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[audience cheering]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome to the stage Mr. Daniel Sloss!

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[applauding and cheering]

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I'm just going to start up this show not
with a joke,

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but with a question, that I'd like you
to answer honestly, please,

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by raising of your hands,
who here thinks they are a good person?

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That is terrifyingly low. That is low.

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Germany put up more hands than you did.

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Just so you're aware
of your current standing.

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I was in Berlin, and they were like,

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"We didn't do it. I wasn't there.
I don't give a shit."

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I'm not sure if I'm a good person.

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I'd like to be, but being a cunt is fun.

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Like, you ever met those fucking weirdos
that are like,

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"Is there any better feeling

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than just doing a random act of kindness
for a stranger

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and knowing that you've made
their whole day?"

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Yeah, giving them the wrong directions.
What are you...

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A lot of people think I'm a good person.

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If you were to ask my friends, they'd say
I was a good person and I understand

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why that is, it's because they only ever
hear what comes out of my mouth.

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They never hear what's going on
in my head,

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and those are two hugely different things,
by the way.

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From my mouth, I'm an incredibly
polite human being,

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because I know that's the way
you have to be.

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But sometimes, when I'm alone in my head,
sometimes...

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Hitler.

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Obviously not the same things
Hitler hated.

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Just the same, you know...

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Passion

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that he had.

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Say what you like about Hitler.
Passionate man.

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About the wrong things.

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Yes, we can all agree, the wrong things,

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but passionate nonetheless,
like a true artist.

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Some of the thoughts I have
genuinely disturb me.

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I'm not comfortable with who I am
as a human being,

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because sometimes
I have these evil thoughts.

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I never act on them!

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For me, I would argue that's
conscious goodness.

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I go against my natural instinct
to be good.

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I would therefore argue if you are
a naturally good person,

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I am a better person than you are,

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because for you to be good,
you don't have to go through a struggle.

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That's just your default setting.
I've got voices to compete with.

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I don't trust people with not having
an evil voice in their head.

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You can't honestly tell me
you see a kitten

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and no part of your brain goes, "Kick it."

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You never do, for the voice is always
there very confidently going,

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"Bet you can get it over the fence."

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Like if I ever need to cheer myself up,

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like if I'm ever sad or on a bus,
those things are very related.

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I just need to make myself smile.

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I know what this says about me,
but all I have to do to cheer myself up

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is just to picture any child under
the age of ten with an ice cream

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and just imagine just
fucking tripping him up.

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I know, it's awful. I've never done it,
and I never will

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'cause I can tell you
on a thousand different levels

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why that is a horrific thing to do
to an innocent child,

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but I'd be lying

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if I were to say I didn't know
detail by detail

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every part of that endeavor I'd enjoy.

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Like, it's his birthday.

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He's got a big badge on. It says "nine."
He's a got a balloon,

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a big stupid grin on his face,
'cause the world hasn't fucked him yet.

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'Cause it's his birthday,
his parents were like, "Go nuts!"

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He did, the ice cream stacked up
precariously high.

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There's sauce. There's sprinkles.

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There's two flakes in there
'cause he's a greedy little cunt.

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He's just so excited,

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but the thing is
he's also a very good older brother,

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and recently his little sister had
to come home from school

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because she wasn't feeling well,
and his first thought, when he sees

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all of this extra ice cream
on his birthday,

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isn't to have it all to himself,

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it's to run home and share it
with his baby sister.

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'Cause he loves her.

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And while he's running home,
I just go, "Nah, cunt!" [cackles]

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And because he's young and stupid,
he doesn't know

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whether to prioritize the ice cream,
the balloon or his face.

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And he fucks all three up
in a spectacular fashion?

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Like, as a rational adult,
you go drop the balloon.

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We can buy you a new one, use that one
to break the fall, save the ice cream.

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He's not dropping that balloon.
He loves that balloon.

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He doesn't know,
that's fucking magic to them.

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He's an idiot.

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That's his priorities, he puts his
ice cream hand and fall straight into it,

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both flakes, both eyes,
loses balloon anyway. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

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[moans]

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Does it not just warm your cockles?

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All right, clearly some of you agree.

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Clearly the rest of you have children
that you "love."

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Let's see if we can take it
a little bit darker.

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Let's see if anyone can relate
to this horrific thought.

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This thought normally occurs whenever
you're in a relationship,

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one in the past for you, hopefully.

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You know, one of those relationships where
you kind of just fall out of love

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with the person.

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You don't hate them.
You don't not like them.

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You just don't love them anymore.

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That's a really weird situation to be in,
because it's all on you.

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You don't know
if that's gonna last forever,

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but also it never feels like that's
an excuse you could go to them with

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'cause you'd sound like a sociopath.

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We need to break up! Why?
'Cause I'm fucking dead inside.

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But I thought you loved me. So did I!

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Turns out I don't!
What about, like, three weeks ago?

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I would have walked across the Earth
to make you smile,

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but today your voice
is like a fucking cheese grater. So...

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Bye!

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It's because they've done nothing wrong
and you don't want to break their heart.

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You still like them, you decide
to just stay with them in the hopes

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that you'll fall in love again.

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Spoiler alert! You won't, it's dead.

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But you sit there and you wait,
looking for an excuse to get out,

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just waiting for them
to do something unforgivable.

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So you can actually break up with them
with a real excuse

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and leave with your head held high,

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but because unlike you, they're not
a piece of shit, they won't do that.

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So you have to start lowering
your standards for what unforgivable is.

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One week in and you're like,
"If they cheat on me, this is perfect.

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I can leave with my head held high,
and I will not look like a dick."

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Nine weeks later, they're faithful,
and you're like,

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"Man, if they buy orange juice
with pulp in it, that is...

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I can't live like that."

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All I'm asking is, if you've never been
in a situation like that,

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in a relationship where you felt trapped,
like, you couldn't get out of it

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and it was just easier to stay in it.

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All I'm asking is if even
for the briefest of seconds

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have you ever accidentally
caught yourself thinking

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how much easier life would be...

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if they were to just die?

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And not because you want them to die,

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but just because them dying is,
like, the easiest way

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for you to get out of that relationship,

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and it doesn't involve either one
of you getting hurt.

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Emotionally.

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I've had that thought. I'm not
proud of it. I'm not bragging about it,

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but I'm also not denying
that it crossed my mind.

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Having evil thoughts doesn't make
you evil, acting on them does.

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I don't trust people that
deny adamantly, like,

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"No! No, I've never thought that.
Of course I've never thought that."

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Really? You've been in love forever?

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You've never had any partner in the past

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where just like the last two weeks
of that relationship...

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you fucking hated them?

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You just got to the point you're just
at home and they phone you,

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'cause they're stupid.

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And you don't want to answer the phone
'cause that would involve talking to them,

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so you're just waiting until they hang up
so you can get back on Tinder.

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And you don't want to answer the phone,
but the only reason you do is

152
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because that same evil voice
in the back of your head

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is telling you that what this phone call
actually means

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is that somebody, somewhere...

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has just found a phone on a body.

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You've got to hide the disappointment
in your voice when they answer.

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Hello. Aww, baby, it's you.

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How are you? What are you up to?
Oh, you're driving?

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No, I'll stay on the line. What's up?
What's happening?

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Did anyone see my show last year,
by any chance?

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[cheering]

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That's not a great return ratio,
but thank you nonetheless.

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For those of you who didn't see the show,
I spoke about death a fair bit.

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For the first time on stage,
I spoke about my sister Josie.

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Josie had cerebral palsy, and she died
when she was seven years old.

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I was nine, obviously a very tragic story,
but in the right hands...

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fucking hysterical.

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I just wanted to prove that no matter
how sensitive the subject matter may be,

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that I'll always be able to find a way
to make it about myself.

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The show was called "Dark"
and that was meant to be semi-ironic,

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and it's because I genuinely don't
consider my sense of humor to be dark.

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Now that's not my way of saying it isn't.
I've had enough emails to know that it is.

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I just mean that in my spectrum

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of my sense of humor
that I do in real life,

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you're very much getting
the vanilla shit right now.

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I have always had this sense of humor.
I thought it was normal

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because it's my parents' sense of humor.
I was raised with it.

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It wasn't until I then went out
into the real world with it

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that I find out that my parents
are fucked up people.

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My parents will say the most
horrific things

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at the most inappropriate times.

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And the reason they do this, by the way,
isn't to belittle the victim

183
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,414
or to make fun of the tragedy

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or any of those other reasons
nerds will tell you

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00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,668
why people make dark jokes.

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The reason they do it is they are trying
to bring a level of humanity... laughter...

187
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Back to a moment that seems to lack it.
Tragedy.

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They're trying to make you,
the individual, laugh

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in your moment of sadness so just
for the briefest of seconds,

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you have a minor moment of respite by
where you forget how shit things are

191
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,538
and you get to have a giggle
with yourself.

192
00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:31,274
But what that does manifest itself as
is they say fucked up things.

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Every month since my sister died,

194
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,615
my mom and dad have to go up
to Josie's grave to do maintenance on it,

195
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because that's the shitty thing about
dead people in graves.

196
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It's a very one-sided relationship.

197
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,791
They're very needy, the dead.

198
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:53,379
And they rarely give back unless
you're delusional or religious.

199
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,842
I could have just said religious.

200
00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:59,219
Uh...

201
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:06,476
Understand by the way, if you subscribe
to any faith whatsoever,

202
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:10,021
I 100% respect your right
to have that belief,

203
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,397
but you also have to understand,

204
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:15,944
at no point do I ever actually have to
respect your beliefs.

205
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,529
It's stupid, and you're wrong.

