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<b><font face="Rockwell" color="#FFFF00">Subtitle By: explosiveskull & Re-Sync By: bozxphd</font></b>
<b><font face="Rockwell" color="#00FFFF">& Improved By: Fidel33
Sub Upload Date: July 16, 2018</font></b>

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<i>♪ I'll have a blue Christmas ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Without you ♪</i>

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<i>♪ I'll be so blue ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Thinkin' about you ♪</i>

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<i>♪ You'll be doin' alright ♪</i>

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<i>♪ With your Christmas
of white ♪</i>

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<i>♪ But I'll have a blue ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Blue Christmas ♪♪</i>

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<i>I'm Amy Mitchell.</i>

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<i>And this year</i>

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<i>I ruined Christmas.</i>

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<i>Christmas is by far</i>

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<i>the most stressful
time of the year for moms.</i>

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<i>There are a million
things to do.</i>

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<i>And you have to do them
all perfectly</i>

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<i>or else you will
never forgive yourself.</i>

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<i>And more importantly,
neither will your kids.</i>

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<i>I literally feel like</i>

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<i>the worst mom
in the world right now.</i>

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<i>Maybe I should start
at the beginning.</i>

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<i>I've always loved Christmas.</i>

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<i>It's my favorite
time of the year.</i>

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<i>Most of all, I love
the time with my family.</i>

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<i>Because all I want</i>

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<i>all any mom wants</i>

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<i>is for their kids to have
an amazing Christmas.</i>

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<i>♪ Can't love me like you ♪</i>

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<i>♪ L-O-V-E ♪♪</i>

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<i>That said, Christmas is
an insane amount of work.</i>

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<i>First, you have to buy gifts</i>

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<i>for every human being
you've ever met.</i>

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<i>I gave my coffee guy
a scented candle this year.</i>

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<i>Why did I do that?</i>

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<i>Then, you have to decorate
your house</i>

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<i>which, clearly, I suck at.</i>

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I'm doing the best I can,
Charmaine!

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<i>Then, you have to go to
all your kids' Christmas shows</i>

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<i>which are...</i>

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<i>Yeah.</i>

41
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<i>Then, there's all the
over-the-top Christmas parties.</i>

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<i>Oh, my God.</i>

43
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<i>Are these lobster Santa hats?</i>

44
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<i>Are these a thing now?</i>

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<i>What the fuck?</i>

46
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<i>Then, there's all the cooking</i>

47
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<i>all the cleaning</i>

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<i>all the wrapping.</i>

49
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<i>It's insane!</i>

50
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<i>There's just never enough time.</i>

51
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Argh!

52
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- Hi, mom.
- Hey.

53
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- Hey!
- How was the game?

54
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It was great! The Bulls won.

55
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- Yes! Congratulations.
- Yes!

56
00:03:33,110 --> 00:03:34,440
- Hi, honey.
- I love you, baby.

57
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Wow. Your house
looks really great.

58
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Oh, thank you.

59
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I still-I still got
lots left to do, but...

60
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Can I do anything to help?

61
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,050
No, no, not unless
you know how

62
00:03:43,050 --> 00:03:44,810
to magically fix
Christmas lights.

63
00:03:44,820 --> 00:03:46,280
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

64
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Yeah, you just
swap out the fuse.

65
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It's pretty easy.

66
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That's pretty hot. I won't lie.

67
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Oh, you're definitely getting
the gold-star treatment tonight.

68
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I like that,
but hold that thought.

69
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Okay.

70
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,970
Oh. Your dad is awesome.

71
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I thought you hated him.

72
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What? No, honey, what?
Why would you say that?

73
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When you came over
to the house last week

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I heard you and daddy
in the bedroom

75
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and you kept
screaming at him.

76
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Oh, yeah.

77
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No, honey, those were...

78
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Those were happy screams.

79
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They didn't sound happy.

80
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And then you punched the wall

81
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and yelled the F-word.

82
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Okay, I-I, um...

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Yeah, I don't,
I don't really recall

84
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,260
doing that, so, yeah.

85
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- I don't know if that happened.
- You did.

86
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You were like,
"Oh, my fucking God!"

87
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Just like that.

88
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"Oh, my fucking God!"

89
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Okay, alright. Shh! Shh!

90
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Um, here's the thing.

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00:04:43,780 --> 00:04:45,540
Your dad and I
were just playing a fun

92
00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:46,780
little grown-up game.

93
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You played the game seven times.

94
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Six and a half.
But who's counting?

95
00:04:50,750 --> 00:04:52,720
Here's the thing,
let's just not...

96
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Let's just not talk about this.

97
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- Cool?
- Cool.

98
00:04:55,220 --> 00:04:57,060
- High-five. Awesome.
- Got it.

99
00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:03,560
Oh, no.

100
00:05:04,530 --> 00:05:05,900
What is it?

101
00:05:07,370 --> 00:05:09,430
My mother's
coming for Christmas.

102
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Oh, my fucking God!

103
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,780
Thanks for helping me decorate
the tree, guys.

104
00:05:21,050 --> 00:05:24,110
Bernard, let's hang 'em
on the tree. Okay, buddy?

105
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Oh, who put the big
brown ornament

106
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:27,420
right on the front
of the tree?

107
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- It looks like doodie.
- Yes, it does, baby.

108
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And that's why mommy's
gonna move it around back.

109
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Oh, no, sweetie

110
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we don't drink
the tree water.

111
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We don't drink the tree water

112
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'cause we're people, right?

113
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Mommy, is there a Santa Claus?

114
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<i>You bet there is, buddy.</i>

115
00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:43,500
- I know.
- Are you lying to me, mommy?

116
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Oh, God, make it stop.

117
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What else have you lied about?

118
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- Hey, babe.
- Hey, dad.

119
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- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

120
00:05:51,580 --> 00:05:52,950
- You alright?
- Yeah.

121
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- Tree looks great.
- Thank you.

122
00:05:55,750 --> 00:05:57,350
- Want me to feed the twins?
- Yes, please.

123
00:05:57,350 --> 00:05:59,420
- Hey, buddy. Good to see you.
- Thank you.

124
00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:00,450
- Let's get some food.
- It's okay, buddy.

125
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Aw, it's alright.

126
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:11,090
Hah! Merry Christmas, Kiki!

127
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:15,330
- Mom? Hi!
- Oh... my... gosh!

128
00:06:15,330 --> 00:06:17,300
I thought you weren't
coming until Friday.

129
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:19,670
Well, I just hopped
on an earlier flight.

130
00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:23,110
- Three days earlier?
- Oh.

131
00:06:23,110 --> 00:06:25,310
I-I haven't made up
the guest bedroom or anything.

132
00:06:25,310 --> 00:06:27,640
That's okay.
I'll just sleep with you.

133
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Big spoon, little spoon.

134
00:06:29,450 --> 00:06:31,350
I usually sleep
with my husband now.

135
00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,390
Hey, you wanna see
the sweatshirt I made?

136
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I love this picture.

137
00:06:37,690 --> 00:06:40,520
And look, you were just getting
your little tiny breasts.

138
00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:42,390
- Well, one of 'em, anyway.
- You just got here.

139
00:06:42,390 --> 00:06:43,730
Let's not talk about my breasts.

140
00:06:43,730 --> 00:06:45,330
- Then the other one popped out.
- Yeah.

141
00:06:45,330 --> 00:06:47,360
Thank goodness!

142
00:06:47,370 --> 00:06:49,530
Oh, Keeks!

143
00:06:49,530 --> 00:06:51,670
If you play your cards right,
you could get

144
00:06:51,670 --> 00:06:53,340
a sweatshirt just like this
for Christmas.

145
00:06:53,340 --> 00:06:55,310
Oh, no.

146
00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:59,010
Oh, Kiki Dee,
I cannot wait

147
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to spend every waking minute

148
00:07:02,150 --> 00:07:04,010
of the next three weeks
with you.

149
00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:05,320
Hmm...

150
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,080
Oh!

151
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:10,220
Hmm...

152
00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:11,350
Are you smelling my hair?

153
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:12,990
Yes.

154
00:07:20,870 --> 00:07:22,600
Oh, my God.

155
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,430
If I have to wax
one more pussy today

156
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,170
I'm gonna black out.

157
00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:27,940
Since when did
every woman in America

158
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:31,570
need a completely hairless
vagina on Christmas?

159
00:07:33,580 --> 00:07:35,510
Anyone else here for a wax?

160
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:41,020
Oh, my God,
that's like 50 more vaginas.

161
00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:42,420
Okay, who's next?

162
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,360
Oh, no, not you, sasquatch.

163
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,690
I can't handle you right now.

164
00:07:48,690 --> 00:07:50,600
<i>Hmm, let's see.</i>

165
00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:55,400
Oh. You. Betty White.

166
00:07:56,570 --> 00:07:58,630
I'm intrigued.

167
00:07:58,640 --> 00:07:59,810
Come with me.

168
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,150
Hey, what's up, lady?

169
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,790
- Mom?
- Ha-ha!

170
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,920
Wait, what the actual fuck?

171
00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:24,830
Oh, my God!

172
00:08:24,830 --> 00:08:28,500
Ah! My God! My God!

173
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:29,900
Oh, my God!

174
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:32,470
Wait, I... Well,
you didn't tell me

175
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,240
you were coming for Christmas.

176
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,240
It's Christmas?

177
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,910
Uh, yeah.
Isn't that why you're here?

178
00:08:37,910 --> 00:08:39,780
Totally! Totally why I'm here.

179
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:42,250
Merry Christmas, lady.
Merry Christmas.

180
00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:44,280
Jesus, look at you!

181
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,820
You bitch,
you don't age at all.

182
00:08:45,820 --> 00:08:47,250
Look how fucking hot you look!

183
00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:48,650
Look at those boobs.

184
00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:51,420
Oh, thanks. You're lookin'
a little bit older.

185
00:08:51,420 --> 00:08:53,360
But good, you look good.

186
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,090
What's it been,
like three years?

187
00:08:55,090 --> 00:08:56,490
Three?

188
00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:58,160
Whoa, really?

189
00:08:58,160 --> 00:08:59,430
Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe.

190
00:08:59,430 --> 00:09:00,760
I don't really know
what year it is.

191
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,670
Why are you wearing
black pajamas?

192
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:08,000
Oh, uh... No, yeah, I, uh...

193
00:09:08,010 --> 00:09:10,010
I work at a spa.

194
00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:12,180
You have a fucking job?

195
00:09:12,180 --> 00:09:13,780
Yeah. Yeah.

196
00:09:15,610 --> 00:09:17,550
I'm tryin' to be more
responsible and shit.

197
00:09:17,550 --> 00:09:21,550
Oh, you always were so weird.

198
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:25,790
So why are you really here, mom?

199
00:09:25,790 --> 00:09:27,790
What do you mean?

200
00:09:27,790 --> 00:09:30,330
Well, you only come
when you need money.

201
00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:32,190
Uh, oh... No, no, no.

202
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,060
I don't gamble anymore.

203
00:09:34,070 --> 00:09:35,500
No, I'm just here to see

204
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:37,000
my daughter on Easter.

205
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,640
- Christmas.
- Christmas.

206
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,470
So I think we should celebrate.

207
00:09:41,470 --> 00:09:44,140
I know, Thunder Down Under

208
00:09:44,140 --> 00:09:46,180
is playing by the airport.

209
00:09:46,180 --> 00:09:48,150
I think we should hit that hard.

210
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,650
- Male strippers?
- Yeah.

211
00:09:51,650 --> 00:09:53,650
- With my mother?
- Mm-hm-hm.

212
00:09:53,650 --> 00:09:55,080
On Christmas?

213
00:09:55,090 --> 00:09:56,220
Yeah.

214
00:09:57,190 --> 00:09:59,190
How could I say no?

215
00:09:59,190 --> 00:10:01,360
Let's go slap
some wieners, bitch!

216
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,660
- Alright! That's my girl.
- Whoo!

217
00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:05,230
Oh, my God, Jaxon is gonna

218
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,160
shit himself when he sees you.

219
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,670
Still got that kid, huh?

220
00:10:08,670 --> 00:10:09,870
Yup, yup.

221
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,500
How old is he now?

222
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:13,500
Oh, 15 or 17.

223
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:15,710
- Oh, cute, cute.
- Yeah.

224
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:21,610
So your mom and dad have never

225
00:10:21,610 --> 00:10:22,710
been here
on Christmas before?

226
00:10:22,710 --> 00:10:24,850
Um, no, no.

227
00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,750
<i>Okay, wait, do you, do you
think that I made enough food?</i>

228
00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:28,250
Uh, seriously?

229
00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:29,620
I can make quiche.
I'm gonna go make quiche.

230
00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:31,590
Babe, everything's
gonna be fine.

231
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:33,890
No, honey,
it's not gonna be fine.

232
00:10:33,890 --> 00:10:37,890
My mom is the most critical
human being on the planet.

233
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,230
When I was six years old

234
00:10:39,230 --> 00:10:41,030
I made her a birthday card.

235
00:10:41,030 --> 00:10:42,600
And she returned it with notes.

236
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,800
Okay, that's fucked up.

237
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,470
The point is she's perfect

238
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:48,140
at everything and she is
impossible to please.

239
00:10:48,140 --> 00:10:49,570
But if she's
impossible to please

240
00:10:49,570 --> 00:10:50,640
why're you tryin' so hard
to please her?

241
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,070
Listen, I'll tell you the truth.

242
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,240
Daughters spend
their whole lives trying

243
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,580
to please their mothers,
and mothers

244
00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:55,710
spend their whole lives

245
00:10:55,710 --> 00:10:57,250
shitting all over
their daughters.

246
00:10:57,250 --> 00:10:59,380
It's just how the world works.
Okay? I can't fix that.

247
00:10:59,380 --> 00:11:01,650
I'm not,
I'm not fucking Beyoncé.

248
00:11:01,650 --> 00:11:03,890
Well, y-y-you are to me.

249
00:11:03,890 --> 00:11:05,050
- Ugh.
- I love you.

250
00:11:05,060 --> 00:11:06,120
I love you.

251
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,660
- Mmm.
- Okay.

252
00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:09,990
You think your mom's
gonna like me?

253
00:11:09,990 --> 00:11:11,090
No.

254
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,730
I'm sorry we're late.

255
00:11:13,730 --> 00:11:15,460
Hank drives like a girl.

256
00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:16,570
Merry Christmas,
grandma and grandpa!

257
00:11:16,570 --> 00:11:17,900
Merry Christmas, grandpa!

258
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:18,940
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

259
00:11:18,940 --> 00:11:20,100
Merry Christmas, dad.

260
00:11:20,110 --> 00:11:21,900
Here, have some X-Boxes.

261
00:11:21,910 --> 00:11:23,570
- Are you serious?
- Thank you so much.

262
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:25,010
Mum would never let us
have these.

263
00:11:25,010 --> 00:11:26,840
<i>Thank you.</i>

264
00:11:26,850 --> 00:11:29,280
Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie.

265
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:30,750
It's so nice to meet you.

266
00:11:30,750 --> 00:11:34,020
Please take the bags
upstairs. <i>Gracias.</i>

267
00:11:35,490 --> 00:11:37,120
Okay. Hi, mom.

268
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,660
- Amy.
- Hi.

269
00:11:38,660 --> 00:11:40,120
- You look pale.
- Oh.

270
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,660
I'm just trying out
a new skin thing.

271
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,090
Oh, good, it's just bad makeup.

272
00:11:43,090 --> 00:11:44,160
You're not dying.

273
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,460
Where's your tree?

274
00:11:45,460 --> 00:11:47,330
I-I haven't had time
to get one yet.

275
00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:49,100
Amy, it's December 19th.

276
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,500
Even the Jews have
Christmas trees by now.

277
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:52,830
Never mind,
we'll get one tomorrow.

278
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,970
- Okay.
- Huh.

279
00:11:54,970 --> 00:11:57,310
Yeah. Do you have any food?

280
00:11:57,310 --> 00:11:58,940
I haven't eaten
in three days.

281
00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:01,540
Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. I actual...
I have all your favorites.

282
00:12:01,550 --> 00:12:03,650
It's adorable.

283
00:12:03,650 --> 00:12:05,180
You let your kids cook.

284
00:12:07,350 --> 00:12:09,050
Okay.

285
00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:12,820
Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid
made Christmas decorations.

286
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,690
So I have the whole week
planned out.

287
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,560
On Thursday,
we'll see "The Nutcracker."

288
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,800
And then, of course, on Friday,
we'll all go caroling.

289
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,700
Unfortunately,
Mike was our baritone

290
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:22,170
and you're divorcing him.

291
00:12:22,170 --> 00:12:24,030
So we're gonna have to fill
that hole

292
00:12:24,030 --> 00:12:26,140
if we're gonna win
the Caroling Cup this year.

293
00:12:26,140 --> 00:12:27,800
Oh, God, the Caroling Cup?

294
00:12:27,810 --> 00:12:29,470
Darling, when I lived here

295
00:12:29,470 --> 00:12:33,340
we won the Caroling Cup
nine times.

296
00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:34,710
It's too bad
you've given up on

297
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,480
our family's
tradition of winning.

298
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,580
Yeah, I guess I've just
been a little busy, so...

299
00:12:38,580 --> 00:12:42,080
Well, clearly not
at the gym. Whoop.

300
00:12:42,090 --> 00:12:45,150
<i>I want to celebrate my
triumphant return to Chicago.</i>

301
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,720
I wanna throw an enormous
Christmas party at your house.

302
00:12:47,730 --> 00:12:50,690
So I was thinking Christmas Eve,
if that's convenient.

303
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:52,900
What? No.
That's not convenient.

304
00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:54,930
I mean, we can invite
all of my old friends

305
00:12:54,930 --> 00:12:56,670
and we can have a sushi station

306
00:12:56,670 --> 00:12:58,270
and we can hire Kenny G

307
00:12:58,270 --> 00:12:59,740
to play Christmas music.

308
00:12:59,740 --> 00:13:01,700
I hear he's not even
that expensive anymore.

309
00:13:01,710 --> 00:13:03,870
Yeah, okay, that-that sounds
like a lot of work.

310
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:06,540
Yeah. It's too bad,
I've already invited everyone.

311
00:13:06,540 --> 00:13:08,210
- Where, to my house?
- Yes.

312
00:13:08,210 --> 00:13:10,280
A 184 people are coming.

313
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,550
What?

314
00:13:11,550 --> 00:13:12,850
Why haven't I gotten
a Christmas card

315
00:13:12,850 --> 00:13:13,880
from you yet?

316
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,220
I don't know, mom.

317
00:13:15,220 --> 00:13:16,790
I-I-I guess it just fell
through the cracks.

318
00:13:16,790 --> 00:13:18,450
What is happening with you?

319
00:13:18,460 --> 00:13:19,920
Nothing.
Nothing's happening to me.

320
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,290
Amy, this is Christmas.

321
00:13:21,290 --> 00:13:23,260
It's the big show.

322
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,860
- I know.
- You can't dick around.

323
00:13:25,860 --> 00:13:27,760
- I'm not dicking around.
- I feel you're dicking around.

324
00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,360
Mom, I'm honestly
not dicking around.

325
00:13:29,370 --> 00:13:30,770
Yes, you are dicking around.

326
00:13:30,770 --> 00:13:32,030
I can tell
when you're dicking around.

327
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,570
I'm not dicking around.

328
00:13:33,570 --> 00:13:34,900
- Dick, dick around.
- Okay.

329
00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:36,940
Okay.

330
00:13:36,940 --> 00:13:38,140
I'm not dicking around.

331
00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:40,280
Alright, enough
with the bad language.

332
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,310
Okay.

333
00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:44,650
- I like your hair.
- Really?

334
00:13:44,650 --> 00:13:47,450
Yeah, it looks like
you're not trying so hard.

335
00:13:47,450 --> 00:13:49,220
Yeah. Love you.

336
00:13:52,260 --> 00:13:53,330
Oh...

337
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,830
I can't do Christmas
with my mother.

338
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,270
It's like living
with Saddam Hussein.

339
00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:03,670
My mom is only staying
with me

340
00:14:03,670 --> 00:14:05,940
because I think
she wants to steal my TV.

341
00:14:05,940 --> 00:14:07,600
Oh, I have to go
Christmas tree shopping

342
00:14:07,610 --> 00:14:08,970
with my mother tonight.

343
00:14:08,970 --> 00:14:10,170
Yeah, it's like,
it's like going

344
00:14:10,170 --> 00:14:12,140
on a seven-hour death march

345
00:14:12,140 --> 00:14:13,310
around the city.

346
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:14,440
My daughter really wants

347
00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:16,110
a Happy Happy Princess Doll

348
00:14:16,110 --> 00:14:18,250
and I have looked everywhere

349
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:21,920
for it and I don't know
where it is.

350
00:14:23,090 --> 00:14:24,650
Where is she, guys?

351
00:14:24,660 --> 00:14:26,090
Where is Happy Happy Princess?

352
00:14:26,090 --> 00:14:27,590
Oh, my God.

353
00:14:27,590 --> 00:14:29,860
I know it's just a doll,
but God.

354
00:14:29,860 --> 00:14:32,490
Christmas is
killing me this year.

355
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,000
Holy fuck.

356
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,770
<i>♪ Out of all the reindeer ♪</i>

357
00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:40,610
<i>♪ You know
you're the mastermind ♪</i>

358
00:14:42,670 --> 00:14:44,370
<i>♪ Run run Rudolph ♪</i>

359
00:14:44,370 --> 00:14:46,850
<i>♪ Randolph's
not too far behind ♪</i>

360
00:14:49,210 --> 00:14:50,980
<i>♪ Run run Rudolph ♪</i>

361
00:14:50,980 --> 00:14:52,520
<i>♪ Santa's got to make it
to town ♪♪</i>

362
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,880
I can't do this shit sober.

363
00:14:54,890 --> 00:14:56,190
Me neither.

364
00:14:56,190 --> 00:14:57,850
You guys wanna get drunk
at the food court?

