1 00:01:03,577 --> 00:01:06,115 It all began on New Year's Day... 2 00:01:06,204 --> 00:01:09,407 in my 32nd year of being singIe. 3 00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:13,823 Once again I found myseIf on my own... 4 00:01:13,919 --> 00:01:17,584 and going to my mother's annual turkey curry buffet. 5 00:01:17,672 --> 00:01:21,337 Every year she tries to fix me up with some bushy-haired, middle-aged bore... 6 00:01:21,426 --> 00:01:24,759 and I feared this year would be no exception. 7 00:01:24,845 --> 00:01:27,680 There you are, dumpling. 8 00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:29,840 My mum, a strange creature... 9 00:01:29,933 --> 00:01:32,637 from the time when a gherkin was still the height of sophistication. 10 00:01:32,727 --> 00:01:36,391 - Doilies, Pam? Hello, Bridget. - Third drawer from the top, Una... 11 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,389 under the minigherkins. 12 00:01:38,482 --> 00:01:40,937 By the way, the Darcys are here. 13 00:01:41,026 --> 00:01:42,685 They brought Mark with them. 14 00:01:42,777 --> 00:01:45,731 - Ah, here we go. - You remember Mark. 15 00:01:45,821 --> 00:01:49,190 You used to play in his paddling pool. He's a barrister, very well off. 16 00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:51,192 No, I don't remember. 17 00:01:51,284 --> 00:01:53,241 He's divorced, apparently. 18 00:01:53,328 --> 00:01:57,491 His wife was Japanese. Very cruel race. Now, what are you going to put on? 19 00:01:58,749 --> 00:02:00,623 - This. - Don't be silly, Bridget. 20 00:02:00,709 --> 00:02:03,544 You'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you've wandered out of Auschwitz. 21 00:02:03,628 --> 00:02:06,333 Run upstairs. Laid out something lovely on your bed. 22 00:02:16,181 --> 00:02:19,300 Great. I was wearing a carpet. 23 00:02:20,851 --> 00:02:26,556 Here she is. My little Bridget. 24 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:31,264 - Hi, Uncle Geoffrey. - Have a drink? 25 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,353 - Come on, then. - actually, not my uncIe. 26 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:36,695 Someone who insists I caII him ''UncIe'' whiIe he gropes my ass... 27 00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:39,616 and asks me the question dreaded by aII singIetons. 28 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:42,904 So, how's your love life? 29 00:02:42,995 --> 00:02:45,486 Super. Thanks, Uncle G. 30 00:02:45,581 --> 00:02:47,289 Still no fellow, then, eh? All right, then. 31 00:02:47,374 --> 00:02:49,699 You career girls can't put it off forever, you know. 32 00:02:49,793 --> 00:02:51,584 Tick-tock, tick-tock. 33 00:02:51,669 --> 00:02:54,077 - Hello, Dad. - Hello, darling. 34 00:02:54,964 --> 00:02:57,371 - How's it going? - Torture. 35 00:02:57,466 --> 00:03:01,712 Your mother's trying to fix you up with some divorcé. 36 00:03:01,803 --> 00:03:04,922 Human rights barrister. Pretty nasty beast, apparently. 37 00:03:06,599 --> 00:03:08,009 Ding-dong. 38 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:11,136 Maybe this time Mum had got it right. 39 00:03:11,228 --> 00:03:14,643 Come on. Why don't we see if Mark fancies a gherkin. 40 00:03:14,731 --> 00:03:16,640 Good luck. 41 00:03:18,192 --> 00:03:20,979 Maybe this was the mysterious Mr Right... 42 00:03:21,069 --> 00:03:23,774 I'd been waiting my whoIe Iife to meet. 43 00:03:24,906 --> 00:03:26,982 You remember Bridget. 44 00:03:27,075 --> 00:03:28,734 Maybe not. 45 00:03:28,826 --> 00:03:31,661 She used to run around your lawn with no clothes on, remember? 46 00:03:32,788 --> 00:03:34,780 No, not as such. 47 00:03:36,499 --> 00:03:39,619 Come and look at your gravy, Pam. I think it's going to need sieving. 48 00:03:39,710 --> 00:03:42,627 Of course it doesn't need sieving. Just stir it, Una. 49 00:03:44,339 --> 00:03:48,882 Yes, of course. I'll be right there. Sorry. Lumpy gravy calls. 50 00:03:52,847 --> 00:03:55,847 - So. - So. 51 00:03:55,933 --> 00:03:59,052 Are you staying at your parents' for New Year? 52 00:03:59,144 --> 00:04:02,097 - Yes. You? - Oh, no, no. 53 00:04:02,188 --> 00:04:04,227 I was in London at a party last night... 54 00:04:04,315 --> 00:04:06,521 so I'm afraid I'm a bit hung over. 55 00:04:06,608 --> 00:04:10,059 Wish I could by lying with my head in a toilet like all normal people. 56 00:04:12,780 --> 00:04:16,398 New Year's resolution: Drink less. Oh, and quit smoking. 57 00:04:20,412 --> 00:04:23,033 And keep New Year's resolutions. 58 00:04:25,374 --> 00:04:30,534 And stop talking total nonsense to strangers. 59 00:04:30,629 --> 00:04:32,917 In fact, stop talking full stop. 60 00:04:33,882 --> 00:04:36,455 Yes, well, perhaps it's time to eat. 61 00:04:40,054 --> 00:04:42,723 Apparently she lives just around the corner from you. 62 00:04:42,806 --> 00:04:45,297 Mother, I do not need a blind date. 63 00:04:45,392 --> 00:04:47,965 Particularly not with some verbally incontinent spinster... 64 00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:51,761 who smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish and dresses like her mother. 65 00:04:54,608 --> 00:04:59,898 Yummy. Turkey curry. My favourite. 66 00:04:59,987 --> 00:05:02,858 And that was it. Right there. 67 00:05:02,948 --> 00:05:06,151 Right there. That was the moment. 68 00:05:08,328 --> 00:05:11,447 I suddenIy reaIized that unIess something changed soon... 69 00:05:11,539 --> 00:05:13,946 I was going to Iive a Iife where my major reIationship... 70 00:05:14,041 --> 00:05:15,868 was with a bottIe of wine... 71 00:05:15,959 --> 00:05:18,995 and I'd finaIIy die fat and aIone... 72 00:05:19,087 --> 00:05:23,131 and be found three weeks Iater haIf-eaten by AIsatians. 73 00:05:23,216 --> 00:05:27,129 Or I was about to turn into GIenn CIose in Fatal Attraction. 74 00:05:28,804 --> 00:05:34,888 AII by myseIf 75 00:05:34,976 --> 00:05:36,802 Don't want to be 76 00:05:36,894 --> 00:05:41,472 AII by myseIf 77 00:05:41,565 --> 00:05:43,557 Any more 78 00:05:44,776 --> 00:05:46,982 You have no messages. 79 00:06:13,175 --> 00:06:15,167 When I was young 80 00:06:16,678 --> 00:06:19,928 I never needed anyone 81 00:06:22,933 --> 00:06:26,266 And makin'Iove was just for fun 82 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:31,096 Those days are gone 83 00:06:36,612 --> 00:06:40,561 AII by myseIf 84 00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:44,443 Don't want to be 85 00:06:44,535 --> 00:06:48,117 AII by myseIf 86 00:06:49,122 --> 00:06:52,039 Any more 87 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,105 And so I made a major decision. 88 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:24,647 I had to make sure that next year I wouIdn't end up shit-faced... 89 00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:29,314 and Iistening to sad FM, easy Iistening for the over-30s. 90 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:33,653 I decided to take controI of my Iife and start a diary... 91 00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:37,788 to teII the truth about Bridget Jones, the whoIe truth. 92 00:07:47,297 --> 00:07:51,164 EquaIIy important, wiII find nice, sensibIe boyfriend to go out with... 93 00:07:54,845 --> 00:07:57,003 aIcohoIics, workahoIics, commitment phobics... 94 00:07:57,097 --> 00:08:00,548 Peeping Toms, megaIomaniacs, emotionaI fuckwits or perverts. 95 00:08:00,642 --> 00:08:04,259 And especiaIIy wiII not fantasize about a particuIar person... 96 00:08:04,353 --> 00:08:07,804 who embodies aII these things. 97 00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:20,066 UnfortunateIy, he just happens to be my boss... 98 00:08:20,158 --> 00:08:24,025 editor in chief DanieI CIeaver, and for various sIightIy unfair reasons... 99 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,326 reIating to this year's Christmas party... 100 00:08:26,414 --> 00:08:29,498 I suspect he does not fantasize about me. 101 00:08:32,502 --> 00:08:36,713 Can't Iive 102 00:08:36,798 --> 00:08:40,131 Livin'is without you 103 00:08:40,217 --> 00:08:44,677 I can't Iive 104 00:08:44,763 --> 00:08:48,096 - Can't give any more - Or maybe I'm wrong. 105 00:09:00,943 --> 00:09:04,442 - Happy New Year, Mr Fitzherbert. - Happy New Year, Brenda. 106 00:09:04,530 --> 00:09:07,234 Mr Fitzherbert. ''Titspervert, ''more Iike. 107 00:09:07,324 --> 00:09:12,032 DanieI's boss stares at my breasts with no idea who I am or what I do. 108 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:15,322 Morning. I need that Kafka's Motorbike release by 11:00. 109 00:09:15,414 --> 00:09:16,576 Perpetua. 110 00:09:16,665 --> 00:09:20,199 SIightIy senior, and therefore thinks she's in charge of me. 111 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:24,077 Most of the time I just want to stapIe things to her head. 112 00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:28,548 - Publicity. - AII I asked-- 113 00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:31,303 I only asked if he wanted to come on a minibreak to Paris. 114 00:09:31,386 --> 00:09:33,212 DaiIy caII from Jude. Best friend. 115 00:09:33,304 --> 00:09:36,554 Head of investment at BrightIings Bank who spends most of her time... 116 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,594 trapped in the Iadies'toiIet crying over fuckwit boyfriend. 117 00:09:39,685 --> 00:09:43,100 Am I too needy? Am I codependent? 118 00:09:43,188 --> 00:09:45,761 No, you're not. It's not you. 119 00:09:45,857 --> 00:09:48,893 You're lovely. It's vile Richard. 120 00:09:48,984 --> 00:09:51,557 He's just a big knobhead with no knob. 121 00:09:53,530 --> 00:09:57,990 Is some people's opinion of Kafka... 122 00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,949 but they couldn't be more wrong. 123 00:10:00,035 --> 00:10:03,202 This book is a searing vision of the wounds our century has inf icted... 124 00:10:03,288 --> 00:10:05,494 on traditional masculinity. 125 00:10:05,582 --> 00:10:08,582 It's positively Vonnegutesque. 126 00:10:08,668 --> 00:10:10,541 Thank you for calling, Professor Leavis. 127 00:10:12,004 --> 00:10:14,958 Guest list for launch party. 128 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,835 F.R. Leavis? 129 00:10:23,555 --> 00:10:24,551 Wow. 130 00:10:25,974 --> 00:10:30,351 The F.R. Leavis who wrote Mass CiviIization and Minority CuIture? 131 00:10:33,522 --> 00:10:35,680 The F.R. Leavis who died in 1978? 132 00:10:38,735 --> 00:10:40,526 Amazing. 133 00:10:43,322 --> 00:10:45,113 Emergency summit with urban famiIy... 134 00:10:45,199 --> 00:10:47,405 for coherent discussion of career crisis. 135 00:10:47,493 --> 00:10:49,734 Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of them. 136 00:10:49,828 --> 00:10:53,742 Tell them they can stick fucking Leavis up their fucking arses. 137 00:10:53,831 --> 00:10:56,748 Good, good. That's very useful. 138 00:10:56,834 --> 00:11:00,037 Shazzer,journaIist. Likes to say ''fuck''a Iot. 139 00:11:00,128 --> 00:11:01,836 Jude, what would you do if one of your assistants... 140 00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:04,591 made a harmless little mistake like that? 141 00:11:04,674 --> 00:11:07,710 - I'd fire you, Bridge. - Excellent. 