206
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,155
But...

207
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,577
I do respect your right
to be wrong in public.

208
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:25,912
See if I give a fuck.

209
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:32,335
No matter how tragic an endeavor may seem
once you repeat that feat multiple times,

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00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,647
you get numb to the feelings.
That's how human emotions work.

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00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:35,546
There's nothing wrong with it.

212
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:38,883
The first ten times my parents had
to go up to their only daughter's grave,

213
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,427
I imagine it was harrowing.

214
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:44,973
The 97th time, essentially just gardening.

215
00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:54,190
And because they didn't want to feel sad
every single time they did it,

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00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:58,027
what they did was, when they go up there,
they make little jokes just to each other,

217
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,297
just to make each other laugh
in their moments of sadness.

218
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,407
And as time went on,
they got their favorite jokes

219
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:04,659
that became little in jokes
they did with each other,

220
00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,428
and they would do them each time,
they'd come in little skits.

221
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:09,580
Eventually, they were just two psychopaths
laughing beside a grave, but...

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00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,418
They're happy.

223
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,380
But what it also means is that
about every month

224
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,257
since I was about 13 years old.

225
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,943
So after they've been doing it
for a couple years.

226
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:24,178
I've heard my dad make
the same fucking dad joke

227
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,849
every month the night before
he has to go up to Josie's grave

228
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:29,693
and he's so excited for the joke,
by the way.

229
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,978
I cannot stress how happy he is
about doing the joke.

230
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,981
Because it's a dad joke, and he knows
it ruins all of our days.

231
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:37,734
He lives for this moment.

232
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,378
And I know when it's coming,
he's not subtle.

233
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:40,421
Of course he's not subtle.

234
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:44,532
He makes the same face every dad
has ever made since the dawn of time

235
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,968
right when they're about to do the joke.

236
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,577
He just sat at the dinner table,

237
00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:51,122
and he's got that smug top lip,
just quivering

238
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,666
while he waits
for the lull in conversations,

239
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,169
so he can really take a run up
to the setup, just like...

240
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:01,758
So... [laughs]

241
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,345
So tomorrow's the big day.

242
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:10,183
We've got to go and deflower your sister.

243
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:25,073
No, Dad. I don't want any dessert.
You can have it all.

244
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:29,577
I'm just looking at my mom

245
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,871
waiting for her to divorce him.

246
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,375
And she just joins in with like,

247
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,794
"Her bush is getting out
of control this month.

248
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,465
Neighbors are starting to complain."

249
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,810
I enjoyed talking about Josie on stage
last year for several reasons.

250
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,436
One, it was hilarious. I'm a genius.

251
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,401
Two, it was very therapeutic in a way
to talk about a tragedy

252
00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:02,804
that I suffered when I was young,

253
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,904
but then sort of rationalize it
more as an adult

254
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:07,657
in a very one-sided narcissistic
group therapy type situation.

255
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,910
Very cathartic, but that's the thing.

256
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,971
I can do a new show ever year,
that's my rule to myself.

257
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:15,307
I have to do a new show every year,
I get people to return to the shows.

258
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:16,642
I want to make sure you see new stuff

259
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:18,477
and I obviously want the material
to be different

260
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,837
because I don't want to have to flog
a dead sister.

261
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,135
Welcome to my favorite joke of the show.

262
00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:34,559
I want this year's show
to be better than last year's show.

263
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:38,104
Of course I do, like, you always want
the new thing you create to be better

264
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:41,816
than the old version of it.
Parents, you'll understand that logic.

265
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,404
No, I'm kidding, like, you love
your first kid, of course you do,

266
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,990
but if you're being honest,
you know where you fucked up.

267
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,869
We'll just have another one,
we'll hit this one less.

268
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,288
We'll hit him more, we don't know
where the problems lie.

269
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,125
Josie's death, that was a...

270
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,145
That was a struggle that I'd gone
through in my life,

271
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:03,490
that I managed to turn into material
to make dark and funny

272
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:04,547
and poignant, I hope.

273
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:05,882
But I've done it now.

274
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,633
But if I'm being honest with you,

275
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,887
I don't really have any other struggles.

276
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:15,099
I really don't, I'm a white, heterosexual
middle-class,

277
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:18,060
marginally successful,
extremely well-hung man.

278
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,065
Where are my struggles?

279
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,152
I've not even been molested.

280
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,286
Oh, I was dealt a cruel hand.

281
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,166
So like most white heterosexual
middle class men,

282
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:42,251
I've decided to create my own struggles.

283
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:45,963
That's what we do.

284
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,614
We see the rest of the world
with your valid struggles

285
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:56,015
that we also create,
but let's not talk about that.

286
00:16:57,225 --> 00:17:00,019
I've gone for the classics,
alcoholism and drug addiction,

287
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,854
the cool ones.

288
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,691
Now you can say drugs aren't cool,
but I've never seen a Mormon doing them.

289
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:13,407
And I really I never thought I'd
drink or do drugs, I really didn't.

290
00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:16,011
When I was young, I was fully against it,
but then I grew up in America,

291
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,471
people are drinking,
and I want them to like me,

292
00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,789
so I started drinking
and that's now the case.

293
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,874
I drink like a goddamn fucking champion.

294
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:25,127
Same thing happened with drugs.
I used to hate the idea of drugs.

295
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,380
I really did and then I got into comedy.

296
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,676
And 90% of comedians do drugs,

297
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:34,762
and that is not an exaggeration,
I've checked thoroughly.

298
00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:37,723
Right, 90% of comedians do drugs.

299
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:40,726
No, Daniel, surely that can't be true,
surely not him.

300
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,770
Yes, him, absolute coke fiend.

301
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,772
No, Daniel, not her, she's a mother.

302
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,023
Yes, a terrible one.

303
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:50,736
Let's follow the train of logic, shall we?

304
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,071
I didn't like alcohol.

305
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,990
I met people who drank alcohol.

306
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:55,866
Now, I drink alcohol.

307
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,493
I didn't like drugs.

308
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,620
I met people that took drugs.

309
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:01,163
Now I take drugs.

310
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,295
I've met loads of vegans...

311
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,261
Nah.

312
00:18:16,387 --> 00:18:17,638
And that's why I love vegans,

313
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:20,891
because vegans are proving
that peer pressure does not work.

314
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:24,437
What a fucking myth.

315
00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:28,816
Not drinking when your friends
are drinking, oh, that's tough.

316
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:31,110
Say no to a joint when all
of your friends are high,

317
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:33,362
it's never been done before.

318
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,906
But eating steak

319
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,701
at a table full of vegans.

320
00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:41,871
[moans]

321
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,292
I didn't know it could taste better.

322
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:52,214
I am such an insensitive selfish
motherfucker.

323
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,133
If I'm at dinner with any
of my vegan friends,

324
00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:56,802
I will order the bloodiest thing
on the menu,

325
00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:00,473
and then spend the next three minutes
giving it a backstory.

326
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:05,186
That's mine. Yeah, thank you very much.

327
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:06,979
Her name was Lucky.

328
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:10,900
She was seven years old.

329
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,211
She had a little black splotch
in the back of her head.

330
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,695
It was in the shape of a love heart.

331
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,365
That's where we put the drill through.

332
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,994
Didn't even finish her on the first one,
it must have missed,

333
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:26,791
'cause it took six or seven
until she finally stopped mooing.

334
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,129
All in front of her two
gorgeous baby calves,

335
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:34,548
but don't you worry, here they come,
the appetizers.

336
00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:42,032
If you're a vegan and it's personal
to you, this joke's not aimed at you.

337
00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:45,935
Also, if you're the type of vegan that
you will trick your meat-eating friends

338
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:51,190
into eating vegan dishes by just lying
to us and telling us there's meat in it,

339
00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:55,194
that is a shit way to play the game,
and I 100% respect it.

340
00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:56,570
It's a real...

341
00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:58,906
it's a real dick move, and I love it,
right?

342
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:02,326
If you're those types of vegan,
this joke is not aimed at you in any way.

343
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,852
Enjoy the rest of the show.
You're a better person than I am.

344
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:10,376
Who this joke is specifically aimed at
is the fucking Facebook vegans.

345
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,630
If you are a Facebook vegan, right,

346
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,549
look into my fucking eyes,
wherever you are.

347
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:21,929
If you are a Facebook vegan,
from the bottom of my heart,

348
00:20:22,263 --> 00:20:24,432
I hope an animal kills you.

349
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:33,691
I will not be happy until you
and your kind die of irony.

350
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:37,778
And not even a meat-eating animal.

351
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,947
I don't think that's funny enough.

352
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,951
I want you to go on safari.
I want a lion to ignore you,

353
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:45,955
but then on your way home,
carrying some mangoes,

354
00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:48,581
you just startle a giraffe
and just up-kicks your jaw...

355
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,042
clean through your fucking scalp.

356
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:57,339
Facebook vegans, you gotta start taking
responsibility for your actions,

357
00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:02,595
because you are the reason idiots like me
think we hate all vegans.

358
00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:05,514
We don't, we just hate you.

359
00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:09,685
But you're bringing the rest
of your people down with your attitude.

360
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,604
Facebook vegans are to veganism

361
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,689
what Isis are to Islam.

362
00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:26,160
A small but loud and persistent minority,

363
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,537
who missed the point
of the original peaceful message,

364
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:31,499
and for now some reason
are choosing to take it out on bacon.

365
00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:39,715
There are so many valid reasons
for why the world should go vegan,

366
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,218
arguments that I've got no reply to.

367
00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:46,931
The amount of landmass that it takes
to raise cattle is astronomical, right?

