1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,642 Do you guys mind recording a birthday message for my mum? 2 00:00:04,643 --> 00:00:06,106 Oh, yeah, OK. 3 00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:08,651 Yeah, if you come over here so that it's all... 4 00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:14,109 - OK and... - Do you not want to be in it? 5 00:00:14,110 --> 00:00:16,127 - Go! - Oh, hi. 6 00:00:16,128 --> 00:00:18,532 Hi, Clive's Mum, happy birthday. 7 00:00:18,533 --> 00:00:20,533 - Hi, Clive's Mum, happy birthday. - Hi. 8 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,923 - Have a good one. - Hope you're having a good day. 9 00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,039 Don't get too drunk. 10 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,079 - I hope you get a really nice present. - Yeah. 11 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:28,120 Cos that's what you would like. 12 00:00:28,121 --> 00:00:30,800 And all mums deserve that right, Clive's mum? 13 00:00:31,654 --> 00:00:34,200 - And hope Clive got you flowers. - And action. 14 00:00:35,475 --> 00:00:37,713 - Oh! - You weren't filming that? 15 00:00:37,714 --> 00:00:39,663 Happy birthday, Clive's Mum! 16 00:00:39,664 --> 00:00:41,984 (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) 17 00:01:00,959 --> 00:01:05,959 Subtitles by explosiveskull 18 00:01:06,102 --> 00:01:09,190 Today at Northend Airport the staff await their morning 19 00:01:09,191 --> 00:01:12,309 briefing with Chief Inspector Linda Proctor. 20 00:01:12,310 --> 00:01:15,602 It can sometimes be a subdued affair but today the agents 21 00:01:15,603 --> 00:01:17,623 are in for something of a shock. 22 00:01:17,624 --> 00:01:21,149 Morning! Morning, morning, morning, morning. 23 00:01:21,150 --> 00:01:22,709 Ah, there you go. 24 00:01:22,710 --> 00:01:25,789 Ha! What a beautiful morning it is too. 25 00:01:25,790 --> 00:01:28,599 - Look, I brought you all coffee. - Oh, well, oh... 26 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,679 You doing something different with your hair, Andy? 27 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,635 - No, no... - Well whatever it is, 28 00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:36,079 you're looking mighty fine! 29 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,200 Woo! OK, everyone, have a fantastic day. 30 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:43,159 What's with this? 31 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,639 Ah, I know, so bitter. 32 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:51,280 - No, this... that. - It's like she's been smoking the old PCP. 33 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,439 Maybe she just had a nice dream? 34 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:55,424 Didn't have any nightmares. 35 00:01:55,425 --> 00:01:57,959 Listen, I know you're all talking about me, 36 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:02,600 it's very simple I've... I've just been given the all clear. 37 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:16,240 Ah! Only joking! I've just given up the booze... just for a month. 38 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:24,479 I thought she was dying. 39 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,359 Yeah, so I've just decided to have a bit of a detox, you know, 40 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,999 give my liver a bit of a cleanse. 41 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,040 Stop looking at life through the golden telescope of Chablis. 42 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:37,799 Plus I woke up at the weekend in the shower at a Premier Inn, 43 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,160 covered in sick with my tights wrapped round my head! 44 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:48,879 I heard that once she got so drunk she woke up on the baggage 45 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,919 carrousel... at JFK Airport. 46 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:55,279 I heard that she'd wear two pairs of socks on a night out, 47 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,759 in case on her way home she needed a shite. 48 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,679 She would step into a doorway and use one of the pairs of socks. 49 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,719 Once she got so drunk she took a bin to school instead of her daughter. 50 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,559 She dressed it and everything. 