1 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:58,141 Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh! 2 00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:02,354 What would you do if you were in a situation like this? Gosh! 3 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:05,148 Gosh! Gosh! Gosh! 4 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,316 DON'T VOTE FOR PEDRO 5 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,375 JULIA JONES'S Diary 6 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,465 Dear Diary, I had that nightmare again. 7 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:34,012 Weight 389 lbs. cigarettes 1,42 per day Alcohol units - Tara Reid status 8 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,680 I fear I'll never get married. 9 00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:37,139 L 10 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:40,935 Maybe I am destined to be a sad old spinster... 11 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:45,272 ...whose only companionship comes from an absurd amount of cats. 12 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:01,664 No, that won't be me! 13 00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:03,582 I believe in true love. 14 00:02:05,043 --> 00:02:07,712 My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere... 15 00:02:07,879 --> 00:02:10,172 ...and I'm gonna find him. 16 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,282 Oh, shit. 17 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,330 GREEK DINER 18 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:04,554 Hi, Dad. 19 00:05:05,056 --> 00:05:06,348 Look here, Julia. 20 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,433 When you gonna find a man and get married? 21 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,561 You looking old, fat, and saggy. 22 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:16,358 And the mole on your forearm, it's growing a mole. 23 00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:19,569 Let's put some hummus on it. 24 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,113 Cures everything. 25 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,492 Baby, you gotta find a man. 26 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,120 In our race to protect our Greek heritage... 27 00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:31,373 Yes, yes, yes. And my heritage too. 28 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:34,376 Let us not forget, you're also one half Indian. 29 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:39,589 - Your mother's right. - Big sister, we also Japanese. 30 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:40,757 And Jewish. 31 00:05:41,259 --> 00:05:46,055 So you're telling me I have to marry a guy who's a Greek-Indian-Japanese-Jew? 32 00:05:46,222 --> 00:05:50,600 Baby, you're acting like that's hard to find. I mean, look around. They everywhere. 33 00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:58,025 Nicky. Nicky! 34 00:05:58,192 --> 00:05:59,442 You're Greek, right? 35 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:04,073 Yeah. And Indian and Japanese and a Jew. 36 00:06:05,992 --> 00:06:08,035 You wanna go out with my daughter? 37 00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,579 No, I don't like redheads. Sorry. 38 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:20,463 Dad, I know I'm no beauty, but I'm not gonna settle. 39 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:25,385 I respect our heritage, but I believe love is blind. 40 00:06:26,262 --> 00:06:30,141 Somewhere out there is my true love. 41 00:06:30,308 --> 00:06:32,434 No! Back to work. 42 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,189 Coffee? 43 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,279 - More coffee? - Excellent. 44 00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,447 Jolly good. I quite fancy some... 45 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,454 ...more coffee, actually. 46 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,334 Pick up. 47 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,922 Pick up! Pick up! 48 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,422 - Okay. - Pick up! 49 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,591 I'm coming. 50 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,658 Hitch Feeling all alone? Hitch'll find you someone to bone 51 00:07:33,204 --> 00:07:36,332 HITCH - DATE DOCTOR M.D., Ph.D., DDS... OBGYN 52 00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:44,256 Oh, hell, no! 53 00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:47,343 - You're Hitch? - You got a problem with that? 54 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:50,221 Please, I'm desperate. 55 00:07:51,097 --> 00:07:54,308 Even I can't help you, and I found Star Jones a husband. 56 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,234 Shit. Come on in. 57 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:06,736 Thanks for seeing me. I heard you're the best. 58 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,530 You're goddamn right I'm the best! 59 00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:11,117 Look at all the couples I'm responsible for. 60 00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,535 You got Brad and Jen. 61 00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:14,869 Jessica and Nick. 62 00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:16,247 Ben and Gwyn. 63 00:08:16,414 --> 00:08:17,497 Ben and Jen. 64 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:18,832 Ben and Jen. 65 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,042 Ben and Matt. 66 00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:21,335 Whitney and Bobby. 67 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,752 Kobe and Shaq. 68 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,171 Ellen and Anne. 69 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:25,672 Yeah, I do them too. 70 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,634 Well, there's this guy at the diner where I work. 71 00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,846 We had this moment. 72 00:08:33,014 --> 00:08:34,390 What happened? 73 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,476 I turned around and he was gone. 74 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,978 He probably got a good look at your mug and ran. 75 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:46,110 Why don't we broaden the search from that one guy to just any nigga? 76 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,737 - Okay. - Eight out of ten guys believe... 77 00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:52,991 ...the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship. 78 00:08:53,159 --> 00:08:56,037 So before we get started, let's see what you got. 79 00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:05,587 Stinky. You got the dragon. 80 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,138 You got a little something in there. 81 00:09:27,443 --> 00:09:28,735 A whole wing? 82 00:09:30,112 --> 00:09:33,823 Extra crispy? Goddamn! 83 00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,389 Good gracious! 84 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:03,104 Off of me, trick! What are you, hungry? 