1
00:00:14,629 --> 00:00:15,496
[sighs]
2
00:00:15,521 --> 00:00:17,588
So... thanks again, guys.
3
00:00:17,623 --> 00:00:19,190
This... this was a real lifesaver.
4
00:00:19,225 --> 00:00:21,658
Don't even mention it, dude. Anytime.
5
00:00:21,693 --> 00:00:24,294
No, I would've been homeless,
6
00:00:24,329 --> 00:00:27,330
- so you really saved me.
- Russell: Dude, listen,
7
00:00:27,365 --> 00:00:29,432
I'm sorry, but, like,
I'd have you stay longer,
8
00:00:29,467 --> 00:00:31,802
but, you know, my cousin's coming
to town. You know how that is.
9
00:00:31,837 --> 00:00:34,039
Don't mention it. Family...
family first. I get it.
10
00:00:34,064 --> 00:00:35,665
- Russell: Peace out, man.
- Bye.
11
00:00:36,341 --> 00:00:39,608
- Russell: Oh!
- Every time.
12
00:00:39,643 --> 00:00:41,453
- You're gonna miss that, aren't you?
- I am.
13
00:00:41,478 --> 00:00:43,011
I left my key on the tub.
14
00:00:43,031 --> 00:00:44,364
Thank you. See you, Pete.
15
00:00:46,702 --> 00:00:47,767
[door closes]
16
00:00:56,377 --> 00:00:57,710
Did he buy it?
17
00:00:57,745 --> 00:00:59,411
I do not care.
18
00:01:01,516 --> 00:01:04,282
That guy sucks.
19
00:01:04,318 --> 00:01:07,119
- ♪
♪
- [people chattering]
20
00:01:11,224 --> 00:01:14,291
[line rings]
21
00:01:14,327 --> 00:01:15,960
- [line clicks]
- Hello?
22
00:01:17,296 --> 00:01:19,531
- Artie?
- Artie [on phone]: Uh, Pete!
23
00:01:19,566 --> 00:01:21,198
Hey, what's up, man?
24
00:01:21,234 --> 00:01:22,734
Artie: Hey, what's
going on with you, man?
25
00:01:22,769 --> 00:01:23,835
I haven't seen you since Albany.
26
00:01:23,870 --> 00:01:25,403
You were holding coke for me up there.
27
00:01:25,438 --> 00:01:27,738
I... I'm sorry, man.
28
00:01:27,773 --> 00:01:31,008
That woman was gonna
take you down a dark path.
29
00:01:31,043 --> 00:01:33,010
I... I had to intercept.
30
00:01:33,045 --> 00:01:36,254
- I... I thwarted you. I'm...
- Artie:You thwarted me?
31
00:01:36,682 --> 00:01:40,651
Yeah, I'm sorry. I... I
thought maybe you're mad?
32
00:01:40,686 --> 00:01:42,786
Artie: Mad? Are you kidding
me? I'm proud of ya.
33
00:01:42,821 --> 00:01:44,120
I mean, I thought you... I dunno.
34
00:01:44,156 --> 00:01:46,392
Listen, she was all right
looking. Did you fuck her?
35
00:01:46,634 --> 00:01:48,691
It was the craziest night of my life.
36
00:01:48,726 --> 00:01:51,493
I... I got pepper-sprayed
by that woman,
37
00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:54,697
then we went back to her
place, she gave me cocaine,
38
00:01:54,732 --> 00:01:57,132
and I pretended to do cocaine.
39
00:01:57,168 --> 00:01:58,968
[both laughing]
40
00:02:00,538 --> 00:02:03,504
Sorry. Is someone...
Is someone else there?
41
00:02:03,909 --> 00:02:06,541
I... Okay, hold on. Wait.
You were pepper-sprayed
42
00:02:06,577 --> 00:02:08,333
and then, um...
43
00:02:08,358 --> 00:02:10,511
like, how do you pretend to do cocaine?
44
00:02:11,476 --> 00:02:13,512
You hold the cocaine up to your face,
45
00:02:13,537 --> 00:02:15,007
but you blow out instead of sucking in.
46
00:02:15,032 --> 00:02:16,270
[on phone] Sorry, who is this?
47
00:02:16,294 --> 00:02:17,686
Well, listen, man,
you're on my podcast,
48
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,487
- and that's Sarah Silverman.
- Hi, Peaches.
49
00:02:20,522 --> 00:02:21,892
Artie, you...
50
00:02:21,917 --> 00:02:23,467
Hi, Sarah.
51
00:02:23,993 --> 00:02:25,225
Big fan.
52
00:02:25,260 --> 00:02:27,995
I wanna hear more about this
story. This is a good story.
53
00:02:28,030 --> 00:02:29,396
Yeah, yeah, get over here, man.
54
00:02:29,431 --> 00:02:31,465
We'll... we'll fuck
around on the air.
55
00:02:31,928 --> 00:02:35,668
You... You want me to come on
your podcast with Sarah Silverman?
56
00:02:35,704 --> 00:02:37,503
- [laughing]
- Yeah, yeah, come on down.
57
00:02:37,538 --> 00:02:39,438
Sarah, if I can just say
that Wreck-It Ralph is
58
00:02:39,474 --> 00:02:41,040
maybe one of my favorite movies...
59
00:02:41,076 --> 00:02:43,175
Definitely one of my
favorite movies of all time...
60
00:02:43,211 --> 00:02:44,711
All right, whatever. Okay, great.
61
00:02:44,746 --> 00:02:46,145
Hello?
62
00:02:47,682 --> 00:02:48,881
Okay.
63
00:02:48,917 --> 00:02:51,417
Sarah: I was already a comedian
when I lost my virginity.
64
00:02:51,452 --> 00:02:53,418
I was 19, but, you know, it was...
65
00:02:53,453 --> 00:02:56,822
True story. I lost my
virginity to a Brazilian hooker
66
00:02:56,857 --> 00:02:59,290
in the back of my father's handicap van.
67
00:02:59,326 --> 00:03:02,027
No lie. It was in the
parking lot of a diner.
68
00:03:02,062 --> 00:03:03,996
- Sarah: Sounds so right.
- Artie: I miss her.
69
00:03:04,031 --> 00:03:06,832
I actually miss her. Now, Pete,
have you lost your virginity yet?
70
00:03:06,867 --> 00:03:08,466
I have had sex with a woman, my wife.
71
00:03:08,502 --> 00:03:09,857
Artie: Oh, your wife.
72
00:03:09,883 --> 00:03:11,402
On our wedding night.
That's when I lost my virginity.
73
00:03:11,437 --> 00:03:12,770
Your wedding night. You waited.
74
00:03:12,805 --> 00:03:15,973
Yeah, well... yes. It's in the Bible
not to have sex before marriage.
75
00:03:16,009 --> 00:03:18,575
- It is?
- Pete: So, we would like dry-hump and...
76
00:03:18,611 --> 00:03:20,811
Oh my God, I miss dry-humping.
77
00:03:20,847 --> 00:03:22,046
Artie: Me too. I miss the third grade.
78
00:03:22,081 --> 00:03:25,916
Dry-humping's romantic. It's
like a friction-based cum.
79
00:03:25,952 --> 00:03:27,212
- [laughs] That's right.