365
00:14:57,860 --> 00:14:59,690
- Fuck yeah!
- Yeah.

366
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,060
- Come on.
- Ooh, fun!

367
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,670
You guys, you know
what drives me crazy?

368
00:15:10,670 --> 00:15:12,300
- Genital warts?
- What?

369
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:14,300
- Genital warts.
- No.

370
00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:15,540
Carla, no.

371
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,070
No, w-w-what drives me crazy

372
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,570
is the-is the pressure
that we put on ourselves

373
00:15:18,580 --> 00:15:20,740
to make Christmas perfect, guys.

374
00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:22,480
Look, Christmas
is supposed to be fun.

375
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,850
Yes, why am I responsible

376
00:15:24,850 --> 00:15:26,750
for getting
every gift for everyone

377
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,420
in my entire family?

378
00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:29,750
I mean,
just 'cause I'm a girl?

379
00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:31,420
- Yeah.
- It's 2017!

380
00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:32,490
I thought so.

381
00:15:32,490 --> 00:15:33,520
Why can't my husband

382
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:34,890
buy presents for his own mom?

383
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:36,090
I don't even like his mom.

384
00:15:36,090 --> 00:15:37,830
She blames her farts on my kids.

385
00:15:37,830 --> 00:15:39,030
- What?
- <i>You know what I do?</i>

386
00:15:39,030 --> 00:15:40,700
- With my big dumb son?
- What?

387
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,930
Every November,
I just go into his room

388
00:15:42,930 --> 00:15:44,830
grab a bunch of random crap

389
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,600
wrap it up,
give it to him on Christmas.

390
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,240
- He doesn't even notice.
- Seriously?

391
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,770
Oh, my God, I've given him
the same baseball glove

392
00:15:49,770 --> 00:15:51,540
like nine times.

393
00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:53,880
And how lame are the gifts
that your family gives you?

394
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,280
I spend months picking out
the perfect gift

395
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:59,110
for everyone in my family
and all I ever get

396
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,080
is coupons
for free back rubs.

397
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:03,080
Oh, that's so wrong.

398
00:16:03,090 --> 00:16:04,720
You know what my son gave me
last year for Christmas?

399
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,020
A box of Ziploc baggies.

400
00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:08,590
Think I'll probably
just wrap it up

401
00:16:08,590 --> 00:16:11,590
and give it back to him again
this Christmas.

402
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,530
You guys, I'm just like
a-a-a giant stress ball

403
00:16:14,530 --> 00:16:17,630
from November to New Year's.

404
00:16:17,630 --> 00:16:20,400
I just wanna enjoy
Christmas again.

405
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,310
Yeah.

406
00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:27,210
Well, then let's do it.

407
00:16:27,210 --> 00:16:28,440
What?

408
00:16:28,450 --> 00:16:29,880
Guys, what is wrong with us?

409
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,810
Have we learned nothing?
This is bullshit.

410
00:16:31,820 --> 00:16:34,880
I am disappointed
in this threesome.

411
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:36,750
We are mothers.

412
00:16:36,750 --> 00:16:39,220
And if things are not going
our way, then what do we do?

413
00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:41,060
We hide in the bathroom.

414
00:16:41,060 --> 00:16:42,290
- No.
- No.

415
00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:43,630
No, we don't,
we don't do that.

416
00:16:43,630 --> 00:16:45,660
- Uh-unh.
- We s... No, we stand up.

417
00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:48,230
- <i>And we fight back.</i>
- Fight back. Yes.

418
00:16:48,230 --> 00:16:51,830
So if we wanna do Christmas
our way this year

419
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,600
then we're gonna do
Christmas our way.

420
00:16:54,610 --> 00:16:57,910
No more perfect gifts,
no more perfect decorations

421
00:16:57,910 --> 00:16:59,410
no more perfect anything.

422
00:16:59,410 --> 00:17:01,980
- Fuck it.
- Let's take Christmas back.

423
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,780
Let's put the "ass" back.

424
00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:06,450
- In "Christm-ass."
- What?

425
00:17:06,450 --> 00:17:09,120
That didn't come out exactly as
I planned, but y-you guys get...

426
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:10,920
- Yeah, we know what you meant.
- Yeah, we get you.

427
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,590
Okay, to taking Christmas back.

428
00:17:12,590 --> 00:17:13,620
Yes!

429
00:17:15,430 --> 00:17:17,360
<i>♪ Go go go go ♪</i>

430
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,830
<i>- ♪ Go go ♪
- ♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

431
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,530
Merry Christmas!

432
00:17:22,530 --> 00:17:25,430
<i>♪ I wanna live like
it's Mardi Gras and ♪</i>

433
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,040
<i>♪ Don't need no R and R ♪</i>

434
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,800
- What?
- Yes.

435
00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:29,870
Now, it's gonna be better.

436
00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:31,140
Now, it is gonna be better.

437
00:17:31,140 --> 00:17:32,270
<i>♪ Good vibes only ♪</i>

438
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,180
<i>♪ I just tapped a keg ♪</i>

439
00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:36,040
<i>♪ I'mma fill my cup ♪</i>

440
00:17:36,050 --> 00:17:38,110
<i>♪ Got fireworks got booze ♪</i>

441
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:39,980
<i>♪ Let's blow some shit up ♪</i>

442
00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:41,880
<i>♪ Tonight I'm going stupid ♪</i>

443
00:17:41,890 --> 00:17:44,120
<i>♪ Doing things
I've never done ♪</i>

444
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,220
<i>♪ We all got one thing
in common ♪</i>

445
00:17:46,220 --> 00:17:48,690
<i>♪ We just wanna have fun hey ♪</i>

446
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,330
Okay, who's next?

447
00:17:55,330 --> 00:17:57,500
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

448
00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:59,640
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

449
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,670
<i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

450
00:18:01,670 --> 00:18:02,910
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

451
00:18:02,910 --> 00:18:04,170
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

452
00:18:04,180 --> 00:18:06,080
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

453
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,210
<i>- ♪ Do something wild ♪
- ♪ Whoo ♪</i>

454
00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:10,180
<i>- ♪ Be someone different ♪
- ♪ Hey ♪</i>

455
00:18:10,180 --> 00:18:12,310
<i>- ♪ Switch up that style ♪
- ♪ Hey ♪</i>

456
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:16,590
Hey! Do you know which one
is better for the vagina?

457
00:18:19,090 --> 00:18:21,520
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

458
00:18:21,530 --> 00:18:23,560
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

459
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,030
<i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

460
00:18:26,030 --> 00:18:29,400
- Attention, shoppers!
- Excuse me!

461
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,530
<i>I am drunk and horny!</i>

462
00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:33,540
<i>I repeat,
I am drunk and horny!</i>

463
00:18:37,210 --> 00:18:38,540
<i>♪ Break it down ♪</i>

464
00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:46,550
<i>- ♪ Do something crazy ♪
- ♪ Go ♪</i>

465
00:18:46,550 --> 00:18:50,190
<i>♪ Go go go go go go go ♪</i>

466
00:18:50,190 --> 00:18:54,120
<i>♪ Go go go go go
go go go go ♪</i>

467
00:18:54,130 --> 00:18:56,360
Oh, shit. Wait, you guys.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

468
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:57,890
I still have to go
Christmas tree shopping

469
00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:59,860
with my mom.

470
00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:01,700
I just had a really dumb idea.

471
00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:04,230
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

472
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,100
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

473
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:08,140
<i>♪ Whoo ♪</i>

474
00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:09,640
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

475
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:10,810
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

476
00:19:10,810 --> 00:19:12,580
<i>♪ Do something
crazy ♪</i>

477
00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:14,780
<i>- ♪ Do something wild ♪
- ♪ Whoo ♪</i>

478
00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:16,480
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪</i>

479
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:19,620
<i>♪ Do something crazy ♪♪</i>

480
00:19:22,990 --> 00:19:24,950
Alright, guys. Here.

481
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,790
- Ooh, we got some popcorn.
- I got extra.

482
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:27,890
- Yes.
- You guys ready?

483
00:19:27,890 --> 00:19:30,260
- Look at that.
- Okay.

484
00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:32,430
- This is really nice, mom.
- Yeah.

485
00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:34,100
We should do all Christmas
like this.

486
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,130
Yeah, can we just
hang out together

487
00:19:36,130 --> 00:19:38,430
and skip all the annoying stuff?

488
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,440
Yeah, you guys, I...

489
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,400
I would actually
really like that.

490
00:19:42,410 --> 00:19:45,010
Hey, Jessie, you should come
over on Christmas.

491
00:19:46,110 --> 00:19:48,180
Um, yeah, yeah.

492
00:19:48,180 --> 00:19:49,580
I don't know.
It's kind of a big deal.

493
00:19:49,580 --> 00:19:51,310
I wouldn't want to impose.

494
00:19:51,310 --> 00:19:53,310
Don't be weird, dad.

495
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,520
We'll be here.

496
00:19:56,490 --> 00:19:59,190
- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

497
00:19:59,190 --> 00:20:01,160
Yeah, I would
actually love that.

498
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:02,360
- Me, too.
- Okay.

499
00:20:04,030 --> 00:20:06,160
Good evening, everyo...

500
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:09,330
<i>What in God's name is that?</i>

501
00:20:09,330 --> 00:20:11,430
Oh, that is our
new Christmas tree.

502
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,000
I got it at Lady Foot Locker.

503
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,870
- <i>Do you like it?</i>
- No, I don't, Amy.

504
00:20:14,870 --> 00:20:17,340
- I find it revolting.
- Oh.

505
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,880
What is this thing
doing in your house?

506
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,110
I don't know, I-I didn't wanna

507
00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:22,480
waste time tree shopping
this year.

508
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,210
I actually wanted
to enjoy Christmas.

509
00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:25,980
Amy, you are a mom.

510
00:20:25,980 --> 00:20:28,020
Moms don't enjoy,
they give joy.

511
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:29,520
That's how being a mom works.

512
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,790
And this hideous tree
does not give joy to anybody.

513
00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:35,560
I don't know,
I-I kind of like it.

514
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:36,720
- Thank you.
- Yeah.

515
00:20:36,730 --> 00:20:38,990
Who are you,
and why are you talking?

516
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,560
Mom, please be nice.
This is Jessie. You met him.

517
00:20:41,570 --> 00:20:43,370
<i>I'm tired of this conversation.</i>

518
00:20:43,370 --> 00:20:44,800
But if you think for one second

519
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,840
I'm gonna let
your lazy shenanigans

520
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,740
ruin Christmas
for this entire family

521
00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:51,040
you are very much mistaken.

522
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,510
Goodnight, dear children.

523
00:20:52,510 --> 00:20:54,640
Here, have some
iTunes gift cards.

524
00:20:54,650 --> 00:20:57,180
Mom, seriously? You have to
stop giving them gifts.

525
00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:58,480
<i>Thanks, grandma.</i>

526
00:20:58,480 --> 00:20:59,980
Honey, did you see
these ornaments?

527
00:20:59,980 --> 00:21:01,650
They are all little shoes.

528
00:21:01,650 --> 00:21:02,920
I swear to God, Hank.

529
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,420
I will drive you
to a fire station

530
00:21:04,420 --> 00:21:06,160
and I will leave you there.

531
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,500
- Hi.
- Hi.

532
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,400
How was your night?

533
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,700
- So good.
- Yeah?

534
00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:18,900
Yeah.

535
00:21:24,180 --> 00:21:26,240
Mmm.

536
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,940
You taste like grape soda.

537
00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:29,910
I know. I had a Welch's
right before bed.

538
00:21:37,550 --> 00:21:39,190
- Mmm.
- Hmm.

539
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,690
- Bless you.
- Bless you.

540
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,030
Mom!

541
00:21:47,030 --> 00:21:48,560
Hi, guys.

542
00:21:48,570 --> 00:21:50,200
What are you doing in here?

543
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,200
Well, I just came in here
to watch you fall asleep

544
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,740
like I always do
and then you started

545
00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:56,110
going at it
like monkeys in a zoo.

546
00:21:56,110 --> 00:21:57,740
You watch me fall asleep
every night?

547
00:21:57,740 --> 00:21:59,470
Well, except after
Blue Bloods, I know

548
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,910
that's your
special intercourse night.

549
00:22:01,910 --> 00:22:04,550
Oh, honey,
I'm so glad to see

550
00:22:04,550 --> 00:22:06,480
you have such a vibrant
sex life.

551
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,750
It's so important
for you and Kent

552
00:22:08,750 --> 00:22:10,320
to just bang each other.

553
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,450
And Kent.

554
00:22:13,460 --> 00:22:15,890
I am so happy

555
00:22:15,890 --> 00:22:18,430
that you're able to get
an erection again.

556
00:22:18,430 --> 00:22:20,600
Yay!

557
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,830
And Kiki.

558
00:22:22,830 --> 00:22:24,570
He's so much bigger
than your dad was.

559
00:22:24,570 --> 00:22:26,100
Okay, mom, thanks, you can go

560
00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:28,100
before my husband never
has sex with me again.

561
00:22:28,100 --> 00:22:29,340
Yup.

562
00:22:31,270 --> 00:22:32,770
Oh, and, honey

563
00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:34,310
your dad liked it
when I tickled his balls.

564
00:22:34,310 --> 00:22:36,150
Okay, you need
to stop talking.

565
00:22:36,150 --> 00:22:37,950
I'm gonna come check on you guys
in a little while.

566
00:22:37,950 --> 00:22:39,620
Oh, please don't.

567
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,090
Oh, wow.

568
00:22:47,090 --> 00:22:50,930
- You need to talk to your mom.
- I know.

569
00:22:50,930 --> 00:22:52,990
She needs some boundaries.

570
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:56,260
- Or at least, a boundary.
- I know.

571
00:22:56,270 --> 00:22:58,530
I just, uh...

572
00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:00,700
I don't wanna hurt
her feelings.

573
00:23:00,710 --> 00:23:03,270
And, you know,
ever since my dad died

574
00:23:03,270 --> 00:23:05,710
I'm, like, pretty much
her only family.

575
00:23:05,710 --> 00:23:08,980
So I'm worried that if I
push her away even a little

576
00:23:08,980 --> 00:23:11,710
that it's gonna break
her heart.

577
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,220
She saw my boner, Kiki.

578
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:15,790
Yeah.

579
00:23:23,130 --> 00:23:25,560
Oh, my God. What the...

580
00:23:30,230 --> 00:23:34,200
What... the fuck?

581
00:23:50,690 --> 00:23:52,390
Okay, bring the French hens

582
00:23:52,390 --> 00:23:54,590
three inches to the left.

583
00:23:54,590 --> 00:23:56,720
<i>Yeah. Yeah.</i>

584
00:23:56,730 --> 00:23:58,160
Mom?

585
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:01,500
What are you doing?

586
00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:03,330
I am decorating
your house properly

587
00:24:03,330 --> 00:24:06,230
because apparently, you are
unwilling to do so yourself.

588
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,500
Why does my house
have to be properly decorated?

589
00:24:08,510 --> 00:24:10,840
Making Christmas special
is how you show

590
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,510
your family
that you love them, Amy.

591
00:24:12,510 --> 00:24:13,940
You don't want
your kids to think

592
00:24:13,940 --> 00:24:15,280
that they're worthless
and unloved.

593
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,040
- Do you?
- Well, no, of course not.

594
00:24:17,050 --> 00:24:19,550
This is the time of year
when moms kill themselves

595
00:24:19,550 --> 00:24:22,380
to create a magical world
of joy for their children.

596
00:24:22,390 --> 00:24:24,450
It is not a time of year
when moms sit around

597
00:24:24,460 --> 00:24:25,890
in their pajamas
eating fudge.

598
00:24:25,890 --> 00:24:27,560
- I don't even like fudge.
- Great.

599
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,220
So stop being a shitty mom.

600
00:24:29,230 --> 00:24:30,730
- Oh.
- Hey, kids.

601
00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:32,860
How do you like
the Christmas cavalcade, huh?

602
00:24:32,860 --> 00:24:35,360
- Oh, my gosh. It's awesome.
- Show mom how it works!

603
00:24:35,370 --> 00:24:37,570
Really, Amy,
you are gonna love this. Okay.

604
00:24:37,570 --> 00:24:41,300
We are go for
the cavalcade, over.

605
00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:44,370
Don't worry, I'll show you
how this works. It's on an app.

606
00:24:47,650 --> 00:24:49,910
Oh, you installed
outdoor speakers.

607
00:24:49,910 --> 00:24:51,580
Shh-shh, wait for it,
wait for it.

608
00:24:54,490 --> 00:24:57,150
<i>♪ Eleven pipers piping ♪</i>

609
00:24:57,150 --> 00:24:59,950
<i>♪ Ten lords a-leaping
nine ladies dancing ♪</i>

610
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,590
<i>♪ Eight maids a-milking
seven swans a-swimming ♪</i>

611
00:25:02,590 --> 00:25:03,960
<i>♪ Six geese a-laying ♪</i>

612
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,490
<i>♪ Five golden rings ♪</i>

613
00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:06,730
<i>♪ Five golden rings ♪♪</i>

614
00:25:06,730 --> 00:25:08,130
How much did this cost?

615
00:25:08,130 --> 00:25:09,500
How can you put a price tag

616
00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:11,970
on a child's happiness, Amy?

617
00:25:11,970 --> 00:25:14,900
- It was very expensive.
- God! Mom!

618
00:25:14,910 --> 00:25:17,410
Wait for it,
this is the big ending!

619
00:25:22,410 --> 00:25:25,250
Are those actual partridges?

620
00:25:25,250 --> 00:25:26,810
Of course.

621
00:25:26,820 --> 00:25:28,620
They don't have
any survival skills.

622
00:25:28,620 --> 00:25:31,090
They'll be dead within an hour.

623
00:25:31,090 --> 00:25:32,320
- Okay.
- Here, kids.

624
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,420
Have some breakfast candy.

625
00:25:34,430 --> 00:25:36,120
- I'm sorry, what?
- Oh, my God.

626
00:25:36,130 --> 00:25:37,590
Thank you, grandma.
I love you.

627
00:25:37,590 --> 00:25:40,430
I love you.
I love you, too, guys.

628
00:25:40,430 --> 00:25:42,130
Okay, let's reload the birds.

629
00:25:42,130 --> 00:25:43,170
And I hate that they're gray.

630
00:25:43,170 --> 00:25:44,770
Let's paint them all white.

631
00:25:44,770 --> 00:25:46,800
And can't they look
a little happier

632
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,140
when they fly away?

633
00:25:48,140 --> 00:25:49,210
I mean, it is Christmas.

634
00:25:51,270 --> 00:25:53,940
<i>Your mom decorated your house?</i>

635
00:25:53,940 --> 00:25:56,210
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is not okay.

636
00:25:56,210 --> 00:25:58,550
Who cares, let her
decorate your house.

637
00:25:58,550 --> 00:25:59,850
She wanna do mine next?

638
00:25:59,850 --> 00:26:01,350
It's-it's not about the house.

639
00:26:01,350 --> 00:26:03,780
It's-it's about the fact
that I'm a 34-year-old woman

640
00:26:03,790 --> 00:26:06,520
and my mother is still telling
me how to live my life.

641
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,290
Well, then you need
to fight her.

642
00:26:09,290 --> 00:26:11,830
Like... physically?

643
00:26:11,830 --> 00:26:13,400
That is correct, Amy.

644
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,030
I can teach you
some basic karate moves.

645
00:26:15,030 --> 00:26:16,800
But we all know that
she's gonna keep treating you

646
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,230
like this until you beat
the shit out of her.

647
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,240
I don't want you to meet my mom.

648
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,010
She's a 62-year-old woman,
so...

649
00:26:24,010 --> 00:26:25,410
Fine, but you need to have

650
00:26:25,410 --> 00:26:27,740
at least a serious
conversation with her.

651
00:26:27,740 --> 00:26:29,540
- That sounds more legal.
- I know. I know.

652
00:26:29,550 --> 00:26:31,650
And where's your dad
in all this?

653
00:26:31,650 --> 00:26:33,510
Oh, my dad, he's so sweet.

654
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:34,880
But he's completely
under her control.

655
00:26:34,890 --> 00:26:36,220
I mean, there's no way
he's gonna choose

656
00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:37,750
my side over hers, no.

657
00:26:37,750 --> 00:26:40,490
- Sweetie, that's hard.
- Oh...

658
00:26:40,490 --> 00:26:42,990
Moms are so weird.

659
00:26:42,990 --> 00:26:45,030
How's Christmas with your mom?

660
00:26:45,030 --> 00:26:47,230
Oh, you know. It's...

661
00:26:47,230 --> 00:26:49,430
It's okay-it's okay,
I guess. Yeah.

662
00:26:49,430 --> 00:26:52,330
I mean, my mom got her hair cut

663
00:26:52,340 --> 00:26:55,000
and colored exactly
like mine, but...

664
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,840
I think that's pretty
normal, right?

665
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:58,610
Your... Did your moms...

666
00:26:58,610 --> 00:27:02,280
Do your moms have
your... hairstyle?

667
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,780
You know, every time

668
00:27:04,780 --> 00:27:07,380
I think I'm the fucked-up one
in this group

669
00:27:07,380 --> 00:27:11,890
Kiki, you open your mouth,
and then I'm like

670
00:27:11,890 --> 00:27:14,620
"No, I'm doing great."

671
00:27:16,690 --> 00:27:18,860
Anyway, uh, my mom and
I were gonna

672
00:27:18,860 --> 00:27:20,600
take the kids over
to Sky Zone later.

673
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:22,200
- Do you guys wanna come?
- Legally...

674
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,530
I can't get within
50 yards of a Sky Zone but...

675
00:27:25,540 --> 00:27:27,570
Okay, you know what?
Fuck it. I'm totally in.

676
00:27:27,570 --> 00:27:29,740
- Amy?
- Oh, I can't-I can't go.

677
00:27:29,740 --> 00:27:31,470
I wish I could,
but my mother's making us

678
00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,080
go see "The Nutcracker." So...