51 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,919 Why doesn't she just use a packed of tissues? 52 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:13,239 I heard that once she got so drunk she woke up inside a beehive, 53 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:17,439 and she was the queen bee... So stupid, sorry. 54 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:23,440 I heard that she drank a bottle of wine... over dinner. 55 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,679 Oh, you want a real one, sorry. 56 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,879 Erm... no, they're too dark. 57 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,239 After the fun and games of their initial 58 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,759 reaction, Agents Church and Mansoor now take a moment to 59 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,039 seriously consider Proctor's newfound life goals. 60 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,959 So, erm, how long do you think she'll last? 61 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,839 - Oh, wait, what's the time? - You don't think she'll last a day? 62 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,519 - Not one day. - She'll last a month. 63 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,359 There's a reason that she started her dry month on the 25th. 64 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,766 She won't last until lunch, I can guarantee you. 65 00:03:51,767 --> 00:03:53,839 That's... I mean give the woman some credit. 66 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,279 Do you wanna make it interesting? 67 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,199 Fifty quid? 68 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,439 - Yeah? - A bet OK. 69 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,679 Or we, er, go up to London, 70 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:04,519 make a night of it... loser pays? 71 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,282 But how can we make a night of it if we have to get the last train home. 72 00:04:07,283 --> 00:04:08,877 We could just stay over. 73 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,799 Yeah, or we could just bet on the money instead. 74 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,359 Yeah just the cash, 75 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:18,531 - just the cold hard cash. - End of the month. 76 00:04:18,532 --> 00:04:20,611 - End of the day. OK. - OK. 77 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,186 One of the good things about Brexit is that we're seeing a return 78 00:04:27,187 --> 00:04:29,839 to the Great British workman. 79 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:33,199 Now I'm not anti-European, I love Lidl, and I think the Poles 80 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,919 are great, you know, they've all worked here in the 81 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,599 past and fantastically hard workers they are too. 82 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:43,200 But it is lovely to see a local tradesman like Barry. 83 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,854 - Huh, I'm from Manchester actually. - Yeah, well working class then. 84 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:50,039 Nah, my parents are both doctors. 85 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,850 - British though... - I'm actually half Spanish. 86 00:04:52,851 --> 00:04:55,319 OK. Sure, whatever. How's it coming along? 87 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,159 Yeah, it's still at the investigative stage. 88 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:01,479 Rough time scale? I've got a lot of women with crossed legs out there. 89 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,559 Difficult to say, there's a lot of imponderables. 90 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,559 - But definitely today? - Yeah, yeah, 91 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,160 unless it's tomorrow. 92 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,000 Right, well, do your best. 93 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,999 While Proctor struggles to deal with the handsome plumber, 94 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,079 at passport control Agent Brodie's about to encounter 95 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,799 plumbing complications of a different nature. 