- Please.
80
00:03:27,237 --> 00:03:30,120
Well, if you love dry-humping,
you'll be happy to know
81
00:03:30,155 --> 00:03:33,123
that it's very big in
the Christian community...
82
00:03:33,158 --> 00:03:36,492
Well into your late 20s. Oh my
God, when I was six and seven,
83
00:03:36,528 --> 00:03:39,896
I was so slutty with the
furniture in my house.
84
00:03:39,931 --> 00:03:43,899
I... I felt guilty. I thought I was
cheating with the corner of my bed
85
00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:46,001
- with the corner of the couch.
- [laughter]
86
00:03:46,037 --> 00:03:50,139
I'm just saying, we were very
"wait till marriage" people,
87
00:03:50,174 --> 00:03:52,340
- and so...
- But that's just a loophole.
88
00:03:52,376 --> 00:03:53,542
If you're not supposed to have sex,
89
00:03:53,577 --> 00:03:56,879
and then you're just grinding
and creaming your jeans...
90
00:03:56,914 --> 00:03:59,782
- Artie: Really, yeah.
- ...you think you're tricking God?
91
00:03:59,817 --> 00:04:04,085
"You better be cumming in
your pants and not having sex."
92
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,287
- That... that is how absurd it is.
- "That's important to me."
93
00:04:06,322 --> 00:04:09,724
- Artie: Think about it.
- Sex is a special thing when you wait
94
00:04:09,759 --> 00:04:11,592
and you've only done
it with that person. I don't...
95
00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:14,528
You didn't have oral sex before marriage
even?
96
00:04:14,564 --> 00:04:19,132
Well... one time, but that's when
I knew we were gonna get married.
97
00:04:19,168 --> 00:04:21,668
- Right.
- She gave me a blow job...
98
00:04:21,704 --> 00:04:23,469
- Artie: Oh, great.
- ...and instead of enjoying it,
99
00:04:23,505 --> 00:04:26,339
I swear, I was like, "Maybe August."
100
00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:28,274
- Like I was planning...
- "Maybe August" for what?
101
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:29,710
- That's so romantic.
- To get married,
102
00:04:29,745 --> 00:04:30,779
because I knew I was only...
103
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,478
Oh! You were thinking about centerpieces
104
00:04:32,514 --> 00:04:33,980
- while you were getting a blow job?
- Yes!
105
00:04:34,016 --> 00:04:35,514
It was like an engagement blow job.
106
00:04:35,549 --> 00:04:38,217
You know what's a great blow job?
A divorce blow job is a great blow job.
107
00:04:38,252 --> 00:04:40,285
- Oh really?
- Yeah. 'Cause it's not from your wife.
108
00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:42,421
- Well...
- [laughter]
109
00:04:43,891 --> 00:04:46,425
♪ ♪
110
00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:50,162
Great live comedy tonight, guys.
111
00:04:50,198 --> 00:04:52,496
We've got a great live comedy
show. Great live comedy.
112
00:04:52,532 --> 00:04:56,968
Great live comedy. Great
live comedy tonight, 8:30.
113
00:05:02,308 --> 00:05:03,908
Great live com... Hey. Oh.
114
00:05:03,944 --> 00:05:05,710
Hey! I know this guy!
115
00:05:05,746 --> 00:05:08,079
Sorry, I didn't... Obviously,
I didn't recognize you.
116
00:05:08,115 --> 00:05:09,713
- My friend Pete.
- Yeah.
117
00:05:09,749 --> 00:05:12,515
- The podcast. Podcast Pete.
- From just hours ago.
118
00:05:12,551 --> 00:05:14,551
I'm honored. Nice to see ya.
119
00:05:14,586 --> 00:05:16,120
- What are you doing?
- I didn't recognize you.
120
00:05:16,155 --> 00:05:18,822
I'm... I'm handing out fliers
for the Boston. I'm barking.
121
00:05:18,858 --> 00:05:21,391
Oh, you're barking. That's
your... you got a job barking.
122
00:05:21,426 --> 00:05:23,693
- That's good.
- Well, yeah, I mean,
123
00:05:23,729 --> 00:05:26,362
I do it for stage time.
If I get five people,
124
00:05:26,397 --> 00:05:28,264
they let me go on at
the end of the night...
125
00:05:28,299 --> 00:05:29,773
if anyone's still there.
126
00:05:29,798 --> 00:05:31,333
You don't have a job.
How do you make money?
127
00:05:31,369 --> 00:05:33,569
- [chattering]
- Great live comedy, guys.
128
00:05:33,604 --> 00:05:36,105
I'm kind of in-between jobs right now.
129
00:05:36,141 --> 00:05:40,342
I'm flying below the radar,
staying on couches, you know.
130
00:05:40,378 --> 00:05:42,145
I eat a lot of free samples.
131
00:05:43,613 --> 00:05:45,747
I eat 75-cent hot dogs,
132
00:05:45,783 --> 00:05:48,817
- then I get a lot of free toppings.
- Oh, you're homeless.
133
00:05:48,852 --> 00:05:50,852
- What's that?
- You're homeless.
134
00:05:50,888 --> 00:05:53,388
- No. No.
- Do you have a home?
135
00:05:53,423 --> 00:05:56,457
- No. But, you know...
- So, you're homeless.
136
00:05:56,493 --> 00:05:59,543
Not all those who wander
are lost, you know?
137
00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:01,329
I... You know, I stay
on people's couches.
138
00:06:01,354 --> 00:06:02,487
Where are you staying tonight?
139
00:06:02,512 --> 00:06:04,665
I don't have anything
lined up for today,
140
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:08,102
but, you know, after the
show, I send out little feelers
141
00:06:08,137 --> 00:06:11,138
and, "Hey, what
neighborhood do you live in?"
142
00:06:11,174 --> 00:06:14,541
Which train do you take?"
And then I befriend them.
143
00:06:14,576 --> 00:06:16,177
I can't. It's so sad. This is so sad.
144
00:06:16,212 --> 00:06:18,744
And then at the end of the night,
I have a pillow.
145
00:06:18,780 --> 00:06:20,250
[sighs] All right.
146
00:06:20,275 --> 00:06:23,516
I feel like homeless people are...
147
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,618
- [sighs]
- It's another category.
148
00:06:26,445 --> 00:06:28,289
When you're done tonight,
149
00:06:28,323 --> 00:06:30,824
go here. You can stay at my place.
150
00:06:30,859 --> 00:06:33,859
- What? Really?
- Yeah.
151
00:06:35,196 --> 00:06:37,084
I... Wow, thank you.
152
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:40,199
You know, I'm kind of in
a weird place, emotionally.
153
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,434
I don't know if we should be...
154
00:06:42,469 --> 00:06:44,837
- staying...
- I'm not gonna fuck you.
155
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:47,706
I'm excited that you
have that much moxie.
156
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,108
Maybe you can get your
shit together after all.
157
00:06:50,144 --> 00:06:51,909
- I misread the...
- Jesus Christ.
158
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,285
Ask for Steve. He might fuck you.
159
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,314
Thank you, Sarah!
160
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:59,317
Uh, we got a... we got
a... We got a place to stay.
161
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:00,451
Great live comedy. Ha!
