1 00:00:10,791 --> 00:00:13,708 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 2 00:00:14,375 --> 00:00:18,000 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 3 00:00:18,083 --> 00:00:21,750 ♪ This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day ♪ 4 00:00:21,833 --> 00:00:24,542 ♪ Every single episode Is nothing but dismay ♪ 5 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:30,625 ♪ So look away Look away, look away ♪ 6 00:00:30,708 --> 00:00:33,708 ♪ Three children lose their home And go to live with someone awful ♪ 7 00:00:33,792 --> 00:00:37,542 ♪ He tries to steal their fortune With a plot that's not quite lawful ♪ 8 00:00:37,625 --> 00:00:40,625 ♪ It's hard to fathom how the orphans Managed to live through it ♪ 9 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:45,125 ♪ Or how a decent person like yourself Would even want to view it ♪ 10 00:00:45,208 --> 00:00:49,708 ♪ Just look away, look away ♪ 11 00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:53,458 ♪ There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way ♪ 12 00:00:53,542 --> 00:00:56,542 ♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say ♪ 13 00:00:56,625 --> 00:01:01,333 ♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪ 14 00:01:01,417 --> 00:01:05,208 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 15 00:01:05,292 --> 00:01:08,750 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 16 00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:12,333 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 17 00:01:45,416 --> 00:01:48,875 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 18 00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:53,708 Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket, 19 00:01:53,792 --> 00:01:56,792 and I'm sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching 20 00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:58,583 is extremely unpleasant. 21 00:02:00,667 --> 00:02:04,000 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 22 00:02:04,083 --> 00:02:07,292 From the beginning of this miserable tale to the last melancholy scene, 23 00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:10,583 I cannot think of a single line, a single word, 24 00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:13,208 that does not chill me to my deepest bones. 25 00:02:14,833 --> 00:02:17,750 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 26 00:02:20,750 --> 00:02:23,917 However, the sad history of the Baudelaire orphans 27 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:28,125 did not begin in the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe 28 00:02:28,208 --> 00:02:30,375 at Mulctuary Money Management. 29 00:02:32,250 --> 00:02:35,458 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 30 00:02:40,917 --> 00:02:44,333 Nor does their story begin on this gray and cloudy morning at Briny Beach, 31 00:02:44,417 --> 00:02:46,667 where the Baudelaire children, Violet, Klaus and Sunny, 32 00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,458 received terrible news. 33 00:02:48,542 --> 00:02:51,917 Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. 34 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,042 In fact, the tale of the Baudelaire orphans begins long before the fire 35 00:02:55,125 --> 00:02:58,625 which left the children with practically nothing to their names. 36 00:02:58,708 --> 00:03:03,000 Their story begins before their brief and unpleasant stay with the Poe family. 37 00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,583 It begins before the children meet Justice Strauss, 38 00:03:05,667 --> 00:03:08,500 a nice lady who, unfortunately, is not their guardian. 39 00:03:08,583 --> 00:03:12,250 And before the Baudelaire orphans were placed under the care of a terrible actor 40 00:03:12,333 --> 00:03:14,583 with a mysterious tattoo of an eye on his ankle, 41 00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:17,375 who made the Baudelaires sleep in an awful room, 42 00:03:17,458 --> 00:03:20,917 do a series of difficult and irritating chores, 43 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:25,625 and cook dinner for his disreputable and largely untalented theater troupe, 44 00:03:25,708 --> 00:03:29,333 resulting in an act of violence that ought not to be shown on-screen. 45 00:03:31,792 --> 00:03:32,917 "Why?" you may ask. 46 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,458 Why did the Baudelaire orphans suffer through this series of unfortunate events? 47 00:03:36,542 --> 00:03:39,417 How did the resourceful and intelligent children 48 00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:44,125 of kindly and attentive parents end up in the care of Count Olaf? 49 00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:48,708 That answer, at least, can be found shortly after the fire 50 00:03:48,791 --> 00:03:50,875 that claimed the Baudelaire home. 51 00:03:53,708 --> 00:03:57,625 Inside the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe 52 00:03:57,708 --> 00:03:59,792 at Mulctuary Money Management. 53 00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:06,167 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 54 00:04:13,375 --> 00:04:15,958 Do you know what the question I'm asked most is? 55 00:04:16,042 --> 00:04:17,292 "Will you please leave the premises?" 56 00:04:18,250 --> 00:04:19,542 "Why do I do it?" 57 00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:22,708 "Count Olaf," they ask me, "why are you an actor? 58 00:04:22,792 --> 00:04:26,333 Why not a model, or a millionaire playboy? 59 00:04:26,417 --> 00:04:33,125 Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call 'El Theater'?" 60 00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:34,625 - For fame and fortune? - No. 61 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:35,708 For standing ovation? 62 00:04:35,792 --> 00:04:37,250 - No. - For the costumes! 63 00:04:37,333 --> 00:04:41,458 Where are the costumes? 64 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:48,917 Nobody brought the costumes? 65 00:04:59,250 --> 00:05:00,792 Stay in the car. 66 00:05:00,875 --> 00:05:02,250 Can we listen to the radio? 67 00:05:02,333 --> 00:05:03,417 No. 68 00:05:23,458 --> 00:05:26,250 Well, we've got to reach them. Try Peru. 69 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,667 Well, keep trying. Yes, it's an emergency. 70 00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:31,375 I'm keeping an eye on things best I can, but... 71 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:34,875 Let me call you back. 72 00:05:38,625 --> 00:05:40,500 - I have an appointment. - Name? 73 00:05:46,292 --> 00:05:47,292 Haircut. 