85 00:10:11,529 --> 00:10:12,695 I'm hopeless. 86 00:10:15,491 --> 00:10:17,951 I'm never gonna meet my Prince Charming. 87 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:19,828 I got it. 88 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:28,295 - A reality dating show? - Says here you can meet your dream man. 89 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,004 Extreme BACHELOR DESPERATE EDITION 90 00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:32,882 It also says you have to be beautiful. 91 00:10:33,551 --> 00:10:37,221 Well, you're beautiful-ish. 92 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,682 Come on, Hitch. The only way I could get on that show... 93 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,768 ...is if you magically turn me into a princess. 94 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,730 Let's roll. 95 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,322 Yo, fellas. 96 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,115 West Side Custom WSC 97 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,413 Time to pimp her out. 98 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:17,904 Hey, hey. 99 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,579 - Yeah. - Yeah. 100 00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,311 Worst Foods Mayonnaise 101 00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:05,619 Whoa, you officially pimped out. 102 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,628 All right, girl. Now you're good to go. 103 00:13:21,302 --> 00:13:22,386 Ladies, good evening. 104 00:13:22,553 --> 00:13:26,557 And welcome to The Extreme Bachelor, Desperate Edition. 105 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,975 By the end of tonight's episode... 106 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,771 ...one of you lucky ladies will be chosen by the bachelor... 107 00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,064 ...to go on a dream date. 108 00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,150 So let's meet him. 109 00:13:37,318 --> 00:13:40,820 He's a doctor who gets a lot of tail. 110 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:46,159 Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor? 111 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,379 - Hi. Lovely to meet you. - Hi. 112 00:13:57,546 --> 00:13:58,714 Hello, I'm Grant. 113 00:13:58,880 --> 00:13:59,881 - Hi. - Hi. 114 00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,675 - I'm Grant. - Hi, Grant. 115 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:02,884 Nice to meet you. 116 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,264 I'm Julia. 117 00:14:08,766 --> 00:14:10,266 Pleasure. 118 00:14:12,353 --> 00:14:15,104 Now, Grant, the elimination round. 119 00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,734 Essentially nixing the girls you don't want to bang. 120 00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,943 Who's going to be eliminated? 121 00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:41,881 Nice aim, Grant. Good eye. 122 00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,896 Julia, will you accept this rose? 123 00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,857 Yes. 124 00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:29,471 Guys, congratulations. 125 00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:33,559 You have won a dinner for two at A Restaurant. 126 00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:35,602 A Restaurant! 127 00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:40,774 Thanks! 128 00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:44,110 A Restaurant 129 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,405 Oh, yeah, that's it. 130 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:49,825 Oh, God. 131 00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,328 Oh, yeah. 132 00:15:55,456 --> 00:15:56,998 Yeah. 133 00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,250 Yeah. 134 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:00,960 Yes! 135 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,171 Yes! 136 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,298 Yes! 137 00:16:05,466 --> 00:16:07,341 Oh, yeah. 138 00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:09,260 Oh, yes! 139 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,970 Oh, yeah! 140 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,850 Yes! Yes! Yes! 141 00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:18,227 Yes! Yes! Yes! 142 00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:22,566 Yes! Yes! Yes! 143 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,196 Yes! Yes! 144 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,157 Yes! 145 00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:39,833 Oh, God. 146 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,043 Gosh. 147 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,462 So you're saying you do want the pork chops? 148 00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:45,964 - Yes, please. - Okay. 149 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,132 I'll have what he's having. 150 00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,384 So tell me about you. 151 00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:53,054 Oh, I'm just a waitress. 152 00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:57,099 But I want to go to school to be a pastry chef. 153 00:16:57,266 --> 00:17:00,353 Oh, hi. My name is Julia Jones. 154 00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:04,106 And for my admissions essay, I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard... 155 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:08,277 ...why I would make an amazing pastry chef. 156 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:13,742 JULIA GONE WILD 157 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,744 What a coincidence. 158 00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:17,663 I love pie. 159 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:20,666 - I've gotta take you downtown for the best... - Hummus pie? 160 00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,166 You've been there? 161 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,963 That's actually my recipe. 162 00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:28,840 But tell me more about you. 163 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,844 Like, what's your favorite love song? 164 00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,431 It's kind of corny. 165 00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,725 Oh, come on. 166 00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:56,200 You're that waitress. 167 00:17:58,662 --> 00:17:59,830 You've changed. 168 00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:03,834 Well, I was sort of going through a phase. 169 00:18:06,837 --> 00:18:08,922 I was downright ugly. 170 00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:11,967 I don't remember you ever being ugly. 171 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:15,553 But I remember you. 172 00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:32,153 I can't explain it, but when I'm with you I just feel so alive. 