1 00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:40,685 Subtitles by subratx265 2 00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,198 I could push you, if you want. 3 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,800 Jesus Fuck! 4 00:01:33,698 --> 00:01:34,531 You should be careful. 5 00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:35,600 You could kill yourself. 6 00:01:37,299 --> 00:01:38,133 Can I watch? 7 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:40,697 You can't stop me. 8 00:01:40,699 --> 00:01:41,967 No I wouldn't try. 9 00:01:44,532 --> 00:01:46,563 Can I ask why you're doing this? 10 00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,564 I mean jumping off a bridge? 11 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:51,696 Look, I don't mean to be rude, 12 00:01:51,698 --> 00:01:53,166 but could you, you know... 13 00:01:54,299 --> 00:01:55,664 Oh, sure, sure. 14 00:01:55,666 --> 00:01:56,600 Yes, yes. 15 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,499 Are you going to be long? 16 00:02:15,532 --> 00:02:16,163 Duh! 17 00:02:16,165 --> 00:02:17,564 You've ruined the mood. 18 00:02:17,566 --> 00:02:19,164 I'm here to help you. 19 00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:21,898 You can help me by leaving me alone. 20 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:22,831 Sure? 21 00:02:22,833 --> 00:02:23,699 I could make this much easier. 22 00:02:24,899 --> 00:02:25,732 No? 23 00:02:26,832 --> 00:02:29,597 Well, it's your death. 24 00:02:29,599 --> 00:02:31,201 Here, I've got a card. 25 00:02:32,866 --> 00:02:33,700 There you are. 26 00:02:35,132 --> 00:02:36,165 If you need any help. 27 00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:40,596 Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, 28 00:02:40,598 --> 00:02:41,233 but 29 00:02:43,699 --> 00:02:44,599 I'm past help. 30 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:47,600 Yes, well, 31 00:02:49,832 --> 00:02:50,666 good luck. 32 00:03:21,099 --> 00:03:25,466 (dramatic orchestral music rising 33 00:03:43,065 --> 00:03:43,900 Hell. 34 00:03:52,865 --> 00:03:54,700 And you didn't look down? 35 00:03:55,732 --> 00:03:56,866 I had my eyes shut. 36 00:03:58,066 --> 00:04:00,967 In a way you're very unlucky. 37 00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:04,566 And what prompted this time? 38 00:04:06,065 --> 00:04:07,763 Must be something. 39 00:04:07,765 --> 00:04:08,699 You can tell me. 40 00:04:10,232 --> 00:04:11,963 Our lives are a futile struggle 41 00:04:11,965 --> 00:04:14,233 to make sense of the senseless. 42 00:04:15,133 --> 00:04:16,100 Oh William. 43 00:04:17,666 --> 00:04:19,596 You can see my predicament. 44 00:04:20,733 --> 00:04:22,897 One of my lifeguards is suicidal. 45 00:04:22,899 --> 00:04:24,467 That's hardly reassuring. 46 00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:28,199 I'm really trying to understand William- 47 00:04:32,798 --> 00:04:34,964 you're not the only one with problems you know. 48 00:04:34,966 --> 00:04:37,630 Yeah, the world is shit. 49 00:04:37,632 --> 00:04:39,229 But if you stare all day at the shit 50 00:04:39,231 --> 00:04:42,033 then there's no wonder you can only see shit. 51 00:04:43,265 --> 00:04:44,563 The trick is to find something 52 00:04:44,565 --> 00:04:45,866 that makes it appear bearable. 53 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,196 You've got the gun in your mouth, 54 00:04:48,198 --> 00:04:50,564 your finger on the trigger but you think, 55 00:04:50,566 --> 00:04:51,666 "I've never eaten a Twix." 56 00:04:55,633 --> 00:04:56,563 What? 57 00:04:56,565 --> 00:04:57,497 It's about finding something 58 00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:59,466 to distract you from the terrible reality. 59 00:05:00,799 --> 00:05:02,263 Like this job. 60 00:05:02,265 --> 00:05:03,664 I work in a leisure center. 61 00:05:03,666 --> 00:05:05,664 You're a lifeguard! 62 00:05:05,666 --> 00:05:08,596 What could be more important than saving people's lives? 63 00:05:08,598 --> 00:05:10,531 But when did I last save someone? 64 00:05:10,533 --> 00:05:11,163 Last year. 65 00:05:11,165 --> 00:05:12,098 Mrs Richards. 66 00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:13,663 She was in the shallow end. 67 00:05:13,665 --> 00:05:15,131 She was in distress. 68 00:05:15,133 --> 00:05:16,596 She could put her feet down. 69 00:05:16,598 --> 00:05:17,731 But she didn't. 70 00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:20,233 She was panicking and you saved her. 71 00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:24,900 That's the problem, William. 72 00:05:26,232 --> 00:05:28,133 Besides your questionable attitude, 73 00:05:30,566 --> 00:05:31,767 you need to be here! 74 00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:36,700 I don't think you're suited to this profession. 75 00:05:38,532 --> 00:05:39,632 We have to let you go. 76 00:05:41,298 --> 00:05:42,766 Think of this as a good thing. 77 00:05:43,832 --> 00:05:45,766 Now you can concentrate on your writing. 78 00:07:33,698 --> 00:07:34,830 Thank you for calling 79 00:07:34,832 --> 00:07:37,664 NRG gas and electrical supplies. 80 00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:40,596 If you've been disconnected due to an unpaid bill, 81 00:07:40,598 --> 00:07:41,563 please press one. 82 00:07:42,199 --> 00:07:43,500 Yes, I was away. 83 00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:47,699 No I was hoping it would be permanent. 84 00:07:48,933 --> 00:07:50,467 No I wasn't trying... 85 00:08:55,031 --> 00:08:56,564 Mr O'Neil? 86 00:09:06,198 --> 00:09:07,697 Mr O'Neil? 87 00:09:07,699 --> 00:09:09,663 I said 11 o'clock. 88 00:09:09,665 --> 00:09:12,166 It is now seven minutes past. 89 00:09:13,998 --> 00:09:14,831 Yes. 90 00:09:14,833 --> 00:09:15,665 Sorry. 91 00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:20,196 You said we could discuss some options... 92 00:09:20,198 --> 00:09:22,197 I said we should meet at 11. 93 00:09:22,199 --> 00:09:25,196 I dare say it's that casual attitude 94 00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:28,065 to arrangements that has led to your current predicament. 95 00:09:31,699 --> 00:09:32,764 Tea? 96 00:09:32,766 --> 00:09:33,596 Sorry. 97 00:09:33,598 --> 00:09:35,162 Yes, thank you. 98 00:09:35,164 --> 00:09:37,566 Sorry, you're not what I imagined. 99 00:09:40,566 --> 00:09:41,834 Meet many assassins do you? 100 00:09:43,632 --> 00:09:46,631 It's just I never pictured a polo neck. 101 00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:47,897 What's wrong with a polo neck? 102 00:09:47,899 --> 00:09:49,196 My wife got it for me. 103 00:09:49,198 --> 00:09:50,631 What should I be wearing? 104 00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:51,664 I don't know. 105 00:09:51,666 --> 00:09:52,297 A cardigan? 106 00:09:52,299 --> 00:09:53,229 No! 107 00:09:53,231 --> 00:09:54,165 Hitmen don't wear cardigans! 108 00:09:55,365 --> 00:09:58,632 Well I'm so sorry I'm not living up to your expectations. 109 00:10:04,798 --> 00:10:07,532 Are you sure you're up to this? 110 00:10:10,099 --> 00:10:11,500 Let me tell you something. 111 00:10:12,932 --> 00:10:15,664 I've killed more people than you've had hot baths. 112 00:10:15,666 --> 00:10:17,297 I'm the angel of death. 113 00:10:17,299 --> 00:10:19,597 I'm Abbadon the destroyer. 114 00:10:19,599 --> 00:10:21,530 I'm a one man euthanasia clinic. 115 00:10:21,532 --> 00:10:25,032 Only with me you don't have to go to Switzerland. 116 00:10:26,565 --> 00:10:28,730 Ever been to Switzerland? 117 00:10:28,732 --> 00:10:29,664 No. 118 00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:31,596 And now you never will. 119 00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:32,930 If you're serious. 120 00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:33,763 I'm serious. 121 00:10:33,765 --> 00:10:34,996 How serious? 122 00:10:34,998 --> 00:10:37,631 Serious enough to phone an assassin. 123 00:10:37,633 --> 00:10:38,862 That serious enough? 124 00:10:38,864 --> 00:10:40,663 How do I know you are really serious 125 00:10:40,665 --> 00:10:43,263 and not just saying you're really serious? 126 00:10:43,265 --> 00:10:47,098 When we met, on the bridge, that wasn't my first time. 127 00:10:48,199 --> 00:10:49,597 Go on. 128 00:10:49,599 --> 00:10:51,162 That was the seventh. 129 00:10:51,164 --> 00:10:52,631 Tenth if you count the cries for help. 130 00:10:54,565 --> 00:10:55,963 I tried hanging, 131 00:10:59,899 --> 00:11:00,897 gassing, 132 00:11:08,065 --> 00:11:09,533 booze and pills, 133 00:11:15,732 --> 00:11:16,732 electrocution. 134 00:11:21,065 --> 00:11:23,297 Oh, and I waked into a main road. 135 00:11:23,299 --> 00:11:24,830 How did you survive that? 136 00:11:24,832 --> 00:11:26,531 I was hit by an ambulance. 137 00:11:26,533 --> 00:11:28,062 You couldn't be in better hands. 138 00:11:28,064 --> 00:11:28,997 Great. 139 00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:31,162 Oh, Jesus Christ. 140 00:11:31,164 --> 00:11:32,466 You really do need me. 141 00:11:33,832 --> 00:11:35,896 I started to worry that I might be immortal. 142 00:11:35,898 --> 00:11:38,599 I've never met anyone I couldn't kill. 143 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,467 Actually I wrote a book on the topic. 144 00:11:43,532 --> 00:11:44,896 My Many Deaths. 145 00:11:44,898 --> 00:11:46,862 It's unpublished. 146 00:11:46,864 --> 00:11:49,532 Okay, so how do you want this to happen? 147 00:11:50,733 --> 00:11:53,563 You're not going to garotte me are you? 148 00:11:53,565 --> 00:11:55,531 I don't want to be garotted. 149 00:11:55,533 --> 00:11:56,830 What makes you think that? 150 00:11:56,832 --> 00:11:59,533 I'm getting a strong feeling of garotting. 151 00:12:00,599 --> 00:12:01,962 Is it the polo neck? 152 00:12:01,964 --> 00:12:03,098 It's not helping. 153 00:12:04,698 --> 00:12:05,499 No garotting. 154 00:12:06,699 --> 00:12:07,533 You have my word. 155 00:12:09,998 --> 00:12:11,596 So, what are my options? 156 00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:16,096 Here, look, I've got a brochure. 157 00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:25,597 So, you just hang around bridges, 158 00:12:25,599 --> 00:12:28,929 trying to find clients? 159 00:12:28,931 --> 00:12:31,096 Bridges, cliffs, tall buildings. 160 00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:32,896 Usual places. 161 00:12:32,898 --> 00:12:35,664 Killing yourself is a lot harder than people think. 162 00:12:35,666 --> 00:12:36,632 Tell me about it. 163 00:12:38,065 --> 00:12:39,631 There's not much work for a conventional hitman 164 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:40,467 these days. 165 00:12:41,764 --> 00:12:44,233 All the Eastern Europeans taking our jobs. 166 00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:46,830 But I had to meet my quota somehow. 167 00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,599 So, you came along just at the right time, as it happens. 168 00:12:53,032 --> 00:12:54,597 What about this one? 169 00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:56,729 Ah, the hero's death. 170 00:12:56,731 --> 00:12:59,630 This would be perfect. 