74 00:05:48,791 --> 00:05:54,083 - Haircut? - Yes... sica Haircut is my name. 75 00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,500 Yessica Haircut? 76 00:05:55,583 --> 00:05:59,083 Yes. Yessica. 77 00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:05,125 Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please? 78 00:06:25,417 --> 00:06:27,167 There are many police inspectors, 79 00:06:27,250 --> 00:06:29,542 concerned citizens and television executives 80 00:06:29,625 --> 00:06:31,167 who have expressed confusion 81 00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:35,375 as to how the Baudelaire orphans ended up in Count Olaf's so-called care. 82 00:06:35,458 --> 00:06:37,792 The scene you see behind me is called a flashback. 83 00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,042 That is a word which here means 84 00:06:39,125 --> 00:06:41,875 "taken place during the events of the last episode, 85 00:06:41,958 --> 00:06:43,875 shortly after the Baudelaire fire 86 00:06:43,958 --> 00:06:47,708 and during the Baudelaire children's unfortunate stay with the Poe family." 87 00:06:47,792 --> 00:06:51,625 I present it to you now in the hopes that the police inspectors, 88 00:06:51,708 --> 00:06:53,875 concerned citizens and television executives 89 00:06:53,958 --> 00:06:55,917 might finally leave me alone. 90 00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,083 Hello, banker man. 91 00:06:59,916 --> 00:07:02,333 The Baudelaire fire is precisely why I'm here. 92 00:07:02,417 --> 00:07:04,667 - File, not fire. - I said file. 93 00:07:05,458 --> 00:07:06,542 Allow me to introduce myself, 94 00:07:06,625 --> 00:07:09,375 because, as you can see from my mole, we've never met before. 95 00:07:09,458 --> 00:07:12,250 As you can see from my coat, hat and ascot, 96 00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:13,583 I'm here on business. 97 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,833 And as you can see from my sunglasses... 98 00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:17,750 it's bright out. 99 00:07:18,958 --> 00:07:21,292 I'm here to consult with you on the Baudelaire will, 100 00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:23,583 for which I understand you are the executioner. 101 00:07:23,667 --> 00:07:24,708 Executor. 102 00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:29,125 Person who controls people's fortunes after a terrible fire has just happened. 103 00:07:29,875 --> 00:07:30,875 My name... 104 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,458 ...is Yessica Haircut. 105 00:07:41,958 --> 00:07:43,125 That's strange. 106 00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:45,708 I have an appointment for a haircut right now. 107 00:07:46,792 --> 00:07:48,875 Jacquelyn, please cancel that haircut. 108 00:07:48,958 --> 00:07:50,292 Mr. Poe, there's an urgent matter-- 109 00:07:50,375 --> 00:07:53,458 No, no. I wanna hear what this man Haircut has to say. 110 00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:14,208 I'd like to make a withdrawal. 111 00:08:15,083 --> 00:08:16,416 Well, I don't know, Mr.-- 112 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:17,833 - Count... - Count? 113 00:08:19,042 --> 00:08:24,000 ...on me to tell you my name, which is Mr... 114 00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:25,875 Yessica Haircut. 115 00:08:25,958 --> 00:08:30,000 Well, Mr. Haircut, the Baudelaire will states very clearly what is to happen 116 00:08:30,083 --> 00:08:32,792 in the event of the untimely deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire. 117 00:08:32,875 --> 00:08:35,333 They are to be raised by their closest living relative, 118 00:08:35,417 --> 00:08:38,250 who appears to be a renowned scientist by the name of-- 119 00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:41,625 It is one thing to listen to science, Mr. Banker Man. 120 00:08:41,708 --> 00:08:43,250 - Poe. - It is another 121 00:08:43,333 --> 00:08:45,708 to listen to the advice of a consultant. 122 00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:50,833 And in my important actual consulting expertise business, 123 00:08:50,917 --> 00:08:54,042 the phrase "closest living relative" can mean only one thing... 124 00:08:54,958 --> 00:08:56,208 "whoever lives nearby." 125 00:08:56,292 --> 00:08:58,583 Really? You think so? 126 00:09:00,833 --> 00:09:02,667 I would stake my fortune on it. 127 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:05,667 Or my name's not whatever it is I told you it was. 128 00:09:05,750 --> 00:09:07,708 Well, in that case, we're going to need a map of the city. 129 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:13,792 I think the person nearest to the Baudelaires is renowned actor 130 00:09:13,875 --> 00:09:16,750 and handsome man, Count Olaf. 131 00:09:16,833 --> 00:09:17,875 Count... 132 00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:19,958 Never heard of him. 133 00:09:21,417 --> 00:09:24,542 He's been favorably mentioned in theatrical reviews 134 00:09:24,625 --> 00:09:26,458 in several small magazines. 135 00:09:26,542 --> 00:09:29,542 His name is pronounced... 136 00:09:30,417 --> 00:09:31,958 Count Olaf. 137 00:09:32,042 --> 00:09:36,042 And if I'm not mistaken, he lives right... 138 00:09:37,333 --> 00:09:38,583 right here. 139 00:09:39,292 --> 00:09:40,375 Is that really the closest? 140 00:09:40,458 --> 00:09:42,292 Yes, absolutely, for sure. 141 00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:46,000 Jacquelyn, can you please bring in a very large ruler? 142 00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:53,417 Jacquelyn? 143 00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:00,083 Guess I'll get it myself. 144 00:10:05,542 --> 00:10:08,250 These events at Mulctuary Money Management 145 00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:11,333 resulted in unfortunate events far and near, 146 00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:13,583 from a woman trapped in a remote park... 147 00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:15,667 You'll never get away with this. 148 00:10:15,750 --> 00:10:17,750 I already did get away with it. 149 00:10:20,625 --> 00:10:22,875 ...to three orphans in horrifying circumstances, 150 00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:24,625 as our story resumes. 151 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,750 Put some elbow grease into it! 152 00:10:28,792 --> 00:10:32,708 Mr. Poe must have made a horrible mistake when he took us here. 153 00:10:32,792 --> 00:10:35,125 There's no way our parents would want us in Count Olaf's care, 154 00:10:35,208 --> 00:10:36,375 if we can even call it that. 155 00:10:36,458 --> 00:10:39,667 As soon as Count Olaf's back is turned, we need to leave this house. 