 --> 00:52:26,867 - The fuck you want? - That's my fucking pudding. 594 00:52:26,951 --> 00:52:29,015 Fuck your pudding. 595 00:52:50,183 --> 00:52:51,722 Hello? 596 00:52:53,370 --> 00:52:55,472 I know you're in there. 597 00:53:11,375 --> 00:53:13,984 Must be hard being the biggest guy in here. 598 00:53:15,031 --> 00:53:16,656 Lonely at the top. 599 00:53:17,265 --> 00:53:19,883 They're moving us tomorrow. 600 00:53:21,777 --> 00:53:24,617 Maybe I can get you out of here. 601 00:53:25,004 --> 00:53:28,566 We can make the whole world our bitch. 602 00:53:29,823 --> 00:53:32,806 We need a secret code. 603 00:53:34,056 --> 00:53:37,196 No, that's stupid, Russell. You idiot. 604 00:53:44,657 --> 00:53:48,110 We're a team. We're like thugs, we're like gangsters. 605 00:53:48,189 --> 00:53:51,493 I'm like 2Pac, and you're like Ice Cube. 606 00:53:54,885 --> 00:53:56,629 Terrific. These are all terrific. 607 00:53:56,654 --> 00:53:58,480 Meet Bedlam. 608 00:53:58,505 --> 00:54:00,724 Cool name. Superpowers? 609 00:54:00,776 --> 00:54:03,565 I can distort electrical fields. 610 00:54:03,589 --> 00:54:09,815 Including the one inside your brain. Causing anxiety, confusion, pain. 611 00:54:10,676 --> 00:54:14,114 So basically, you're Dave Matthews. We can use him. 612 00:54:15,286 --> 00:54:18,098 - I'm Zeitgeist. - Cool. 613 00:54:18,200 --> 00:54:21,528 I'd like to say you have the power to put your finger on the, 614 00:54:21,553 --> 00:54:26,496 - the pulse of society? - No. No, I spit acidic vomit. 615 00:54:27,392 --> 00:54:29,985 - You want me to demonstrate? - No, we'll take your word for it. 616 00:54:30,010 --> 00:54:32,698 Listen, we're all eating at Arby's. Okay? 617 00:54:32,723 --> 00:54:35,371 This is the Vanisher. 618 00:54:38,075 --> 00:54:39,269 But... 619 00:54:40,775 --> 00:54:42,814 Vanisher! 620 00:54:44,588 --> 00:54:46,923 - Nice! - Right? 621 00:54:47,541 --> 00:54:50,431 - He's not here, is he? - He may be running late. 622 00:54:51,946 --> 00:54:55,789 - My name's Rusty but I go by Shatterstar. - That's good. Yeah. 623 00:54:55,814 --> 00:54:58,110 Rusty is... terrible. 624 00:54:58,139 --> 00:55:01,060 - So, where are you from? - The planet Mojoworld. 625 00:55:01,084 --> 00:55:04,803 So you're an alien, I guess. How does that help us? 626 00:55:04,819 --> 00:55:07,756 I'm basically better than you at everything. 627 00:55:07,795 --> 00:55:13,185 For just once I wanna find a planet with people that are worse than me at everything. Whole bunch of functional idiots. 628 00:55:13,267 --> 00:55:16,460 - I'm gonna go there and be their Superman. - Isn't that Canada? 629 00:55:16,485 --> 00:55:19,375 You shut your goddamn trash mouth. 630 00:55:20,548 --> 00:55:22,064 - Meet... - Domino. 631 00:55:22,095 --> 00:55:24,204 - What's your shtick? - I'm lucky. 632 00:55:24,251 --> 00:55:27,259 - If you're so lucky then what are you doing here with us? - I don't know yet. 633 00:55:27,290 --> 00:55:29,993 - What's that supposed to mean? - It means that I don't know yet. 634 00:55:30,048 --> 00:55:34,351 But there's a reason why I'm here. I don't know why I know. Everything usually works out for me. 635 00:55:34,376 --> 00:55:36,938 - Luck isn't a superpower. - Yes, it is. 636 00:55:36,962 --> 00:55:40,266 - No it's not. No-nay. Mario No-pez. - Yes it is. Hmm-mmm. 637 00:55:40,298 --> 00:55:41,298 - Yeah. - Not-cho cheese. 638 00:55:41,314 --> 00:55:43,282 - No, definitely... - There's no way... 639 00:55:43,306 --> 00:55:45,532 - I, sorry I was interrupting you. - No. I interrupted you. 640 00:55:45,540 --> 00:55:48,383 - No, no, no. You can go first. - I was just gonna say, no it's not. 641 00:55:48,405 --> 00:55:51,118 I was gonna just bring it back to that, yes, it is. 642 00:55:51,164 --> 00:55:54,828 - Let's meet in the middle and say no, it isn't. - But it is. 643 00:55:54,875 --> 00:55:55,875 Okay... 644 00:55:56,156 --> 00:55:59,085 - You're hired! - Oh, lucky me. 645 00:55:59,109 --> 00:56:00,562 She's great. 646 00:56:00,976 --> 00:56:03,781 - And last, but not least. - Peter. 647 00:56:05,240 --> 00:56:07,474 Are you cat-fished here? Or... 648 00:56:07,779 --> 00:56:11,021 Any powers you wanna tell us about? Any, uh... Nope? 649 00:56:11,310 --> 00:56:16,169 I don't have them. I just saw the ad and, thought it looked fun. 650 00:56:17,413 --> 00:56:18,489 - You're in. - Yeah. 651 00:56:18,514 --> 00:56:19,616 Fuck! 652 00:56:29,300 --> 00:56:31,034 Let's go! 653 00:56:44,456 --> 00:56:48,057 This is convoy 17. Departing the Icebox. We're inbound. 654 00:56:55,904 --> 00:56:58,677 Peacetime makes people soft. 655 00:56:59,692 --> 00:57:02,091 I was born into war. 656 00:57:03,138 --> 00:57:05,184 Bred into it. 657 00:57:05,505 --> 00:57:08,731 - Okay. - People think they understand pain. 658 00:57:09,285 --> 00:57:12,722 What's the most pain you've ever felt? 659 00:57:13,706 --> 00:57:16,386 - These strains are pretty... - I've done a list. 660 00:57:17,175 --> 00:57:21,745 We're gonna work down it. Together. 661 00:57:22,019 --> 00:57:24,995 Number one, I'm gonna bend something. 662 00:57:25,120 --> 00:57:27,510 Something that was not meant to bend. 663 00:57:27,534 --> 00:57:29,830 Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there. Because I'm not gonna make it to two. 664 00:57:29,847 --> 00:57:32,916 I won't even make it to one. I don't do well with pain, you know? 665 00:57:32,932 --> 00:57:35,534 I'm done for the day. 666 00:57:35,550 --> 00:57:37,869 I cried when they cancelled Felicity. 667 00:57:37,886 --> 00:57:41,182 Right. I'm really scared, I get nervous erections. I got one right now. 668 00:57:41,198 --> 00:57:44,979 Don't look at it, only make it worse. I don't want you to hurt me and I'll tell you anything, 669 00:57:45,011 --> 00:57:49,119 anything you wanna know. Except for where they are. 670 00:57:49,206 --> 00:57:54,682 Russell's in a convoy heading southbound on Cherry Duggan parkway. The monster's with him. I wouldn't fuck with him. 671 00:57:54,722 --> 00:57:58,784 Intercept the convoy. Grab the boy. Not inappropriately. 672 00:57:58,809 --> 00:58:02,354 Know what, I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either. Because he's built a team. 673 00:58:02,379 --> 00:58:06,457 - He's unstoppable. - He has an ass-pen. He'll stab you with it. 674 00:58:06,474 --> 00:58:08,880 Watch out for this guy, Cable. 675 00:58:08,888 --> 00:58:12,349 He's very short. 5'11". Not like in the comics. 676 00:58:12,380 --> 00:58:14,958 And if we succeed, we'll all go home early. 677 00:58:14,983 --> 00:58:18,014 So you go after them Cable. I warn you. 678 00:58:18,538 --> 00:58:20,956 There's a wind advisory in effect. 679 00:58:31,294 --> 00:58:33,536 A little turbulent out there. 