96 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,319 Oh... 97 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:32,519 Sorry, madam. 98 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,639 Are you attempting to travel on someone else's passport here 99 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,799 - cos...? - No, No. 100 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:42,639 The thing is your passport here it says Alec Barnes and well, 101 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,280 clearly you're not Alec Barnes. 102 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,199 It appears that Alicia Barnes is attempting to travel on a 103 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,519 passport belonging to her pre-transition identity Alec Barnes. 104 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,999 Shitting Norah. 105 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,359 Situation I'm in right now, 106 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:58,479 is fairly tricky. 107 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:02,359 I'm dealing with someone from the transgender community 108 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:07,919 and I have to be very, very careful how I go about this. 109 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:12,079 I have to do a couple of, erm, checks. 110 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:17,079 The whole Alec/Alicia interface thing. 111 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,640 Can I... can I get you anything? 112 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:22,840 Yes. 113 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:27,879 - You can get me a fucking lawyer. - Oh, my. 114 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,840 I was thinking more like a... like a cup of tea, 115 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:38,039 - or like a Hobnob. - Fuck's sake! 116 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:41,640 This is an infringement of my human rights. 117 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:48,199 It's just a biscuit. I wasn't thinking straight and I asked her 118 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,200 if she wanted a Hobnob, you know. 119 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,320 Out of all of the biscuits. 120 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:59,839 While Agent Brodie finds himself several miles out of his comfort zone, 121 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,839 Proctor has one clear goal. 122 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,559 To get the ladies toilets fixed. 123 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:04,839 Barry, how's it going? 124 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,919 - Oh, cracking on, yeah. - Found out what the problem is yet? 125 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:08,159 - Yep. - What is it then? 126 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,559 - I doubt you'd understand. - Try me, I did a DIY evening class. 127 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:15,879 - It's the ABS. - The ABS? 128 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,428 - The... - Acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. 129 00:07:18,429 --> 00:07:19,799 - Yes... - Which is? 130 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,455 - The... - ...Drainage pipe. Yeah... yes, 131 00:07:22,456 --> 00:07:25,119 - you could have just said drainage pipe. - You said you were an expert in plumbing. 132 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,039 I didn't really say I was an expert in plumbing, anyway how much longer? 133 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,848 Well, it's difficult I keep getting interrupted. 134 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,160 By who? 135 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,480 Right you are then. 136 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,039 Yeah, I'm doing really good, 137 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:44,559 it's only day one obviously but I feel much clearer in the head, 138 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,359 I feel like I can cope with anything. 139 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,519 I have given up drinking before. 