173 00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:37,868 - Me too. - I just wanna scream and shout and.... 174 00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:40,536 Bum fight? 175 00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:47,168 Julia? 176 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,464 Come on. 177 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,048 Yes! 178 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,216 Yes! 179 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:37,468 Yes! 180 00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,345 Oh, yeah. 181 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,812 That was amazing. 182 00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:48,396 It sure was. 183 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,866 She faked it, Grant. 184 00:20:00,951 --> 00:20:03,870 But I didn't. 185 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:07,581 Meow. 186 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,128 Meow. 187 00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:47,873 Oh, no, no, no! 188 00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:49,166 CRABS HOTEL 189 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:50,768 SPHINCTER Bleach Leaves Rectum Sparkling 190 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,710 OLDMAN'S OWN BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE DOUCHE 191 00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:56,505 No, no, no! 192 00:20:56,672 --> 00:21:00,844 No! No! 193 00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:17,359 - Tingly. - Grant... 194 00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:20,738 ...how would you feel about meeting my parents? 195 00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,892 So, Grant... 196 00:21:49,810 --> 00:21:51,685 - ...ever knock anyone up? - Mom. 197 00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:55,731 Well, I want many grandkids, and how do I know if he's shooting blanks or not? 198 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:01,654 Bathroom's down the hall. 199 00:22:02,823 --> 00:22:04,866 VICKY'S SECRET 200 00:22:09,079 --> 00:22:11,497 Just leave the sample on the counter. 201 00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:32,476 Sorry. 202 00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:35,856 That's Jinxers. 203 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,446 Taught him how to do that. 204 00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:21,234 Julia told me your last name. How do you pronounce it? 205 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,651 Just how it's spelled. 206 00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:27,656 F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R. 207 00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:29,284 Fockyerdoder? 208 00:23:35,873 --> 00:23:39,877 - Allergic to cats? - No, no, I love cats. 209 00:23:40,045 --> 00:23:44,007 In fact, growing up on a farm, I once milked a cat. 210 00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:47,676 I got nipples, Grant. 211 00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:49,595 Can you milk me? 212 00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:58,437 May I say that's an exquisite vase? 213 00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,190 An ancient artifact, I presume. 214 00:24:00,357 --> 00:24:04,568 That's actually an urn containing the remains of Frank's mother. 215 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,823 Well, I'm sure your mother would want to celebrate... 216 00:24:09,991 --> 00:24:12,953 ...that Julia finally applied to pastry school. 217 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:16,538 - What? School? - Don't you want me to better myself? 218 00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:19,209 No! I want you to work at the diner until you die. 219 00:24:19,376 --> 00:24:21,543 Grant was just kidding. Right, Grant? 220 00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:26,632 No. 221 00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:29,260 No, no, no! 222 00:24:32,222 --> 00:24:34,015 Mama! 223 00:24:34,182 --> 00:24:36,059 - Mama! - Grandma. 224 00:24:37,978 --> 00:24:39,603 Jinxers. Jinxers, no. 225 00:24:40,981 --> 00:24:42,606 Grandma Jones. Oh, God. 226 00:24:42,773 --> 00:24:44,525 No. Jinxers, stop it. 227 00:24:44,692 --> 00:24:46,277 - Hey! - Jinxers. 228 00:24:46,444 --> 00:24:47,695 - Jinxers, no. - Oh, no, no. 229 00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:49,697 - No. - Jinxers, no. 230 00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:51,490 - Jinxers, no. - Oh, no. 231 00:24:51,657 --> 00:24:52,908 No! 232 00:24:53,076 --> 00:24:54,535 - Get off my mama! - Bad! 233 00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:55,703 Stop humping! 234 00:24:55,869 --> 00:24:57,621 - Bad kitty. - Please. 235 00:24:57,788 --> 00:25:01,418 - Jinxers! No. - I didn't teach him how to do that. 236 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,585 - Jinxers! Bad cat! - God! 237 00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:06,547 Jinxers, no! 238 00:25:08,008 --> 00:25:09,009 Mama! 239 00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:11,510 That was a disaster. 240 00:25:11,677 --> 00:25:13,096 It wasn't that bad. 241 00:25:13,263 --> 00:25:15,681 You desecrated my grandmother's remains... 242 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:17,599 ...and my father hates you. 243 00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:20,478 Why didn't you tell your parents about pastry school? 244 00:25:20,644 --> 00:25:24,274 I'm working my way up to it. I'm just waiting for the right time. 245 00:25:24,441 --> 00:25:26,234 Julia, you're a grown woman. 246 00:25:27,110 --> 00:25:31,406 If you haven't noticed, my family is totally controlling. 247 00:25:31,572 --> 00:25:34,492 They meddle in every aspect of my life. 248 00:25:34,658 --> 00:25:38,620 Not to mention, no one in our family has ever dated outside of our culture. 249 00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:40,123 He reminds me of Webster. 250 00:25:40,290 --> 00:25:44,210 I just don't see how this could work between us. 251 00:25:44,377 --> 00:25:46,046 Look, so your family's difficult. 252 00:25:46,212 --> 00:25:47,921 Whose isn't? 253 00:25:48,089 --> 00:25:51,008 Until I met you, my life was boring. 254 00:25:51,176 --> 00:25:53,844 But you, you're smart... 255 00:25:54,011 --> 00:25:56,347 ...and interesting... 256 00:25:56,514 --> 00:25:58,682 ...and beautiful. 257 00:25:59,392 --> 00:26:01,602 I just want to be with you. 258 00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:05,065 Did you say I was beautiful? 259 00:26:06,274 --> 00:26:07,816 Come with me. 260 00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:10,569 It's just a little Jesus juice. 261 00:26:11,612 --> 00:26:13,406 Where are you taking me? 262 00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:15,657 - What are we...? - You'll see. 263 00:26:29,130 --> 00:26:30,381 Oh, my God. 264 00:26:31,382 --> 00:26:33,468 Oh, my God. 265 00:26:33,634 --> 00:26:34,927 Oh, my God. 266 00:26:38,639 --> 00:26:39,890 Oh, my God. 267 00:26:40,475 --> 00:26:42,810 Julia Jones... 