171 00:12:59,632 --> 00:13:04,599 Killed saving the life of a child, a beautiful nurse 172 00:13:05,299 --> 00:13:07,533 crying over my bloodied body, 173 00:13:08,665 --> 00:13:11,296 a small crowd gathered. 174 00:13:11,298 --> 00:13:12,466 Maybe they're clapping? 175 00:13:13,665 --> 00:13:14,962 Do you know a beautiful nurse? 176 00:13:14,964 --> 00:13:15,897 No. 177 00:13:15,899 --> 00:13:18,230 Do you have access to a child? 178 00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:19,066 No. 179 00:13:20,164 --> 00:13:21,663 Well I'm not saying I can't do it, 180 00:13:21,665 --> 00:13:24,596 but there's a lot of admin involved. 181 00:13:24,598 --> 00:13:25,729 And it's not cheap. 182 00:13:25,731 --> 00:13:27,696 What's your budget? 183 00:13:27,698 --> 00:13:29,062 Well, I've got around two grand. 184 00:13:29,064 --> 00:13:30,296 Two thousand? 185 00:13:30,298 --> 00:13:34,232 I wouldn't reverse over you in a Ford Fiesta for that money. 186 00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:37,866 Well what can you do? 187 00:13:45,632 --> 00:13:47,132 Quick and painless. 188 00:13:49,697 --> 00:13:50,530 Right. 189 00:13:50,532 --> 00:13:52,163 And even then I'm doing you a deal. 190 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,533 For two grand, it's usually quick but painful. 191 00:13:56,698 --> 00:13:58,029 How? 192 00:13:58,031 --> 00:13:59,263 Well, I'd shoot you. 193 00:13:59,265 --> 00:14:00,063 From a distance. 194 00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:00,996 One shot. 195 00:14:00,998 --> 00:14:01,898 You'd never see it coming. 196 00:14:08,631 --> 00:14:09,695 Okay. 197 00:14:09,697 --> 00:14:10,896 Deal. 198 00:14:11,732 --> 00:14:12,796 Excellent. 199 00:14:12,798 --> 00:14:14,663 Here we go. 200 00:14:14,665 --> 00:14:15,696 Standard contract. 201 00:14:15,698 --> 00:14:16,897 Name? 202 00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:17,930 William Morrison. 203 00:14:17,932 --> 00:14:18,863 Address? 204 00:14:18,865 --> 00:14:21,163 Flat three, 27 Drake St. 205 00:14:21,165 --> 00:14:22,500 Reason for wanting death? 206 00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:25,862 Why do you want to die? 207 00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:28,263 Is it terminal illness? 208 00:14:28,265 --> 00:14:30,233 Money problems? 209 00:14:32,999 --> 00:14:35,500 Do you ever wonder what's the point? 210 00:14:37,098 --> 00:14:38,162 Frequently. 211 00:14:38,164 --> 00:14:39,632 What's the point of me? 212 00:14:40,565 --> 00:14:41,897 Why am I here? 213 00:14:41,899 --> 00:14:43,795 What am I contributing? 214 00:14:43,797 --> 00:14:45,763 I think about that all the time. 215 00:14:47,797 --> 00:14:49,732 Over and over and over. 216 00:14:52,131 --> 00:14:54,562 And I want to switch my brain off, 217 00:14:54,564 --> 00:14:58,965 but it builds until it becomes unbearable. 218 00:14:59,964 --> 00:15:02,030 It's like my brain is on fire, 219 00:15:02,032 --> 00:15:03,663 like it's burning from the inside. 220 00:15:03,665 --> 00:15:05,599 And I want it to stop, to feel nothing. 221 00:15:07,598 --> 00:15:09,566 I've never talked to anyone about this. 222 00:15:11,231 --> 00:15:12,962 We're already dying. 223 00:15:12,964 --> 00:15:14,132 Just very slowly. 224 00:15:15,564 --> 00:15:16,829 Life's one long terminal il... 225 00:15:16,831 --> 00:15:19,163 Yeah, yeah, look it's a very small box. 226 00:15:19,165 --> 00:15:20,098 I'll write cancer. 227 00:15:21,565 --> 00:15:22,166 Okay. 228 00:15:23,665 --> 00:15:25,632 All right, sign here. 229 00:15:29,198 --> 00:15:30,196 Excellent. 230 00:15:32,898 --> 00:15:35,595 Well, congratulations. 231 00:15:35,597 --> 00:15:37,965 You've just signed your own death warrant. 232 00:15:39,932 --> 00:15:41,630 When will it happen? 233 00:15:41,632 --> 00:15:42,430 Oh, anytime within a week 234 00:15:42,432 --> 00:15:44,729 of the money clearing our account. 235 00:15:44,731 --> 00:15:46,097 All the money up front? 236 00:15:46,099 --> 00:15:48,562 Well we can't get it afterwards, can we? 237 00:15:48,564 --> 00:15:50,762 But how do I know this isn't a scam? 238 00:15:50,764 --> 00:15:52,663 Do you have any references? 239 00:15:52,665 --> 00:15:55,762 I'll give you a list of graves you can visit. 240 00:15:55,764 --> 00:15:57,663 You pay the money into an escrow account 241 00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,196 run by the British Guild of Assassins. 242 00:16:00,198 --> 00:16:02,962 The money isn't transferred to me until after your death. 243 00:16:02,964 --> 00:16:04,997 And if you're not dead within a week, 244 00:16:04,999 --> 00:16:06,531 you'll get your money back. 245 00:16:07,631 --> 00:16:08,897 The Guild of Assassins? 246 00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:10,563 Never heard of it. 247 00:16:10,565 --> 00:16:12,662 We don't advertise. 248 00:16:12,664 --> 00:16:15,133 And the word of mouth is limited. 249 00:16:16,631 --> 00:16:18,595 What's it like, a union? 250 00:16:18,597 --> 00:16:20,696 We're not bus drivers. 251 00:16:20,698 --> 00:16:24,563 It's a co-operative bound by a strict code of conduct. 252 00:16:24,565 --> 00:16:27,062 An assassin is not just a man with a gun. 253 00:16:27,064 --> 00:16:28,098 We're not murderers. 254 00:16:29,065 --> 00:16:30,065 We're professionals. 255 00:16:31,564 --> 00:16:32,531 And what do I do? 256 00:16:33,598 --> 00:16:35,596 Do what you normally do. 257 00:16:35,598 --> 00:16:37,629 Just don't hide in a cupboard for the week. 258 00:16:37,631 --> 00:16:39,097 I don't mind, I'll kill you anyway, 259 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,499 but you'll regret it. 260 00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:43,532 Okay. 261 00:16:45,031 --> 00:16:45,866 Right. 262 00:16:48,265 --> 00:16:50,595 You seem like a decent man. 263 00:16:50,597 --> 00:16:52,096 I'm very happy to kill you. 264 00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,631 I'm very happy to die. 265 00:17:11,932 --> 00:17:12,862 Hello? 266 00:17:12,864 --> 00:17:13,632 Yes, it's Leslie. 267 00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:16,996 Hello, Les. 268 00:17:16,998 --> 00:17:18,196 Hi Wendy. 269 00:17:18,198 --> 00:17:19,698 I need to register this contract. 270 00:17:29,565 --> 00:17:30,200 Look at that! 271 00:17:31,565 --> 00:17:32,632 Well done you! 272 00:17:33,664 --> 00:17:34,497 Just in time. 273 00:17:35,598 --> 00:17:38,062 Those assisted suicides were a great idea. 274 00:17:38,064 --> 00:17:39,962 He's just needs to transfer the money. 275 00:17:39,964 --> 00:17:41,063 He seemed keen. 276 00:17:41,065 --> 00:17:42,264 Depressed was he? 277 00:17:42,266 --> 00:17:43,696 He's another writer. 278 00:17:43,698 --> 00:17:45,062 Unpublished. 279 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,896 That's the trouble with some people. 280 00:17:46,898 --> 00:17:48,063 They think too much. 281 00:17:49,565 --> 00:17:50,729 Is Harvey in? 282 00:17:50,731 --> 00:17:52,929 They're all at the conference. 283 00:17:52,931 --> 00:17:55,030 Didn't you get the newsletter? 284 00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:56,030 No. 285 00:17:56,032 --> 00:17:57,297 It's today and tomorrow. 286 00:17:57,299 --> 00:18:01,197 They're staying at a hotel in Egham. 287 00:18:01,199 --> 00:18:02,766 Here's the schedule. 288 00:18:06,299 --> 00:18:07,563 Mmmm. 289 00:18:07,565 --> 00:18:08,829 Buffet lunch. 290 00:18:08,831 --> 00:18:11,632 So have you got the Ruger Precision? 291 00:18:13,797 --> 00:18:14,695 No, Leslie I'm sorry. 292 00:18:14,697 --> 00:18:15,965 It's out at the moment. 293 00:18:17,565 --> 00:18:18,833 We've got plenty of handguns? 294 00:18:20,164 --> 00:18:21,662 Glock 17? 295 00:18:21,664 --> 00:18:23,232 Let me just get that for you. 296 00:18:33,198 --> 00:18:35,030 Ammunition is in the case. 297 00:18:35,032 --> 00:18:36,563 Can you have it back by Thursday? 298 00:18:36,565 --> 00:18:37,466 Yeah, yeah. 299 00:18:39,797 --> 00:18:41,862 Have you still got the Browning? 300 00:18:41,864 --> 00:18:45,062 No, no, I brought that back last week. 301 00:18:45,064 --> 00:18:46,498 It's saying it's still out. 302 00:18:48,199 --> 00:18:49,466 Where is it then? 303 00:18:59,266 --> 00:19:00,530 Les? 304 00:19:00,532 --> 00:19:02,663 Did you get the Worcester sauce? 305 00:19:03,697 --> 00:19:04,762 Oh, Leslie! 306 00:19:04,764 --> 00:19:05,930 Well, I'll go now. 307 00:19:05,932 --> 00:19:08,264 No, no, it's not essential. 308 00:19:08,266 --> 00:19:10,030 Look, I'm sorry. 309 00:19:10,032 --> 00:19:11,566 Just be a bit bland. 310 00:19:12,532 --> 00:19:13,863 Well I will go. 311 00:19:13,865 --> 00:19:14,695 No, you're home now. 312 00:19:14,697 --> 00:19:16,130 Don't worry. 313 00:19:16,132 --> 00:19:17,166 I'll add some Bovril. 314 00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:26,066 Hello boys. 315 00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:27,966 How are you today? 316 00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:30,966 What's wrong with you? 317 00:19:31,932 --> 00:19:32,766 You all right? 318 00:19:34,531 --> 00:19:36,632 I thought we could have it on trays. 319 00:19:42,064 --> 00:19:43,829 It's hard to move quickly 320 00:19:43,831 --> 00:19:45,930 when you only eat plants 321 00:19:47,632 --> 00:19:49,532 It's a three-toed sloth 322 00:19:50,665 --> 00:19:52,732 The sloth hangs from branches, eating plants 323 00:19:53,964 --> 00:19:55,529 Bland? 324 00:19:55,531 --> 00:19:56,498 Delicious. 325 00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:01,163 I don't know how I'm going to finish this 326 00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:02,566 in time for the Southern Counties. 327 00:20:04,765 --> 00:20:06,530 What I was thinking? 328 00:20:06,532 --> 00:20:07,599 You'll get it done. 329 00:20:09,064 --> 00:20:11,233 Sloths are not exactly enthusiastic eaters, 330 00:20:12,597 --> 00:20:17,030 but meals takes up a sizeable proportion of the day, 331 00:20:17,032 --> 00:20:18,899 it's a constant cycle. 332 00:20:20,131 --> 00:20:20,965 Yep. 333 00:20:22,531 --> 00:20:23,662 Bland. 334 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,898 My life was long enough 335 00:20:39,198 --> 00:20:44,200 and full of distress. 336 00:20:44,998 --> 00:20:48,565 Unlike my death, 337 00:20:49,564 --> 00:20:52,565 which was quick and painless. 338 00:21:17,564 --> 00:21:18,997 The time is 8:19 339 00:21:18,999 --> 00:21:22,599 and now a summary of this morning's news. 340 00:21:24,864 --> 00:21:27,596 This one goes the whole way round. 341 00:21:27,598 --> 00:21:29,730 120 nights. 342 00:21:29,732 --> 00:21:31,630 Imagine, 343 00:21:31,632 --> 00:21:33,766 wouldn't that be incredible? 344 00:21:35,532 --> 00:21:38,162 There's places here I've never even heard of. 345 00:21:38,164 --> 00:21:39,499 Nuku'Alofa. 346 00:21:41,664 --> 00:21:42,565 Nuku'Alofa. 347 00:21:43,965 --> 00:21:45,762 It's in Tonga. 348 00:21:45,764 --> 00:21:48,129 And they've got an offer on if you book early. 349 00:21:48,131 --> 00:21:49,962 Listen love, about that... 350 00:21:49,964 --> 00:21:53,663 Oh Les, you said this year. 351 00:21:53,665 --> 00:21:55,762 You said that you were going to retire this year 352 00:21:55,764 --> 00:21:57,062 and we could go 'round the world. 353 00:21:57,064 --> 00:21:58,863 No, I said I'd think about retiring 354 00:21:58,865 --> 00:22:01,696 and I have thought about it and I've decided 355 00:22:01,698 --> 00:22:03,599 that I'm not ready. 