680 00:58:40,298 --> 00:58:42,884 I don't know much about this Cable fella, but I guarantee, 681 00:58:42,909 --> 00:58:45,587 he hasn't killed as many people as melanoma has. 682 00:58:47,086 --> 00:58:50,174 - We're getting close. - As a former X-Man... 683 00:58:50,177 --> 00:58:51,875 - Trainee. - Thank you, Bedlam. 684 00:58:51,899 --> 00:58:55,837 I was always appalled by the blatant sexism in the group's name. 685 00:58:55,861 --> 00:58:57,782 "X-Men?" Men? 686 00:58:57,821 --> 00:59:02,203 The point is our group will be forward-thinking. Gender neutral. 687 00:59:02,228 --> 00:59:05,524 From now on, we'll be known as... 688 00:59:06,820 --> 00:59:08,374 X-Force. 689 00:59:08,383 --> 00:59:12,820 - Isn't that a little derivative? - I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter. 690 00:59:13,600 --> 00:59:15,381 That wasn't me. 691 00:59:22,071 --> 00:59:26,260 Hang along, we are at 1,300 feet. Intercept the convoy and grab the boy. 692 00:59:26,285 --> 00:59:29,925 - Let's bring on the carnage, baby! - Get me on the ground, watch me go! 693 00:59:29,949 --> 00:59:31,769 - Yeah! - Woo! 694 00:59:33,863 --> 00:59:37,628 I just... I just wanna say how proud I am of this team. 695 00:59:37,653 --> 00:59:40,692 You know, you guys, look amazing. 696 00:59:40,770 --> 00:59:43,566 Vanisher I have no doubt you look amazing, too. 697 00:59:43,591 --> 00:59:46,747 If this is the family that I've always dreamed of having, I had... 698 00:59:47,107 --> 00:59:49,880 Shit. I missed out. 699 00:59:49,911 --> 00:59:51,856 I have struggles with that sometimes. 700 00:59:51,881 --> 00:59:55,538 - I hate to interrupt but is anybody nervous about the hard winds? - Gary. 701 00:59:55,563 --> 00:59:58,290 - My name's Peter. - I realize you're new to this. Relax. 702 00:59:58,315 --> 01:00:01,369 - You've been chosen by a higher power. - Did he just call himself god? 703 01:00:01,401 --> 01:00:03,451 - I think he did. - I'd like to go home. 704 01:00:03,476 --> 01:00:06,396 And I'd like the McRib to be available year-round! 705 01:00:06,421 --> 01:00:07,772 But sometimes... 706 01:00:08,374 --> 01:00:11,710 You think we didn't jump out the plane to get a light breeze? 707 01:00:11,741 --> 01:00:14,061 Cure this shit now, moustache! 708 01:00:14,131 --> 01:00:18,443 I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'll never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear. 709 01:00:18,459 --> 01:00:21,779 Hit it! 710 01:00:29,272 --> 01:00:32,576 Go! Go! Go! 711 01:01:06,781 --> 01:01:08,375 Let's get some! 712 01:01:09,743 --> 01:01:11,086 Oh, yeah! 713 01:01:11,111 --> 01:01:14,501 Convoy, 12 o'clock. On my command. 714 01:01:14,689 --> 01:01:16,900 Deploy! 715 01:01:23,326 --> 01:01:25,529 A little off-course here. 716 01:01:26,787 --> 01:01:29,787 Holy mommy fucking shit! 717 01:01:30,896 --> 01:01:34,919 There they are. Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches. 718 01:01:35,786 --> 01:01:38,192 Oh, yeah. That's right, Bedlam. 719 01:01:43,831 --> 01:01:46,596 Motherfucking village! 720 01:01:47,090 --> 01:01:50,480 Shatterstar. Okay. You got this. 721 01:01:50,910 --> 01:01:53,300 Left. Left! 722 01:01:53,316 --> 01:01:56,066 Left, you idiot! 723 01:01:59,469 --> 01:02:03,156 Well, I guess we found something you're not good at. 724 01:02:03,993 --> 01:02:05,375 Vanisher. 725 01:02:05,485 --> 01:02:08,320 Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see. 726 01:02:10,594 --> 01:02:14,203 Really? All right. We can do this with four. 727 01:02:14,633 --> 01:02:17,343 Sugarbear. You got this, buddy. 728 01:02:17,383 --> 01:02:20,664 That's the stuff. That's the X-Force spirit. 729 01:02:20,689 --> 01:02:25,101 Never underestimate a man in a moustache. Just ask anyone in Brooklyn. 730 01:02:25,375 --> 01:02:29,140 - You're a goddamn superhero, you! - X-Force! 731 01:02:29,165 --> 01:02:30,790 X-Force! 732 01:02:40,184 --> 01:02:43,301 - Peter. - I got you. You'll be fine. 733 01:02:43,380 --> 01:02:46,277 You got this big guy. There we go, Peter! 734 01:02:46,333 --> 01:02:50,277 - We're X-Force, right? - We're X-Force! 735 01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:55,575 Oh, my God! What the fuck? 736 01:02:55,607 --> 01:02:58,380 Fucking acidic vomit! 737 01:02:59,428 --> 01:03:02,685 Oh, God. 738 01:03:05,223 --> 01:03:09,871 Okay, I'm over the convoy. Where did the rest of the team land? 739 01:03:10,074 --> 01:03:11,855 Good news and bad news. 740 01:03:11,887 --> 01:03:15,066 The bad news is, the whole team is dead. 741 01:03:15,145 --> 01:03:18,441 The good news is, I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar. 742 01:03:18,466 --> 01:03:22,286 - He was a bit of a prick. But Paul! - Peter. 743 01:03:22,317 --> 01:03:24,389 Peter. We'll miss him most. 744 01:03:24,414 --> 01:03:27,445 But there is a slight chance Vanisher could make it. 745 01:03:27,719 --> 01:03:30,742 - Nope. No chance. He's dead. - The whole team? 746 01:03:30,767 --> 01:03:34,189 - Only the main ones, we're still good. - Fuck, you are dumb. 747 01:03:34,214 --> 01:03:38,987 Even after all this time, I still can't talk about it. Who knew these winds would be so strong? 748 01:03:39,012 --> 01:03:43,387 Everyone. Everyone on the helicopter. Everyone not on the helicopter. 749 01:03:51,321 --> 01:03:54,722 They're headed into the tunnel. 750 01:03:54,891 --> 01:03:58,922 I'm that kid's only hope. So sit tight and wait for my word. 751 01:03:59,242 --> 01:04:06,148 - Whatever. We're gonna lose them. I'm dropping in. - That's a negative, sole survivor. Luck isn't a superpower. 752 01:04:06,173 --> 01:04:10,212 - We are so fucked. - No. We are certainly not fucked. 753 01:04:13,079 --> 01:04:15,906 Seriously, I don't get it. 754 01:04:15,931 --> 01:04:18,766 What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes? 755 01:04:20,395 --> 01:04:24,934 It's just hard to picture. It's certainly not very cinematic. 756 01:04:27,277 --> 01:04:29,934 I mean, luck? What coked out, 757 01:04:29,959 --> 01:04:32,333 - Fuck! - glass-pipe sucking, freakshow 758 01:04:32,358 --> 01:04:34,710 comic book artist came up with that little chest turd? 759 01:04:34,735 --> 01:04:38,014 Probably a guy who can't draw feet! 760 01:04:48,063 --> 01:04:50,777 Once again, it all falls on my shoulders. 761 01:04:50,802 --> 01:04:53,293 It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act. 762 01:04:53,318 --> 01:04:55,443 - I'm in. - I'm sorry. What did you say? 763 01:04:55,468 --> 01:04:58,772 - I'm in. - How in the fuck are you in already? 764 01:04:58,797 --> 01:05:03,648 - Oh, shit. Cable, 12 o'clock! - Shit! New plan. 765 01:05:03,673 --> 01:05:07,743 Use all of your imaginary powers to stop Cable from killing that kid. 766 01:05:07,768 --> 01:05:10,228 I'm coming up on your six. 767 01:05:18,697 --> 01:05:21,345 That is amazing! 