679
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,480
- I love "The Nutcracker."
- Oh, no, no, no, no!

680
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,810
Not like the Sugar Plum Fairy
"Nutcracker."

681
00:27:37,810 --> 00:27:41,220
No, the original,
the five-hour long version

682
00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:43,620
that's all in Russian,
where a bunch of people die.

683
00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:45,220
It's-it's awful.

684
00:27:45,220 --> 00:27:47,050
- Why don't you just not go?
- Oh, God, no.

685
00:27:47,060 --> 00:27:48,960
No, she would never let me
live it down.

686
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,730
It's much easier
to do it this way.

687
00:27:50,730 --> 00:27:54,100
Guys, are we not taking
Christmas back this year?

688
00:27:54,100 --> 00:27:55,760
- Yeah.
- Hmm.

689
00:27:55,770 --> 00:27:57,600
I'm asking you that seriously
'cause I got so wasted

690
00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:59,500
at the mall, I can't remember
if I actually said that

691
00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:01,470
or if that's just something that
I'm dreaming about right now.

692
00:28:03,410 --> 00:28:05,270
Oh, shit. I'm so late for work.

693
00:28:05,270 --> 00:28:08,240
You guys, do you wanna know
what I've been working on?

694
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:10,680
- Happy Holidays.
- Oh, my...

695
00:28:14,250 --> 00:28:17,120
- Carla!
- Broke my cock!

696
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,790
- Just go to work.
- I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!

697
00:28:29,870 --> 00:28:34,640
- What up, lady?
- Mom! What are you doing here?

698
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,370
What does it look like
I'm doing?

699
00:28:36,370 --> 00:28:40,140
I'm waiting for my daughter
to give me a free manicure.

700
00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:43,210
- Free manicure, huh?
- Yeah.

701
00:28:43,210 --> 00:28:46,210
Alright. Well, at least
I'm not waxing your pussy.

702
00:28:46,220 --> 00:28:48,620
- Maybe next time.
- Okay.

703
00:28:48,620 --> 00:28:52,490
So, what's up?
You seein' anybody?

704
00:28:52,490 --> 00:28:54,390
Well, you know,
there was a couple of things

705
00:28:54,390 --> 00:28:56,160
going with some dads
from school.

706
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,860
But it gets complicated.

707
00:28:58,860 --> 00:29:01,800
Plus, like, there is not
a better time of the year

708
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,370
to be single than Christmas.

709
00:29:03,370 --> 00:29:05,230
I mean, it's like,
I go to the mall

710
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:08,400
and I see these, you know,
these couples walking around.

711
00:29:08,410 --> 00:29:12,340
And they're, they're, like,
holding hands and...

712
00:29:12,340 --> 00:29:14,910
You know,
wearing scarves

713
00:29:14,910 --> 00:29:17,550
and feeding
each other sandwiches

714
00:29:17,550 --> 00:29:22,150
and lookin' at jewelry,
you know...

715
00:29:22,150 --> 00:29:24,590
<i>♪ Every kiss
begins with Kay ♪♪</i>

716
00:29:24,590 --> 00:29:26,660
- Alright, stop. Stop.
- What?

717
00:29:26,660 --> 00:29:29,830
- You sound super lonely.
- No!

718
00:29:29,830 --> 00:29:32,090
Babe, listen,
the rock and roll lifestyle

719
00:29:32,100 --> 00:29:33,490
isn't for everybody.

720
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:35,500
I'm still super rock and roll.

721
00:29:35,500 --> 00:29:37,700
I woke up in a park
this morning.

722
00:29:37,700 --> 00:29:42,070
Carla. I found kale chips
in your kitchen.

723
00:29:42,070 --> 00:29:44,910
- Okay, those are for my kid.
- Right.

724
00:29:44,910 --> 00:29:46,280
They're healthy as fuck.

725
00:29:47,510 --> 00:29:49,910
Th... They say
they're heart-smart.

726
00:29:49,910 --> 00:29:52,250
You really care about
your kid, don't you?

727
00:29:52,250 --> 00:29:54,520
Yeah, he's my...

728
00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:56,520
I mean, most... people

729
00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:58,120
care about their children, mom.

730
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,250
Whatever, I just can't keep up

731
00:30:00,260 --> 00:30:02,430
with the latest
parenting trends.

732
00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:09,900
So, how you doin'?

733
00:30:09,900 --> 00:30:12,470
I've been better actually,
to tell you the truth. I...

734
00:30:12,470 --> 00:30:15,270
There is something
that I'm very excited about

735
00:30:15,270 --> 00:30:16,970
which I just need
a little money for...

736
00:30:16,970 --> 00:30:18,740
Here we go.

737
00:30:18,740 --> 00:30:20,940
- What?
- You always do this.

738
00:30:20,940 --> 00:30:22,740
What?

739
00:30:22,750 --> 00:30:24,380
You show back up in my life.

740
00:30:24,380 --> 00:30:26,280
You ask me for money,
I give it to you.

741
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:29,220
You gamble it all away
and you leave me and then

742
00:30:29,220 --> 00:30:31,420
you just come runnin' back
asking for more.

743
00:30:31,420 --> 00:30:33,550
I give it to you again
'cause I'm an idiot.

744
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:35,260
This is a legitimate

745
00:30:35,260 --> 00:30:37,990
business opportunity.

746
00:30:37,990 --> 00:30:39,430
How much do you need?

747
00:30:39,430 --> 00:30:41,600
Not much. Like five grand.

748
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,500
Really. Fiv... Between five
and ten grand, maybe 15, tops.

749
00:30:46,570 --> 00:30:48,300
Okay, I'll think about it.

750
00:30:48,300 --> 00:30:49,570
Good!

751
00:30:51,770 --> 00:30:55,440
Wow, you have some
really cool shit here, huh?

752
00:30:55,450 --> 00:30:58,580
Nice, classy place.

753
00:30:58,580 --> 00:31:00,490
<i>I wish I'd brought my purse.</i>

754
00:31:10,330 --> 00:31:12,830
Why do we have to go to
the "Russian Nutcracker" again?

755
00:31:12,830 --> 00:31:13,990
I mean, we're not even Russian.

756
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:15,260
The "Russian Nutcracker"

757
00:31:15,260 --> 00:31:17,500
is the <i>real</i> "Nutcracker."

758
00:31:17,500 --> 00:31:21,000
Not the sellout Disney version
with all the dancing and joy.

759
00:31:22,270 --> 00:31:24,670
Is it actually five hours long?

760
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:27,180
Yes, and you will love
every minute of it.

761
00:31:27,180 --> 00:31:29,340
Now, just listen
to this beautiful music.

762
00:31:33,180 --> 00:31:36,480
This song is called
"When Boris Gets Murdered."

763
00:31:36,490 --> 00:31:38,820
It sounds like
someone's yelling at us.

764
00:31:38,820 --> 00:31:40,720
Why can't we just
go do something fun?

765
00:31:47,130 --> 00:31:48,530
Where are you going?
It's not left.

766
00:31:48,530 --> 00:31:50,030
- The theater's to the right.
- Oh, I know.

767
00:31:50,030 --> 00:31:51,400
We're not goin' to the theater.

768
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:52,530
Where are you taking us?

769
00:31:52,540 --> 00:31:53,800
You'll see.

770
00:32:14,860 --> 00:32:16,190
Merry Christmas, guys!
Welcome to Sky Zone!

771
00:32:16,190 --> 00:32:17,390
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

772
00:32:17,390 --> 00:32:19,160
- Alright, uh, three kid passes?
- Yes.

773
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,730
No, no. Uh, sorry. We're-we're
actually all gonna go.

774
00:32:21,730 --> 00:32:23,930
- We're all gonna do it.
- No, we're not all doing it.

775
00:32:23,930 --> 00:32:25,900
It smells like diapers in here.

776
00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:28,840
- Amy! You guys made it!
- Hey!

777
00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:31,270
- I'm so glad you guys came!
- Oh, my God. Me, too.

778
00:32:31,270 --> 00:32:33,040
I think my mother's gonna kill
me in the middle of the night.

779
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:36,010
- But it's totally worth it.
- Hi, I'm Carla's mom.

780
00:32:36,010 --> 00:32:37,410
- Hi. Isis!
- Yeah.

781
00:32:37,410 --> 00:32:39,050
- Oh, yeah! Yeah!
- Nice to meet you.

782
00:32:39,050 --> 00:32:43,220
Hi. You must be Amy's mom.
I'm Carla.

783
00:32:43,220 --> 00:32:45,120
Jaxon, honey,
mama needs more hooch.

784
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:46,890
- Ooh, good idea.
- Yeah.

785
00:32:46,890 --> 00:32:49,060
- Top me off, babe.
- That's my son, Jaxon.

786
00:32:49,060 --> 00:32:51,960
- This is my mom, Isis.
- Hello. Ruth.

787
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,700
- Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
- Huh. Isis.

788
00:32:55,700 --> 00:32:58,730
Like the terrorist organization.

789
00:32:58,740 --> 00:33:02,570
- This is my mom, Sandy.
- Oh, hi, Amy.

790
00:33:02,570 --> 00:33:05,310
I've heard so much about you.

791
00:33:05,310 --> 00:33:09,280
Oh, boy! You really have
the same haircuts.

792
00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:12,580
Hello, I'm Ruth.
I'm Amy's mom.

793
00:33:12,580 --> 00:33:15,390
I'm Jessie. I was literally
just in the car with you.

794
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:20,550
Come on. Who's ready
to have some Christmas fun?

795
00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,790
♪ I ain't scared
I ain't scared ♪

796
00:33:22,790 --> 00:33:25,160
♪ I can't stop
so let's go oh oh ♪

797
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,260
♪ I like it
when you do it like that ♪

798
00:33:27,260 --> 00:33:29,000
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

799
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:31,570
♪ And I know when
we're moving like that ♪

800
00:33:31,570 --> 00:33:34,140
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that ♪

801
00:33:34,140 --> 00:33:36,300
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Watch me now ♪

802
00:33:36,310 --> 00:33:38,010
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Don't stop me now ♪

803
00:33:38,010 --> 00:33:40,240
♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪

804
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,350
♪ Like I do it I'm gon' do it
like a star ♪

805
00:33:43,350 --> 00:33:45,150
♪ Yeah I like it
when you do it like that ♪

806
00:33:45,150 --> 00:33:47,650
♪ Know exactly what you thinking
when I do it like that ♪

807
00:33:47,650 --> 00:33:49,620
♪ Pull it right back
turn the beat so fast ♪

808
00:33:49,620 --> 00:33:52,020
♪ Keep the bass real low
I keep it just like that yeah ♪

809
00:33:52,020 --> 00:33:54,320
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Watch me now ♪

810
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,160
- ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪
- ♪ Don't stop me now ♪

811
00:33:56,160 --> 00:33:58,160
♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪

812
00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,430
♪ Like I do it
I'm gon' do it ♪

813
00:34:00,430 --> 00:34:02,600
♪ Like that ♪

814
00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:10,110
♪ Hey hey yeah yeah yeah ♪

815
00:34:10,110 --> 00:34:11,940
♪ Yeah I do it do it
you never do it ♪

816
00:34:11,940 --> 00:34:14,540
♪ I pick it up and throw it
right back when I get into it ♪

817
00:34:14,540 --> 00:34:16,710
♪ 'Cause there's no holding back
when I break through it ♪

818
00:34:16,710 --> 00:34:18,950
♪ Better hurry up and get it
when I do you won't forget it ♪

819
00:34:18,950 --> 00:34:20,780
♪ I like it
when you do it like that ♪

820
00:34:20,780 --> 00:34:22,950
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

821
00:34:22,950 --> 00:34:25,450
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that ♪

822
00:34:25,460 --> 00:34:27,820
♪ I like it
when you do it like that ♪

823
00:34:27,820 --> 00:34:29,720
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

824
00:34:29,730 --> 00:34:31,890
♪ And I know
when we do it like that ♪

825
00:34:31,900 --> 00:34:33,330
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that ♪♪

826
00:34:33,330 --> 00:34:35,860
Hi, Ruth.
We bought you a churro.

827
00:34:35,870 --> 00:34:37,800
- You want that?
- No, thank you.

828
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:39,230
This place is fun.

829
00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:41,200
I never went to a place like
this when I was a kid.

830
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:42,670
My God, no.

831
00:34:42,670 --> 00:34:44,170
When I was a kid,
we would go down

832
00:34:44,170 --> 00:34:46,340
to the quarry
and blow shit up.

833
00:34:46,340 --> 00:34:48,810
That's nice.
Where are you ladies from?

834
00:34:48,810 --> 00:34:51,050
I am from Ottawa,
which is in Canada.

835
00:34:51,050 --> 00:34:53,250
And then my husband Dirk
wanted a faster life

836
00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:55,820
so we moved to Bismarck,
North Dakota.

837
00:34:55,820 --> 00:34:59,320
And then I had Kiki
when I was only 18 years old.

838
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:02,690
And then Dirk died.
A long, slow, painful death.

839
00:35:02,690 --> 00:35:06,190
But we're all gonna die
sometime, alone and afraid.

840
00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:08,060
- Where are you from, Ruth?
- Chicago.

841
00:35:08,060 --> 00:35:09,900
The City of Lights!

842
00:35:09,900 --> 00:35:11,200
The Windy City.

843
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:12,270
You know what they call
Bismarck?

844
00:35:12,270 --> 00:35:13,830
"The City of Old White People."

845
00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:15,700
You are so weird.

846
00:35:15,700 --> 00:35:18,070
Ruth, did you enjoy
growing up in Chicago?

847
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,510
No. My mother
was a terrible woman.

848
00:35:20,510 --> 00:35:22,410
- Oh.
- She once slapped me.

849
00:35:22,410 --> 00:35:24,950
For wearing open-toed shoes
on a sailboat.

850
00:35:24,950 --> 00:35:26,550
Well, it was
a different time then.

851
00:35:26,550 --> 00:35:27,550
This was two months ago.

852
00:35:29,220 --> 00:35:31,390
My daughter thinks
that I'm so hard on her.

853
00:35:31,390 --> 00:35:33,020
But she has no idea
what I went through

854
00:35:33,020 --> 00:35:34,520
with my own mother.

855
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:36,890
When I was 15,
I got my ears pierced

856
00:35:36,890 --> 00:35:38,930
and she called me a whore.

857
00:35:38,930 --> 00:35:41,100
And sent me away
to boarding school.

858
00:35:41,100 --> 00:35:42,960
- In Croatia.
- Croatia?

859
00:35:42,970 --> 00:35:44,630
- Now, that is a hard woman.
- Uh.

860
00:35:44,630 --> 00:35:46,570
- Where are you from, Isis?
- I don't know, everywhere.

861
00:35:46,570 --> 00:35:48,040
I never met my parents.

862
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:49,870
I basically just raised myself

863
00:35:49,870 --> 00:35:51,470
using my wits and my tits.

864
00:35:51,470 --> 00:35:53,940
Oh, wow.
That sounds disgusting.

865
00:35:53,940 --> 00:35:56,740
No, dude, I was a roadie
for REO Speedwagon

866
00:35:56,750 --> 00:35:59,080
for 15 years.

867
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:02,550
Oh, um, Isis, you're not allowed
to smoke cigarettes in here.

868
00:36:02,550 --> 00:36:03,890
It's okay.
It's not a cigarette.

869
00:36:03,890 --> 00:36:05,320
- You want some?
- No! Ahem!

870
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:07,920
- You want some?
- Uh, no, thank you.

871
00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:09,790
- Suit yourself.
- So...

872
00:36:09,790 --> 00:36:12,260
Which church does everyone
go to on Christmas Eve?

873
00:36:12,260 --> 00:36:14,290
Well, I always go
to midnight mass

874
00:36:14,300 --> 00:36:16,100
at Our Mother
of Perpetual Suffering.

875
00:36:16,100 --> 00:36:18,270
It's the premiere service
in the city.

876
00:36:18,270 --> 00:36:20,140
- Great, I'll meet you there.
- What?

877
00:36:20,140 --> 00:36:23,000
This is so nice.
Making new friends.

878
00:36:23,010 --> 00:36:25,070
- Yeah.
- You guys wanna play dodgeball?

879
00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:26,840
No, honey.
Grandmas don't play dodgeball.

880
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:28,580
- We should...
- What the fuck did she say?

881
00:36:28,580 --> 00:36:30,850
She said, "Grandmas
don't play dodgeball."

882
00:36:30,850 --> 00:36:33,080
I got it, but we play.
We play.

883
00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:35,150
I'm in.

884
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:54,670
<i>♪ When I get high
I get high on speed ♪</i>

885
00:36:54,670 --> 00:36:56,840
<i>♪ Top fuel funny car's
a drug for me ♪</i>

886
00:36:56,840 --> 00:36:58,940
<i>♪ My heart my heart ♪</i>

887
00:36:58,940 --> 00:37:01,310
<i>♪ Kickstart my heart ♪</i>

888
00:37:07,980 --> 00:37:10,620
<i>♪ Whoa yeah ♪</i>

889
00:37:10,620 --> 00:37:13,320
<i>♪ Kickstart my heart
give it a start ♪</i>

890
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,860
<i>♪ Whoa yeah ♪</i>

891
00:37:15,860 --> 00:37:18,630
<i>♪ Baby ♪</i>

892
00:37:18,630 --> 00:37:21,360
<i>♪ Whoa yeah ♪</i>

893
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,060
<i>♪ Kickstart my heart
hope it never stops ♪</i>

894
00:37:24,070 --> 00:37:26,700
<i>♪ Oh yeah ♪</i>

895
00:37:26,700 --> 00:37:29,840
<i>♪ Baby ♪♪</i>

896
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,100
Tonight was a complete travesty.

897
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:34,400
Do you think
that was funny, Hank?

898
00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:36,070
What if I changed out
your heart pills?

899
00:38:36,070 --> 00:38:38,740
- Would that be funny, too?
- Oh, Jesus, babe.

900
00:38:38,740 --> 00:38:41,480
I can't believe
A-Amy is actually intent

901
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:42,940
on ruining Christmas this year.

902
00:38:42,950 --> 00:38:44,480
I'm gonna have
to redouble my efforts.

903
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:45,910
Or you could stop
fighting with her

904
00:38:45,910 --> 00:38:47,650
and we could just have
a nice Christmas.

905
00:38:47,650 --> 00:38:50,220
Do you think I enjoy fighting
with my daughter, Hank?

906
00:38:50,220 --> 00:38:53,620
- Yeah! Oh.
- Because I don't.

907
00:38:53,620 --> 00:38:55,560
I'm just trying to give
my grandchildren

908
00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,890
the amazing Christmas
that they deserve.

909
00:38:58,890 --> 00:39:01,230
This is their first Christmas
without their father.

910
00:39:01,230 --> 00:39:02,730
And if it is perfect

911
00:39:02,730 --> 00:39:05,630
they will know
that things are gonna be okay.

912
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,600
But if our daughter throws
a half-assed Christmas

913
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,910
it will rattle the kids,
and they could descend

914
00:39:10,910 --> 00:39:14,110
into a spiral of fear,
depression and drugs.

915
00:39:14,110 --> 00:39:18,510
Okay. But the kids looked
really happy tonight.

916
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:19,810
They would have been happier

917
00:39:19,820 --> 00:39:21,580
at the "Russian Nutcracker,"
Hank.

918
00:39:21,580 --> 00:39:25,350
My way of doing Christmas
is enchanting and magical.

919
00:39:25,350 --> 00:39:29,090
And Amy's way of doing Christmas
is lazy and embarrassing.

920
00:39:29,090 --> 00:39:30,930
And my way is better,
and my way will win.

921
00:39:30,930 --> 00:39:32,590
Because my way will always win.

922
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,960
Well, I'm just glad
this is all about the kids.

923
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,130
Hank, I am Amy's mother

924
00:39:37,130 --> 00:39:38,830
and it is my <i>job</i>

925
00:39:38,830 --> 00:39:42,370
to push her to be the best
mother she possibly can be.

926
00:39:42,370 --> 00:39:44,270
Trust me, someday
she will thank me

927
00:39:44,270 --> 00:39:47,270
in an inspirational speech
at some large public venue.

928
00:39:48,810 --> 00:39:50,680
Now, are you done
ironing my pajamas, Hank?

929
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,880
Yes, Ruth.

930
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:54,890
They're still warm.

931
00:39:56,050 --> 00:39:58,020
I'm sorry you're upset.

932
00:39:59,490 --> 00:40:01,820
Thank you.

933
00:40:01,830 --> 00:40:03,730
It's okay.

934
00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:10,370
You're wrinkling my pajamas.

935
00:40:11,900 --> 00:40:13,330
I'll get your toothbrush ready.

936
00:40:13,340 --> 00:40:14,500
Thank you.

937
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:22,640
Oh, my God. No more pussies.
Please, God. No more pussies.

938
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,250
Uh, yeah?

939
00:40:25,250 --> 00:40:27,010
Oh, hi. Uh...

940
00:40:27,020 --> 00:40:29,080
<i>Are you Carla?</i>

941
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,520
Yeah, I am.

942
00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:36,260
- Who are you?
- <i>I'm Ty Swindel.</i>

943
00:40:36,260 --> 00:40:37,760
I'm here to get my balls waxed.

944
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:39,260
<i>That's great news.</i>

945
00:40:39,260 --> 00:40:42,260
Why don't you hop
on my table, Ty Swindel?

946
00:40:42,270 --> 00:40:43,270
Alright, thank you.

947
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,170
Okay.

948
00:40:46,170 --> 00:40:49,340
So, uh, have you ever had
your balls waxed before, Ty?

949
00:40:49,340 --> 00:40:51,440
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'm, uh, I'm an exotic dancer.

950
00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:54,510
So I have to keep my dick, balls
and taint smooth at all times.

951
00:40:54,510 --> 00:40:55,880
- Great. Okay, got it.
- Yeah.

952
00:40:55,880 --> 00:40:58,680
Um, so I am just gonna
remove the towel

953
00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:01,080
and then we'll apply
the wax if you...