356 00:22:05,064 --> 00:22:07,195 Don't worry, the world will still be there next year. 357 00:22:07,197 --> 00:22:09,129 But will we, Leslie? 358 00:22:09,131 --> 00:22:10,595 You should be enjoying life, 359 00:22:10,597 --> 00:22:12,662 not working yourself into an early grave. 360 00:22:12,664 --> 00:22:14,262 I love my work. 361 00:22:14,264 --> 00:22:15,430 And what about Harvey? 362 00:22:15,432 --> 00:22:18,529 I thought he wanted to give more work to the youngsters? 363 00:22:18,531 --> 00:22:19,430 He can do what he likes. 364 00:22:19,432 --> 00:22:21,562 I've already fulfilled his stupid quota. 365 00:22:21,564 --> 00:22:22,696 You have? 366 00:22:22,698 --> 00:22:23,795 Yes. 367 00:22:23,797 --> 00:22:25,465 The money just needs to be transferred, that's all. 368 00:22:27,164 --> 00:22:29,696 At least you can be happy for me? 369 00:22:29,698 --> 00:22:30,763 Budgies can fly 370 00:22:30,765 --> 00:22:33,062 at over 90 kilometers per hour, 371 00:22:33,064 --> 00:22:34,730 and cover huge territories, 372 00:22:43,032 --> 00:22:45,262 Leslie O'Neil. 373 00:22:45,264 --> 00:22:46,529 Mr O'Neil? 374 00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:47,563 Yeah. 375 00:22:47,565 --> 00:22:49,161 It's William Morrison. 376 00:22:49,163 --> 00:22:51,263 I've transferred the money. 377 00:22:51,265 --> 00:22:56,465 But I have a few things I want to do first, 378 00:22:57,765 --> 00:22:59,295 so I was wondering if you could give me a rough idea 379 00:22:59,297 --> 00:23:01,030 in terms of timescale. 380 00:23:01,032 --> 00:23:03,796 William, this isn't a good time. 381 00:23:03,798 --> 00:23:04,997 I'm at work. 382 00:23:04,999 --> 00:23:06,196 What? 383 00:23:06,198 --> 00:23:07,662 Right now? 384 00:23:07,664 --> 00:23:09,498 What, you're going to kill someone right now? 385 00:23:10,797 --> 00:23:12,762 Wait, it's not me, is it? 386 00:23:12,764 --> 00:23:14,796 No, it isn't you. 387 00:23:14,798 --> 00:23:15,632 Oh. 388 00:23:16,698 --> 00:23:17,929 Bye, William. 389 00:23:42,898 --> 00:23:44,566 Book idea. 390 00:23:48,564 --> 00:23:53,566 An assassin who only kills people who want to die. 391 00:23:55,230 --> 00:23:56,763 I was hoping it would be you. 392 00:23:56,765 --> 00:23:57,729 Have a nice death. 393 00:24:00,063 --> 00:24:02,596 He holds death in his hand 394 00:24:02,598 --> 00:24:06,196 and delivers it with the precision of a surgeon. 395 00:24:06,198 --> 00:24:08,096 I'm not quite dead. 396 00:24:08,098 --> 00:24:09,096 Oh my god! 397 00:24:09,098 --> 00:24:10,629 I'm so sorry, Mrs Rehmann. 398 00:24:10,631 --> 00:24:11,663 I'll have another go. 399 00:24:15,097 --> 00:24:17,196 Benevolently shuffling lesser beings 400 00:24:17,198 --> 00:24:18,963 off their mortal coil. 401 00:24:18,965 --> 00:24:21,061 Oh, that's very good Penny. 402 00:24:21,063 --> 00:24:22,695 Oh, thank you, Clive. 403 00:24:22,697 --> 00:24:25,662 It will be if I can get it right. 404 00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:27,663 - A - hard-drinking enigma. 405 00:24:27,665 --> 00:24:30,195 Single malt his only companion. 406 00:24:30,197 --> 00:24:33,998 A man of action and unique skills. 407 00:24:35,597 --> 00:24:38,798 Oh Les, you didn't have anything else? 408 00:24:42,164 --> 00:24:44,763 He lies in wait, ready to pounce. 409 00:24:44,765 --> 00:24:48,132 Stalking his prey with a ruthless efficiency. 410 00:24:49,532 --> 00:24:50,863 A master of stealth. 411 00:24:52,597 --> 00:24:53,529 Do you want this? 412 00:24:53,531 --> 00:24:54,995 You don't want it? 413 00:24:54,997 --> 00:24:57,498 - A - connoisseur of concealment. 414 00:24:59,631 --> 00:25:03,765 Moving in the shadows, he sees all, but is never seen. 415 00:25:04,731 --> 00:25:06,629 The grim reaper. 416 00:25:06,631 --> 00:25:08,296 Abbadon the destroyer. 417 00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:11,699 To look at him is to look into the face of death. 418 00:25:13,864 --> 00:25:15,763 A lone wolf. 419 00:25:15,765 --> 00:25:16,929 Taciturn. 420 00:25:16,931 --> 00:25:18,195 What the hell are you doing? 421 00:25:18,197 --> 00:25:19,630 I've only been gone about five minutes. 422 00:25:19,632 --> 00:25:20,662 No, no. 423 00:25:20,664 --> 00:25:21,529 Sorry, Sir. 424 00:25:21,531 --> 00:25:23,065 It's already in the system. 425 00:25:24,064 --> 00:25:25,565 Oh to hell with you 426 00:25:26,697 --> 00:25:29,595 and your stupid hat and your stupid scooter! 427 00:25:29,597 --> 00:25:30,665 Unknowable. 428 00:25:32,832 --> 00:25:34,499 He hasn't chosen this life. 429 00:25:35,964 --> 00:25:37,699 It has chosen him. 430 00:25:56,631 --> 00:25:57,829 Hello? 431 00:25:57,831 --> 00:26:00,263 Oh, is this William Morrison? 432 00:26:00,265 --> 00:26:01,095 Yeah. 433 00:26:01,097 --> 00:26:02,196 Oh, thank god. 434 00:26:02,198 --> 00:26:03,532 You're not dead. 435 00:26:04,631 --> 00:26:05,629 I'm working on it. 436 00:26:05,631 --> 00:26:06,562 Well, that's great. 437 00:26:06,564 --> 00:26:08,529 I thought I might be too late. 438 00:26:08,531 --> 00:26:10,065 Sorry, who are you? 439 00:26:12,265 --> 00:26:15,162 My name is Ellie Adams and I work at Steeden & Sons. 440 00:26:15,164 --> 00:26:16,296 The publishers? 441 00:26:16,298 --> 00:26:19,662 Yeah, I want to talk to you about your book. 442 00:26:19,664 --> 00:26:20,729 What about it? 443 00:26:20,731 --> 00:26:21,731 I read it. 444 00:26:22,997 --> 00:26:23,830 Really? 445 00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:24,663 Yeah. 446 00:26:24,665 --> 00:26:25,596 The whole thing? 447 00:26:25,598 --> 00:26:27,128 Yeah. 448 00:26:27,130 --> 00:26:30,196 You're pretty fucked up. 449 00:26:30,198 --> 00:26:31,196 No offense. 450 00:26:31,198 --> 00:26:32,295 None taken. 451 00:26:32,297 --> 00:26:34,262 I want to set up a meeting with my boss. 452 00:26:34,264 --> 00:26:35,098 How's next week? 453 00:26:37,197 --> 00:26:38,228 No! 454 00:26:38,230 --> 00:26:42,532 No, I can't, um, anything sooner? 455 00:26:43,798 --> 00:26:45,262 Okay. 456 00:26:45,264 --> 00:26:47,563 Actually something just canceled tomorrow lunchtime. 457 00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:48,795 How's that? 458 00:26:48,797 --> 00:26:50,595 Yeah. 459 00:26:50,597 --> 00:26:52,061 I should be able to make it. 460 00:26:52,063 --> 00:26:53,162 Perfect. 461 00:26:53,164 --> 00:26:54,996 Do you know Fantacci's? 462 00:26:54,998 --> 00:26:55,862 Yep. 463 00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:56,796 One o'clock? 464 00:26:56,798 --> 00:26:57,630 Okay. 465 00:26:57,632 --> 00:26:59,095 Great. 466 00:26:59,097 --> 00:27:00,595 Just please don't kill yourself in the meantime. 467 00:27:00,597 --> 00:27:02,663 Or if you do, can you let me know 468 00:27:02,665 --> 00:27:04,562 and I'll cancel the table? 469 00:27:04,564 --> 00:27:05,195 Thanks! 470 00:27:14,231 --> 00:27:15,065 Morning. 471 00:27:18,565 --> 00:27:20,696 Sorry, I was having a sandwich. 472 00:27:20,698 --> 00:27:22,698 I just wanted to ask a favor. 473 00:27:24,063 --> 00:27:25,828 You're not having second thoughts, are you? 474 00:27:25,830 --> 00:27:27,295 No, no, not at all. 475 00:27:27,297 --> 00:27:30,763 I just wondered if we could postpone? 476 00:27:30,765 --> 00:27:32,262 Postpone? 477 00:27:32,264 --> 00:27:33,195 Yes. 478 00:27:33,197 --> 00:27:35,563 I had a call from a publisher's 479 00:27:35,565 --> 00:27:37,129 and they're interested in my book. 480 00:27:37,131 --> 00:27:40,896 They wanted to meet me next week, but I said absolutely not 481 00:27:40,898 --> 00:27:45,898 So we're having lunch at one tomorrow at Fantacci's. 482 00:27:47,632 --> 00:27:48,562 Do you know it? 483 00:27:48,564 --> 00:27:52,296 But you still want to die? 484 00:27:52,298 --> 00:27:53,229 Absolutely. 485 00:27:53,231 --> 00:27:54,662 Because we have a contract. 486 00:27:54,664 --> 00:27:55,961 You can plead all you like, lots of people do, 487 00:27:55,963 --> 00:27:58,530 but it's non-refundable. 488 00:27:58,532 --> 00:28:00,962 You did read the small print? 489 00:28:00,964 --> 00:28:04,765 You're only alive because I haven't killed you yet. 490 00:28:05,698 --> 00:28:08,532 It will be a temporary hiatus. 491 00:28:09,598 --> 00:28:10,865 It would mean a lot to me. 492 00:28:15,230 --> 00:28:16,530 Okay. 493 00:28:16,532 --> 00:28:17,662 Sure. 494 00:28:17,664 --> 00:28:20,229 Thank you, I really appreciate it. 495 00:28:20,231 --> 00:28:21,232 All right. 496 00:28:37,997 --> 00:28:39,629 Hello, sir, can I help you? 497 00:28:39,631 --> 00:28:41,695 Hello, I have a meeting with Ellie Adams. 498 00:28:41,697 --> 00:28:45,031 The young lady sitting right there. 499 00:28:46,997 --> 00:28:47,831 Oh. 500 00:28:51,264 --> 00:28:52,595 Ellie? 501 00:28:52,597 --> 00:28:55,630 You didn't kill yourself. 502 00:28:55,632 --> 00:28:56,599 I managed not to. 503 00:28:58,164 --> 00:28:59,965 Brian is on his way. 504 00:29:01,298 --> 00:29:02,131 Tell me. 505 00:29:03,531 --> 00:29:06,829 You've thought a lot about dying, right? 506 00:29:06,831 --> 00:29:09,262 More than most. 507 00:29:09,264 --> 00:29:12,764 Would you rather be eaten by sharks or mauled by a bear? 508 00:29:13,831 --> 00:29:17,998 Uh, I think sharks. 509 00:29:18,964 --> 00:29:20,199 They seem more efficient. 510 00:29:21,597 --> 00:29:23,529 I wouldn't recommend lions. 511 00:29:23,531 --> 00:29:27,296 I tried jumping into the lion enclosure at the zoo once, 512 00:29:27,298 --> 00:29:29,563 but all the lions were asleep. 513 00:29:29,565 --> 00:29:31,865 After 10 minutes I had to climb out again. 514 00:29:34,997 --> 00:29:35,831 That's funny. 515 00:29:39,632 --> 00:29:41,529 Did you know that there are more people killed every year 516 00:29:41,531 --> 00:29:45,562 by hippos than by lions, sharks and bears combined. 517 00:29:45,564 --> 00:29:48,662 I mean, that's an embarrassing way to die. 518 00:29:48,664 --> 00:29:50,762 To be killed by a hippo. 519 00:29:53,597 --> 00:29:55,598 My parents were killed by a hippo. 520 00:29:56,997 --> 00:29:58,061 Oh. 521 00:29:58,063 --> 00:29:58,897 Sorry. 522 00:30:04,664 --> 00:30:05,928 I'm joking. 523 00:30:05,930 --> 00:30:07,565 My parents weren't killed by a hippo. 524 00:30:08,897 --> 00:30:09,828 Oh, ha. 525 00:30:09,830 --> 00:30:11,563 They died in a car crash. 526 00:30:11,565 --> 00:30:13,061 So, your book. 527 00:30:13,063 --> 00:30:16,465 You're very interesting 528 00:30:19,097 --> 00:30:22,562 In a good way? 529 00:30:22,564 --> 00:30:24,096 Ah, here comes Brian. 530 00:30:24,098 --> 00:30:26,262 Well, you can tell him from me he's a fucking moron. 531 00:30:26,264 --> 00:30:27,729 In fact worse, he's an idiot. 532 00:30:27,731 --> 00:30:29,263 A big fucking idiot. 533 00:30:29,265 --> 00:30:31,161 No, idiot is worse than moron. 534 00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:32,295 Idiot is the worst. 535 00:30:32,297 --> 00:30:35,562 Officially, it's a medical term. 536 00:30:35,564 --> 00:30:37,961 Extreme mental retardation. 537 00:30:37,963 --> 00:30:42,965 Idiot, imbecile, moron, that's the sequence. 538 00:30:43,863 --> 00:30:45,599 Do you know what's after moron? 539 00:30:47,131 --> 00:30:47,961 Cretin? 540 00:30:47,963 --> 00:30:50,095 No, cretin is different. 541 00:30:50,097 --> 00:30:51,962 Cretin is more of a physical thing. 