142 00:11:07,802 --> 00:11:10,090 Is that Cleaver chap still as cute as ever? 143 00:11:10,179 --> 00:11:11,637 Oh, God, yes. 144 00:11:11,722 --> 00:11:14,722 Then I think a well-timed blow job is probably the best answer. 145 00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:17,974 - Oh, you love it. - Are you the chap that sang that song? 146 00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:20,053 Yes. Yes, I am. 147 00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:23,894 Tom, '80s pop icon who onIy wrote one hit record... 148 00:11:23,982 --> 00:11:26,307 then retired because he found that one record was quite enough... 149 00:11:26,401 --> 00:11:28,689 to get him Iaid for the whoIe of the '90s. 150 00:11:28,778 --> 00:11:31,862 - Well, great song. - Thank you. Thank you so much. 151 00:11:31,947 --> 00:11:34,355 - TotaI poof, of course. - More vodka? 152 00:11:34,449 --> 00:11:37,865 - No! - Yes! Fill her up, goddam it! 153 00:11:37,952 --> 00:11:40,739 At Ieast now I'm in my 30s, I can hoId my drink. 154 00:11:43,457 --> 00:11:45,496 - Oops! - Mind the step. 155 00:11:45,584 --> 00:11:47,991 She's fine. Drive on. 156 00:11:49,963 --> 00:11:52,584 Apparently F.R. Leavis is coming. 157 00:11:54,592 --> 00:11:56,584 Afternoon, Bridget. 158 00:11:57,511 --> 00:11:59,752 What do you mean you're going on holiday? 159 00:12:00,722 --> 00:12:02,679 What about Julia? 160 00:12:32,290 --> 00:12:34,911 We've got a problem with the Teddy Knows Best campaign. 161 00:12:37,545 --> 00:12:40,083 The only problem is the kitchen. 162 00:12:40,172 --> 00:12:44,880 - There isn't room to swing a cat. - Message Mr CIeaver. 163 00:12:44,968 --> 00:12:47,885 Am appaIIed by message. 164 00:12:47,971 --> 00:12:51,553 Skirt is demonstrabIy neither sick nor absent. 165 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:56,432 AppaIIed by management's bIatantIy size-ist attitude to skirt. 166 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,520 Suggest management sick, not skirt! 167 00:13:12,742 --> 00:13:15,315 Right. Yeah. 168 00:13:15,411 --> 00:13:18,909 No, I understand that. I understand that perfectly. 169 00:13:24,627 --> 00:13:27,296 Very bad start to the year. 170 00:13:27,379 --> 00:13:29,917 Have been seduced by informaIity of messaging medium... 171 00:13:30,006 --> 00:13:32,213 into f irting with office scoundreI. 172 00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:36,511 WiII persevere with resoIution to find a nice, sensibIe man. 173 00:13:36,595 --> 00:13:39,881 WiII put a stop to f irting... first thing tomorrow. 174 00:13:39,973 --> 00:13:41,847 Good pIan. 175 00:13:51,150 --> 00:13:53,936 If waIking past office was attempt to demonstrate presence of skirt... 176 00:13:54,027 --> 00:13:57,692 can onIy say that it has faiIed parIousIy-- CIeave. 177 00:13:57,780 --> 00:14:00,816 Shut up, pIease. I am very busy and important. 178 00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:06,032 P.S. How dare you sexuaIIy harass me in this impertinent manner? 179 00:14:06,121 --> 00:14:08,742 Message Jones. Mortified to have caused offence. 180 00:14:08,831 --> 00:14:13,409 WiII avoid aII non-P.C. overtones in future. DeepIy apoIogetic. 181 00:14:13,502 --> 00:14:15,541 P.S. Like your tits in that top. 182 00:14:19,173 --> 00:14:22,091 Mustn't read too much into it, though. 183 00:14:25,846 --> 00:14:28,799 And it all began, of course, with some very irresponsible E-mailing... 184 00:14:28,890 --> 00:14:31,262 over Bridget's nonexistent skirt. 185 00:14:42,402 --> 00:14:46,446 - The New York office for you. - Yeah. Tell 'em I'll get back to 'em. 186 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,874 - Evening, Kenneth. - Evening. 187 00:15:07,798 --> 00:15:10,040 If you've got a moment, I'd like a word before you leave. 188 00:15:10,134 --> 00:15:12,007 Yes, certainly. 189 00:15:15,096 --> 00:15:16,721 - I'll see you in a sec. - Excellent. 190 00:15:16,806 --> 00:15:18,430 - And, Brenda? - Yes. 191 00:15:18,516 --> 00:15:20,971 At the Kafka's Motorbike thing, thought it might be fun... 192 00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:23,385 if you introduce me before I introduce him. 193 00:15:23,478 --> 00:15:25,471 Add a lovely sense of occasion. 194 00:15:27,482 --> 00:15:29,391 Certainly, sir. 195 00:15:34,279 --> 00:15:36,900 - What are you doing tonight? - Actually, I'm busy. 196 00:15:36,990 --> 00:15:39,659 Right. Well, that's a shame. I just-- 197 00:15:40,785 --> 00:15:43,620 I thought it might be a charitable thing to take your skirt out for dinner... 198 00:15:43,704 --> 00:15:45,495 and try and fatten it up a bit. 199 00:15:45,581 --> 00:15:47,490 Maybe you could come too. 200 00:15:48,625 --> 00:15:50,416 - What about tomorrow? - No. 201 00:15:50,502 --> 00:15:53,585 - Tomorrow's the launch. - Yes, of course. 202 00:15:53,671 --> 00:15:56,506 Possibly the worst book ever published. 203 00:15:56,590 --> 00:15:59,377 Well, in the end, that's not the ad line we've gone for. 204 00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:03,131 - Next night. - Let's see, shall we? 205 00:16:04,639 --> 00:16:06,216 'Night, Daniel. 206 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:11,011 Right. No pressure, Bridge, but your whole future happiness... 207 00:16:11,102 --> 00:16:13,510 now depends on how you behave on this one social occasion. 208 00:16:13,605 --> 00:16:17,602 - Right. What shall I do? - First, look gorgeous. 209 00:16:32,496 --> 00:16:36,789 Two: Then totally ignore Daniel and suck up to famous authors. 210 00:16:36,874 --> 00:16:38,582 Salman. 211 00:16:40,586 --> 00:16:42,744 Circulate... 212 00:16:42,838 --> 00:16:45,044 oozing intelligence. 213 00:16:45,132 --> 00:16:47,124 Isn't it terrible about Chechnya? 214 00:16:51,387 --> 00:16:54,222 Introduce people with thoughtful details, such as: 215 00:16:54,306 --> 00:16:57,639 Sheila, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Sheila. 216 00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,560 Sheila enjoys horse riding and comes from New Zealand. 217 00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,767 Daniel enjoys publishing and comes-- 218 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,262 - All over your face? - Exactly. 219 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:10,647 Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry to interrupt you when you're having dinner. 220 00:17:10,737 --> 00:17:13,821 - It's just that-- - Yes. Yes, it was me. 221 00:17:13,906 --> 00:17:16,029 Yes. Nine years ago. 222 00:17:16,116 --> 00:17:18,025 No current plans to record anything else. 223 00:17:18,118 --> 00:17:20,869 - Thank you so much. - It's just that... 224 00:17:20,954 --> 00:17:24,453 your chair is on my wife's coat. 225 00:17:26,083 --> 00:17:29,037 - Your chair. - Of course it is. 226 00:17:29,127 --> 00:17:31,499 - I'm so terribly sorry. - Thank you. 227 00:17:32,464 --> 00:17:34,337 Major diIemma. 228 00:17:34,424 --> 00:17:37,424 If I actuaIIy do, by some terribIe chance, end up in fagrante... 229 00:17:37,510 --> 00:17:40,759 sureIy these wouId be most attractive at cruciaI moment. 230 00:17:40,846 --> 00:17:44,049 However, chances of reaching cruciaI moment greatIy increase... 231 00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:47,224 by wearing these scary stomach-hoIding-in pants... 232 00:17:47,310 --> 00:17:49,847 very popuIar with grannies the worId over. 233 00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:53,637 Tricky. Very tricky. 234 00:18:09,328 --> 00:18:12,163 Ladies and gentIemen, weIcome to... 235 00:18:12,248 --> 00:18:14,952 the Iaunch of Kafka's Motorbike, the greatest book of our time. 236 00:18:15,042 --> 00:18:16,915 And here to introduce it is Mr Titspervert. 237 00:18:18,670 --> 00:18:20,876 Fitzherbert, Fitzherbert. 238 00:18:23,674 --> 00:18:25,832 CircuIate, oozing inteIIigence. 239 00:18:25,926 --> 00:18:30,006 Ignore DanieI and be fabuIous with everyone eIse. 240 00:18:30,096 --> 00:18:34,674 I am the inteIIectuaI equaI of everyone eIse here. 241 00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:38,598 It's like a whole theory of short fiction and of the novella. 242 00:18:38,687 --> 00:18:41,640 And, of course, the problem with Martin's definition of the novella... 243 00:18:41,731 --> 00:18:43,309 is that it really only applies to him. 244 00:18:46,110 --> 00:18:49,360 That doesn't sound like Martin. Not. 245 00:18:51,156 --> 00:18:52,816 I could be wrong. What do you think? 246 00:18:55,326 --> 00:18:57,318 Do you know... 247 00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:01,911 where the toilets are? 248 00:19:03,291 --> 00:19:06,375 Stay caIm. Can't get any worse. 249 00:19:09,922 --> 00:19:14,215 - What are you doing here? - I've been asking myself that question. 250 00:19:15,385 --> 00:19:18,551 I came with a colleague. So how are you? 251 00:19:18,638 --> 00:19:20,760 Well, apart from being very disappointed... 252 00:19:20,848 --> 00:19:25,260 not to see my favourite reindeer jumper again, I'm well. 253 00:19:25,352 --> 00:19:27,059 Anyone going to introduce me? 254 00:19:28,188 --> 00:19:30,643 Introduce peopIe with thoughtfuI detaiIs. 255 00:19:30,731 --> 00:19:33,934 Perpetua, this is Mark Darcy. 256 00:19:34,026 --> 00:19:37,893 Mark's a prematurely middle-aged prick with a cruel-raced ex-wife. 257 00:19:37,988 --> 00:19:41,273 Perpetua's a fat-ass old bag who spends her time bossing me around. 258 00:19:43,075 --> 00:19:44,818 Maybe not. 259 00:19:44,910 --> 00:19:46,819 Anyone going to introduce me? 260 00:19:48,747 --> 00:19:50,704 This is Mark Darcy. 261 00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:55,037 Mark's a top barrister. He comes from Grafton Underwood. 262 00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:57,036 Perpetua is one of my work colleagues. 263 00:19:57,129 --> 00:19:59,667 I know you by reputation, of course. 264 00:20:01,549 --> 00:20:03,423 Natasha. 265 00:20:03,509 --> 00:20:05,965 This is Bridget Jones. Bridget, this is Natasha. 266 00:20:06,053 --> 00:20:09,422 Natasha is a top attorney and specializes in family law. 267 00:20:09,515 --> 00:20:13,179 Bridget works in publishing and used to play naked in my paddling pool. 268 00:20:14,644 --> 00:20:16,932 How odd. 269 00:20:17,021 --> 00:20:20,555 - Perpetua, how's the house hunt going? - Disaster. 270 00:20:20,649 --> 00:20:22,855 Can't even go into it with you. 271 00:20:22,943 --> 00:20:26,643 By the by, that man is gorgeous. 272 00:20:26,738 --> 00:20:28,445 Yes, Mark. 273 00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:31,946 Just give me time. Give me time. 274 00:20:33,243 --> 00:20:36,576 You've written ''a searing vision''-- Can you remember the rest of this? 275 00:20:36,663 --> 00:20:40,114 ''Of the wounds our century has inf icted on traditional masculinity. 276 00:20:40,207 --> 00:20:42,698 Positively Vonnegutesque.'' 277 00:20:44,294 --> 00:20:46,500 Listen, you don't know where the loos are here, do you? 278 00:20:46,588 --> 00:20:49,375 - Yes. They're that way. - Thanks. 279 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:55,759 One, two. 280 00:20:58,098 --> 00:21:00,137 Ladies and gentlemen. 