140 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:53,120 For 9 months actually when I was pregnant and that was worth it. 141 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,999 Meanwhile Agent Church is confident that she might have 142 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:03,119 what it takes to gain the trust of Alicia Barnes until the situation can be resolved. 143 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,519 Hi, Alicia, this is my 144 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,679 colleague Andy Church. 145 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,287 - She's a woman so... - Yes. 146 00:08:11,288 --> 00:08:12,479 Hi, how are you? 147 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,959 Do you have any idea how disrespectful you people are being? 148 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,359 I understand how frustrating it can be. 149 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,599 My name's Andy so often people mistake me for a bloke as well. 150 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,119 Oh and that's the same is it? 151 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,467 I mean it's mainly in emails so I don't... 152 00:08:25,468 --> 00:08:27,759 That is in no way fucking equivalent! 153 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,119 Mmm, absolutely, yeah. 154 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:30,400 No, I... Yeah. OK. 155 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,950 - Andy? - Mmm, no, I've gotta... 156 00:08:34,951 --> 00:08:36,040 Andy... 157 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,079 Erm... In America, 158 00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,560 some girls are called Jamie. 159 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:48,599 Somewhat bruised from her encounter Agent Church heads to 160 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,519 baggage handling where she knows no one will ask her to do anything difficult. 161 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,400 Simple, yeah. Where the lychee at? 162 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,000 Watch this... 163 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,159 You ain't gonna get it you know. 164 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,200 Where the lychee at? 165 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,720 Yeah. I know, he always puts it in the middle every time. 166 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:13,519 OK, yeah, beginners luck and that innit? 167 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,319 Oh, where the lychee at? 168 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:18,120 Just stop putting it in the middle it's always in the middle. 169 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,106 You might stand a chance of fooling someone 170 00:09:22,107 --> 00:09:23,799 if you stop putting it in the middle. 171 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,479 I didn't even think I put it there that time. 172 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,079 - It's going round so fast. - Are you ready? 173 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:29,439 Bruv, I'll close my eyes and do it. Go on. 174 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,126 Don't close your eyes cos you won't know... 175 00:09:31,127 --> 00:09:32,160 Where's the lychee at? 176 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,440 It's in that one, cause I didn't put it in the middle. 177 00:09:35,441 --> 00:09:37,159 Why did you close your eyes? 178 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,119 - Yeah, but it's always in the middle? - It's not... 179 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,039 Back in the interview room Agent Brodie's trying to explain the 180 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:46,999 complexities of the case to Alicia Barnes as tactfully as he can. 181 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,439 So you left the UK on this passport? 182 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:53,119 Yes... and I transitioned in the States. 183 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,919 And you haven't travelled anywhere 184 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:56,719 - else on this passport? - No. 185 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:59,719 Cos you see, the problem here, that I have, 186 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:03,519 is that as it is Alec Barnes who left the UK... 187 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,319 Alec Barnes no longer exists! 