542 00:30:51,964 --> 00:30:55,132 Just do it will you or you're both fired! 543 00:31:01,863 --> 00:31:04,761 Your mum's not retarded or anything is she? 544 00:31:04,763 --> 00:31:05,795 My mum's dead. 545 00:31:05,797 --> 00:31:07,229 Oh, thank god for that! 546 00:31:07,231 --> 00:31:08,161 That would have been awkward! 547 00:31:08,163 --> 00:31:09,829 This is Brian Bentley. 548 00:31:09,831 --> 00:31:11,096 My boss at the company. 549 00:31:11,098 --> 00:31:12,562 We love the book. 550 00:31:12,564 --> 00:31:14,262 Fucking dark. 551 00:31:14,264 --> 00:31:15,761 It's dull by the way. 552 00:31:15,763 --> 00:31:17,263 I wouldn't say that. 553 00:31:17,265 --> 00:31:18,661 Admittedly I haven't read it, but Ellie loves it. 554 00:31:18,663 --> 00:31:19,594 Says it could be huge. 555 00:31:19,596 --> 00:31:20,829 Are you on Twitter? 556 00:31:20,831 --> 00:31:21,794 I meant after moron. 557 00:31:21,796 --> 00:31:23,795 Oh, the retards thing! 558 00:31:23,797 --> 00:31:25,529 Yeah, that's right, dull. 559 00:31:27,863 --> 00:31:30,196 You know, I once had a girlfriend who was dull. 560 00:31:30,198 --> 00:31:31,595 Officially... 561 00:31:31,597 --> 00:31:32,595 We were talking about William's book. 562 00:31:32,597 --> 00:31:33,828 Oh, yeah. 563 00:31:33,830 --> 00:31:35,296 So look, we want to turn it into a sort of 564 00:31:35,298 --> 00:31:37,562 Idiots Guide to Suicide. 565 00:31:37,564 --> 00:31:38,962 What do you think? 566 00:31:38,964 --> 00:31:40,561 Not medical idiots obviously. 567 00:31:40,563 --> 00:31:43,229 I mean, I doubt those guys can fucking read. 568 00:31:43,231 --> 00:31:44,232 It sounds awful. 569 00:31:45,564 --> 00:31:47,161 That's not really what, no, 570 00:31:47,163 --> 00:31:49,829 Brian meant that we want to use the core of 571 00:31:49,831 --> 00:31:52,029 your book to give a personal insight 572 00:31:52,031 --> 00:31:53,694 into the world of suicide. 573 00:31:53,696 --> 00:31:56,629 Have you really tried to kill yourself seven times? 574 00:31:56,631 --> 00:31:59,228 10, if you count cries for help. 575 00:31:59,230 --> 00:32:00,628 Jesus! 576 00:32:00,630 --> 00:32:02,162 You don't seem that disturbed. 577 00:32:02,164 --> 00:32:03,629 When Ellie told me about this I thought you'd be trying 578 00:32:03,631 --> 00:32:05,829 to cut your wrists with the bread knife. 579 00:32:05,831 --> 00:32:07,594 You know there's a bravery in your writing 580 00:32:07,596 --> 00:32:09,762 to acknowledge that the world's obsession with the banal 581 00:32:09,764 --> 00:32:12,628 is simply a distraction from the nagging fear 582 00:32:12,630 --> 00:32:14,465 that our existence has no meaning. 583 00:32:15,663 --> 00:32:18,662 People are discontented and lonely. 584 00:32:18,664 --> 00:32:20,499 I think your book will connect with them. 585 00:32:21,597 --> 00:32:23,562 Plus people love shit that's depressing, 586 00:32:23,564 --> 00:32:25,832 makes them feel better about their own crappy lives. 587 00:32:27,031 --> 00:32:29,561 Hey, do you really think you will kill yourself? 588 00:32:29,563 --> 00:32:30,595 Probably. 589 00:32:30,597 --> 00:32:31,795 Great. 590 00:32:31,797 --> 00:32:33,598 Just thinking we could coincide it with a paperback release. 591 00:32:34,730 --> 00:32:37,029 Well, if he's going to do it anyway! 592 00:32:37,031 --> 00:32:41,694 I actually wanted to ask about posthumous publication? 593 00:32:41,696 --> 00:32:43,695 Just hypothetically. 594 00:32:43,697 --> 00:32:46,594 We really want to work with you. 595 00:32:46,596 --> 00:32:48,096 I'm so pleased you like my book, 596 00:32:48,098 --> 00:32:50,961 but this guide idea, 597 00:32:50,963 --> 00:32:52,661 it sounds like a lot of work 598 00:32:52,663 --> 00:32:54,562 and I don't have much time at the moment. 599 00:32:54,564 --> 00:32:55,928 Killing yourself keeping you busy? 600 00:32:55,930 --> 00:32:57,662 You wouldn't have to do it all yourself. 601 00:32:57,664 --> 00:32:58,861 Ellie would be your editor. 602 00:32:58,863 --> 00:33:00,561 If that's okay? 603 00:33:00,563 --> 00:33:03,028 This is great opportunity, mate. 604 00:33:03,030 --> 00:33:05,132 Once in a lifetime, ironically. 605 00:33:06,297 --> 00:33:07,694 This is a chance for you to say 606 00:33:07,696 --> 00:33:09,561 what you want and be heard. 607 00:33:09,563 --> 00:33:10,729 Yes. 608 00:33:10,731 --> 00:33:13,095 What is that exactly? 609 00:33:13,097 --> 00:33:16,096 That death is nothing to fear. 610 00:33:16,098 --> 00:33:18,628 It's what we all have in common. 611 00:33:18,630 --> 00:33:20,761 There is something reassuring in that. 612 00:33:20,763 --> 00:33:23,630 Makes me feel less adrift. 613 00:33:29,098 --> 00:33:30,961 Jesus Christ! 614 00:33:30,963 --> 00:33:32,263 I'm not publishing your book 615 00:33:32,265 --> 00:33:35,529 just because you need a fucking hug. 616 00:33:35,531 --> 00:33:37,595 It's got to sell. 617 00:33:37,597 --> 00:33:39,061 That's the problem these days, 618 00:33:39,063 --> 00:33:41,829 everyone feels a need to express every detail 619 00:33:41,831 --> 00:33:43,161 of their pathetic lives 620 00:33:43,163 --> 00:33:45,228 to remind us of their existence. 621 00:33:45,230 --> 00:33:47,595 I tweet therefore I am. 622 00:33:47,597 --> 00:33:50,695 No one fucking cares! 623 00:33:50,697 --> 00:33:52,661 I'd rather shoot myself in the head 624 00:33:52,663 --> 00:33:53,295 than have to listen to the opinions of these... 625 00:33:56,864 --> 00:33:57,798 Oh balls. 626 00:34:03,031 --> 00:34:05,529 William, get down! 627 00:34:05,531 --> 00:34:07,828 Have a good death. 628 00:34:08,797 --> 00:34:10,929 What are you doing? 629 00:34:10,931 --> 00:34:11,765 Cock. 630 00:34:23,863 --> 00:34:25,562 I think it's stopped. 631 00:34:25,564 --> 00:34:27,595 Aren't you going to thank me? 632 00:34:27,597 --> 00:34:29,229 For what? 633 00:34:29,231 --> 00:34:31,095 I just saved your life. 634 00:34:31,097 --> 00:34:33,032 I'm having mixed feelings about that. 635 00:34:35,030 --> 00:34:35,862 Jesus. 636 00:34:35,864 --> 00:34:36,698 Poor Brian. 637 00:34:38,863 --> 00:34:40,162 Do you think he's dead? 638 00:34:40,164 --> 00:34:41,698 Half his face was missing. 639 00:34:44,198 --> 00:34:45,498 There goes my book deal. 640 00:34:48,563 --> 00:34:49,795 You smoke? 641 00:34:49,797 --> 00:34:51,565 I didn't think anyone smoked any more. 642 00:34:54,664 --> 00:34:57,528 You know this is a non-smoking restaurant. 643 00:34:57,530 --> 00:34:58,730 I don't think they'll care. 644 00:35:24,931 --> 00:35:25,798 Leslie? 645 00:35:27,298 --> 00:35:28,565 Hello, love. 646 00:35:30,631 --> 00:35:31,698 What is it? 647 00:35:33,864 --> 00:35:34,832 Oh, it's nothing. 648 00:35:35,998 --> 00:35:37,729 After 36 years of marriage 649 00:35:37,731 --> 00:35:39,765 I think I know something when I see it. 650 00:35:42,864 --> 00:35:43,665 Well I, 651 00:35:44,831 --> 00:35:46,998 I made a terrible mistake at work. 652 00:35:47,997 --> 00:35:49,964 Oh Les, don't worry. 653 00:35:52,098 --> 00:35:54,562 Everyone makes mistakes. 654 00:35:54,564 --> 00:35:55,961 Not me. 655 00:35:55,963 --> 00:35:56,832 Not like this. 656 00:36:01,264 --> 00:36:02,565 Harvey's going to kill me. 657 00:36:03,564 --> 00:36:06,228 Oh, I'm sure he'll understand. 658 00:36:06,230 --> 00:36:08,865 I mean, it's not like anyone died, is it? 659 00:36:14,264 --> 00:36:16,065 I'll put the kettle on. 660 00:36:19,530 --> 00:36:20,762 You'll never guess who else is entered 661 00:36:20,764 --> 00:36:22,561 her cushion into the Southern Counties. 662 00:36:22,563 --> 00:36:23,895 Who? 663 00:36:23,897 --> 00:36:26,695 Only Morag effing Bleasdale. 664 00:36:26,697 --> 00:36:28,562 Who's Morag Bleasdale? 665 00:36:28,564 --> 00:36:29,965 Who's Morag Bleasdale? 666 00:36:31,531 --> 00:36:33,129 She's only the best needlecrafter in the home counties! 667 00:36:33,131 --> 00:36:34,162 She's won everything! 668 00:36:34,164 --> 00:36:36,162 There's no way I'll beat her. 669 00:36:36,164 --> 00:36:37,065 Yes, you will. 670 00:36:38,263 --> 00:36:40,196 I knew I shouldn't have done a cushion. 671 00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:42,661 I'm out of my comfort zone. 672 00:36:42,663 --> 00:36:43,594 I would have thought a cushion 673 00:36:43,596 --> 00:36:45,128 would make it more comfortable. 674 00:36:45,130 --> 00:36:47,261 This is not a joke, Leslie! 675 00:36:47,263 --> 00:36:48,995 Morag Bleasdale! 676 00:36:48,997 --> 00:36:51,628 Not to mention Sue Simmons, and Clive! 677 00:36:51,630 --> 00:36:53,029 Don't forget Clive. 678 00:36:53,031 --> 00:36:57,061 He beat me twice last year and that was just local, 679 00:36:57,063 --> 00:36:59,096 this is the Southern Counties. 680 00:36:59,098 --> 00:37:02,228 As I say, it's not about winning. 681 00:37:02,230 --> 00:37:04,829 And like I say, it is about winning. 682 00:37:06,163 --> 00:37:07,728 I'm not cross-stitching a cushion 683 00:37:07,730 --> 00:37:10,098 for 30 hours to come unplaced! 684 00:37:12,564 --> 00:37:15,096 You are better than Morag Bleasdale, 685 00:37:15,098 --> 00:37:18,098 Sue Simmons and Clive. 686 00:37:19,296 --> 00:37:20,630 They're really good. 687 00:37:21,564 --> 00:37:23,864 But you are better. 688 00:37:25,230 --> 00:37:26,231 Thank you. 689 00:37:31,563 --> 00:37:32,828 What are you doing? 690 00:37:32,830 --> 00:37:35,530 I'm just checking something. 691 00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:40,795 Now tell me what happened at work 692 00:37:40,797 --> 00:37:42,465 and what I can do to help. 693 00:37:43,730 --> 00:37:45,862 No, that's all right, love. 694 00:37:45,864 --> 00:37:46,998 I'll sort it myself. 695 00:37:51,229 --> 00:37:55,832 To miss once was unlucky, to miss again, unthinkable. 696 00:37:59,796 --> 00:38:02,662 Since signing the contract, 697 00:38:02,664 --> 00:38:04,665 his problems hadn't seemed so bad, 698 00:38:05,864 --> 00:38:06,964 except one. 699 00:38:08,531 --> 00:38:09,965 And that could happen at any moment. 700 00:38:30,063 --> 00:38:31,794 Hey. 701 00:38:31,796 --> 00:38:34,529 How do you know where I live? 702 00:38:34,531 --> 00:38:35,562 It was on your manuscript. 703 00:38:44,530 --> 00:38:46,931 I thought we could start work on your book. 704 00:38:47,797 --> 00:38:48,761 But I thought... 705 00:38:48,763 --> 00:38:50,097 I've got nothing else on. 706 00:38:51,697 --> 00:38:53,961 I'm on compassionate leave. 707 00:38:53,963 --> 00:38:56,064 You know, for the trauma. 708 00:38:58,130 --> 00:38:58,965 Can I have one? 709 00:39:02,229 --> 00:39:04,160 And are you? 710 00:39:04,162 --> 00:39:05,661 What? 711 00:39:05,663 --> 00:39:07,230 Traumatized? 712 00:39:11,097 --> 00:39:12,231 Oh yeah. 713 00:39:13,796 --> 00:39:15,127 Totally. 714 00:39:15,129 --> 00:39:18,561 Yeah, a man was shot right in front of us. 715 00:39:18,563 --> 00:39:21,497 That's gonna, obviously it's... 716 00:39:23,163 --> 00:39:25,664 But I probably will get promoted now, so, 717 00:39:27,197 --> 00:39:29,595 well, he was a total dick! 718 00:39:29,597 --> 00:39:31,262 And I mean, as I said to the police, 719 00:39:31,264 --> 00:39:33,497 loads of people wanted him dead. 720 00:39:36,230 --> 00:39:38,528 Are you working on something new? 721 00:39:38,530 --> 00:39:39,564 No, that's... 722 00:39:45,530 --> 00:39:48,194 Your know my friend does these new writing nights. 