156 00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:42,208 I'd rather take my chances on the streets than stay here any longer. 157 00:10:42,292 --> 00:10:44,125 Who knows what would happen to us on the street? 158 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:45,916 At least here we have a roof over our head. 159 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,958 I wish our parents' money could be used now, 160 00:10:48,042 --> 00:10:49,083 instead of when you come of age. 161 00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:53,042 Then we could buy a castle and live in it 162 00:10:53,125 --> 00:10:56,375 with armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe. 163 00:10:56,458 --> 00:10:59,500 - With a large inventing studio. - And a library. 164 00:11:01,250 --> 00:11:04,125 Hurry up, orphans. There's reupholstering to be done. 165 00:11:04,208 --> 00:11:06,250 Justice Strauss said her home was always open to us. 166 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:09,125 She said her legal library was always open to us. 167 00:11:09,208 --> 00:11:10,333 It's not the same thing. 168 00:11:10,417 --> 00:11:13,333 Mr. Poe did say we could contact him if we had any questions. 169 00:11:13,417 --> 00:11:15,750 We don't really have a question. We have a complaint. 170 00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:19,500 Can I warm that up for you? And also give you some very bad news? 171 00:11:19,583 --> 00:11:21,167 - What is it? - It's that secretary-- 172 00:11:21,250 --> 00:11:24,292 Shh! Not here. 173 00:11:41,625 --> 00:11:43,292 An emergency? 174 00:11:43,375 --> 00:11:45,333 Very well, but I'm quite busy. 175 00:11:45,417 --> 00:11:47,833 My old secretary, a distinguished professional 176 00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:50,583 who showed up without fail for many years, has vanished. 177 00:11:50,667 --> 00:11:53,458 I've hired an underemployed artist with no prior experience 178 00:11:53,542 --> 00:11:56,333 who needs the occasional day off for auditions and performances. 179 00:11:56,417 --> 00:11:59,958 Plus, I've already had to reschedule a haircut several times. 180 00:12:00,042 --> 00:12:01,083 What can I do for you? 181 00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:03,833 Count Olaf is a madman. We can't stay with him. 182 00:12:03,917 --> 00:12:06,542 He struck Klaus across the face. See his bruise? 183 00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:10,000 Oh, excuse me. Poe here. 184 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,667 Yes. 185 00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:14,542 Yes. 186 00:12:14,625 --> 00:12:16,167 Yes. 187 00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:17,708 Yes. 188 00:12:17,792 --> 00:12:19,167 Yes. 189 00:12:19,250 --> 00:12:21,042 Absolutely not. 190 00:12:21,125 --> 00:12:22,208 Thank you. 191 00:12:23,125 --> 00:12:24,458 I'm sorry. What were we talking about? 192 00:12:25,208 --> 00:12:26,458 Oh, yes, Count Olaf. 193 00:12:26,542 --> 00:12:29,083 I'm sorry you don't have a good first impression of him. 194 00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:31,167 He only provided us with one bed. 195 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:33,708 He makes us do a great many difficult chores. 196 00:12:36,792 --> 00:12:39,417 Excuse me. Poe here. 197 00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:41,833 Seven. 198 00:12:41,917 --> 00:12:43,500 Seven. 199 00:12:43,583 --> 00:12:45,208 Seven. 200 00:12:45,292 --> 00:12:46,667 Seven. 201 00:12:46,750 --> 00:12:48,708 Anything but seven. 202 00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:49,875 You're welcome. 203 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,583 Children, everyone, at some time in their life, 204 00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:54,875 wishes they were being raised 205 00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:57,042 by people different than the ones who were raising you. 206 00:12:57,125 --> 00:12:58,167 When I was a little boy, 207 00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:01,167 I would have given my eyeteeth to be raised by an actor. 208 00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:02,958 He calls us orphans. 209 00:13:03,042 --> 00:13:04,208 You are orphans. 210 00:13:04,292 --> 00:13:05,583 He has terrible friends. 211 00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,458 I have terrible friends. 212 00:13:10,875 --> 00:13:13,292 Speaking of not understanding a word someone is saying! 213 00:13:17,250 --> 00:13:20,333 Baudelaires, are you familiar with the term "in loco parentis"? 214 00:13:20,417 --> 00:13:21,750 It sounds like Latin. 215 00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:23,583 Latin and legal. 216 00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:27,958 "In loco parentis" means "acting in the role of a parent." 217 00:13:28,042 --> 00:13:30,542 It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf. 218 00:13:30,625 --> 00:13:33,125 The actor is acting as your parent. 219 00:13:33,208 --> 00:13:34,458 And as your legal guardian, 220 00:13:34,542 --> 00:13:37,333 Count Olaf may raise you using any method he sees fit. 221 00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:40,458 So I'm sorry if your parents didn't make you do household chores, 222 00:13:40,542 --> 00:13:43,625 or if you like their friends more than you like Count Olaf's friends. 223 00:13:43,708 --> 00:13:45,792 But there are certain things you must get used to. 224 00:13:45,875 --> 00:13:49,375 Now, I'm sorry if I have to usher you out posthaste, 225 00:13:49,458 --> 00:13:51,042 but I've got work to do. 226 00:13:51,125 --> 00:13:52,417 "Posthaste" means "very, very--" 227 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,083 It means he'll do nothing to help us. 228 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,000 Oh, on the contrary, I'll have my new secretary give you a ride home 229 00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:58,833 as soon as he's finished typing up that report. 230 00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:04,583 I think we need to call the IT guy. 231 00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:06,250 That man works for Count Olaf. 232 00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:08,667 He did say Count Olaf was one of his professional contacts. 233 00:14:08,750 --> 00:14:10,375 It was good seeing you, Baudelaires. 234 00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:12,375 We're not going back to Count Olaf's house! 235 00:14:12,458 --> 00:14:13,833 Look at Klaus' face! 236 00:14:13,917 --> 00:14:16,708 Oh, no, no, no, orphans. 