188 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:10,079 I completely understand that, Alicia. 189 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,274 But maybe he could just exist for a few minutes 190 00:10:12,275 --> 00:10:14,559 in order for you to get through passport control. 191 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:15,719 I'm trying to help you out here. 192 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:20,239 I mean do you...? Do you have a...? 193 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,639 Do you still 194 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,480 have a...? Yeah. 195 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,440 Yeah. No... 196 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,079 No. Imagine if it was like... if we were in a 197 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,559 gameshow and it was like Stars In Your Eyes and I was like... 198 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:42,479 You were like "Oh, tonight, Grant, I'm gonna be..." 199 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,879 and then you went through and you came out and you were like 200 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:47,079 "Oh, I'm Alec Barnes," and then you just went straight 201 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,080 through passport control and then you were like, "I've won." 202 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,480 I'll just... 203 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,080 I'll... 204 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,840 Oh, I got you... It's not a Hob... It's a fudge. 205 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,000 I should have picked the Kit Kat. 206 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,680 ♪ We're taking over today! ♪ 207 00:11:21,093 --> 00:11:23,257 ♪ We're taking over today! ♪ 208 00:11:23,666 --> 00:11:27,328 You need to get right down. Yeah. And up. 209 00:11:27,329 --> 00:11:29,223 And up. 210 00:11:29,224 --> 00:11:33,024 And then one arm, and down, and up, and down. 211 00:11:34,584 --> 00:11:37,143 And up. OK, not so good with that one. 212 00:11:37,144 --> 00:11:40,183 Stand up. Right, let's 213 00:11:40,184 --> 00:11:41,783 see what your core's like. 214 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:44,144 Yeah, get down there, get your arms out. 215 00:11:45,224 --> 00:11:46,223 (PHONE RINGS) 216 00:11:46,224 --> 00:11:48,503 Yeah, Mum... 217 00:11:48,504 --> 00:11:50,384 Uh-huh. 218 00:11:52,614 --> 00:11:54,214 Erm... 219 00:11:55,294 --> 00:11:57,174 Hm... 220 00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,814 Ohhhhhh! 221 00:12:03,454 --> 00:12:05,253 Ohhhhhh! 222 00:12:05,254 --> 00:12:07,534 Aaargh! 223 00:12:10,334 --> 00:12:12,493 AAAARGH! 224 00:12:12,494 --> 00:12:15,853 - Hey, hey, hey. - AAAAH! 225 00:12:15,854 --> 00:12:17,773 Hey, you OK? 226 00:12:17,774 --> 00:12:21,253 - I thought you weren't gonna come back. - Hey, I'm back. 227 00:12:21,254 --> 00:12:23,373 - I thought that was it. - I'm back, it's OK. 228 00:12:23,374 --> 00:12:27,493 Despite today's challenges rapidly mounting, Proctor still 229 00:12:27,494 --> 00:12:30,373 maintains a teetotal cheery disposition. 230 00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:34,093 Agent Mansoor, who's bet that she'll fall off the wagon by the 231 00:12:34,094 --> 00:12:37,773 end of the day, is on hand to help with any work-related issues. 232 00:12:37,774 --> 00:12:40,133 How's the repairs to the ladies loo come along? 233 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,583 Yes, on schedule, yes. 234 00:12:41,584 --> 00:12:45,063 Yeah, it's just that I've got a lot of the women out here up in arms, 235 00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:48,103 you know. A lot of people out there blaming you, you know, 236 00:12:48,104 --> 00:12:51,783 getting a bit angry, "Typical Proctor fucking things up" is what I'm hearing. 237 00:12:51,784 --> 00:12:54,143 - Well, we can't have that! - Yeah. 238 00:12:54,144 --> 00:12:57,663 Agent Mansoor returns to his desk content in the knowledge that 239 00:12:57,664 --> 00:13:00,863 by keeping Proctor informed of the situation, he's made a 240 00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:03,943 valuable positive contribution. 241 00:13:03,944 --> 00:13:08,583 - Don't think I didn't see that. - She's not gonna make it till lunch, 242 00:13:08,584 --> 00:13:11,063 - such a shame. - That's loading the dice. 243 00:13:11,064 --> 00:13:13,503 With the ladies toilets not likely to 244 00:13:13,504 --> 00:13:15,063 be fixed any time soon, 245 00:13:15,064 --> 00:13:18,263 Proctor has come up with an elegant temporary solution. 