954
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,450
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

955
00:41:03,450 --> 00:41:05,120
Look at the size of that thing.

956
00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:07,020
This... It looks like
a parking cone.

957
00:41:07,020 --> 00:41:09,120
I am so sorry.
I forgot to te...

958
00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,620
You know,
it scares most people.

959
00:41:10,630 --> 00:41:12,060
No, I'm not scared, though.
I just...

960
00:41:12,060 --> 00:41:13,460
I'm gonna need a lot more...

961
00:41:13,460 --> 00:41:16,060
- Just a lot more wax.
- Okay.

962
00:41:16,060 --> 00:41:17,970
- So just give me one second.
- Sure.

963
00:41:19,870 --> 00:41:21,370
Wow. Okay.

964
00:41:23,070 --> 00:41:25,470
So, who usually
waxes your balls?

965
00:41:25,470 --> 00:41:27,540
Oh, I go to a woman
in, uh, Cleveland.

966
00:41:27,540 --> 00:41:29,740
- Which is where I'm from.
- No way.

967
00:41:29,750 --> 00:41:31,550
- What?
- I'm from Edgewater.

968
00:41:31,550 --> 00:41:33,210
- You're from Edgewater?
- Yeah.

969
00:41:33,220 --> 00:41:35,220
- I'm from Tremont!
- Oh, my God. Small world.

970
00:41:35,220 --> 00:41:37,150
- Unbelievable.
- That is so weird!

971
00:41:37,150 --> 00:41:39,290
Like... Right?

972
00:41:39,290 --> 00:41:41,760
Wow. Okay, um...

973
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:44,160
If you could just, uh,
lift that penis up for me.

974
00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:45,560
Okay.

975
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:46,960
Yeah, that's great.

976
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:49,130
So, uh, what brings you
to Chicago, Ty?

977
00:41:49,130 --> 00:41:52,000
Well, I'm in town to do
a few Sexy Santa competitions.

978
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:53,430
- Nice!
- Yeah.

979
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,610
Okay, slight sting
on your nutsack.

980
00:42:03,980 --> 00:42:06,750
So, um, how did you
get into dancing?

981
00:42:06,750 --> 00:42:09,820
Oh, I'm a fireman by trade.
That's what I do.

982
00:42:09,820 --> 00:42:10,950
Of course you are.

983
00:42:10,950 --> 00:42:12,190
And a few years ago

984
00:42:12,190 --> 00:42:14,420
I responded to this fire
at a strip club.

985
00:42:14,420 --> 00:42:16,620
And the owner comes up to me,
and he's like

986
00:42:16,630 --> 00:42:19,490
"Hey, dude.
You got a massive cock?"

987
00:42:19,500 --> 00:42:23,300
And I'm like,
"Uh... Well, I do."

988
00:42:23,300 --> 00:42:25,100
And the rest is,
the rest is history.

989
00:42:25,100 --> 00:42:26,500
Wow.

990
00:42:26,500 --> 00:42:28,700
That's a beautiful story, Ty.

991
00:42:28,700 --> 00:42:31,140
Thank you.

992
00:42:31,140 --> 00:42:32,480
Okay. Hot burn.

993
00:42:34,540 --> 00:42:37,940
- So, um, holidays, huh?
- I know.

994
00:42:37,950 --> 00:42:39,880
You got big plans
with your girlfriend?

995
00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:42,320
I wish. I wish
I had a girlfriend.

996
00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:45,020
Yeah, most women,
they just see me as this object

997
00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:47,890
to have sex with
and then they leave. You know?

998
00:42:47,890 --> 00:42:49,190
And I'm like,
"Yeah, I dance around

999
00:42:49,190 --> 00:42:51,390
"in basketball sneakers
and a G-string.

1000
00:42:51,390 --> 00:42:53,730
It doesn't mean
I don't have feelings." Right?

1001
00:42:53,730 --> 00:42:55,330
Yeah.

1002
00:42:55,330 --> 00:42:56,900
I, uh...

1003
00:42:56,900 --> 00:42:58,400
I can relate.

1004
00:42:58,400 --> 00:42:59,800
I don't know what it is
about you, I just...

1005
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:01,170
I feel like you're easy
to talk to, you know?

1006
00:43:01,170 --> 00:43:05,140
I can just open up.
Be myself. It's nice.

1007
00:43:05,140 --> 00:43:06,680
I feel the same way, Ty.

1008
00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:12,010
Okay, um,
I'm gonna need you

1009
00:43:12,020 --> 00:43:14,380
to, uh, put your heels
over your head

1010
00:43:14,380 --> 00:43:17,650
so I can start to go to town
on your taint and your butthole.

1011
00:43:17,650 --> 00:43:19,250
- Yep.
- Great. Thanks.

1012
00:43:19,250 --> 00:43:20,490
- Alright.
- Okay.

1013
00:43:20,490 --> 00:43:21,890
Let's get these
out of the way.

1014
00:43:21,890 --> 00:43:23,660
Right. There we go.
Great, great, great.

1015
00:43:23,660 --> 00:43:25,730
Carla, uh...

1016
00:43:25,730 --> 00:43:28,430
At the risk of sounding forward

1017
00:43:28,430 --> 00:43:31,270
um, would you be willing
to come with me

1018
00:43:31,270 --> 00:43:33,900
to my Sexy Santa
Competition tonight?

1019
00:43:33,900 --> 00:43:36,370
Uh, well, I-I don't date
my clients, Ty.

1020
00:43:36,370 --> 00:43:38,840
I have a really strict code.

1021
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:41,180
Yeah. Oh, of course you do.
Are you kidding me?

1022
00:43:41,180 --> 00:43:43,110
I know. And I know. And-and you
should. You should have a...

1023
00:43:43,110 --> 00:43:46,280
I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty.
I don't have a code!

1024
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:48,780
I'm waxing your butthole.

1025
00:43:48,790 --> 00:43:50,520
I would love to go to your show.

1026
00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,190
- You would?
- Yes!

1027
00:43:52,190 --> 00:43:53,450
<i>Yes! Oh, my God.</i>

1028
00:43:53,460 --> 00:43:55,220
She's funny and she's beautiful.

1029
00:43:55,220 --> 00:43:57,560
This is a combination you don't
run into every day, you know.

1030
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:00,690
Well, you don't see this combo
that often, either.

1031
00:44:00,700 --> 00:44:03,930
So it's a date, then.
I'll see you tonight.

1032
00:44:03,930 --> 00:44:05,770
It's a date.

1033
00:44:05,770 --> 00:44:08,230
Oh, um, do you want me
to reach down there

1034
00:44:08,240 --> 00:44:11,040
and-and I can pull my butt crack
open for you if you want.

1035
00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:13,240
Thank you.

1036
00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:15,880
No one's ever asked
if they could hold

1037
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:19,150
their butt crack
open for me before.

1038
00:44:19,150 --> 00:44:21,820
I'll hold my butt crack open
for you anytime you want, Carla.

1039
00:44:24,220 --> 00:44:26,590
Where did you come from,
Ty Swindel?

1040
00:44:35,970 --> 00:44:38,230
So what brings you
here today, Kiki?

1041
00:44:38,230 --> 00:44:41,770
Well, um, my mom and I,
we're very close.

1042
00:44:41,770 --> 00:44:43,970
And we would like to be...

1043
00:44:43,970 --> 00:44:45,010
To be closer.

1044
00:44:45,010 --> 00:44:47,010
No. No.

1045
00:44:47,010 --> 00:44:50,010
I think, uh, we would,
we would like to be

1046
00:44:50,010 --> 00:44:51,780
a little more independent.

1047
00:44:51,780 --> 00:44:53,150
Closer.

1048
00:44:53,150 --> 00:44:55,420
Uh, Sandy, tell me

1049
00:44:55,420 --> 00:44:57,250
about your relationship
with your daughter.

1050
00:44:57,250 --> 00:45:00,590
Oh, my gosh.
That's my favorite topic.

1051
00:45:00,590 --> 00:45:04,760
Well, I had Kiki
when I was 18 years old.

1052
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:07,160
And when the nurse
placed her on my breast

1053
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:08,600
I looked down at her
and I said

1054
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:12,200
"You are gonna be
my best friend forever."

1055
00:45:12,200 --> 00:45:14,870
Is that normal?
The best friend forever thing?

1056
00:45:14,870 --> 00:45:16,640
Uh, well, you know,
we don't like to use the word

1057
00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:18,540
"Normal" around here.

1058
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:24,210
Anyways, Kiki and I have
always been super close

1059
00:45:24,210 --> 00:45:26,450
because we're basically
the same age.

1060
00:45:26,450 --> 00:45:28,310
And then my husband died

1061
00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:31,850
and we became crazy close.

1062
00:45:31,850 --> 00:45:33,350
We went to prom together.

1063
00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:35,560
Wow!

1064
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:36,790
Okay.

1065
00:45:36,790 --> 00:45:39,630
And, uh, Kiki, uh...

1066
00:45:39,630 --> 00:45:41,830
How does all this closeness
make you feel?

1067
00:45:41,830 --> 00:45:43,330
- Well...
- Well, she feels great.

1068
00:45:43,330 --> 00:45:45,870
Who wouldn't want to be
best friends with their mom?

1069
00:45:45,870 --> 00:45:47,700
- I love my mom.
- Thank you, honey.

1070
00:45:47,700 --> 00:45:49,340
- I really do.
- Thank you.

1071
00:45:49,340 --> 00:45:51,740
But sometimes,
she can be a bit much.

1072
00:45:51,740 --> 00:45:53,240
What?

1073
00:45:53,240 --> 00:45:56,380
- Like when?
- Like, uh...

1074
00:45:56,380 --> 00:45:58,680
When you watched Kent and I
have sex the other night.

1075
00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:00,310
Oh, Lord.

1076
00:46:00,320 --> 00:46:01,880
I just wanna know
what's going on in your life.

1077
00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:03,680
- Is that so wrong?
- No.

1078
00:46:03,690 --> 00:46:05,350
But sometimes, I just...

1079
00:46:05,350 --> 00:46:07,260
I'm in need of a little space.

1080
00:46:08,830 --> 00:46:11,690
Oh, boy. I don't know
what's happening right now.

1081
00:46:11,690 --> 00:46:15,830
- W-why are you turning on me?
- I'm not turning on you.

1082
00:46:15,830 --> 00:46:18,270
I'm just saying,
I think that we could benefit

1083
00:46:18,270 --> 00:46:20,170
from some boundaries, right?

1084
00:46:20,170 --> 00:46:21,200
I have cancer.

1085
00:46:23,170 --> 00:46:25,240
- Cancer?
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.

1086
00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:26,940
Oh, God. What kind of cancer?

1087
00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:32,950
Heart... cancer.

1088
00:46:36,790 --> 00:46:38,080
- Heart cancer?
- Yeah.

1089
00:46:38,090 --> 00:46:40,350
Stage 12.

1090
00:46:40,360 --> 00:46:42,760
Maybe you can find it
in your non-cancerous heart

1091
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:44,890
to be nice to me before I die.

1092
00:46:46,430 --> 00:46:50,260
I'm so sorry, mom.
I had... I had no idea.

1093
00:46:50,270 --> 00:46:53,530
I know. I know.

1094
00:46:53,540 --> 00:46:54,910
Oh, God.

1095
00:46:57,970 --> 00:46:59,470
<i>Mom.</i>

1096
00:46:59,470 --> 00:47:01,240
Oh, Keeks.

1097
00:47:01,240 --> 00:47:04,310
Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks.

1098
00:47:04,310 --> 00:47:06,750
- Okay, I don't have cancer.
- What?

1099
00:47:06,750 --> 00:47:07,780
I knew it.

1100
00:47:07,780 --> 00:47:09,780
But imagine if I did have cancer

1101
00:47:09,790 --> 00:47:12,390
how would you feel
being so mean to your mother?

1102
00:47:12,390 --> 00:47:14,290
I'm not trying
to be mean to you, mom.

1103
00:47:14,290 --> 00:47:15,920
I'm trying to have
an honest conversation

1104
00:47:15,930 --> 00:47:17,090
about our relationship.

1105
00:47:17,090 --> 00:47:18,490
- I have cancer again.
- No.

1106
00:47:18,490 --> 00:47:19,960
It doesn't work like that
a second time.

1107
00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:22,300
- I have polio.
- I think they cured polio.

1108
00:47:22,300 --> 00:47:24,460
- I have bubonic plague.
- No.

1109
00:47:24,470 --> 00:47:25,800
- I have shingles.
- Mom!

1110
00:47:25,800 --> 00:47:27,170
I have bird flu.

1111
00:47:27,170 --> 00:47:29,300
- Are you done?
- I have a lazy eye.

1112
00:47:29,310 --> 00:47:30,740
Mom!

1113
00:47:30,740 --> 00:47:33,310
Please, can we just talk
about our relationship?

1114
00:47:33,310 --> 00:47:35,280
Because I wanna work
this out with you.

1115
00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:36,980
Yes.

1116
00:47:36,980 --> 00:47:39,680
Let's do that. Yes.

1117
00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:41,250
- Really?
- Yes.

1118
00:47:41,250 --> 00:47:42,280
I wanna work this out with you.

1119
00:47:42,290 --> 00:47:43,420
Honestly?

1120
00:47:43,420 --> 00:47:44,650
I'm gonna run
to the ladies' room

1121
00:47:44,650 --> 00:47:46,420
and I will be right back.

1122
00:47:46,420 --> 00:47:47,490
Okay.

1123
00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:03,640
She's not coming back, is she?

1124
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:05,510
No.

1125
00:48:05,510 --> 00:48:07,470
What is the matter with her?

1126
00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:10,610
- You really wanna know?
- Yeah.

1127
00:48:10,610 --> 00:48:13,780
Your mom was probably pretty
normal before she had you.

1128
00:48:13,780 --> 00:48:15,220
But then you were born.

1129
00:48:15,220 --> 00:48:16,850
And you didn't sleep
for six months

1130
00:48:16,850 --> 00:48:18,720
so she didn't sleep
for six months.

1131
00:48:18,720 --> 00:48:21,620
And you refused to eat,
and when you did eat

1132
00:48:21,620 --> 00:48:23,320
you would barf
all over her clothes.

1133
00:48:23,330 --> 00:48:25,460
<i>And that made your mom
a little crazy.</i>

1134
00:48:25,460 --> 00:48:27,960
And then you fell off your bike
and you broke your arm.

1135
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:29,560
And then you got bullied
in school.

1136
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:31,400
And then you started dating
that weird dude

1137
00:48:31,400 --> 00:48:33,170
with the stick through his nose.

1138
00:48:33,170 --> 00:48:34,970
And all those things
made your mom

1139
00:48:34,970 --> 00:48:36,640
<i>a little more crazy.</i>

1140
00:48:36,640 --> 00:48:38,070
And then you got married.

1141
00:48:38,070 --> 00:48:39,870
And you bought a house
you can't afford.

1142
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:41,680
And you're raising kids
who never say

1143
00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:43,210
"Please" or "Thank you."

1144
00:48:43,210 --> 00:48:45,040
Shit, they can't even read.

1145
00:48:45,050 --> 00:48:47,010
And all those things
made your mom

1146
00:48:47,020 --> 00:48:48,550
super-duper crazy.

1147
00:48:48,550 --> 00:48:50,850
And now you come
into my office, and you go

1148
00:48:50,850 --> 00:48:53,990
"Dr. Karl,
why is my mom so crazy?"

1149
00:48:53,990 --> 00:48:56,760
And the answer is...

1150
00:48:56,760 --> 00:48:58,020
you, motherfucker.

1151
00:48:58,030 --> 00:48:59,860
You made your mom crazy.

1152
00:48:59,860 --> 00:49:02,060
So be nice to your mom,
'cause you're the one

1153
00:49:02,060 --> 00:49:04,000
who fucked her shit up.

1154
00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:08,170
♪ You make it feel
like Christmas ♪♪

1155
00:49:08,170 --> 00:49:12,270
We are gonna dominate
caroling this year.

1156
00:49:12,270 --> 00:49:13,840
What are you wearing?

1157
00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:15,580
Sweetie, if you wanna win
the Caroling Cup

1158
00:49:15,580 --> 00:49:17,280
you have to have a theme.

1159
00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:18,950
Which is why we are all going

1160
00:49:18,950 --> 00:49:21,550
as characters
from "A Christmas Carol."

1161
00:49:21,550 --> 00:49:24,450
- Oh, my God!
- Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost.

1162
00:49:24,450 --> 00:49:27,350
Jane, you are the Ghost
of Christmas Present.

1163
00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:28,590
Oh, great.

1164
00:49:28,590 --> 00:49:30,620
And Amy, you're Scrooge.

1165
00:49:30,630 --> 00:49:32,730
Oh. Wow, thanks, mom.

1166
00:49:32,730 --> 00:49:34,560
I just think it's appropriate,
given how much

1167
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:36,630
you seem to hate
Christmas this year.

1168
00:49:36,630 --> 00:49:38,600
Mother, I don't hate Christmas.

1169
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:40,470
And here is
everyone's sheet music.

1170
00:49:40,470 --> 00:49:42,470
I'd hoped we'd all be
off-book by now.

1171
00:49:42,470 --> 00:49:44,310
- This is a lot of songs.
- Well...

1172
00:49:44,310 --> 00:49:46,640
Every home in Westbury gets to
vote on who wins the Cup.

1173
00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:50,110
So we have to hit at least
300 houses tonight.

1174
00:49:50,110 --> 00:49:51,380
Three hundred?

1175
00:49:51,380 --> 00:49:52,880
Don't worry. We have back-up.

1176
00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:54,950
Come on in, everybody.

1177
00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:58,650
Please welcome
the Chicago All Saints Choir.

1178
00:49:58,650 --> 00:50:00,390
You hired ringers?

1179
00:50:00,390 --> 00:50:03,390
I did what I needed to do
to succeed, Amy.

1180
00:50:03,390 --> 00:50:05,160
You should try it sometime.

1181
00:50:05,160 --> 00:50:07,890
Okay, fine.
We'll go caroling.

1182
00:50:07,900 --> 00:50:10,130
But I'm not wearing
this ridiculous costume.

1183
00:50:13,770 --> 00:50:15,670
Fuck me.

1184
00:50:22,980 --> 00:50:25,080
Hey, guys, we got more carolers.

1185
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:27,080
Read your line, Scrooge!

1186
00:50:28,820 --> 00:50:30,350
- Do it.
- Mm.

1187
00:50:32,020 --> 00:50:33,920
"Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge

1188
00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:35,460
"and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work

1189
00:50:35,460 --> 00:50:37,160
and I am lazy."

1190
00:50:37,160 --> 00:50:39,090
Please, Mr. Scrooge!

1191
00:50:39,100 --> 00:50:41,160
Won't you listen
to our song?

1192
00:50:41,160 --> 00:50:45,270
And let ye heart be warmed!
Two, three, four.

1193
00:50:45,270 --> 00:50:49,970
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

1194
00:50:49,970 --> 00:50:53,010
♪ We wish you a merry
Christmas ♪

1195
00:50:53,010 --> 00:50:55,780
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

1196
00:50:55,780 --> 00:50:59,050
♪ And a happy New Year ♪

1197
00:50:59,050 --> 00:51:02,150
♪ Good tidings we bring ♪

1198
00:51:02,150 --> 00:51:04,520
♪ To you and your kids ♪

1199
00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:07,850
♪ Yeah good tidings
for Christmas ♪

1200
00:51:07,860 --> 00:51:09,860
What the fuck
is happening?

1201
00:51:09,860 --> 00:51:12,460
♪ Happy New Year
everybody ♪

1202
00:51:13,730 --> 00:51:16,400
<i>♪ And a happy New Year ♪♪</i>

1203
00:51:27,810 --> 00:51:29,980
"Bah-humbug,
I'm Ebenezer Scrooge

1204
00:51:29,980 --> 00:51:31,980
and I hate Christmas
because it's so much work..."

1205
00:51:31,980 --> 00:51:34,380
Amy?

1206
00:51:34,380 --> 00:51:36,050
Oh, shit!

1207
00:51:36,050 --> 00:51:39,590
What in the fuck
are you wearing?

1208
00:51:39,590 --> 00:51:41,320
My mom made me wear this.

1209
00:51:41,320 --> 00:51:44,260
Oh, my God!
You look amazing, serious...

1210
00:51:44,260 --> 00:51:46,530
Honestly, this is better than
what you usually wear at school.

1211
00:51:46,530 --> 00:51:47,860
- Wait, guys, come here.
- No, no, guys, it's okay.

1212
00:51:47,860 --> 00:51:48,930
You could, you could
just stay there, it's...

1213
00:51:48,930 --> 00:51:50,230
This is Amy Mitchell.

1214
00:51:50,230 --> 00:51:52,030
She's dressed up
as an old fat man.

1215
00:51:52,030 --> 00:51:54,730
Uh, no, I'm actually supposed
to be Scrooge, but that's...

1216
00:51:54,740 --> 00:51:56,900
Don't laugh, she's my friend.
That's rude.

1217
00:51:56,910 --> 00:51:59,070
Honey, I'm going to Instagram
the shit out of this, right now.

1218
00:51:59,080 --> 00:52:00,240
- Okay, wait. Side angle.
- Oh, great!

1219
00:52:00,240 --> 00:52:02,080
- And this one.
- Okay, um.

1220
00:52:02,080 --> 00:52:04,110
Can you do a li... Can you purse
your lips for me a little bit?

1221
00:52:04,110 --> 00:52:05,910
I'm gonna go kill myself, so...

1222
00:52:05,910 --> 00:52:08,750
I'll put a filter on it,
so you don't look so tired.

1223
00:52:08,750 --> 00:52:11,120
- Thank you for visiting, Amy!
- Bye.

1224
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:13,020
I will never let you
forget this.

1225
00:52:13,020 --> 00:52:15,460
- You know that.
- I do.