723 00:39:48,196 --> 00:39:49,031 You should come. 724 00:39:50,263 --> 00:39:51,931 There's music, beer, 725 00:39:54,096 --> 00:39:55,564 other fuck ups. 726 00:39:59,897 --> 00:40:02,261 So how do you want this to work? 727 00:40:02,263 --> 00:40:03,262 I've had some ideas on the structure. 728 00:40:03,264 --> 00:40:05,729 I think we should meet every couple of days... 729 00:40:05,731 --> 00:40:08,731 That sounds great, but I told you, I can't. 730 00:40:10,730 --> 00:40:11,595 Of course you can. 731 00:40:11,597 --> 00:40:14,128 No, I'm sorry. 732 00:40:14,130 --> 00:40:14,996 Do you really want to be stuck in this flat 733 00:40:14,998 --> 00:40:16,762 your whole life? 734 00:40:16,764 --> 00:40:17,962 Look at it. 735 00:40:17,964 --> 00:40:19,194 It's no wonder you want to kill yourself. 736 00:40:19,196 --> 00:40:20,294 You don't get it. 737 00:40:20,296 --> 00:40:23,695 I get that I connected with your book 738 00:40:23,697 --> 00:40:25,798 and I think other people will too. 739 00:40:27,597 --> 00:40:29,562 Isn't that what you're looking for? 740 00:40:29,564 --> 00:40:33,531 Something to feel less, what did you say? 741 00:40:34,697 --> 00:40:35,531 Adrift? 742 00:40:36,930 --> 00:40:38,928 But I... 743 00:40:38,930 --> 00:40:39,563 What? 744 00:40:42,062 --> 00:40:43,597 I have something to tell you. 745 00:40:45,597 --> 00:40:47,497 I employed the guy who killed Brian. 746 00:40:53,531 --> 00:40:56,195 Why would you employ someone to kill Brian? 747 00:40:56,197 --> 00:40:58,729 No, I employed him to kill me. 748 00:40:58,731 --> 00:41:01,231 But he missed and killed Brian. 749 00:41:03,997 --> 00:41:05,227 What? 750 00:41:05,229 --> 00:41:07,227 Well, I wasn't having much luck on my own 751 00:41:07,229 --> 00:41:08,862 so I thought I'd outsource it. 752 00:41:08,864 --> 00:41:10,161 Outsource it? 753 00:41:10,163 --> 00:41:13,294 You outsource market research, 754 00:41:13,296 --> 00:41:14,995 you outsource website design, 755 00:41:14,997 --> 00:41:17,831 you don't outsource suicide. 756 00:41:18,830 --> 00:41:20,261 I did. 757 00:41:20,263 --> 00:41:22,564 What happens now Brian's dead and you're not? 758 00:41:23,630 --> 00:41:24,464 I don't know. 759 00:41:25,229 --> 00:41:26,730 The contract lasts a week. 760 00:41:28,864 --> 00:41:29,928 Great! 761 00:41:29,930 --> 00:41:31,961 And what about our book? 762 00:41:31,963 --> 00:41:32,960 You know what? 763 00:41:32,962 --> 00:41:34,561 You have to postpone it. 764 00:41:34,563 --> 00:41:35,828 Post, what? 765 00:41:35,830 --> 00:41:36,794 Or call it off. 766 00:41:36,796 --> 00:41:38,227 I don't know. 767 00:41:38,229 --> 00:41:39,327 You got his number? 768 00:41:39,329 --> 00:41:41,630 You just, you call him and tell him the deal's off. 769 00:41:43,097 --> 00:41:48,097 But I think it's a non-refundable kind of thing. 770 00:41:48,831 --> 00:41:49,961 I signed a contract. 771 00:41:49,963 --> 00:41:51,161 Non-refundable? 772 00:41:51,163 --> 00:41:52,628 Mm-hmm. 773 00:41:52,630 --> 00:41:54,628 You've agreed to be killed by a hitman, 774 00:41:54,630 --> 00:41:56,595 I doubt that's legally binding. 775 00:41:56,597 --> 00:41:57,598 Call him. 776 00:42:15,764 --> 00:42:16,598 Shit. 777 00:42:21,296 --> 00:42:22,694 Fucking thing. 778 00:42:28,063 --> 00:42:30,030 Um, hello. 779 00:42:32,030 --> 00:42:32,865 Hello. 780 00:42:34,097 --> 00:42:34,931 How are you? 781 00:42:36,962 --> 00:42:38,864 Yes, I'm fine. 782 00:42:39,831 --> 00:42:40,894 You? 783 00:42:40,896 --> 00:42:42,664 Good, thank you. 784 00:42:44,630 --> 00:42:48,695 In fact, I've been thinking and I'm thinking 785 00:42:48,697 --> 00:42:50,565 that I might want to call it off. 786 00:42:51,230 --> 00:42:52,064 What? 787 00:42:53,130 --> 00:42:54,595 Sorry about that. 788 00:42:54,597 --> 00:42:55,561 But you signed a contract. 789 00:42:55,563 --> 00:42:59,628 Yes, I know, but look, things have changed... 790 00:42:59,630 --> 00:43:00,928 Didn't you read the small print? 791 00:43:00,930 --> 00:43:02,561 We've got an agreement. 792 00:43:02,563 --> 00:43:03,762 We have a contract. 793 00:43:03,764 --> 00:43:05,194 It's not legally binding! 794 00:43:05,196 --> 00:43:06,594 Oh, Jesus Christ! 795 00:43:06,596 --> 00:43:07,794 Take some responsibility! 796 00:43:07,796 --> 00:43:09,562 I'm doing the best I can. 797 00:43:09,564 --> 00:43:13,695 I'm one kill away and now you want to call it off. 798 00:43:13,697 --> 00:43:16,531 Oh look, I tell you what, fuck you. 799 00:43:19,929 --> 00:43:20,765 We need to go. 800 00:43:38,129 --> 00:43:39,595 Oh! 801 00:43:54,296 --> 00:43:55,295 Here. 802 00:43:55,297 --> 00:43:56,131 What? 803 00:43:58,531 --> 00:43:59,794 Oi, what are you... 804 00:43:59,796 --> 00:44:02,529 No, I'm sorry but it's already in the system. 805 00:44:02,531 --> 00:44:03,562 Oi! 806 00:44:04,197 --> 00:44:05,761 Go, go! 807 00:44:05,763 --> 00:44:06,729 Where are we going? 808 00:44:06,731 --> 00:44:07,894 I know somewhere! 809 00:44:20,029 --> 00:44:21,764 Oh, for God's sake. 810 00:45:21,631 --> 00:45:22,662 I'll do wine. 811 00:45:22,664 --> 00:45:23,598 You do fire. 812 00:45:30,929 --> 00:45:31,763 Hello, Les. 813 00:45:34,029 --> 00:45:34,863 Harvey. 814 00:45:36,930 --> 00:45:39,261 So, we're in a bit of shit here. 815 00:45:39,263 --> 00:45:40,628 Harvey... 816 00:45:40,630 --> 00:45:41,227 You are the source of that shit. 817 00:45:41,229 --> 00:45:42,561 You're a shit factory. 818 00:45:42,563 --> 00:45:44,793 An incontinent shit factory. 819 00:45:44,795 --> 00:45:46,227 But, I'm fixing it. 820 00:45:46,229 --> 00:45:47,529 How are you doing that? 821 00:45:47,531 --> 00:45:49,628 By shooting a traffic warden? 822 00:45:49,630 --> 00:45:51,161 That was an accident. 823 00:45:51,163 --> 00:45:52,629 You're a real black spot at the moment, aren't you? 824 00:45:52,631 --> 00:45:54,661 Worse than the fucking A14. 825 00:45:54,663 --> 00:45:56,861 The problem, Leslie, is that our business 826 00:45:56,863 --> 00:45:59,927 is life and death and we can't afford to have accidents, 827 00:45:59,929 --> 00:46:01,860 understand? 828 00:46:01,862 --> 00:46:03,661 We're professionals. 829 00:46:03,663 --> 00:46:05,693 We don't miss. 830 00:46:05,695 --> 00:46:08,030 Whoever heard of an assassin with a shaky hand? 831 00:46:09,530 --> 00:46:10,860 You don't see Michael J Fox running around 832 00:46:10,862 --> 00:46:12,629 shooting people, do you? 833 00:46:12,631 --> 00:46:13,495 And why not? 834 00:46:13,497 --> 00:46:15,160 Because he'd be fucking terrible at it. 835 00:46:15,162 --> 00:46:18,995 No, Michael J Fox sticks to raising money for his charity. 836 00:46:18,997 --> 00:46:21,060 He doesn't even do much acting anymore, 837 00:46:21,062 --> 00:46:25,928 which is a shame because I'm a big fan of Michael J Fox. 838 00:46:25,930 --> 00:46:28,860 Back to the Future, Secret of my Success... 839 00:46:28,862 --> 00:46:29,830 Stuart Little. 840 00:46:32,829 --> 00:46:33,661 Why mention that? 841 00:46:33,663 --> 00:46:34,861 Why bring that up? 842 00:46:34,863 --> 00:46:36,061 He's in it. 843 00:46:36,063 --> 00:46:38,262 Only the voice, only the fucking voice. 844 00:46:38,264 --> 00:46:40,960 Now, if you'd said Doc Hollywood, I'd agree with you. 845 00:46:40,962 --> 00:46:41,794 Teen Wolf. 846 00:46:41,796 --> 00:46:43,594 Teen Wolf, exactly. 847 00:46:43,596 --> 00:46:46,194 But he doesn't do films anymore 848 00:46:46,196 --> 00:46:47,128 because he knows he's not up to it. 849 00:46:47,130 --> 00:46:49,228 Do you see what I'm saying? 850 00:46:49,230 --> 00:46:50,594 Not really. 851 00:46:50,596 --> 00:46:51,996 Let me explain. 852 00:46:53,130 --> 00:46:53,964 You're done. 853 00:46:56,962 --> 00:46:58,595 What do you mean? 854 00:46:58,597 --> 00:47:00,262 Okay, 855 00:47:00,264 --> 00:47:03,660 no there's no clearer way I can say this. 856 00:47:03,662 --> 00:47:04,763 You are done. 857 00:47:06,531 --> 00:47:07,660 You can't fire me. 858 00:47:07,662 --> 00:47:09,595 You haven't made your quota. 859 00:47:09,597 --> 00:47:11,160 But I'm only one hit away. 860 00:47:11,162 --> 00:47:12,861 Listen Shakin' Stevens. 861 00:47:12,863 --> 00:47:15,060 You missed, twice. 862 00:47:15,062 --> 00:47:16,061 You've had a good run. 863 00:47:16,063 --> 00:47:17,198 But as of now... 864 00:47:26,097 --> 00:47:27,597 We even got you a present. 865 00:47:29,097 --> 00:47:29,964 Look at that. 866 00:47:31,130 --> 00:47:32,565 Fucking lovely. 867 00:47:36,063 --> 00:47:38,627 Wha, for shooting a traffic warden? 868 00:47:38,629 --> 00:47:39,563 Come on! 869 00:47:39,565 --> 00:47:40,461 No one gives a fuck about traffic wardens. 870 00:47:40,463 --> 00:47:43,161 No, you shot the womble in the restaurant. 871 00:47:43,163 --> 00:47:45,861 This is the reason the guild was set up 872 00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:47,895 and you've jeopardized the entire thing. 873 00:47:47,897 --> 00:47:51,160 Rules, regulations, contracts, 874 00:47:51,162 --> 00:47:54,195 without those you're just a tit with a gun. 875 00:47:54,197 --> 00:47:56,728 But the target ducked when I took a shot at him. 876 00:47:56,730 --> 00:47:58,095 It could happen to anyone. 877 00:47:58,097 --> 00:47:59,660 To be honest it could've been worse. 878 00:47:59,662 --> 00:48:02,465 There was a contract out on the guy you shot anyway. 879 00:48:03,197 --> 00:48:04,028 Oh, Jesus. 880 00:48:04,030 --> 00:48:04,961 What are the chances? 881 00:48:04,963 --> 00:48:06,194 The universe works in ways 882 00:48:06,196 --> 00:48:08,529 that people like us will never understand. 883 00:48:11,263 --> 00:48:12,465 Brian Bentley. 884 00:48:14,696 --> 00:48:16,498 Here, you can read all about it. 885 00:48:25,962 --> 00:48:26,831 So, um, 886 00:48:27,962 --> 00:48:30,560 if I completed the contract... 887 00:48:29,596 --> 00:48:30,462 Don't get cheeky. 888 00:48:30,464 --> 00:48:32,529 Pavel was furious when he found out. 889 00:48:32,531 --> 00:48:34,696 He'd just put a deposit on a new car. 890 00:48:38,030 --> 00:48:40,497 So, what happens now? 891 00:48:41,863 --> 00:48:43,128 You take your zimmer frame 892 00:48:43,130 --> 00:48:45,527 and fuck off into the sunset of retirement. 893 00:48:45,529 --> 00:48:47,694 Just don't take up golf. 894 00:48:47,696 --> 00:48:48,764 Golf is for cunts. 895 00:48:50,096 --> 00:48:52,560 But if I finish this contract I can make my quota. 896 00:48:52,562 --> 00:48:53,697 It's been reassigned. 897 00:48:57,196 --> 00:48:58,227 Who to? 898 00:48:58,229 --> 00:48:59,063 Ivan. 899 00:49:00,762 --> 00:49:01,629 Look at him. 900 00:49:02,795 --> 00:49:04,763 Like a fucking bear with alopecia. 901 00:49:07,529 --> 00:49:09,231 They're hardcore, these Russians. 902 00:49:10,264 --> 00:49:11,129 It's a different game now, Les. 903 00:49:11,131 --> 00:49:13,194 You're getting out at the best time. 904 00:49:13,196 --> 00:49:14,262 But this is what I do. 905 00:49:14,264 --> 00:49:15,693 Not any more. 906 00:49:15,695 --> 00:49:16,627 This job means everything to me. 907 00:49:16,629 --> 00:49:19,627 Killing people gives me a reason to live! 908 00:49:19,629 --> 00:49:21,295 It's a terrible thing, getting old. 909 00:49:21,297 --> 00:49:22,628 Please, Harvey. 910 00:49:22,630 --> 00:49:23,627 I'm begging you. 911 00:49:23,629 --> 00:49:24,561 It's so close. 912 00:49:24,563 --> 00:49:25,994 This is no way for me to go out. 913 00:49:25,996 --> 00:49:29,095 You can't fucking go around fucking shooting people! 