246 00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:20,743 There you go, can't complain now, can they? 247 00:13:20,744 --> 00:13:24,383 No, no it's a good idea you know, we'll be like a forward-thinking, 248 00:13:24,384 --> 00:13:27,263 - modern tech company or something. Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, 249 00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:28,633 let's just drop all this 250 00:13:28,634 --> 00:13:30,463 - gender binary rubbish and... - Exactly. 251 00:13:30,464 --> 00:13:32,743 - Get with the 21st century. - Yeah. 252 00:13:32,744 --> 00:13:35,303 - Hey, guys. - Oh, hi, Clive, what do you think? 253 00:13:35,304 --> 00:13:37,383 - It's really cool. - Good, isn't it? 254 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:38,823 - Yeah, together. - Yeah, 255 00:13:38,824 --> 00:13:40,371 - yeah, that's the point, yeah. - Yeah. 256 00:13:40,372 --> 00:13:41,543 - Oh, we'll give you some... - Oh, 257 00:13:41,544 --> 00:13:44,343 you're still, yeah... I thought maybe use the cubicle... 258 00:13:44,344 --> 00:13:45,358 Oh, Andy can you look at something for me? 259 00:13:45,359 --> 00:13:46,343 Erm... 260 00:13:46,344 --> 00:13:48,251 - It's on my desk. - OK, yeah, that's fine. 261 00:13:48,252 --> 00:13:50,263 - Right. OK. - Thank you. 262 00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:52,624 Bye all. 263 00:14:00,704 --> 00:14:03,024 How do you guys always know what room to be in? 264 00:14:05,984 --> 00:14:08,823 With the unisex toilets an immediate success, 265 00:14:08,824 --> 00:14:11,823 Proctor checks in on Barry the charismatic plumber. 266 00:14:11,824 --> 00:14:13,625 - Where've you been? - Tea break. 267 00:14:13,626 --> 00:14:14,783 Another one? 268 00:14:14,784 --> 00:14:18,063 Research suggests a 20 minute tea break improves productivity by 17%. 269 00:14:18,064 --> 00:14:21,463 Oh yeah, it hasn't improved yours, it's the fourth tea break in two hours. 270 00:14:21,464 --> 00:14:24,263 I might have a vagina but don't treat me like a cunt. 271 00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:26,546 - What you saying? - What I wouldn't give for a Pole. 272 00:14:26,547 --> 00:14:27,263 What was that? 273 00:14:27,264 --> 00:14:29,388 Oh nothing, please just get on with your work! 274 00:14:29,389 --> 00:14:30,743 Did you just say you want a Polish plumber? 275 00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:32,903 - Yeah, maybe I did. - Well, why don't you go and find a Polish 276 00:14:32,904 --> 00:14:34,617 - plumber then because I'm done! - Maybe I will. 277 00:14:34,618 --> 00:14:35,463 Good... you do that! 278 00:14:35,464 --> 00:14:37,144 - Thank you, yes I will. - Well, good luck with it. 279 00:14:37,145 --> 00:14:38,143 Thank you very much, 280 00:14:38,144 --> 00:14:40,183 - good luck with your journey home. - Yeah, you too, 281 00:14:40,184 --> 00:14:42,303 - don't get stuck in traffic. - I won't! 282 00:14:42,304 --> 00:14:44,224 Do you know any Polish plumbers? 283 00:14:45,424 --> 00:14:48,663 In the interview room passenger Alicia Barnes is awaiting 284 00:14:48,664 --> 00:14:51,089 processing after being detained for travelling 285 00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:53,383 on her old pre-transition passport. 286 00:14:53,384 --> 00:14:56,103 There's two beetles inside the bottle... 287 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,703 Agent Brodie was already struggling to 288 00:14:58,704 --> 00:15:00,143 cope with the situation, 289 00:15:00,144 --> 00:15:02,863 but now to make matters worse Agent Hassler has 290 00:15:02,864 --> 00:15:04,783 wandered in unsupervised. 291 00:15:04,784 --> 00:15:07,914 I wasn't supposed to say they're in a bottle. 292 00:15:07,915 --> 00:15:10,543 What the fuck are you talking about? 293 00:15:10,544 --> 00:15:13,143 Sorry, it's been a bit of a weird day, 294 00:15:13,144 --> 00:15:16,183 apparently there's a transgender person in the airport. 295 00:15:16,184 --> 00:15:18,863 - Erm... - I mean 296 00:15:18,864 --> 00:15:22,103 it's not weird, but we're kind of like, "Whoa, what do we do?" 297 00:15:22,104 --> 00:15:23,394 What do you do? 298 00:15:23,395 --> 00:15:26,503 Speak to them, make them feel comfortable, 299 00:15:26,504 --> 00:15:28,263 not be like, "Ohh, what's that?!" 300 00:15:28,264 --> 00:15:29,801 - You know and pointing and laughing. - Clive... 301 00:15:29,802 --> 00:15:31,263 - Like a freak. - Yeah, 302 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,423 cos they might feel that they get treated like... 303 00:15:33,424 --> 00:15:34,143 Clive... 