281 00:21:05,145 --> 00:21:06,308 Ladies and-- 282 00:21:12,860 --> 00:21:14,319 Sorry, the... 283 00:21:14,403 --> 00:21:17,736 mike's not working. 284 00:21:18,365 --> 00:21:20,441 Ladies and gentlemen... 285 00:21:21,284 --> 00:21:25,862 welcome to the launch of Kafka's Motorbike... 286 00:21:25,955 --> 00:21:28,955 the greatest book of our time. 287 00:21:34,712 --> 00:21:37,464 Obviously, except for your books, Mr Rushdie... 288 00:21:37,548 --> 00:21:40,881 which are also very good. 289 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:45,843 And Lord Archer. 290 00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:49,180 Yours aren't bad either. 291 00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,018 Anyway, what I mean is... 292 00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:55,179 welcome, ladies and gentlemen. 293 00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:57,893 Thank you for coming to the launch... 294 00:21:57,982 --> 00:22:02,110 of one of the top 30 books of our time. 295 00:22:02,194 --> 00:22:05,230 Anyway. At least. 296 00:22:05,322 --> 00:22:10,113 And here to introduce it properly... 297 00:22:10,201 --> 00:22:12,526 is the man we all call-- 298 00:22:14,163 --> 00:22:17,365 - Titspervert. - Mister-- 299 00:22:24,630 --> 00:22:29,125 Because that is his name. 300 00:22:32,679 --> 00:22:34,338 Thank you. 301 00:22:39,434 --> 00:22:41,059 Thank you, Brenda. 302 00:22:42,270 --> 00:22:44,428 Just switch this on. 303 00:22:48,942 --> 00:22:51,647 So how autobiographical is your work, Salman? 304 00:22:51,736 --> 00:22:54,607 It's an amazing thing. Nobody's ever asked me that question. 305 00:22:54,697 --> 00:22:56,524 Excuse me. 306 00:22:57,366 --> 00:23:01,613 Jones, sod 'em all. It was a brilliant... 307 00:23:01,703 --> 00:23:05,783 postmodernist masterpiece of oratorical fireworks, really. 308 00:23:08,084 --> 00:23:10,206 You're looking very sexy, Jones. 309 00:23:10,294 --> 00:23:13,330 I'm going to have to take you to dinner now whether you like it or not, okay? 310 00:23:14,506 --> 00:23:16,545 Come on. Get your stuff. 311 00:23:23,138 --> 00:23:27,088 How do you feel about this situation in Chechnya? Isn't it a nightmare? 312 00:23:27,183 --> 00:23:29,306 I couldn't give a fuck, Jones. Now look. 313 00:23:29,394 --> 00:23:32,478 How do you know Arsey Darcy? 314 00:23:32,563 --> 00:23:36,856 Apparently I used to run 'round naked in his paddling pool. 315 00:23:36,942 --> 00:23:39,148 I bet you did, you dirty bitch. 316 00:23:40,069 --> 00:23:42,940 - What about you? - Same. 317 00:23:45,074 --> 00:23:47,481 I was best man at his wedding. 318 00:23:47,576 --> 00:23:51,276 -He was a mate from Cambridge. -Then what? 319 00:23:52,914 --> 00:23:56,080 Then nothing. 320 00:23:56,167 --> 00:23:58,740 You don't need to protect him. He's no friend of mine. 321 00:23:58,835 --> 00:24:03,296 Well, then, many years later... 322 00:24:03,381 --> 00:24:06,796 I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake... 323 00:24:06,884 --> 00:24:11,011 of introducing him to my fiancée. 324 00:24:14,724 --> 00:24:16,301 And-- 325 00:24:19,186 --> 00:24:22,886 I couldn't say in all honesty I've ever quite forgiven him. 326 00:24:22,981 --> 00:24:24,356 God. So... 327 00:24:25,483 --> 00:24:30,191 he's a nasty bastard as well as a dull bastard. 328 00:24:30,279 --> 00:24:32,983 Yes. Yes, I think that's fair. 329 00:24:33,073 --> 00:24:35,445 Anyway, fuck him. Listen, don't let him ruin our evening. 330 00:24:35,533 --> 00:24:37,526 Why don't you have some more wine... 331 00:24:37,619 --> 00:24:40,453 and tell me more about practising French kissing with girls at school? 332 00:24:40,538 --> 00:24:42,744 - That's a very good story. - It wasn't French kissing. 333 00:24:42,831 --> 00:24:46,034 Don't care. Make it up. That's an order, Jones. 334 00:24:46,209 --> 00:24:48,830 So, how about a drink at my place? 335 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:53,213 Totally innocent, no funny business, just full sex. 336 00:24:55,884 --> 00:24:58,007 I should get a taxi. 337 00:24:58,094 --> 00:25:01,297 But thank you for the lovely dinner. 338 00:25:04,809 --> 00:25:06,600 It's a pleasure, Jones. 339 00:25:22,949 --> 00:25:26,531 You're aIone aII the time 340 00:25:27,786 --> 00:25:30,455 Does it ever bother you 341 00:25:30,539 --> 00:25:32,578 Have you asked why 342 00:25:32,666 --> 00:25:36,449 You seem to faII in Iove 343 00:25:36,544 --> 00:25:38,620 And out again 344 00:25:38,712 --> 00:25:42,496 Do you reaIIy ever Iove 345 00:25:42,591 --> 00:25:44,133 Or just pretend 346 00:25:44,217 --> 00:25:48,925 Baby, why fooI yourseIf 347 00:25:49,013 --> 00:25:52,381 Don't be afraid to heIp yourseIf 348 00:25:52,474 --> 00:25:55,475 Now, these are very silly little boots, Jones. 349 00:25:56,353 --> 00:25:59,021 And this is a very silly little dress... 350 00:25:59,105 --> 00:26:03,434 and these are-- 351 00:26:03,525 --> 00:26:06,146 fuck me-- absolutely enormous pants. 352 00:26:06,236 --> 00:26:09,936 -Jesus. Fuck. - No. Don't apologize. I like them. 353 00:26:10,865 --> 00:26:12,656 Hello, Mummy! 354 00:26:16,245 --> 00:26:18,118 I have to have another look. They're too good to be true. 355 00:26:18,205 --> 00:26:20,078 Nothing to be embarrassed about. 356 00:26:20,165 --> 00:26:22,786 I'm wearing something similar myself. Here. I'll show you. 357 00:26:24,585 --> 00:26:30,504 This time decide that you wiII open up 358 00:26:30,590 --> 00:26:32,713 Let it in 359 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:36,750 There's no shame in sharing Iove 360 00:26:36,845 --> 00:26:39,632 You feeI within 361 00:26:39,723 --> 00:26:42,344 So jump right in 362 00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:45,268 Head over heeIs 363 00:26:45,353 --> 00:26:47,226 And faII right in 364 00:26:49,231 --> 00:26:51,852 That was fantastic. 365 00:26:56,279 --> 00:26:58,816 What happens at the office? 366 00:26:59,532 --> 00:27:01,690 I'm glad you asked that. You see... 367 00:27:01,783 --> 00:27:05,781 it's a publishing house, so that means people write things for us... 368 00:27:05,870 --> 00:27:08,443 and then we print out all the pages and fasten them together... 369 00:27:08,539 --> 00:27:10,615 and make them into what we call a ''book,''Jones. 370 00:27:11,792 --> 00:27:13,784 Do you think people will notice? 371 00:27:15,212 --> 00:27:17,702 - Notice what? - Us. 372 00:27:17,797 --> 00:27:19,457 Working together, sleeping together. 373 00:27:19,549 --> 00:27:21,541 Hang on a minute, Jones. 374 00:27:21,634 --> 00:27:25,713 Just slow down. It started on Tuesday, and now it's Thursday. 375 00:27:26,596 --> 00:27:30,593 It's not exactly a long-term relationship yet, is it? 376 00:27:32,059 --> 00:27:35,926 You very bad man. 377 00:27:44,236 --> 00:27:46,525 Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess... 378 00:27:46,613 --> 00:27:49,104 with a very bad man between her thighs. 379 00:27:50,408 --> 00:27:52,531 Mum. 380 00:27:52,619 --> 00:27:54,694 It's a truth universaIIy acknowIedged... 381 00:27:54,787 --> 00:27:58,535 that the moment one area of your Iife starts going okay... 382 00:27:58,624 --> 00:28:02,952 another part of it faIIs spectacuIarIy to pieces. 383 00:28:03,044 --> 00:28:06,543 Anyone else want to have it oeuf? Don't be shy, madam. 384 00:28:06,631 --> 00:28:08,041 French. 385 00:28:08,132 --> 00:28:13,505 Have it oeuf with the WiseCrack Egg Peeler. 386 00:28:13,595 --> 00:28:16,382 Now, nice, firm grip. 387 00:28:17,807 --> 00:28:20,558 Put it in the hole. 388 00:28:20,643 --> 00:28:25,103 Up, down, up, down, and off it comes in your hand. 389 00:28:27,065 --> 00:28:29,935 Mind the overspray. Sorry. 390 00:28:33,153 --> 00:28:36,189 Darling, if I came in with my knickers on my head, he wouldn't notice. 391 00:28:36,281 --> 00:28:38,190 I've spent 35 years cleaning his house... 392 00:28:38,283 --> 00:28:40,773 washing his clothes, bringing up his children. 393 00:28:40,868 --> 00:28:43,026 I'm your child too. 394 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:46,489 To be honest, darling, having children isn't all it's cracked up to be. 395 00:28:46,581 --> 00:28:48,823 Given my chance again, I'm not sure I'd have any. 396 00:28:49,626 --> 00:28:53,705 Now it's the winter of my life, and I haven't actually got anything of my own. 397 00:28:53,796 --> 00:28:56,915 I've got no power, no real career... 398 00:28:57,007 --> 00:28:59,545 no sex life. 399 00:28:59,634 --> 00:29:03,418 Got no life at all. I'm like the grasshopper who sang all summer. 400 00:29:03,512 --> 00:29:06,715 - Like Germaine sodding Geer. - Greer. 401 00:29:06,807 --> 00:29:08,265 Well, anyway, I'm not having it. 402 00:29:08,350 --> 00:29:10,556 And I've been talent-spotted. 403 00:29:10,644 --> 00:29:13,348 Julian thinks I've got great potential. 404 00:29:13,438 --> 00:29:16,391 - Who's Julian? - From the Home Shopping Channel. 405 00:29:16,482 --> 00:29:18,474 Comes into the store to have his colours done. 406 00:29:18,567 --> 00:29:20,191 Potential for what? 407 00:29:20,277 --> 00:29:24,404 As a demonstrator on his cable show-- you know, his assistant. 408 00:29:24,489 --> 00:29:26,777 Apparently, it's the highest-rated show on the channel. 409 00:29:26,866 --> 00:29:30,281 Apart from the one with the fat people who beat up their relatives. 410 00:29:30,369 --> 00:29:33,405 I must whiz. Have you heard from Mark Darcy? 411 00:29:33,496 --> 00:29:35,156 Goodbye, Mum. 412 00:29:56,933 --> 00:30:01,179 And a few weeks Iater, it got Iots worse. 413 00:30:01,270 --> 00:30:04,389 - Hello! - Look at this. 414 00:30:04,481 --> 00:30:06,639 ...hanging off this heart-shaped pendant. 415 00:30:06,733 --> 00:30:09,899 One of my own personaI recommendations... 416 00:30:09,986 --> 00:30:15,027 is this absoIuteIy stunning matching neckIace and earring set. 417 00:30:15,115 --> 00:30:20,951 The earrings, measuring just over a centimetre... 418 00:30:21,037 --> 00:30:24,904 in genuine diamante with topaz and Iapis IazuIi... 419 00:30:24,999 --> 00:30:27,952 in a IoveIy mock-goId finish. 420 00:30:28,043 --> 00:30:32,289 The exact repIica of those worn at WimbIedon in 1993... 421 00:30:32,380 --> 00:30:35,131 by Her RoyaI Highness, the Duchess of Kent. 422 00:30:39,595 --> 00:30:41,801 Has she actually moved out, then? 423 00:30:42,764 --> 00:30:46,843 Apparently she and this tangerine-tinted buffoon are suddenly an item. 424 00:30:46,934 --> 00:30:49,935 Half our friends have had them 'round to bloody dinner. 425 00:30:50,020 --> 00:30:54,148 She's even taking jaundiced Julian to Una Alconbury's tarts and vicars party. 426 00:30:54,232 --> 00:30:57,019 That's not the Pamela I knew. That's cruel. 427 00:30:57,110 --> 00:30:59,018 Still... 428 00:30:59,111 --> 00:31:01,649 could be a golden opportunity. 429 00:31:01,738 --> 00:31:04,490 If you spent the entire party... 430 00:31:04,574 --> 00:31:07,859 f irting with other women, it would drive Mum wild with jealousy. 431 00:31:07,952 --> 00:31:11,036 - Will it? - That's how I got my man. 432 00:31:11,122 --> 00:31:14,205 Have you got a boyfriend? A real one? 433 00:31:14,291 --> 00:31:17,742 I have, Father. I have. 434 00:31:17,836 --> 00:31:20,753 And he's perfect. 435 00:31:39,813 --> 00:31:43,561 Hurrah. Am no Ionger tragic spinster... 