268 00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:44,395 ...will you marry me? 269 00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:49,359 Yes, Grant Fockyerdoder, I will marry you. 270 00:27:01,078 --> 00:27:02,746 How much will you give me for this? 271 00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:05,416 No. No! 272 00:27:12,756 --> 00:27:14,842 - Fifty bucks. - Shit, that's it? 273 00:27:18,221 --> 00:27:20,889 But it will destroy all evil. 274 00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:23,518 Oh, screw off, wizard! 275 00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:33,153 My precious. 276 00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:41,702 Before you set the wedding date... 277 00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:43,413 ...I wanted to meet your parents. 278 00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:47,040 Because, frankly, I don't know much about you. 279 00:27:49,335 --> 00:27:52,172 I understand, homeboy. 280 00:27:57,926 --> 00:28:01,138 I'll be watching you. 281 00:28:01,306 --> 00:28:03,682 If you do anything to corrupt my daughter.... 282 00:28:03,849 --> 00:28:06,269 You'll bring me down to Chinatown? 283 00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:08,020 Chinatown? 284 00:28:08,188 --> 00:28:12,317 I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street. 285 00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:14,860 Bust you in the head with a pipe. 286 00:28:18,406 --> 00:28:19,990 Hi, Little Jack. 287 00:28:20,824 --> 00:28:22,660 How come you have Betty's baby? 288 00:28:22,826 --> 00:28:24,995 She's at a swingers' convention this weekend... 289 00:28:25,162 --> 00:28:28,249 - ...so we said we'd take care of him. - Oh, how nice. 290 00:28:28,416 --> 00:28:32,044 Betty's such a good mother. She's teaching Little Jack sign language. 291 00:28:32,212 --> 00:28:36,965 Oh, I heard about this. Real cutting-edge stuff. 292 00:28:39,260 --> 00:28:42,680 "What happens when the ho doesn't give up all the cash?" 293 00:28:45,891 --> 00:28:49,811 That's right, Little Jack. "Keep your pimp hand strong." 294 00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:53,524 Beeyotch. 295 00:28:53,691 --> 00:28:55,360 His first word! 296 00:28:55,526 --> 00:28:58,779 - Little Jack, what did you say? - Beeyotch. 297 00:29:04,702 --> 00:29:07,204 FOCKYERDODER ISLE 298 00:29:09,957 --> 00:29:11,124 Is that your dad? 299 00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:20,092 Figures. 300 00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:39,778 Grant! 301 00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:41,281 My boy! 302 00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:44,825 It's good to see you. 303 00:29:44,992 --> 00:29:48,036 This is my fiancée, Julia. And her parents, Linda and Frank. 304 00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:50,914 Bernie Fockyerdoder. Pleased to meet all of you. 305 00:29:51,081 --> 00:29:52,709 Frank, give me some sugar. 306 00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:54,585 Put her there! 307 00:29:55,461 --> 00:29:56,671 All right, all right. 308 00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:59,424 - And this must be your little girl. - No, that's my wife. 309 00:29:59,590 --> 00:30:02,217 Wife? So young, so pretty. 310 00:30:02,968 --> 00:30:06,347 And you must be Julia. What a beautiful moment this is. 311 00:30:06,514 --> 00:30:09,891 So beautiful. Just beautiful. 312 00:30:11,561 --> 00:30:13,604 Dad. Dad. 313 00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:16,064 What? We're all family now. 314 00:30:16,231 --> 00:30:17,567 I'll just go get the luggage. 315 00:30:17,734 --> 00:30:19,694 So, what was that you were doing back there? 316 00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:23,406 - I was just practicing Capuerta. - Capa-what? 317 00:30:23,573 --> 00:30:26,409 Capuerta, the Brazilian martial art of dance fighting. 318 00:30:26,576 --> 00:30:28,453 - Beeyotch. - I've been doing it for weeks. 319 00:30:29,995 --> 00:30:31,163 It keeps me level. 320 00:30:34,958 --> 00:30:36,544 Come on, let's go meet Roz. 321 00:30:39,547 --> 00:30:40,673 Roz! 322 00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:43,300 You're going to love her. Everybody, this is Roz. 323 00:30:43,468 --> 00:30:44,594 IDIOT'S Tantric Sex 324 00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:54,936 I've been kvelling to meet this meshuggenah goyim shiksa all day. 325 00:31:01,694 --> 00:31:03,696 So, Grant tells me you're a doctor. 326 00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:05,782 I'm a sex therapist. 327 00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:08,075 I specialize in teenage impotency. 328 00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:10,411 Who's thirsty? 329 00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:14,247 - Mum, no. - Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed... 330 00:31:14,415 --> 00:31:17,292 ...because he lost his virginity to the housekeeper. 331 00:31:23,508 --> 00:31:25,050 Hey, Eduardo. 332 00:31:28,178 --> 00:31:29,680 Hi, Grant. 333 00:31:50,075 --> 00:31:51,828 Thanks, Eduardo. 334 00:31:55,956 --> 00:31:58,291 So is it Harry? 335 00:31:58,459 --> 00:32:00,628 - Is what hairy? - Your name. 336 00:32:00,795 --> 00:32:03,506 - No, no. It's Bernie. - Oh, no, but it is hairy. 337 00:32:03,673 --> 00:32:06,717 - What are you talking about? - Picture this with 4 pounds of hair. 338 00:32:06,884 --> 00:32:07,968 Oh, stop. 339 00:32:08,428 --> 00:32:10,763 So when's the big date? 340 00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,140 Well, we wanted a long engagement... 341 00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:15,518 ...so we're getting married this Sunday. 342 00:32:15,685 --> 00:32:17,728 Oh, hell, no. I'm not paying for that wedding. 343 00:32:17,895 --> 00:32:21,314 Oh, don't have a conniption, bubbelah. We'll pay for it. 344 00:32:21,482 --> 00:32:22,692 Of course. 345 00:32:22,859 --> 00:32:25,820 I got a great wedding planner. You'll meet her tomorrow morning. 346 00:32:25,986 --> 00:32:27,237 Let's have a toast. 347 00:32:27,404 --> 00:32:31,116 To great, big matzo balls. 348 00:32:34,995 --> 00:32:36,371 I couldn't be happier. 349 00:32:37,540 --> 00:32:38,957 Thanks, Dad. 350 00:32:39,124 --> 00:32:41,168 Because Nicky has agreed to marry you. 351 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:55,974 - Nicky. - Yeah. Good job. 352 00:32:56,141 --> 00:32:58,895 Looking good. Nice. 353 00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:05,233 Dad, my whole life I've had this dream... 354 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:09,112 ...that a prince would someday come and rescue me. 355 00:33:09,279 --> 00:33:11,364 Grant is that guy. 356 00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:13,158 He's my prince. 357 00:33:13,868 --> 00:33:16,328 - And he's the one I'm gonna marry. - No. 358 00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:20,165 You'll never marry Grant. I don't trust him. 359 00:33:20,833 --> 00:33:22,042 You'll marry Nicky. 360 00:33:22,209 --> 00:33:26,129 You know, thinking about the honeymoon makes me, like, really horny. 361 00:33:26,296 --> 00:33:27,507 Like, a lot. 362 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,850 Wow, you seem tense. 363 00:33:39,226 --> 00:33:40,393 When was the last time... 364 00:33:40,561 --> 00:33:43,063 - ...you and Frank were intimate? - It's been a while. 