304 00:15:34,144 --> 00:15:36,423 - She's right. - Clive... 305 00:15:36,424 --> 00:15:39,943 Fortunately for Agent Brodie the cavalry is about to arrive. 306 00:15:39,944 --> 00:15:41,984 Oh, my God, Clive, come on. 307 00:15:43,064 --> 00:15:45,383 I...your phone, your phone's on. 308 00:15:45,384 --> 00:15:47,663 My phone, sorry. Lovely to meet you. 309 00:15:47,664 --> 00:15:50,064 - We'll finish this later. - Yes, great. 310 00:15:51,344 --> 00:15:52,344 Look after this one, OK? 311 00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:58,325 Erm... 312 00:15:58,326 --> 00:16:00,583 With the ladies toilets still out of action, 313 00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:03,663 it seems Polish plumbers are in short supply. 314 00:16:03,664 --> 00:16:07,264 Oh, hello. Could I speak to Andre Kawolesky, please? 315 00:16:08,784 --> 00:16:10,743 Yeah, he's gone back to Poland. 316 00:16:10,744 --> 00:16:13,703 OK, then what about his brother Jaromir? 317 00:16:13,704 --> 00:16:17,024 However, Proctor is about to be offered an unlikely solution. 318 00:16:19,864 --> 00:16:20,908 Yeah, Proctor! 319 00:16:20,909 --> 00:16:22,543 - 'Sup. - Hello. 320 00:16:22,544 --> 00:16:25,503 Er, listen we heard on the... What's it called, bruv? 321 00:16:25,504 --> 00:16:27,863 - Grapevine. - On the grapevine, thank you, Suji, 322 00:16:27,864 --> 00:16:29,823 that you are in need of a plumber, is that right? 323 00:16:29,824 --> 00:16:33,477 - Yeah, do you know one? - We're experts in servicing pipes, 324 00:16:33,478 --> 00:16:34,103 you understand what I'm saying? 325 00:16:34,104 --> 00:16:35,983 I did all the pipes in my house and that. 326 00:16:35,984 --> 00:16:38,423 Yeah, ceiling pipes, floor pipes... 327 00:16:38,424 --> 00:16:40,263 - Stairs as well. - Stair pipes, 328 00:16:40,264 --> 00:16:42,223 - I did all them, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Really? 329 00:16:42,224 --> 00:16:44,863 Well, that would be... I mean that would be absolutely incredible 330 00:16:44,864 --> 00:16:46,418 if you could help. I would be so grateful. 331 00:16:46,419 --> 00:16:48,119 Anything for you, P, yeah, yeah, yeah. 332 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:49,065 Great. 333 00:16:50,424 --> 00:16:52,624 Oh, right, yes. 334 00:16:55,344 --> 00:16:58,063 - There you go. Lovely. - We'll get on that straight away, yeah? 335 00:16:58,064 --> 00:17:00,063 Thank you so much, much appreciated guys. 336 00:17:00,064 --> 00:17:01,663 - Thank you, Proctor. - Brilliant. 337 00:17:01,664 --> 00:17:05,343 As Mo and Suj head off to grab their tools and service the pipes in the ladies, 338 00:17:05,344 --> 00:17:09,143 Agent Brodie is using all of his people skills to keep the 339 00:17:09,144 --> 00:17:12,063 simmering Alicia Barnes from boiling over. 340 00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:13,463 Listen, Gimli. 341 00:17:13,464 --> 00:17:15,752 You're gonna go out there and get me the paperwork I need 342 00:17:15,753 --> 00:17:18,663 so I can get out of this place. 343 00:17:18,664 --> 00:17:21,663 And you can fuck off back to the mines of Mordor or 344 00:17:21,664 --> 00:17:26,063 whatever fucking hole you came from you irritating little hobbit. 345 00:17:26,064 --> 00:17:27,824 Go on, do one! 346 00:17:30,664 --> 00:17:32,424 Fucking hell. 347 00:17:34,784 --> 00:17:37,543 Gimli's a fucking dwarf, he's not a fucking hobbit. 348 00:17:37,544 --> 00:17:41,383 Struggling now, Agent Brodie decides this is way above his pay grade. 349 00:17:41,384 --> 00:17:42,783 - Linda... - I was just getting 350 00:17:42,784 --> 00:17:44,263 rid of that, er, yes, what can I... 351 00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:47,295 You're gonna have to go in there and deal with her because 352 00:17:47,296 --> 00:17:48,183 I'm at the end of my tether. 353 00:17:48,184 --> 00:17:50,143 Look it's quite simple, Grant, 354 00:17:50,144 --> 00:17:52,703 all you have to do is follow procedure and stay calm, OK? 355 00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:55,263 You've done the training, you've been on the courses. 356 00:17:55,264 --> 00:17:56,943 Yeah, I've done the training, 357 00:17:56,944 --> 00:17:59,343 been on the courses but nothing can prepare you for... 358 00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:02,623 - I'm telling you now she's feisty, Linda. - For God's sake I'll do it myself. 359 00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:05,623 Honestly, if you want to do anything you have to do it yourself round here. 360 00:18:05,624 --> 00:18:07,556 - I'm waiting here. - If you want anything done, 361 00:18:07,557 --> 00:18:08,863 ask a busy woman. 