436 00:31:43,649 --> 00:31:46,899 but proper girIfriend of bona fide sex god-- 437 00:31:46,985 --> 00:31:49,061 so committed that he's taking me... 438 00:31:49,154 --> 00:31:51,823 on a fuII-bIown, minibreak hoIiday weekend. 439 00:31:52,991 --> 00:31:54,948 Promise me we don't have to sit in little boats... 440 00:31:55,034 --> 00:31:56,943 and read poncey poetry to each other. 441 00:31:57,036 --> 00:31:59,111 He's aIso agreed to protect me... 442 00:31:59,204 --> 00:32:01,873 at UncIe Geoffrey's hideous tarts and vicars party. 443 00:32:01,957 --> 00:32:06,001 This can't be just shagging. A minibreak means true Iove. 444 00:32:07,795 --> 00:32:11,662 SuddenIy feeI Iike screen goddess in manner of Grace KeIIy. 445 00:32:15,009 --> 00:32:19,054 Though, perhaps, ever so sIightIy Iess eIegant under pressure. 446 00:32:23,225 --> 00:32:26,759 Very quiet here, isn't it? Are we the only guests? 447 00:32:26,853 --> 00:32:28,644 We have a wedding this weekend. 448 00:32:28,729 --> 00:32:31,398 I believe there are just four of you not involved. 449 00:32:33,650 --> 00:32:36,058 You do the boats. I'll do the tea. 450 00:32:37,654 --> 00:32:39,895 - Oh, Jesus. - Hello there. 451 00:32:42,116 --> 00:32:43,859 Well, well. 452 00:32:43,951 --> 00:32:46,738 Take it you're also heading for Alconburys' rockery. 453 00:32:46,828 --> 00:32:51,122 - Yes, that's right. - I brought Natasha. 454 00:32:51,207 --> 00:32:54,741 Get a bit of work done. Thought I might make it a not entirely wasted weekend. 455 00:32:54,835 --> 00:32:58,120 How interesting. What a gripping life you do lead. 456 00:32:58,213 --> 00:33:01,214 I'll see you upstairs in a second. 457 00:33:15,770 --> 00:33:17,809 The weakness of their case... 458 00:33:17,897 --> 00:33:20,185 lies in the deposition they made on August 30. 459 00:33:20,274 --> 00:33:21,981 ''Season of mist... 460 00:33:22,067 --> 00:33:25,684 and mellow fruitlessness.'' 461 00:33:25,778 --> 00:33:28,981 Oh, fuck me, I love Keats. Have you heard this one? 462 00:33:29,073 --> 00:33:31,195 There was a young woman from Ealing... 463 00:33:31,283 --> 00:33:33,856 who had a peculiar feeling. 464 00:33:33,952 --> 00:33:36,952 She lay on her back and opened her crack... 465 00:33:37,038 --> 00:33:39,825 and pissed all over the ceiling. 466 00:33:39,915 --> 00:33:41,872 Bollocks. Shit. 467 00:33:41,959 --> 00:33:45,458 - I'm boarding you. No alternative. - Don't you dare! 468 00:33:45,545 --> 00:33:47,621 - I'm king of the world! - No! 469 00:33:47,714 --> 00:33:48,912 Fuck me! 470 00:33:54,428 --> 00:33:57,927 - Piss and bollocks. That's it. - You stupid arse! 471 00:34:00,433 --> 00:34:02,306 Bollocks. 472 00:34:05,771 --> 00:34:07,846 So childish. 473 00:34:09,482 --> 00:34:13,100 - Yes. - Darce, come on in! 474 00:34:13,194 --> 00:34:15,067 Water's lovely. 475 00:34:15,154 --> 00:34:17,905 You're working too hard, mate. 476 00:34:21,117 --> 00:34:22,066 Yes? 477 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:25,244 That thing you just did is actually illegal in several countries. 478 00:34:25,329 --> 00:34:29,326 That is the major reason I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today. 479 00:34:30,167 --> 00:34:32,538 I can't understand why the prime minister... 480 00:34:32,627 --> 00:34:35,034 doesn't mention it more in his speeches. 481 00:34:35,129 --> 00:34:38,295 - You should write to him about it. - I intend to. 482 00:34:44,846 --> 00:34:48,095 - Do you love me? - Shut up, or I'll do it again. 483 00:34:50,267 --> 00:34:53,386 - Do you love me? - Right. You asked for it. 484 00:34:54,271 --> 00:34:56,726 And over you go. 485 00:34:56,814 --> 00:34:58,641 I'm going to give you something to bite on. 486 00:34:58,733 --> 00:35:02,066 Here. Okay? Pop this in your mouth, darling. 487 00:35:04,738 --> 00:35:06,944 You're begging for it. 488 00:35:07,031 --> 00:35:08,823 Stop it! 489 00:35:22,962 --> 00:35:27,540 I've got to go back to town. A meeting's come up. 490 00:35:27,632 --> 00:35:30,503 - On a Sunday? - The meeting's first thing tomorrow. 491 00:35:30,593 --> 00:35:32,502 I've got to work on some figures. 492 00:35:32,595 --> 00:35:36,094 We could just pop into the party... 493 00:35:36,181 --> 00:35:39,764 - for a minute and leave early. - I'm sorry. I just can't do it. 494 00:35:40,685 --> 00:35:42,642 I've got to head back. 495 00:35:42,729 --> 00:35:47,473 Listen, if you've changed your mind, you could just say so. 496 00:35:47,566 --> 00:35:50,021 Because, honestly, I don't see what could be so important. 497 00:35:50,110 --> 00:35:52,316 No, well, you wouldn't, would you? 498 00:35:52,404 --> 00:35:57,444 'Cause you don't have the faintest idea of how much trouble the company's in. 499 00:35:57,533 --> 00:36:00,783 You swan in in your short skirt and your sexy see-through blouse... 500 00:36:00,869 --> 00:36:02,778 and fanny around with press releases. 501 00:36:02,871 --> 00:36:05,575 This is the Americans fying in 'cause they're thinking of shutting us down... 502 00:36:05,665 --> 00:36:07,207 for fuck's sake! 503 00:36:10,919 --> 00:36:12,164 Sorry. 504 00:36:13,672 --> 00:36:15,629 I'm sorry. I'm being a prat. 505 00:36:24,222 --> 00:36:26,594 I'm going to arrange a lovely car to come and pick you up... 506 00:36:26,683 --> 00:36:28,841 and take you back to London after the party, okay? 507 00:36:28,935 --> 00:36:30,974 If you have to travel alone, travel in style. 508 00:36:33,105 --> 00:36:37,102 And I also think it's very important... 509 00:36:37,192 --> 00:36:40,311 that you win this costume competition. 510 00:36:41,946 --> 00:36:44,353 Good. Good start. 511 00:36:46,658 --> 00:36:49,327 Now, then, Miss Jones, where does this go? 512 00:36:52,455 --> 00:36:55,491 Oh, weII, here we go. 513 00:36:55,583 --> 00:37:00,327 Trying hard to fight off a vision of Mum and Auntie Una in fishnet tights. 514 00:37:00,420 --> 00:37:03,207 Seems unnaturaI, wrong even, for 60-year-oIds... 515 00:37:03,297 --> 00:37:06,713 to dress up as prostitutes and priests on a Sunday afternoon. 516 00:37:12,055 --> 00:37:13,964 Oh, hoIy Jesus. 517 00:37:17,184 --> 00:37:20,884 - Where are the other tarts and vicars? - Didn't Geoffrey call you? 518 00:37:20,979 --> 00:37:24,727 -Didn't you telephone Colin and Bridget? -How's my little Bridget? 519 00:37:28,694 --> 00:37:30,686 Where's this chap of yours? 520 00:37:30,779 --> 00:37:34,314 - He had to work, so-- - Likely tale. 521 00:37:34,407 --> 00:37:36,234 Off they run. 522 00:37:39,870 --> 00:37:43,120 Bizarre what some men find attractive. 523 00:37:44,207 --> 00:37:46,413 - Oh, God. - Darling. 524 00:37:47,669 --> 00:37:51,333 What on earth are you wearing? You look like a common prostitute. 525 00:37:51,422 --> 00:37:54,506 - Yes, that was actually the point. - Say hi to Julian. 526 00:37:54,591 --> 00:37:56,584 Hello, Julian. 527 00:37:56,676 --> 00:37:59,961 My dear, you and your mother could be sisters. 528 00:38:01,639 --> 00:38:03,430 And what a lovely bracelet. 529 00:38:03,516 --> 00:38:05,093 It's what I call an ''all-rounder.'' 530 00:38:05,184 --> 00:38:08,184 Sort of thing one can wear with anything to any occasion. 531 00:38:09,813 --> 00:38:11,722 Have you spoken to my dad? 532 00:38:11,814 --> 00:38:14,483 Yes. He's behaving most bizarrely. 533 00:38:14,567 --> 00:38:18,480 I think he was trying to f irt with Penny Husbands-Bosworth, poor thing. 534 00:38:18,570 --> 00:38:21,689 She was very frightened. She's only just had her ovaries done. 535 00:38:27,161 --> 00:38:30,410 - I don't know what you ever saw in him. - Shh. Bad man. 536 00:38:39,797 --> 00:38:41,789 Didn't tell you either? 537 00:38:44,843 --> 00:38:47,049 I didn't spend as much as Bernard, thank God. 538 00:38:54,392 --> 00:38:57,843 - I'm sorry, Dad. - The way she looked at me. 539 00:38:58,938 --> 00:39:00,895 She loves you, really. 540 00:39:00,981 --> 00:39:04,564 You love each other. This is only a temporary glitch. 541 00:39:04,651 --> 00:39:07,521 Is it? I don't know. 542 00:39:08,696 --> 00:39:10,689 I don't know. 543 00:39:15,035 --> 00:39:17,277 There you are. Don't worry. You're not the only one. 544 00:39:17,370 --> 00:39:19,991 This is Penny. Geoffrey didn't get in touch with her either. 545 00:39:20,081 --> 00:39:22,832 - I'm sorry? - Geoffrey didn't contact you either... 546 00:39:22,917 --> 00:39:25,668 to tell you the tarts and vicars concept had gone out the window. 547 00:39:25,753 --> 00:39:29,038 - Yes, he did. - Oh, right. 548 00:39:29,130 --> 00:39:32,214 Lovely dress. Very exotic. 549 00:39:36,095 --> 00:39:39,261 Shame you couldn't bring your boyfriend. What's his name? David? Darren? 550 00:39:39,347 --> 00:39:41,221 Daniel Cleaver. 551 00:39:41,307 --> 00:39:43,928 - Is he a friend of yours, Mark? - Absolutely not. 552 00:39:44,018 --> 00:39:46,390 I hope he's good enough for our little Bridget. 553 00:39:46,479 --> 00:39:49,479 I think I can say with total confidence, absolutely not. 554 00:39:49,565 --> 00:39:53,099 I'm sure he'd say the same about you, given your past behaviour. 555 00:39:53,193 --> 00:39:56,312 - Sorry? - I think you know what I mean. 556 00:40:12,084 --> 00:40:15,168 Looks Iike Auntie ShirIey didn't get the message either. 557 00:40:26,471 --> 00:40:29,886 I just really, really wanted to see a friendly face. 558 00:40:29,974 --> 00:40:32,844 Now, listen. I tell you what. I have an idea. 559 00:40:32,935 --> 00:40:36,350 Let me finish this while you go home and have a long hot bath... 560 00:40:36,438 --> 00:40:39,474 and I'll call 'round, and we'll have dinner later, okay? 561 00:40:42,818 --> 00:40:46,768 - Is there someone here? - Not that I'm aware of. 562 00:40:46,863 --> 00:40:49,983 Unless that Bosnian family's moved in again. Bastards. 563 00:41:04,170 --> 00:41:06,921 I'm sorry. Sorry. 564 00:41:09,841 --> 00:41:11,300 I'm going mad. 565 00:41:11,384 --> 00:41:13,543 Listen, I am feeling really bad, actually. 566 00:41:13,636 --> 00:41:15,214 - I should have been there. - No, I'm sorry. 567 00:41:15,304 --> 00:41:18,839 No, I'm sorry. At least I got a lot of work done. 568 00:41:18,933 --> 00:41:20,841 Just give me one more hour, okay? 569 00:41:20,934 --> 00:41:25,062 Fine. That's fine. I'll go home and de-bunny. 570 00:41:27,982 --> 00:41:32,311 And you know last night when I said I loved you? 571 00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:36,155 I didn't mean it. I was being ironic. 572 00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:38,730 Good. I know. 573 00:41:44,121 --> 00:41:46,113 Thank you, madam. 574 00:42:18,025 --> 00:42:20,598 This is Lara from the New York office. 575 00:42:22,028 --> 00:42:24,186 Lara, this is Bridget. 576 00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:25,988 Hey there. 577 00:42:28,909 --> 00:42:31,234 I thought you said she was thin. 578 00:43:22,038 --> 00:43:24,707 I was hoping that you wouId want to be a part of it. 579 00:43:24,790 --> 00:43:28,787 Listen, this is totaIIy insane. 580 00:43:28,877 --> 00:43:33,040 I'm 36. It may be my Iast chance to have a chiId. 581 00:43:50,395 --> 00:43:53,811 The maIe penetrates the femaIe and Ieaves. 582 00:43:53,898 --> 00:43:56,934 Coitus is brief and perfunctory. 583 00:43:57,026 --> 00:44:01,734 For the femaIe, aII there is to do now is wait and wait. 584 00:44:27,177 --> 00:44:29,418 We've had a very good response... 