237 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,250 Look at mine. 238 00:14:22,292 --> 00:14:23,750 Shall I let them off the hook? 239 00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:39,292 I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you. 240 00:14:39,375 --> 00:14:40,792 Thank you. 241 00:14:40,875 --> 00:14:43,375 Aren't raspberries delicious? 242 00:14:43,458 --> 00:14:45,833 They were my favorite berry when I was your age. 243 00:14:45,917 --> 00:14:47,458 But we're all different ages. 244 00:14:57,542 --> 00:14:59,542 I want to talk to you about something. 245 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:04,458 I recently received a call from Mr. Poe. 246 00:15:04,541 --> 00:15:06,125 Is that so? 247 00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:08,250 I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you. 248 00:15:08,333 --> 00:15:10,625 I'm glad he did, 249 00:15:10,708 --> 00:15:14,417 because I want you three children to feel more at home here, 250 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,958 now that I am your father. 251 00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:21,042 As you know, I have been working hard with my theater troupe, 252 00:15:21,125 --> 00:15:25,292 and I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish. 253 00:15:25,375 --> 00:15:27,667 The word "standoffish" is a wonderful one, 254 00:15:27,750 --> 00:15:31,250 but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior toward the children. 255 00:15:31,333 --> 00:15:33,667 "Standoffish" refers to a person 256 00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:36,417 who, for various reasons, is not associating with others. 257 00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:39,792 It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, 258 00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:43,042 might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person. 259 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,958 Gustav? Jacquelyn here. 260 00:16:04,042 --> 00:16:05,625 It would not describe somebody 261 00:16:05,708 --> 00:16:07,875 who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, 262 00:16:07,958 --> 00:16:11,333 forces them to do horrible chores and strikes them across the face. 263 00:16:11,417 --> 00:16:12,417 Therefore... 264 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,250 There are many words for people like that. 265 00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:16,958 ...to make you feel a little more at home here... 266 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:19,000 But "standoffish" isn't one of them. 267 00:16:19,083 --> 00:16:22,542 ...I want you to participate in my next play. 268 00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,167 Participate how? 269 00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:28,458 I'm... 270 00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,917 The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, 271 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,625 and is by the great playwright Al Funcoot. 272 00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:42,708 We will give only one performance, this Friday night. 273 00:16:42,792 --> 00:16:47,458 It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man, played by me. 274 00:16:47,542 --> 00:16:51,167 You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play two cheering people in the crowd. 275 00:16:51,250 --> 00:16:54,333 But we're shorter than most adults. Won't that look strange to the audience? 276 00:16:54,417 --> 00:16:55,625 You'll be playing two midgets. 277 00:16:55,708 --> 00:16:58,375 And what will I do? Build the sets? 278 00:17:01,291 --> 00:17:05,083 Build the sets? Oh, heavens, no. 279 00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:07,958 My sister is very good with tools. 280 00:17:08,042 --> 00:17:11,750 A pretty girl like you shouldn't be working backstage. 281 00:17:12,458 --> 00:17:13,667 But I'd like to. 282 00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:16,750 Sunny, Sunny, Sunny... 283 00:17:16,833 --> 00:17:18,083 Violet? 284 00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:20,417 Violet, Violet, Violet. 285 00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,250 You will be playing the young woman I marry. 286 00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:26,375 It's a very important role 287 00:17:26,458 --> 00:17:29,750 although you only have one line, and I think you know what it is. 288 00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:31,042 I don't. 289 00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:33,792 No, no, no. It's "I do." 290 00:17:33,875 --> 00:17:36,250 Count Olaf... 291 00:17:36,333 --> 00:17:37,708 What did you call me? 292 00:17:40,083 --> 00:17:41,167 Father... 293 00:17:43,083 --> 00:17:46,167 I'm not sure I'm talented enough to perform professionally. 294 00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:49,583 I'd hate to disgrace your good name and the name of Al Funcoot. 295 00:17:49,667 --> 00:17:53,083 Plus, I'll be very busy the next few weeks working on my inventions. 296 00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:56,125 And learning how to prepare roast beef. 297 00:17:58,292 --> 00:18:01,250 You will participate in my theatrical performance! 298 00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:03,625 I would prefer it if you participate voluntarily, 299 00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:06,083 but as I believe Mr. Poe has explained to you, 300 00:18:06,167 --> 00:18:09,208 I can act loco parentheses. 301 00:18:09,292 --> 00:18:10,375 In loco parentis. 302 00:18:10,917 --> 00:18:12,292 Poco De Laurentiis. 303 00:18:12,375 --> 00:18:14,167 In loco parentis. 304 00:18:15,125 --> 00:18:19,250 The point is, I can order you to participate, 305 00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:22,833 and you must obey. 306 00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:31,625 Now go talk to the woman in the wig. 307 00:18:32,375 --> 00:18:35,292 I can't stand looking at you anymore. 308 00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:46,917 You think he was trying to poison us with those raspberries? 309 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,000 He ate them all. 310 00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:50,375 Besides, Count Olaf is after the fortune we will inherit. 311 00:18:50,458 --> 00:18:52,125 Killing us will do him no good. 312 00:18:52,208 --> 00:18:55,000 What good would it do to be in a performance of The Marvelous Marriage? 313 00:19:00,417 --> 00:19:02,458 Marriage is like sharing a root beer float, 314 00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,792 or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. 