768 01:05:30,721 --> 01:05:34,877 - Where is he? I can't see him. - He's on top of you! 769 01:05:36,454 --> 01:05:40,039 He's going in through the back! Oh, God, he's inside! 770 01:05:40,064 --> 01:05:42,986 - You hear yourself, right? - Accidental double entendres! 771 01:05:43,002 --> 01:05:47,744 - Russell. Russell Collins! - Hands off that kid, John Connor! 772 01:05:52,004 --> 01:05:54,097 No, no, no, no! 773 01:05:57,299 --> 01:05:58,792 Shit! 774 01:06:20,494 --> 01:06:23,019 Two can play that game. 775 01:06:24,457 --> 01:06:26,636 Got it! No, I don't. 776 01:06:26,661 --> 01:06:29,801 - Showtime, momma! - Lady luck, take the wheel. 777 01:07:07,687 --> 01:07:12,382 - I'd ask who you are but you'll be dead in seconds. - I'm Domino. And doubtful. 778 01:07:28,454 --> 01:07:33,106 Hang in there, Dom! This is really hard. 779 01:07:44,185 --> 01:07:46,989 You give me back my ski-ball token. 780 01:07:49,333 --> 01:07:51,997 - You're doing great. - X-Force! 781 01:07:53,112 --> 01:07:55,565 I guess dubstep never dies. 782 01:08:07,285 --> 01:08:11,144 You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch! 783 01:08:12,918 --> 01:08:15,224 That's unfortunate. 784 01:08:17,207 --> 01:08:20,535 - We got no brakes. - Figure it out. 785 01:08:24,152 --> 01:08:26,519 There's nothing I can't kill. 786 01:08:29,440 --> 01:08:32,775 Somebody knows... karate. 787 01:08:35,107 --> 01:08:38,091 Give me your best shot, one-eyed Willy. 788 01:08:51,818 --> 01:08:53,325 Oww. 789 01:08:53,928 --> 01:08:55,787 Here we go. 790 01:08:55,812 --> 01:08:59,921 - Domino, mind slowing us down? - Here goes nothing. 791 01:09:31,356 --> 01:09:33,996 Knock, knock. 792 01:09:40,320 --> 01:09:42,890 That's my boy. 793 01:09:47,201 --> 01:09:50,068 Holy... ! 794 01:09:58,898 --> 01:10:03,312 I'll be first to admit. This did not go according to plan. 795 01:10:04,343 --> 01:10:07,780 I'll also be the first to admit that that plan was written in crayon. 796 01:10:07,805 --> 01:10:10,672 Looks like Russell found a new friend. 797 01:10:11,054 --> 01:10:15,553 Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass. And maybe, possibly mildly lucky. 798 01:10:15,605 --> 01:10:19,050 But Cable? Yeesh. That guy's in the mood. 799 01:10:19,339 --> 01:10:22,917 A mood that is about to get significantly worse. 800 01:10:45,472 --> 01:10:48,270 There's something that's terribly, terribly wrong. 801 01:10:54,194 --> 01:10:56,100 Oh, God. That hurt. 802 01:11:05,015 --> 01:11:09,676 Russell? Russell, where are you? 803 01:11:12,210 --> 01:11:13,404 Russell. 804 01:11:13,429 --> 01:11:18,108 Russell, you're okay. Oh, thank Go--- oh, my God! 805 01:11:18,133 --> 01:11:19,859 Juggernaut! 806 01:11:20,839 --> 01:11:24,674 I thought that was you. I shoulda worn my white pants. 807 01:11:25,509 --> 01:11:29,243 You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan. 808 01:11:29,478 --> 01:11:33,032 Uncanny X-Men, 103, 4411, 809 01:11:33,094 --> 01:11:35,557 X-Men Unlimited 12, you know it's always 810 01:11:35,582 --> 01:11:40,563 been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent. 811 01:11:40,588 --> 01:11:42,207 I don't mean right now. 812 01:11:42,243 --> 01:11:47,504 - I'm gonna rip you in half now. - That's such a Juggernaut thing to say. 813 01:11:50,416 --> 01:11:52,289 Oh, my God! 814 01:11:52,314 --> 01:11:55,056 Oh, God, I can't feel my legs. 815 01:11:56,907 --> 01:12:00,070 Oh, well. They're right here. Got them. 816 01:12:00,095 --> 01:12:00,876 Russell. 817 01:12:00,901 --> 01:12:03,086 I have a mission. 818 01:12:03,111 --> 01:12:05,048 To get my revenge. 819 01:12:05,073 --> 01:12:09,244 - I'm going to burn that Headmaster alive. - You're not the revenge type. 820 01:12:09,377 --> 01:12:12,509 - Take it from a friend. - Friend? 821 01:12:12,564 --> 01:12:16,837 You were sick and I protected you. You said it yourself. 822 01:12:16,876 --> 01:12:19,038 I'm not your friend. 823 01:12:19,063 --> 01:12:21,906 Find someone stronger, so I did. 824 01:12:22,773 --> 01:12:28,608 Russell, I couldn't protect you back then, but I can now. What do you want me to say, huh? 825 01:12:28,983 --> 01:12:33,233 I care about you? 'Cause goddammit, I care about you, Russell. 826 01:12:33,487 --> 01:12:37,174 What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? Don't you say "legs"! 827 01:12:37,315 --> 01:12:40,447 - I know you're gonna say "legs"! - Legs! 828 01:12:40,472 --> 01:12:42,749 Still hurts to hear out loud. 829 01:12:44,176 --> 01:12:47,449 What is that? What is tha--- That's not a real rope. 830 01:12:47,504 --> 01:12:49,886 You get back here, young man! 831 01:12:50,192 --> 01:12:51,730 Doms... 832 01:12:51,808 --> 01:12:54,189 Doms, get me out of here please. 833 01:12:54,214 --> 01:12:57,340 Use my arms as backpack straps. 834 01:12:59,499 --> 01:13:02,561 Think we may have found your cosmic reason for being here. 835 01:13:02,729 --> 01:13:06,268 - Pretty sure this isn't it. - X-Force. 836 01:13:19,219 --> 01:13:21,398 No child is hopeless. 837 01:13:21,423 --> 01:13:22,969 - Don't give up on the boy. - How could he just 838 01:13:22,994 --> 01:13:26,812 walk away? There was coldness in his eyes. 839 01:13:27,406 --> 01:13:29,529 You should have heard it. 840 01:13:31,195 --> 01:13:33,906 I guess family really is an F-word. 841 01:13:34,246 --> 01:13:36,566 Rub my legs, mama? 842 01:13:36,652 --> 01:13:38,112 Mama not rub your legs. 843 01:13:38,137 --> 01:13:41,644 Please. It hurt. I have growing pains. 844 01:13:44,007 --> 01:13:45,531 What in the? 845 01:13:45,718 --> 01:13:48,648 Why is your hand so tiny, and your... 846 01:13:48,673 --> 01:13:52,813 - That's not my hand. - Oh, Mary mother of Joseph! 847 01:13:52,891 --> 01:13:55,922 - That was nice for me. - Wade! 848 01:13:55,961 --> 01:13:58,789 Hey, I heard what happened with the convoy and... ! 849 01:14:01,619 --> 01:14:04,236 Why wouldn't you cover that up? 850 01:14:04,261 --> 01:14:06,644 A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of. 851 01:14:06,669 --> 01:14:10,784 Not if you do it. Look at you, you're just straight-shirt cocking it? 852 01:14:10,815 --> 01:14:14,180 - Toddler-style? - Oh, yeah. Full Winnie The Pooh. 853 01:14:14,205 --> 01:14:17,665 - What the hell's happening? Describe it. - I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you. 854 01:14:17,674 --> 01:14:20,758 - Here we go. - It's like he was giving birth anally 855 01:14:20,783 --> 01:14:23,112 but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out 856 01:14:23,137 --> 01:14:25,130 - and they said, "you know what? I'm done." - Happy? 