368
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:49,201
If you were to grow crops instead of
raise cow up there,

369
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,769
you could feed four times as many people
in half the time

370
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,312
for a third of the price.

371
00:21:53,521 --> 00:21:56,190
The amount of water that it takes to raise
a baby calf

372
00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:59,235
until that calf's fully grown in order
to make a single pint of milk.

373
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:02,780
The ratio of pints of water needed
to pints of milk made

374
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:04,782
is a thousand to one.

375
00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:07,493
You could use all that water
to grow all those crops

376
00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:09,662
and help solve the drought in Africa.

377
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,331
But the thing is...

378
00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:16,752
I've never heard those arguments
come out of a vegan's mouth.

379
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,880
I had to Google those for this joke.

380
00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:25,719
The only argument I have ever
consistently heard

381
00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:29,682
come out of vegans' mouth
is your weakest one and it's this one,

382
00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:33,477
You wouldn't... You wouldn't...

383
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:35,563
[whimpering]

384
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:45,114
You wouldn't eat meat
if you had to kill it yourself.

385
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:49,159
You wouldn't eat meat if you had
to kill it yourself.

386
00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:54,081
I wouldn't wear clothes
if I had to make them myself.

387
00:22:57,793 --> 00:23:00,588
What does my laziness
have to do with any of this?

388
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:05,342
You think I'd smoke weed
if I had to grow it myself? No!

389
00:23:05,551 --> 00:23:08,511
Some kids in Colombia are doing it,
and I'm sure they're being paid fairly.

390
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:15,394
You wouldn't eat meat
if you had to kill it yourself.

391
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:17,646
You don't know me.

392
00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:21,275
I'd kill you to eat this in peace.

393
00:23:24,862 --> 00:23:28,198
And this hate concerns me,
it does, I'm terrified of it.

394
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:31,869
'Cause one, I'm wrong.
Two, not only am I wrong.

395
00:23:31,994 --> 00:23:34,663
I know I'm wrong,
yet it's still my opinion. That's fucked.

396
00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:37,207
That's an awful way to live your life.

397
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:39,895
And irrational hate will always
come back to bite you in the ass,

398
00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:42,254
and I'm terrified of how it will manifest
with me, like...

399
00:23:42,338 --> 00:23:45,257
What if one day day, what if, God forbid,
what if one day...

400
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,343
What if I have a vegan kid?

401
00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:51,221
I'm not going to love it.

402
00:23:53,349 --> 00:23:54,349
How could I?

403
00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:00,022
One day I have an 11-year-old son, right.

404
00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:02,566
He's been struggling
with sexuality for a while.

405
00:24:02,650 --> 00:24:04,628
He knows he's gay and he knows
there's nothing wrong with it,

406
00:24:04,652 --> 00:24:06,338
but he's also still in school,
where people use

407
00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:09,156
homophobic slurs without realizing
the damage that words can cause,

408
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:10,926
but he wants to tell me,
'cause I'm his dad.

409
00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:13,803
He loves me. He builds up his courage,
and he comes into my study, and he's like,

410
00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:14,827
"Dad.

411
00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:17,538
Dad.

412
00:24:18,582 --> 00:24:19,582
I'm gay."

413
00:24:20,042 --> 00:24:25,172
I'm like, "Buddy, buddy, Wolverine.
Come here. Hey. Hey.

414
00:24:26,048 --> 00:24:29,551
Mom lost a bet, didn't she?
Yeah, she did. Yeah, she did.

415
00:24:32,805 --> 00:24:35,391
You're small for an 11-year-old. [mumbles]

416
00:24:38,519 --> 00:24:39,812
You'll be fine.

417
00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:42,606
Wolvie, I...

418
00:24:44,608 --> 00:24:46,443
I love you unconditionally,

419
00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:49,363
and even if I didn't
love you unconditionally,

420
00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:51,699
this wouldn't be one of the conditions.

421
00:24:53,117 --> 00:24:55,053
Like, I'm not going to pretend to know
what you're going through.

422
00:24:55,077 --> 00:24:57,871
I absolutely don't. As you know,
Dad-Dad loves puss-puss.

423
00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:02,143
But that's fine.
But there's nothing wrong with you.

424
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,437
Like, that's the thing,
there's really no such thing as normal.

425
00:25:04,461 --> 00:25:07,256
Everyone on this planet is different
in a thousand different ways,

426
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,067
and there's really
no right or wrong way to be.

427
00:25:09,091 --> 00:25:10,634
Now I fully understand,

428
00:25:10,718 --> 00:25:13,446
and I'm sympathetic to the fact that
you will encounter people in your life

429
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:15,323
who don't like you
for the way you're different,

430
00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:17,158
because they think their way
of being different's the best way

431
00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:19,494
of being different,
and your way of being different's wrong,

432
00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:21,746
but the important thing that you
have to remember about them

433
00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:24,440
and every other person that we share
this planet with

434
00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:28,318
is every single one of them
is fucking killable.

435
00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:35,951
And if any of them fuck with you,
I will gut their parents, okay?

436
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:39,413
Stop crying, I didn't raise a bitch.
Now...

437
00:25:41,457 --> 00:25:44,251
I love you so much,
now go get some dick. Yeah."

438
00:25:49,465 --> 00:25:52,152
My 14-year-old son, he's outside.
He's like, "Oh, Dad's in a good mood.

439
00:25:52,176 --> 00:25:53,456
Can't wait to tell him the news.

440
00:25:53,719 --> 00:25:55,846
Dad. I'm vegan."

441
00:25:55,929 --> 00:25:57,765
Get the fuck out of this house.

442
00:25:58,640 --> 00:25:59,850
That is disgusting.

443
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:02,144
That is a unnatural.

444
00:26:02,519 --> 00:26:05,279
I want you to go upstairs, give that
cucumber back to your gay brother

445
00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:07,232
and let him use it the way God intended!

446
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:18,494
You are fully, 100% allowed to be offended
by any one of the jokes in the show.

447
00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:22,456
That is your right. All I ask is that
if you are offended by one joke,

448
00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:25,417
could you just have
the common fucking decency

449
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:27,878
to be offended by the rest of them?

450
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:34,218
Don't pick what's offensive based on
whether it affects your life or not,

451
00:26:34,301 --> 00:26:35,761
you fucking narcissist.

452
00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:38,856
But that's how people get offended,
isn't it?

453
00:26:38,931 --> 00:26:41,701
I love that joke, that was hilarious,
'cause I've never experienced that,

454
00:26:41,725 --> 00:26:44,103
but my uncle had that disease,
so you're a dick.

455
00:26:44,895 --> 00:26:47,773
Daniel, I love the fat jokes.
I thought the fat jokes were hilarious

456
00:26:47,856 --> 00:26:51,193
because I'm not fat, so they were
obviously fucking hysterical.

457
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:54,029
And then you did that joke about
being murdered,

458
00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:57,116
which I thought was amazing
'cause I've never been murdered.

459
00:26:58,117 --> 00:27:01,286
Which is weird, 'cause you've met me.
I'm fucking unbearable.

460
00:27:06,208 --> 00:27:09,086
I'm very aware why people get offended
by comedy.

461
00:27:10,754 --> 00:27:12,756
People take jokes literally.

462
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,092
They take the comedian's jokes
at face value,

463
00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:18,137
and sometimes that's not even
the audience's fault.

464
00:27:18,262 --> 00:27:19,364
Sometimes it's down to the comedian.

465
00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:21,265
Sometimes the performance is lacking,

466
00:27:21,348 --> 00:27:24,059
the irony or the sarcasm
doesn't come through,

467
00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:26,186
but that's the thing you have to remember.

468
00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:28,188
This is all a performance.

469
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,891
It's all a performance.
I'm not like this in real life.

470
00:27:30,941 --> 00:27:32,484
I'd get the shit kicked out of me.

471
00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:37,197
And the whole time it was happening,
I'd be like, "Yeah, this is fair."

472
00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:42,327
But that's the thing about art.

473
00:27:42,411 --> 00:27:45,539
Art is subjective,
and art is open to interpretation.

474
00:27:45,622 --> 00:27:49,126
But just because you interpret
an artist's art in one way

475
00:27:49,209 --> 00:27:53,172
does not necessarily mean that was the way
they intended it to be interpreted.

476
00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:56,466
And never forget that for years
since the dawn of art,

477
00:27:56,550 --> 00:28:00,095
people have fucked up the interpretations
of art and got it wrong.

478
00:28:00,637 --> 00:28:01,680
Back in the 1930's,

479
00:28:01,763 --> 00:28:04,141
there was a very famous painter
called Jackson Pollock.

480
00:28:04,224 --> 00:28:07,060
Jackson Pollock was fucking shit
at art, right?

481
00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:10,189
Oh, couldn't paint for shit.

482
00:28:10,731 --> 00:28:14,193
He was really bad at it, so he went
to modern art, where that's acceptable.

483
00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:19,823
He was one of those pricks, those knobs
that just throw paint at a canvas,

484
00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:22,409
like, "This one's called 'Despair.'"

485
00:28:23,619 --> 00:28:26,788
And then douchebags with neck beards
and glasses with no lenses go,

486
00:28:26,872 --> 00:28:28,707
"No, I can see why."

487
00:28:30,042 --> 00:28:33,128
Jackson Pollock had this exhibition
about 1935, can't remember the date fully,

488
00:28:33,212 --> 00:28:34,838
but he had this big white canvas, right?

489
00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:37,150
And this was the whole bit,
this was the main exhibit,

490
00:28:37,174 --> 00:28:39,051
he just got a big bucket of black paint,

491
00:28:39,134 --> 00:28:41,428
threw it at the canvas, smeared it around

492
00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:43,597
and then put in two little splashes
of red paint.