1226
00:52:15,460 --> 00:52:17,390
Was that a broken dick
on her face?

1227
00:52:20,730 --> 00:52:23,760
Well, I thought that was
an enormous success.

1228
00:52:23,770 --> 00:52:25,930
Mom, this, this,
this isn't working.

1229
00:52:25,930 --> 00:52:27,700
- What isn't working?
- This, this.

1230
00:52:27,700 --> 00:52:29,440
I-I wanted a mellow Christmas

1231
00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:31,410
and you keep fighting me
every step of the way.

1232
00:52:31,410 --> 00:52:34,210
Amy, this is a very important
Christmas for your kids.

1233
00:52:34,210 --> 00:52:35,910
You cannot just phone it in.

1234
00:52:35,910 --> 00:52:38,210
I'm not,
I'm not phoning it in.

1235
00:52:38,210 --> 00:52:41,280
My kids told me that
they wanted a mellow Christmas.

1236
00:52:41,280 --> 00:52:43,450
And I promised them
that I would give it to them.

1237
00:52:43,450 --> 00:52:45,220
Well, of course
they told you that, Amy.

1238
00:52:45,220 --> 00:52:47,620
Because they're telling you what
they think you want to hear.

1239
00:52:47,620 --> 00:52:48,990
But secretly,
they know that I'm right.

1240
00:52:48,990 --> 00:52:51,430
Because you know what?
I just am.

1241
00:52:51,430 --> 00:52:53,060
Okay.

1242
00:52:53,060 --> 00:52:56,500
Ha-ha! You know what?
I'm done fighting this.

1243
00:52:56,500 --> 00:52:58,430
I'm gonna tell you exactly

1244
00:52:58,430 --> 00:53:00,470
how we're doing Christmas
this year.

1245
00:53:00,470 --> 00:53:02,300
The kids and I
are gonna spend

1246
00:53:02,300 --> 00:53:04,000
the entire Christmas Eve day
sledding.

1247
00:53:04,010 --> 00:53:05,440
And then,
we're gonna come home

1248
00:53:05,440 --> 00:53:07,910
bake cookies,
and watch "Love Actually."

1249
00:53:07,910 --> 00:53:10,410
- Dumb movie.
- Then, Christmas morning.

1250
00:53:10,410 --> 00:53:12,780
Only Jessie and his daughter
are gonna come over

1251
00:53:12,780 --> 00:53:15,180
and we're gonna exchange
three gifts.

1252
00:53:15,180 --> 00:53:16,920
Who's Jessie?

1253
00:53:16,920 --> 00:53:18,620
Then we're gonna spend
all day in our pajamas

1254
00:53:18,620 --> 00:53:20,790
until my friends
come over for dinner

1255
00:53:20,790 --> 00:53:23,920
when we are gonna order
Chinese takeout from Mr. Wang's.

1256
00:53:23,930 --> 00:53:25,530
- The horror.
- Ugh!

1257
00:53:25,530 --> 00:53:27,490
There'll be
no show-offy party

1258
00:53:27,500 --> 00:53:30,000
no sushi, no camels.

1259
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:34,870
And definitely, definitely,
no Kenny G.

1260
00:53:34,870 --> 00:53:37,170
Amy, he is the godfather
of smooth jazz.

1261
00:53:37,170 --> 00:53:40,340
Mom, I am done with
your over-the-top Christmases.

1262
00:53:40,340 --> 00:53:42,180
This is my house,
and this is my life.

1263
00:53:42,180 --> 00:53:43,640
And if you want
to come down here

1264
00:53:43,650 --> 00:53:45,950
and be a part
of my family

1265
00:53:45,950 --> 00:53:48,050
then you have to live
by my rules.

1266
00:53:51,790 --> 00:53:53,950
- Okay.
- Really?

1267
00:53:53,960 --> 00:53:55,120
<i>We will do it your way.</i>

1268
00:53:57,030 --> 00:53:59,360
We will have
a <i>mellow</i> Christmas.

1269
00:54:01,030 --> 00:54:03,300
I hope you're happy.

1270
00:54:03,300 --> 00:54:04,400
I don't think you mean that.

1271
00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:06,330
But thank you, I am.

1272
00:54:06,330 --> 00:54:11,340
<i>♪ You can have my
sugar sugar sugar baby ♪</i>

1273
00:54:11,340 --> 00:54:15,910
<i>♪ Wanna give you my
sugar sugar sugar baby ♪</i>

1274
00:54:15,910 --> 00:54:19,050
<i>♪ Wanna give it to you ♪</i>

1275
00:54:20,580 --> 00:54:23,550
<i>♪ If you want me to ♪♪</i>

1276
00:54:26,590 --> 00:54:28,060
And it worked.

1277
00:54:28,060 --> 00:54:29,720
I stood up to her,
and she totally backed down.

1278
00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:32,230
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.

1279
00:54:32,230 --> 00:54:33,390
I actually felt,
for the first time

1280
00:54:33,390 --> 00:54:35,160
my mom looked at me
as an equal.

1281
00:54:35,160 --> 00:54:39,500
Like maybe someday,
somehow, we could be closer.

1282
00:54:39,500 --> 00:54:40,870
Relax, Obama.

1283
00:54:40,870 --> 00:54:43,100
Your mom is still
a colossal bitch.

1284
00:54:43,100 --> 00:54:45,840
Don't let your guard down,
or she's gonna blow up your car.

1285
00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:47,510
- Alright, alright.
- <i>I'm just saying.</i>

1286
00:54:47,510 --> 00:54:49,680
Well, either way,
it was a big step.

1287
00:54:49,680 --> 00:54:52,910
So, I just wanna say thank you
for encouraging me.

1288
00:54:52,910 --> 00:54:56,620
- Aww, we're so proud. Whoo!
- Thank you.

1289
00:54:56,620 --> 00:54:58,790
You know what I think
we should do to celebrate?

1290
00:54:58,790 --> 00:55:00,890
Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses

1291
00:55:00,890 --> 00:55:04,260
take off their clothes!

1292
00:55:04,260 --> 00:55:06,630
<i>♪ Give me the green light ♪</i>

1293
00:55:06,630 --> 00:55:08,130
<i>♪ 'Cause I'm ready to go ♪</i>

1294
00:55:08,130 --> 00:55:11,030
<i>♪ Let's have a good time ♪</i>

1295
00:55:11,030 --> 00:55:12,430
<i>♪ What you waiting for? ♪</i>

1296
00:55:12,430 --> 00:55:15,070
<i>♪ We only got one life ♪</i>

1297
00:55:15,070 --> 00:55:16,400
<i>♪ And we gonna live it up ♪</i>

1298
00:55:16,410 --> 00:55:19,470
Oh, yay!
I love Santa Claus.

1299
00:55:19,470 --> 00:55:22,040
<i>And there's so many of them.</i>

1300
00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:25,140
Guys, I don't wanna make
a big deal of it.

1301
00:55:25,150 --> 00:55:27,750
But, um, I'm kind of
on a first date

1302
00:55:27,750 --> 00:55:28,980
with one of the Santas.

1303
00:55:28,980 --> 00:55:30,420
- Shut up.
- Yeah.

1304
00:55:30,420 --> 00:55:32,750
Wait. Which one?

1305
00:55:32,750 --> 00:55:35,760
Santa number two.

1306
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:38,060
<i>♪ If you know what I mean
I'mma ride that mami ♪</i>

1307
00:55:38,060 --> 00:55:40,060
<i>♪ Yeah I got the key
and I'mma lock that mami... ♪♪</i>

1308
00:55:40,060 --> 00:55:41,230
How'd you guys meet?

1309
00:55:41,230 --> 00:55:42,630
Oh, waxing his balls.

1310
00:55:42,630 --> 00:55:44,630
That is so romantic.

1311
00:55:44,630 --> 00:55:47,430
You learn a lot about a man
when you wax his sack.

1312
00:55:47,440 --> 00:55:50,670
You know, some guys cry.
Some guys act real tough.

1313
00:55:50,670 --> 00:55:55,270
But... But Ty, he was so calm.

1314
00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:59,110
It was almost like waxing
the balls of the Dalai Lama.

1315
00:55:59,110 --> 00:56:00,150
Whoo!

1316
00:56:01,320 --> 00:56:03,650
How you doin' tonight, Chicago?

1317
00:56:05,090 --> 00:56:06,120
<i>Alright.</i>

1318
00:56:06,120 --> 00:56:07,290
Okay, listen, ladies

1319
00:56:07,290 --> 00:56:09,090
I need you guys to tell me

1320
00:56:09,090 --> 00:56:10,790
which one of these Sexy Santas

1321
00:56:10,790 --> 00:56:13,330
<i>is the sexiest of them all?</i>

1322
00:56:13,330 --> 00:56:15,630
<i>Think you're ready? Yeah!</i>

1323
00:56:15,630 --> 00:56:17,200
<i>Okay, well,
let's start this thing off.</i>

1324
00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:19,430
Santa number one,
the bar is yours, sir.

1325
00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:35,180
Oh. That is a lot of white skin.

1326
00:56:41,390 --> 00:56:43,360
<i>Okay, you know what? Alright,
alright, Santa number one.</i>

1327
00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:44,890
The audience has spoken.

1328
00:56:44,890 --> 00:56:46,360
Thank you. Such a good sport.

1329
00:56:46,360 --> 00:56:48,060
Such a good sport.

1330
00:56:48,060 --> 00:56:50,730
Alright. Now.

1331
00:56:50,730 --> 00:56:52,330
Bring it to the stage,
my man

1332
00:56:52,330 --> 00:56:56,070
Santa number two!

1333
00:57:18,430 --> 00:57:21,030
Yeah! Take it off!

1334
00:57:37,450 --> 00:57:40,380
He's, he's really good
at stripping.

1335
00:57:40,380 --> 00:57:43,250
- He has such kind eyes.
- <i>Yeah.</i>

1336
00:57:43,250 --> 00:57:45,190
I'm gonna fuck
his dick off tonight.

1337
00:57:48,720 --> 00:57:52,060
Put a baby in me,
Santa number two!

1338
00:57:53,260 --> 00:57:54,400
Whoo!

1339
00:57:56,130 --> 00:57:58,800
Whoo! I love his panties.
They're so seasonal.

1340
00:58:07,310 --> 00:58:09,080
Oh, my God.

1341
00:58:12,910 --> 00:58:16,050
- I think I'm in love.
- What?

1342
00:58:16,050 --> 00:58:20,220
I honestly think
that he's... the one.

1343
00:58:21,490 --> 00:58:22,590
Is that your mom?

1344
00:58:27,100 --> 00:58:30,160
Wait, holy shit. It is.
Why is... Mom!

1345
00:58:30,160 --> 00:58:32,470
<i>What, what are you doing?</i>

1346
00:58:32,470 --> 00:58:34,070
- Oh, look at that.
- Yeah.

1347
00:58:34,070 --> 00:58:36,170
My mom dances this way
with everybody.

1348
00:58:38,470 --> 00:58:40,810
So, this doesn't bother me
at all.

1349
00:58:43,640 --> 00:58:45,480
Oh, my God.
His face is in her tits.

1350
00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:47,910
Wait. Mom.
Mom, no motorboating!

1351
00:58:47,920 --> 00:58:49,480
- We talked about this.
- Alright.

1352
00:58:49,490 --> 00:58:51,080
- It's about to get weird.
- It's game time.

1353
00:58:51,090 --> 00:58:52,850
- Oh, you look great!
- That's my mom.

1354
00:58:52,850 --> 00:58:54,290
- That's your mom?
- Yeah, that's my mom.

1355
00:58:54,290 --> 00:58:56,090
- Your mom?
- Yeah.

1356
00:58:56,090 --> 00:58:58,520
Oh, my God, it's a pleasure.
You have such a lovely daughter.

1357
00:58:58,530 --> 00:58:59,630
I know.

1358
00:59:03,500 --> 00:59:05,160
You should never have to watch

1359
00:59:05,170 --> 00:59:07,500
your mom lick
your boyfriend's nipples.

1360
00:59:07,500 --> 00:59:09,540
- No.
- Mom!

1361
00:59:09,540 --> 00:59:11,940
What are you doing?

1362
00:59:11,940 --> 00:59:13,970
- Whoa.
- Oh, my God.

1363
00:59:15,280 --> 00:59:17,040
Mom!

1364
00:59:21,380 --> 00:59:23,820
Not one person caught me.
That was amazing.

1365
00:59:23,820 --> 00:59:26,720
Every time they jump into
the crowd, someone usually...

1366
00:59:26,720 --> 00:59:28,350
- Hi.
- Oh.

1367
00:59:28,360 --> 00:59:30,390
- Hi. Hey.
- Here you are.

1368
00:59:30,390 --> 00:59:33,530
I, uh... Bag of ice for you.

1369
00:59:33,530 --> 00:59:35,470
- <i>Oh.</i>
- Thank you, Ty.

1370
00:59:36,060 --> 00:59:37,060
Um...

1371
00:59:38,630 --> 00:59:40,200
So, about tonight, um, you know

1372
00:59:40,200 --> 00:59:42,140
we were gonna hang out
after the show.

1373
00:59:42,140 --> 00:59:43,970
And, uh, I mean,
I was looking forward to it.

1374
00:59:43,970 --> 00:59:45,710
I was wondering if, uh...

1375
00:59:45,710 --> 00:59:47,070
If you're still up for it,
you know?

1376
00:59:47,080 --> 00:59:49,340
- Oh, Ty.
- Yeah.

1377
00:59:49,340 --> 00:59:50,340
Um...

1378
00:59:52,150 --> 00:59:54,150
- I would love to.
- Good.

1379
00:59:54,150 --> 00:59:55,180
But, um...

1380
00:59:55,180 --> 00:59:56,720
You know, I think this is

1381
00:59:56,720 --> 00:59:58,720
my mom's third concussion
this month and I'm just...

1382
00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:01,520
Wow, that's
a lot of concussions.

1383
01:00:01,520 --> 01:00:04,360
Better stay with her
for observation.

1384
01:00:04,360 --> 01:00:05,360
Yeah.

1385
01:00:06,930 --> 01:00:08,260
Well, um...

1386
01:00:09,830 --> 01:00:12,000
I gotta get back
to Cleveland tomorrow.

1387
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:14,870
- Right.
- But, uh...

1388
01:00:14,870 --> 01:00:16,870
Think I could give you a call
next time I come into town?

1389
01:00:16,870 --> 01:00:19,170
Would that...
that interest you at all?

1390
01:00:19,170 --> 01:00:20,240
Could I do that?

1391
01:00:20,240 --> 01:00:21,270
- Please.
- Yeah?

1392
01:00:21,280 --> 01:00:22,710
- Yes.
- Great.

1393
01:00:22,710 --> 01:00:25,540
I'd, I'd wax your balls
for free.

1394
01:00:25,550 --> 01:00:28,080
That is so sweet.

1395
01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:30,450
Well, I would really
love that, Carla.

1396
01:00:32,050 --> 01:00:33,950
And so would my balls.

1397
01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:36,860
Well. Consider it done.

1398
01:00:36,860 --> 01:00:37,860
And, uh...

1399
01:00:39,790 --> 01:00:41,260
Oh.

1400
01:00:41,260 --> 01:00:42,970
Sorry, I thought
you wanted to...

1401
01:00:44,930 --> 01:00:47,370
Merry Christmas, Carla.

1402
01:00:47,370 --> 01:00:48,700
Merry Christmas, Ty.

1403
01:00:53,580 --> 01:00:57,110
<i>♪ Bells will be ringing ♪</i>

1404
01:00:57,110 --> 01:01:01,410
<i>♪ The glad glad news ♪</i>

1405
01:01:01,420 --> 01:01:05,820
<i>♪ Oh what a Christmas ♪</i>

1406
01:01:05,820 --> 01:01:09,920
<i>♪ You have the blues ♪</i>

1407
01:01:09,930 --> 01:01:13,590
<i>♪ My baby's gone ♪</i>

1408
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:17,900
<i>♪ I have no friends ♪</i>

1409
01:01:17,900 --> 01:01:21,300
<i>♪ To wish me greetings ♪</i>

1410
01:01:21,300 --> 01:01:22,740
<i>♪ Mm ♪</i>

1411
01:01:22,740 --> 01:01:25,270
<i>♪ Once again ♪♪</i>

1412
01:01:27,240 --> 01:01:30,640
Okay, time for bed,
my darlings.

1413
01:01:30,650 --> 01:01:32,810
Tonight, I am
going to sing you

1414
01:01:32,810 --> 01:01:34,680
"My Heart Will Go On"

1415
01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:38,450
by seven-time Grammy winner,
Celine Dion.

1416
01:01:38,450 --> 01:01:39,450
Mm-hm?

1417
01:01:42,160 --> 01:01:43,530
What's the matter?

1418
01:01:45,590 --> 01:01:47,460
Is everything okay
with you and mom?

1419
01:01:47,460 --> 01:01:49,630
Yeah, you guys
have been fighting a lot.

1420
01:01:49,630 --> 01:01:52,170
Come here and sit by me.
Both of you, come here.

1421
01:01:54,540 --> 01:01:58,600
Now, your mother and I just
have a few tiny disagreements

1422
01:01:58,610 --> 01:02:00,140
about the importance
of Christmas

1423
01:02:00,140 --> 01:02:01,810
and what it means to be a mother

1424
01:02:01,810 --> 01:02:04,310
and the sanctity of marriage
and how best to raise children.

1425
01:02:04,310 --> 01:02:06,650
But otherwise,
everything is fine.

1426
01:02:06,650 --> 01:02:10,550
There's no reason
to worry, okay?

1427
01:02:10,550 --> 01:02:13,650
Look, I know
this is your first Christmas

1428
01:02:13,660 --> 01:02:15,520
since your parents got divorced.

1429
01:02:15,520 --> 01:02:17,890
And it's probably a little
strange for you. Am I right?

1430
01:02:17,890 --> 01:02:19,530
- Yeah.
- Yeah. It really is.

1431
01:02:19,530 --> 01:02:21,390
Well, first of all

1432
01:02:21,400 --> 01:02:24,830
both of your parents
still love you so very much.

1433
01:02:24,830 --> 01:02:27,570
And no matter what happens

1434
01:02:27,570 --> 01:02:30,840
I will always be there for you.

1435
01:02:30,840 --> 01:02:32,570
Always.

1436
01:02:32,570 --> 01:02:35,480
Because you're my grandkids,
and I love you

1437
01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:37,840
more than anything
in the whole world.

1438
01:02:37,850 --> 01:02:39,980
And so does Grandpa Hank.

1439
01:02:39,980 --> 01:02:41,680
I know his brain
is the size of a walnut

1440
01:02:41,680 --> 01:02:43,590
but you know,
his heart is enormous.

1441
01:02:47,020 --> 01:02:49,760
- Okay? Feel better?
- Yeah.

1442
01:02:49,760 --> 01:02:51,590
It's really nice
having you here, grandma.

1443
01:02:51,590 --> 01:02:54,260
- Yeah. We really miss you.
- Yeah.

1444
01:02:54,260 --> 01:02:57,530
Oh, I miss you, too.

1445
01:02:57,530 --> 01:03:01,230
Grandkids, they really are
the greatest gift.

1446
01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:04,940
Speaking of gifts,
have some iPhones.

1447
01:03:04,940 --> 01:03:06,740
- Nice.
- No way.

1448
01:03:06,740 --> 01:03:08,680
Now, get ready for bed.

1449
01:03:08,680 --> 01:03:11,950
And I will come back
and sing to you for hours.

1450
01:03:17,750 --> 01:03:20,290
I can't believe people fall
for this shit. It's so stupid.

1451
01:03:20,290 --> 01:03:22,190
<i>- Yeah, I know.
- Oh wait, here comes somebody.</i>

1452
01:03:22,190 --> 01:03:24,060
- Merry Christmas!
- Oh, Merry Christmas.

1453
01:03:24,060 --> 01:03:25,190
Ho, ho, hold on.

1454
01:03:25,190 --> 01:03:26,890
Hey, would you like to,
uh, donate

1455
01:03:26,890 --> 01:03:30,300
your canned goods to our
Christmas Canned Food Drive?

1456
01:03:30,300 --> 01:03:32,800
Oh, um, I sort of just
bought all this.

1457
01:03:32,800 --> 01:03:36,270
- Bingo. She's got cans.
- Oh!

1458
01:03:36,270 --> 01:03:38,940
Oh, mom, look, look, look.
She's got wine.

1459
01:03:38,940 --> 01:03:41,270
Thank you very much
for a very generous donation

1460
01:03:41,280 --> 01:03:43,110
to the "Canned Christmas
Food Drive."

1461
01:03:43,110 --> 01:03:44,950
The children are
gonna be so happy.

1462
01:03:45,910 --> 01:03:47,710
Yes!

1463
01:03:47,720 --> 01:03:50,450
- That was a good haul, mom.
- Yeah, she had some good shit.

1464
01:03:50,450 --> 01:03:53,250
You know...
ripping off rich people

1465
01:03:53,250 --> 01:03:55,790
in front of the supermarket
with you is...

1466
01:03:55,790 --> 01:03:58,760
bringing back a lotta happy
Christmas memories for me.

1467
01:03:58,760 --> 01:04:01,460
Yeah. Me too, babe.

1468
01:04:01,460 --> 01:04:03,630
I miss you, you know?

1469
01:04:03,630 --> 01:04:05,330
I miss you, too.

1470
01:04:05,330 --> 01:04:08,070
It's so weird.

1471
01:04:08,070 --> 01:04:12,240
Yeah. Maybe we should...
spend more time together?

1472
01:04:13,610 --> 01:04:15,940
Do you mean that?

1473
01:04:15,940 --> 01:04:17,410
Yeah.

1474
01:04:17,410 --> 01:04:18,680
You know, when we were
at the bouncy place

1475
01:04:18,680 --> 01:04:21,480
with, um... what's his name?

1476
01:04:21,480 --> 01:04:23,780
- Oh, my son, Jaxon?
- Yeah, him.