914 00:49:29,097 --> 00:49:30,895 It's not what we fucking do! 915 00:49:30,897 --> 00:49:33,961 What happened to you, Mr. One-foot-in-the-fucking-grave? 916 00:49:33,963 --> 00:49:36,061 You were the best and now look at you! 917 00:49:36,063 --> 00:49:37,261 Hanging around Beachy Head, 918 00:49:37,263 --> 00:49:39,995 handing out your fucking business cards. 919 00:49:39,997 --> 00:49:41,465 It's desperate. 920 00:49:54,097 --> 00:49:55,161 There's no shame in it. 921 00:49:55,163 --> 00:49:55,964 We all get old. 922 00:49:57,197 --> 00:49:59,597 Now take the fucking clock. 923 00:50:03,862 --> 00:50:05,231 I'm not taking the clock. 924 00:50:07,596 --> 00:50:08,761 Take the fucking clock, Leslie. 925 00:50:08,763 --> 00:50:11,897 Or you will find things getting a whole lot fucking worse. 926 00:50:14,097 --> 00:50:14,931 No. 927 00:50:35,696 --> 00:50:37,231 He's become a liability. 928 00:50:38,663 --> 00:50:40,863 Someone should shoot him in the fucking head. 929 00:50:51,129 --> 00:50:51,930 Here. 930 00:50:54,596 --> 00:50:55,997 Did you try again? 931 00:50:57,595 --> 00:50:58,563 It passed. 932 00:51:01,795 --> 00:51:03,527 I failed to kill myself so many times 933 00:51:03,529 --> 00:51:05,629 I began to think I might be immortal. 934 00:51:06,863 --> 00:51:08,529 I guarantee you're not immortal. 935 00:51:10,030 --> 00:51:12,198 You're just terrible at dying. 936 00:51:20,695 --> 00:51:21,629 Whose house is this? 937 00:51:23,996 --> 00:51:25,463 Ummm, no idea. 938 00:51:26,796 --> 00:51:28,295 What? 939 00:51:28,297 --> 00:51:30,560 I just really hope they don't come home tonight. 940 00:51:30,562 --> 00:51:31,198 What? 941 00:51:32,596 --> 00:51:33,828 You can't go breaking into people's houses! 942 00:51:33,830 --> 00:51:36,095 Yeah, and you can't go employing an assassin to kill you, 943 00:51:36,097 --> 00:51:37,728 but shit happens. 944 00:51:37,730 --> 00:51:39,960 I'm sorry, okay? 945 00:51:39,962 --> 00:51:44,763 I thought it was the answer, but it was a mistake. 946 00:51:46,796 --> 00:51:47,963 Relax, it's my house. 947 00:51:48,962 --> 00:51:49,863 I grew up here. 948 00:51:51,063 --> 00:51:54,464 It was my parents' but now it's mine. 949 00:51:57,130 --> 00:51:58,497 How did they die? 950 00:51:59,696 --> 00:52:00,497 I told you. 951 00:52:01,197 --> 00:52:01,996 Car crash. 952 00:52:04,629 --> 00:52:05,231 God. 953 00:52:06,596 --> 00:52:07,597 I was dead too. 954 00:52:08,795 --> 00:52:10,864 For 10 seconds. 955 00:52:12,030 --> 00:52:12,864 Really? 956 00:52:13,963 --> 00:52:15,794 What was it like? 957 00:52:15,796 --> 00:52:17,063 It was only 10 seconds. 958 00:52:18,297 --> 00:52:21,697 Yes, but what did it feel like? 959 00:52:24,629 --> 00:52:25,596 It felt like nothing. 960 00:52:26,663 --> 00:52:28,160 Literally nothing. 961 00:52:28,162 --> 00:52:29,697 A total empty void. 962 00:52:31,197 --> 00:52:32,031 Oh. 963 00:52:33,562 --> 00:52:34,596 My parents are dead too. 964 00:52:36,929 --> 00:52:38,660 Well, look at us. 965 00:52:38,662 --> 00:52:39,696 Two scarred orphans. 966 00:52:41,295 --> 00:52:42,497 They were crushed. 967 00:52:46,730 --> 00:52:47,664 Crushed? 968 00:52:49,930 --> 00:52:51,161 We went for ice cream. 969 00:52:52,963 --> 00:52:54,597 My parents were arm in arm, 970 00:52:56,963 --> 00:52:59,628 taking licks of each other's ice creams, 971 00:53:01,795 --> 00:53:02,563 laughing. 972 00:53:05,296 --> 00:53:06,630 So much in love. 973 00:53:10,229 --> 00:53:11,863 They didn't see the piano fall 974 00:53:22,197 --> 00:53:24,464 Mum was splattered all over the pavement. 975 00:53:26,830 --> 00:53:27,964 Dad was still alive. 976 00:53:29,562 --> 00:53:30,198 Dad, dad! 977 00:53:33,030 --> 00:53:36,864 He looked so surprised. 978 00:53:41,029 --> 00:53:41,864 Hold on, Dad! 979 00:53:43,262 --> 00:53:44,895 Come here, son. 980 00:53:44,897 --> 00:53:48,597 And I thought, "Oh my god, this is it. 981 00:53:52,530 --> 00:53:56,629 "At this moment, on the very edge of life, 982 00:53:57,596 --> 00:54:00,197 "he's about to give me its great secret." 983 00:54:05,762 --> 00:54:08,063 But he just died. 984 00:54:10,730 --> 00:54:11,661 That's... 985 00:54:11,663 --> 00:54:12,894 That's life's great trick, 986 00:54:12,896 --> 00:54:15,895 to make you think it'll last forever, 987 00:54:15,897 --> 00:54:18,597 that you might be the exception. 988 00:54:19,862 --> 00:54:23,563 That's what's so unbearable, when you realize 989 00:54:25,695 --> 00:54:26,529 that you're not. 990 00:54:30,062 --> 00:54:30,896 Let's do it. 991 00:54:32,262 --> 00:54:33,793 What? 992 00:54:33,795 --> 00:54:34,627 Kill ourselves. 993 00:54:34,629 --> 00:54:35,464 What, now? 994 00:54:36,662 --> 00:54:38,163 Yeah, why not? 995 00:54:40,663 --> 00:54:42,828 Why are we struggling on? 996 00:54:42,830 --> 00:54:44,860 I mean, for what purpose? 997 00:54:44,862 --> 00:54:49,063 Best to just kill ourselves now and get it over with. 998 00:54:52,062 --> 00:54:53,159 Up! 999 00:54:53,161 --> 00:54:53,996 Come on! 1000 00:54:58,662 --> 00:55:01,561 Though if there are reasons to live 1001 00:55:01,563 --> 00:55:04,661 I'm not sure we'll find them by killing ourselves. 1002 00:55:04,663 --> 00:55:06,496 Seems counter-intuitive. 1003 00:55:07,729 --> 00:55:10,561 I would think we would have a better chance by living. 1004 00:55:10,563 --> 00:55:13,060 Living as much as possible. 1005 00:55:13,062 --> 00:55:14,863 Doing as much as possible. 1006 00:55:15,962 --> 00:55:17,930 Before a piano falls on our heads. 1007 00:55:19,262 --> 00:55:20,828 But I'm sure you're right. 1008 00:55:20,830 --> 00:55:22,797 You have thought about it more than me. 1009 00:55:27,629 --> 00:55:28,529 On three? 1010 00:55:32,695 --> 00:55:33,529 One, 1011 00:55:36,562 --> 00:55:37,197 two, 1012 00:55:39,229 --> 00:55:40,061 three. 1013 00:56:00,295 --> 00:56:02,496 Your feet are so cold! 1014 00:56:08,563 --> 00:56:10,629 What've you got that for? 1015 00:56:14,595 --> 00:56:15,763 I'm gonna book the cruise. 1016 00:56:18,129 --> 00:56:20,628 I don't want to talk about it. 1017 00:56:20,630 --> 00:56:24,226 I know you're upset, but it's exciting. 1018 00:56:24,228 --> 00:56:26,827 The start of the rest of our lives. 1019 00:56:26,829 --> 00:56:28,561 The start of the end of our lives. 1020 00:56:28,563 --> 00:56:29,393 Oh, Les, that's a bit... 1021 00:56:29,395 --> 00:56:30,961 I just don't want to talk about it. 1022 00:56:30,963 --> 00:56:32,928 It's retirement, that's all. 1023 00:56:32,930 --> 00:56:34,564 But it means I'm useless. 1024 00:56:36,129 --> 00:56:39,528 Think of all the new experiences waiting for you. 1025 00:56:39,530 --> 00:56:40,828 You should learn to play golf. 1026 00:56:40,830 --> 00:56:41,660 Ugghh! 1027 00:56:41,662 --> 00:56:42,463 Golf is for... 1028 00:56:44,595 --> 00:56:45,426 I mean, look at this! 1029 00:56:45,428 --> 00:56:46,827 Look at this, do you remember this? 1030 00:56:46,829 --> 00:56:50,528 You gave this to me, Christmas, 1997. 1031 00:56:50,530 --> 00:56:53,661 Look, I was a the top of my game. 1032 00:56:53,663 --> 00:56:57,660 I had dominion over death itself. 1033 00:56:57,662 --> 00:56:58,496 And now? 1034 00:56:59,296 --> 00:57:01,464 I'm just waiting to die. 1035 00:57:02,663 --> 00:57:05,127 If I don't work, who am I? 1036 00:57:05,129 --> 00:57:05,964 What am I? 1037 00:57:07,295 --> 00:57:09,693 I mean, you must look at me sometimes and think, 1038 00:57:09,695 --> 00:57:11,760 "Where's the man I married?" 1039 00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:12,895 You're right. 1040 00:57:12,897 --> 00:57:15,126 You're not the man I married. 1041 00:57:15,128 --> 00:57:18,094 The man I married didn't wallow in self-pity. 1042 00:57:18,096 --> 00:57:20,860 He did things on his own terms. 1043 00:57:20,862 --> 00:57:22,661 I don't want to retire. 1044 00:57:22,663 --> 00:57:24,660 Not yet, I'm not ready. 1045 00:57:24,662 --> 00:57:25,694 Oh for god's sake! 1046 00:57:25,696 --> 00:57:26,530 Then don't. 1047 00:57:28,695 --> 00:57:30,528 I thought you wanted me to. 1048 00:57:30,530 --> 00:57:31,427 I do. 1049 00:57:31,429 --> 00:57:33,760 But not if you're going to be miserable. 1050 00:57:33,762 --> 00:57:35,727 I want you to want it too. 1051 00:57:35,729 --> 00:57:38,261 Yeah, but I can't, Harvey is... 1052 00:57:38,263 --> 00:57:39,761 You've got to show him. 1053 00:57:39,763 --> 00:57:43,159 Finish the contract and make your quota. 1054 00:57:43,161 --> 00:57:46,597 Show him you've still got the killer instinct. 1055 00:57:49,563 --> 00:57:50,163 Done! 1056 00:58:09,896 --> 00:58:13,059 Could you choose how to you wanted to die? 1057 00:58:13,061 --> 00:58:14,694 With Leslie? 1058 00:58:14,696 --> 00:58:15,827 Yeah. 1059 00:58:15,829 --> 00:58:16,959 Yes. 1060 00:58:16,961 --> 00:58:18,894 There were lots of options. 1061 00:58:18,896 --> 00:58:20,561 He had a brochure. 1062 00:58:20,563 --> 00:58:22,593 A brochure? 1063 00:58:22,595 --> 00:58:23,230 Yeah. 1064 00:58:24,595 --> 00:58:25,995 What did you choose? 1065 00:58:26,896 --> 00:58:29,193 Quick and painless. 1066 00:58:29,195 --> 00:58:32,094 I didn't want that, but it's all I could afford. 1067 00:58:32,096 --> 00:58:33,561 What did you want? 1068 00:58:33,563 --> 00:58:35,593 I wanted to be hit by a truck 1069 00:58:35,595 --> 00:58:37,629 after pushing a child out of the way. 1070 00:58:40,563 --> 00:58:42,160 What's wrong with that? 1071 00:58:42,162 --> 00:58:43,630 It's a bit extravagant. 1072 00:58:44,729 --> 00:58:46,528 I thought it was heroic. 1073 00:58:46,530 --> 00:58:47,329 It would mean something. 1074 00:58:48,729 --> 00:58:50,560 But it wouldn't be real, would it? 1075 00:58:50,562 --> 00:58:51,461 Well... 1076 00:58:51,463 --> 00:58:52,993 And what if you hadn't got there in time? 1077 00:58:52,995 --> 00:58:54,226 What do you mean? 1078 00:58:54,228 --> 00:58:55,361 If you hadn't got there in time. 1079 00:58:55,363 --> 00:58:57,593 If you misjudged the speed of the truck or something, 1080 00:58:57,595 --> 00:58:59,261 you'd put a child in danger 1081 00:58:59,263 --> 00:59:01,464 just so you could have your dream death? 1082 00:59:02,595 --> 00:59:05,293 Well, uh, I guess the child wouldn't be 1083 00:59:05,295 --> 00:59:06,361 in any real danger. 1084 00:59:06,363 --> 00:59:08,627 How could the child not be in any real danger 1085 00:59:08,629 --> 00:59:10,596 if it's about to be hit by a truck? 1086 00:59:13,262 --> 00:59:15,294 I don't know the details. 1087 00:59:15,296 --> 00:59:17,527 I guess the truck would be going quite slowly. 1088 00:59:17,529 --> 00:59:18,827 So you'd be saving a child 1089 00:59:18,829 --> 00:59:20,593 that's not really in any danger 1090 00:59:20,595 --> 00:59:22,563 from a truck going quite slowly. 1091 00:59:24,129 --> 00:59:26,627 On a scale of things that could be considered heroic, 1092 00:59:26,629 --> 00:59:29,029 I doubt that would score very highly. 1093 00:59:31,195 --> 00:59:32,694 Hmmmm, I dunno. 1094 00:59:32,696 --> 00:59:34,661 What were the other options? 1095 00:59:34,663 --> 00:59:36,463 Oh, you know. 1096 00:59:37,629 --> 00:59:40,729 Shot in the head, strangled, poisoned. 1097 00:59:41,961 --> 00:59:43,563 Anything more interesting? 1098 00:59:44,896 --> 00:59:46,896 Stung by a scorpion? 1099 00:59:48,096 --> 00:59:49,727 Melted in acid? 1100 00:59:49,729 --> 00:59:52,059 Drowned in slurry? 