585 00:44:29,512 --> 00:44:31,718 to the Teddy Knows Best teaser campaign... 586 00:44:31,806 --> 00:44:35,850 and had various local radio bids for author interviews, which is good-- 587 00:44:35,934 --> 00:44:39,219 Stop that. I feel terrible. 588 00:44:40,021 --> 00:44:43,306 The thing is with Lara and me-- 589 00:44:44,108 --> 00:44:47,192 - Well, you know. - No, you'll have to fill me in. 590 00:44:47,277 --> 00:44:51,570 The truth is we're the same, Bridge, you and me. 591 00:44:51,656 --> 00:44:54,822 We're two people of a certain age looking for the moment to commit... 592 00:44:54,909 --> 00:44:57,234 and finding it really hard. 593 00:44:57,327 --> 00:44:59,201 And I just think that in the end... 594 00:44:59,288 --> 00:45:04,529 it's got to be something extraordinary which makes us go that extra mile... 595 00:45:04,625 --> 00:45:11,505 and I think Lara being American or something to do with confidence... 596 00:45:11,590 --> 00:45:13,582 and being so... 597 00:45:15,385 --> 00:45:17,756 well, young, you know. 598 00:45:22,974 --> 00:45:26,390 We've become very close. 599 00:45:26,477 --> 00:45:29,928 You've only just met her. She few in yesterday. 600 00:45:36,277 --> 00:45:38,151 Silly Bridget. 601 00:45:38,237 --> 00:45:41,855 - You haven't only just met her. - No. 602 00:45:41,949 --> 00:45:46,326 No, I got to know her pretty well when we were in the New York office together. 603 00:45:49,289 --> 00:45:51,197 Oh, fuck. 604 00:45:52,041 --> 00:45:54,117 There's no easy way to say this, but... 605 00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:58,664 I wanted you to be the first to know that... 606 00:46:01,049 --> 00:46:03,041 we're engaged. 607 00:46:22,734 --> 00:46:27,728 At times Iike this, continuing with one's Iife seems impossibIe... 608 00:46:27,821 --> 00:46:32,898 and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitabIe. 609 00:46:34,827 --> 00:46:38,445 to give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood... 610 00:46:38,539 --> 00:46:41,374 and eventuaI eating by AIsatians... 611 00:46:42,501 --> 00:46:46,035 or not, and this time I choose not. 612 00:46:46,963 --> 00:46:51,708 I wiII not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick insect. 613 00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:54,801 Instead, I choose vodka. 614 00:46:56,179 --> 00:46:58,218 And Chaka Khan. 615 00:47:54,896 --> 00:47:56,556 Why do you want to be in television? 616 00:47:56,647 --> 00:48:00,347 Well, I've realized that I've become deeply committed... 617 00:48:00,442 --> 00:48:04,736 to communicating to the public the up-to-the-moment and in-depth news... 618 00:48:04,821 --> 00:48:06,813 both political and ecological. 619 00:48:06,906 --> 00:48:10,322 What do you think of the El Nino phenomenon? 620 00:48:10,409 --> 00:48:12,117 It's a blip. 621 00:48:12,202 --> 00:48:15,156 I think, basically, Latin music is on its way out. 622 00:48:16,831 --> 00:48:18,242 Why television? 623 00:48:18,333 --> 00:48:22,246 Because I'm passionately committed to communicating with children. 624 00:48:22,336 --> 00:48:25,669 - They are the future. - Do you have any children of your own? 625 00:48:25,756 --> 00:48:27,914 Christ, no. 626 00:48:30,510 --> 00:48:32,336 Sorry. 627 00:48:32,428 --> 00:48:34,219 So, why do you want to work in television? 628 00:48:34,305 --> 00:48:37,887 I've got to leave my current job because I've shagged my boss. 629 00:48:37,974 --> 00:48:41,224 Fair enough. Start Monday. We'll see how we go. 630 00:48:41,311 --> 00:48:44,394 And, incidentally... 631 00:48:44,939 --> 00:48:48,770 at Sit Up, Britain, no one ever gets sacked for shaggin' the boss. 632 00:48:48,859 --> 00:48:50,685 That's a matter of principle. 633 00:48:55,489 --> 00:48:58,443 Bridge, come on. 634 00:48:58,534 --> 00:49:01,700 I know it's been awkward as arse, but there's no need to leave. 635 00:49:01,786 --> 00:49:06,531 No, actually, there is. I've been offered a job in television. 636 00:49:06,624 --> 00:49:08,082 Television? 637 00:49:09,209 --> 00:49:11,285 And they want me to start straight away. 638 00:49:11,378 --> 00:49:15,245 So I've got to leave in about three minutes. 639 00:49:19,843 --> 00:49:22,381 Just hold it right there, Miss Jones. 640 00:49:22,471 --> 00:49:25,637 I'm sorry to inform you, but I think you'll find that, by contract... 641 00:49:25,724 --> 00:49:28,261 you are expected to give at least six weeks' notice. 642 00:49:28,351 --> 00:49:31,684 Yes. Well, I thought with the company being in so much trouble and all... 643 00:49:31,770 --> 00:49:35,470 you wouldn't miss the person who ''waltzes in in a see-through top... 644 00:49:35,565 --> 00:49:37,937 and fannies about with the press releases.'' 645 00:49:41,028 --> 00:49:43,733 I want to hear this. Because if she gives one inch... 646 00:49:43,822 --> 00:49:47,654 I'm gonna fire her bony little bottom anyway for being totally spineless. 647 00:49:48,785 --> 00:49:52,864 - What? - I just think you should know that... 648 00:49:52,955 --> 00:49:55,742 there are lots of prospects here for a talented p-- 649 00:49:55,833 --> 00:49:56,995 Just give me a minute, would you, Simon? Thanks. 650 00:49:57,084 --> 00:49:58,542 Righto, boss man. 651 00:49:59,794 --> 00:50:02,914 Lots of prospects for a person who... 652 00:50:04,131 --> 00:50:09,920 perhaps for personal reasons has been slightly overlooked professionally. 653 00:50:10,011 --> 00:50:13,012 Thank you, Daniel. That is very good to know. 654 00:50:13,097 --> 00:50:16,632 But if staying here means working within ten yards of you... 655 00:50:16,725 --> 00:50:20,723 frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's ass. 656 00:50:20,812 --> 00:50:24,430 R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me 657 00:50:24,524 --> 00:50:27,892 R-E-S-P-E-C-T Take care of T-C-B 658 00:50:27,985 --> 00:50:29,977 Sock it to me, sock it to me sock it to me 659 00:50:31,488 --> 00:50:34,405 - Well, bye, everyone. - Just a IittIe bit 660 00:50:34,491 --> 00:50:36,566 A IittIe respect 661 00:50:36,659 --> 00:50:38,319 AII the time 662 00:50:38,411 --> 00:50:40,118 Keep on trying 663 00:50:40,204 --> 00:50:41,781 You're running out, fooI 664 00:50:42,914 --> 00:50:44,325 Just sod off. 665 00:50:44,541 --> 00:50:47,909 HeIIo and weIcome to Sit Up, Britain, a current affairs show-- 666 00:50:48,002 --> 00:50:51,951 Okay, everybody, it is bonfire night, and we are on fire. 667 00:50:52,047 --> 00:50:55,250 We have Iive fire station feeds from NewcastIe... 668 00:50:55,342 --> 00:50:58,342 Swansea, SheffieId and Lewisham... 669 00:50:58,428 --> 00:51:00,219 just poised for tragedy. 670 00:51:00,304 --> 00:51:02,427 Bridget Jones, where are you? 671 00:51:04,433 --> 00:51:06,674 - I'm here, Richard. - Put on some more make-up. 672 00:51:06,768 --> 00:51:10,765 I want you on camera. I'm thinking miniskirt. 673 00:51:10,855 --> 00:51:14,389 I'm thinking fireman's helmet. I want you pointing a hose. 674 00:51:14,483 --> 00:51:17,270 I want you sliding down the pole. Then go straight to the interview. 675 00:51:17,361 --> 00:51:20,278 Great. I'II do it. 676 00:51:23,699 --> 00:51:25,739 No problem. Fine. Right. 677 00:51:25,826 --> 00:51:28,447 So you drop into shot and then interview Chief Fireman Bevan. 678 00:51:28,537 --> 00:51:31,027 Yep. Go, go. 679 00:51:31,122 --> 00:51:33,578 - Go? - Oh, no. 680 00:51:33,666 --> 00:51:35,789 We're going to firefighters in Newcastle first. 681 00:51:35,876 --> 00:51:38,118 Stop! Climb back up. 682 00:51:38,212 --> 00:51:40,003 Climb back up. On you in 30 seconds. 683 00:51:44,926 --> 00:51:46,586 What is going on? 684 00:51:46,677 --> 00:51:48,919 She's supposed to be sIiding down the poIe, not cIimbing it. 685 00:51:49,013 --> 00:51:51,550 - Go, go. Go! - Okay! 686 00:51:53,350 --> 00:51:54,808 Oh, Jesus Christ! 687 00:51:57,395 --> 00:51:59,885 We're out of time. Just wind her up. 688 00:51:59,980 --> 00:52:05,519 WeII, that seems to be about aII we've got time for down here in Lewisham. 689 00:52:05,610 --> 00:52:08,776 Chief Officer Bevan, thank you very much. 690 00:52:08,863 --> 00:52:10,689 ExceIIent fire station. 691 00:52:11,490 --> 00:52:15,024 And now back to the studio. 692 00:52:21,415 --> 00:52:24,582 ExceIIent. Am nationaI Iaughing stock. 693 00:52:24,668 --> 00:52:26,791 Have bottom the size of BraziI... 694 00:52:26,878 --> 00:52:30,461 am daughter of broken home, am rubbish at everything and-- 695 00:52:30,548 --> 00:52:34,213 Oh, God. Am having dinner with Magda and Jeremy. 696 00:52:34,301 --> 00:52:37,006 The onIy thing worse than smug, married coupIe-- 697 00:52:37,095 --> 00:52:40,012 Lots of smug, married couples. 698 00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:42,763 Right. Everyone, this is Bridget. 699 00:52:43,893 --> 00:52:45,601 Bridge, this is Hugo and Jane. 700 00:52:45,686 --> 00:52:48,521 You know Cosmo and Woney. 701 00:52:49,940 --> 00:52:52,430 - This is Alistair and Henrietta. - Hello. 702 00:52:52,525 --> 00:52:55,277 -Julia and Michael.Joanne and Paul. - Hello. 703 00:52:55,361 --> 00:52:59,738 And Jeremy's partners from chambers, Natasha Glenville and Mark Darcy. 704 00:52:59,823 --> 00:53:02,230 - Hi there. - Hello. 705 00:53:02,325 --> 00:53:05,491 - Not in your bunny girl outfit today? - No. 706 00:53:05,578 --> 00:53:10,204 We bunnies only wear our tails on very special occasions. 707 00:53:10,290 --> 00:53:12,496 - Right, B. Sit yourself down. - Right. 708 00:53:15,670 --> 00:53:18,706 Hey, Bridge, how's your love life? 709 00:53:20,007 --> 00:53:22,545 Still going out with that publishing chappie? 710 00:53:22,634 --> 00:53:24,959 No, actually. 711 00:53:26,304 --> 00:53:29,174 Never dip your nib in the office ink. 712 00:53:29,265 --> 00:53:30,344 Right. 713 00:53:30,433 --> 00:53:34,477 You really ought to hurry up and get sprogged up, old girl. 714 00:53:34,561 --> 00:53:38,095 Time's a-running out. Tick-tock. 715 00:53:38,940 --> 00:53:40,683 Yes, yes. 716 00:53:40,775 --> 00:53:44,523 Tell me, is it one in four marriages that ends in divorce now or one in three? 717 00:53:44,611 --> 00:53:45,892 One in three. 718 00:53:47,114 --> 00:53:51,858 Seriously, the office is full of single girls in their 30s. 719 00:53:51,951 --> 00:53:55,900 Fine physical specimens, but they just can't seem to hold down a chap. 720 00:53:57,289 --> 00:54:01,238 Yes, why is it there are so many unmarried women in their 30s these days? 721 00:54:07,798 --> 00:54:10,170 I don't know. 722 00:54:10,258 --> 00:54:13,128 I suppose it doesn't help that, underneath our clothes... 723 00:54:13,219 --> 00:54:15,544 our entire bodies are covered in scales. 724 00:54:28,649 --> 00:54:32,100 I very much enjoyed your Lewisham fire report, by the way. 725 00:54:33,820 --> 00:54:35,777 Thank you. 726 00:54:44,204 --> 00:54:47,904 So, it didn't work out with Daniel Cleaver? 727 00:54:48,833 --> 00:54:50,113 No, it didn't. 728 00:54:52,002 --> 00:54:54,410 I'm delighted to hear it. 729 00:54:54,504 --> 00:54:57,540 Look, are you and Cosmo in this together? 730 00:54:57,632 --> 00:55:00,170 You seem to go out of your way to try to make me feel... 731 00:55:00,259 --> 00:55:02,880 like a complete idiot every time I see you... 732 00:55:02,970 --> 00:55:06,385 and you really needn't bother. 