857 01:14:25,155 --> 01:14:27,941 It's like he's a muppet from the waist down but this time, 858 01:14:27,966 --> 01:14:31,106 you can see the muppet's dick. God, he's got a cock the size of... 859 01:14:31,131 --> 01:14:34,802 ... double-park. I got three written... What? 860 01:14:35,622 --> 01:14:38,278 No. No. No. DP, not again. 861 01:14:38,364 --> 01:14:40,528 This has happened before? 862 01:14:41,105 --> 01:14:43,700 Jesus! Either vomit or don't. The decision is killing me. 863 01:14:43,725 --> 01:14:46,168 Why couldn't God take my hearing. 864 01:14:48,701 --> 01:14:51,320 - Wow. - Cool your pants. They're growing back. 865 01:14:51,345 --> 01:14:53,257 I'm talking about your face. 866 01:14:53,282 --> 01:14:56,264 I've never seen you without your mask before. Jesus Christ! 867 01:14:56,289 --> 01:14:59,467 - Looks like an avocado. - Your legs, though. They're cute. 868 01:14:59,492 --> 01:15:01,773 You wanna borrow a pair of pants? 869 01:15:02,934 --> 01:15:06,879 I'm glad everybody dropped by. You must be wondering why I didn't call you here. 870 01:15:06,904 --> 01:15:10,739 I'll tell you why I'm here. The time-traveler's wife's 871 01:15:10,764 --> 01:15:13,834 husband beat me within an inch of my life. He was torturing me. 872 01:15:13,859 --> 01:15:16,814 But all I told him was everything he wanted to know. 873 01:15:16,839 --> 01:15:19,758 So, I'm here to help us gear up. 874 01:15:19,783 --> 01:15:22,149 - So we can go after him without me. - No. 875 01:15:22,174 --> 01:15:25,713 I'm doing this alone. The Juggernaut will kill you all. 876 01:15:25,760 --> 01:15:29,194 - I'll just need a couple of hours to get some legs under me. - What will you do? 877 01:15:29,202 --> 01:15:32,162 I don't care what the kid did to me. I won't let Cable get to him 878 01:15:32,187 --> 01:15:35,624 - even if I have to teabag him to death. - It's really just a sip of tea at this point. 879 01:15:35,649 --> 01:15:39,337 Zip it, Black-Black Widow. I'm flowing. The first order of business is to get me in front of Cable 880 01:15:39,344 --> 01:15:43,734 so I can put all the fucking blood out of his body and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry. 881 01:15:43,812 --> 01:15:45,694 Then, I'm gonna take his skin. 882 01:15:45,719 --> 01:15:49,124 And stretch it out over our homemade mating drum. 883 01:15:50,058 --> 01:15:52,613 He's standing right behind you, isn't he? 884 01:16:00,403 --> 01:16:02,496 What in the ass. 885 01:16:02,521 --> 01:16:05,440 Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr? 886 01:16:05,465 --> 01:16:08,902 You picked the wrong shithole to fuck, future boy. 887 01:16:09,168 --> 01:16:11,965 Is that really necessary? 888 01:16:13,432 --> 01:16:16,524 No. It's his Basic Instinct. 889 01:16:16,549 --> 01:16:18,367 What can we help you with? 890 01:16:18,392 --> 01:16:20,977 I'm here to proposition you. 891 01:16:22,548 --> 01:16:26,024 - He's really teeing it up, is he? - He gets to make the first joke. 892 01:16:26,049 --> 01:16:28,454 - I think we shot through him at the same time. - Good call. 893 01:16:28,479 --> 01:16:29,900 For $45 you get sucky-suck... 894 01:16:29,925 --> 01:16:32,397 - I only do over the pants. Mouths step... - Fuck! 895 01:16:32,422 --> 01:16:34,797 The Proposition has a wonderful Guy Pearce performance. 896 01:16:34,822 --> 01:16:36,649 Wait, wait, wait. I wanna do mine over. 897 01:16:36,674 --> 01:16:37,711 Give us the line again? 898 01:16:37,736 --> 01:16:39,188 I need your help! 899 01:16:39,347 --> 01:16:41,886 Trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are. 900 01:16:41,911 --> 01:16:44,817 But you unleashed the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt! 901 01:16:44,873 --> 01:16:46,942 I can't bring him down alone. 902 01:16:47,021 --> 01:16:49,278 So here we are. 903 01:16:50,044 --> 01:16:53,565 Well we're no longer accepting applications for X-Force, unfortunately. 904 01:16:53,590 --> 01:16:55,035 Even if we were... 905 01:16:55,060 --> 01:16:56,644 There's a wind advisory in effect... 906 01:16:56,668 --> 01:16:59,847 We don't have a lot of time. Your friend's about to make his first kill. 907 01:16:59,872 --> 01:17:01,373 No offense, but if you know so much, 908 01:17:01,398 --> 01:17:03,973 why not travel back to when he was a baby and kill him then? 909 01:17:03,998 --> 01:17:08,544 - Or better yet, head back a little further. Kill baby Hitler. - I use a device to slide through time. 910 01:17:08,569 --> 01:17:11,083 The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. 911 01:17:11,108 --> 01:17:15,475 I got two charges. One to get me here, one to get me home. 912 01:17:15,881 --> 01:17:21,121 - That's just lazy writing. - Your boy's gonna kill the Headmaster in the orphanage tonight. 913 01:17:21,146 --> 01:17:26,161 - After that, he gets a real taste for it. - Like 10-year old Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker. 914 01:17:26,231 --> 01:17:29,366 So he keeps killing. And killing. 915 01:17:29,929 --> 01:17:31,371 And killing. 916 01:17:31,396 --> 01:17:35,231 Until one day he kills the wrong fucking people. 917 01:17:36,858 --> 01:17:38,412 My people. 918 01:17:41,877 --> 01:17:43,446 Relax. 919 01:17:43,471 --> 01:17:46,189 I'm retrieving something from my utility bag. 920 01:17:46,214 --> 01:17:50,901 It's a goddamn fanny pack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch. 921 01:17:50,926 --> 01:17:53,347 The difference is night and day. 922 01:17:54,742 --> 01:17:56,941 You remind me of my wife. 923 01:17:57,484 --> 01:17:59,836 - I'm sorry? - I said, you remind me of my... 924 01:17:59,861 --> 01:18:04,017 No, I'm sorry that you said that. While making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm. 925 01:18:04,025 --> 01:18:05,962 She always joked. 926 01:18:06,103 --> 01:18:07,826 And she was funny. 927 01:18:07,851 --> 01:18:10,819 She filtered her pain. Replaced it with humor. 928 01:18:10,937 --> 01:18:13,710 Something I could never master. 929 01:18:13,735 --> 01:18:16,563 It was my fault she died. 930 01:18:17,758 --> 01:18:21,221 It was my job to stop people like him. 931 01:18:21,547 --> 01:18:25,481 I came close, a few times. 932 01:18:27,534 --> 01:18:30,448 I wasn't too happy about that. 933 01:18:31,049 --> 01:18:35,072 But he was trying to hurt me and he knew exactly how to do it. 934 01:18:38,645 --> 01:18:42,527 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand. 935 01:18:44,937 --> 01:18:47,272 He came into my home... 936 01:18:47,297 --> 01:18:50,429 And took the only thing that made it a home. 937 01:18:54,399 --> 01:18:58,125 - Sound familiar? - I'm sorry. 938 01:18:58,720 --> 01:19:00,759 No. I'm really sorry. 939 01:19:02,237 --> 01:19:04,330 But that isn't Russell. 940 01:19:04,588 --> 01:19:06,666 - It doesn't have to be him. - If you knew what I knew... 941 01:19:06,691 --> 01:19:11,620 Yeah. He's got anger issues. Maybe a small learning disability. A splash of diabetes. 