315 00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:06,875 Even when it's happening onstage, 316 00:19:06,958 --> 00:19:09,208 you should only do it with the people you love. 317 00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:11,542 I have never been married myself. 318 00:19:11,625 --> 00:19:15,250 I once desperately loved a remarkably brave and bravely remarkable woman, 319 00:19:15,333 --> 00:19:17,750 who, when I asked her if she would be my wife, 320 00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:20,833 found, for complicated and unfathomable reasons, 321 00:19:20,917 --> 00:19:22,542 she could give me no answer. 322 00:19:22,625 --> 00:19:23,917 No answer. 323 00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:33,500 Baudelaires! I'm so happy to see you. 324 00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:35,958 Are you here to continue your research? 325 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,583 Actually, Justice Strauss, we're here to research something else. 326 00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:39,958 Do you have any books on the theater? 327 00:19:41,917 --> 00:19:44,375 Ah, the theater. 328 00:19:44,458 --> 00:19:47,958 I see you're settling in to having an actor for a guardian. 329 00:19:48,042 --> 00:19:50,083 I have quite the interest in theater, you know. 330 00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:53,208 Learning lines and curtseying for the audience 331 00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:55,917 and wearing costumes. 332 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,542 I would give up every last wig just to wear a costume. 333 00:19:59,625 --> 00:20:02,500 Justice Strauss, do you have anything on local ordinances? 334 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,500 Ah, local ordinances. 335 00:20:07,042 --> 00:20:09,208 Wait, are you sure? 336 00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:12,625 Even I don't like reading such books, and I work at the High Court. 337 00:20:12,708 --> 00:20:17,042 I'm actually considering a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating. 338 00:20:17,125 --> 00:20:19,125 Well, to each his own. 339 00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:21,083 There are countless types of books in this world, 340 00:20:21,166 --> 00:20:24,250 which makes good sense because there are countless types of people. 341 00:20:24,833 --> 00:20:28,542 Sunny, would you like to come with me into the garden 342 00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:32,250 while your siblings tackle all this reading? 343 00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:35,000 Klaus, what's happened to your face? 344 00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:40,042 We're trying to find out. 345 00:20:40,666 --> 00:20:43,125 Well, I do have a section on rashes. 346 00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:45,875 It's right next to Chinese cars. 347 00:20:56,625 --> 00:20:58,333 Isn't it beautiful, boss? 348 00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:01,667 No, no, no, it should be delicate! Fetching! 349 00:21:01,750 --> 00:21:04,292 And a chiffon train rippling down like... like-- 350 00:21:04,375 --> 00:21:06,250 - Like a waterfall. - Like an open wound. 351 00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,375 Exactly. 352 00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:15,667 ♪ Here comes Count Olaf A bit of a show off ♪ 353 00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,167 - What? - Nothing else rhymes with Count Olaf. 354 00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:21,125 There are plenty of things that rhyme with Count Olaf. 355 00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:26,833 - Hmm. - Uh... 356 00:21:26,917 --> 00:21:29,125 - Hmm... - Hmm... 357 00:21:29,208 --> 00:21:30,500 Rice pilaf! 358 00:21:31,208 --> 00:21:32,542 Got it. 359 00:21:37,958 --> 00:21:40,417 I just think, even in changing context, 360 00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:43,875 that marriage is an inherently patriarchal construction 361 00:21:43,958 --> 00:21:47,292 that is likely to further the hegemonic juggernaut 362 00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:49,375 that's problematizing, uh... 363 00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:52,000 Hmm, "nuclear. 364 00:21:52,083 --> 00:21:53,292 Nudism. 365 00:21:53,375 --> 00:21:54,583 Nugget. 366 00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:56,667 Nuptial." 367 00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,667 Uh-oh, gotta go. 368 00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:03,958 ...on the planet and... 369 00:22:04,041 --> 00:22:05,583 Are you leaving? 370 00:22:06,250 --> 00:22:07,083 Justice Strauss? 371 00:22:07,167 --> 00:22:08,583 Yes? 372 00:22:09,375 --> 00:22:10,833 May I ask you something? 373 00:22:10,917 --> 00:22:12,458 Certainly. 374 00:22:13,667 --> 00:22:16,000 Oh, there we go, sweet girl. 375 00:22:16,083 --> 00:22:17,500 Good. 376 00:22:17,583 --> 00:22:20,583 Yes, as one legal scholar to another? 377 00:22:21,542 --> 00:22:23,167 "The only nuptial requirements are 378 00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:26,250 a statement of active acquiescence by both participants, 379 00:22:26,333 --> 00:22:28,750 utilizing in loco parentis if necessary, 380 00:22:28,833 --> 00:22:32,250 and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand." 381 00:22:32,875 --> 00:22:34,292 Does that mean what I think it means? 382 00:22:34,375 --> 00:22:38,125 Well, I suppose it depends upon what you think it means. 383 00:22:38,208 --> 00:22:41,375 It means you're going to be a star. 384 00:22:43,167 --> 00:22:44,333 Count Olaf! 385 00:22:44,417 --> 00:22:46,917 Please, call me your guardian actor. 386 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:52,667 Justice Strauss, you are about to find your drab, legal beagle existence 387 00:22:52,750 --> 00:22:56,500 transformed into something mind-blowing, and yet extremely classy, 388 00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:59,917 when you become the exciting new face 389 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,000 of the next Count Olaf production. 390 00:23:03,667 --> 00:23:05,083 You mean... 391 00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:09,917 You have got the star quality necessary for a small walk-on role 392 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,292 in Al Funcoot's new play. 393 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,333 I've wanted to be an actress since I was young. 