162
00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:02,753
Come see me at 1:15 a.m. tonight.
163
00:07:03,532 --> 00:07:06,390
I think if birds knew how
many dumb names we call them,
164
00:07:06,425 --> 00:07:08,591
they'd take down a lot more planes.
165
00:07:08,626 --> 00:07:11,895
Right? Just get all the birds together
166
00:07:11,930 --> 00:07:13,830
take out a bunch of planes.
167
00:07:13,866 --> 00:07:15,198
What... What is going on?
168
00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:16,632
Nobody showed up.
169
00:07:17,541 --> 00:07:18,474
Nobody?
170
00:07:19,002 --> 00:07:20,337
There was a guy here earlier,
171
00:07:20,372 --> 00:07:23,139
but he saw what was
happening, and he left.
172
00:07:24,243 --> 00:07:28,043
So, what, do we just
cancel everything? No show?
173
00:07:28,509 --> 00:07:30,812
Well, he's got a really funny new bit
174
00:07:30,848 --> 00:07:32,848
that he's work... Working out right now.
175
00:07:32,884 --> 00:07:35,650
Yeah, I barked for four
hours. Can I have this?
176
00:07:38,155 --> 00:07:40,890
[clears throat] Has anybody
seen Mr. Robot?
177
00:07:43,059 --> 00:07:45,159
- Anaya: Yes. Yes.
- Just say yes so that...
178
00:07:46,029 --> 00:07:47,695
I wish it was called Mrs. Robot
179
00:07:47,730 --> 00:07:50,331
and it was about the maid
from The Jetsons.
180
00:07:51,801 --> 00:07:52,908
[Anaya chuckles]
181
00:07:53,870 --> 00:07:55,536
That's gotta be fleshed out.
182
00:07:55,571 --> 00:07:57,638
♪ ♪
183
00:08:13,055 --> 00:08:14,354
- [beeps]
- [on intercom] Hello?
184
00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:18,024
- Steve: Hello?
- Hi. Sorry. Is this Steve?
185
00:08:18,059 --> 00:08:19,591
Steve: Who's asking?
186
00:08:19,627 --> 00:08:21,360
This is... This is Pete?
187
00:08:22,046 --> 00:08:24,015
Steve: Is... is that a question?
188
00:08:24,799 --> 00:08:27,099
- What?
- Are you asking me if your name is Pete?
189
00:08:27,135 --> 00:08:29,501
No, this is Pete. Like,
I was being polite.
190
00:08:29,537 --> 00:08:31,370
- [on intercom] Hi, Pete.
- Hi.
191
00:08:31,406 --> 00:08:34,739
I'm a friend of Sarah, um,
well, not really a friend.
192
00:08:34,774 --> 00:08:37,508
[door buzzes]
193
00:08:42,182 --> 00:08:45,583
Hey, so, um, I stay
upstairs, in the guest room.
194
00:08:45,618 --> 00:08:47,577
You can take the couch,
195
00:08:47,602 --> 00:08:49,587
because Dave's got sciatica
and sleeps on the floor.
196
00:08:49,622 --> 00:08:51,521
There's laundry downstairs.
197
00:08:51,557 --> 00:08:54,058
I'm assuming you're gonna
wanna do that right away.
198
00:08:54,093 --> 00:08:56,827
If there's anything in the
dryer of mine, you can fold it.
199
00:08:57,756 --> 00:08:59,997
- Hey. Who's this?
- Oh, Dave, this is...
200
00:09:00,032 --> 00:09:01,932
- Hey, I'm Pete, Sarah's friend.
- Pete.
201
00:09:01,968 --> 00:09:03,434
Did you bring a toothbrush?
202
00:09:03,469 --> 00:09:05,302
- What?
- Did you bring a toothbrush?
203
00:09:06,339 --> 00:09:08,371
I... Yes, I have a toothbrush.
204
00:09:08,406 --> 00:09:09,723
Well, good, because a lot of people
205
00:09:09,748 --> 00:09:11,341
come here, they don't bring a toothbrush,
206
00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:14,844
then I go in there, and I see
my toothbrush is a little amiss,
207
00:09:14,879 --> 00:09:17,213
but I can't be sure, so I touch it.
208
00:09:17,248 --> 00:09:19,548
It's damp to the touch,
but I'm still not sure.
209
00:09:19,584 --> 00:09:21,584
So, if you could leave
yours on the counter,
210
00:09:21,619 --> 00:09:23,619
it would really put me at ease.
211
00:09:23,654 --> 00:09:26,355
- Put it on the counter.
- I can do that.
212
00:09:26,390 --> 00:09:29,124
So, Sarah's letting you stay here too?
213
00:09:29,159 --> 00:09:30,358
Yeah, that's right.
214
00:09:31,128 --> 00:09:33,462
Weren't you on her TV
show? I mean, that...
215
00:09:34,062 --> 00:09:36,264
Yeah, that was, like, six years ago, man.
216
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:38,433
- [cabinet closes]
- What happened to you?
217
00:09:38,469 --> 00:09:41,935
Oh, she feels bad. I'm
going through a divorce,
218
00:09:41,971 --> 00:09:44,271
- so I'm kinda floating around.
- Steve: All right.
219
00:09:44,307 --> 00:09:45,672
Do you have a nut allergy?
220
00:09:46,308 --> 00:09:47,975
- No.
- Okay, 'cause we're about to make
221
00:09:48,011 --> 00:09:49,443
PB and J's for the week.
222
00:09:49,479 --> 00:09:51,879
We go through them really fast.
223
00:09:51,914 --> 00:09:53,280
Are you a white or a wheat guy?
224
00:09:53,316 --> 00:09:55,449
- Steve.
- We're out of white bread.
225
00:09:55,485 --> 00:09:56,783
[sighs]
226
00:09:57,987 --> 00:10:00,220
- Fuck.
- Wheat's fine.
227
00:10:00,255 --> 00:10:02,955
- He's a wheat guy.
- Ah! Wheat it is!
228
00:10:02,991 --> 00:10:04,557
[faucet running]
229
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:15,467
...they come in. In a note
that we got several years ago,
230
00:10:15,503 --> 00:10:17,836
from a little boy
only known by "Jason,"
231
00:10:17,871 --> 00:10:20,305
and he wrote with a crayon,
"Thank you for the PJ’s.
232
00:10:20,341 --> 00:10:21,907
They're the first
I've ever owned."
233
00:10:21,942 --> 00:10:23,542
All sizes of pajamas are needed,
234
00:10:23,577 --> 00:10:27,346
but especially larger
sizes... 10, 12, and 14,
235
00:10:27,381 --> 00:10:30,249
also adult sizes for teenagers.
236
00:10:30,284 --> 00:10:33,984
For more information,
head to pajamaprogram.org.
237
00:10:35,255 --> 00:10:36,987
[sighs]
238
00:10:40,193 --> 00:10:42,226
[door opens]
239
00:10:43,629 --> 00:10:45,796
- Hey.
- Sarah: Hey!
240
00:10:45,831 --> 00:10:48,399
- Pete: I made it.
- You made it.
241
00:10:48,442 --> 00:10:50,604
- Oh my God, thank you so much for this.