942 01:19:11,652 --> 01:19:14,706 - But nothing that can't be fixed... - If you can go back... 943 01:19:14,736 --> 01:19:17,421 And stop the people that took your girl, would you? 944 01:19:17,446 --> 01:19:19,615 Of course, I fucking would. 945 01:19:19,765 --> 01:19:23,060 - But I wouldn't kill a kid. - I'm not asking you to kill the kid. 946 01:19:23,085 --> 01:19:24,739 I'll kill the kid. 947 01:19:24,764 --> 01:19:28,246 I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids. 948 01:19:28,271 --> 01:19:30,802 Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage. 949 01:19:30,827 --> 01:19:35,631 And I can imagine your dead girlfriend would've wanted you to do the right thing, wouldn't she? 950 01:19:35,971 --> 01:19:39,323 So what's it gonna be, handsome? 951 01:19:39,348 --> 01:19:41,637 - Give me a chance to save him. - What? 952 01:19:41,662 --> 01:19:44,333 You said it. Once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it. 953 01:19:44,358 --> 01:19:48,403 If we can get to him before that happens, promise you'll give me a chance, 954 01:19:48,428 --> 01:19:51,420 - to put him on a different path. - Define "chance". 955 01:19:51,445 --> 01:19:53,763 I don't know. How long does it take to save someone's soul? 956 01:19:53,788 --> 01:19:56,614 - I give you 30 seconds. - That--- what? No. 957 01:19:56,639 --> 01:19:58,940 Best I can do. Take it or leave it. 958 01:20:09,322 --> 01:20:11,868 He's doing it. Look at the little fella. 959 01:20:11,893 --> 01:20:14,377 He's doing it. Here it comes. 960 01:20:14,432 --> 01:20:15,939 Jesus Christ. 961 01:20:15,964 --> 01:20:18,494 Just shirt cockin'. 962 01:20:19,268 --> 01:20:23,327 Here you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it. 963 01:20:23,352 --> 01:20:26,773 You beautiful, hairless, twizzler-legged baby boy. 964 01:20:28,681 --> 01:20:29,617 Christ. 965 01:20:29,642 --> 01:20:31,126 That's disturbing. 966 01:20:31,151 --> 01:20:33,408 Thirty seconds. 967 01:20:37,896 --> 01:20:40,497 - Deal. - Deal. 968 01:20:42,157 --> 01:20:46,563 - I have no idea what's happening. - Probably for the best. 969 01:20:47,962 --> 01:20:51,212 And that, is why you never eat a raw starfish. 970 01:20:51,237 --> 01:20:52,785 It's just common sense. 971 01:20:53,801 --> 01:20:55,363 Where the hell are we going? 972 01:20:55,388 --> 01:20:58,512 You said it yourself. Nothing can stop the Juggernaut. 973 01:20:58,537 --> 01:21:02,223 - We need backup. - I will bathe in the blood of your enemies. 974 01:21:06,472 --> 01:21:08,812 Can you turn off the music? 975 01:21:09,103 --> 01:21:11,486 You will do no such thing. 976 01:21:11,620 --> 01:21:13,807 Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent? 977 01:21:13,880 --> 01:21:16,910 - What the hell are you... - Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head. 978 01:21:16,935 --> 01:21:18,654 I'm so sorry. It gets better. 979 01:21:18,679 --> 01:21:20,608 I'm not a fucking racist, you moron. 980 01:21:20,633 --> 01:21:23,304 Tell it to Black Tom. He was like a brother to me. 981 01:21:23,375 --> 01:21:26,757 I'm with the old white guy on this one. Not such a waste. 982 01:21:26,867 --> 01:21:29,702 So what exactly do you do in this future anyway, huh? 983 01:21:29,727 --> 01:21:30,822 Some kind of soldier? 984 01:21:30,847 --> 01:21:32,715 Yeah. Something like that. 985 01:21:32,740 --> 01:21:34,911 I was a soldier. Special Forces. 986 01:21:34,936 --> 01:21:39,705 - I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies. - 50 years from now, you're very dead. 987 01:21:39,730 --> 01:21:42,576 Your entire generation fucked this planet into a coma. 988 01:21:42,615 --> 01:21:43,572 Boom! 989 01:21:43,597 --> 01:21:44,830 Spoiler alert! 990 01:21:46,464 --> 01:21:47,861 Planets. 991 01:21:47,886 --> 01:21:49,479 Next time, Uber. 992 01:21:49,504 --> 01:21:51,447 Here's a spoiler alert: 993 01:21:51,472 --> 01:21:53,893 You're not a fucking hero. 994 01:21:53,973 --> 01:21:57,543 You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy. 995 01:21:57,750 --> 01:22:00,445 Well I got news for you. My heart's in the right place. 996 01:22:00,470 --> 01:22:02,087 Russell's not gonna kill anyone. 997 01:22:02,111 --> 01:22:04,587 Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like. 998 01:22:04,620 --> 01:22:08,166 Because of you, I'll always know what a grown man with baby balls looks like. 999 01:22:08,190 --> 01:22:10,666 I'm a grower. Not a shower. 1000 01:22:10,691 --> 01:22:13,276 - I should've finished college. - Right here! 1001 01:22:30,965 --> 01:22:33,297 I've made mistakes. 1002 01:22:33,322 --> 01:22:36,604 I wanna take it back. You trusted me, 1003 01:22:36,629 --> 01:22:41,158 I took that trust and turned it into a glory hole in an airport bathroom. 1004 01:22:41,183 --> 01:22:42,947 The one in Minneapolis. 1005 01:22:42,972 --> 01:22:44,654 You know the one. 1006 01:22:44,679 --> 01:22:46,145 Colossus? 1007 01:22:46,170 --> 01:22:48,521 I wouldn't ask for your help unless it was life or death. 1008 01:22:48,546 --> 01:22:50,630 That kid needs our help. 1009 01:22:50,655 --> 01:22:54,100 I know you're listening. He's teamed up with the Juggernaut. 1010 01:22:54,125 --> 01:22:57,235 The Juggernaut! That's like my favorite Marvel character ever 1011 01:22:57,260 --> 01:23:01,228 but you should never meet your heroes. Because honestly, he's a bit of a dick. 1012 01:23:01,345 --> 01:23:03,798 And like a lot of dicks, he's as hard as a rock 1013 01:23:03,823 --> 01:23:05,805 and causes nothing but problems! 1014 01:23:05,830 --> 01:23:07,698 - Hi, Wade! - Hi, Yukio. 1015 01:23:07,721 --> 01:23:10,110 You guys make a super cute couple. Yeah. 1016 01:23:10,135 --> 01:23:13,086 Where was I? Oh, yeah. Colossus, look... 1017 01:23:13,111 --> 01:23:15,830 I don't deserve your friendship, or your help. 1018 01:23:15,855 --> 01:23:17,563 But this kid does. 1019 01:23:17,588 --> 01:23:20,556 And I'm not gonna bail on him like everyone else. 1020 01:23:22,135 --> 01:23:24,369 Oh, come on. 1021 01:23:28,365 --> 01:23:32,911 Any chance Pigeon-wings is available? That's just fine. 1022 01:23:32,935 --> 01:23:35,442 That's fine. No, you know what? 1023 01:23:35,467 --> 01:23:39,241 Doing the right thing is sometimes messy and fucked up, 1024 01:23:39,266 --> 01:23:41,795 and not particularly convenient. 1025 01:23:41,860 --> 01:23:44,851 So stay here, in Chateau des Virgin, 1026 01:23:44,876 --> 01:23:47,852 while we go get our fuck on. 1027 01:23:50,306 --> 01:23:52,383 You're doing great. 1028 01:23:57,120 --> 01:24:00,471 So you wear that helmet because your brother tries to read your mind? 1029 01:24:00,496 --> 01:24:03,824 Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even steven. 