1477
01:04:23,790 --> 01:04:26,150
Um, I was watching you two
and you were beating the shit

1478
01:04:26,150 --> 01:04:28,120
out of each other
with those sticks, and I thought

1479
01:04:28,120 --> 01:04:30,820
"You know, maybe I should have a
relationship with my grandson."

1480
01:04:30,830 --> 01:04:34,360
Well, we'd, um,
we'd love to see you more.

1481
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:38,030
Yeah. Okay.

1482
01:04:38,030 --> 01:04:39,830
You know, uh...

1483
01:04:39,830 --> 01:04:41,200
I've been doing
a lot of thinking

1484
01:04:41,200 --> 01:04:43,170
about the money
you asked me for, mom, and...

1485
01:04:43,170 --> 01:04:45,540
Um, I'm such an idiot.

1486
01:04:45,540 --> 01:04:49,310
But it's Christmas
and you're my mom and...

1487
01:04:50,810 --> 01:04:53,710
Eh, fuck it. Here.
It's a loan. It's a loan.

1488
01:04:53,720 --> 01:04:55,310
I mean, this is not everything
you asked for, but...

1489
01:04:55,320 --> 01:04:57,820
- Oh, no, that's great!
- Basically all I have.

1490
01:04:57,820 --> 01:04:59,480
Thank you so much.
This is a loan.

1491
01:04:59,490 --> 01:05:01,220
I will pay you back, I swear.

1492
01:05:01,220 --> 01:05:02,620
I really have
my shit together now.

1493
01:05:02,620 --> 01:05:04,390
Thanks. Whoa!

1494
01:05:04,390 --> 01:05:06,630
Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas!

1495
01:05:06,630 --> 01:05:08,460
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!

1496
01:05:08,460 --> 01:05:11,900
Would you like to donate your
cans to our Canned Food Drive?

1497
01:05:11,900 --> 01:05:14,870
We're collecting
for a drive for the homeless.

1498
01:05:14,870 --> 01:05:17,900
- Yikes. I just bought all this.
- And the canned goods.

1499
01:05:17,910 --> 01:05:19,970
- You know, this is important.
- The fuck is this?

1500
01:05:19,970 --> 01:05:21,810
Uh, that's fennel.

1501
01:05:21,810 --> 01:05:23,380
- Oh, fuck it.
- So happy.

1502
01:05:23,380 --> 01:05:25,250
Thank you so much.

1503
01:05:25,250 --> 01:05:28,980
Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's
coming. Code red, code red.

1504
01:05:28,980 --> 01:05:30,350
Go, go, go. Mom!
Where did we park?

1505
01:05:30,350 --> 01:05:32,080
- Where did we park?
- Happy Hanukkah.

1506
01:05:32,090 --> 01:05:33,320
- Where did we park?
- <i>Go, go, go, go.</i>

1507
01:05:33,320 --> 01:05:35,890
They just totally stole
all my shit.

1508
01:05:35,890 --> 01:05:37,390
Taking this, though.
This is cute, right?

1509
01:05:37,390 --> 01:05:38,520
<i>Yeah, yeah.</i>

1510
01:05:38,530 --> 01:05:40,160
<i>Okay, guys.</i>

1511
01:05:40,160 --> 01:05:42,030
So since it's Christmas Eve,
everybody gets to open

1512
01:05:42,030 --> 01:05:43,530
one present, okay?

1513
01:05:43,530 --> 01:05:46,230
Oh! Kiki. Hey, Kiki, Kiki.
Open mine.

1514
01:05:46,230 --> 01:05:48,230
Please open mine first.
Please.

1515
01:05:48,240 --> 01:05:51,040
- I'll go first. I guess.
- Okay.

1516
01:05:53,340 --> 01:05:54,540
What's this?

1517
01:05:54,540 --> 01:05:57,280
It is a key

1518
01:05:57,280 --> 01:06:00,080
to my new house!

1519
01:06:00,080 --> 01:06:01,950
What are you talking about?

1520
01:06:01,950 --> 01:06:03,750
Well, after our therapy session

1521
01:06:03,750 --> 01:06:05,220
I felt like
we were drifting apart.

1522
01:06:05,220 --> 01:06:08,850
So I decided to move
closer to you guys.

1523
01:06:08,860 --> 01:06:11,890
Oh. Okay. Uh,
where are you moving to?

1524
01:06:11,890 --> 01:06:13,460
Right next door!

1525
01:06:13,460 --> 01:06:16,100
- Jesus.
- What?

1526
01:06:16,100 --> 01:06:18,060
You're moving, um,
next door to me?

1527
01:06:18,070 --> 01:06:19,900
Yeah, the house
wasn't on the market.

1528
01:06:19,900 --> 01:06:22,140
So I checked it out on Zillow
and I made an all-cash offer.

1529
01:06:22,140 --> 01:06:24,400
And then, boom.
Howdy, neighbor.

1530
01:06:24,410 --> 01:06:27,110
- Howdy, neighbor.
- Oh, my God.

1531
01:06:27,110 --> 01:06:30,480
We can dig a tunnel
between the houses. Keeks!

1532
01:06:30,480 --> 01:06:32,250
Oh, Keeks.

1533
01:06:33,480 --> 01:06:35,050
Kent, get the kids out of here.

1534
01:06:35,050 --> 01:06:37,780
Mm-hm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys.
Let's get outta here.

1535
01:06:37,790 --> 01:06:39,320
Mommy and grandma gotta talk.
Come on, buddy.

1536
01:06:39,320 --> 01:06:41,150
This is gonna get ugly.

1537
01:06:41,160 --> 01:06:42,420
- Mom. Mom.
- What? What?

1538
01:06:42,420 --> 01:06:43,990
You can't live next door to me.

1539
01:06:43,990 --> 01:06:46,790
- Why, why not?
- Because I need space.

1540
01:06:46,790 --> 01:06:49,160
And t-that,
that is too close.

1541
01:06:50,930 --> 01:06:54,500
- I have diabetes.
- Mom, stop.

1542
01:06:54,500 --> 01:06:56,100
- Sit down. Sit down.
- Kiki. Kiki.

1543
01:06:56,100 --> 01:06:57,270
- Sit.
- Kiki.

1544
01:06:57,270 --> 01:06:58,740
- I've got strep throat.
- Mom.

1545
01:06:58,740 --> 01:07:00,170
- I might have gallstones...
- No.

1546
01:07:00,180 --> 01:07:02,010
- And really, Kiki, this is...
- Enough.

1547
01:07:02,010 --> 01:07:04,510
We need to have
this conversation.

1548
01:07:04,510 --> 01:07:07,610
I am a grown woman
who needs a life

1549
01:07:07,620 --> 01:07:10,020
that is separate from yours,
and I need you

1550
01:07:10,020 --> 01:07:12,850
to have a life
that's separate from mine.

1551
01:07:12,850 --> 01:07:14,790
I'm sorry.

1552
01:07:14,790 --> 01:07:17,260
Kiki, I don't want a life
separate from yours.

1553
01:07:17,260 --> 01:07:18,690
You're my favorite person
in the whole world.

1554
01:07:18,690 --> 01:07:20,290
I know, but, mom,
this is starting

1555
01:07:20,290 --> 01:07:21,630
to affect my marriage.

1556
01:07:21,630 --> 01:07:23,300
- What?
- And my family.

1557
01:07:23,300 --> 01:07:24,860
- Oh.
- And my sanity.

1558
01:07:24,870 --> 01:07:27,200
And I just,
I need you to...

1559
01:07:27,200 --> 01:07:30,310
To, to just let me go
a little bit.

1560
01:07:32,310 --> 01:07:35,140
Well, what am I supposed
to do with myself?

1561
01:07:35,140 --> 01:07:37,780
I don't know, mom! Anything!
Make some friends!

1562
01:07:37,780 --> 01:07:39,540
You're always saying
you wanna go to Vegas

1563
01:07:39,550 --> 01:07:41,980
to see Wayne Newton
before he dies.

1564
01:07:41,980 --> 01:07:43,950
Do that! Anything!

1565
01:07:43,950 --> 01:07:46,120
As long as it's without me!

1566
01:07:49,020 --> 01:07:50,030
Without you?

1567
01:07:52,790 --> 01:07:54,900
Why are you doing this
to me, Kiki?

1568
01:07:56,330 --> 01:07:58,400
I didn't... Mom.

1569
01:07:58,400 --> 01:08:01,900
And I really don't think
I can return that house!

1570
01:08:10,540 --> 01:08:12,480
<i>- Whoo!
- Hey.</i>

1571
01:08:12,480 --> 01:08:14,350
- How fun was that sledding?
- Oh, that was fun.

1572
01:08:14,350 --> 01:08:16,720
There is still an alarming
amount of snow

1573
01:08:16,720 --> 01:08:18,180
in my pants, I gotta say.

1574
01:08:18,190 --> 01:08:19,650
Oh, I can't wait to go home

1575
01:08:19,650 --> 01:08:22,060
throw on some jammies,
get comfy.

1576
01:08:22,060 --> 01:08:25,520
I know. It's gonna be... Oh,
look, someone's having a party.

1577
01:08:25,530 --> 01:08:27,990
Yeah, they are.

1578
01:08:28,000 --> 01:08:30,230
<i>- Wow, that's a lot of people.
- A lot of people.</i>

1579
01:08:30,230 --> 01:08:31,760
<i>Wait.</i>

1580
01:08:31,770 --> 01:08:33,500
You're having a party.

1581
01:08:34,570 --> 01:08:36,500
Um, is that a camel?

1582
01:08:38,540 --> 01:08:40,440
Yup, that's a camel.

1583
01:08:42,710 --> 01:08:44,680
I'm gonna kill her.

1584
01:08:53,720 --> 01:08:55,620
What the fuck?

1585
01:09:01,130 --> 01:09:03,800
What did she do to my house?

1586
01:09:04,870 --> 01:09:05,870
No!

1587
01:09:06,970 --> 01:09:08,100
<i>Gomenasai.</i>

1588
01:09:20,250 --> 01:09:23,050
Kenny G's in my den.

1589
01:09:28,720 --> 01:09:29,830
Mom.

1590
01:09:31,090 --> 01:09:33,000
You lied to me.

1591
01:09:34,430 --> 01:09:36,290
I did what was best
for the family.

1592
01:09:36,300 --> 01:09:39,070
Mom, everything that is wrong
with Christmas is in this room

1593
01:09:39,070 --> 01:09:40,430
and I want it all gone.

1594
01:09:40,430 --> 01:09:42,170
Amy, don't be ridiculous.

1595
01:09:42,170 --> 01:09:44,440
You can't kick Kenny G
out of the house.

1596
01:09:44,440 --> 01:09:45,770
He's a national treasure.

1597
01:09:45,770 --> 01:09:47,670
If you won't do it,
then I will.

1598
01:09:47,670 --> 01:09:49,310
You wouldn't dare.

1599
01:09:49,310 --> 01:09:51,250
Oh. Watch me.

1600
01:09:54,450 --> 01:09:57,480
Yo! I need you
to leave my house.

1601
01:09:57,490 --> 01:09:58,650
What are you talking about?

1602
01:09:58,650 --> 01:10:00,920
Get the fuck out, Kenny G.

1603
01:10:00,920 --> 01:10:02,290
- I'm still getting paid, right?
- I don't know!

1604
01:10:02,290 --> 01:10:04,760
Take your little flute and shoo!
Shoo, fly.

1605
01:10:04,760 --> 01:10:06,860
- Go make another album.
- It's not a flute, bitch.

1606
01:10:06,860 --> 01:10:09,530
Don't care. Thank you so much.
Thank you. You can go now.

1607
01:10:09,530 --> 01:10:11,500
Please. You can leave.
Thank you so much for coming.

1608
01:10:11,500 --> 01:10:12,930
Thank you very much.
You too, my friend.

1609
01:10:12,930 --> 01:10:14,970
<i>Please. No, no. Please exit.</i>

1610
01:10:14,970 --> 01:10:18,170
I don't know any of you.
Please leave my house.

1611
01:10:18,170 --> 01:10:21,010
Farewell, see you later.
Sushi chef, you gotta go.

1612
01:10:21,010 --> 01:10:22,370
We're done.
You can take that plate.

1613
01:10:22,380 --> 01:10:25,210
Amy, stop!
You're embarrassing the family.

1614
01:10:27,180 --> 01:10:29,450
Oh, my God. That's what
this is about, isn't it?

1615
01:10:29,450 --> 01:10:30,980
This finally makes sense.

1616
01:10:30,990 --> 01:10:33,150
The, the perfect decorations,
the perfect tree

1617
01:10:33,150 --> 01:10:35,290
whatever the hell
that thing is in my front yard.

1618
01:10:35,290 --> 01:10:38,220
You didn't do this for the kids!
You did this for you!

1619
01:10:38,230 --> 01:10:39,890
All you care about
is for people to go

1620
01:10:39,890 --> 01:10:41,730
"Oh, Ruth.
You're so amazing."

1621
01:10:41,730 --> 01:10:43,460
I have no idea
what you're talking about.

1622
01:10:43,460 --> 01:10:45,000
Please don't leave
without taking

1623
01:10:45,000 --> 01:10:47,130
your Louis Vuitton swag bag.

1624
01:10:47,130 --> 01:10:48,800
Oh, God. Oh, God. Please.

1625
01:10:48,800 --> 01:10:50,800
Th-this has got to all go.
A-all of this has got to go.

1626
01:10:50,800 --> 01:10:53,070
Th-the swag bags,
th-the weird curtains

1627
01:10:53,070 --> 01:10:54,670
the floor, the tree.

1628
01:10:54,680 --> 01:10:57,240
Oh, God, the tree
has got to go.

1629
01:10:57,250 --> 01:10:59,540
No, not my tree!
It's from Paris!

1630
01:10:59,550 --> 01:11:01,810
- Watch me.
- No!

1631
01:11:01,820 --> 01:11:03,350
No!

1632
01:11:03,350 --> 01:11:05,220
Say goodbye to your tree,
mother!

1633
01:11:05,220 --> 01:11:08,420
- That's an antique!
- It's a hideous tree, mother!

1634
01:11:08,420 --> 01:11:10,860
- <i>You have no idea!</i>
- It's not even real snow!

1635
01:11:10,860 --> 01:11:12,820
How dare you! You know
how much that thing costs?

1636
01:11:12,830 --> 01:11:14,690
I don't care! Let go!

1637
01:11:14,700 --> 01:11:17,360
Let go! Let go!

1638
01:11:17,370 --> 01:11:19,830
Those were from the "Titanic!"

1639
01:11:19,830 --> 01:11:21,170
I don't care!

1640
01:11:24,270 --> 01:11:25,870
That ice was from the moon!

1641
01:11:25,870 --> 01:11:28,170
It was moon ice,
you nasty bitch!

1642
01:11:28,180 --> 01:11:30,510
Let go of the stupid tree!

1643
01:11:30,510 --> 01:11:32,580
Let go!

1644
01:11:32,580 --> 01:11:33,950
Listen, mom!

1645
01:11:33,950 --> 01:11:35,350
I promised my kids

1646
01:11:35,350 --> 01:11:36,950
I wouldn't do Christmas
like this!

1647
01:11:36,950 --> 01:11:39,280
Everybody loves
a Christmas like this!

1648
01:11:39,290 --> 01:11:40,950
It's fucking spectacular!

1649
01:11:40,960 --> 01:11:42,720
No, they don't!

1650
01:11:53,930 --> 01:11:55,470
Holy shit.

1651
01:11:56,700 --> 01:11:59,140
- I need you to get out.
- Amy.

1652
01:11:59,140 --> 01:12:00,470
I've been putting up
with your shit

1653
01:12:00,470 --> 01:12:02,810
my entire life.

1654
01:12:02,810 --> 01:12:04,380
I can't do it anymore.

1655
01:12:04,380 --> 01:12:06,540
I just... I can't.

1656
01:12:06,550 --> 01:12:07,950
I need you out of my house

1657
01:12:07,950 --> 01:12:09,950
and I need you
out of my life for good.

1658
01:12:09,950 --> 01:12:13,720
- You don't mean that.
- I really, really do.

1659
01:12:17,130 --> 01:12:19,460
- Amy, it's Christmas.
- Mother, get out!

1660
01:12:43,790 --> 01:12:45,920
Did you just kick out
grandma forever?

1661
01:12:47,460 --> 01:12:49,190
Guys, how long
have you been standing here?

1662
01:12:49,190 --> 01:12:51,020
How could you do this to us?

1663
01:12:51,020 --> 01:12:53,360
Guys, would you please just
trust me that it's for the best?

1664
01:12:53,360 --> 01:12:55,990
No, it's not!
It's the best for you.

1665
01:12:56,000 --> 01:12:57,630
We actually love grandma.

1666
01:12:57,630 --> 01:13:00,370
Yeah, she's a part of our
family, and we love her.

1667
01:13:00,370 --> 01:13:02,530
Yo-you don't just
kick someone out.

1668
01:13:02,540 --> 01:13:05,670
First, you kick dad out.
Now, you kick grandma out.

1669
01:13:05,670 --> 01:13:07,940
Who's next?
Are you gonna kick us out?

1670
01:13:07,940 --> 01:13:11,110
What, honey, no, of course not.
I would never do that.

1671
01:13:11,110 --> 01:13:13,680
Why do you always have
to screw everything up?

1672
01:13:15,280 --> 01:13:16,780
Honey...

1673
01:13:16,780 --> 01:13:17,790
Nice goin'.

1674
01:13:19,950 --> 01:13:20,950
Guys.

1675
01:13:22,160 --> 01:13:23,160
<i>Guys...</i>

1676
01:13:32,200 --> 01:13:34,730
<i>So that's how it happened.</i>

1677
01:13:34,740 --> 01:13:37,870
<i>That's how I ruined Christmas.</i>

1678
01:13:37,870 --> 01:13:39,970
<i>I got so wrapped up
in fighting with my mom</i>

1679
01:13:39,970 --> 01:13:41,640
<i>that I lost sight
of the only thing</i>

1680
01:13:41,640 --> 01:13:44,180
<i>that actually matters.</i>

1681
01:13:44,180 --> 01:13:46,080
<i>I lost sight of my kids.</i>

1682
01:13:47,080 --> 01:13:49,550
<i>And what's worse is...</i>

1683
01:13:49,550 --> 01:13:51,820
<i>I didn't just ruin Christmas.</i>

1684
01:13:51,820 --> 01:13:54,490
<i>I ruined my family.</i>

1685
01:13:56,390 --> 01:14:00,430
<i>♪ Forget what
Father Brennan said ♪</i>

1686
01:14:00,430 --> 01:14:03,900
<i>♪ We were not born in sin ♪</i>

1687
01:14:03,900 --> 01:14:07,600
<i>♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪</i>

1688
01:14:07,600 --> 01:14:09,440
Mom?

1689
01:14:09,440 --> 01:14:11,240
It's Christmas Eve.

1690
01:14:11,240 --> 01:14:13,170
Where do you wanna get takeout?

1691
01:14:15,580 --> 01:14:18,380
Mom? Mom?

1692
01:14:35,560 --> 01:14:39,270
<i>♪ Pack yourself
a toothbrush dear ♪</i>

1693
01:14:39,270 --> 01:14:42,640
<i>♪ Pack yourself
a favorite blouse ♪</i>

1694
01:14:42,640 --> 01:14:46,400
<i>♪ Take a withdrawal slip ♪</i>

1695
01:14:46,410 --> 01:14:49,710
<i>♪ Take all
of your savings out ♪</i>

1696
01:14:49,710 --> 01:14:53,450
<i>♪ 'Cause if we don't
leave this town ♪</i>

1697
01:14:53,450 --> 01:14:56,790
<i>♪ We might never make it out ♪</i>

1698
01:15:11,470 --> 01:15:15,570
<i>♪ Forget what
Father Brennan said ♪</i>

1699
01:15:15,570 --> 01:15:19,070
<i>♪ We were not born in sin ♪</i>

1700
01:15:19,070 --> 01:15:22,570
<i>♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪</i>

1701
01:15:22,580 --> 01:15:26,150
<i>♪ Let your mother know
you're safe ♪</i>

1702
01:15:26,150 --> 01:15:29,520
<i>♪ And by the time she wakes ♪</i>

1703
01:15:29,520 --> 01:15:33,190
<i>♪ We'll have driven
through the state ♪</i>

1704
01:15:33,190 --> 01:15:36,420
<i>♪ We'll have driven
through the night ♪</i>

1705
01:15:36,420 --> 01:15:38,620
<i>♪ Baby come on ♪♪</i>

1706
01:15:38,630 --> 01:15:39,630
Hey.

1707
01:15:40,830 --> 01:15:43,330
Oh, hello.

1708
01:15:43,330 --> 01:15:47,100
Thank you again for
inviting me to your church.

1709
01:15:47,100 --> 01:15:49,170
I really didn't.

1710
01:15:49,170 --> 01:15:55,170
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪

1711
01:15:55,180 --> 01:15:56,840
What's up, bitches?

1712
01:15:56,840 --> 01:15:59,010
Oh, my gosh, it's Isis.

1713
01:15:59,010 --> 01:16:00,450
Isis is here.

1714
01:16:00,450 --> 01:16:03,050
- Hi, Isis.
- Hey.

1715
01:16:03,050 --> 01:16:04,680
Well, I must say,
I didn't expect you

1716
01:16:04,680 --> 01:16:06,650
to be the church-going type.

1717
01:16:06,650 --> 01:16:09,990
Well, I'm,
I'm workin' out some shit.

1718
01:16:09,990 --> 01:16:11,890
Plus, all the bars are closed.

1719
01:16:14,660 --> 01:16:17,400
Oh, you guys.

1720
01:16:17,400 --> 01:16:20,740
I could really use some
churchin' tonight.

1721
01:16:22,570 --> 01:16:24,500
You know what I mean?

1722
01:16:24,510 --> 01:16:26,400
- No.
- Nope?

1723
01:16:26,410 --> 01:16:30,410
Well, today my daughter told me
she needed "More space."