- [Sarah chuckles]
242
00:10:50,629 --> 00:10:52,635
This is incredible.
Your house is amazing.
243
00:10:52,671 --> 00:10:54,471
Isn't it fancy? Hey, guys.
244
00:10:54,506 --> 00:10:57,274
- 'Sup?
- Did you meet Steve and Davey boy?
245
00:10:57,309 --> 00:10:59,509
Yup. They gave me the lay of the land.
246
00:11:00,371 --> 00:11:02,478
Okay. What's your plan?
247
00:11:03,315 --> 00:11:05,648
I don't really have a plan. Do
you wanna watch a movie or...
248
00:11:05,684 --> 00:11:09,452
No. You're welcome to
stay here. I just...
249
00:11:09,487 --> 00:11:11,454
If you're not working towards a plan,
250
00:11:11,489 --> 00:11:13,551
I can't... I can't...
I... You can't stay here,
251
00:11:13,576 --> 00:11:14,367
Right.
252
00:11:14,392 --> 00:11:16,525
because I just...
I've already ruined Steve.
253
00:11:16,561 --> 00:11:19,267
He's ruined, and I can't
have three of these.
254
00:11:19,292 --> 00:11:20,303
[laughs]
255
00:11:20,328 --> 00:11:22,663
Oh no, I... I have a
plan. I... I'm on a track.
256
00:11:22,688 --> 00:11:23,532
Good.
257
00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:26,934
I'm getting up every
night, doing a lot of stand-up.
258
00:11:26,970 --> 00:11:28,954
I'm going at it hard.
259
00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:30,938
Great. But you make
260
00:11:30,974 --> 00:11:34,976
- zero dollars at stand-up.
- Yeah. That's not how I make my money.
261
00:11:35,011 --> 00:11:37,145
Oh. Okay, how do you make your money?
262
00:11:37,180 --> 00:11:39,314
I was married, as you know,
263
00:11:39,349 --> 00:11:43,183
so up until very recently,
my wife was supporting me.
264
00:11:43,219 --> 00:11:45,919
And, you know, I got
married when I was 22,
265
00:11:45,954 --> 00:11:48,522
so for the first 22,
my mom supported me.
266
00:11:50,993 --> 00:11:53,960
So, it was mom, and then wife,
267
00:11:53,996 --> 00:11:55,564
and now...
268
00:11:56,272 --> 00:12:00,032
How are you gonna afford, like...
269
00:12:00,398 --> 00:12:04,870
a place to live or a laptop or insurance
270
00:12:04,905 --> 00:12:07,440
or, like, be able to go to the dentist?
271
00:12:07,475 --> 00:12:11,511
You have to go to the dentist.
You have to floss every single day.
272
00:12:11,546 --> 00:12:14,079
- Really?
- Death creeps in through the gums.
273
00:12:14,115 --> 00:12:17,682
I always thought that was
a lie started by Big Floss.
274
00:12:19,286 --> 00:12:23,361
[laughs] That's funny. You're an idiot.
275
00:12:23,386 --> 00:12:25,390
Yeah. No, that's...
Those are the jokes I like.
276
00:12:25,425 --> 00:12:28,627
I like clean, silly. I just
want everyone to have a fun time.
277
00:12:28,662 --> 00:12:30,462
You'd be a great warm-up!
278
00:12:30,497 --> 00:12:33,063
- What do you mean?
- You should be a warm-up comedian.
279
00:12:33,098 --> 00:12:35,366
What... Is that like a... what?
280
00:12:35,401 --> 00:12:38,502
Like, you know how they shoot all
different shows in New York City?
281
00:12:38,538 --> 00:12:40,337
Some of them have live audiences.
282
00:12:40,373 --> 00:12:42,039
Oh, the guy that tells everyone to clap?
283
00:12:42,074 --> 00:12:44,708
Exactly. He's the
comedian that comes out,
284
00:12:44,743 --> 00:12:47,344
tells some jokes, have dance
contests with the audience,
285
00:12:47,380 --> 00:12:50,313
just anything to kind of
entertain them in between shots.
286
00:12:50,348 --> 00:12:52,649
- I could do that. I... Yeah, all right.
- Yes.
287
00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:53,794
They get paid?
288
00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:55,244
[Sarah speaks emphatically] They get paid.
289
00:12:55,269 --> 00:12:58,488
It's so steady, and then you
can still do stand-up at night.
290
00:12:58,523 --> 00:13:01,357
- [stammers] Where do I sign?
- I know.
291
00:13:01,393 --> 00:13:02,758
I mean, I would do that in a heartbeat.
292
00:13:02,794 --> 00:13:05,364
I know a couple of TV shows that
shoot in this city.
293
00:13:05,395 --> 00:13:07,637
Hey, excuse me.
I've lived here for three months,
294
00:13:07,665 --> 00:13:10,098
and you haven't once tried
to get me a warm-up gig.
295
00:13:10,513 --> 00:13:13,368
That's right, Steve. And
that's because the one time
296
00:13:13,404 --> 00:13:15,637
I set you up with a
meeting with a producer,
297
00:13:15,673 --> 00:13:18,507
you tried to fuck her,
and it was super smarmy.
298
00:13:18,542 --> 00:13:21,410
I didn't try to fuck her.
She tried to fuck me...
299
00:13:21,445 --> 00:13:23,077
- and succeeded.
- Dave: Ooh.
300
00:13:23,112 --> 00:13:24,679
Steve: She did have some big ol' titties.
301
00:13:24,714 --> 00:13:26,947
Oh yeah. [mimics squirt, slurp]
302
00:13:26,982 --> 00:13:30,518
[mutters]
This is a prison of my own design.
303
00:13:30,553 --> 00:13:32,520
- [slurping] [gargles]
- [laughs]
304
00:13:32,555 --> 00:13:35,456
♪ ♪
305
00:13:39,595 --> 00:13:41,561
I don't want to waste your
time, so I'll be direct.
306
00:13:41,597 --> 00:13:43,830
We already have a warm-up guy,
but Sarah says you're funny,
307
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:47,133
- so it can't hurt to have you on-call.
- Like an understudy.
308
00:13:47,168 --> 00:13:48,468
Call it that if you want.
309
00:13:48,503 --> 00:13:50,903
I'm excited for whatever. I'm
a really big fan of the show.
310
00:13:50,939 --> 00:13:52,180
Okay, just a heads up.
311
00:13:52,205 --> 00:13:53,640
Our warm-up guy is not gonna
be happy you're here.
312
00:13:53,675 --> 00:13:55,308
He's a little intense,
so whatever you do,
313
00:13:55,344 --> 00:13:56,875
- don't tell him why you're here.
- What should I say?
314
00:13:56,910 --> 00:13:59,053
Schmitty, could you
please let me know
315
00:13:59,078 --> 00:14:01,247
if there are disabled
people in the audience?
316
00:14:01,282 --> 00:14:02,748
I can't keep going out there blind!
317
00:14:02,783 --> 00:14:06,585
If there's anything irregular about
the audience, you need to tell me.
318
00:14:06,621 --> 00:14:08,220
- I can't not know these things.
- Okay.
319
00:14:08,256 --> 00:14:10,088
Would it kill you if
there... You could tell me
320
00:14:10,124 --> 00:14:13,158
there are two rows of people
that don't speak fucking English!