1030 01:24:03,855 --> 01:24:06,446 Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir. 1031 01:24:06,471 --> 01:24:08,681 And he's not alone. 1032 01:24:08,713 --> 01:24:11,174 Secure the children. 1033 01:24:14,472 --> 01:24:17,409 What do you say we go fuck some shit up? 1034 01:24:17,434 --> 01:24:19,057 "Let's fuck some shit up", 1035 01:24:19,082 --> 01:24:21,378 is my legal middle name. 1036 01:24:24,479 --> 01:24:27,416 Watch my back. I got the old man. 1037 01:24:27,479 --> 01:24:29,398 Amen, brother. 1038 01:24:35,010 --> 01:24:36,877 Time to get the chimichangas. 1039 01:24:36,932 --> 01:24:38,486 Thirty seconds. 1040 01:24:39,172 --> 01:24:41,703 I finally know why I'm here. 1041 01:24:41,844 --> 01:24:43,844 I was raised in this place. 1042 01:24:43,885 --> 01:24:46,148 But... not raised. I was tortured. 1043 01:24:46,181 --> 01:24:49,534 Wow. It's your cosmic reason for being here. Shall we? 1044 01:24:49,559 --> 01:24:51,595 This is gonna be fun! 1045 01:24:51,620 --> 01:24:54,252 Hey. Been meaning to ask you, what's with the, 1046 01:24:54,276 --> 01:24:56,783 creepy, dirty hobo-bear? 1047 01:24:56,854 --> 01:25:00,549 That's not dirt. That's the blood of my dead daughter. 1048 01:25:02,604 --> 01:25:04,541 I get gluten sensitivity. 1049 01:25:04,573 --> 01:25:08,338 One glass of wine would just.... Yeah. 1050 01:25:11,847 --> 01:25:14,871 Wish we could head back in time and take all that back. 1051 01:25:14,902 --> 01:25:16,862 We should just cue the music. 1052 01:25:41,404 --> 01:25:43,293 Welcome home, Russell. 1053 01:25:43,318 --> 01:25:45,185 We missed you. 1054 01:25:45,459 --> 01:25:47,834 Russell! You don't need to do this. 1055 01:25:47,901 --> 01:25:49,440 Let's talk. 1056 01:25:49,834 --> 01:25:52,404 Why are you dressed like the Unabomber? 1057 01:25:55,318 --> 01:25:57,739 - That's why. - This little fucker's too far gone. 1058 01:25:57,765 --> 01:26:00,733 Zip it, Thanos. We have a deal. You... 1059 01:26:01,042 --> 01:26:02,031 Hey! 1060 01:26:02,056 --> 01:26:06,399 I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass. 1061 01:26:06,563 --> 01:26:08,938 My modelling hands are so soft. 1062 01:26:08,969 --> 01:26:11,758 - You should probably head back to the car. - I think I'll head back to the car. 1063 01:26:13,000 --> 01:26:16,125 It works best when you pull the trigger. 1064 01:26:18,757 --> 01:26:21,100 Your gun's amazing. 1065 01:26:21,312 --> 01:26:22,836 Say it! 1066 01:26:24,687 --> 01:26:28,163 You are an abomination! 1067 01:26:35,084 --> 01:26:38,341 Now I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy. 1068 01:26:38,366 --> 01:26:41,023 I believe him. Every man for themselves! 1069 01:26:45,296 --> 01:26:46,928 Gotcha! 1070 01:26:51,038 --> 01:26:54,155 You okay, big guy? The sun's getting real low. 1071 01:26:54,179 --> 01:26:56,288 Ah, shit-fucker. 1072 01:27:09,439 --> 01:27:11,329 Come on, beautiful. 1073 01:27:12,961 --> 01:27:14,477 Say it! 1074 01:28:12,968 --> 01:28:14,624 You came for me. 1075 01:28:14,632 --> 01:28:18,312 I'm not giving up on you and you're not giving up on that boy. 1076 01:28:18,337 --> 01:28:20,329 Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken? 1077 01:28:20,353 --> 01:28:22,813 It's time to fight dirty. 1078 01:28:22,829 --> 01:28:25,079 - Time to see the light, Johnny. - Hey! 1079 01:28:25,103 --> 01:28:29,094 - Pick on someone your own size. - That's such a you thing to say. 1080 01:28:29,118 --> 01:28:31,149 Go get 'em, tiger! 1081 01:28:31,185 --> 01:28:34,130 Big CGI fight coming up. 1082 01:28:56,087 --> 01:28:58,735 - He's doing great. - Say it! 1083 01:29:02,693 --> 01:29:05,169 - Russell. - Bingo! 1084 01:29:19,823 --> 01:29:20,885 Great. 1085 01:29:20,910 --> 01:29:23,885 Bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes. 1086 01:29:23,909 --> 01:29:27,041 - Can I have one of those guns? - No. 1087 01:29:27,081 --> 01:29:28,760 That's fine. 1088 01:29:29,502 --> 01:29:33,048 Just gonna use this brick. Maximum effort. 1089 01:29:38,713 --> 01:29:41,650 Who says you can't go home again? 1090 01:30:01,001 --> 01:30:02,626 Say it. 1091 01:30:02,650 --> 01:30:05,985 Say what you say everytime you torture me. 1092 01:30:06,063 --> 01:30:07,063 Say it! 1093 01:30:07,111 --> 01:30:11,055 Blessed are the wicked who are healed! By my hand! 1094 01:30:11,509 --> 01:30:17,055 Blessed are the wicked, who are healed by my hand. 1095 01:30:35,029 --> 01:30:37,404 Carny motherfucker! 1096 01:31:03,417 --> 01:31:06,151 Oh my God. Did you feel that, too? 1097 01:31:06,176 --> 01:31:09,354 Only best buddies execute pedophiles together. 1098 01:31:11,283 --> 01:31:15,306 - You got 30 seconds, you butt-plug. - Now you're getting it! 1099 01:31:19,271 --> 01:31:22,146 I need a bus to get you all out of here. 1100 01:31:27,091 --> 01:31:29,051 Orphans... 1101 01:31:29,083 --> 01:31:30,958 Oh, geez. 1102 01:31:31,958 --> 01:31:33,739 It's time... 1103 01:31:33,778 --> 01:31:37,942 - To burn for what you've done! - A child should not be burdened with such power. 1104 01:31:45,949 --> 01:31:48,027 Russell! Wait! 1105 01:32:01,587 --> 01:32:04,633 - Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet. - What more do you need to see? 1106 01:32:04,665 --> 01:32:07,022 Don't you fucking dare! He's just a kid. 1107 01:32:07,047 --> 01:32:09,406 Tick-tock. He is one. 1108 01:32:21,521 --> 01:32:24,934 I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring. 1109 01:32:44,852 --> 01:32:47,961 - I told you! Leave me alone! - Come on. 1110 01:32:47,992 --> 01:32:50,312 Listen to me. 1111 01:33:12,986 --> 01:33:16,112 That's how we do it in Mother Russia. 1112 01:33:17,373 --> 01:33:20,677 They say millenials are the hardest to reach. 1113 01:33:26,004 --> 01:33:28,988 Damn, it feels good to be a gangstah. 1114 01:33:29,168 --> 01:33:32,996 Go home, Wade. You're ruining everything. 1115 01:33:38,193 --> 01:33:41,177 - I'm getting good at this shit. - Go, go, go, go, go! 1116 01:33:44,181 --> 01:33:48,321 He dies tonight, Wade. You can't stop me. 1117 01:33:48,642 --> 01:33:50,701 He even runs like a fucking pervert. 1118 01:33:50,726 --> 01:33:53,656 Like an online predator who lost his laptop. 1119 01:33:54,284 --> 01:33:56,612 I have one bullet left in that gun. 1120 01:33:56,637 --> 01:33:59,394 Wait, wait, wait. Please just give me a second. I got this. 1121 01:34:00,043 --> 01:34:02,175 Stay back! Go home, Wade. 1122 01:34:02,200 --> 01:34:04,533 Let's talk! There's nothing going his way. 1123 01:34:04,909 --> 01:34:06,557 That piece of shit... 1124 01:34:06,582 --> 01:34:09,221 He deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you. 1125 01:34:09,246 --> 01:34:10,152 Badly. 1126 01:34:10,177 --> 01:34:12,564 Makes you wanna hurt others. 