733 00:55:06,473 --> 00:55:10,802 I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway... 734 00:55:10,893 --> 00:55:13,645 with or without a fireman's pole. 735 00:55:16,315 --> 00:55:20,229 That'll be my taxi. Good night. 736 00:55:20,318 --> 00:55:23,603 Look, I'm sorry if I've been-- 737 00:55:24,614 --> 00:55:25,942 What? 738 00:55:26,031 --> 00:55:28,189 I don't think you're an idiot at all. 739 00:55:29,868 --> 00:55:33,865 I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. 740 00:55:33,955 --> 00:55:36,196 Your mother's pretty interesting. 741 00:55:36,290 --> 00:55:39,493 And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. 742 00:55:39,585 --> 00:55:41,873 And you tend to let whatever is in your head... 743 00:55:41,962 --> 00:55:45,377 come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences. 744 00:55:46,424 --> 00:55:49,792 I realize that when I met you at the turkey curry buffet... 745 00:55:49,885 --> 00:55:54,712 that I was unforgivably rude and wearing a reindeer jumper... 746 00:55:54,806 --> 00:55:57,094 that my mother had given me the day before. 747 00:55:58,351 --> 00:56:00,473 But the thing is-- 748 00:56:00,561 --> 00:56:04,640 What I'm trying to say, very inarticulately... 749 00:56:04,731 --> 00:56:07,138 is that... 750 00:56:08,401 --> 00:56:12,398 in fact, perhaps, despite appearances... 751 00:56:13,363 --> 00:56:15,984 I like you very much. 752 00:56:16,866 --> 00:56:19,191 Apart from the smoking and the drinking... 753 00:56:19,285 --> 00:56:22,155 and the vulgar mother and the verbal diarrhoea. 754 00:56:22,246 --> 00:56:26,077 No, I like you very much, just as you are. 755 00:56:27,792 --> 00:56:31,493 Mark, we really are making progress on the case in here. 756 00:56:31,587 --> 00:56:35,454 Jeremy's had a most brilliant idea. 757 00:56:35,549 --> 00:56:37,209 Right. 758 00:56:41,471 --> 00:56:43,796 I must go because-- 759 00:56:45,182 --> 00:56:48,765 Well, bye. 760 00:57:00,904 --> 00:57:05,447 ''Just as you are''? Not thinner? Not cleverer? 761 00:57:05,533 --> 00:57:08,569 Not with slightly bigger breasts and a slightly smaller nose? 762 00:57:14,708 --> 00:57:17,625 Well, fuck me. 763 00:57:22,005 --> 00:57:24,164 But this is someone you hate, right? 764 00:57:25,967 --> 00:57:28,256 Yes, yes. I hate him. 765 00:57:45,275 --> 00:57:46,817 See if you can get it right this time. 766 00:57:46,902 --> 00:57:49,392 The verdict in the Aghani-Heaney case is expected today. 767 00:57:49,487 --> 00:57:53,484 Get yourself down to the high court. I want a hardheaded interview. 768 00:57:54,783 --> 00:57:59,445 - You do know the Aghani-Heaney case? - Yes, of course. 769 00:57:59,538 --> 00:58:01,660 Big case... 770 00:58:01,748 --> 00:58:05,033 featuring someone called ''Aghani-Heaney.'' 771 00:58:05,126 --> 00:58:08,909 Or two people called Kafir Aghani and Eleanor Heaney? 772 00:58:09,004 --> 00:58:10,795 That's the one. 773 00:58:11,798 --> 00:58:14,882 She's a British aid worker. He's a Kurdish freedom fighter. 774 00:58:14,967 --> 00:58:18,502 The government want to extradite him home where he'll certainly be executed. 775 00:58:18,595 --> 00:58:21,679 She's married to him, and they've fought for five years to keep him here. 776 00:58:21,765 --> 00:58:24,635 - Today is the decision. - That's exciting. 777 00:58:25,268 --> 00:58:28,518 Yes, it is. So what are you waiting for? 778 00:58:29,563 --> 00:58:31,639 Am suddenIy hardheaded journaIist... 779 00:58:31,732 --> 00:58:34,851 ruthIessIy committed to promoting justice and Iiberty. 780 00:58:34,943 --> 00:58:39,106 Nothing can distract me from my dedication to the pursuit of truth. 781 00:58:39,196 --> 00:58:41,687 WeII, aImost nothing. 782 00:58:41,782 --> 00:58:44,818 Right. I'll just pop to the shop quickly for some ciggies. 783 00:58:45,827 --> 00:58:48,946 14P for the PoIos and the packet of Wheat Crunchies. 784 00:58:49,038 --> 00:58:52,074 - A packet of Embassy, please. - I'm sorry. I'm not quite fi-- 785 00:58:53,083 --> 00:58:55,076 Good afternoon. 786 00:58:58,505 --> 00:59:00,461 You like me just the way I am. 787 00:59:00,548 --> 00:59:04,130 - Sorry? - Nothing. 788 00:59:04,218 --> 00:59:06,376 Bridget, we fucked up utterly. 789 00:59:06,470 --> 00:59:09,091 Eleanor Heaney and Kafir Aghani have come and gone. 790 00:59:09,180 --> 00:59:11,588 Oh, God. I'll be sacked. 791 00:59:11,683 --> 00:59:13,758 Did the others get interviews? 792 00:59:13,851 --> 00:59:15,760 I don't know. I was having a slash. 793 00:59:15,853 --> 00:59:18,770 - Actually, nobody got interviews. - So how do you know? 794 00:59:18,855 --> 00:59:22,188 Because I was defending him. I told him not to give interviews. 795 00:59:24,026 --> 00:59:25,141 Look. 796 00:59:25,236 --> 00:59:27,477 I have a plan. 797 00:59:28,030 --> 00:59:29,061 And action. 798 00:59:31,032 --> 00:59:36,488 Mr Darcy, you were defending Mr Aghani. You must be delighted. 799 00:59:36,579 --> 00:59:39,152 Yes, well, Kafir Aghani has spent his entire life... 800 00:59:39,248 --> 00:59:41,454 defending the basic human rights of his own people... 801 00:59:41,541 --> 00:59:44,162 and today's verdict has been the result of five years of struggle... 802 00:59:44,252 --> 00:59:48,201 by this woman, Eleanor Heaney, to save the man she loves... 803 00:59:48,297 --> 00:59:52,164 from an extradition order tantamount to a death sentence. 804 00:59:53,343 --> 00:59:54,802 Right. 805 00:59:54,886 --> 00:59:57,803 And, Eleanor, over to you. 806 00:59:57,889 --> 01:00:00,925 Did you fancy Kafir the first time that you saw him? 807 01:00:03,644 --> 01:00:06,846 This has been Bridget Jones for Sit Up, Britain... 808 01:00:06,938 --> 01:00:11,516 with, Iet's face it, a bit of a crush now, actuaIIy. 809 01:00:11,609 --> 01:00:12,937 Good afternoon. 810 01:00:13,027 --> 01:00:17,071 Bridget Jones. Already a legend. 811 01:00:17,155 --> 01:00:20,987 I feeI fantastic, bombastic ecstaticaIIy astounded 812 01:00:21,075 --> 01:00:24,278 How a girI can reaIIy Iose her grip 813 01:00:24,370 --> 01:00:26,741 I feeI surrounded, confounded 814 01:00:26,830 --> 01:00:29,403 EmotionaIIy dumbfounded 815 01:00:29,499 --> 01:00:33,413 Oh,joy, I am broadcasting genius. 816 01:00:33,502 --> 01:00:36,586 CeIebrating by cooking birthday feast for cIose friends. 817 01:00:36,672 --> 01:00:41,380 Have sneaking suspicion am aIso genius in the kitchen as weII. 818 01:00:41,468 --> 01:00:46,010 Tie favour-enhancing leek and celery together with string. 819 01:00:46,097 --> 01:00:48,670 Right. String. 820 01:00:50,517 --> 01:00:52,426 Perfect. 821 01:00:56,147 --> 01:00:59,930 Finely slice oranges and grate zest. 822 01:01:05,863 --> 01:01:07,322 Oh, bugger, bugger! 823 01:01:12,202 --> 01:01:14,775 Where the fuck is the fucking tuna? 824 01:01:14,871 --> 01:01:18,820 This is Bridget Jones for Sit Up, Britain, searching for tuna. 825 01:01:24,421 --> 01:01:27,172 - Hello, darling. - Hi, Mum. 826 01:01:27,257 --> 01:01:30,257 - I just wanted a bit of a chat. - Ouch! 827 01:01:30,343 --> 01:01:32,714 Careful, you ham-fisted cow! 828 01:01:32,803 --> 01:01:35,424 The thing is, darling, between you and me... 829 01:01:35,514 --> 01:01:38,763 I'm not entirely sure that Julian isn't a bit of a shit. 830 01:01:38,850 --> 01:01:41,601 Mum, I haven't reaIIy got time right now. 831 01:01:41,686 --> 01:01:45,897 I can't deny the sex is still very surprising. 832 01:01:45,981 --> 01:01:48,104 You know, the other night, quite unexpectedly... 833 01:01:48,191 --> 01:01:50,397 I was just dozing off, and I felt this huge-- 834 01:01:50,485 --> 01:01:52,358 Bye, Mum. 835 01:01:57,157 --> 01:01:58,817 What time do you call this? 836 01:02:04,789 --> 01:02:06,662 The door was open. 837 01:02:07,583 --> 01:02:11,710 I came to congratulate the new face of British current affairs. 838 01:02:16,882 --> 01:02:20,002 But I see I may have come at a bad time. 839 01:02:21,720 --> 01:02:23,629 How's it look? 840 01:02:23,722 --> 01:02:25,346 Great. It's... 841 01:02:25,431 --> 01:02:26,890 blue. 842 01:02:26,974 --> 01:02:29,845 - Blue? - No, but blue is good. 843 01:02:29,935 --> 01:02:32,224 If you ask me, there isn't enough blue food. 844 01:02:32,312 --> 01:02:35,182 Oh, shit. It must have been the string. 845 01:02:35,273 --> 01:02:37,479 Oh, it's string soup. 846 01:02:37,567 --> 01:02:40,057 Oh, God. They're gonna be here any minute. 847 01:02:40,152 --> 01:02:42,773 Don't worry. I'm sure they've come to see you and not... 848 01:02:42,863 --> 01:02:45,614 orange parfait in sugar cages. 849 01:02:45,699 --> 01:02:47,905 - Let's have a drink. - Yes. 850 01:02:51,912 --> 01:02:53,490 Happy birthday. 851 01:02:53,580 --> 01:02:55,952 Thank you. 852 01:02:57,918 --> 01:03:00,373 Did I really run round your lawn naked? 853 01:03:00,461 --> 01:03:03,830 Oh, yes. You were four, and I was eight. 854 01:03:03,923 --> 01:03:06,627 That's a pretty big age difference. 855 01:03:08,093 --> 01:03:09,884 It's quite pervy, really. 856 01:03:09,969 --> 01:03:12,045 Yes, I like to think so. 857 01:03:15,766 --> 01:03:18,387 What are we going to do about this dinner, then? 858 01:03:20,312 --> 01:03:22,304 We can have blue soup to start... 859 01:03:22,397 --> 01:03:24,436 orange pudding to end... 860 01:03:24,524 --> 01:03:26,682 and, well, for the main course you have... 861 01:03:27,776 --> 01:03:29,354 congealed green gunge. 862 01:03:29,444 --> 01:03:33,062 That is caper berry gravy, actually. 863 01:03:33,156 --> 01:03:35,481 - Do you have eggs? - Yes. 864 01:03:35,575 --> 01:03:37,697 Right. Omelet it is, then. 865 01:03:37,785 --> 01:03:39,576 With caper berry gravy. 866 01:03:43,415 --> 01:03:47,079 You wouldn't by any chance have any beetroot cubes, would you? 867 01:03:48,169 --> 01:03:50,576 Minigherkin? Stuffed olive? 868 01:03:50,671 --> 01:03:52,331 No, Pam. 869 01:03:52,422 --> 01:03:55,542 And besides, I'm busy. The gravy needs sieving. 870 01:03:55,633 --> 01:03:57,626 Surely not.Just stir it, Una. 871 01:04:08,478 --> 01:04:10,138 Happy birthday! 872 01:04:10,229 --> 01:04:12,352 - TV queen! - We're so proud! 873 01:04:12,440 --> 01:04:16,306 Bridge, you looked so fucking thin! You looked fantastic! 874 01:04:18,695 --> 01:04:20,189 Hello. 875 01:04:21,197 --> 01:04:22,857 Are you joining us? 876 01:04:22,948 --> 01:04:25,273 Yeah, yeah. Of course. 877 01:04:44,592 --> 01:04:46,584 Excellent. 878 01:04:46,677 --> 01:04:48,551 Delicious. 879 01:04:48,637 --> 01:04:51,721 - Really special. - It's really very good. 880 01:04:51,806 --> 01:04:53,514 Really, it's very nice. 881 01:04:55,101 --> 01:04:57,140 So... 882 01:04:57,228 --> 01:05:00,015 Mark, why did your wife leave you? 883 01:05:00,105 --> 01:05:04,601 Eat up. Eat up. Two more lovely courses to go. 884 01:05:10,906 --> 01:05:12,484 Mmm, delicious! 885 01:05:14,034 --> 01:05:17,616 I have to say, this is the most incredible shit. 886 01:05:19,997 --> 01:05:22,488 This is the worst of the three. 887 01:05:22,583 --> 01:05:24,908 It does remind me of something. It tastes like-- 888 01:05:25,002 --> 01:05:26,543 Marmalade. 889 01:05:26,628 --> 01:05:28,916 Well done, Bridge. Four hours of careful cooking... 