321
00:14:13,193 --> 00:14:14,892
Or people in wheelchairs!
322
00:14:14,927 --> 00:14:17,528
I'm telling people to get up
and dance, and they can't get up!
323
00:14:17,564 --> 00:14:18,896
- Copy that.
- Mort: Yeah, you say that,
324
00:14:18,931 --> 00:14:21,899
but you don't fucking copy anything.
I want to see you write it down.
325
00:14:21,934 --> 00:14:26,371
Copy this down. Tell me when
there are people in the crowd
326
00:14:26,406 --> 00:14:29,707
that have a disability
or are from fucking Spain!
327
00:14:31,176 --> 00:14:33,910
- What's this?
- This is Pete. He'll be doing warm-up
328
00:14:33,945 --> 00:14:36,045
if you ever have to
miss a day. Fill him in.
329
00:14:37,349 --> 00:14:40,384
"Miss a day"? Does
Rachael know about this?
330
00:14:40,419 --> 00:14:42,852
Schmitty, is this coming from Rachael?
331
00:14:43,264 --> 00:14:46,356
Is this coming from Ray? Fuck!
332
00:14:46,392 --> 00:14:50,526
- How about a hand for the birthday girl?
- [cheers, applause]
333
00:14:50,561 --> 00:14:53,128
- What's your name, sweetheart?
- Gwen.
334
00:14:53,164 --> 00:14:56,031
- Gwen. And you're 29 years old today?
- [laughter]
335
00:14:56,066 --> 00:14:59,101
You look fantastic. And what are
you gonna do on this special day?
336
00:14:59,136 --> 00:15:00,903
Coming to see Rachael Ray!
337
00:15:00,938 --> 00:15:03,238
[cheers, applause]
338
00:15:03,274 --> 00:15:06,174
Yeah, that's great. Oh!
339
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,777
Okay, you're a beautiful crowd.
340
00:15:08,812 --> 00:15:10,512
Now, you see we've got a big studio here,
341
00:15:10,547 --> 00:15:13,981
so I need you to fill it with your
love and laughter and applause.
342
00:15:14,017 --> 00:15:16,651
Ready? Three, two, one!
343
00:15:16,687 --> 00:15:18,753
[cheers, applause]
344
00:15:18,789 --> 00:15:21,488
Who wants Kit Kats, huh? Yeah!
345
00:15:21,524 --> 00:15:24,057
Who likes Kit Kats? There you go!
346
00:15:24,092 --> 00:15:27,194
All right, keep calm! Ladies
and gentlemen, here she is!
347
00:15:27,229 --> 00:15:29,396
Rachael Ray! ♪ ♪
348
00:15:29,432 --> 00:15:33,166
♪ Candy girl, you
are my world ♪
349
00:15:33,202 --> 00:15:35,336
- ♪ Look so sweet ♪
- Hi, everybody!
350
00:15:35,371 --> 00:15:38,071
Oh, sit down. Sit down, please.
351
00:15:38,106 --> 00:15:40,272
Whoo! Fucking animals.
352
00:15:40,308 --> 00:15:42,975
[mockingly] "It's my birthday.
I came to see Rachael Ray."
353
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,811
They give me nothing to work with.
354
00:15:44,846 --> 00:15:46,165
You're taking notes?
355
00:15:46,190 --> 00:15:48,113
Yeah, I'm just writing down some of
the things you say.
356
00:15:48,138 --> 00:15:51,682
Oh, Jesus, dude. Don't... You're
staring at me, you're taking notes.
357
00:15:51,838 --> 00:15:53,619
They offered you the job, right?
358
00:15:53,655 --> 00:15:55,454
I swear, nobody said anything
359
00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:57,440
about me taking your job. I'm
just gonna fill in...
360
00:15:57,465 --> 00:15:58,166
Oh God.
361
00:15:58,191 --> 00:16:00,892
...if you're ever, you
know, sick or can't make it.
362
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,461
I'm training my own replacement.
363
00:16:02,496 --> 00:16:05,263
They're handing me a
shovel to dig my own grave.
364
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,699
- [Rachael speaking indiscernibly]
- I can't believe this.
365
00:16:07,735 --> 00:16:10,201
I promise, nobody promised me your job.
366
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:13,571
I'm just here to observe. Maybe
I'll do warm-up for another show.
367
00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:16,240
Oh yeah, for another show,
and so you take my shit
368
00:16:16,275 --> 00:16:18,242
that I've been working
on for fucking years,
369
00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:20,310
and you steal it and go to another show.
370
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:23,013
Nobody owns, "Who's from far away?"
371
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:25,983
Nobody owns, "Any birthdays here?"
372
00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:28,085
These are free... Free for everyone.
373
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,286
How did you get in here,
really? How did you get in here?
374
00:16:30,321 --> 00:16:32,555
- I was referred by a friend.
- Who?
375
00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:34,239
- A comedian.
- Who?
376
00:16:34,659 --> 00:16:37,560
- Sarah Silverman referred me.
- Sarah Silverman?
377
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:39,496
- I just met her.
- Holy God.
378
00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:42,331
These people are medieval.
They're squeezing me out of a job.
379
00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:45,702
No! Sarah Silverman. Oh, did
Seinfeld drive you over here
380
00:16:45,737 --> 00:16:48,303
in one of his little fancy
cars, drinking coffee?
381
00:16:49,075 --> 00:16:50,305
I get the reference, but no.
382
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:53,842
I mean, if you're gonna fire me,
at least let me ass-fuck an intern.
383
00:16:53,878 --> 00:16:56,545
That's unbelievable. This is bullshit.
384
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:59,782
- [cheers, applause]
- Hey! Isn't she wonderful?
385
00:16:59,817 --> 00:17:03,818
Rachael Ray! Tony, hit
me with that beat, baby.
386
00:17:03,853 --> 00:17:06,788
- ♪
♪
- Yeah. Come on, put your hands together.
387
00:17:06,823 --> 00:17:10,124
Oh, I'm gonna moonwalk. Whoa!
388
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:12,660
All right, we are back, guys.
389
00:17:12,695 --> 00:17:15,897
Big finish to the show
today. My husband John
390
00:17:15,932 --> 00:17:17,097
- is joining me in the kitchen.
- Hello.
391
00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:20,000
If you guys watch, then you
know what time that means it is.
392
00:17:20,036 --> 00:17:21,468
- Time for you to start drinking.
- That's right.
393
00:17:21,503 --> 00:17:24,065
We're gonna make a cocktail with
Johnny, our mixologist.
394
00:17:24,090 --> 00:17:26,339
Sorry, sorry. Sorry, Rachael. We're
just having audio issues.
395
00:17:26,374 --> 00:17:28,909
If you can just go see
Freddy, it'll be five minutes.
396
00:17:28,944 --> 00:17:30,944
I'm sorry, you guys.
We're gonna take a fiver.
397
00:17:30,979 --> 00:17:32,814
Honey, why don't you come with me?
398
00:17:32,846 --> 00:17:34,393
- Sounds like a good idea.
- We'll be right back.
399
00:17:34,674 --> 00:17:36,742
- ♪
♪
- Five, maybe seven minutes.