365 00:33:47,777 --> 00:33:49,152 It sure has. 366 00:33:50,530 --> 00:33:54,407 - Is that all you got? - Hold on. 367 00:33:55,910 --> 00:33:59,120 - How do you think it's going? - I think it's going really well. 368 00:33:59,287 --> 00:34:00,372 - You do? - Yeah. 369 00:34:00,540 --> 00:34:04,167 Everyone's getting along famously. Even our dads are hitting it off. 370 00:34:05,335 --> 00:34:07,880 Man, you might wanna put your shirt back on. 371 00:34:31,278 --> 00:34:32,487 Man. 372 00:34:48,378 --> 00:34:50,463 The wedding planner will see you now. 373 00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:56,261 I'm Jell-O. 374 00:34:56,971 --> 00:34:59,222 Please, have a seat. 375 00:35:02,517 --> 00:35:06,438 Now, I'm here to plan your dream wedding. 376 00:35:06,606 --> 00:35:08,899 So tell me what you want. 377 00:35:09,066 --> 00:35:11,902 Well, we want a traditional wedding. 378 00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:14,487 Something simple, yet elegant. 379 00:35:14,655 --> 00:35:16,699 Yo, I know exactly the place. 380 00:35:19,326 --> 00:35:20,327 TACO BUTT 381 00:35:20,493 --> 00:35:22,079 Think outside my buns. 382 00:35:22,329 --> 00:35:25,498 It's not quite what we had in mind. 383 00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:27,627 That's the best I can do on short notice. 384 00:35:27,793 --> 00:35:30,587 You gotta book the caterer, pick a piñata... 385 00:35:30,755 --> 00:35:33,758 - ...choose your best man. - I've already taken care of that. 386 00:35:33,924 --> 00:35:36,761 - My best mate, Andy, flew in this morning. - Andy? 387 00:35:36,927 --> 00:35:41,389 Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later. I think you two will hit it off tremendously. 388 00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:42,892 I can't wait. 389 00:35:43,059 --> 00:35:46,561 And I can't wait till you see who I booked for the entertainment. 390 00:36:01,661 --> 00:36:03,079 - No! - No! 391 00:36:10,961 --> 00:36:13,798 So where is this best man of yours? 392 00:36:13,964 --> 00:36:16,383 Andy! 393 00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:30,230 - Andy's not a guy? - A guy? Heavens, no. 394 00:36:48,456 --> 00:36:51,001 It's great we've remained so close... 395 00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:53,586 ...even after the engagement fell through. 396 00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:56,548 You two were engaged? 397 00:37:04,431 --> 00:37:05,515 Ages ago. 398 00:37:07,184 --> 00:37:09,394 It was more physical than anything, really. 399 00:37:15,860 --> 00:37:17,737 Just constant sex. 400 00:37:21,782 --> 00:37:22,825 Sex. 401 00:37:23,826 --> 00:37:25,285 Sex. 402 00:37:26,996 --> 00:37:28,705 Sex. Sex. Sex. 403 00:37:28,873 --> 00:37:30,958 Sex. Sex. Sex. 404 00:37:31,125 --> 00:37:32,918 Sex. Sex. Sex. 405 00:37:40,550 --> 00:37:44,805 So, you realized it just wasn't right? 406 00:37:44,972 --> 00:37:47,557 Well, she realized it wasn't right. 407 00:37:47,724 --> 00:37:49,559 She dumped me. 408 00:37:49,726 --> 00:37:51,603 Just wasn't ready to settle down. 409 00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,585 Why is she in slow motion? 410 00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:17,337 She likes to make an entrance. 411 00:38:19,422 --> 00:38:20,423 Grant! 412 00:38:29,892 --> 00:38:32,352 This is Julia. 413 00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:39,276 Oh, I have heard so much about you. 414 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,905 Now, Grant told me how attractive you were... 415 00:38:43,072 --> 00:38:45,908 ...but he never mentioned you were flat-chested. 416 00:38:46,075 --> 00:38:48,077 How cute. 417 00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:04,927 Excuse me, while I get out of these wet clothes. 418 00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,443 So how did you two meet? 419 00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:24,196 We were in Beverly Hills. 420 00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:25,822 TIFFANY & CO. 421 00:39:25,990 --> 00:39:27,657 GUCCI 422 00:39:27,824 --> 00:39:29,742 BVLGARI 423 00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:32,329 VERSACE LOUIS VUITTON 424 00:39:32,495 --> 00:39:34,039 LV Rodeo Dr 425 00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:05,946 I'll give you $100 for the week. 426 00:40:06,113 --> 00:40:07,488 Sounds quite reasonable. 427 00:40:07,655 --> 00:40:10,993 Okay, this is just too weird. Can we dissolve back now? 428 00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:15,622 And so eventually you got engaged, and then you broke up ages ago. 429 00:40:15,788 --> 00:40:19,209 Sure, if you call three weeks "ages ago." 430 00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:23,047 You were engaged to her three weeks ago? 431 00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:27,800 Honestly, Julia, you have nothing to be jealous about. 432 00:40:28,302 --> 00:40:30,678 Just because I see Grant with another woman... 433 00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:33,182 ...doesn't mean I want him back. 434 00:40:47,321 --> 00:40:48,322 Finger sandwich? 435 00:40:50,657 --> 00:40:53,035 Okay, I'll go first. 436 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:56,537 Let me say, we don't really need to be here. 437 00:40:56,704 --> 00:41:00,000 - See, we've been dating for five days. - Six. 438 00:41:00,167 --> 00:41:02,752 Five, six days. 439 00:41:03,087 --> 00:41:04,964 And this is like a check-up for us. 440 00:41:05,130 --> 00:41:08,050 There's this huge space between us... 441 00:41:08,217 --> 00:41:12,012 ...and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. 442 00:41:15,099 --> 00:41:16,599 How honest are you with him? 443 00:41:17,725 --> 00:41:19,477 Pretty honest. 444 00:41:19,644 --> 00:41:22,605 I mean, it's not like I lie to him or anything. 445 00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:25,401 I just.... 446 00:41:27,319 --> 00:41:30,072 I mean, I have little secrets. 447 00:41:30,239 --> 00:41:32,532 Everyone has secrets. 448 00:41:34,034 --> 00:41:36,161 I have hepatitis C. 449 00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:44,585 How does that make you feel? 450 00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:48,589 I'm not sure, really. 451 00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:53,720 Let me clarify. I love Julia. 452 00:41:53,886 --> 00:41:58,142 I want her to be happy. 453 00:41:58,308 --> 00:42:01,061 I want good things for her. 454 00:42:01,853 --> 00:42:03,938 But there are times.... 455 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:22,041 You know? 456 00:42:22,207 --> 00:42:25,127 When she's sleeping, just take a pillow and.... 457 00:42:38,140 --> 00:42:39,141 BEST BRIDE 458 00:42:39,308 --> 00:42:45,355 - Thanks for helping me pick out my dress. - To be honest, I was surprised you called. 459 00:42:45,522 --> 00:42:47,607 Well, you're a part of Grant's life. 460 00:42:47,774 --> 00:42:50,985 And that means you're a part of my life too. 461 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:55,240 You look like a princess. 462 00:43:00,703 --> 00:43:03,082 You don't think it's a bit too much? 463 00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:05,084 Oh, not at all. 464 00:43:05,250 --> 00:43:07,503 I'll go get some pins to fit it. 465 00:43:35,322 --> 00:43:38,200 Why do you insist on dressing me in these fruity outfits? 