362 00:18:08,864 --> 00:18:14,423 Cos all the men are too busy being intimidated, God's sake, feisty. 363 00:18:14,424 --> 00:18:18,863 Right... Fuck this travesty, fuck this office! 364 00:18:18,864 --> 00:18:23,384 Fuck all of your fucking assistants and fuck you! 365 00:18:25,904 --> 00:18:28,504 Yeah, she's... she's feisty. 366 00:18:31,864 --> 00:18:34,943 Just got this lovely bottle of Brunello in duty free... 367 00:18:34,944 --> 00:18:36,424 Oh, you're not drinking! 368 00:18:41,283 --> 00:18:43,400 That's entrapment. 369 00:18:43,401 --> 00:18:44,752 Really? 370 00:18:44,753 --> 00:18:49,263 With all of the agents now desperate to avoid antagonising Alicia further, 371 00:18:49,264 --> 00:18:54,303 Agent Brodie takes a few minutes before re-entering with a warm, placating smile. 372 00:18:54,304 --> 00:18:56,783 So, how did you get on with my superior? 373 00:18:56,784 --> 00:18:59,944 - I need the fucking loo. - All right, yep, yep, come with me. 374 00:19:01,904 --> 00:19:04,864 You see, here it is, that's er... 375 00:19:06,544 --> 00:19:09,263 - Er, I want to use the ladies. - Ah, it's broked. 376 00:19:09,264 --> 00:19:11,976 - Well, fix it. - We are on to that Ms Barnes. 377 00:19:11,977 --> 00:19:12,943 In the meantime if you 378 00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:15,423 - could just use this one. - I'm not using the gents, 379 00:19:15,424 --> 00:19:17,973 - I'm not a man. - No, it's not the gents, it's unisex. 380 00:19:17,974 --> 00:19:23,223 Yeah, it's unisex. It has a perfect harmony of male and of the female. 381 00:19:23,224 --> 00:19:25,853 - It's unisex. - Do you think sticking up 382 00:19:25,854 --> 00:19:28,383 a hand written sign is gonna fool me? 383 00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:29,587 - Do you think I'm a fucking idiot? - No. 384 00:19:29,588 --> 00:19:31,346 - No. - Don't patronise me. 385 00:19:34,544 --> 00:19:36,743 Fuck this! You people are unbelievable. 386 00:19:36,744 --> 00:19:39,184 My lawyer's going to have an absolute field day with you! 387 00:19:40,384 --> 00:19:44,172 - Oh... - It's Acrylonitrile butadiene styrene... 388 00:19:44,173 --> 00:19:45,474 Yeah, I know that. 389 00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:47,863 - But that's not your problem. - Well, what's the problem? 390 00:19:47,864 --> 00:19:51,145 - Tell her Suji. - Yeah, we're not plumbers. 391 00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:52,703 - We ain't plumbers. - God! 392 00:19:52,704 --> 00:19:54,663 Excuse me. 393 00:19:54,664 --> 00:19:57,023 After an unusually cheerful start for Proctor, 394 00:19:57,024 --> 00:19:58,663 it's been a trying day. 395 00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:01,383 With no resolution to the issue of the broken toilets. 396 00:20:01,384 --> 00:20:02,744 OK, fine. 397 00:20:03,864 --> 00:20:07,263 However, back in the interview room, Agent Brody finally has 398 00:20:07,264 --> 00:20:10,104 some progress to report on the Alicia Barnes case. 399 00:20:12,384 --> 00:20:15,183 Good news, Alicia. 400 00:20:15,184 --> 00:20:18,584 I've got your documentation here, so you're good to go. 401 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:25,484 You know where you're going? 402 00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:28,789 But it seems she found her own solution to the plumbing problem. 403 00:20:28,790 --> 00:20:31,070 I pissed in your bin. 404 00:20:32,721 --> 00:20:34,761 Funny... 405 00:20:39,074 --> 00:20:41,393 Oh, she's... 406 00:20:41,394 --> 00:20:48,081 She, erm, well, she really did, she pissed in the bin. 407 00:20:49,139 --> 00:20:53,623 Erm... yeah, I'm gonna get rid of this, I think. 408 00:20:53,624 --> 00:20:55,983 Carrying Alicia's parting gift, 409 00:20:55,984 --> 00:20:59,824 Agent Brodie heads to the much maligned unisex toilet. 410 00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:07,810 - Is that? - A bucket of piss? 411 00:21:08,537 --> 00:21:09,803 Yes. 412 00:21:09,804 --> 00:21:11,684 Some people, eh? 413 00:21:16,578 --> 00:21:17,450 I don't have £50 on me. 414 00:21:17,451 --> 00:21:20,104 - Well, I can escort you to the cashpoint. - Yeah, OK. Fine. 415 00:21:20,105 --> 00:21:22,614 As delicately as possible, 416 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:25,232 Agent Brodie finishes clearing Alicia Barnes from Northend Airport. 417 00:21:29,886 --> 00:21:31,947 - Night, Linda. - Night, Grant. 418 00:21:31,948 --> 00:21:34,257 Subtitles by explosiveskull