394 00:23:15,417 --> 00:23:18,333 Although, my drama teacher told me my chances were slim 395 00:23:18,417 --> 00:23:21,917 because of my posture, and so I went into the law, but now-- 396 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:23,958 Now, you can see it. 397 00:23:24,042 --> 00:23:26,167 - The curtain rises. - Curtain? 398 00:23:26,250 --> 00:23:28,500 - The audience applauds. - Audience! 399 00:23:28,583 --> 00:23:32,792 And you walk onto stage, dressed as a judge. 400 00:23:32,875 --> 00:23:35,375 - A judge! - It's a very important part, 401 00:23:35,458 --> 00:23:36,917 although you won't be listed in the program. 402 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:41,333 You will stand in front of a very handsome man, played by me... 403 00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:44,625 I get to share the stage with Count Olaf? 404 00:23:46,417 --> 00:23:51,083 ...while a stunningly-costumed bride, played by Violet, stands beside me. 405 00:23:51,167 --> 00:23:52,500 You are so lucky, Violet. 406 00:23:52,583 --> 00:23:55,208 All my life I wanted to be a bride, 407 00:23:55,292 --> 00:23:58,833 but it seems all the men I meet are intimidated by my law degree, 408 00:23:58,917 --> 00:24:01,208 or obsessed with model trains. 409 00:24:02,292 --> 00:24:03,917 A gorgeous... 410 00:24:05,042 --> 00:24:07,875 bridal dress of my own design... 411 00:24:08,792 --> 00:24:11,708 while you perform the entire wedding ceremony, 412 00:24:11,792 --> 00:24:14,458 getting each and every word exactly right, 413 00:24:14,542 --> 00:24:15,833 while we sign a document 414 00:24:15,917 --> 00:24:18,417 which you shall bring from city hall for added realism. 415 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:20,500 Justice Strauss, he's up to something. 416 00:24:20,583 --> 00:24:25,667 What I am up to is making Justice Strauss' dreams come true. 417 00:24:25,750 --> 00:24:26,958 Oh. 418 00:24:27,042 --> 00:24:30,292 You will suddenly find yourself in the enviable position 419 00:24:30,375 --> 00:24:33,500 of being a struggling actress in middle age. 420 00:24:33,583 --> 00:24:35,375 It's almost too good to be true. 421 00:24:35,458 --> 00:24:37,833 It is. Justice Strauss, Count Olaf is-- 422 00:24:37,917 --> 00:24:41,250 Count Olaf is welcoming you into his life 423 00:24:41,333 --> 00:24:44,625 by making you an important part of this theatrical enterprise. 424 00:24:44,708 --> 00:24:48,000 Children, go. Go home. 425 00:24:48,917 --> 00:24:51,542 Spend some time with your new father. 426 00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:01,083 Carpe diem! 427 00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:02,458 Seize the children! 428 00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:04,333 - Seize the day. - I said day. 429 00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:09,583 Boss, 430 00:25:09,667 --> 00:25:12,167 I have three kinds of butter cream icing here for you to sample. 431 00:25:12,250 --> 00:25:16,042 One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg and the other's a little lemony. 432 00:25:16,125 --> 00:25:17,750 I told you never to say that word. 433 00:25:18,917 --> 00:25:21,042 Take these orphans 434 00:25:21,125 --> 00:25:23,583 upstairs to their bedroom until Friday. 435 00:25:23,667 --> 00:25:25,125 I have no use for them until then. 436 00:25:25,208 --> 00:25:27,292 - Uh, except to cook dinner. - We'll order takeout. 437 00:25:27,375 --> 00:25:30,167 We're gonna find out just what you're up to, Count Olaf. 438 00:25:30,250 --> 00:25:32,250 We know you're just trying to steal our parents' fortune. 439 00:25:32,333 --> 00:25:33,333 We're gonna prove it. 440 00:25:33,417 --> 00:25:34,625 Let me eat cake. 441 00:25:38,542 --> 00:25:39,667 Nice. 442 00:25:40,667 --> 00:25:41,792 Mmm. 443 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,125 Oh, my! 444 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,042 Get into your pajamas and say your prayers, 445 00:25:50,125 --> 00:25:51,208 unless you're atheists. 446 00:25:51,292 --> 00:25:52,375 You can't just keep us in here. 447 00:25:52,458 --> 00:25:55,125 You know who always says that? Prisoners. 448 00:25:55,208 --> 00:25:56,333 Listen to us. Count Olaf is-- 449 00:25:56,417 --> 00:25:58,125 No, no, no, no. You listen to me, little boy, 450 00:25:58,208 --> 00:25:59,667 and you listen very carefully. 451 00:25:59,750 --> 00:26:02,917 The only reason why Count Olaf hasn't torn you limb from limb 452 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,792 is because he hasn't gotten a hold of your fortune. 453 00:26:04,875 --> 00:26:07,708 But you ask yourself this question, all of you: 454 00:26:07,792 --> 00:26:12,042 What reason would he have to keep you alive after he's got your money? 455 00:26:12,125 --> 00:26:15,208 What do you think will happen to you then? 456 00:26:23,292 --> 00:26:26,042 - This is terrible, terrible. - Awful. 457 00:26:27,208 --> 00:26:28,292 What's gonna happen? 458 00:26:28,375 --> 00:26:31,042 I don't know. But I know what I'm gonna do. 459 00:26:31,125 --> 00:26:33,208 I'm gonna stay up all night with a book. 460 00:26:35,792 --> 00:26:38,167 Klaus was not reading for his own enjoyment, 461 00:26:38,250 --> 00:26:41,250 but to try to rescue his siblings from a terrible predicament. 462 00:26:41,875 --> 00:26:45,542 The book was not at all interesting. The book was long and difficult. 463 00:26:45,625 --> 00:26:48,542 He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. 464 00:26:48,625 --> 00:26:51,625 He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. 465 00:26:53,750 --> 00:26:56,750 By night's end, Klaus had found out all he needed to know. 466 00:26:57,500 --> 00:26:59,875 His hopes rose with the dawn. 467 00:27:03,750 --> 00:27:05,458 Although, unfortunately... 468 00:27:07,833 --> 00:27:09,792 ...so did Count Olaf. 469 00:27:15,083 --> 00:27:17,792 What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in your room. 470 00:27:17,875 --> 00:27:21,000 I was in my room all night, and I know what you're up to. 471 00:27:21,083 --> 00:27:23,500 Me? I'm just having my morning coffee, 472 00:27:23,583 --> 00:27:25,792 although I can't seem to find the sugar bowl. 473 00:27:26,542 --> 00:27:27,958 "The only nuptial requirements are 474 00:27:28,042 --> 00:27:30,458 a statement of active acquiescence by both participants, 475 00:27:30,542 --> 00:27:32,917 utilizing in loco parentis if necessary, 476 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:36,625 and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand." 477 00:27:36,708 --> 00:27:38,542 Let me give you a piece of advice. 478 00:27:38,625 --> 00:27:41,250 If you use fancy-pants words first thing in the morning, 479 00:27:41,333 --> 00:27:43,250 you're going to end up a very lonely man. 480 00:27:43,333 --> 00:27:45,333 I figured out your scheme. 481 00:27:45,417 --> 00:27:47,208 You're not going to marry Violet figuratively. 