466 00:43:38,367 --> 00:43:40,910 I'm gonna take this lollipop and shove it up your ass. 467 00:43:42,496 --> 00:43:44,664 I can hear everyone's thoughts! 468 00:43:44,831 --> 00:43:48,042 I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy. 469 00:43:48,544 --> 00:43:52,088 It's like I'm trapped in a bad Mel Gibson movie. 470 00:43:52,256 --> 00:43:56,552 What the hell was I thinking? He's a freaking backup dancer. 471 00:43:57,093 --> 00:43:59,555 Dude, I married Britney Spears. 472 00:44:00,472 --> 00:44:01,557 I'm rich! 473 00:44:01,722 --> 00:44:05,101 I'm rich, beeyotch! Rich! 474 00:44:05,269 --> 00:44:07,019 Is the bride-to-be ready? 475 00:44:07,187 --> 00:44:09,105 Bride-to-be? Shit. 476 00:44:09,273 --> 00:44:10,773 Not if I can help it. 477 00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:13,776 I've got 24 hours to break up this wedding. 478 00:44:13,943 --> 00:44:15,027 No. 479 00:44:15,195 --> 00:44:16,196 Yes. 480 00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:20,159 I'll turn Grant against you and make him love me again. 481 00:44:20,325 --> 00:44:22,578 Me, me, me! 482 00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:24,745 Stay away from me. 483 00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:55,044 What is it now? 484 00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:59,799 Grant's got an ex-fiancée. And she has a thing for him, I just know it. 485 00:45:59,966 --> 00:46:02,511 And they have this long, romantic history. 486 00:46:03,303 --> 00:46:05,846 How can I measure up to that? 487 00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,866 Skimpy Bikini Illustrated The Swimsuit Issue That Self Combusts 488 00:46:07,890 --> 00:46:09,643 You can't. She's fine as hell. 489 00:46:11,102 --> 00:46:12,937 I would tear that shit up! 490 00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:17,317 You know, everything was going so well until she turns up. 491 00:46:17,484 --> 00:46:20,404 Look, he's not with Andy anymore. He's with you. 492 00:46:20,570 --> 00:46:23,864 You gotta put aside your insecurities. It'll all work out. 493 00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:27,286 - Do you really believe that? - No. But my white customers do. 494 00:46:31,665 --> 00:46:33,916 Look, I believe in you and Grant. 495 00:46:34,083 --> 00:46:37,169 And before you know it, you'll be walking down the aisle. 496 00:46:37,421 --> 00:46:39,631 And saying our vows. 497 00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:42,008 And our first dance. 498 00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:44,927 Starting the fire. Starting the fire. Starting the fire. 499 00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:48,055 The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. 500 00:46:48,222 --> 00:46:49,890 Throw it away. Throw it away. 501 00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:51,518 You call that dancing? 502 00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:53,603 No. 503 00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:58,816 You see this? This is where you live, right here. 504 00:46:58,983 --> 00:47:00,985 This is your home. 505 00:47:01,570 --> 00:47:03,154 Well, how about this? 506 00:47:11,203 --> 00:47:12,872 That bitch be krumping! 507 00:47:33,059 --> 00:47:34,353 It's okay. 508 00:47:34,519 --> 00:47:37,146 It's okay. She's never gonna break us up. 509 00:47:37,313 --> 00:47:40,359 Grant and I just have to get through the rehearsal dinner... 510 00:47:40,525 --> 00:47:43,277 ...and then tomorrow's the big day. 511 00:47:43,445 --> 00:47:47,699 Once we're married, everything will be perfect. 512 00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:48,949 Who are you kidding? 513 00:47:50,910 --> 00:47:54,038 Grant's never gonna marry you. You're not good enough. 514 00:47:54,205 --> 00:47:56,165 He's meant to be with Andy. 515 00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:58,377 - Don't say that! - This is who you really are. 516 00:47:58,543 --> 00:48:01,212 Worst Foods Mayonnaise 517 00:48:01,380 --> 00:48:03,130 You're a frump girl. 518 00:48:03,673 --> 00:48:07,636 You may look different, but inside you'll always be me. 519 00:48:07,803 --> 00:48:09,513 No, please, stop. 520 00:48:10,179 --> 00:48:13,307 You'll be stuck in that diner till the end of time. 521 00:48:14,100 --> 00:48:16,102 I don't believe you. 522 00:48:18,354 --> 00:48:19,856 True love is a myth. 523 00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:22,066 You better hurry up and marry Nicky... 524 00:48:22,233 --> 00:48:24,653 ...before you end up a fat, dusty old maid. 525 00:48:24,820 --> 00:48:25,986 Never! 526 00:48:26,153 --> 00:48:27,447 You'll see. 527 00:48:32,284 --> 00:48:34,454 GREEK DINER 528 00:48:36,581 --> 00:48:38,165 Quiet, everyone. Quiet. 529 00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:40,334 Roz has a few words to say. 530 00:48:40,502 --> 00:48:43,170 Oh, thank you, hon. 531 00:48:45,841 --> 00:48:48,217 I would like to make a toast. 532 00:48:48,718 --> 00:48:50,637 To Grant and Julia. 533 00:48:51,345 --> 00:48:53,807 Yeah! What? 534 00:48:53,973 --> 00:48:56,852 Okay! Get crunk! 535 00:48:57,017 --> 00:48:58,437 Get crunked! 536 00:49:20,374 --> 00:49:21,375 You like it? 537 00:49:22,544 --> 00:49:25,212 You look ravishing. 538 00:49:27,507 --> 00:49:29,468 What? What's wrong? 539 00:49:30,176 --> 00:49:35,431 Grant, your whole courtship has been rocky to say the least. 540 00:49:36,683 --> 00:49:41,061 I just hope you're not rushing into this marriage with Julia... 541 00:49:41,771 --> 00:49:44,691 ...as a way of getting over me. 542 00:49:45,357 --> 00:49:46,651 I.... 543 00:50:04,251 --> 00:50:06,003 Oh, dear God. 544 00:50:06,462 --> 00:50:07,463 A carousel. 545 00:50:11,050 --> 00:50:13,385 I.... I better get back. 546 00:50:22,102 --> 00:50:25,397 Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner. 547 00:50:25,565 --> 00:50:27,692 We're getting married tomorrow. 548 00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:32,614 I need to know, do you still have feelings for Andy? 549 00:50:33,657 --> 00:50:35,032 Of course not. 550 00:50:36,283 --> 00:50:37,744 I trust you. 551 00:50:37,911 --> 00:50:39,913 I just don't want to get hurt. 552 00:50:40,580 --> 00:50:42,289 You have nothing to worry about. 553 00:50:43,332 --> 00:50:45,042 I'm devoted to you. 554 00:50:45,835 --> 00:50:46,962 Forever. 