1127 01:34:12,589 --> 01:34:14,401 But if you kill him, he wins. 1128 01:34:14,426 --> 01:34:16,545 You become everything he says you are, 1129 01:34:16,570 --> 01:34:18,084 but worse. 1130 01:34:18,241 --> 01:34:19,851 You're just a kid. 1131 01:34:20,054 --> 01:34:22,072 You don't wanna hurt anyone. 1132 01:34:22,097 --> 01:34:25,569 - How do you know what I want? - Because I've been inside you. 1133 01:34:25,628 --> 01:34:29,424 That came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes. 1134 01:34:29,462 --> 01:34:32,798 Which, is also off-putting. It's not a good analogy. 1135 01:34:32,822 --> 01:34:34,736 The point is... 1136 01:34:34,783 --> 01:34:36,540 There are people. 1137 01:34:36,564 --> 01:34:40,822 There are people in this fucking world besides him, 1138 01:34:40,847 --> 01:34:45,214 who will treat you right. It isn't too late. Don't do it. 1139 01:34:49,970 --> 01:34:52,618 I never should've left you there. 1140 01:34:54,619 --> 01:34:57,158 I never should have left you there. 1141 01:35:03,643 --> 01:35:06,033 I can't trust you. 1142 01:35:06,457 --> 01:35:09,386 I can't trust anybody! 1143 01:35:17,947 --> 01:35:21,565 - Wonderful, kid. - You can't stop me, Wade! 1144 01:35:23,322 --> 01:35:25,337 I got one more idea. 1145 01:35:25,916 --> 01:35:29,493 - It's just a really bad one, even for me. - Wade, what are you doing? 1146 01:35:29,517 --> 01:35:32,220 Alright, this is for all the marbles, kid. 1147 01:35:32,244 --> 01:35:34,595 You gonna trust someone tonight? 1148 01:35:34,634 --> 01:35:38,102 - Blessed are the wicked... - Then it's gotta be me. 1149 01:35:39,097 --> 01:35:41,860 Who are healed by my hand! 1150 01:36:47,217 --> 01:36:50,320 Tell me, they got that in slow-motion. 1151 01:36:54,831 --> 01:36:57,222 That's not good. 1152 01:36:58,112 --> 01:36:59,791 No, sir. 1153 01:37:07,124 --> 01:37:11,538 - You sacrificed yourself, for me? - Yeah. 1154 01:37:11,563 --> 01:37:14,063 And it was the best thing I ever did. 1155 01:37:15,836 --> 01:37:17,967 I told you I care about you. 1156 01:37:17,992 --> 01:37:20,695 You're a good kid, Russell. 1157 01:37:21,521 --> 01:37:22,715 Hey. 1158 01:37:23,816 --> 01:37:26,739 The bear. It worked. 1159 01:37:33,460 --> 01:37:35,145 Because of you. 1160 01:37:35,170 --> 01:37:38,170 No, Wade. Because of you. 1161 01:37:38,255 --> 01:37:41,483 Stop. Stop! Stop. Stop. 1162 01:37:41,508 --> 01:37:44,491 Just... Just let it happen. 1163 01:37:44,516 --> 01:37:46,586 Okay? I guess... 1164 01:37:46,611 --> 01:37:49,470 I guess my heart was finally in the right place. 1165 01:37:49,649 --> 01:37:52,188 That riddle is so fucked up. 1166 01:37:56,472 --> 01:37:58,104 I'm sorry. 1167 01:37:58,121 --> 01:37:59,964 - I'm so sorry. - Don't be. 1168 01:38:00,004 --> 01:38:02,566 Don't be. I've been trying to make this happen for a while. 1169 01:38:02,590 --> 01:38:06,034 Yeah. Please, just, don't leave. I don't wanna die without an audience. 1170 01:38:06,051 --> 01:38:08,551 - We are not going anywhere. - Oh, God. 1171 01:38:08,575 --> 01:38:10,887 The Academy is watching. 1172 01:38:12,841 --> 01:38:14,473 Papa? 1173 01:38:16,458 --> 01:38:19,231 Papa can you hear me? 1174 01:38:20,583 --> 01:38:23,817 Papa can you find me? 1175 01:38:47,678 --> 01:38:50,295 Before I go, sorry... 1176 01:38:50,320 --> 01:38:53,077 I got a bit more in me. Domino... 1177 01:38:53,108 --> 01:38:57,685 I want you, to have my Adventure Time watch. 1178 01:38:59,921 --> 01:39:03,303 Sounds like that I'm the lucky one. 1179 01:39:03,942 --> 01:39:05,686 Thank you. 1180 01:39:06,210 --> 01:39:09,295 Hey, Sabrina the teenage witch... 1181 01:39:09,857 --> 01:39:12,544 It has been a pleasure. 1182 01:39:13,523 --> 01:39:16,131 - Hi, Yukio. - Hi, Wade! 1183 01:39:16,156 --> 01:39:21,382 Yeah... And you! Chrome-bone. 1184 01:39:21,890 --> 01:39:27,100 I haven't always been the best friend to you, but you've always been that to me. 1185 01:39:27,319 --> 01:39:29,506 So thank you. 1186 01:39:30,619 --> 01:39:32,837 Say 'fuck' for me. 1187 01:39:33,291 --> 01:39:37,838 Just once. Come on. We'll do it together. It's no big deal. Here we go. 1, 2, 3... 1188 01:39:39,681 --> 01:39:42,656 - Fuck. - Wow. Enjoy hell. 1189 01:39:42,681 --> 01:39:46,915 Swamp-mouth. And you. Cable. 1190 01:39:48,352 --> 01:39:52,148 You get back to your family. You tell them Wade says 'hi'. 1191 01:39:52,422 --> 01:39:56,156 And promise me. Promise me one thing... 1192 01:39:56,475 --> 01:39:59,201 That you'll start judging people not by the color of their skin 1193 01:39:59,226 --> 01:40:01,632 but by the content of their character. 1194 01:40:01,943 --> 01:40:03,130 Jesus. 1195 01:40:05,755 --> 01:40:06,997 Hey. 1196 01:40:07,466 --> 01:40:10,333 You're a superhero now, bubba. 1197 01:40:10,466 --> 01:40:11,841 Look... 1198 01:40:11,896 --> 01:40:13,231 Family, 1199 01:40:13,279 --> 01:40:16,537 is not an F-word, all right? 1200 01:40:18,350 --> 01:40:20,537 Just keep looking, okay? 1201 01:40:23,344 --> 01:40:26,554 Guys? For a second there... 1202 01:40:26,972 --> 01:40:29,691 We would've made a pretty good team. 1203 01:40:44,162 --> 01:40:46,208 Oh, it's so hard to go! 1204 01:40:47,576 --> 01:40:50,630 I just love being with all you guys so much. 1205 01:40:51,193 --> 01:40:53,052 So, so much. 1206 01:40:54,484 --> 01:40:57,216 Oh, I can feel it now. Here it comes. Yeah. 1207 01:40:57,358 --> 01:41:01,210 Feel the soul, exiting the husk... 1208 01:41:04,161 --> 01:41:06,250 Can you see it? 1209 01:41:06,756 --> 01:41:09,067 Do you see that beautiful bright light? 1210 01:41:09,973 --> 01:41:12,147 There it is. 1211 01:41:17,682 --> 01:41:20,588 No, that's the sun. Don't stare directly into that. 1212 01:41:20,798 --> 01:41:22,938 I'd just like a few final words... 1213 01:41:24,525 --> 01:41:26,290 Woodpecker. 1214 01:41:26,501 --> 01:41:28,274 Gingivitis. 1215 01:41:29,949 --> 01:41:31,995 Codswallop. 1216 01:41:35,746 --> 01:41:38,550 Do you wanna build a snowman? 1217 01:42:53,800 --> 01:42:56,612 Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of... 1218 01:42:56,683 --> 01:42:59,847 Handicappable children stuck in a tree. No. 1219 01:43:00,765 --> 01:43:03,791 - But I did have to help a kid. - Yeah. 1220 01:43:03,816 --> 01:43:05,917 - He's got a terrible name. - Just awful. 1221 01:43:05,942 --> 01:43:08,192 I tried to tell him. 1222 01:43:08,988 --> 01:43:10,902 Is this heaven? 1223 01:43:11,186 --> 01:43:13,113 It is now. 1224 01:43:15,975 --> 01:43:18,165 I'm so sorry. 1225 01:43:18,677 --> 01:43:20,380 It's okay. 1226 01:43:39,814 --> 01:43:42,548 I missed you so much. 1227 01:43:47,476 --> 01:43:49,561 What is it? What's wrong? 1228 01:43:50,461 --> 01:43:52,664 It's not time. 1229 01:43:52,889 --> 01:43:55,045 What do you mean, it's not time? 1230 01:43:55,100 --> 01:43:56,812 I'm here. I made it. 1231 01:43:56,837 --> 01:43:59,381 - You can't stay. - No, no, no. I'm staying. 