493
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:45,140
That was it. Then he fucked off.

494
00:28:46,225 --> 00:28:49,686
So they do this exhibition, there was
an art critic there, which by the way...

495
00:28:50,854 --> 00:28:53,232
lowest form of occupation...

496
00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:56,652
that has ever existed.

497
00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:59,488
If all you've done in your life
is get fired

498
00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:03,742
from McDonald's for spitting
on your first burger, congratulations.

499
00:29:04,076 --> 00:29:07,329
You have done more for society
than someone whose job is,

500
00:29:07,537 --> 00:29:10,123
"Sometimes I like things
and then write it down."

501
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:16,004
So they asked this art critic,
this waste of space.

502
00:29:16,088 --> 00:29:17,768
They go,
"What do you think of this piece?"

503
00:29:17,798 --> 00:29:21,176
And he goes, "Hmm, hmm. Interesting.

504
00:29:21,260 --> 00:29:24,263
I believe that this is a self-portrait
of Jackson."

505
00:29:30,352 --> 00:29:31,770
All right, two points.

506
00:29:32,020 --> 00:29:33,355
One, he's white.

507
00:29:36,233 --> 00:29:38,026
Two, fucking what, cunt?

508
00:29:40,904 --> 00:29:44,157
Well, I believe the blank canvas
initially represented the Earth,

509
00:29:44,241 --> 00:29:47,160
pre-humanity, vast, pure, clean,

510
00:29:47,244 --> 00:29:51,123
loads of potential, but the black paint
itself, that represents humanity.

511
00:29:51,206 --> 00:29:55,252
Random, chaotic, often overlapping,
no start or end in sight,

512
00:29:55,335 --> 00:29:57,671
just constantly moving,
no idea where it's gonna go

513
00:29:57,796 --> 00:29:59,107
and no idea whenever it's gonna stop.

514
00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:01,758
All we can tell is that
it's constantly repeating its history

515
00:30:01,842 --> 00:30:03,176
and often over-riding it.

516
00:30:03,260 --> 00:30:06,346
And we can deduce that one day it will
eventually consume all of the Earth.

517
00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:09,349
But the two red dots,
these are Jackson.

518
00:30:09,433 --> 00:30:11,685
Small, insignificant,

519
00:30:11,768 --> 00:30:15,355
yet, they stand out
against the rest of humanity.

520
00:30:18,817 --> 00:30:22,487
Now I know it's wrong to judge people
based off two sentences,

521
00:30:23,238 --> 00:30:26,616
but I am willing to bet my house. Vegan.

522
00:30:30,579 --> 00:30:33,040
Never been more certain
of anything in my life.

523
00:30:39,671 --> 00:30:42,312
Twenty minutes later, Jackson Pollock,
the fucking artist, turns up

524
00:30:42,716 --> 00:30:46,094
"Mr. Pollack, thank you so much
for this wonderful, wonderful exhibit.

525
00:30:46,178 --> 00:30:48,156
Just a quick question in regards
to the main piece.

526
00:30:48,180 --> 00:30:49,181
Can we just ask you,

527
00:30:49,348 --> 00:30:51,641
what do the two red dots represent?"

528
00:30:51,933 --> 00:30:54,436
And Jackson Pollock on record said...

529
00:30:56,688 --> 00:30:57,688
"What?

530
00:31:04,446 --> 00:31:05,489
Ha!

531
00:31:06,782 --> 00:31:07,949
Huh.

532
00:31:08,241 --> 00:31:10,702
I must have splashed it
when I was painting that one."

533
00:31:15,415 --> 00:31:18,752
Just because you can find meaning
in the art, doesn't necessarily mean

534
00:31:18,835 --> 00:31:21,064
that was the meaning the artist
necessarily intended to be there.

535
00:31:21,088 --> 00:31:24,257
Take into consideration that you might
just be a pretentious fucking cunt, okay?

536
00:31:26,802 --> 00:31:29,012
But I understand though when I say,

537
00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:31,098
like, life is meaningless.

538
00:31:31,181 --> 00:31:33,517
I do not mean that
your life is meaningless.

539
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,162
Your life can have a thousand different
meanings or even just one.

540
00:31:36,186 --> 00:31:38,355
I'd recommend more than one
in case you got it wrong.

541
00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:42,484
But to have this core value,
this core belief,

542
00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:44,861
this core meaning to your life

543
00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:48,448
and have it forever
is a stupid way to live

544
00:31:48,824 --> 00:31:49,825
and really challenging,

545
00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:52,303
especially if it's a belief that
you picked when you were young.

546
00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:55,956
You have to remember, when you're young,
your brain is so maleable, but so...

547
00:31:56,915 --> 00:31:59,376
Just stubborn, that it takes things on

548
00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:01,145
for the rest of your life,
and you're not even aware it's there.

549
00:32:01,169 --> 00:32:03,329
It's your subconscious,
and I say this from experience.

550
00:32:03,380 --> 00:32:04,548
When I was seven years old,

551
00:32:04,631 --> 00:32:08,802
my dad said something to me that to
this day is the reason I will die alone.

552
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:11,138
Very happily, I may add.

553
00:32:11,638 --> 00:32:13,798
But I was seven years old,
I didn't know what life was.

554
00:32:13,849 --> 00:32:16,768
I didn't know what existence was,
how the fuck would I know?

555
00:32:16,893 --> 00:32:20,730
So I thought I'd ask my dad 'cause
he can fix a computer, so he must know.

556
00:32:21,189 --> 00:32:23,584
So I was like, "Dad, what do we all do?
What's the meaning of life?

557
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:25,610
Why are we all here?
What... what the fuck?"

558
00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:29,948
And my dad loves his kids, so he wants
to explain to his son in a way

559
00:32:30,031 --> 00:32:32,511
that he'll understand,
but unfortunately, his son's a fuckhead.

560
00:32:32,826 --> 00:32:35,454
So he has to explain it in a way
that a fuckhead will understand,

561
00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:38,248
and he accidentally did it perfectly,

562
00:32:38,874 --> 00:32:40,584
and it's stuck with me since then.

563
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:42,294
This is what he said, right?

564
00:32:42,836 --> 00:32:43,837
I'm seven years old.

565
00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:47,174
He goes, "All right, buddy.

566
00:32:47,257 --> 00:32:50,760
Just imagine that your life, my life.
Everyone else's individual life.

567
00:32:51,052 --> 00:32:54,890
Imagine all of our lives are like
our own individual jigsaw puzzles.

568
00:32:55,015 --> 00:32:58,810
As we're going through life, we're just
slowly piecing it together, bit by bit,

569
00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:01,480
based on experiences and lessons
that we've learned,

570
00:33:01,605 --> 00:33:04,399
until we get the best picture,
but the thing is

571
00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:08,612
everyone has also lost the box
for their jigsaw.

572
00:33:09,112 --> 00:33:11,573
So none of us know what the image
we're trying to make is,

573
00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:13,783
we're just confidently fucking guessing.

574
00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:18,413
So the best way to do a jigsaw, when you
don't have the image to work off,

575
00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:21,541
is to start from the outside,
the sides and the four corners.

576
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,083
Family.

577
00:33:23,627 --> 00:33:24,627
Friends.

578
00:33:24,794 --> 00:33:26,505
Hobbies/interests.

579
00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:27,672
Job.

580
00:33:27,756 --> 00:33:30,401
Now obviously, as you go through life,
some of these bits are subject to change.

581
00:33:30,425 --> 00:33:32,570
Sometimes you'll make new friends,
and you'll lose contact with old

582
00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:33,863
so you gotta move
this corner around a bit.

583
00:33:33,887 --> 00:33:36,073
Sometimes you'll get a job. That means
you can't have a certain hobbies.

584
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:39,076
You gotta decide then, "Do I want more
me time or do I want more work time?"

585
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,393
You gotta move the stuff around.

586
00:33:40,477 --> 00:33:42,357
Sometimes you'll have
a family member that dies,

587
00:33:42,604 --> 00:33:44,284
and they'll leave a big hole in your life.

588
00:33:44,439 --> 00:33:46,584
In that moment you'll have to find a way
to fill that void,

589
00:33:46,608 --> 00:33:48,209
otherwise you'll be incomplete forever."

590
00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:52,489
Now, that made perfect sense to me,
because I was seven years old.

591
00:33:52,572 --> 00:33:54,324
I fucking loved jigsaws.

592
00:33:55,992 --> 00:33:57,285
So I was like, "All right, okay.

593
00:33:57,369 --> 00:33:59,287
So once you've got the stuff
on the outside,

594
00:33:59,371 --> 00:34:02,457
what's the main bit of the image?
What we are all working towards?"

595
00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:03,792
And he goes, "Well, that's...

596
00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:05,669
That's the partner piece.

597
00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:08,755
You and this perfect person
who you've never met before

598
00:34:08,838 --> 00:34:12,467
to come out of nowhere,
fit your life perfectly, complete you

599
00:34:12,551 --> 00:34:15,095
and make you whole
for the first time in your life,

600
00:34:15,428 --> 00:34:17,472
much like your mother did for me."

601
00:34:19,182 --> 00:34:20,225
Seven.

602
00:34:21,101 --> 00:34:22,269
Seven years old.

603
00:34:22,352 --> 00:34:25,188
I wish you just said, "Ice cream!"
And we could have fucked off.