482 00:27:47,292 --> 00:27:48,500 You're going to marry her literally. 483 00:27:48,583 --> 00:27:50,167 Literally? 484 00:27:50,250 --> 00:27:52,916 That's outrageous. I... Wait. 485 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:54,667 Literally? Literally. 486 00:27:54,750 --> 00:27:56,208 You don't know the difference 487 00:27:56,292 --> 00:27:58,250 between figuratively and literally, do you? 488 00:27:59,208 --> 00:28:00,833 Uh... 489 00:28:02,667 --> 00:28:05,833 It is very useful, whether one is young or in late middle age, 490 00:28:05,917 --> 00:28:09,250 to know the difference between literally and figuratively. 491 00:28:09,333 --> 00:28:13,125 "Literally" is a word which here means that something is actually happening, 492 00:28:13,208 --> 00:28:14,583 whereas "figuratively" is a word 493 00:28:14,666 --> 00:28:16,916 which means it just feels like it's happening. 494 00:28:17,375 --> 00:28:20,000 If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, 495 00:28:20,083 --> 00:28:23,542 that means that you are leaping through the air because you are very happy. 496 00:28:24,333 --> 00:28:27,542 I'm leaping in the air because I'm very happy. 497 00:28:27,625 --> 00:28:29,458 If you are figuratively jumping for joy, 498 00:28:29,542 --> 00:28:32,042 it means that you are so happy you could jump for joy, 499 00:28:32,125 --> 00:28:34,625 but are saving your energy for other matters. 500 00:28:36,375 --> 00:28:38,000 I'm so happy I could jump for joy, 501 00:28:38,083 --> 00:28:39,917 but I'm saving my energy for other matters. 502 00:28:40,500 --> 00:28:43,583 So literally would be an actual marriage, whereas figuratively 503 00:28:43,666 --> 00:28:46,333 would be marrying her for the purposes of theatrical entertainment. 504 00:28:46,416 --> 00:28:48,583 I knew that. I was testing you. 505 00:28:49,583 --> 00:28:52,083 If my sister says "I do" and signs a piece of paper 506 00:28:52,167 --> 00:28:54,333 while Justice Strauss is in the room, she's legally married. 507 00:28:54,417 --> 00:28:57,333 This play won't be pretend. It'll be real and legally binding. 508 00:28:57,417 --> 00:29:01,292 I wouldn't marry your sister if she were the last orphan on earth. 509 00:29:01,375 --> 00:29:05,375 A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women 510 00:29:05,458 --> 00:29:07,583 who don't complain about doing their chores. 511 00:29:07,667 --> 00:29:08,750 What's in it for me? 512 00:29:10,167 --> 00:29:14,667 "A legal husband has titular and practical control over any relevant fiduciaries, 513 00:29:14,750 --> 00:29:18,083 resulting in aggregate financial dominion over any spousal holdings." 514 00:29:18,167 --> 00:29:21,542 I don't think a boy your age ought to be using the word "titular." 515 00:29:21,625 --> 00:29:23,125 If you became Violet's husband, 516 00:29:23,208 --> 00:29:25,583 you'd gain complete control over the Baudelaire fortune. But... 517 00:29:25,667 --> 00:29:29,125 "A prospective spouse must be chronologically sound and appropriate 518 00:29:29,208 --> 00:29:32,833 in regards to the age of consent according to prevailing community standards." 519 00:29:33,958 --> 00:29:37,208 My sister isn't old enough to get married, even if she wanted to. 520 00:29:40,208 --> 00:29:42,250 Tell me, bookworm... 521 00:29:43,208 --> 00:29:47,125 can you name me a language that was spoken by ancient Romans 522 00:29:47,208 --> 00:29:50,000 and is still spoken by very irritating people today? 523 00:29:50,083 --> 00:29:52,750 - Latin. - That's right. 524 00:29:52,833 --> 00:29:57,958 And can you translate the Latin phrase "in loco parentis"? 525 00:29:58,042 --> 00:29:59,625 "Acting in the role of parent." 526 00:29:59,708 --> 00:30:01,083 That's right. 527 00:30:01,167 --> 00:30:02,542 And that's me. 528 00:30:02,625 --> 00:30:06,458 You see, Violet can get married if she has the permission 529 00:30:06,541 --> 00:30:08,125 of her legal guardian. 530 00:30:08,666 --> 00:30:09,916 And she does. 531 00:30:10,625 --> 00:30:11,708 In fact... 532 00:30:12,250 --> 00:30:14,208 she has more than permission. 533 00:30:15,250 --> 00:30:18,416 She has enthusiasm. 534 00:30:20,417 --> 00:30:24,375 All the enthusiasm in the world won't get us to participate in your horrible plot! 535 00:30:26,125 --> 00:30:27,250 Mr. Poe will hear about this. 536 00:30:27,333 --> 00:30:29,167 Your play will not be performed, and you will go to jail! 537 00:30:31,500 --> 00:30:33,833 ♪ Here comes Count Olaf ♪ 538 00:30:33,917 --> 00:30:37,042 ♪ Throw the rice pilaf ♪ 539 00:30:37,125 --> 00:30:38,125 Excuse me. 540 00:30:38,208 --> 00:30:39,792 Sorry to interrupt, everyone, 541 00:30:39,875 --> 00:30:42,458 but that brave and clever boy with the horrible glasses 542 00:30:42,542 --> 00:30:44,833 has just figured out our dastardly plan. 543 00:30:44,917 --> 00:30:46,208 Yes. 544 00:30:46,292 --> 00:30:48,458 Thanks to his stupendous library book, 545 00:30:48,542 --> 00:30:52,042 the orphans have achieved a grand victory over our evil ways. 546 00:30:52,125 --> 00:30:53,292 - Oh, no. - Whatever will we do? 547 00:30:53,375 --> 00:30:55,917 - I guess we will go to jail. - For a very long time. 548 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,667 I guess that proves reading really is fundamental. 549 00:30:58,750 --> 00:31:00,000 Violet, 550 00:31:00,083 --> 00:31:04,208 do you think your booky little brother is very brave and clever? 551 00:31:04,292 --> 00:31:05,792 His work speaks for itself. 552 00:31:05,875 --> 00:31:07,458 Count Olaf wants to marry you for real, 553 00:31:07,542 --> 00:31:10,083 while you and Justice Strauss and everyone else thinks it's just a play. 554 00:31:10,167 --> 00:31:11,833 But I'm not old enough to get married. 555 00:31:11,917 --> 00:31:14,208 You can with the permission of your legal guardian. 556 00:31:14,292 --> 00:31:15,750 In loco parentis. 557 00:31:15,833 --> 00:31:18,458 We have to get Sunny and get out of this wretched place. 558 00:31:23,458 --> 00:31:25,042 - Sunny. Wake up. - Sunny. 559 00:31:25,667 --> 00:31:28,667 - Where is she? - Where is she indeed? 560 00:31:28,750 --> 00:31:30,917 It certainly is so strange to find a child missing, 561 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,250 and one so small, so helpless. 562 00:31:33,333 --> 00:31:34,542 When did you see her last? 563 00:31:35,958 --> 00:31:37,167 What have you done with Sunny? 564 00:31:37,250 --> 00:31:40,792 Here, Sunny, Sunny. Where are you, girl? 565 00:31:42,500 --> 00:31:43,583 Did you hear that? 566 00:31:44,500 --> 00:31:46,208 It came from outside. 567 00:31:53,875 --> 00:31:54,791 Sunny? 568 00:31:56,875 --> 00:31:58,833 Oh, you're not looking in the right place. 569 00:31:58,917 --> 00:32:02,708 For children who read so much, you two are remarkably unintelligent. 