1232 01:43:59,415 --> 01:44:01,429 I'm not going anywhere without you. 1233 01:44:01,454 --> 01:44:02,789 It's okay. 1234 01:44:02,814 --> 01:44:05,642 There's a time for us. It's just not now. 1235 01:44:06,470 --> 01:44:09,345 - They need you. - Who? 1236 01:44:10,923 --> 01:44:12,727 Your F-word. 1237 01:44:13,640 --> 01:44:16,665 - Why? - You'll find out. 1238 01:44:17,803 --> 01:44:20,303 It's all right. I'll be here. 1239 01:44:20,637 --> 01:44:22,629 I love you. 1240 01:44:24,356 --> 01:44:26,145 I know. 1241 01:44:26,170 --> 01:44:29,560 I love you, too. Now, go. 1242 01:44:29,927 --> 01:44:32,560 Go on. Go, get out of here. 1243 01:44:33,529 --> 01:44:34,529 Go. 1244 01:44:37,179 --> 01:44:38,739 Hey. 1245 01:44:40,898 --> 01:44:43,750 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 1246 01:44:43,882 --> 01:44:45,523 Well, come here. 1247 01:45:04,318 --> 01:45:05,896 Don't fuck Elvis. 1248 01:45:05,921 --> 01:45:07,488 Don't fuck Colossus. 1249 01:45:07,513 --> 01:45:08,772 What? 1250 01:45:17,232 --> 01:45:18,841 Time to make the chimichangas. 1251 01:45:18,857 --> 01:45:19,568 Thirty seconds. 1252 01:45:19,592 --> 01:45:21,826 Hey, been meaning to ask you. What's with the... 1253 01:45:21,851 --> 01:45:23,444 Creepy, dirty hobo-bear? 1254 01:45:23,469 --> 01:45:25,562 That's my daughter's Teddy bear. 1255 01:45:25,587 --> 01:45:29,118 - Her name's Hope. - Oh. 1256 01:45:29,236 --> 01:45:33,142 What are you doing? Somebody swiped right. 1257 01:45:45,365 --> 01:45:48,302 Tell me they got that in slow-motion. 1258 01:45:50,962 --> 01:45:54,547 - You sacrificed yourself for me? - Hey, what's here? I... 1259 01:45:56,871 --> 01:45:57,973 Huh. 1260 01:45:58,777 --> 01:46:01,144 Genuine high-grade lead. 1261 01:46:03,386 --> 01:46:06,331 You time-sliding son of a bitch. 1262 01:46:06,356 --> 01:46:08,542 You did this for me? 1263 01:46:09,395 --> 01:46:10,809 Wait... 1264 01:46:10,902 --> 01:46:12,878 You can't go back. 1265 01:46:12,917 --> 01:46:15,688 You used the last of your fuel. What about your girl and wife? 1266 01:46:15,713 --> 01:46:17,634 No, my family's safe. 1267 01:46:17,659 --> 01:46:20,416 And I didn't do it for you. 1268 01:46:20,713 --> 01:46:23,290 Now I'm gonna stick around for a while. 1269 01:46:23,315 --> 01:46:26,549 Make sure the world doesn't shit itself into oblivion. 1270 01:46:27,238 --> 01:46:31,816 - Aww. You did it for me. - No, I didn't. 1271 01:46:32,070 --> 01:46:33,477 - You did. - I didn't. 1272 01:46:33,502 --> 01:46:35,400 - Pretty sure you did. - No, I'm positive I didn't. 1273 01:46:35,425 --> 01:46:37,416 Fine. Alright. Let's flip a coin, okay? 1274 01:46:37,441 --> 01:46:40,221 Heads, did it for me, tails, you did it for me. 1275 01:46:40,246 --> 01:46:43,066 I'm not even gonna look because you did it for me. 1276 01:46:43,150 --> 01:46:44,563 - Say it again. - You did it for me. 1277 01:46:44,595 --> 01:46:46,188 - Jesus. - We must get the collar off. 1278 01:46:46,213 --> 01:46:49,072 Forget it. It's no use. These collars don't just come off. 1279 01:46:49,097 --> 01:46:52,541 Wade... I have an idea. 1280 01:46:53,030 --> 01:46:55,170 Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's not do that, please. 1281 01:46:55,186 --> 01:46:58,226 I'd rather die of cancer. That's just... Oh, God. 1282 01:46:58,251 --> 01:47:00,977 They do say, the pen is grosser than the sword. 1283 01:47:01,821 --> 01:47:04,242 - We need the code. - Try, uhh... 1284 01:47:04,453 --> 01:47:06,734 - Seven? - Settle down, Captain Lucky. 1285 01:47:06,758 --> 01:47:09,968 It's not gonna be one number. God, that's lazy writing. 1286 01:47:10,257 --> 01:47:12,178 Still got it. 1287 01:47:14,626 --> 01:47:17,329 Put that back in your prison wallet. 1288 01:47:18,290 --> 01:47:22,141 I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you. 1289 01:47:22,263 --> 01:47:24,490 - No. - Yes. Here we go. 1290 01:47:24,536 --> 01:47:27,949 Bring it in. Come on. Pelvis to pelvis. 1291 01:47:28,051 --> 01:47:32,097 Let's go tip-to-tip. There we go. The kids call this "docking". 1292 01:47:33,435 --> 01:47:36,230 - Is there a knife in my dick? - There's a knife in your dick. Yeah. 1293 01:47:36,255 --> 01:47:39,223 Just get back up a little. Already did a full Yentl. 1294 01:47:39,248 --> 01:47:41,568 Pretend like that never happened. 1295 01:47:41,677 --> 01:47:43,747 Let's go home, Russell. 1296 01:47:47,212 --> 01:47:51,618 All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy. 1297 01:47:51,643 --> 01:47:54,658 Your souls are beyond redemption. 1298 01:47:54,683 --> 01:47:58,096 - Let's see your soul, perv! - No! No, no more. 1299 01:47:58,123 --> 01:48:00,245 We're better than that. We're better than him. 1300 01:48:00,270 --> 01:48:03,005 No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed. 1301 01:48:03,060 --> 01:48:05,946 - We'll let karma take care of him. - The day of reckoning, 1302 01:48:05,971 --> 01:48:07,786 is here! 1303 01:48:16,977 --> 01:48:19,414 I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great. 1304 01:48:19,523 --> 01:48:21,882 Woo! There it is, motherfuckers! 1305 01:48:21,907 --> 01:48:23,503 I think I'm a motherfucker. 1306 01:48:23,542 --> 01:48:27,048 I can hear you counting the last 30 seconds like a monkey, it was... ! 1307 01:48:27,073 --> 01:48:28,619 I want some more. 1308 01:48:28,644 --> 01:48:30,659 I bet you do, Brown Panther. 1309 01:48:30,684 --> 01:48:33,744 We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up. 1310 01:48:33,769 --> 01:48:36,160 Good call. You guys coming with us? 1311 01:48:36,228 --> 01:48:38,626 No. We'll get the kids back to the mansion. 1312 01:48:38,665 --> 01:48:41,227 - Besides, we're X-Men. - No. 1313 01:48:41,306 --> 01:48:44,110 - You're X-People. - You're X-hausting. 1314 01:48:44,142 --> 01:48:46,790 I see what you did there. Puns. 1315 01:48:46,814 --> 01:48:49,087 - Bye, Wade! - Bye, Yukio. 1316 01:48:51,282 --> 01:48:53,735 What do you get when you take 8 feet of chrome, 1317 01:48:53,760 --> 01:48:56,580 one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, 1318 01:48:56,605 --> 01:48:59,065 a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, 1319 01:48:59,089 --> 01:49:01,839 and a wheelbarrow full of stage-four cancer? 1320 01:49:01,863 --> 01:49:04,558 Answer: a family. 1321 01:49:04,636 --> 01:49:07,644 See? I didn't lie on what kind of film this was. 1322 01:49:07,761 --> 01:49:09,394 If there's anything you take away today, 1323 01:49:09,419 --> 01:49:12,222 other than the need to google, "what the fuck is dubstep", 1324 01:49:12,247 --> 01:49:15,622 it's that we all need to belong to someone. 1325 01:49:18,218 --> 01:49:21,675 subbed by: iamdepressed