400
00:17:36,753 --> 00:17:38,961
- They're gonna have to rewire Rachael.
- Fuck!
401
00:17:38,986 --> 00:17:41,020
Okay, could you just calm down
and go do your job?
402
00:17:41,057 --> 00:17:42,457
Excuse me? Calm down?
403
00:17:42,492 --> 00:17:43,959
Schmitty, you've been riding my ass
404
00:17:43,983 --> 00:17:45,592
for two months, ever since Rory left.
405
00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:47,762
- Then bring in this motherfucker?
- [sighs]
406
00:17:47,797 --> 00:17:50,064
- Can you just...
- Watching me, taking notes.
407
00:17:50,099 --> 00:17:51,966
Take the fucking Mic and do your job.
408
00:17:52,001 --> 00:17:54,235
♪ Got sum mo'hitz in tha oven mane ♪
409
00:17:54,270 --> 00:17:56,136
♪ That Memphis, Tennessee
be gettin' it in! ♪
410
00:17:56,171 --> 00:17:59,072
♪ Baby, baby, bring it back, ooh, ooh ♪
411
00:17:59,107 --> 00:18:01,742
- ♪ Baby, baby, bring it back ♪
- Hey, everybody.
412
00:18:01,777 --> 00:18:05,646
- People: Hey.
- Hey. We're having some, uh,
413
00:18:05,681 --> 00:18:08,047
a little difficulty,
little technical problems.
414
00:18:08,083 --> 00:18:10,016
It'll be up in a minute, but...
415
00:18:11,186 --> 00:18:13,753
I got some coupons from Omaha steaks.
416
00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:17,657
- [cheers, applause]
- Huh?
417
00:18:17,692 --> 00:18:21,827
Yeah. Yeah. Y'all wanna win some meat.
418
00:18:21,862 --> 00:18:24,463
- Don't you? Yeah.
- [laughter]
419
00:18:24,499 --> 00:18:27,166
Of course. Of course you do.
420
00:18:27,676 --> 00:18:29,734
That's all you care about. Prizes.
421
00:18:30,552 --> 00:18:33,237
"Let's get something.
Let's grab something.
422
00:18:33,273 --> 00:18:35,407
Throw me a fucking Kit Kat bar."
423
00:18:36,264 --> 00:18:38,142
You're just like every other American.
424
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:40,632
All they want is something to eat and
425
00:18:40,656 --> 00:18:42,613
something to fuck, and they're happy.
426
00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:46,082
Do you have any idea what's
going on in the world?
427
00:18:46,118 --> 00:18:47,990
Any idea?
428
00:18:48,015 --> 00:18:50,354
"No! Just let me have my steak!"
429
00:18:50,816 --> 00:18:52,556
You just sit there and flap your flippers
430
00:18:52,591 --> 00:18:55,826
every time you see the fish
bucket, you fucking morons.
431
00:18:55,861 --> 00:18:58,195
Can we get security?
Security now, please.
432
00:18:58,230 --> 00:19:00,664
Look at you, sitting on your asses,
433
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:02,432
standing in line at the Apple store.
434
00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:04,399
You know they're gonna
have the same product
435
00:19:04,424 --> 00:19:06,202
next week, but no,
you gotta have it now!
436
00:19:06,237 --> 00:19:08,270
You gotta have it now! And by the way,
437
00:19:08,306 --> 00:19:10,206
leave your children alone, okay?
438
00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:13,209
Let 'em fucking fail.
They're not gonna peak at 12.
439
00:19:13,244 --> 00:19:16,979
And stop taking pictures
with your fucking iPhones!
440
00:19:17,014 --> 00:19:18,781
That's bullshit. Don't touch me, guys!
441
00:19:18,817 --> 00:19:20,716
- Don't touch me!
- Woman: Come on, get him outta here!
442
00:19:20,751 --> 00:19:22,751
And you know when I said
you were a great audience?
443
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,520
- I lied. You're a shitty audience.
- Come with us, please.
444
00:19:26,009 --> 00:19:29,658
And, Gwen, nobody gives a
fuck about your birthday.
445
00:19:29,693 --> 00:19:30,755
Man: Let's go. Right now.
446
00:19:30,780 --> 00:19:32,794
Mort: Yeah. Ooh, what are you doing here?
447
00:19:32,830 --> 00:19:34,696
Learning about secrets of cinnamon?
448
00:19:34,732 --> 00:19:36,897
Go home! Read a goddamn book!
449
00:19:36,932 --> 00:19:38,666
Spend some time with your children!
450
00:19:38,701 --> 00:19:41,235
- Keep walking.
- Here you go, Schmitt.
451
00:19:41,741 --> 00:19:44,104
- Fuck you, dick.
- [audience murmuring]
452
00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:45,740
- What the fuck did you say to him?
- [audience murmuring]
453
00:19:45,775 --> 00:19:48,265
I didn't say anything to him.
What are you talking about?
454
00:19:48,289 --> 00:19:49,744
Fucking fix it. Go!
455
00:19:49,746 --> 00:19:52,346
- "Fix it"?
- Go out there. Get them back.
456
00:19:53,715 --> 00:19:54,814
Okay.
457
00:19:56,385 --> 00:19:58,585
Um... [clears throat] Hi.
458
00:19:58,620 --> 00:19:59,841
Hello.
459
00:20:00,438 --> 00:20:01,305
Um...
460
00:20:02,223 --> 00:20:05,124
Hi, everyone. My name
is, uh, my name is Pete.
461
00:20:05,693 --> 00:20:08,327
I'm the... [clears throat]
I'm the other warm-up.
462
00:20:09,364 --> 00:20:12,130
We have two here at The Rachael Ray Show.
463
00:20:13,768 --> 00:20:16,134
I feel like... I feel
like we can get over this.
464
00:20:16,169 --> 00:20:18,504
Together, we can get over this. Uh...
465
00:20:19,673 --> 00:20:21,874
The... The scary uncle has left.
466
00:20:21,909 --> 00:20:24,710
- [laughter]
- Right?
467
00:20:26,113 --> 00:20:27,945
God, what was that?
468
00:20:28,505 --> 00:20:31,715
I feel like Dad just yelled
at us on the way to Disneyland.
469
00:20:31,751 --> 00:20:35,085
We need to shake it
off. That was terrifying.
470
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,687
Did you see the vein in his neck?
471
00:20:37,724 --> 00:20:39,256
It was pulsing.
472
00:20:39,292 --> 00:20:41,859
If we could hook up some
jumper cables to that vein,
473
00:20:41,895 --> 00:20:44,861
- we could power Vancouver.
- [laughter]
474
00:20:44,897 --> 00:20:46,696
Maybe we could, uh...
Let's dance or something.
475
00:20:46,732 --> 00:20:50,166
You guys wanna dance? Tony?
Tony, can I get a beat?
476
00:20:50,201 --> 00:20:52,068
- ♪
♪
- Okay, let me get some people.
477
00:20:52,103 --> 00:20:53,503
Will you dance with me? Come on up!
478
00:20:53,539 --> 00:20:55,305
Give her a round of
applause, everybody, come on!
479
00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:59,443
The bad man is gone. We're gonna
dance. Will you dance with us?