890 01:05:29,005 --> 01:05:31,293 and a feast of blue soup... 891 01:05:31,382 --> 01:05:33,955 - omelet and marmalade. - Thank you. 892 01:05:34,051 --> 01:05:36,506 I think that deserves a toast. To Bridget... 893 01:05:36,595 --> 01:05:38,634 who cannot cook... 894 01:05:38,722 --> 01:05:41,177 but who we love just as she is. 895 01:05:42,475 --> 01:05:44,266 To Bridget... 896 01:05:44,351 --> 01:05:46,842 just as she is. 897 01:05:55,611 --> 01:05:57,188 I'll go. 898 01:06:07,871 --> 01:06:08,986 Who? 899 01:06:10,874 --> 01:06:13,116 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 900 01:06:13,209 --> 01:06:16,412 I'm obviously interrupting. 901 01:06:16,504 --> 01:06:18,295 Darcy. 902 01:06:19,590 --> 01:06:22,127 What brings you here? 903 01:06:22,217 --> 01:06:26,048 Right, yeah. I should have guessed, shouldn't I? 904 01:06:26,137 --> 01:06:29,054 I'm Tom. It's really good to meet you at last. 905 01:06:29,140 --> 01:06:32,057 Listen, I just came to-- 906 01:06:32,142 --> 01:06:34,300 I thought you might be on your own. 907 01:06:34,394 --> 01:06:36,470 What an idiot. 908 01:06:39,357 --> 01:06:40,934 Excuse me. 909 01:06:48,198 --> 01:06:50,071 I've been going crazy. 910 01:06:50,158 --> 01:06:52,364 I can't stop thinking about you... 911 01:06:52,451 --> 01:06:55,156 and thinking what a fucking idiot I've been. 912 01:06:55,245 --> 01:06:57,914 Christ, is that blue soup? 913 01:06:57,998 --> 01:06:59,456 Yes. 914 01:06:59,541 --> 01:07:01,948 You know, that Sunday in the country-- 915 01:07:04,253 --> 01:07:06,245 Come on outside. 916 01:07:07,631 --> 01:07:10,418 It was all just going so fast-- 917 01:07:10,508 --> 01:07:13,544 the hotel and that weekend, meeting your parents. 918 01:07:13,636 --> 01:07:15,842 I just panicked. 919 01:07:15,930 --> 01:07:17,803 You know me. I'm-- 920 01:07:17,890 --> 01:07:22,468 I'm a terrible disaster with a posh voice and a bad character. 921 01:07:22,560 --> 01:07:25,051 You're the only one who can save me. I need you. 922 01:07:25,146 --> 01:07:28,182 Without you, 20 years from now, I'll be in some seedy bar... 923 01:07:28,274 --> 01:07:30,562 with some seedy blonde. 924 01:07:30,651 --> 01:07:32,773 And what about Lara? 925 01:07:32,861 --> 01:07:35,861 Oh, over, over. Totally fucking finito. 926 01:07:35,947 --> 01:07:37,654 Dumped me. 927 01:07:37,740 --> 01:07:41,819 Dumped me when she realized I hadn't got over you. 928 01:07:41,910 --> 01:07:44,994 I know you're thinking it's just a sex thing... 929 01:07:45,080 --> 01:07:47,748 but I promise you, whenever I see... 930 01:07:47,832 --> 01:07:49,741 that skimpy little skirt on TV... 931 01:07:49,834 --> 01:07:53,665 I just close my eyes and listen to all the intelligent things you'll say. 932 01:07:53,754 --> 01:07:57,003 I was thrilled that little Kurdish bloke was set free. 933 01:08:00,760 --> 01:08:02,633 I've missed you a lot. 934 01:08:07,223 --> 01:08:09,132 I'm going now. Bye. 935 01:08:10,226 --> 01:08:11,850 Mark, stay. 936 01:08:11,936 --> 01:08:13,893 No, I don't think I will. 937 01:08:13,979 --> 01:08:16,221 Don't leave on my behalf. 938 01:08:16,315 --> 01:08:20,525 It's about time you and I put this past behind us, don't you? 939 01:08:21,694 --> 01:08:24,814 At least stay for a birthday drink with me and Bridge, huh? 940 01:08:24,905 --> 01:08:26,944 Goodbye, Bridget. 941 01:08:35,164 --> 01:08:36,991 Why are you here? 942 01:08:39,459 --> 01:08:42,080 I just told you why I'm here. 943 01:08:42,170 --> 01:08:45,752 Why was Mark wanker Darcy here? Oh, bloody hell. 944 01:08:45,840 --> 01:08:47,666 Wait a minute. He's back. 945 01:08:47,758 --> 01:08:49,335 All right, Cleaver. Outside. 946 01:08:49,426 --> 01:08:51,086 I'm sorry? 947 01:08:51,178 --> 01:08:53,384 Outside? 948 01:08:53,471 --> 01:08:57,303 Should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword? 949 01:08:59,935 --> 01:09:01,133 All right. Hang on. 950 01:09:10,569 --> 01:09:12,727 I should have done this years ago. 951 01:09:12,821 --> 01:09:14,695 - Done what? - This. 952 01:09:16,032 --> 01:09:18,653 Fuck! Fuck me, that hurt! 953 01:09:20,411 --> 01:09:22,984 - What do you think you're doing? - This. 954 01:09:24,998 --> 01:09:27,370 Christ, not again. 955 01:09:29,043 --> 01:09:30,621 Fight! 956 01:09:30,711 --> 01:09:32,538 What? 957 01:09:32,630 --> 01:09:35,749 - Where? Where? - Well, quick! It's a real fight! 958 01:09:39,386 --> 01:09:42,137 All right. I give up. I give up. 959 01:09:42,221 --> 01:09:43,846 Give me a moment, all right? 960 01:09:43,931 --> 01:09:47,097 Just let me get a moment's break here, okay? 961 01:09:49,019 --> 01:09:50,892 Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! 962 01:10:00,445 --> 01:10:02,521 I'll shin you! 963 01:10:16,751 --> 01:10:19,123 - Whose side are we on? - Mark's, obviously. 964 01:10:19,211 --> 01:10:21,250 He's never dumped Bridget for some naked American. 965 01:10:21,338 --> 01:10:23,330 And he said he liked her just the way she is. 966 01:10:23,423 --> 01:10:26,128 But he also nicked Daniel's fiancée and left him broken-hearted. 967 01:10:26,217 --> 01:10:28,625 Good point. It's a very hard one to call. 968 01:10:41,689 --> 01:10:43,765 I'm so sorry. 969 01:10:45,567 --> 01:10:48,105 - What are you doing? - Oh, God, I'm sorry. 970 01:10:48,194 --> 01:10:50,400 I really am sorry. I will pay. 971 01:10:50,488 --> 01:10:54,485 - Enough, Darcy? - Not quite, if that's all right by you. 972 01:10:56,243 --> 01:11:00,703 - You broke my bloody jaw! - Happy birthday to you 973 01:11:04,458 --> 01:11:09,001 Happy birthday, dear what's-his-name 974 01:11:27,311 --> 01:11:29,102 Jesus. 975 01:11:35,401 --> 01:11:38,770 - All right. All right. - Enough. 976 01:11:38,863 --> 01:11:40,440 Enough. 977 01:11:41,740 --> 01:11:43,614 Wanker. 978 01:11:56,961 --> 01:11:58,753 What is your problem? 979 01:11:58,838 --> 01:12:00,629 - My problem? - Yes! 980 01:12:00,715 --> 01:12:04,379 You give the impression of being all moral and noble... 981 01:12:04,468 --> 01:12:07,587 and normal and helpful in the kitchen... 982 01:12:07,679 --> 01:12:10,300 but you're just as bad as the rest of them. 983 01:12:10,390 --> 01:12:15,015 Well, I can see that I've been labouring under a misapprehension. 984 01:12:15,102 --> 01:12:19,680 Very, very foolish mistake. Forgive me. 985 01:12:39,915 --> 01:12:42,536 Let's go back upstairs. 986 01:12:42,625 --> 01:12:44,417 Come on. 987 01:12:47,171 --> 01:12:49,329 We belong together, Jones. 988 01:12:50,591 --> 01:12:53,377 Me, you... 989 01:12:53,468 --> 01:12:55,591 poor little skirt. 990 01:12:57,763 --> 01:12:59,803 Right. 991 01:12:59,890 --> 01:13:03,638 If I can't make it with you... 992 01:13:03,727 --> 01:13:06,562 I can't make it with anyone. 993 01:13:16,112 --> 01:13:18,947 That's not a good enough offer for me. 994 01:13:20,449 --> 01:13:24,114 I'm not willing to gamble my whole life on someone who's... 995 01:13:24,203 --> 01:13:26,872 not quite sure. 996 01:13:28,707 --> 01:13:30,414 It's like you said: 997 01:13:30,500 --> 01:13:32,872 I'm still looking for something... 998 01:13:34,003 --> 01:13:36,291 more extraordinary than that. 999 01:13:55,396 --> 01:13:57,353 Ding-dong merriIy on high 1000 01:13:57,439 --> 01:13:59,432 December 25th. 1001 01:14:02,527 --> 01:14:04,401 pIus 42 mince pies. 1002 01:14:07,198 --> 01:14:08,775 Oh, thousands. 1003 01:14:08,866 --> 01:14:10,574 Bugger off! 1004 01:14:10,659 --> 01:14:12,568 Come on then, kids. 1005 01:14:14,204 --> 01:14:17,038 This Baroque carriage cIock is... 1006 01:14:17,123 --> 01:14:19,578 a particuIar festive favourite of mine... 1007 01:14:19,667 --> 01:14:24,162 incorporating the ''HaIIeIujah Chorus'' from HandeI's Messiah... 1008 01:14:24,254 --> 01:14:26,875 every hour, on the hour. 1009 01:14:26,965 --> 01:14:29,799 I can't understand it. The man's actually turned red now. 1010 01:14:29,884 --> 01:14:31,508 Merry Christmas, PameIa. 1011 01:14:37,682 --> 01:14:40,967 Well, I'm going to Bedfordshire. 1012 01:14:48,400 --> 01:14:50,191 - Night-night. - Night-night. 1013 01:15:04,705 --> 01:15:06,614 The thing is... 1014 01:15:07,749 --> 01:15:10,620 close up, he was almost purple. 1015 01:15:12,253 --> 01:15:15,503 You were such a lovely normal colour. 1016 01:15:15,590 --> 01:15:17,665 He had a filthy temper. 1017 01:15:19,760 --> 01:15:23,923 And, well, the jewellery is fabulous and really very reasonably priced. 1018 01:15:26,057 --> 01:15:28,512 I thought I might ask if... 1019 01:15:30,352 --> 01:15:32,344 we could have another go. 1020 01:15:34,564 --> 01:15:38,727 Obviously with some effort on your part to pay a bit more attention to me. 1021 01:15:38,818 --> 01:15:41,735 I do realize what I'm like sometimes. 1022 01:15:41,820 --> 01:15:44,904 It doesn't help that you and Bridget have your lovely grown-up club of two... 1023 01:15:44,990 --> 01:15:48,738 and always say, ''What's silly old Mummy gone and done this time?'' 1024 01:15:48,826 --> 01:15:51,910 You used to be mad about me. 1025 01:15:51,996 --> 01:15:54,035 You couldn't get enough of me. 1026 01:15:57,792 --> 01:15:59,583 What do you think? 1027 01:16:03,088 --> 01:16:05,211 I don't know, Pam. 1028 01:16:07,008 --> 01:16:08,917 I just don't know now. 1029 01:16:12,096 --> 01:16:13,887 It's been very hard. 1030 01:16:20,728 --> 01:16:23,302 I'm joking, you daft cow. 1031 01:16:27,693 --> 01:16:30,397 Pam, I just don't work without you. 1032 01:16:34,532 --> 01:16:36,192 Awful! 1033 01:16:39,786 --> 01:16:42,621 Lovely, lovely, lovely. 1034 01:16:42,706 --> 01:16:46,370 - Get back up those stairs. Get dressed. - What for? 1035 01:16:46,459 --> 01:16:49,032 The Darcys' ruby wedding party. 1036 01:16:49,128 --> 01:16:51,120 ''What for,'' indeed! 1037 01:16:51,213 --> 01:16:53,750 Mark will be there. Still divorced. 1038 01:16:53,840 --> 01:16:57,374 He's also still deranged. I'm not going. 1039 01:16:57,468 --> 01:17:00,255 Poor Mark. This is always a bad time of year for him. 1040 01:17:00,346 --> 01:17:03,679 His Japanese wife left him on Christmas Day. Cruel race. 1041 01:17:03,765 --> 01:17:07,050 Yes, but I'm not quite sure he didn't deserve it, actually. 1042 01:17:07,143 --> 01:17:09,894 She ran off with his best friend from Cambridge. 1043 01:17:09,979 --> 01:17:12,932 Total scoundrel, apparently. Best man at his wedding. 1044 01:17:13,023 --> 01:17:15,099 Then Christmas Eve, Mark comes home early from work... 1045 01:17:15,192 --> 01:17:18,228 finds the pair of them in a most unorthodox position... 1046 01:17:18,319 --> 01:17:20,644 stark naked, at it Iike rabbits. 1047 01:17:25,576 --> 01:17:28,031 Just give me five minutes. 1048 01:17:34,708 --> 01:17:38,159 Stop! Stop the car! 1049 01:17:38,253 --> 01:17:40,376 Dad, get out. Too slow! 1050 01:17:46,885 --> 01:17:49,839 - Dad, get in! Hurry! - What's the hurry? 1051 01:17:51,973 --> 01:17:54,215 Not too fast. 1052 01:18:03,775 --> 01:18:05,732 Bit snowy, isn't it? 1053 01:18:25,543 --> 01:18:27,619 Sorry. One moment. 1054 01:18:29,547 --> 01:18:31,835 Thank you for inviting me. 1055 01:18:31,924 --> 01:18:34,759 I didn't. It must have been my parents. 1056 01:18:38,471 --> 01:18:40,464 So. 1057 01:18:44,018 --> 01:18:46,687 Hello, Bridget. Didn't know you were coming. 1058 01:18:46,770 --> 01:18:50,684 Mark, your father wants to begin ASAP. 1059 01:18:50,773 --> 01:18:52,896 Does he? Right. 1060 01:18:52,984 --> 01:18:55,688 Come on, Mark. Be helpful, please. 