604
00:34:26,940 --> 00:34:29,818
And even though what he said sounds sweet
and whatever,

605
00:34:29,901 --> 00:34:32,862
what it manifested
in my seven-year-old brain was this,

606
00:34:33,321 --> 00:34:36,074
"If you are not with someone,
you are broken.

607
00:34:36,283 --> 00:34:39,077
If you are not with someone,
you are incomplete.

608
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:42,747
If you are not with someone,
you are not whole."

609
00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:46,626
And that's not just something my dad
made me feel, that's something that

610
00:34:46,710 --> 00:34:50,797
we as a society have made every single
child born in the last 40 years feel.

611
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:53,049
Every Disney princess has a prince,

612
00:34:53,133 --> 00:34:56,011
every prince has a princess,
every television show or movie

613
00:34:56,136 --> 00:34:59,389
always has a character in it that
doesn't want to be in a relationship.

614
00:34:59,598 --> 00:35:00,890
They're happy with who they are.

615
00:35:00,974 --> 00:35:04,477
But then by the end of the series,
guess what. They were wrong!

616
00:35:04,561 --> 00:35:07,606
They were wrong for wanting to be alone,
what a fucking idiot.

617
00:35:07,689 --> 00:35:08,982
Everyone needs someone, yeah.

618
00:35:09,065 --> 00:35:11,735
They were just a toasty little
marshmallow, weren't they?

619
00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:13,528
It's all to do with love.

620
00:35:13,612 --> 00:35:17,532
Divorce, an entirely common thing
that there is nothing wrong with.

621
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:20,160
When you're growing up
and your friends' parents get divorced,

622
00:35:20,327 --> 00:35:23,413
you're told to not talk about it
or mention it to them because it's taboo,

623
00:35:23,580 --> 00:35:26,958
and it is taboo is because every
relationship on the outside is perfect,

624
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,602
because none of us are willing to admit

625
00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:30,754
that none of us know
what the fuck we're doing.

626
00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:34,090
And when you raise children in that world,
where everything points towards love

627
00:35:34,174 --> 00:35:35,568
and everything's perfect on the outside,

628
00:35:35,592 --> 00:35:37,153
when you've raised them
for 18 fucking years,

629
00:35:37,177 --> 00:35:40,639
when we become an adult for the first time
in our late teens and our early 20s,

630
00:35:40,722 --> 00:35:43,099
we're so terrified.
We're so trying to be an adult

631
00:35:43,183 --> 00:35:45,411
that some of us will take the wrong
person, the wrong jigsaw piece

632
00:35:45,435 --> 00:35:48,521
and just fucking jam them
into our jigsaws anyway,

633
00:35:48,605 --> 00:35:50,273
denying that they clearly don't fit.

634
00:35:50,357 --> 00:35:52,335
Oh, we'll move pieces out the way,
I don't need this hobby,

635
00:35:52,359 --> 00:35:54,420
I don't need this opinion. Mom who?
The bitch with the tits.

636
00:35:54,444 --> 00:35:55,362
What's she done for me recently?

637
00:35:55,445 --> 00:35:58,573
I'm gonna force this fucking person
into our lives

638
00:35:58,657 --> 00:36:01,368
because we'd much rather
have something than nothing.

639
00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:03,453
Then five years later,

640
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:05,723
you're stood looking at a jigsaw
you don't recognize, being like,

641
00:36:05,747 --> 00:36:07,874
"Ah! There's a fucking cunt
in the middle of this."

642
00:36:13,505 --> 00:36:15,298
Maybe you do meet the perfect person.

643
00:36:15,924 --> 00:36:17,258
Maybe you meet them, you go out.

644
00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:19,386
They make you laugh.
You make them laugh.

645
00:36:19,469 --> 00:36:21,763
They've got a stupid laugh,
but you fucking love it.

646
00:36:23,556 --> 00:36:26,976
They like what you like. They like your
idiosyncrasies. It's great. It's perfect.

647
00:36:27,060 --> 00:36:28,561
Oh, my God, they've completed you.

648
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:30,312
For three months.

649
00:36:31,981 --> 00:36:34,234
Every relationship is perfect
for three months.

650
00:36:34,401 --> 00:36:36,277
And here's why.
'Cause after three months,

651
00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:38,780
that's when you realize that nobody else
is a jigsaw piece.

652
00:36:39,531 --> 00:36:43,576
Everyone else on this planet is as deep
and as complex and individual as you are,

653
00:36:43,660 --> 00:36:46,097
which means they too have spent
the last 20 or so years of their life

654
00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:47,521
working on their own jigsaw puzzle,

655
00:36:47,580 --> 00:36:49,266
in the same way that you've been working
on yours.

656
00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:51,626
You can't suddenly expect them
to give up everything

657
00:36:51,710 --> 00:36:54,546
they've come to achieve to suddenly
fit into yours in the same way

658
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:57,149
that you'd be pissed off if they asked you
to sacrifice everything you've done,

659
00:36:57,173 --> 00:37:00,552
suddenly come fit into theirs, but now,
because you like each other

660
00:37:00,635 --> 00:37:02,196
and because you're interested
in each other,

661
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:04,055
now you have to make a jigsaw together.

662
00:37:04,347 --> 00:37:06,808
And we all know how
fucking annoying that is.

663
00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,607
But you do it 'cause you're in love
and you're interested,

664
00:37:14,691 --> 00:37:16,611
and maybe for the first couple years,
it's great.

665
00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:19,612
It's like, "Oh, my God, you love this bit
of me. I love this bit of you.

666
00:37:19,696 --> 00:37:23,074
Oh, my God, we got the same thing, yeah!"

667
00:37:24,033 --> 00:37:26,995
But time does not equal success.

668
00:37:28,121 --> 00:37:31,332
You can spend five or more years
with someone,

669
00:37:31,458 --> 00:37:34,794
and only then, after all the fun you had,
be looking at the jigsaw and realize

670
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:37,672
you're both working towards
very different images.

671
00:37:38,548 --> 00:37:40,842
Only then realize that
you want different things.

672
00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:45,972
And in that moment, you have a very,
very difficult question to ask yourself.

673
00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:47,681
One.

674
00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:52,395
Do I admit the last five years
of my life have been a waste?

675
00:37:53,313 --> 00:37:54,313
Two.

676
00:37:55,023 --> 00:37:57,901
Do I waste the rest of my life?

677
00:38:01,070 --> 00:38:04,365
55% of marriages end in divorce.

678
00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:09,829
90. Nine Zero. Percent of relationships
that started before they are 30 end.

679
00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:14,167
If those were the stats for surgery,
none of us would fucking risk it.

680
00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:19,589
But because it's love and we're stupid,
we just lie on the operating table like,

681
00:38:19,672 --> 00:38:22,050
"Maybe this time I won't die inside."

682
00:38:26,346 --> 00:38:31,351
My generation has become so obsessed
with starting the rest of their lives

683
00:38:31,434 --> 00:38:34,813
that they're willing to give up the one
they are currently living.

684
00:38:35,522 --> 00:38:39,943
We have romanticized the idea of romance,
and it is cancerous.

685
00:38:40,068 --> 00:38:44,447
People are more in love with the idea
of love than the person they are with.

686
00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:49,202
I am very aware that this is not
a particularly funny bit of the show.

687
00:38:52,872 --> 00:38:55,500
Every time I've done this routine,
my agent is just like,

688
00:38:55,583 --> 00:38:57,585
"Can you drop the fucking sad bit?"

689
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:02,674
And my answer is "no" for three reasons.
One, my show. Fuck you.

690
00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:07,846
Two, I think it's one of the very few
smart routines I've done. Three...

691
00:39:08,888 --> 00:39:11,057
I know I'm right.

692
00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,161
I've had this analogy in my head
since I was seven years old,

693
00:39:14,185 --> 00:39:16,896
but it's always spoken to me because
I'm perpetually single person,

694
00:39:17,021 --> 00:39:19,208
so before I did it on stage,
I wanted to talk to my friends,

695
00:39:19,232 --> 00:39:20,833
the ones who are always in relationships

696
00:39:20,900 --> 00:39:23,587
to see if it resonated with them
in the same way that it resonated with me.

697
00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:25,881
So I was like, "I've got this analogy.
I learned it when I was young.

698
00:39:25,905 --> 00:39:26,966
It might just sound stupid.

699
00:39:26,990 --> 00:39:29,218
But does this make sense to you
in the same way it does to me?"

700
00:39:29,242 --> 00:39:32,370
Within five months, four of them
had broken up with their partners.

701
00:39:34,414 --> 00:39:36,374
Yeah!

702
00:39:39,002 --> 00:39:41,880
I am not saying it's impossible
to find love.

703
00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:45,258
All I'm saying is that statistically...

704
00:39:46,342 --> 00:39:47,886
you have not.

705
00:39:56,936 --> 00:40:00,356
All I'm saying is if you're finding it
hard to laugh at this routine,

706
00:40:00,523 --> 00:40:04,485
it's because deep down you don't love
the person you're with.

707
00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:10,700
So either start laughing or enjoy
the awkward car ride home.

708
00:40:20,168 --> 00:40:21,753
From the bottom of my heart,

709
00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:27,133
I believe that 80% of relationships
in the world, and therefore this room,

710
00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:29,260
are horseshit.

711
00:40:30,386 --> 00:40:33,973
A bunch of people who never took time
to learn how to be alone,

712
00:40:34,140 --> 00:40:36,267
therefore never learned how
to love themselves,

713
00:40:36,392 --> 00:40:38,770
so you employed someone else to do it.

714
00:40:42,482 --> 00:40:43,482
Prove me wrong.

715
00:40:45,026 --> 00:40:47,266
If you want proof of how bullshit
most relationships are,

716
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,006
look how people desperately
people seek advice.