480
00:20:59,478 --> 00:21:03,111
Yes, sir, please get
in there. Get in here.
481
00:21:03,147 --> 00:21:06,415
Gwen, it's your birthday.
Give it up for Gwen!
482
00:21:06,451 --> 00:21:08,016
Give it up for Gwen!
483
00:21:08,052 --> 00:21:11,821
- Okay, what do you think of this one?
- [clapping rhythmically]
484
00:21:11,856 --> 00:21:14,122
Pretty good. Number two?
485
00:21:14,158 --> 00:21:16,325
- [cheering]
- Pretty good.
486
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:20,061
What about number three? Oh sh... Okay.
487
00:21:20,096 --> 00:21:24,699
What about Gwen? Oh! Oh!
488
00:21:24,734 --> 00:21:29,437
Dance Gwen! Clap for
Gwen! It's her birthday!
489
00:21:29,473 --> 00:21:31,405
Now, that was amazing! Sit down!
490
00:21:31,441 --> 00:21:34,408
Everybody stand up! Everybody stand up!
491
00:21:34,444 --> 00:21:36,610
- Say, "Hey!"
- Audience: Hey!
492
00:21:36,645 --> 00:21:38,311
- Say, "Ho!"
- Audience: Ho!
493
00:21:38,347 --> 00:21:40,681
- Say, "He was scary!"
- Audience: He was scary!
494
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,983
- I'm glad he's gone!
- Glad he's gone!
495
00:21:43,018 --> 00:21:44,918
- Rachael Ray!
- Rachael Ray!
496
00:21:44,954 --> 00:21:46,687
- Rachael Ray!
- Rachael Ray!
497
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:49,055
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
498
00:21:49,091 --> 00:21:50,657
Okay, sit down. Sit down!
499
00:21:50,693 --> 00:21:52,825
- Let's get some Kit Kats!
- Audience: Yeah!
500
00:21:52,861 --> 00:21:54,159
Where are the Kit Kats?
501
00:21:54,195 --> 00:21:56,228
I'm in charge of the Kit Kats now!
502
00:21:56,263 --> 00:21:58,731
- [music playing on TV]
- [geese honking]
503
00:21:58,766 --> 00:22:02,635
Steve: This shot actually
makes me motion sick.
504
00:22:02,662 --> 00:22:04,052
[door opens]
505
00:22:04,739 --> 00:22:06,973
- Sarah: Hey!
- Hey.
506
00:22:07,008 --> 00:22:08,273
- How'd it go?
- [music stops]
507
00:22:08,309 --> 00:22:09,390
[key clatters]
508
00:22:09,443 --> 00:22:12,076
It was crazy. I got there,
509
00:22:12,112 --> 00:22:14,279
they have a warm-up, and then...
510
00:22:14,648 --> 00:22:17,482
he loses his mind. He
turned on everybody.
511
00:22:17,518 --> 00:22:21,319
He flips out. The-the...
Schmitty gave me the Mic
512
00:22:21,354 --> 00:22:23,889
- and was like, "Get out there."
- You did warm-up today?
513
00:22:23,924 --> 00:22:25,857
- I went out and did warm-up.
- [Sarah laughs]
514
00:22:25,893 --> 00:22:27,822
They paid me for today,
515
00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:30,027
they said I can come back for, like,
a trial week.
516
00:22:30,062 --> 00:22:34,297
- You got it.
- But like, I mean, yeah, I got it.
517
00:22:37,202 --> 00:22:39,073
- Huh.
- Is this...
518
00:22:39,872 --> 00:22:42,072
You guys watching Planet
Earth or is this Nova?
519
00:22:42,618 --> 00:22:44,073
I feel like...
520
00:22:46,244 --> 00:22:48,611
You know what? You only get a few times
521
00:22:48,647 --> 00:22:50,613
to have that, like, "I got it" moment,
522
00:22:50,649 --> 00:22:53,315
and I feel like you kinda shit
the bed with this one.
523
00:22:53,832 --> 00:22:55,785
Like, go out, come back in,
524
00:22:55,820 --> 00:22:59,055
act like you didn't get it, and then...
525
00:22:59,472 --> 00:23:01,189
the reveal, "I got it."
526
00:23:01,224 --> 00:23:03,959
- Make it bigger. Really...
- Misdirect.
527
00:23:03,994 --> 00:23:05,594
It's a missed opportunity.
528
00:23:06,429 --> 00:23:08,196
- Ah. Okay.
- Dave: Yeah.
529
00:23:08,231 --> 00:23:10,766
- Steve: Sell it.
- Dave: Let's give the kid another shot.
530
00:23:12,102 --> 00:23:15,170
[music playing on TV]
531
00:23:15,205 --> 00:23:18,238
[geese honking]
532
00:23:18,274 --> 00:23:20,074
I don't think Pete did well today.
533
00:23:20,109 --> 00:23:22,209
I mean, he's never done it before.
534
00:23:22,244 --> 00:23:23,978
- [door opens]
- Dave: I feel bad for him.
535
00:23:28,818 --> 00:23:30,150
- [sighs]
- [key clatters]
536
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:32,319
Hey, buddy. You okay?
537
00:23:33,556 --> 00:23:34,921
I don't...
538
00:23:34,957 --> 00:23:37,223
I... I'm sorry. [scoffs]
539
00:23:37,258 --> 00:23:39,525
You set that all up for me, and...
540
00:23:39,561 --> 00:23:42,796
I know, Steve, you would've
liked that opportunity and...
541
00:23:46,034 --> 00:23:47,567
- And I got it.
- ♪
♪
542
00:23:47,603 --> 00:23:50,536
[shouting] Oh my God! Oh my God!
543
00:23:50,572 --> 00:23:52,170
- Ah!
- Sarah: Woo!
544
00:23:52,206 --> 00:23:53,706
[Steve shouts] Whoopee!
545
00:23:55,109 --> 00:23:57,442
- You got it!
- Jerk me off. Jerk me off.
546
00:23:57,478 --> 00:23:59,211
[laughs]
547
00:23:59,246 --> 00:24:00,145
Woo!
548
00:24:00,180 --> 00:24:01,914
[crying] I feel like fucking shit
549
00:24:01,949 --> 00:24:04,349
because I went in there and I got it!
550
00:24:04,384 --> 00:24:06,652
[shouting]
551
00:24:08,855 --> 00:24:11,388
- My parents were right.
- Dave: What?
552
00:24:12,425 --> 00:24:15,693
- I got it!
- [shouting]
553
00:24:15,729 --> 00:24:17,929
I've been getting shit a long time,
554
00:24:17,964 --> 00:24:19,697
and I've pretty much had it,
555
00:24:19,733 --> 00:24:23,167
so today was the last
day I was gonna take it.
556
00:24:24,237 --> 00:24:26,069
That's why I'm so glad I got it!
557
00:24:26,105 --> 00:24:29,673
- [cheering]
- ♪
♪
558
00:24:37,816 --> 00:24:40,751
♪ ♪
559
00:24:44,789 --> 00:24:46,956
♪ It would be a bad
look, talking about... ♪
560
00:24:46,991 --> 00:24:48,724
- Hey.
- Hey.
561
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:52,327
♪ So, let's celebrate while we still can ♪
562
00:24:52,363 --> 00:24:55,564
- Is this okay?