1724
01:16:30,410 --> 01:16:32,380
I don't even know
what that's supposed to mean.

1725
01:16:32,380 --> 01:16:34,010
Yeah, well,
my daughter just kicked me

1726
01:16:34,010 --> 01:16:35,410
out of her life forever.

1727
01:16:36,480 --> 01:16:38,220
Why?

1728
01:16:38,220 --> 01:16:39,920
Because I push her
to be the best

1729
01:16:39,920 --> 01:16:42,020
and she can't handle it.

1730
01:16:42,020 --> 01:16:43,760
Of course, my mother
pushed me twice as hard

1731
01:16:43,760 --> 01:16:45,890
and I turned out amazing.

1732
01:16:45,890 --> 01:16:50,330
But I guess not everyone
is as incredibly strong as I am.

1733
01:16:50,330 --> 01:16:53,330
Well, my daughter didn't kick me
out of the house or anything.

1734
01:16:53,330 --> 01:16:55,500
But you would not believe
how mad she got

1735
01:16:55,500 --> 01:16:57,540
when I told her I bought
the house next to hers.

1736
01:16:57,540 --> 01:17:00,170
What? You bought the house
next to your daughter?

1737
01:17:00,170 --> 01:17:03,040
- Yeah, I did.
- Did you ask her first?

1738
01:17:03,040 --> 01:17:05,740
No, I wanted it
to be a surprise.

1739
01:17:05,750 --> 01:17:07,880
Yeah, that might be a bit much.

1740
01:17:07,880 --> 01:17:10,550
Dude, that is fucking psycho.

1741
01:17:10,550 --> 01:17:12,220
Well, at least
I love my daughter.

1742
01:17:12,220 --> 01:17:14,550
You only visit Carla
when you need money.

1743
01:17:14,550 --> 01:17:15,690
Uh, no, that is not true.

1744
01:17:15,690 --> 01:17:17,220
I visit her on other occasions

1745
01:17:17,220 --> 01:17:20,090
like when I'm hiding
from someone.

1746
01:17:20,090 --> 01:17:22,030
Oh, just admit it, Isis.

1747
01:17:22,030 --> 01:17:23,560
You're a degenerate gambler

1748
01:17:23,560 --> 01:17:24,860
with a third-grade education

1749
01:17:24,870 --> 01:17:26,030
and a cheap weave.

1750
01:17:26,030 --> 01:17:28,370
This is my own hair, okay?

1751
01:17:28,370 --> 01:17:29,900
And you're a terrible mother.

1752
01:17:29,900 --> 01:17:33,040
- Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday.
- <i>No, I'm serious.</i>

1753
01:17:33,040 --> 01:17:35,140
You think that
you are so perfect.

1754
01:17:35,140 --> 01:17:37,710
But you are the worst mom
of all of us.

1755
01:17:37,710 --> 01:17:39,540
- Well, I don't know...
- Okay, okay.

1756
01:17:39,550 --> 01:17:41,550
Second worst, whatever.
But the point is

1757
01:17:41,550 --> 01:17:45,720
that you're one of those moms
that you, you dress so perfectly

1758
01:17:45,720 --> 01:17:49,590
and you give fancy parties,
and you know how to cook food.

1759
01:17:49,590 --> 01:17:51,760
And, and you have
all your own teeth.

1760
01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:53,090
But you know what? You suck.

1761
01:17:53,090 --> 01:17:55,760
You suck at all the shit
that really matters.

1762
01:17:55,760 --> 01:17:58,330
And I even can see it,
and I'm stoned all the time.

1763
01:17:58,330 --> 01:17:59,730
Please, you don't know
the first thing about me.

1764
01:17:59,730 --> 01:18:01,070
Well, if you're
such an awesome mom

1765
01:18:01,070 --> 01:18:02,270
why did your daughter
kick you out

1766
01:18:02,270 --> 01:18:03,570
of her life forever?

1767
01:18:03,570 --> 01:18:05,270
In your face.

1768
01:18:05,270 --> 01:18:06,640
And you know what,
I have done horrible stuff

1769
01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:08,610
to my daughter,
really horrible shit.

1770
01:18:08,610 --> 01:18:11,810
And she has never
kicked me out. Never.

1771
01:18:11,810 --> 01:18:14,450
So you just take that
and you roll it up real tight

1772
01:18:14,450 --> 01:18:17,420
and you shove it up your ass.

1773
01:18:17,420 --> 01:18:19,920
<i>Okay.</i>

1774
01:18:19,920 --> 01:18:24,120
We've all shared some very
powerful feelings tonight.

1775
01:18:24,130 --> 01:18:25,490
Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy.

1776
01:18:25,490 --> 01:18:26,490
You bet.

1777
01:18:43,680 --> 01:18:45,940
- Hey.
- Hey.

1778
01:18:45,950 --> 01:18:48,280
Well, I heard what happened.

1779
01:18:48,280 --> 01:18:49,550
<i>Hmm.</i>

1780
01:18:51,380 --> 01:18:52,720
You doin' okay?

1781
01:18:55,120 --> 01:18:56,460
I don't know.

1782
01:18:59,530 --> 01:19:00,960
Can I ask you something?

1783
01:19:00,960 --> 01:19:02,360
Sure.

1784
01:19:02,360 --> 01:19:04,400
How do you take it?

1785
01:19:04,400 --> 01:19:05,530
Take what?

1786
01:19:05,530 --> 01:19:07,130
Living with mom.

1787
01:19:07,130 --> 01:19:08,970
I mean, s-s-she's so bossy

1788
01:19:08,970 --> 01:19:10,400
and controlling and...

1789
01:19:10,400 --> 01:19:12,470
Oh, my God, she's so vain.

1790
01:19:12,470 --> 01:19:14,840
I mean, she spends all her time

1791
01:19:14,840 --> 01:19:17,380
you know, creating this,
this perfect image of herself

1792
01:19:17,380 --> 01:19:19,140
just so she can
lord it over people.

1793
01:19:19,150 --> 01:19:21,650
Sweetie, your mom isn't vain.

1794
01:19:21,650 --> 01:19:23,850
Oh, come on, she, she wears

1795
01:19:23,850 --> 01:19:26,920
a princess outfit
at least once a month.

1796
01:19:26,920 --> 01:19:28,650
You're probably
never gonna believe this.

1797
01:19:28,660 --> 01:19:30,990
But your mom is the most
insecure woman I've ever met.

1798
01:19:32,060 --> 01:19:33,930
My mother?

1799
01:19:33,930 --> 01:19:36,160
- Ruth?
- Yes.

1800
01:19:36,160 --> 01:19:39,200
- Redmond? Huh.
- Yes.

1801
01:19:39,200 --> 01:19:41,000
She never shows
anyone except for me.

1802
01:19:41,000 --> 01:19:45,200
But beneath that tough exterior
is a scared little girl

1803
01:19:45,210 --> 01:19:46,940
whose mom
never really loved her.

1804
01:19:46,940 --> 01:19:48,570
Oh, come on, dad.

1805
01:19:48,580 --> 01:19:50,580
You know her mother.

1806
01:19:50,580 --> 01:19:52,010
Nothing your mom does

1807
01:19:52,010 --> 01:19:53,450
is ever good enough
for that woman.

1808
01:19:53,450 --> 01:19:55,580
She makes your mom
feel worthless

1809
01:19:55,580 --> 01:19:57,780
every single day
of her life.

1810
01:19:57,790 --> 01:19:59,780
So that's why it's
so important to your mom

1811
01:19:59,790 --> 01:20:01,720
to make everything perfect.

1812
01:20:01,720 --> 01:20:03,190
It's not because she's vain.

1813
01:20:03,190 --> 01:20:05,220
It's, it's, it's...
You know, it's because

1814
01:20:05,230 --> 01:20:07,460
when someone tells her
she's got the most amazing

1815
01:20:07,460 --> 01:20:10,400
Christmas tree on the block, it
makes her feel just for a second

1816
01:20:10,400 --> 01:20:12,130
like she's not worthless.

1817
01:20:12,130 --> 01:20:15,570
Like she's, she's actually
good at something.

1818
01:20:15,570 --> 01:20:17,970
Like she's, like she's loved.

1819
01:20:17,970 --> 01:20:19,900
Why does she take it
out on me then?

1820
01:20:19,910 --> 01:20:22,270
Because you know what
she's most insecure about?

1821
01:20:22,280 --> 01:20:23,980
Mm...

1822
01:20:23,980 --> 01:20:25,310
Bein' a mom.

1823
01:20:28,080 --> 01:20:31,750
I-I can't tell you the number
of times she said to me...

1824
01:20:31,750 --> 01:20:34,720
"Did I do a good job
raising Amy?

1825
01:20:34,720 --> 01:20:37,260
Am I good mother?
Did I screw everything up?"

1826
01:20:38,260 --> 01:20:39,490
She really asked that?

1827
01:20:39,490 --> 01:20:41,160
Sweetheart, she loves you

1828
01:20:41,160 --> 01:20:42,760
more than anything in the world.

1829
01:20:42,760 --> 01:20:45,630
She's just got a...

1830
01:20:45,630 --> 01:20:47,430
a deeply fucked up way
of showing it.

1831
01:20:47,430 --> 01:20:49,100
Yeah.

1832
01:20:49,100 --> 01:20:52,500
Look, I've been married
to your mother for 36 years.

1833
01:20:52,510 --> 01:20:53,940
Hm.

1834
01:20:53,940 --> 01:20:56,980
And she is a pain in the ass
even on a good day.

1835
01:20:56,980 --> 01:20:58,680
But you know what?

1836
01:20:58,680 --> 01:21:01,150
I love her more now than I did
the day we got married.

1837
01:21:01,150 --> 01:21:04,120
Because I know the real her.

1838
01:21:04,120 --> 01:21:08,120
And if you can find it
in your heart to forgive her

1839
01:21:08,120 --> 01:21:10,520
and get to know her
like I know her...

1840
01:21:10,520 --> 01:21:15,190
you might just find
that there is a funny

1841
01:21:15,200 --> 01:21:19,170
sweet, beautiful person
hiding inside there.

1842
01:21:20,430 --> 01:21:22,200
Did you say "Sweet?"

1843
01:21:22,200 --> 01:21:26,540
Okay, a funny, beautiful person
hiding in there.

1844
01:21:30,010 --> 01:21:31,010
Yeah.

1845
01:21:32,880 --> 01:21:33,880
Yeah.

1846
01:21:35,850 --> 01:21:37,480
You know where she is?

1847
01:21:37,480 --> 01:21:39,150
It's Christmas Eve.

1848
01:21:58,740 --> 01:22:03,040
<i>♪ And the mountains in reply ♪</i>

1849
01:22:03,040 --> 01:22:06,850
<i>♪ Echoing their
joyous strains ♪</i>

1850
01:22:06,850 --> 01:22:13,350
<i>♪ Glo-o-o-ria ♪</i>

1851
01:22:14,320 --> 01:22:15,820
Excuse me, I'm so sorry.

1852
01:22:15,820 --> 01:22:18,760
<i>♪ In excelsis Deo ♪</i>

1853
01:22:18,760 --> 01:22:21,860
<i>♪ Gl-o-o-oria ♪♪</i>

1854
01:22:21,860 --> 01:22:23,730
Hey, mom.

1855
01:22:23,730 --> 01:22:24,730
Hi.

1856
01:22:26,370 --> 01:22:28,570
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Sandy.

1857
01:22:28,570 --> 01:22:30,100
- I'm Kiki's mom.
- Yes, I know.

1858
01:22:30,100 --> 01:22:32,070
- Nice to see you again.
- How you doin'?

1859
01:22:32,070 --> 01:22:33,400
Hey, wow, look at that.

1860
01:22:33,410 --> 01:22:36,410
All of you are here. Okay.

1861
01:22:36,410 --> 01:22:38,540
And what are you
doing here, Amy?

1862
01:22:38,550 --> 01:22:40,540
I, um...

1863
01:22:40,550 --> 01:22:42,280
I actually came to apologize

1864
01:22:42,280 --> 01:22:44,220
for kicking you out
of the house.

1865
01:22:46,690 --> 01:22:49,290
You're my mom,
and that was a little harsh.

1866
01:22:49,290 --> 01:22:50,860
It certainly was.

1867
01:22:52,360 --> 01:22:53,360
Yeah.

1868
01:22:54,800 --> 01:22:56,030
Okay.

1869
01:22:56,030 --> 01:22:57,360
Hey, psycho bitch

1870
01:22:57,360 --> 01:22:58,900
your daughter just
apologized to you.

1871
01:22:58,900 --> 01:23:01,600
You're now supposed to say
"I'm sorry" to her.

1872
01:23:01,600 --> 01:23:03,640
That's the way human beings
talk to each other.

1873
01:23:03,640 --> 01:23:04,640
Yeah.

1874
01:23:09,710 --> 01:23:12,450
I'm also basically sorry.

1875
01:23:15,250 --> 01:23:17,480
Okay, good. That was good.

1876
01:23:17,480 --> 01:23:19,420
Now, tell her
what you're sorry for.

1877
01:23:21,390 --> 01:23:22,720
You got this.

1878
01:23:26,260 --> 01:23:27,960
It is possible
that I should not

1879
01:23:27,960 --> 01:23:31,560
have thrown a secret
Christmas party at your house.

1880
01:23:31,560 --> 01:23:33,770
Obviously, you made
an incredible number

1881
01:23:33,770 --> 01:23:36,740
of bad decisions
this Christmas as well.

1882
01:23:36,740 --> 01:23:42,270
But... for the tiny fraction
of blame that falls on me

1883
01:23:42,280 --> 01:23:47,850
I am... I am
generally... apologetic.

1884
01:23:50,120 --> 01:23:51,820
Okay.

1885
01:23:51,820 --> 01:23:53,950
Thank you.

1886
01:23:53,950 --> 01:23:55,820
Mom, I know that that was

1887
01:23:55,820 --> 01:23:57,520
really, really hard
for you to say.

1888
01:23:57,520 --> 01:23:59,460
I-it actually really was.

1889
01:24:03,000 --> 01:24:05,360
And, um... you know what?

1890
01:24:05,370 --> 01:24:07,330
I just, I want you
to know that I finally

1891
01:24:07,330 --> 01:24:09,270
understand why you're like this.

1892
01:24:11,870 --> 01:24:16,780
And I need you to know...
that I love you.

1893
01:24:19,450 --> 01:24:21,350
What's that supposed to mean?

1894
01:24:24,620 --> 01:24:27,160
I don't think
that you're worthless.

1895
01:24:29,490 --> 01:24:31,890
I think you're fucking amazing.

1896
01:24:31,890 --> 01:24:33,230
Why are you saying this?

1897
01:24:33,230 --> 01:24:35,160
And no matter
what anyone says...

1898
01:24:37,330 --> 01:24:39,470
I think you're a great mom.

1899
01:24:43,500 --> 01:24:45,000
Really?

1900
01:24:45,010 --> 01:24:46,010
Yeah.

1901
01:24:47,410 --> 01:24:49,340
Yeah, I loved my childhood.

1902
01:24:50,810 --> 01:24:53,150
I did. You gave me everything
that I needed.

1903
01:24:54,850 --> 01:24:57,190
And you always pushed me
to do better.

1904
01:24:59,190 --> 01:25:01,150
And were you perfect?

1905
01:25:01,160 --> 01:25:03,150
- Yes.
- No.

1906
01:25:04,920 --> 01:25:08,090
But none of us are.

1907
01:25:08,090 --> 01:25:10,260
So, I just...

1908
01:25:10,260 --> 01:25:16,170
I really want you
to know... that you did great.

1909
01:25:18,540 --> 01:25:22,670
That's the nicest thing that
anyone has ever said to me.

1910
01:25:22,680 --> 01:25:24,340
I mean, I...

1911
01:25:24,340 --> 01:25:27,850
I actually think that
you're a really wonderful mom.

1912
01:25:27,850 --> 01:25:29,550
I mean, your kids are so happy.

1913
01:25:29,550 --> 01:25:32,290
They're so sweet
and they love you so much.

1914
01:25:35,350 --> 01:25:37,690
- Thank you.
- I mean, I wish...

1915
01:25:40,230 --> 01:25:43,900
I wish I was as close to you
as you are to your kids.

1916
01:25:46,730 --> 01:25:48,640
We still can, mom.

1917
01:25:52,240 --> 01:25:55,070
Wow, I'm just not
very good at this, Amy.

1918
01:25:55,080 --> 01:25:57,810
But I just love you so much.

1919
01:25:58,880 --> 01:26:02,450
I love you so much. I do.

1920
01:26:06,420 --> 01:26:08,590
- God.
- Oh, my God.

1921
01:26:08,590 --> 01:26:10,820
You're a train wreck.

1922
01:26:10,820 --> 01:26:13,730
Well, it's a very complicated

1923
01:26:13,730 --> 01:26:15,960
relationship between
a mother and a daughter.

1924
01:26:15,960 --> 01:26:18,130
But these two...

1925
01:26:18,130 --> 01:26:19,400
They've got it together.

1926
01:26:19,400 --> 01:26:20,800
- I know. I know, babe.
- Finally.

1927
01:26:20,800 --> 01:26:22,630
Yeah. Okay. Here.

1928
01:26:22,640 --> 01:26:25,170
- Do you want some this?
- Yes.

1929
01:26:25,170 --> 01:26:27,770
It's okay. It's okay.

1930
01:26:27,770 --> 01:26:28,940
It's okay.

1931
01:26:28,940 --> 01:26:30,340
Okay, mom?

1932
01:26:31,950 --> 01:26:33,280
Mom, is it midnight already?

1933
01:26:33,280 --> 01:26:34,280
Well, yeah.

1934
01:26:35,820 --> 01:26:37,620
We gotta save Christmas.

1935
01:26:37,620 --> 01:26:39,650
Oh, my God. I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

1936
01:26:42,520 --> 01:26:44,920
<i>♪ Dashing through the snow ♪</i>

1937
01:26:44,920 --> 01:26:48,030
<i>♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪</i>

1938
01:26:48,030 --> 01:26:50,700
<i>♪ O'er the fields we go ♪</i>

1939
01:26:50,700 --> 01:26:53,360
<i>- ♪ Laughing all the way ♪
- ♪ Laughing all the way ♪</i>

1940
01:26:53,370 --> 01:26:56,000
<i>♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪</i>

1941
01:26:56,000 --> 01:26:58,370
<i>♪ Making spirits bright ♪</i>

1942
01:26:58,370 --> 01:27:01,310
<i>♪ What fun it is
to laugh and sing ♪</i>

1943
01:27:01,310 --> 01:27:03,640
<i>♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪</i>

1944
01:27:03,640 --> 01:27:06,980
<i>♪ Whoa jingle bells
jingle bells ♪</i>

1945
01:27:06,980 --> 01:27:09,780
<i>- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
- ♪ Jingle jingle ♪</i>

1946
01:27:09,780 --> 01:27:12,180
<i>♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪</i>

1947
01:27:12,190 --> 01:27:14,190
<i>♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪</i>

1948
01:27:14,190 --> 01:27:17,690
<i>♪ Hey jingle bells
jingle bells ♪</i>

1949
01:27:17,690 --> 01:27:20,660
<i>- ♪ Jingle all the way ♪
- ♪ Jingle jingle ♪</i>

1950
01:27:20,660 --> 01:27:23,130
<i>♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪</i>

1951
01:27:23,130 --> 01:27:27,870
<i>♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪</i>

1952
01:27:43,150 --> 01:27:46,350
Oh, my God!
This is amazing.

1953
01:27:47,590 --> 01:27:49,650
Merry Christmas, guys.

1954
01:27:49,660 --> 01:27:52,660
Mom, you really
did a lot of work.

1955
01:27:52,660 --> 01:27:54,560
I had a little help.

1956
01:27:55,830 --> 01:27:57,160
Merry Christmas, children.

1957
01:27:57,160 --> 01:27:59,400
Grandma.

1958
01:27:59,400 --> 01:28:02,700
Oh! Go open your presents.

1959
01:28:02,700 --> 01:28:05,570
<i>I got you seasons one through
six of "The Walking Dead."</i>

1960
01:28:05,570 --> 01:28:08,010
- Oh, good Lord. Really, mom?
- Thanks, grandma.

1961
01:28:08,010 --> 01:28:09,540
<i>I'll get it.</i>

1962
01:28:09,540 --> 01:28:11,080
Oh, my God.

1963
01:28:12,210 --> 01:28:14,250
Merry Christmas!

1964
01:28:14,250 --> 01:28:17,250
Lori, Merry Christmas, honey.

1965
01:28:17,250 --> 01:28:20,250
- Merry Christmas, Ruth.
- Merry Christmas, Jesus.

1966
01:28:20,250 --> 01:28:22,750
Uh, it's, it's Jessie.

1967
01:28:22,760 --> 01:28:24,560
Wow, you have
really broad shoulders.

1968
01:28:24,560 --> 01:28:26,120
Amy, feel his shoulders.

1969
01:28:26,130 --> 01:28:27,730
Oh, here we go. Okay, mother.

1970
01:28:27,730 --> 01:28:29,590
Thank you. Get in.

1971
01:28:29,600 --> 01:28:32,360
Oh, thanks for almost
learning his name.

1972
01:28:32,370 --> 01:28:34,270
I love you, girl.

1973
01:28:38,370 --> 01:28:39,710
Merry Christmas, Kiki.

1974
01:28:40,870 --> 01:28:42,710
Merry Christmas, mom.

1975
01:28:42,710 --> 01:28:44,610
Do you like my
Kiki-head pajamas?

1976
01:28:47,780 --> 01:28:50,080
- Sort of.
- Thank you.

1977
01:28:50,080 --> 01:28:51,280
I just wanted to let you know

1978
01:28:51,290 --> 01:28:52,920
that I have put the house

1979
01:28:52,920 --> 01:28:55,150
next door on the market.