717
00:40:49,030 --> 00:40:50,990
"What's the secret
to a happy relationship?

718
00:40:51,074 --> 00:40:53,177
What's the secret
to a long and successful relationship?"

719
00:40:53,201 --> 00:40:54,702
Here it is, gather around, come on.

720
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:57,622
Fucking nothing.

721
00:40:58,456 --> 00:40:59,999
It should be as easy as breathing.

722
00:41:00,124 --> 00:41:02,186
You should be nothing without them
and everything with them.

723
00:41:02,210 --> 00:41:04,379
If it gets difficult at any point,
get out,

724
00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:07,548
'cause there's 7.5 billion people
on the planet. You'll find a new one.

725
00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:12,345
That just compromises
the single dumbest thing

726
00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:14,406
I've ever heard of
in my entire life, 'cause I've done it.

727
00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:17,725
I've done it so many times, every time
I'm in a relationship, of course I do it.

728
00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:21,396
Everyone in my family,
extended family tree, met,

729
00:41:21,646 --> 00:41:24,190
married, had kids by the time
they were 25.

730
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,318
Zero divorces anywhere in my family tree.

731
00:41:28,027 --> 00:41:29,027
I'm 26.

732
00:41:29,070 --> 00:41:31,656
I've fucked more people
than my entire family combined.

733
00:41:33,574 --> 00:41:35,034
That’s not good.

734
00:41:35,451 --> 00:41:36,744
I'm not proud of that.

735
00:41:38,413 --> 00:41:39,413
Hey.

736
00:41:42,417 --> 00:41:46,170
So whenever I'm in a relationship,
I'm so desperate to emulate my elders

737
00:41:46,254 --> 00:41:49,257
to have this successful relationship,
that I'll do what they say.

738
00:41:49,340 --> 00:41:51,801
And I'll compromise
and then I change who I am.

739
00:41:51,884 --> 00:41:55,084
And then for some reason, I hate myself.
Why do I have myself? 'Cause I'm not me.

740
00:41:55,138 --> 00:41:57,618
I'm whoever this fucking person
manufactured. I'm done with it.

741
00:41:57,682 --> 00:42:00,852
Now I'm of the opinion that
if you do not love 100% of who I am,

742
00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:02,687
off you fucking fuck.

743
00:42:04,022 --> 00:42:08,359
All right? Thank you. That's not
arrogance. That's not narcissism.

744
00:42:08,443 --> 00:42:10,838
That's the way every single person
in this room should feel about themselves

745
00:42:10,862 --> 00:42:17,035
because if you do not love 100%
of who I am, you do not love me.

746
00:42:17,201 --> 00:42:20,955
You love an idea of me, which you have
falsely fabricated in your head,

747
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:24,751
and it's not my fault if I do not live up
to those expectations.

748
00:42:25,126 --> 00:42:29,047
You have to love the good with the shit,
mainly because I'm 90% shit.

749
00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:35,303
You have to love 100% of me,
because that's what makes me, me.

750
00:42:35,470 --> 00:42:36,864
If you don't love 100% of who I am,

751
00:42:36,888 --> 00:42:39,766
there's 7.5 billion people on this planet,
go out and find one of them,

752
00:42:39,849 --> 00:42:43,311
see if you love a 100% of them and see
if they can tolerate your fucking mom.

753
00:42:48,149 --> 00:42:50,276
Because I'll love 100% of you,

754
00:42:50,359 --> 00:42:51,444
I will.

755
00:42:51,652 --> 00:42:54,155
Even the bits that annoy me,
I'll still love them

756
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:57,742
because that's what makes you, you,
that's who you are to me,

757
00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,636
and you have to love
my weird little bits, too.

758
00:42:59,660 --> 00:43:02,872
For example, if we're going out
and you don't love the fact that

759
00:43:02,955 --> 00:43:06,542
once a month I shave my asshole
'cause I find it easier to wipe and...

760
00:43:10,713 --> 00:43:12,340
then you don't love me.

761
00:43:15,176 --> 00:43:16,636
I feel I've lost some of you.

762
00:43:20,139 --> 00:43:21,658
I'm going to assume the people I lost,

763
00:43:21,682 --> 00:43:23,402
I'm going to assume that
you're the monsters

764
00:43:23,476 --> 00:43:25,770
that do not wax or shave your assholes.

765
00:43:26,813 --> 00:43:28,981
If you do not wax or shave your asshole,

766
00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:32,902
sort your fucking life out immediately.

767
00:43:33,236 --> 00:43:36,781
And allow me to clarify,
I don't care where you have body hair.

768
00:43:36,906 --> 00:43:39,700
I really don't. Have as much,
have as little as you like.

769
00:43:39,784 --> 00:43:42,787
It's your body, but be a decent
human being, would you?

770
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:44,664
It's disgusting not to.

771
00:43:44,747 --> 00:43:47,959
And I can use your own logic against you,
if you were to get poo, human poo,

772
00:43:48,042 --> 00:43:51,243
in the air on your head, don't know how
you did it, but you did, you're a legend.

773
00:43:53,714 --> 00:43:58,261
Would your one and only reaction be to get
a bit of toilet paper folded over and go?

774
00:44:00,304 --> 00:44:01,931
That's clean forever.

775
00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:06,561
I don't need to wash this.
I don't need to cut this out.

776
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:08,247
I don't need to burn this
with a fucking lighter.

777
00:44:08,271 --> 00:44:11,274
Nah, the magical toilet paper got rid
of all the stuff.

778
00:44:11,357 --> 00:44:13,359
No, you wouldn't.
How's your ass any different?

779
00:44:13,442 --> 00:44:14,902
Shave your fucking assholes.

780
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:17,655
Just do it.

781
00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:24,787
- [man whistles]
- [Daniel scoffs]

782
00:44:24,871 --> 00:44:26,497
That was one of them farting.

783
00:44:26,581 --> 00:44:28,583
[audience laughing]

784
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:35,047
I can see a lot of doubters, right.

785
00:44:35,131 --> 00:44:37,842
I'm not done with this bit, by the way,
not even close.

786
00:44:38,551 --> 00:44:41,312
Because some of you won't do it.
Some of you will go home and be like,

787
00:44:41,387 --> 00:44:44,098
"He was wrong." I'm not fucking wrong,
shave your ass. I swear...

788
00:44:44,182 --> 00:44:45,474
Right.

789
00:44:45,558 --> 00:44:48,561
If you have a hairy asshole,
mainly the men in the room,

790
00:44:48,811 --> 00:44:51,230
it's been so long since you've

791
00:44:51,314 --> 00:44:53,566
shat with not a hairy asshole,

792
00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:57,153
that you don't remember what it's like,
and honestly, it's just so much easier.

793
00:44:57,236 --> 00:44:59,238
'Cause if you've shat
with a hairy asshole,

794
00:44:59,322 --> 00:45:01,490
when you wipe, it's kind of like trying...

795
00:45:01,574 --> 00:45:04,452
Brush crunchy peanut butter out of a rug.

796
00:45:04,911 --> 00:45:07,914
Like, you can't...
Listen to the fucking truth.

797
00:45:09,123 --> 00:45:12,710
You're getting some of it, but you're just
moving bulks of it around.

798
00:45:12,877 --> 00:45:15,129
You're clumping bits of the rug together,

799
00:45:15,254 --> 00:45:17,924
this bit is always going to
smell like peanut butter.

800
00:45:20,343 --> 00:45:22,637
But once you shaved the...

801
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,848
Oh, my God! The first time I shaved
my butthole, I went for a poo.

802
00:45:25,932 --> 00:45:28,309
Afterwards, when I wiped,
I checked the toilet paper.

803
00:45:28,392 --> 00:45:30,311
It was so clean, I thought I'd missed.

804
00:45:33,481 --> 00:45:36,484
It saves time. It saves effort.
It saves paper.

805
00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:38,653
Vegans, you should be on this.

806
00:45:49,747 --> 00:45:53,834
My ex-girlfriend was without a doubt
the single worst human being I've ever met

807
00:45:53,918 --> 00:45:54,919
in my life.

808
00:45:56,921 --> 00:45:59,966
Her hobbies were manipulation
and general cunt-ering.

809
00:46:02,635 --> 00:46:04,345
Her version of the jigsaw analogy was

810
00:46:04,428 --> 00:46:06,149
she wanted to do everything
within her power

811
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:08,391
to destroy my jigsaw puzzle,

812
00:46:08,474 --> 00:46:11,143
so that the only one I had left
to play with was hers.

813
00:46:11,435 --> 00:46:14,355
She was a vindictively intelligent woman

814
00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:16,524
and spiteful to the core.

815
00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:19,610
She created this perfect person.

816
00:46:19,819 --> 00:46:22,947
This act that she acted out in public
who everyone fell in love with,

817
00:46:23,030 --> 00:46:24,841
my friends fell in love with,
my family fell in love with,

818
00:46:24,865 --> 00:46:26,867
who I fell in love with.

819
00:46:26,951 --> 00:46:29,287
She was flawless,
and then behind closed doors,

820
00:46:29,370 --> 00:46:31,848
she was entirely different because
she knew I wouldn't have an argument

821
00:46:31,872 --> 00:46:33,433
if I then went out into the real world.

822
00:46:33,541 --> 00:46:36,395
I'd be like, "She's being a bitch."
They're like, "She's fucking perfect.

823
00:46:36,419 --> 00:46:38,212
How are you ruining this, Daniel?"

824
00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:40,798
She knew I wasn't like this on stage.

825
00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:42,717
She knew how insecure I was.