1101 00:59:56,096 --> 00:59:57,763 I've never met anyone like you. 1102 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,127 Now, see what you could've missed out on? 1103 01:00:02,129 --> 01:00:03,831 And it only gets better from here. 1104 01:00:10,062 --> 01:00:11,994 Did you take your pills? 1105 01:00:11,996 --> 01:00:13,093 You know what the doctor said. 1106 01:00:13,095 --> 01:00:14,661 I don't want you getting excited. 1107 01:00:14,663 --> 01:00:16,528 Yes love, don't worry. 1108 01:00:16,530 --> 01:00:17,860 What time is Clive coming? 1109 01:00:17,862 --> 01:00:18,794 He should've been here by now. 1110 01:00:18,796 --> 01:00:21,126 We have to register by 10. 1111 01:00:21,128 --> 01:00:24,694 You really think it's up to Southern Counties standard? 1112 01:00:24,696 --> 01:00:26,160 I'm not embarrassing myself? 1113 01:00:26,162 --> 01:00:27,794 Of course not. 1114 01:00:27,796 --> 01:00:30,527 I think it's up to national standard! 1115 01:00:30,529 --> 01:00:31,660 I wish you were coming. 1116 01:00:31,662 --> 01:00:33,261 I've made you some sandwiches. 1117 01:00:33,263 --> 01:00:34,728 And a flask of tea. 1118 01:00:34,730 --> 01:00:36,226 And I thought, well, 1119 01:00:36,228 --> 01:00:38,629 I thought this might come in handy. 1120 01:00:43,563 --> 01:00:45,660 Penelope O'Neil, 1121 01:00:45,662 --> 01:00:48,894 I don't think it is possible to love you any more than I do 1122 01:00:48,896 --> 01:00:49,860 right now. 1123 01:00:49,862 --> 01:00:51,761 And you'll be back tomorrow? 1124 01:00:51,763 --> 01:00:52,993 Yeah. 1125 01:00:52,995 --> 01:00:54,293 I'll do lamb cutlets for dinner. 1126 01:00:54,295 --> 01:00:56,193 Ahhh, my favorite! 1127 01:00:56,195 --> 01:00:57,661 Where are you going? 1128 01:00:58,296 --> 01:00:59,497 That'll be Clive. 1129 01:01:00,662 --> 01:01:01,693 Wish me luck! 1130 01:01:01,695 --> 01:01:02,664 Good luck. 1131 01:02:06,228 --> 01:02:07,728 See you tomorrow, boys 1132 01:02:58,062 --> 01:02:59,661 World's strongest man 1133 01:02:59,663 --> 01:03:02,060 and celebrity budgie fancier Geoff Capes 1134 01:03:02,062 --> 01:03:05,129 in the studio to discuss his recessive... 1135 01:03:32,195 --> 01:03:35,193 Now this, number three, has a lovely kaleidoscope. 1136 01:03:47,695 --> 01:03:48,696 Hello, is it on? 1137 01:03:50,262 --> 01:03:51,563 Hello, yes, that's better. 1138 01:04:07,296 --> 01:04:12,463 And in third place, number 14, Sue Simmons. 1139 01:04:12,996 --> 01:04:14,626 Well done, Sue! 1140 01:04:33,961 --> 01:04:35,792 And in second place, 1141 01:04:35,794 --> 01:04:40,293 not quite up to her usual all-conquering standard, 1142 01:04:40,295 --> 01:04:42,527 Morag Bleasdale! 1143 01:04:42,529 --> 01:04:44,593 So sorry, Morag. 1144 01:04:44,595 --> 01:04:45,959 Well done, Morag! 1145 01:04:45,961 --> 01:04:46,792 Beautiful work. 1146 01:04:50,862 --> 01:04:53,627 But as we all know its not the taking part, 1147 01:04:53,629 --> 01:04:55,560 it's the winning that counts. 1148 01:04:59,229 --> 01:05:01,994 So the winner of this year's Southern Counties 1149 01:05:01,996 --> 01:05:04,859 Binnual Needlework and Embroidery competition, 1150 01:05:04,861 --> 01:05:08,862 cushion category is, drum roll please. 1151 01:05:18,196 --> 01:05:19,463 Hello, William. 1152 01:05:23,695 --> 01:05:24,926 How did you... 1153 01:05:24,928 --> 01:05:26,895 I told you I was up to the job. 1154 01:05:28,061 --> 01:05:29,593 But everything has changed! 1155 01:05:29,595 --> 01:05:30,497 I don't want to die. 1156 01:05:33,928 --> 01:05:36,496 The irony is not lost on me. 1157 01:05:37,629 --> 01:05:38,629 Who are you talking... 1158 01:05:39,594 --> 01:05:40,627 Oh. 1159 01:05:40,629 --> 01:05:41,559 Oh, great! 1160 01:05:41,561 --> 01:05:43,294 Now I have to kill you both. 1161 01:05:43,296 --> 01:05:44,227 No! 1162 01:05:44,229 --> 01:05:45,827 Please, she won't say anything. 1163 01:05:45,829 --> 01:05:46,659 Will you? 1164 01:05:46,661 --> 01:05:47,496 She won't. 1165 01:05:48,561 --> 01:05:49,159 I might. 1166 01:05:49,161 --> 01:05:51,859 No, you won't! 1167 01:05:51,861 --> 01:05:55,860 Okay, well, ummm, you're definitely dying, 1168 01:05:55,862 --> 01:05:57,527 so let's get that out of the way first, 1169 01:05:57,529 --> 01:06:00,560 and then I can work out what to do with you. 1170 01:06:00,562 --> 01:06:03,528 So, um, have a good death. 1171 01:06:07,196 --> 01:06:08,592 Oh! 1172 01:06:08,594 --> 01:06:09,463 Sorry. 1173 01:06:20,161 --> 01:06:20,794 Oh. 1174 01:06:21,961 --> 01:06:23,660 Jesus, can't you turn it off? 1175 01:06:23,662 --> 01:06:25,060 Yes, I really have to take this. 1176 01:06:25,062 --> 01:06:25,859 Sure. 1177 01:06:25,861 --> 01:06:27,094 Go ahead. 1178 01:06:27,096 --> 01:06:29,293 It's only my life that we're dealing with here. 1179 01:06:30,528 --> 01:06:33,093 Hello, sweetheart? 1180 01:06:33,095 --> 01:06:35,626 Yes, uh, I'm sort of in the middle of something. 1181 01:06:35,628 --> 01:06:37,060 Oh, Les! 1182 01:06:37,062 --> 01:06:37,927 Something terrible's happened. 1183 01:06:37,929 --> 01:06:39,194 What? 1184 01:06:39,196 --> 01:06:40,462 Is this about the Southern Counties? 1185 01:06:43,096 --> 01:06:45,560 We've had a break in, Les. 1186 01:06:45,562 --> 01:06:47,563 There's papers everywhere. 1187 01:06:49,262 --> 01:06:52,528 And, Les, they've killed the budgies. 1188 01:06:53,195 --> 01:06:54,560 What? 1189 01:06:54,562 --> 01:06:55,629 Is everything okay? 1190 01:06:57,196 --> 01:07:00,527 They look like they've been crushed. 1191 01:07:00,529 --> 01:07:02,893 Ah, ah, all right, I have to go. 1192 01:07:02,895 --> 01:07:04,860 Oh Les, who would do this? 1193 01:07:04,862 --> 01:07:08,463 I'll work it out, but ah, I have to go. 1194 01:07:13,629 --> 01:07:15,462 Someone killed my budgies. 1195 01:07:18,629 --> 01:07:19,463 Budgies? 1196 01:07:20,694 --> 01:07:21,792 Mm-hmm 1197 01:07:21,794 --> 01:07:22,629 I'm sorry. 1198 01:07:25,761 --> 01:07:27,660 So, where were we? 1199 01:07:27,662 --> 01:07:28,959 Ah, yes! 1200 01:07:45,228 --> 01:07:47,159 Who the fuck are you? 1201 01:07:47,161 --> 01:07:48,593 Well, thanks. 1202 01:07:48,595 --> 01:07:50,529 That guy was going to kill us! 1203 01:07:52,695 --> 01:07:53,529 Oh. 1204 01:07:55,996 --> 01:07:56,830 What? 1205 01:08:00,629 --> 01:08:03,163 Now, you shoot yourself. 1206 01:08:04,561 --> 01:08:05,692 What? 1207 01:08:05,694 --> 01:08:07,159 Why would I want to do that? 1208 01:08:07,161 --> 01:08:08,559 Or I shoot her. 1209 01:08:08,561 --> 01:08:10,626 Don't bring me into this. 1210 01:08:10,628 --> 01:08:11,627 Okay, okay. 1211 01:08:11,629 --> 01:08:13,160 Let's not... 1212 01:08:13,162 --> 01:08:16,692 Wait, why do I have to shoot myself? 1213 01:08:16,694 --> 01:08:17,728 Why can't you do it? 1214 01:08:31,695 --> 01:08:32,562 For suicide. 1215 01:08:35,562 --> 01:08:37,027 You shot him 1216 01:08:37,029 --> 01:08:37,963 then you shot you. 1217 01:08:39,661 --> 01:08:40,529 I was never here. 1218 01:08:41,729 --> 01:08:43,563 Ah yeah, makes sense. 1219 01:08:44,528 --> 01:08:45,529 And you'll let her go? 1220 01:08:46,662 --> 01:08:49,026 Well then I have no incentive. 1221 01:08:49,028 --> 01:08:50,226 If you're going to kill her anyway, 1222 01:08:50,228 --> 01:08:51,163 okay, okay. 1223 01:08:53,263 --> 01:08:54,527 Wait a minute. 1224 01:08:54,529 --> 01:08:55,893 You shot him with that gun 1225 01:08:55,895 --> 01:08:58,229 so he can't shoot himself with this gun. 1226 01:09:01,694 --> 01:09:03,529 Yeah, she's got a point. 1227 01:09:06,528 --> 01:09:07,626 I don't understand. 1228 01:09:07,628 --> 01:09:10,628 You take this gun and then you give me that one. 1229 01:09:20,529 --> 01:09:22,260 Okay, now shoot. 1230 01:09:22,262 --> 01:09:23,093 Okay, Jesus! 1231 01:09:23,095 --> 01:09:24,595 Just let me, 1232 01:09:26,628 --> 01:09:27,759 oh God. 1233 01:09:27,761 --> 01:09:29,127 Will, what are you doing? 1234 01:09:29,129 --> 01:09:30,660 Five. 1235 01:09:30,662 --> 01:09:32,959 I just want you to know... 1236 01:09:32,961 --> 01:09:34,693 Four. 1237 01:09:34,695 --> 01:09:35,960 I just want you to know that ever since I met you 1238 01:09:35,962 --> 01:09:38,527 I haven't thought about killing myself once. 1239 01:09:38,529 --> 01:09:39,893 Three. 1240 01:09:39,895 --> 01:09:41,592 Thank you. 1241 01:09:41,594 --> 01:09:42,229 Two. 1242 01:09:43,794 --> 01:09:44,692 One. 1243 01:09:57,794 --> 01:09:59,629 You killed my budgies. 1244 01:10:10,962 --> 01:10:12,462 I think he's dead. 1245 01:10:13,562 --> 01:10:14,596 Yeah. 1246 01:10:15,828 --> 01:10:16,795 Are you okay? 1247 01:10:18,262 --> 01:10:21,130 Oh, it's only a, it's a flesh wound. 1248 01:10:24,628 --> 01:10:27,659 Well, I suppose we'd better get on with this! 1249 01:10:27,661 --> 01:10:28,960 Oh fuck. 1250 01:10:28,962 --> 01:10:30,726 What, but you just saved him! 1251 01:10:30,728 --> 01:10:31,659 So I can kill him. 1252 01:10:31,661 --> 01:10:32,592 It's my contract! 1253 01:10:32,594 --> 01:10:34,692 It's not legally binding! 1254 01:10:34,694 --> 01:10:36,693 Oh, you're not going to shoot me. 1255 01:10:36,695 --> 01:10:37,995 You can't even shoot yourself! 1256 01:10:40,227 --> 01:10:41,592 Oh, give it here. 1257 01:10:41,594 --> 01:10:42,660 Oh, this is getting ridiculous. 1258 01:10:42,662 --> 01:10:43,759 Put the gun down. 1259 01:10:43,761 --> 01:10:46,159 You will not shoot that gun. 1260 01:10:47,029 --> 01:10:47,829 Whoa, careful! 1261 01:10:51,195 --> 01:10:52,995 Put the gun down. 1262 01:10:55,595 --> 01:10:56,692 You put the gun down. 1263 01:10:56,694 --> 01:10:57,659 I'm not putting the gun down. 1264 01:10:57,661 --> 01:10:58,493 Why would I put the gun down? 1265 01:10:58,495 --> 01:10:59,859 If you're not putting your gun down 1266 01:10:59,861 --> 01:11:01,593 there's no way I'm gonna put this gun down. 1267 01:11:01,595 --> 01:11:03,896 Then let's just stand here until you bleed to death. 1268 01:11:05,228 --> 01:11:08,027 Leslie, I really appreciate all your efforts, 1269 01:11:08,029 --> 01:11:10,192 but could we just call this off? 1270 01:11:10,194 --> 01:11:11,526 If it's about the money, then... 1271 01:11:11,528 --> 01:11:13,027 It's not about the money. 1272 01:11:13,029 --> 01:11:13,928 Then what is it? 1273 01:11:15,095 --> 01:11:16,760 I understand that you have certain principles. 1274 01:11:16,762 --> 01:11:18,793 If I don't complete this contract by next week, 1275 01:11:18,795 --> 01:11:22,559 I won't make my quota. 1276 01:11:22,561 --> 01:11:23,795 And then I'll have to retire. 1277 01:11:26,529 --> 01:11:27,463 Yeah well, umm, 1278 01:11:28,996 --> 01:11:32,560 uh, no, the only way out of this is to, uh, 1279 01:11:32,562 --> 01:11:35,158 is to kill you both and then say I never saw him. 1280 01:11:35,160 --> 01:11:38,029 Maybe then I'll be able to keep my job. 1281 01:11:39,561 --> 01:11:44,562 If she puts her gun down, will you promise to let her go? 1282 01:11:46,795 --> 01:11:48,229 My contract is with you. 1283 01:11:56,829 --> 01:12:00,026 I wanted to die because I had nothing to live for. 1284 01:12:00,028 --> 01:12:01,862 And that's what I was trying to find. 1285 01:12:02,995 --> 01:12:03,895 And now I found it. 1286 01:12:07,561 --> 01:12:09,196 And that's got to be worth dying for. 1287 01:12:14,294 --> 01:12:16,059 You really think too much. 1288 01:12:18,961 --> 01:12:20,462 I want to thank you, Leslie. 