1980
01:28:55,160 --> 01:28:56,750
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

1981
01:28:56,760 --> 01:28:58,220
I really appreciate that.

1982
01:28:58,220 --> 01:29:00,660
I know I can be a little
psycho sometimes.

1983
01:29:00,660 --> 01:29:02,630
And I know you need your space.

1984
01:29:02,630 --> 01:29:06,660
Which is why I bought the house
across the street.

1985
01:29:06,670 --> 01:29:09,730
No, I'm kidding. I didn't buy
the house across the street.

1986
01:29:09,740 --> 01:29:10,900
I bought the house
down the street.

1987
01:29:10,900 --> 01:29:12,240
- What?
- No.

1988
01:29:12,240 --> 01:29:13,470
I'm gonna move into your attic.

1989
01:29:13,470 --> 01:29:15,940
- Mom! Seriously.
- Kiki, what?

1990
01:29:15,940 --> 01:29:17,740
Where are you living?

1991
01:29:17,740 --> 01:29:21,480
I'm gonna go back to Bismarck
where I belong.

1992
01:29:21,480 --> 01:29:23,520
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

1993
01:29:23,520 --> 01:29:25,020
I just...

1994
01:29:26,820 --> 01:29:29,360
I really miss your dad
on Christmas.

1995
01:29:30,790 --> 01:29:32,260
I do too.

1996
01:29:32,260 --> 01:29:33,260
Yeah.

1997
01:29:35,200 --> 01:29:36,530
I do too.

1998
01:29:37,500 --> 01:29:40,000
Merry Christmas.

1999
01:29:40,000 --> 01:29:41,370
Merry Christmas, mom.

2000
01:29:52,450 --> 01:29:54,610
Hey, mom,
look what Santa got me.

2001
01:29:54,610 --> 01:29:56,380
A used baseball glove.

2002
01:29:56,380 --> 01:29:57,850
Oh, that's great, buddy.

2003
01:29:57,850 --> 01:29:59,620
I used to have one just like it.

2004
01:30:02,790 --> 01:30:04,130
Is that Santa?

2005
01:30:05,330 --> 01:30:06,730
Why would it be Santa, honey?

2006
01:30:06,730 --> 01:30:08,660
Remember, Santa came last night.

2007
01:30:13,700 --> 01:30:15,640
Can I come in?

2008
01:30:24,750 --> 01:30:25,750
Hm.

2009
01:30:26,980 --> 01:30:31,020
Um, alright, I know I haven't

2010
01:30:31,020 --> 01:30:33,350
been the best mother
in the world.

2011
01:30:35,320 --> 01:30:42,190
But you... somehow just
turned out really good.

2012
01:30:42,200 --> 01:30:45,730
Um, and, Carla, I just...

2013
01:30:47,500 --> 01:30:49,400
I wanna be more like you.

2014
01:30:51,100 --> 01:30:55,410
So, I've given up gambling...

2015
01:30:55,410 --> 01:30:58,080
- Mom.
- On horses.

2016
01:30:58,080 --> 01:31:04,950
And I'm gonna pay you back every
cent that I borrowed from you.

2017
01:31:09,920 --> 01:31:11,590
- Really?
- Yeah.

2018
01:31:11,590 --> 01:31:13,930
You know, I got a fucking job.

2019
01:31:15,560 --> 01:31:17,460
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- No!

2020
01:31:17,460 --> 01:31:21,930
They hired me to be in charge
of children's safety.

2021
01:31:21,930 --> 01:31:25,900
Why would
they let you do that?

2022
01:31:25,910 --> 01:31:27,940
I don't even know
how I passed the drug test.

2023
01:31:27,940 --> 01:31:30,710
- Seriously?
- They're crazy.

2024
01:31:30,710 --> 01:31:33,140
And with what they're paying me,
I think I can pay you back

2025
01:31:33,150 --> 01:31:36,250
in about 245 years.

2026
01:31:36,250 --> 01:31:40,650
Wait, does this mean
you're gonna... stick around

2027
01:31:40,650 --> 01:31:42,060
for a while?

2028
01:31:43,920 --> 01:31:46,460
If it's cool with you, yeah.

2029
01:31:48,130 --> 01:31:49,130
Mom.

2030
01:31:50,800 --> 01:31:52,830
It's all I've ever wanted.

2031
01:31:52,830 --> 01:31:55,600
Well, I'll stay
as long as you want me to.

2032
01:31:57,440 --> 01:31:58,440
Mom.

2033
01:32:01,270 --> 01:32:05,010
Mom, also I got
a box of Ziploc bags.

2034
01:32:05,010 --> 01:32:07,240
Oh, sweet Jesus.

2035
01:32:08,650 --> 01:32:10,280
<i>♪ Oh yeah ♪</i>

2036
01:32:10,280 --> 01:32:13,120
<i>♪ Candles burnin' low ♪</i>

2037
01:32:13,120 --> 01:32:16,090
<i>♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪</i>

2038
01:32:16,090 --> 01:32:18,920
<i>♪ Lots of snow and ice ♪</i>

2039
01:32:18,920 --> 01:32:21,990
<i>♪ Everywhere we go ♪</i>

2040
01:32:22,000 --> 01:32:24,030
<i>♪ Choir singing carols ♪</i>

2041
01:32:24,030 --> 01:32:27,530
- Shaobing for everybody.
- Bing with everybody but me.

2042
01:32:27,530 --> 01:32:30,770
<i>♪ All these things and more ♪♪</i>

2043
01:32:30,770 --> 01:32:33,300
God, Chinese food on Christmas.

2044
01:32:33,310 --> 01:32:35,170
I feel like such a Jew.

2045
01:32:35,170 --> 01:32:37,040
Would you like some shaobing?

2046
01:32:37,040 --> 01:32:38,840
Oh, you know I would.

2047
01:32:38,840 --> 01:32:41,010
No, honey,
that is Ruth's husband.

2048
01:32:41,010 --> 01:32:42,650
Oh, honestly, have at it.

2049
01:32:42,650 --> 01:32:44,480
Hank deserves a little fun
at Christmas.

2050
01:32:44,480 --> 01:32:47,320
Oh.

2051
01:32:47,320 --> 01:32:49,390
<i>I love this.</i>

2052
01:32:49,390 --> 01:32:51,490
Guys, I can't believe
that we're eating Chinese food

2053
01:32:51,490 --> 01:32:55,330
for Christmas dinner
and my mother is loving it.

2054
01:32:55,330 --> 01:32:56,900
I can't believe my mom's not
wearing a sweatshirt.

2055
01:32:56,900 --> 01:33:00,200
- With my face on it.
- <i>Guys, we did it.</i>

2056
01:33:00,200 --> 01:33:03,640
We actually took
Christmas back this year.

2057
01:33:03,640 --> 01:33:05,170
You know what? I couldn't
have done it without you girls.

2058
01:33:05,170 --> 01:33:07,200
- Oh!
- Ladies, I love you.

2059
01:33:07,210 --> 01:33:09,240
- We love you back.
- Same here.

2060
01:33:10,910 --> 01:33:13,310
Hi, is, um...

2061
01:33:13,310 --> 01:33:15,220
- Is Carla here?
- Yes!

2062
01:33:18,150 --> 01:33:20,180
Ty Swindle.

2063
01:33:20,190 --> 01:33:22,850
How did you find me?

2064
01:33:22,860 --> 01:33:27,160
- I just looked for you.
- Hi.

2065
01:33:27,160 --> 01:33:29,930
Well, there are so many things
I wanna say to you right now.

2066
01:33:29,930 --> 01:33:32,160
Just say it.

2067
01:33:32,170 --> 01:33:33,730
I feel like it's better
if I, I do it through

2068
01:33:33,730 --> 01:33:35,830
the universal language
of dance.

2069
01:33:35,840 --> 01:33:37,830
- Shut up.
- Yes!

2070
01:33:37,840 --> 01:33:40,170
<i>- What dancing?
- Christmas dancing.</i>

2071
01:33:49,450 --> 01:33:50,550
Oh, Ty!

2072
01:33:50,550 --> 01:33:51,780
<i>♪ Well I'm feeling ♪</i>

2073
01:33:51,790 --> 01:33:53,750
<i>♪ Mighty fine y'all ♪</i>

2074
01:33:53,750 --> 01:33:57,290
<i>♪ Got my music on the radio ♪</i>

2075
01:33:57,290 --> 01:33:59,790
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, my God.

2076
01:33:59,790 --> 01:34:03,290
<i>♪ Well I'm feeling
mighty nice Lord ♪</i>

2077
01:34:03,300 --> 01:34:08,030
<i>♪ Got my music on the radio ♪</i>

2078
01:34:08,030 --> 01:34:09,630
That's beautiful, Ty.

2079
01:34:09,640 --> 01:34:12,940
<i>♪ Feel like I wanna
kiss you baby ♪</i>

2080
01:34:12,940 --> 01:34:17,610
<i>♪ Standin' underneath
that mistletoe ♪</i>

2081
01:34:17,610 --> 01:34:19,910
Oh, my fucking God.

2082
01:34:19,910 --> 01:34:22,050
Turn her around.
Turn her around.

2083
01:34:22,050 --> 01:34:24,050
<i>It's okay,
just turn her around.</i>

2084
01:34:24,050 --> 01:34:27,890
<i>♪ Maybe left all them good
presents for my baby ♪</i>

2085
01:34:27,890 --> 01:34:31,660
<i>♪ I said Merry Christmas baby ♪</i>

2086
01:34:31,660 --> 01:34:34,630
<i>♪ Surely you treat me nice ♪</i>

2087
01:34:34,630 --> 01:34:36,990
<i>♪ You surely treat me nice ♪♪</i>

2088
01:34:37,000 --> 01:34:40,100
Okay, alright,
that's great.

2089
01:34:40,100 --> 01:34:42,500
Okay, we're done.
That was amazing.

2090
01:34:42,500 --> 01:34:44,240
<i>Thank you so much.</i>

2091
01:34:44,240 --> 01:34:45,640
Just go for it, dude.

2092
01:34:45,640 --> 01:34:48,140
Oh, baby, don't cry.

2093
01:34:48,140 --> 01:34:51,340
Phew! He's so hot.

2094
01:34:51,340 --> 01:34:53,580
- That's my son.
- Yeah?

2095
01:34:53,580 --> 01:34:54,980
- Hey, man.
- <i>Right there.</i>

2096
01:34:54,980 --> 01:34:57,080
- That's Jaxon.
- Hey, there. How are you?

2097
01:34:57,080 --> 01:34:59,350
- Nice to meet you.
- <i>Mm-hmm.</i>

2098
01:34:59,350 --> 01:35:00,850
- I'll take you right in there.
- I love you.

2099
01:35:00,850 --> 01:35:02,320
I love you.

2100
01:35:02,320 --> 01:35:04,090
- Phew!
- Whoo!

2101
01:35:04,090 --> 01:35:07,530
Oh, we better get going
or we're gonna miss our flight.

2102
01:35:07,530 --> 01:35:10,190
- What flight?
- Oh, I didn't tell you?

2103
01:35:10,200 --> 01:35:13,460
Isis, Ruth and I are going
to Las Vegas for New Year's.

2104
01:35:13,470 --> 01:35:16,670
And we're gonna see
Wayne Newton before he dies.

2105
01:35:16,670 --> 01:35:18,170
Whoo!

2106
01:35:18,170 --> 01:35:20,500
The three of you are going
to Vegas together?

2107
01:35:20,510 --> 01:35:23,440
Yeah, well,
we're best friends now.

2108
01:35:23,440 --> 01:35:25,340
Well, we're, we're new friends.

2109
01:35:25,340 --> 01:35:27,150
We're best friends.

2110
01:35:27,150 --> 01:35:30,180
Yeah, we're new friends.

2111
01:35:30,180 --> 01:35:33,280
Anyways,
Merry Christmas, everyone.

2112
01:35:33,290 --> 01:35:35,990
- <i>Merry Christmas.</i>
- Merry Christmas, everyone.

2113
01:35:35,990 --> 01:35:38,660
Hank, get all our bags.

2114
01:35:38,660 --> 01:35:40,890
<i>- ♪ I do what I want ♪
- ♪ She does ♪</i>

2115
01:35:40,890 --> 01:35:42,790
<i>♪ Say what you say ♪</i>

2116
01:35:42,800 --> 01:35:45,060
<i>♪ I work real hard everyday ♪</i>

2117
01:35:45,060 --> 01:35:47,460
<i>♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪</i>

2118
01:35:47,470 --> 01:35:49,700
<i>♪ Baby alright ♪</i>

2119
01:35:49,700 --> 01:35:51,300
<i>♪ I don't need a man ♪</i>

2120
01:35:51,300 --> 01:35:53,500
<i>♪ To be holding me too tight ♪</i>

2121
01:35:53,510 --> 01:35:55,840
<i>♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪</i>

2122
01:35:55,840 --> 01:35:58,180
<i>♪ Baby that's right ♪</i>

2123
01:35:58,180 --> 01:36:01,810
<i>♪ I'm just having fun with
my ladies here tonight ♪</i>

2124
01:36:01,810 --> 01:36:04,150
<i>♪ I'm a motherfucker ♪♪</i>

2125
01:36:11,860 --> 01:36:14,090
Merry Christmas, everyone!

2126
01:36:14,100 --> 01:36:17,860
<b><font face="Rockwell" color="#FFFF00">Subtitle By: explosiveskull & Re-Sync By: bozxphd</font></b>
<b><font face="Rockwell" color="#00FFFF">& Improved By: Fidel33
Sub Upload Date: July 16, 2018</font></b>

2127
01:36:18,900 --> 01:36:21,670
<i>♪ Ho ho ho girl ♪</i>

2128
01:36:21,670 --> 01:36:23,830
<i>♪ You're on my naughty list ♪</i>

2129
01:36:23,840 --> 01:36:24,840
<i>♪ Tonight ♪</i>

2130
01:36:27,540 --> 01:36:31,540
<i>♪ Ho whoa-oh ♪</i>

2131
01:36:31,540 --> 01:36:34,350
<i>♪ Yeah yeah ♪</i>

2132
01:36:34,350 --> 01:36:37,250
<i>♪ Oh whoa-oh ♪</i>

2133
01:36:37,250 --> 01:36:38,780
<i>♪ You know
I got to tell you girl ♪</i>

2134
01:36:38,790 --> 01:36:40,180
<i>♪ You're something special ♪</i>

2135
01:36:40,190 --> 01:36:41,750
<i>♪ The way I feel babe ♪</i>

2136
01:36:41,760 --> 01:36:43,090
<i>♪ Gotta have you ♪</i>

2137
01:36:43,090 --> 01:36:44,890
<i>♪ Right here with me ♪</i>

2138
01:36:44,890 --> 01:36:46,890
<i>♪ I will never let you go ♪</i>

2139
01:36:46,890 --> 01:36:48,560
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

2140
01:36:48,560 --> 01:36:49,960
<i>♪ You stuck with me
through the times ♪</i>

2141
01:36:49,960 --> 01:36:51,400
<i>♪ I didn't have it ♪</i>

2142
01:36:51,400 --> 01:36:52,700
<i>♪ Now we got something good ♪</i>

2143
01:36:52,700 --> 01:36:54,360
<i>♪ You can have the plastic ♪</i>

2144
01:36:54,370 --> 01:36:56,700
<i>♪ And anything you want
you can have it ♪</i>

2145
01:36:56,700 --> 01:36:59,400
<i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2146
01:36:59,410 --> 01:37:02,210
<i>♪ You're always
working hard girl ♪</i>

2147
01:37:02,210 --> 01:37:04,540
<i>♪ Tonight
we're taking off girl ♪</i>

2148
01:37:04,540 --> 01:37:07,240
<i>- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2149
01:37:07,250 --> 01:37:10,050
<i>- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2150
01:37:10,050 --> 01:37:15,550
<i>♪ I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight ♪</i>

2151
01:37:15,550 --> 01:37:18,560
<i>- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2152
01:37:18,560 --> 01:37:21,260
<i>- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2153
01:37:21,260 --> 01:37:25,000
<i>♪ I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight ♪</i>

2154
01:37:25,000 --> 01:37:28,070
<i>♪ Feel so good tonight baby ♪</i>

2155
01:37:28,070 --> 01:37:30,900
<i>♪ Baby take your time with me ♪</i>

2156
01:37:30,900 --> 01:37:34,670
<i>♪ I'm your gift
unwrap me slowly ♪</i>

2157
01:37:34,670 --> 01:37:36,470
<i>♪ The fireplace is burnin'
perfect time to... ♪</i>

2158
01:37:36,480 --> 01:37:40,180
<i>♪ Girl I got something
special for you ♪</i>

2159
01:37:40,180 --> 01:37:42,750
<i>♪ Girl I gotta be ♪</i>

2160
01:37:42,750 --> 01:37:45,180
<i>♪ Oh ♪</i>

2161
01:37:45,180 --> 01:37:47,190
<i>♪ I don't wanna spend
this Christmas ♪</i>

2162
01:37:47,190 --> 01:37:49,650
<i>♪ Without you letting
me feel ♪</i>

2163
01:37:49,660 --> 01:37:51,320
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

2164
01:37:51,320 --> 01:37:52,760
<i>♪ Your Santa baby ♪</i>

2165
01:37:52,760 --> 01:37:56,690
<i>♪ Santa baby ♪</i>

2166
01:37:56,700 --> 01:37:58,960
<i>♪ Tonight tonight ♪</i>

2167
01:37:58,960 --> 01:38:02,100
<i>- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2168
01:38:02,100 --> 01:38:04,840
<i>- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2169
01:38:04,840 --> 01:38:08,270
<i>♪ I wanna be the reason
that you come home tonight ♪</i>

2170
01:38:08,270 --> 01:38:10,370
<i>♪ Come home tonight ♪</i>

2171
01:38:10,380 --> 01:38:13,140
<i>- ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2172
01:38:13,150 --> 01:38:15,980
<i>- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪
- ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2173
01:38:15,980 --> 01:38:21,550
<i>♪ I wanna be the first gift
you open tonight ♪</i>

2174
01:38:21,550 --> 01:38:23,450
<i>- ♪ I wanna be ♪
- ♪ I wanna be ♪</i>

2175
01:38:23,460 --> 01:38:25,490
<i>♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2176
01:38:25,490 --> 01:38:28,120
<i>♪ Gotta gotta be gotta gotta be
your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2177
01:38:28,130 --> 01:38:30,830
<i>♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪</i>

2178
01:38:30,830 --> 01:38:34,800
<i>♪ Tonight ♪</i>

2179
01:38:34,800 --> 01:38:37,170
<i>♪ Merry Christmas baby ♪♪</i>

2180
01:38:37,170 --> 01:38:40,470
<i>♪ I do my hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2181
01:38:40,470 --> 01:38:43,070
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin' ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2182
01:38:43,080 --> 01:38:45,410
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2183
01:38:45,410 --> 01:38:48,550
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2184
01:38:48,550 --> 01:38:50,580
<i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2185
01:38:50,580 --> 01:38:53,080
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2186
01:38:53,090 --> 01:38:55,320
<i>♪ Whoo girl need to kick off
your shoes ♪</i>

2187
01:38:55,320 --> 01:38:57,720
<i>♪ Got to take a deep breath
time to focus on you ♪</i>

2188
01:38:57,720 --> 01:39:00,060
<i>♪ All the big fights long
nights that you been through ♪</i>

2189
01:39:00,060 --> 01:39:03,160
<i>♪ I got a bottle of tequila
I been saving for you ♪</i>

2190
01:39:03,160 --> 01:39:05,000
<i>♪ Boss up and change
your life ♪</i>

2191
01:39:05,000 --> 01:39:07,430
<i>♪ You can have it all
no sacrifice ♪</i>

2192
01:39:07,430 --> 01:39:09,600
<i>♪ I know he did you wrong
we can make it right ♪</i>

2193
01:39:09,600 --> 01:39:12,870
<i>♪ So go and let it
all hang out tonight ♪</i>

2194
01:39:12,870 --> 01:39:17,610
<i>♪ 'Cause he don't
love you anymore ♪</i>

2195
01:39:17,610 --> 01:39:22,210
<i>♪ So walk your fine ass
out the door ♪</i>

2196
01:39:22,210 --> 01:39:25,420
<i>♪ And do your hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2197
01:39:25,420 --> 01:39:28,120
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2198
01:39:28,120 --> 01:39:30,520
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2199
01:39:30,520 --> 01:39:33,190
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2200
01:39:33,190 --> 01:39:35,530
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2201
01:39:35,530 --> 01:39:37,900
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2202
01:39:37,900 --> 01:39:40,630
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2203
01:39:40,630 --> 01:39:43,700
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2204
01:39:45,370 --> 01:39:46,700
<i>♪ Ooh ♪</i>

2205
01:39:46,710 --> 01:39:48,810
<i>♪ Yeah ♪</i>

2206
01:39:48,810 --> 01:39:51,280
<i>♪ Alright ♪</i>

2207
01:39:51,280 --> 01:39:52,810
<i>♪ Listen ♪</i>

2208
01:39:52,810 --> 01:39:57,710
<i>♪ If he don't
love you anymore ♪</i>

2209
01:39:57,720 --> 01:40:02,460
<i>♪ Then walk your fine ass
out the door ♪</i>

2210
01:40:04,620 --> 01:40:08,120
<i>♪ And do your hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2211
01:40:08,130 --> 01:40:10,490
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2212
01:40:10,500 --> 01:40:13,060
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2213
01:40:13,070 --> 01:40:15,600
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2214
01:40:15,600 --> 01:40:18,140
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2215
01:40:18,140 --> 01:40:20,470
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2216
01:40:20,470 --> 01:40:22,940
<i>♪ Hair toss
check my nails ♪</i>

2217
01:40:22,940 --> 01:40:26,410
<i>- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪
- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪</i>

2218
01:40:26,410 --> 01:40:29,110
<i>- ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪
- ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪</i>

2219
01:40:29,120 --> 01:40:31,920
<i>♪ Feeling good as hell ♪♪</i>