826
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:44,987
She would find my insecurities and
then she would then use them against me

827
00:46:45,011 --> 00:46:46,387
to make me doubt myself.

828
00:46:46,762 --> 00:46:50,808
She would find people I loved and trusted
more than her and then turn me on them

829
00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:53,477
so that she was the center of my life.

830
00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:56,897
She was jealous of the most insane things.

831
00:46:57,315 --> 00:47:00,568
She was jealous of my relationship
with my father.

832
00:47:03,029 --> 00:47:05,114
I've not fucked my dad in years.

833
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:13,289
And even then, that wasn't love,
that was just raw sexual chemistry.

834
00:47:15,750 --> 00:47:17,752
[Giggling like a school girl]

835
00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:23,006
Jeez.

836
00:47:27,011 --> 00:47:30,556
My best friend in the whole wide world
is a woman called Jean.

837
00:47:30,639 --> 00:47:32,743
We've been best friends
for about eight or nine years.

838
00:47:32,767 --> 00:47:35,853
We've lived together for five.
She's like a sister to me, she really is.

839
00:47:36,187 --> 00:47:38,347
A lot of people don't believe
it's platonic, but it is,

840
00:47:38,397 --> 00:47:41,108
the idea of each other naked
makes us both very sad.

841
00:47:42,818 --> 00:47:45,905
But we love each other, we do, we've just
been together through most things.

842
00:47:46,572 --> 00:47:48,991
Two months into my relationship
with my ex-girlfriend,

843
00:47:49,075 --> 00:47:52,453
she was like, "Sometimes I feel like
you love Jean more than me."

844
00:47:53,245 --> 00:47:55,373
And I was like, "Baby, no!

845
00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:57,375
All the time!"

846
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:03,214
Every hour of every day I love her
more than I love you.

847
00:48:03,297 --> 00:48:05,299
Because she's put the ground work in.

848
00:48:05,966 --> 00:48:09,136
You don't get to suck a dick
and go number one, you sociopath."

849
00:48:17,937 --> 00:48:19,480
Except I didn't say that, did I?

850
00:48:20,940 --> 00:48:23,340
What I actually said was, "No, baby.
You're right. I'm sorry.

851
00:48:24,443 --> 00:48:26,404
If that's how you feel, I'll...

852
00:48:26,487 --> 00:48:30,116
I'll talk to Jean less if that's case,
'cause I should be focusing on you.

853
00:48:30,241 --> 00:48:32,677
If you don't want me talking to my dad
as much, I'll just talk to you.

854
00:48:32,701 --> 00:48:34,096
'Cause you're right,
it should be about you."

855
00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:37,456
And of course, everyone else,
my family and society agreed.

856
00:48:37,540 --> 00:48:39,875
Sacrifice. If someone doesn't love
100% of who you are,

857
00:48:40,042 --> 00:48:42,420
change who you are until they do.

858
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:44,171
So I changed myself.

859
00:48:44,380 --> 00:48:47,633
My friends didn't like me as much,
because of course they fucking didn't,

860
00:48:47,716 --> 00:48:49,111
but they wouldn't interrupt and stop it,

861
00:48:49,135 --> 00:48:51,512
because I was happy on the outside,
because I was keeping up

862
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:53,264
the fucking illusion.

863
00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:56,350
And I was so sad.
I was so miserable.

864
00:48:56,434 --> 00:48:59,687
There were so many parts of her that
I hated, but I would never even dare

865
00:48:59,770 --> 00:49:03,065
to have the audacity to change them.
In hindsight, I know what they are.

866
00:49:03,149 --> 00:49:04,483
She was vegan.

867
00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:11,907
Yeah, now the first 20 minutes
of the show make sense, don't they? Yeah!

868
00:49:12,533 --> 00:49:13,701
Uh...

869
00:49:15,870 --> 00:49:19,290
For the first time in my life,
I was fucking sad.

870
00:49:20,207 --> 00:49:22,251
For the first time in a very, very...

871
00:49:22,334 --> 00:49:24,815
I hated my... I remember just one day
standing in the shower...

872
00:49:25,421 --> 00:49:26,797
just being like, "Is this it?"

873
00:49:28,048 --> 00:49:29,467
Like, "Is this my life?

874
00:49:30,468 --> 00:49:31,677
Am I vegan?"

875
00:49:38,559 --> 00:49:42,271
That's what I came up with a joke about
patiently waiting for her to die.

876
00:49:42,813 --> 00:49:45,024
That's how desperate I was.

877
00:49:45,649 --> 00:49:48,527
And she's not gonna. She's vegan.
That cunt's gonna live forever.

878
00:49:51,906 --> 00:49:54,843
Then one day, I finally broke up with her.
I finally snapped. I couldn't do it.

879
00:49:54,867 --> 00:49:58,996
Oh, my God, the relief and the joy
and the happiness felt on that day.

880
00:49:59,163 --> 00:50:01,266
I strongly recommend you break up with
your partners right now

881
00:50:01,290 --> 00:50:05,377
just to feel even a bit
of what I felt that day.

882
00:50:05,920 --> 00:50:10,174
But the second I broke up with her,
I felt sad, like five minutes later,

883
00:50:10,257 --> 00:50:12,801
because just that everything
came crashing down.

884
00:50:13,344 --> 00:50:15,429
Why am I happier when I'm alone?

885
00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:18,265
Why am I happier when I'm not
with someone?

886
00:50:18,390 --> 00:50:21,227
Dad says the center of your jigsaw
should be about this partner piece.

887
00:50:21,310 --> 00:50:23,562
Why am I happier
when there's not one there?

888
00:50:23,771 --> 00:50:25,832
That's when I realized the bit
my dad got wrong but right

889
00:50:25,856 --> 00:50:27,042
in his own adorable little way.

890
00:50:27,066 --> 00:50:30,444
He said the center of the jigsaw is about
partner piece, and he's right and wrong.

891
00:50:30,528 --> 00:50:32,988
It's happiness, find something
that makes you happy.

892
00:50:33,072 --> 00:50:34,823
Make it the center of your life.

893
00:50:34,949 --> 00:50:37,093
And then everything else will
naturally fit in around it.

894
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:38,953
Is just so happens that for my dad

895
00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:42,581
his happiness piece and his partner piece
are the same piece.

896
00:50:43,082 --> 00:50:44,082
They're my mother.

897
00:50:44,542 --> 00:50:47,461
My mom and dad have been married
for about 30 years now and to this day,

898
00:50:47,545 --> 00:50:51,340
disgustingly in love with each other.
Like, it's really sickening.

899
00:50:51,799 --> 00:50:54,385
My dad is adorably smitten by my mom.

900
00:50:54,677 --> 00:50:57,930
Like, every morning he wakes up in bed,
he rolls over and he looks at her,

901
00:50:58,055 --> 00:51:00,057
and he just can't believe his luck.

902
00:51:00,474 --> 00:51:03,102
And she's the same every morning.
She wakes up, she rolls over,

903
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:06,063
she looks at him and she, too,
can't believe his luck.

904
00:51:10,818 --> 00:51:13,237
He's not perfect. He's loud.
He's obnoxious,

905
00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:16,865
but he's a good man
with a massive cock and...

906
00:51:17,908 --> 00:51:20,202
And she knows what she wants,
good on her.

907
00:51:20,286 --> 00:51:22,913
You get that dick, Mom,
you earned it. Yeah!

908
00:51:23,497 --> 00:51:25,791
Get it, son, yeah!

909
00:51:27,209 --> 00:51:28,209
[laughing]

910
00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:37,511
But that's the truth for some people
and not for everyone.

911
00:51:38,137 --> 00:51:40,556
If you are in a relationship
that makes you happy,

912
00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:43,058
and you make that other person happy,
congratulations.

913
00:51:43,142 --> 00:51:44,768
Keep that up. That's amazing.

914
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:48,522
But to all the single people in the room,
the perpetually single people,

915
00:51:48,647 --> 00:51:50,750
the people in relationships they would
rather not be in,

916
00:51:50,774 --> 00:51:53,777
but it's just too easy to stay in.

917
00:51:55,070 --> 00:51:56,113
I mean this.

918
00:51:57,031 --> 00:51:59,617
You have to learn to love yourself

919
00:51:59,700 --> 00:52:02,870
before you can allow someone else
to do it as well.

920
00:52:03,537 --> 00:52:05,873
That's it. There's nothing wrong
with being single.

921
00:52:05,956 --> 00:52:07,583
There's nothing wrong with being alone.

922
00:52:07,666 --> 00:52:11,462
There's nothing wrong with taking time
for yourself to work out who you are

923
00:52:11,545 --> 00:52:13,422
before you go out there
into the dating world,

924
00:52:13,505 --> 00:52:17,885
because how can you offer who you are
if you don't know who you are?

925
00:52:18,344 --> 00:52:20,387
There's nothing wrong with being selfish
for a bit

926
00:52:20,471 --> 00:52:23,515
because you've got the rest of your life
to be selfless.

927
00:52:24,141 --> 00:52:28,646
If you only love yourself at 20%,
that means somebody can come along

928
00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:31,690
and love you 30%.
You're like, "Wow, that's so much."

929
00:52:31,774 --> 00:52:33,525
It's literally less than half.

930
00:52:35,527 --> 00:52:39,281
Whereas if you love yourself 100%,
a person that falls in love with you

931
00:52:39,448 --> 00:52:42,618
has to go above and beyond
the call of duty to make you feel special.

932
00:52:42,701 --> 00:52:46,080
That's something every one of us deserves,
and that doesn't mean you're not happy.