1289 01:12:21,895 --> 01:12:24,626 You were there for me when I really needed someone, 1290 01:12:24,628 --> 01:12:27,195 even though you were trying to kill me at the time. 1291 01:12:28,227 --> 01:12:29,729 Yes, you're welcome, 1292 01:12:31,228 --> 01:12:33,760 but I still have to kill you. 1293 01:12:33,762 --> 01:12:35,026 Okay. 1294 01:12:35,028 --> 01:12:35,860 Wait! 1295 01:12:35,862 --> 01:12:36,894 Oh, Jesus Christ! 1296 01:12:36,896 --> 01:12:38,125 What? 1297 01:12:38,127 --> 01:12:39,593 What if we take out a contract? 1298 01:12:39,595 --> 01:12:40,226 What? 1299 01:12:40,228 --> 01:12:41,063 On who? 1300 01:12:42,628 --> 01:12:43,626 You mean on whom? 1301 01:12:43,628 --> 01:12:44,462 On whom? 1302 01:12:48,562 --> 01:12:50,693 Retrospectively? 1303 01:12:50,695 --> 01:12:51,495 Obviously. 1304 01:12:54,528 --> 01:12:58,560 Well, this is, uhh, utterly irregular. 1305 01:12:58,562 --> 01:12:59,960 Who's to know? 1306 01:12:59,962 --> 01:13:02,463 Then you'll have your contract and make your quota. 1307 01:13:03,629 --> 01:13:04,796 What about the money? 1308 01:13:06,029 --> 01:13:08,193 I've got 2,000 pounds in an escrow account 1309 01:13:08,195 --> 01:13:09,062 you could have. 1310 01:13:17,995 --> 01:13:19,996 Do you have any paper? 1311 01:13:21,562 --> 01:13:22,626 Yes! 1312 01:13:22,628 --> 01:13:24,029 Yes I do, I... 1313 01:13:33,028 --> 01:13:34,562 I don't need it. 1314 01:13:41,761 --> 01:13:43,463 We should take a look at that ear. 1315 01:13:44,628 --> 01:13:46,595 I've probably got some Savlon somewhere. 1316 01:14:11,695 --> 01:14:14,159 Wait, one thing I don't understand, 1317 01:14:14,161 --> 01:14:15,830 how did you know where we were? 1318 01:14:17,028 --> 01:14:19,760 Well, uh, there was a background check on you. 1319 01:14:19,762 --> 01:14:20,596 On? 1320 01:14:21,761 --> 01:14:23,126 There isn't a... 1321 01:14:23,128 --> 01:14:26,125 No, no, it wasn't you, it was for your boss. 1322 01:14:26,127 --> 01:14:28,829 Apparently he was very unpopular. 1323 01:14:30,194 --> 01:14:32,659 So he didn't die because of me? 1324 01:14:32,661 --> 01:14:33,760 Oh, yes he did. 1325 01:14:33,762 --> 01:14:36,162 But someone would have got to him sooner or later. 1326 01:14:37,562 --> 01:14:38,995 What are you going to do now? 1327 01:14:40,528 --> 01:14:42,596 I have an idea for a new book. 1328 01:14:43,694 --> 01:14:45,061 The main character at least. 1329 01:14:46,794 --> 01:14:48,462 You're a good man, William. 1330 01:14:49,629 --> 01:14:50,962 I'm glad I didn't kill you. 1331 01:14:52,060 --> 01:14:53,560 Thanks, Leslie. 1332 01:14:53,562 --> 01:14:55,193 I'm glad I didn't die. 1333 01:15:04,561 --> 01:15:05,628 Hello, what's this? 1334 01:15:08,594 --> 01:15:10,058 I was worried. 1335 01:15:10,060 --> 01:15:11,526 What happened? 1336 01:15:11,528 --> 01:15:13,529 Oh, you should see the other guy! 1337 01:15:15,261 --> 01:15:16,560 So? 1338 01:15:16,562 --> 01:15:17,992 So? 1339 01:15:17,994 --> 01:15:19,195 The Southern Counties? 1340 01:15:23,662 --> 01:15:24,860 Ah, first place! 1341 01:15:24,862 --> 01:15:25,926 You got first place? 1342 01:15:25,928 --> 01:15:26,925 Yep. 1343 01:15:26,927 --> 01:15:28,692 And Morag Bleasdale? 1344 01:15:28,694 --> 01:15:29,629 Second. 1345 01:15:30,562 --> 01:15:31,763 That's fantastic. 1346 01:15:33,662 --> 01:15:35,560 It's just the Southern Counties. 1347 01:15:35,562 --> 01:15:38,563 Ahhh, so now it's just the Southern Counties! 1348 01:15:39,695 --> 01:15:41,195 Oh, I am so proud of you. 1349 01:15:58,695 --> 01:16:00,696 Hello Penny, is Leslie home? 1350 01:16:19,895 --> 01:16:23,760 Penny, could you give me and Harvey a minute, please? 1351 01:16:23,762 --> 01:16:24,693 You sure? 1352 01:16:24,695 --> 01:16:25,929 Yes. 1353 01:16:28,562 --> 01:16:30,593 Midsomer Murders is on in a minute. 1354 01:16:37,829 --> 01:16:39,796 So, why are you here, Harvey? 1355 01:16:41,795 --> 01:16:42,629 You know. 1356 01:16:44,060 --> 01:16:44,894 No, I don't. 1357 01:16:45,861 --> 01:16:46,992 You know. 1358 01:16:46,994 --> 01:16:48,662 And I know you know. 1359 01:16:49,861 --> 01:16:50,763 I don't know. 1360 01:16:52,794 --> 01:16:55,225 Mr. Morrison is still alive. 1361 01:16:55,227 --> 01:16:56,061 Really? 1362 01:16:57,194 --> 01:16:59,159 And no one's heard from Ivan the terrible hitman. 1363 01:16:59,161 --> 01:17:03,592 Well, you can't trust these foreign kids, can you? 1364 01:17:03,594 --> 01:17:05,660 You should have asked me to do the job. 1365 01:17:05,662 --> 01:17:07,593 What do you take me for? 1366 01:17:07,595 --> 01:17:10,925 I'm not one of your senior fucking Alzheimer friends. 1367 01:17:10,927 --> 01:17:13,659 I'm actually a little bit impressed. 1368 01:17:13,661 --> 01:17:15,229 I didn't think you were up to it. 1369 01:17:16,228 --> 01:17:17,659 I told you. 1370 01:17:17,661 --> 01:17:19,527 Yeah, you did. 1371 01:17:19,529 --> 01:17:21,663 And I told you to take the fucking clock. 1372 01:17:25,694 --> 01:17:27,094 You don't have to do this. 1373 01:17:28,261 --> 01:17:30,125 Have a bit of fucking pride, eh? 1374 01:17:30,127 --> 01:17:31,663 No, I mean, um, 1375 01:17:35,227 --> 01:17:36,061 I mean this. 1376 01:17:37,662 --> 01:17:38,926 What is it? 1377 01:17:38,928 --> 01:17:40,592 It's a contract. 1378 01:17:40,594 --> 01:17:41,559 What? 1379 01:17:41,561 --> 01:17:42,159 On Ivan. 1380 01:17:42,161 --> 01:17:43,862 You must be fucking... 1381 01:17:50,160 --> 01:17:50,992 All right. 1382 01:17:50,994 --> 01:17:52,692 Where's the money? 1383 01:17:52,694 --> 01:17:54,959 I think you'll find two grand of Mr. Morrison's 1384 01:17:54,961 --> 01:17:56,627 in the escrow account. 1385 01:17:56,629 --> 01:17:57,826 But that was... 1386 01:17:57,828 --> 01:17:59,628 No, he's still alive so it's his money. 1387 01:18:00,794 --> 01:18:02,526 No, you can't take on new contracts! 1388 01:18:02,528 --> 01:18:03,660 You're retired. 1389 01:18:03,662 --> 01:18:05,093 I hadn't made my quota! 1390 01:18:05,095 --> 01:18:06,059 Now I have. 1391 01:18:06,061 --> 01:18:07,959 You're taking the piss. 1392 01:18:07,961 --> 01:18:11,992 Why can't you just retire like a normal fucking person? 1393 01:18:11,994 --> 01:18:13,195 I am an assassin. 1394 01:18:14,629 --> 01:18:17,862 That's what I do, and that's who I am. 1395 01:18:19,228 --> 01:18:20,929 You're a fucking dead man. 1396 01:18:26,628 --> 01:18:27,995 Ah, like that is it? 1397 01:18:31,228 --> 01:18:32,462 Under the table? 1398 01:18:33,927 --> 01:18:35,559 Right now? 1399 01:18:35,561 --> 01:18:37,228 Right now under the table? 1400 01:18:38,761 --> 01:18:39,596 Take a look. 1401 01:18:51,594 --> 01:18:52,628 Fuck. 1402 01:18:53,595 --> 01:18:56,496 Now, wait a sec, all right? 1403 01:19:07,995 --> 01:19:08,825 Leslie! 1404 01:19:08,827 --> 01:19:10,093 Please, Penny. 1405 01:19:10,095 --> 01:19:11,125 Hasn't Midsomer Murders started yet? 1406 01:19:11,127 --> 01:19:13,627 It was a bit grisly. 1407 01:19:13,629 --> 01:19:15,596 And I wanted to show Harvey my cushion. 1408 01:19:17,161 --> 01:19:22,162 I won first prize in the Southern Counties Biannual 1409 01:19:23,594 --> 01:19:26,792 Needlecraft and Embroidery competition, cushion class. 1410 01:19:26,794 --> 01:19:27,791 Oh yeah. 1411 01:19:27,793 --> 01:19:30,058 What are they supposed to be? 1412 01:19:30,060 --> 01:19:33,992 They're turtle doves, a mating pair. 1413 01:19:33,994 --> 01:19:38,192 Interesting thing about turtle doves is they mate for life. 1414 01:19:38,194 --> 01:19:41,759 They stay together, grow old together and when one dies, 1415 01:19:41,761 --> 01:19:45,062 the other one tends to die soon after. 1416 01:19:46,095 --> 01:19:48,528 They absolutely need each other. 1417 01:19:49,629 --> 01:19:50,563 Sweet really. 1418 01:19:52,827 --> 01:19:53,661 Huh. 1419 01:19:58,094 --> 01:20:01,560 Is that for Les? 1420 01:20:01,562 --> 01:20:02,958 Look at that! 1421 01:20:02,960 --> 01:20:03,895 Oh! 1422 01:20:04,927 --> 01:20:07,992 Isn't that something! 1423 01:20:07,994 --> 01:20:09,061 Les? 1424 01:20:09,894 --> 01:20:12,025 Isn't that something? 1425 01:20:12,027 --> 01:20:14,758 I think he's a bit scared of retirement. 1426 01:20:14,760 --> 01:20:17,593 But I said to him, it's exciting. 1427 01:20:17,595 --> 01:20:19,726 Time to enjoy himself, didn't I, Les? 1428 01:20:19,728 --> 01:20:22,058 The start of the rest of our lives. 1429 01:20:22,060 --> 01:20:23,495 Isn't that right, Les? 1430 01:20:24,861 --> 01:20:27,758 Is that right, Leslie? 1431 01:20:34,262 --> 01:20:36,058 Did I tell you? 1432 01:20:36,060 --> 01:20:37,691 We're going on a cruise! 1433 01:20:37,693 --> 01:20:38,826 'Round the whole world! 1434 01:20:38,828 --> 01:20:40,862 Cape Town, Sydney, 1435 01:20:41,794 --> 01:20:43,560 Nuku'Alofa. 1436 01:20:43,562 --> 01:20:44,196 Hmmm? 1437 01:20:45,060 --> 01:20:45,926 It's in Tonga. 1438 01:20:45,928 --> 01:20:47,626 Ah. 1439 01:20:47,628 --> 01:20:50,825 It's a trip of a lifetime, that's what they say. 1440 01:20:50,827 --> 01:20:53,929 Awww, thank you for this, Harvey. 1441 01:20:55,127 --> 01:20:57,092 It'll look perfect on the mantelpiece. 1442 01:20:57,094 --> 01:20:59,995 Isn't that kind of Harvey, Les? 1443 01:21:13,861 --> 01:21:15,529 Thank you, Harvey. 1444 01:21:24,529 --> 01:21:25,562 Anyway, 1445 01:21:28,593 --> 01:21:30,659 I'd best be off. 1446 01:21:30,661 --> 01:21:32,062 Leave you to your evening. 1447 01:21:33,227 --> 01:21:34,659 You not stopping for tea, Harvey? 1448 01:21:34,661 --> 01:21:35,892 We've got herbal. 1449 01:21:35,894 --> 01:21:37,595 No, no, you're all right. 1450 01:21:40,694 --> 01:21:42,029 Enjoy your retirement, Leslie. 1451 01:21:44,561 --> 01:21:45,762 We're sorry to lose you. 1452 01:21:48,693 --> 01:21:50,658 Send our love to Sandra. 1453 01:21:50,660 --> 01:21:51,495 Mmm. 1454 01:22:04,027 --> 01:22:05,859 I'm not sorry. 1455 01:22:05,861 --> 01:22:09,627 I know you loved your job, but it's not all you are. 1456 01:22:10,560 --> 01:22:12,692 At least not to me. 1457 01:22:15,261 --> 01:22:17,161 What would I do without you? 1458 01:22:19,560 --> 01:22:22,093 I'm just pleased I didn't have to stick him. 1459 01:22:38,060 --> 01:22:39,895 So, uh, did they like it? 1460 01:22:40,927 --> 01:22:42,293 Seemed to. 1461 01:22:42,295 --> 01:22:44,725 They love the assassin character. 1462 01:22:44,727 --> 01:22:46,527 And they want to meet you next week. 1463 01:22:47,660 --> 01:22:48,494 That's great. 1464 01:22:49,227 --> 01:22:50,825 You can make that? 1465 01:22:50,827 --> 01:22:53,627 Yes, I think I can make that. 1466 01:22:55,693 --> 01:22:58,694 So this living thing's really not that bad, is it? 1467 01:23:01,160 --> 01:23:02,158 Well, you never know when a piano 1468 01:23:02,160 --> 01:23:03,627 is going to fall on your head. 1469 01:23:15,694 --> 01:23:16,528 William! 1470 01:23:24,627 --> 01:23:25,461 William! 1471 01:23:29,528 --> 01:23:33,193 Call an ambulance, call an ambulance! 1472 01:23:33,195 --> 01:23:34,029 William! 1473 01:23:34,994 --> 01:23:36,161 Is, is he... 1474 01:23:38,694 --> 01:23:41,525 What, yes, yes, he's fine, he's fine. 1475 01:23:41,527 --> 01:23:42,962 You saved him. 1476 01:23:44,261 --> 01:23:44,894 What about you? 1477 01:23:46,561 --> 01:23:48,129 I've definitely felt better. 1478 01:23:49,660 --> 01:23:51,461 Here, lie down with me. 1479 01:24:01,261 --> 01:24:02,461 Are they clapping? 1480 01:24:06,527 --> 01:24:08,627 Yeah, they're clapping. 1481 01:24:14,195 --> 01:24:15,029 Perfect. 1482 01:25:15,184 --> 01:25:20,184 Subtitles by explosiveskull