- [laughs] Yeah. Yeah.
563
00:24:56,107 --> 00:24:57,066
I'm just so happy.
564
00:24:57,101 --> 00:24:59,476
I... I don't remember the last time
565
00:24:59,501 --> 00:25:02,236
I felt so good and silly
and fun and right.
566
00:25:02,272 --> 00:25:04,806
And I did something that I'm good at,
567
00:25:04,841 --> 00:25:07,575
that, like, felt like me.
568
00:25:07,610 --> 00:25:10,145
I really owe you big time.
569
00:25:10,180 --> 00:25:13,537
- Oh, my joy. You know what I think?
- What's that?
570
00:25:13,562 --> 00:25:16,765
I think somebody
earned a little tooty-toot-a-loot
571
00:25:17,101 --> 00:25:20,620
- on the weed pipe.
- I've never... I don't...
572
00:25:20,656 --> 00:25:22,422
You've never smoked pot?
573
00:25:23,659 --> 00:25:26,593
- No, I've never smoked... yeah.
- Aww.
574
00:25:26,628 --> 00:25:28,495
Well, I don't want to
push. I mean, I wouldn't...
575
00:25:28,530 --> 00:25:32,032
Don't do it then, unless you
want me to encourage you to.
576
00:25:32,527 --> 00:25:34,032
Okay, yeah, talk me into it.
577
00:25:34,069 --> 00:25:36,302
Just have a little. What's the big deal?
578
00:25:36,337 --> 00:25:39,238
- [babbling]
- Just have a puff. Celebrate.
579
00:25:39,273 --> 00:25:42,141
- You had a great day.
- What do I do?
580
00:25:43,578 --> 00:25:45,678
Press the button... [inhales]
581
00:25:45,714 --> 00:25:48,748
...suck it in, and then take it out,
582
00:25:48,783 --> 00:25:51,516
and suck in again, like a second time.
583
00:25:52,519 --> 00:25:54,753
- That's enough.
- [deep cough, laugh]
584
00:25:54,788 --> 00:25:59,257
Oh my God, you just smoked
pot. You just smoked pot.
585
00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:02,548
- I think... Okay, thank you.
- Yes. Put it down for a second.
586
00:26:02,713 --> 00:26:05,728
I feel kind of weird that I...
I have something to tell you.
587
00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:09,633
I've never seen your... I've
never seen your stand-up.
588
00:26:09,668 --> 00:26:12,336
[laughs] That's okay.
589
00:26:12,371 --> 00:26:15,439
I feel weird. I... I
thought maybe you'd be mad.
590
00:26:15,474 --> 00:26:17,742
- I just...
- No, I don't care.
591
00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:20,778
Now I can use my jokes, like,
in conversation with you,
592
00:26:20,813 --> 00:26:22,880
- and you'll think I'm a genius.
- [laughs]
593
00:26:22,915 --> 00:26:25,115
I love stand-up. It's just...
594
00:26:25,150 --> 00:26:28,251
I... I don't know if you know...
Remember, I'm raised religious,
595
00:26:28,286 --> 00:26:31,087
and our community... you know,
596
00:26:31,112 --> 00:26:32,822
you make fun of Jesus.
597
00:26:32,858 --> 00:26:36,860
- Who?
- You know, Jesus of Nazareth?
598
00:26:36,895 --> 00:26:40,463
- So, you're a God person.
- Yes, I'm a God person.
599
00:26:40,498 --> 00:26:42,597
- Aw.
- ♪ ♪
600
00:26:42,633 --> 00:26:44,599
- When does it work?
- In seconds.
601
00:26:44,635 --> 00:26:46,235
If you smoke too much, you can't go back,
602
00:26:46,260 --> 00:26:47,070
Okay.
603
00:26:47,095 --> 00:26:48,303
so just make it a treat,
just have a little puff.
604
00:26:48,338 --> 00:26:50,405
I feel like I'm floating in honey.
605
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,575
Is that... is that
what the buzz is about?
606
00:26:53,610 --> 00:26:56,478
- That's the buzz.
- That's what all you guys are like,
607
00:26:56,513 --> 00:26:59,280
"Hey, put down the hacky sack.
608
00:26:59,573 --> 00:27:01,540
I have something to tell you guys."
609
00:27:01,984 --> 00:27:05,452
After a while, you stop
needing to talk about the high.
610
00:27:05,488 --> 00:27:08,990
♪ Distance can change fate ♪
611
00:27:09,025 --> 00:27:12,960
- Just, like, exist.
- [deep laugh]
612
00:27:12,996 --> 00:27:16,505
- Is that a weird laugh?
- [laughs]
613
00:27:17,763 --> 00:27:18,965
These are nice, man. I shouldn't...
614
00:27:19,001 --> 00:27:21,686
I shouldn't be sleeping on your
couch. I should sleep out here.
615
00:27:22,507 --> 00:27:24,838
Wait a minute. You
can't sleep here tonight.
616
00:27:24,873 --> 00:27:26,239
- What?
- You've got a job,
617
00:27:26,275 --> 00:27:28,675
you're making hundreds of dollars a day,
618
00:27:28,710 --> 00:27:30,210
you've been sleeping on couches.
619
00:27:30,245 --> 00:27:31,278
You really want to sleep tonight
620
00:27:31,313 --> 00:27:34,479
with your head on a pillow
filled with Steve's farts?
621
00:27:34,515 --> 00:27:37,316
- No.
- Treat yourself.
622
00:27:37,938 --> 00:27:39,518
You're gonna thank me for this.
623
00:27:40,521 --> 00:27:43,856
♪ ♪
624
00:27:51,527 --> 00:27:53,228
[sighs]
625
00:28:03,173 --> 00:28:05,173
♪ ♪
626
00:28:06,612 --> 00:28:08,712
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
627
00:28:08,747 --> 00:28:12,115
♪ The sun came up with no conclusion ♪
628
00:28:12,151 --> 00:28:15,352
♪ Flowers sleeping in their beds ♪
629
00:28:15,387 --> 00:28:18,421
♪ The city's cemetery's humming ♪
630
00:28:18,457 --> 00:28:22,059
♪ I'm wide awake, it's morning ♪
631
00:28:23,795 --> 00:28:27,263
♪ I have my drugs, I have my woman ♪
632
00:28:27,298 --> 00:28:30,466
♪ They keep away my loneliness ♪
633
00:28:30,501 --> 00:28:33,535
♪ My parents, they have their religion ♪
634
00:28:33,571 --> 00:28:37,406
♪ But sleep in separate houses ♪
635
00:28:39,177 --> 00:28:43,778
♪ I read the body count out of the paper ♪
636
00:28:45,615 --> 00:28:49,985
♪ And now it's written all over my face ♪
637
00:28:51,788 --> 00:28:56,657
♪ No one ever plans to
sleep out in the gutter ♪
638
00:28:58,460 --> 00:29:03,197
♪ Sometimes that's just the
most comfortable place ♪
639
00:29:05,067 --> 00:29:08,802
♪ So I'm drinking,
breathing, writing, singing ♪
640
00:29:08,837 --> 00:29:12,672
♪ Every day I'm on the clock... ♪