933
00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:48,874
You can get your happiness
from hundreds of different people

934
00:52:48,957 --> 00:52:50,626
and not even in a slutty way.

935
00:52:52,044 --> 00:52:54,630
Now don't get me wrong,
the slutty way is fucking fun.

936
00:52:55,839 --> 00:52:57,216
Right? But that's the thing,

937
00:52:57,299 --> 00:52:59,843
I get my happiness from hundreds
of different people every day

938
00:52:59,927 --> 00:53:01,363
and a hundred different things.
Like, this is my job.

939
00:53:01,387 --> 00:53:04,848
I never in my wildest fucking dreams

940
00:53:04,932 --> 00:53:07,559
ever thought I would get to this stage
of my fucking career.

941
00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:11,438
I was used to just telling fucking
wank jokes in the bottom of pubs, right?

942
00:53:11,772 --> 00:53:13,124
I never thought I'd get to do this.

943
00:53:13,148 --> 00:53:15,085
Every single one of you,
it adds a bit to the happiness.

944
00:53:15,109 --> 00:53:16,878
All my friends from all over the world
adds a little bit,

945
00:53:16,902 --> 00:53:20,364
so instead of one main bit in the middle
of the jigsaw, it loads little pieces.

946
00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:23,007
If one of them goes away,
that's a bit sad, but I can replace it.

947
00:53:23,033 --> 00:53:24,844
But I'm now terrified
'cause at this point in my life,

948
00:53:24,868 --> 00:53:27,663
I can honestly say
I'm the happiest I've ever been.

949
00:53:28,038 --> 00:53:31,041
My jigsaw is complete. That's not good,
'cause it's not forever.

950
00:53:31,125 --> 00:53:33,043
I'm 26. I've peaked far too soon.

951
00:53:34,628 --> 00:53:37,965
The next couple shows after this
are gonna be pretty fucking brutal.

952
00:53:39,091 --> 00:53:41,510
But I'm terrified having this perfect
jigsaw at the moment

953
00:53:41,593 --> 00:53:45,514
because it's gonna make me more selfish.
What if the perfect girl does walk by,

954
00:53:45,597 --> 00:53:48,726
and I'm just standing there going,
"Don't you fucking touch my jigsaw"?

955
00:53:52,813 --> 00:53:54,022
[hisses]

956
00:53:56,024 --> 00:53:58,861
I'll glue this down. I'll varnish this.
You'll fucking see.

957
00:54:01,947 --> 00:54:04,867
Even if I were to get into a relationship,
find that "perfect" person...

958
00:54:06,535 --> 00:54:08,746
I don't know if I'd ever be happy
or secure.

959
00:54:09,872 --> 00:54:11,582
Being with one person,

960
00:54:12,291 --> 00:54:15,127
trusting that person because as I know

961
00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:16,754
and as you know,

962
00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:20,466
it is impossible to tell whether
the person you are with

963
00:54:20,549 --> 00:54:23,010
loves you from the bottom
of their heart...

964
00:54:24,386 --> 00:54:27,264
or whether they're just patiently waiting
for you to die.

965
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:36,023
This is not the happiest ending to a show,

966
00:54:36,106 --> 00:54:39,777
but with this show, this very one,
I've created true happiness.

967
00:54:41,028 --> 00:54:44,198
Because in August last year,
I ended a 13-year marriage.

968
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:54,958
Now you can say there's
no happiness involved in that,

969
00:54:55,042 --> 00:54:58,212
but I gave four kids two Christmases.
I'm a fucking god!

970
00:55:02,049 --> 00:55:05,469
If in the next couple of weeks or months,
you and your partner...

971
00:55:06,637 --> 00:55:08,263
if you end up breaking up,

972
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:11,433
and it's because of anything I said
during the show,

973
00:55:12,142 --> 00:55:17,105
like, if that jigsaw analogy just plays
over and over and over again in your head,

974
00:55:17,189 --> 00:55:20,150
which it should because
it's fucking excellent.

975
00:55:21,819 --> 00:55:23,445
And the thing about doubt,

976
00:55:23,612 --> 00:55:26,448
doubt isn't a flower. Doubt's a wheat.
I don't need to water it.

977
00:55:26,532 --> 00:55:30,035
It'll just slowly spread through
your brain over the next couple months.

978
00:55:30,118 --> 00:55:33,413
One day your partner will be all nice.
They'll bring you breakfast in bed.

979
00:55:33,497 --> 00:55:35,850
And they'll be like, "I got you some
orange juice," and it'll have pulp in it.

980
00:55:35,874 --> 00:55:37,595
And you'll be like,
"Fuck, Sloss was right."

981
00:55:42,047 --> 00:55:44,526
If you end up breaking up with
your partner 'cause of anything I said,

982
00:55:44,550 --> 00:55:48,470
for the love of God, please, please,
please, tweet me.

983
00:55:50,472 --> 00:55:52,474
Because I'd love to know.

984
00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:56,770
Since August 2016,
I've been doing this show.

985
00:55:56,854 --> 00:55:57,729
I've traveled around the world.

986
00:55:57,813 --> 00:56:00,834
I have been notified by Facebook, Twitter
and Instagram that I have successfully

987
00:56:00,858 --> 00:56:03,819
and officially ended 72 relationships.

988
00:56:04,695 --> 00:56:07,239
144 lives saved.

989
00:56:09,825 --> 00:56:11,827
Where's my Nobel Peace Prize?

990
00:56:21,420 --> 00:56:25,382
To any people watching at home,
'cause that's just been on a live tour.

991
00:56:25,465 --> 00:56:29,094
When this goes out live,
I'm fucking saving this place.

992
00:56:31,513 --> 00:56:34,391
And before you get sad on behalf
of people you've never met before,

993
00:56:34,474 --> 00:56:38,312
understand none of that was true love.
I'm not here to break up true love.

994
00:56:38,395 --> 00:56:40,675
I never would want to,
and I don't think I possibly could.

995
00:56:40,856 --> 00:56:44,234
If you're sat there right now
besides someone who makes you so happy,

996
00:56:44,610 --> 00:56:46,987
like,
they just fill you with joy every day

997
00:56:47,070 --> 00:56:51,199
and you're confident that you can
make them as happy as they make you,

998
00:56:51,617 --> 00:56:54,286
from the bottom of my heart,
if you have that,

999
00:56:54,369 --> 00:56:56,788
congratulations and fuck you.

1000
00:56:59,124 --> 00:57:01,752
All I'm saying is
question fucking everything.

1001
00:57:03,962 --> 00:57:07,049
If you are not comfortable asking
yourselves the questions I've asked you

1002
00:57:07,132 --> 00:57:10,761
during this show it's because
you are terrified of the answers.

1003
00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:17,184
The worst thing you can do with your life
is spend it with the wrong human being.

1004
00:57:20,270 --> 00:57:26,151
There are 7.5 billion people
on this planet,

1005
00:57:26,234 --> 00:57:30,072
and you found your soul mate 20 miles
from where you live.

1006
00:57:34,785 --> 00:57:37,829
Seems like a bit of a cowinkydink to me.

1007
00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:42,336
I understand there will be a lot
of slightly older people in the audience

1008
00:57:42,376 --> 00:57:46,546
listening to a 26-year-old talk about his
opinions on love, relationships, whatnot,

1009
00:57:46,630 --> 00:57:49,091
and you're probably sat there going,
"Daniel, you're so young.

1010
00:57:49,174 --> 00:57:51,677
You're so naive, you are.
You're so cynical.

1011
00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:54,221
I know that, darling,
because I used to be like you.

1012
00:57:54,304 --> 00:57:56,991
I used to believe the same things
when I was your age. I totally did.

1013
00:57:57,015 --> 00:58:00,185
I used to be like, 'There's no such thing
as love, ' and then I met this one.

1014
00:58:00,268 --> 00:58:03,271
And we've been together ever since,
and it has been a journey.

1015
00:58:03,355 --> 00:58:06,233
It has been work, but we loved each other
so we did work it,

1016
00:58:06,316 --> 00:58:08,044
because that's what
you got wrong there, Daniel.

1017
00:58:08,068 --> 00:58:10,988
It is about work. It is about graft,
but it's worth it in the end,

1018
00:58:11,071 --> 00:58:13,466
because it's us together now.
We got these two beautiful children

1019
00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:15,093
that have grown up,
and they're going through it, too.

1020
00:58:15,117 --> 00:58:16,034
And I understand, Daniel.

1021
00:58:16,118 --> 00:58:18,137
I know why you feel that way,
but one day you will find it.

1022
00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:21,665
You will find true love, and I can't wait
for you to get it for yourself."

1023
00:58:22,249 --> 00:58:24,418
If that's you, if that's how you feel...

1024
00:58:25,711 --> 00:58:27,087
I hope you're right.

1025
00:58:28,046 --> 00:58:30,090
I really do. I want to be a husband.

1026
00:58:30,215 --> 00:58:32,843
I want to be a dad
more than anything in the world.

1027
00:58:33,719 --> 00:58:35,637
Because I guess if you're not right...

1028
00:58:39,349 --> 00:58:41,226
I guess if you're wrong,

1029
00:58:42,019 --> 00:58:44,730
the only other alternative is

1030
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:47,399
that when you were my age,

1031
00:58:47,774 --> 00:58:52,904
you were so terrified of being alone
that you forced yourself to love someone.

1032
00:58:57,784 --> 00:58:59,745
I've been Daniel Sloss.
Have a wonderful life.

1033
00:58:59,828 --> 00:59:01,830
[applauding and cheering]

1034
00:59:13,675 --> 00:59:17,345
Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck yes.
Yeah!