555 00:50:48,462 --> 00:50:51,382 The moment I saw you 556 00:50:52,968 --> 00:50:56,596 Before I proposed to you 557 00:50:57,513 --> 00:51:00,559 We said a little prayer for you 558 00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:05,187 While combing my hair now 559 00:51:05,354 --> 00:51:08,692 You're wondering what's Under my dress now 560 00:51:08,858 --> 00:51:12,236 - We said a little prayer for you - We said a little prayer for you 561 00:51:12,403 --> 00:51:15,197 Forever, forever He gives you his heart 562 00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:16,490 And he loves you 563 00:51:16,658 --> 00:51:19,285 Forever and ever You'll never break up 564 00:51:19,451 --> 00:51:20,536 Divorce will cost you 565 00:51:20,704 --> 00:51:23,372 Together, together That's how it must be 566 00:51:23,539 --> 00:51:24,540 For this love story 567 00:51:24,708 --> 00:51:28,252 Screw Grant She must marry Nicky 568 00:51:30,379 --> 00:51:33,883 I really do love you, dear 569 00:51:34,050 --> 00:51:37,261 But Andy keeps whispering in his ear 570 00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:39,764 We'll say a little prayer for you 571 00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:43,810 Grant and I will get hitched 572 00:51:44,518 --> 00:51:47,897 If we survive my family And that scheming bitch 573 00:51:48,064 --> 00:51:51,150 We'll say a little prayer for you 574 00:51:51,317 --> 00:51:54,153 Forever, forever He gives you his heart 575 00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:55,614 And he loves you 576 00:51:55,780 --> 00:51:58,365 Forever and ever You'll never break up 577 00:51:58,532 --> 00:51:59,868 Divorce will cost you 578 00:52:00,035 --> 00:52:02,411 Together, together That's how it must be 579 00:52:02,578 --> 00:52:03,705 For this love story 580 00:52:03,872 --> 00:52:07,667 I have one night to stop this wedding 581 00:52:09,501 --> 00:52:11,713 My daughter get busy 582 00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:12,964 - Get busy - Get busy 583 00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:16,425 Just back that thing up 584 00:52:16,592 --> 00:52:19,721 He'll be true 585 00:52:19,888 --> 00:52:21,180 Please, love me too 586 00:52:21,347 --> 00:52:22,849 Answer his prayers 587 00:52:23,016 --> 00:52:25,018 Try position 22 588 00:52:25,184 --> 00:52:27,269 Getting your swerve on, baby 589 00:52:28,063 --> 00:52:29,480 Answer his prayers 590 00:52:29,648 --> 00:52:32,274 Forever, forever He gives you his heart 591 00:52:32,441 --> 00:52:33,525 And he loves you 592 00:52:33,693 --> 00:52:36,403 Forever and ever You'll never break up 593 00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:37,864 Divorce will cost you 594 00:52:38,031 --> 00:52:40,532 Together, together That's how it must be 595 00:52:40,700 --> 00:52:41,993 For this love story 596 00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:46,455 Will the ending be good or crappy? 597 00:53:06,433 --> 00:53:07,894 No! 598 00:53:08,061 --> 00:53:11,230 Not a zit on my wedding day. 599 00:53:11,397 --> 00:53:12,982 No. 600 00:53:35,254 --> 00:53:37,506 Saint Sophia Community Church JONES FOCKYERDODER WEDDING 601 00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:39,884 Where the hell is Julia? 602 00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:41,635 SHE'S LATE 603 00:53:41,803 --> 00:53:46,390 Grant, I wouldn't be your best man unless I told you this. 604 00:53:47,142 --> 00:53:49,018 Julia doesn't deserve you. 605 00:53:50,103 --> 00:53:51,478 Oh, come on. 606 00:53:51,645 --> 00:53:53,522 She's an hour late for her own wedding. 607 00:53:54,606 --> 00:53:58,111 Maybe she's got cold feet because she knows it's not right between you two. 608 00:54:01,488 --> 00:54:03,199 Do you ever think about us? 609 00:54:04,159 --> 00:54:07,120 - Yeah. - Me too. 610 00:54:10,957 --> 00:54:12,208 My grandmother's ring. 611 00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:15,211 She gave you this ring on her deathbed and made you promise... 612 00:54:15,377 --> 00:54:18,840 ...to give it to the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. 613 00:54:19,007 --> 00:54:20,466 You gave it to me. 614 00:54:25,221 --> 00:54:26,722 My grandfather's toe ring. 615 00:54:26,890 --> 00:54:29,225 And didn't he give you this ring on his deathbed... 616 00:54:29,391 --> 00:54:33,021 ...and make you promise to give it to the woman you'd cherish forever? 617 00:54:34,105 --> 00:54:36,983 You gave that to me too. 618 00:54:38,109 --> 00:54:39,443 Julia... 619 00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:42,362 She's just the rebound girl. 620 00:54:42,529 --> 00:54:46,325 I'm ready to take you back. Choose me. Marry me. 621 00:54:47,743 --> 00:54:52,331 Andy, I just don't feel the same way about you anymore. 622 00:54:52,498 --> 00:54:53,582 Julia's the one. 623 00:54:55,877 --> 00:54:58,295 Then one last kiss. 624 00:55:08,764 --> 00:55:10,016 Julia, no. 625 00:55:21,443 --> 00:55:22,653 Julia Please Take me back! 626 00:55:24,530 --> 00:55:26,448 I FXXXED UP BIG TIME 627 00:55:28,076 --> 00:55:29,701 I'M A JERK 628 00:55:32,538 --> 00:55:34,165 ...A REAL ASSHOLE... 629 00:56:18,918 --> 00:56:21,837 Shut up! It's 4 in the morning! 630 00:56:22,005 --> 00:56:23,797 Asshole! 631 00:56:24,340 --> 00:56:26,758 Turn that crap off! 632 00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:37,686 I'm trying to watch Desperate Housewives. 633 00:56:39,022 --> 00:56:41,607 It's called an iPod, get one! 634 00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:52,534 Lonely Woman Dinner 635 00:57:19,603 --> 00:57:20,939 Jinxers? 636 00:57:43,669 --> 00:57:44,670 DINER 637 00:57:44,836 --> 00:57:46,381 Julia. 638 00:57:51,302 --> 00:57:53,762 Let's get you out of that funk. 639 00:58:06,692 --> 00:58:11,406 Julia, will you marry me? 640 00:58:15,159 --> 00:58:16,411 Please? 641 00:58:20,664 --> 00:58:23,209 - That was good, right? - Yeah. 642 00:58:24,127 --> 00:58:26,503 I know Nicky's a little rough around the edges... 643 00:58:27,171 --> 00:58:29,465 ...but give him a chance. 644 00:58:30,966 --> 00:58:34,553 You know, when your mother and I first got married we barely knew each other. 645 00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,431 I was a mail-order bride... 646 00:58:36,596 --> 00:58:38,598 ...could barely speak the English language. 647 00:58:39,225 --> 00:58:42,478 - Dad, you're from Jersey. - I'm trying to make a point here. 648 00:58:43,062 --> 00:58:45,314 At first, Linda and I couldn't get along. 649 00:58:45,481 --> 00:58:49,027 But we grew to understand and even respect each other. 650 00:58:49,901 --> 00:58:52,488 I'm proud to say we've been married for 30 years... 651 00:58:52,654 --> 00:58:56,575 ...and I have you and your sister to show for it. 652 00:58:57,243 --> 00:59:00,413 Now, maybe that's not the fairy tale you dream of... 653 00:59:00,579 --> 00:59:02,664 ...but that's real life. 654 00:59:03,374 --> 00:59:04,624 So, what do you say? 655 00:59:07,836 --> 00:59:10,714 I've been fooling myself all along. 656 00:59:10,881 --> 00:59:13,426 There is no Prince Charming. 657 00:59:14,052 --> 00:59:18,473 And true love is something that only exists in the movies. 658 00:59:21,850 --> 00:59:23,643 Okay, Dad. 659 00:59:23,810 --> 00:59:25,188 I'll marry Nicky. 660 00:59:27,731 --> 00:59:28,899 Back to work. 661 00:59:32,320 --> 00:59:35,030 JUSTICE OF THE PEACE 662 00:59:51,297 --> 00:59:52,298 You're crying. 663 00:59:54,175 --> 00:59:56,676 Tears of joy, Dad. 664 01:00:02,808 --> 01:00:05,269 Thanks, Frank. I'll take it from here. 665 01:00:07,938 --> 01:00:10,274 We are gathered here to join this man... 666 01:00:10,441 --> 01:00:13,652 ...and this woman in holy matrimony. 667 01:00:14,195 --> 01:00:18,199 Marriage is a contract that should not be taken lightly. 668 01:00:18,366 --> 01:00:22,828 It must be honored by two people who are truly in love. 669 01:01:08,166 --> 01:01:09,791 DA SHIZNIT 670 01:01:26,016 --> 01:01:29,312 If anyone has any reason why these two should not be married... 671 01:01:29,478 --> 01:01:32,814 ...speak now or forever hold your peace. 672 01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:46,119 - I object. - Thank God. 673 01:01:50,999 --> 01:01:53,336 This isn't what you wanted. 674 01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:55,296 It's what I wanted. 