1061 01:18:55,778 --> 01:18:59,276 The caterers have totally screwed up. Does nothing work outside of London? 1062 01:18:59,364 --> 01:19:00,988 Apparently not. 1063 01:19:04,952 --> 01:19:06,530 Listen. 1064 01:19:07,955 --> 01:19:12,166 I owe you an apology about Daniel. 1065 01:19:13,918 --> 01:19:16,325 He said that you ran off with his fiancée... 1066 01:19:16,420 --> 01:19:18,828 and left him broken-hearted, he said. 1067 01:19:20,299 --> 01:19:22,540 No, it was the other way around. 1068 01:19:22,634 --> 01:19:26,216 It was my wife. 1069 01:19:27,179 --> 01:19:29,255 My heart. 1070 01:19:30,307 --> 01:19:32,299 Sorry. 1071 01:19:32,392 --> 01:19:36,057 That's why you always acted so strangely around him... 1072 01:19:36,145 --> 01:19:39,312 and beat him to a pulp, quite rightly. 1073 01:19:40,733 --> 01:19:42,143 Well done. 1074 01:19:44,236 --> 01:19:46,608 Can we just... 1075 01:19:46,696 --> 01:19:51,322 pop out there for a moment? 1076 01:20:00,333 --> 01:20:04,116 I just have something that I want to say. 1077 01:20:04,211 --> 01:20:08,125 You once said that you liked me just as I am... 1078 01:20:08,215 --> 01:20:13,125 and I just wanted to say likewise. 1079 01:20:13,219 --> 01:20:16,967 I mean, there are stupid things your mum buys you. 1080 01:20:17,055 --> 01:20:18,929 Tonight's another classic. 1081 01:20:19,015 --> 01:20:23,262 You're haughty and you always say the wrong thing in every situation. 1082 01:20:23,352 --> 01:20:28,642 And I seriously believe that you should rethink the length of your sideburns. 1083 01:20:30,484 --> 01:20:32,772 But you're a nice man... 1084 01:20:32,861 --> 01:20:34,438 and... 1085 01:20:36,197 --> 01:20:37,988 I like you. 1086 01:20:40,701 --> 01:20:44,401 If you wanted to pop by sometime, that might be nice. 1087 01:20:47,957 --> 01:20:50,033 More than nice. 1088 01:20:52,336 --> 01:20:53,995 Right. 1089 01:20:55,338 --> 01:20:57,129 Crikey. 1090 01:20:59,467 --> 01:21:02,253 Ladies and gentlemen... 1091 01:21:02,344 --> 01:21:04,633 could I have your attention for a moment, please? 1092 01:21:04,721 --> 01:21:06,512 Excuse me. 1093 01:21:09,725 --> 01:21:11,433 Of course. 1094 01:21:11,519 --> 01:21:14,009 ...wife and companion Geraldine. 1095 01:21:14,104 --> 01:21:19,062 A toast to her, my wonderful wife Geraldine. 1096 01:21:19,150 --> 01:21:21,522 To Geraldine. 1097 01:21:21,611 --> 01:21:24,647 And we, in turn, have been blessed with our son Mark. 1098 01:21:25,739 --> 01:21:27,447 He's always made us proud... 1099 01:21:27,532 --> 01:21:31,031 and we couldn't be prouder of him than on this particular day... 1100 01:21:31,119 --> 01:21:33,241 because I'm thrilled to announce... 1101 01:21:33,329 --> 01:21:35,820 he has just been invited to be a senior partner... 1102 01:21:35,914 --> 01:21:38,452 in the firm of Abbott & Abbott in New York. 1103 01:21:42,879 --> 01:21:44,586 He also, incidentally... 1104 01:21:44,672 --> 01:21:48,254 takes with him his brilliant partner in law, Natasha. 1105 01:21:48,342 --> 01:21:52,505 And I don't think they'll mind, since we're amongst friends... 1106 01:21:52,595 --> 01:21:56,011 if I say that, someday, this remarkably clever girl... 1107 01:21:56,098 --> 01:22:00,558 is going to be something else in-law as well! 1108 01:22:06,357 --> 01:22:08,065 I begged him not to say anything. 1109 01:22:08,150 --> 01:22:12,278 So I ask you now to charge your glasses once again to... 1110 01:22:12,362 --> 01:22:14,319 Mark and his Natasha. 1111 01:22:14,406 --> 01:22:17,739 - To Mark and his Natasha! - No! 1112 01:22:23,372 --> 01:22:26,076 It's just that... 1113 01:22:26,166 --> 01:22:29,202 it's such a terrible pity... 1114 01:22:32,546 --> 01:22:34,337 for England... 1115 01:22:34,423 --> 01:22:38,752 to lose such a great legal brain... 1116 01:22:38,843 --> 01:22:40,836 - Is she pissed? - What? 1117 01:22:41,804 --> 01:22:43,880 for the people of England... 1118 01:22:45,516 --> 01:22:47,093 like me and you... 1119 01:22:47,184 --> 01:22:51,097 to lose one of our top people. 1120 01:22:53,773 --> 01:22:56,892 A top person, really. 1121 01:23:02,697 --> 01:23:05,484 Well, I better dash. 1122 01:23:05,574 --> 01:23:08,860 I've got another party to get to. 1123 01:23:08,952 --> 01:23:11,573 Loads of single people. 1124 01:23:11,663 --> 01:23:14,414 Mainly poofs. 1125 01:23:17,710 --> 01:23:19,619 Bye. 1126 01:23:35,100 --> 01:23:40,805 Knew the signs, wasn't right 1127 01:23:40,896 --> 01:23:42,604 I was stupid 1128 01:23:42,689 --> 01:23:45,227 For a whiIe 1129 01:23:45,317 --> 01:23:47,854 Swept away 1130 01:23:47,944 --> 01:23:50,565 By you 1131 01:23:50,655 --> 01:23:53,324 And now I feeI 1132 01:23:53,407 --> 01:23:56,076 Like a fooI 1133 01:23:57,661 --> 01:24:01,111 So confused 1134 01:24:01,205 --> 01:24:02,830 My heart's bruised 1135 01:24:02,915 --> 01:24:06,580 Was I ever Ioved by you 1136 01:24:06,668 --> 01:24:09,076 Out of reach 1137 01:24:09,170 --> 01:24:11,839 So far 1138 01:24:11,923 --> 01:24:17,047 I never had your heart 1139 01:24:17,136 --> 01:24:19,626 Out of reach 1140 01:24:19,721 --> 01:24:22,259 CouIdn't see 1141 01:24:22,348 --> 01:24:26,595 We were never meant to be 1142 01:24:27,811 --> 01:24:31,394 Catch myseIf from despair 1143 01:24:32,899 --> 01:24:37,395 I couId drown if I stay here 1144 01:24:38,320 --> 01:24:40,478 Keeping busy 1145 01:24:40,572 --> 01:24:43,692 Every day 1146 01:24:43,783 --> 01:24:46,618 I know I wiII be okay 1147 01:24:46,703 --> 01:24:48,280 Yes? 1148 01:24:48,371 --> 01:24:50,363 Hi! It's us! 1149 01:24:52,708 --> 01:24:55,079 Great. Come on up. 1150 01:24:56,794 --> 01:24:59,332 Have we got the most fantastic surprise for you. 1151 01:24:59,422 --> 01:25:02,173 - You're not going to sing. - Not that fantastic, sadly, no. 1152 01:25:02,257 --> 01:25:05,840 We've decided to take you to Paris so you can forget about everything... 1153 01:25:05,927 --> 01:25:07,421 particularly forget about Mark Darcy. 1154 01:25:07,512 --> 01:25:09,837 I can't believe you said what you said you said. 1155 01:25:09,931 --> 01:25:13,299 I know! There goes my invite to the Darcys' next year. 1156 01:25:13,392 --> 01:25:16,558 If he didn't leap over and whip you up in his arms, then sod him. 1157 01:25:16,645 --> 01:25:21,140 Yes. He's clearly the most dreadful cold fish. 1158 01:25:21,232 --> 01:25:24,268 Exactly. There's been all these bloody hints and stuff... 1159 01:25:24,360 --> 01:25:27,360 but has he ever actually stuck his tongue down your fucking throat? 1160 01:25:27,446 --> 01:25:29,485 No. Not once. 1161 01:25:29,572 --> 01:25:32,443 - I think we should pack. - Passport, Bridget, and pants. 1162 01:25:32,533 --> 01:25:33,992 Yep. Pants. 1163 01:25:34,076 --> 01:25:37,112 Hurry up, Bridge. We're freezing our bollocks off. 1164 01:25:37,204 --> 01:25:38,995 Yeah.Just the keys. 1165 01:25:40,332 --> 01:25:42,620 I'm stuck! 1166 01:25:45,670 --> 01:25:47,662 Come the fuck on, Bridget. 1167 01:25:49,089 --> 01:25:51,710 Close the door. 1168 01:25:55,011 --> 01:25:57,003 What are you doing here? 1169 01:25:57,096 --> 01:25:59,717 I just wanted to know if you were available... 1170 01:25:59,807 --> 01:26:02,843 for bar mitzvahs and christenings as well as ruby weddings. 1171 01:26:02,934 --> 01:26:04,512 Excellent speech. 1172 01:26:04,602 --> 01:26:06,642 I thought that you were in America. 1173 01:26:06,729 --> 01:26:09,683 Yes, I was, but... 1174 01:26:09,773 --> 01:26:12,727 I realized I'd forgotten something back home. 1175 01:26:12,818 --> 01:26:15,059 Which was? 1176 01:26:16,237 --> 01:26:20,400 I realized I'd forgotten to... 1177 01:26:20,491 --> 01:26:22,697 kiss you goodbye. Do you mind? 1178 01:26:26,413 --> 01:26:28,120 Not really, no. 1179 01:26:31,584 --> 01:26:36,079 So, you're not going to America, then? 1180 01:26:36,171 --> 01:26:38,840 No. Not. 1181 01:26:38,923 --> 01:26:40,963 You're staying here? 1182 01:26:41,050 --> 01:26:43,920 So it would seem. 1183 01:26:48,473 --> 01:26:50,512 Friends of yours? 1184 01:26:52,101 --> 01:26:55,351 No, I've never seen them before in my life. 1185 01:26:55,438 --> 01:26:57,513 Are you coming to Paris or not? 1186 01:26:58,815 --> 01:27:00,191 Not. 1187 01:27:00,275 --> 01:27:02,351 No fucking room anyway. 1188 01:27:02,443 --> 01:27:05,361 Maybe we should just go upstairs for a minute. 1189 01:27:05,446 --> 01:27:09,360 - Very good idea. - No room for him either. 1190 01:27:18,874 --> 01:27:21,281 Give me just a minute. 1191 01:27:21,376 --> 01:27:23,369 Keep yourself busy. Read something. 1192 01:27:23,461 --> 01:27:26,213 Lots of very high-quality magazines... 1193 01:27:26,297 --> 01:27:30,840 with helpful fashion and romance tips. 1194 01:27:30,926 --> 01:27:33,049 I'll be right with you. 1195 01:27:39,976 --> 01:27:42,893 Definitely an occasion for... 1196 01:27:42,978 --> 01:27:45,101 genuinely tiny knickers. 1197 01:28:15,297 --> 01:28:17,089 Right. 1198 01:28:48,868 --> 01:28:50,907 Oh, shit! 1199 01:28:57,250 --> 01:28:59,123 Double shit. 1200 01:29:08,510 --> 01:29:10,169 Bollocks! 1201 01:29:10,261 --> 01:29:12,052 Oh, God. 1202 01:29:18,518 --> 01:29:22,218 - Wish me luck! - Good luck, crazy girl! 1203 01:30:04,349 --> 01:30:06,341 I'm so sorry. 1204 01:30:08,269 --> 01:30:11,602 I didn't mean it. I mean, I meant it. 1205 01:30:11,689 --> 01:30:16,813 But I was so stupid that I didn't mean what I meant. 1206 01:30:20,112 --> 01:30:22,864 Oh, for Christ's sakes. 1207 01:30:25,200 --> 01:30:28,201 It's only a diary. 1208 01:30:28,286 --> 01:30:31,785 Everyone knows diaries are just full of crap. 1209 01:30:35,209 --> 01:30:37,000 I know that. 1210 01:30:37,085 --> 01:30:40,917 I was just buying you a new one. Time to make a new start, perhaps. 1211 01:31:27,128 --> 01:31:29,583 Wait a minute. 1212 01:31:29,672 --> 01:31:32,163 Nice boys don't kiss like that. 1213 01:31:32,257 --> 01:31:34,962 Oh, yes, they fuckin' do. 1214 01:32:36,229 --> 01:32:39,597 I'm delighted. They're both really good friends of mine. 1215 01:32:39,690 --> 01:32:43,105 And I think it's great that they've found each other at last. 1216 01:32:43,193 --> 01:32:46,858 Brilliant, brilliant. This is Pauline, by the way. 1217 01:32:46,946 --> 01:32:48,654 Paula. 1218 01:32:50,783 --> 01:32:52,407 Sorry. 1219 01:33:02,251 --> 01:33:04,327 How marvellous! Marvellous! 1220 01:33:04,419 --> 01:33:06,626 Nice, healthy, well-built girl. 1221 01:33:06,713 --> 01:33:09,667 Can't be doing with a girl who's just skin and bone. 1222 01:33:09,757 --> 01:33:13,340 I like a woman with a backside you can park your bike in and rest a pint on. 1223 01:33:13,427 --> 01:33:14,802 Malcolm. 1224 01:33:22,977 --> 01:33:25,183 Well, obviously, I'm disappointed. 1225 01:33:25,271 --> 01:33:27,678 Bitterly disappointed. 1226 01:33:27,773 --> 01:33:29,765 But just 'cause someone's got a boyfriend... 1227 01:33:29,858 --> 01:33:32,064 doesn't necessarily mean they won't... 1228 01:33:33,528 --> 01:33:35,105 you know-- 1229 01:33:46,205 --> 01:33:48,660 No, there's absolutely no bitterness... 1230 01:33:48,749 --> 01:33:50,540 no hard feelings. 1231 01:33:50,626 --> 01:33:53,994 I just think it's great that in the same month that Bridge found Darce... 1232 01:33:54,087 --> 01:33:55,996 I found Melani. 1233 01:33:56,089 --> 01:33:57,880 It's Alan.