675 01:01:56,796 --> 01:01:59,675 I was wrong about Grant. He's a good man. 676 01:01:59,841 --> 01:02:02,177 He even liked you when you were butt-ugly. 677 01:02:02,345 --> 01:02:04,347 - How do you...? - I saw it in your flashback. 678 01:02:04,513 --> 01:02:06,890 You and Grant were meant to be together. 679 01:02:07,057 --> 01:02:08,850 I don't know. 680 01:02:09,017 --> 01:02:10,394 You need to read this. 681 01:02:13,730 --> 01:02:15,065 How to Lose a Girl in 10 Days 682 01:02:15,233 --> 01:02:16,567 My darling Julia, I'm sorry. 683 01:02:16,733 --> 01:02:18,611 So sorry. 684 01:02:18,777 --> 01:02:21,489 So very, very sorry. 685 01:02:22,365 --> 01:02:25,075 And yet "sorry" seems to be the hardest word to say. 686 01:02:25,992 --> 01:02:29,497 If you can ever forgive me, and you're ready to make that leap... 687 01:02:29,664 --> 01:02:32,458 ...I promise I'll be there to catch you. 688 01:02:32,625 --> 01:02:35,001 If you still love me the way I love you... 689 01:02:35,168 --> 01:02:38,381 ...then meet me where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks. 690 01:02:38,547 --> 01:02:39,881 On the Internet? 691 01:02:40,048 --> 01:02:42,759 No, not in You've Got Mail, in Sleepless in Seattle. 692 01:02:43,678 --> 01:02:47,806 Right. The observation deck of the Empire State Building. 693 01:02:47,973 --> 01:02:49,224 But how do I get there? 694 01:02:49,392 --> 01:02:52,436 I'll MapQuest directions and IM it to your BlackBerry. 695 01:02:52,603 --> 01:02:55,564 But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick. 696 01:02:55,731 --> 01:02:57,608 You can borrow my Treo 650. 697 01:02:59,943 --> 01:03:02,488 How about we just meet where we had our first date? 698 01:03:02,655 --> 01:03:04,239 A Restaurant? 699 01:03:04,407 --> 01:03:06,742 But that's way uptown. Traffic's a nightmare. 700 01:03:07,867 --> 01:03:09,828 The rooftop of your apartment building? 701 01:03:09,995 --> 01:03:11,955 Okay, great. 702 01:03:13,081 --> 01:03:14,958 This issue's six months old. 703 01:03:15,125 --> 01:03:16,669 I hope he's still waiting. 704 01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:18,920 He'd be a fool not to wait for my daughter. 705 01:03:19,087 --> 01:03:22,257 - Go get him, baby. - Thanks, Dad. 706 01:03:44,237 --> 01:03:46,031 Taxi, taxi! 707 01:03:46,197 --> 01:03:47,198 Taxi! 708 01:03:50,952 --> 01:03:52,747 GIVE UP HONEY... SHE AIN'T COMING! 709 01:03:53,121 --> 01:03:54,831 Let's go, someone! 710 01:03:54,998 --> 01:03:55,999 Someone, please help! 711 01:03:56,166 --> 01:03:58,627 Trick, you getting on my nerves. 712 01:03:58,794 --> 01:04:00,588 I need to get across town fast. 713 01:04:09,971 --> 01:04:11,056 I owe you. 714 01:04:11,222 --> 01:04:13,892 Damn straight! I'm Hitch, bitch. 715 01:04:49,928 --> 01:04:52,138 Come on. Open up. 716 01:05:00,523 --> 01:05:01,816 Please. 717 01:05:01,981 --> 01:05:04,150 Oh, please. 718 01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,527 He's mine! 719 01:05:47,778 --> 01:05:49,946 Keep your damn hands off my man. 720 01:06:17,390 --> 01:06:18,975 I'm too late. 721 01:06:20,351 --> 01:06:21,896 Julia! 722 01:06:35,534 --> 01:06:38,119 What happens after the prince rescues the princess? 723 01:06:38,787 --> 01:06:41,206 She rescues him right back. 724 01:06:42,123 --> 01:06:44,668 You make me want to be a better man. 725 01:06:45,961 --> 01:06:47,922 You had me at hello. 726 01:06:48,631 --> 01:06:52,968 I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy... 727 01:06:53,134 --> 01:06:55,971 ...asking him to love her. 728 01:07:36,302 --> 01:07:39,430 What? I'm also an ordained minister. 729 01:07:46,689 --> 01:07:50,985 By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. 730 01:07:51,150 --> 01:07:52,778 Show her some love, man. 731 01:08:13,882 --> 01:08:15,593 Bravo! 732 01:08:41,994 --> 01:08:43,578 Julia. 733 01:08:44,245 --> 01:08:46,164 This is for you. 734 01:08:50,669 --> 01:08:52,963 It's a vaginal thermometer. 735 01:08:54,464 --> 01:08:57,175 It lets you know when you're ovulating. 736 01:08:57,342 --> 01:08:59,344 It's been in our family for generations. 737 01:08:59,510 --> 01:09:02,848 And if you want to keep it our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it. 738 01:09:09,187 --> 01:09:10,521 - Julia. - Dad. 739 01:09:13,441 --> 01:09:15,986 You're gonna have to find a new waitress. 740 01:09:16,945 --> 01:09:18,363 It's about time. 741 01:09:25,120 --> 01:09:26,454 Come here. 742 01:09:28,916 --> 01:09:30,249 Hey. 743 01:09:31,126 --> 01:09:32,920 Take care of my daughter. 744 01:09:35,505 --> 01:09:37,507 All right. 745 01:09:37,675 --> 01:09:40,928 Goodbye! Best of luck. 746 01:09:52,690 --> 01:09:55,984 Hey, is it too late to crash the Fockyerdoder wedding? 747 01:09:57,360 --> 01:09:58,361 Bye. 748 01:09:58,528 --> 01:10:01,280 And we lived happily ever after. 749 01:10:01,447 --> 01:10:02,448 JULIA JONES'S Diary 750 01:10:02,615 --> 01:10:06,161 But not before we went on our honeymoon to romantic Kong Island. 751 01:10:21,384 --> 01:10:24,847 Help! Please, help me! 752 01:10:32,896 --> 01:10:34,313 Help! 753 01:10:34,480 --> 01:10:36,482 Keep the camera rolling. 754 01:10:36,649 --> 01:10:38,484 Oh, God. 755 01:10:38,651 --> 01:10:42,072 Help! Please. 756 01:10:44,783 --> 01:10:47,493 No. No. 757 01:10:53,291 --> 01:10:54,667 Carmen Electra. 758 01:10:54,835 --> 01:10:58,005 Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! 759 01:10:58,172 --> 01:11:01,591 Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! 760 01:11:01,759 --> 01:11:04,178 That feels kind of good. 761 01:11:04,343 --> 01:11:06,013 A little kinky. 762 01:11:08,056 --> 01:11:10,768 Oh, yeah. 763 01:11:11,852 --> 01:11:13,728 BIG ASS DRINK 764 01:11:14,729 --> 01:11:16,272 I like hairy boys. 765 01:11:40,713 --> 01:11:42,925 Yes! Yes! 766 01:11:45,760 --> 01:11:46,845 Yes! 767 01:11:47,012 --> 01:11:48,304 Yes! 768 01:11:48,471 --> 01:11:49,764 Beautiful. 769 01:11:49,932 --> 01:11:51,225 Yes, drink it. 770 01:11:51,390 --> 01:11:53,936 Tell you, you're gonna love that. 771 01:11:54,102 --> 01:11:56,980 Is that Cos' hand on your booty? 772 01:12:01,860 --> 01:12:03,444 Cut it. 773 01:12:05,239 --> 01:12:07,074 I'm kind of an amateur tennis player... 774 01:12:07,241 --> 01:12:09,742 ...and I was playing and it was a drizzly day... 775 01:12:09,910 --> 01:12:13,831 ...and Roz came down and volunteered to hold my balls and keep them dry. 776 01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:15,790 - His balls... - We got rained out anyway. 777 01:12:15,958 --> 01:12:18,919 His balls are always wet, whether it's raining or not. 778 01:12:30,680 --> 01:12:33,474 Hey, is it too late for one more parody? 779 01:12:34,935 --> 01:12:40,107 It's on the Hudson with breathtaking views of the skyline. 780 01:12:41,816 --> 01:12:43,693 Yeah! What? 781 01:12:43,861 --> 01:12:45,279 Okay! 782 01:12:45,444 --> 01:12:46,737 Get crunk! 783 01:12:46,905 --> 01:12:49,532 We say a little prayer for you. 784 01:13:18,353 --> 01:13:19,520 Infantilism. 785 01:14:36,514 --> 01:14:38,808 How often do you have sex? 786 01:14:39,351 --> 01:14:41,144 I don't understand the question. 787 01:14:41,311 --> 01:14:43,562 I mean, it's a PG-13 movie. 788 01:14:43,729 --> 01:14:47,317 We're limited to very mild sexual content. 789 01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:49,819 Above the waist... 790 01:14:50,653 --> 01:14:54,449 - ...over the shirts, no tongues. - No tongue. 791 01:14:54,615 --> 01:14:56,742 How about this week? 792 01:14:59,537 --> 01:15:01,081 A hundred and twenty-seven.