570 00:32:03,375 --> 00:32:05,917 She's not here. 571 00:32:06,917 --> 00:32:09,625 Oh, don't look so down. 572 00:32:09,708 --> 00:32:12,958 I'd say things are looking up, up... 573 00:32:13,042 --> 00:32:14,250 up. 574 00:32:22,542 --> 00:32:23,625 Oh, no. 575 00:32:23,708 --> 00:32:26,083 - Let her go. She's done nothing to you. - She's an infant. 576 00:32:26,167 --> 00:32:27,833 Well, if you really want me to let her go, I will. 577 00:32:27,917 --> 00:32:30,750 But even a stupid brat like you might realize that if I let her go, 578 00:32:30,833 --> 00:32:32,958 or more accurately, if I have my comrade let her go... 579 00:32:33,042 --> 00:32:34,208 Hi. 580 00:32:34,292 --> 00:32:36,292 Sunny might not survive the fall to the ground. 581 00:32:36,375 --> 00:32:37,750 That's a 30-foot tower, 582 00:32:37,833 --> 00:32:40,292 which is a very long way for a very small person to fall, 583 00:32:40,375 --> 00:32:42,750 even when she's inside a cage. But if you insist. 584 00:32:42,833 --> 00:32:44,750 - No, don't! - Please, she's just a baby. 585 00:32:44,833 --> 00:32:47,333 We'll do anything, anything. Just don't harm her. 586 00:32:47,417 --> 00:32:49,208 Anything? Anything? 587 00:32:49,292 --> 00:32:52,875 Would you, for instance, consider marrying me 588 00:32:52,958 --> 00:32:54,667 during tomorrow night's performance? 589 00:32:54,750 --> 00:32:56,667 I would never, ever marry you. 590 00:32:57,292 --> 00:32:58,667 Hmm. 591 00:32:58,750 --> 00:33:00,083 Children... 592 00:33:00,167 --> 00:33:04,208 your sister is like a stick behind a stubborn mule. 593 00:33:04,292 --> 00:33:05,750 My sister's not a stick. 594 00:33:09,583 --> 00:33:12,250 Any animal owner will tell you 595 00:33:12,333 --> 00:33:15,292 that a stubborn mule will move toward the carrot 596 00:33:15,375 --> 00:33:17,875 because it wants the reward of food... 597 00:33:18,583 --> 00:33:20,125 and away from the stick 598 00:33:20,208 --> 00:33:24,958 because it wants to avoid the punishment of rump pain. 599 00:33:25,042 --> 00:33:27,875 Likewise, you will do what I say, 600 00:33:27,958 --> 00:33:30,292 to avoid the punishment of the loss of your sister. 601 00:33:30,375 --> 00:33:34,208 And because you want the reward of a charming husband. 602 00:33:36,542 --> 00:33:38,042 Come now. 603 00:33:38,125 --> 00:33:40,292 Would it be so terrible to be my bride, 604 00:33:40,375 --> 00:33:43,333 to live in my house for the rest of your life? 605 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:45,833 You're such a lovely girl. 606 00:33:46,750 --> 00:33:50,625 After the wedding, I wouldn't dispose of you like your brother and sister. 607 00:33:51,917 --> 00:33:54,542 If you let Sunny go... 608 00:33:56,958 --> 00:33:59,000 - I will marry you. - Hmm. 609 00:33:59,625 --> 00:34:01,375 Mazel tov. 610 00:34:03,542 --> 00:34:06,792 I will let Sunny go after tomorrow night's performance. 611 00:34:06,875 --> 00:34:10,208 Until then, she will remain in the tower room for safekeeping. 612 00:34:10,292 --> 00:34:12,708 - That is all. - You're a terrible man. 613 00:34:12,792 --> 00:34:14,917 I may be a terrible man, but I have concocted 614 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:17,500 a foolproof way of getting your fortune. 615 00:34:17,583 --> 00:34:18,750 What have you done? 616 00:35:00,958 --> 00:35:02,875 I wish I had an inventor here. 617 00:35:03,792 --> 00:35:05,542 I was thinking the same thing. 618 00:35:08,208 --> 00:35:09,708 - Gustav. - Jacquelyn. 619 00:35:12,167 --> 00:35:13,958 - You came. - You sent for me. 620 00:35:14,667 --> 00:35:17,333 Things are disastrous. Everything's gone wrong. 621 00:35:17,417 --> 00:35:18,875 I thought so. 622 00:35:18,958 --> 00:35:22,042 Dr. Montgomery and I were expecting the Baudelaire children days ago. 623 00:35:22,125 --> 00:35:23,833 Dr. Montgomery's supposed to be their new guardian. 624 00:35:23,917 --> 00:35:26,458 That's what the Baudelaire parents wanted, in case of fire. 625 00:35:26,542 --> 00:35:28,375 What went wrong? Why haven't we seen them? 626 00:35:28,458 --> 00:35:30,833 Mr. Poe listened to the advice of a consultant. 627 00:35:31,417 --> 00:35:34,917 A consultant? Dear God. Why would anyone listen to a consultant? 628 00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:38,583 I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with rice pilaf. 629 00:35:39,750 --> 00:35:41,958 Are you free Friday night to attend the theater? 630 00:35:42,042 --> 00:35:43,792 We might be able to get things back on track 631 00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:45,458 without calling attention to ourselves. 632 00:35:45,542 --> 00:35:48,167 Of course. But what shall we do until then? 633 00:35:48,833 --> 00:35:50,208 Could you cut these ropes for me? 634 00:35:54,458 --> 00:35:56,208 The children must be so frightened. 635 00:35:56,875 --> 00:35:58,375 We're all frightened, Gustav. 636 00:35:59,250 --> 00:36:01,458 Sunny must be so frightened. 637 00:36:01,542 --> 00:36:04,458 We're all frightened, Klaus. You should get some sleep. 638 00:36:04,542 --> 00:36:06,958 - But you're dismantling my bed. - Use Sunny's. 639 00:36:07,042 --> 00:36:09,708 You stayed up all last night trying to find out Count Olaf's plot. 640 00:36:09,792 --> 00:36:11,000 It's my turn. 641 00:36:13,958 --> 00:36:15,333 I didn't help us. 642 00:36:16,833 --> 00:36:19,542 Yes, you did. You just didn't finish the job. 643 00:36:20,458 --> 00:36:25,875 Remember when our parents first brought Sunny home? 644 00:36:26,833 --> 00:36:28,750 She bit the doorknob off the nursery. 645 00:36:30,417 --> 00:36:31,667 Mother and Father... 646 00:36:32,750 --> 00:36:35,625 they made me promise to always look after you two 647 00:36:35,708 --> 00:36:38,458 and make sure you don't get into any trouble. 648 00:36:39,542 --> 00:36:41,250 Let me keep my promise. 649 00:37:02,375 --> 00:37:05,542 Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy as turning on a light. 650 00:37:07,083 --> 00:37:10,708 But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms, 651 00:37:10,792 --> 00:37:14,167 the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation. 652 00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:43,000 As inventing workshops go, 653 00:37:43,083 --> 00:37:46,125 Count Olaf's bathroom was small and dimly lit. 654 00:37:46,208 --> 00:37:49,916 But the inventing area in Violet's mind was large and bright... 655 00:37:50,500 --> 00:37:53,250 and inside of it was everything she needed. 656 00:38:08,125 --> 00:38:10,458 Oh, Olaf, that is perfect. 657 00:38:10,542 --> 00:38:12,875 It's so wonderful that, in addition to your many talents, 658 00:38:12,958 --> 00:38:14,750 you have a marvelous eye for fashion. 659 00:38:14,833 --> 00:38:16,667 - Without being a sissy. - Without being a sissy. 660 00:38:16,750 --> 00:38:18,500 What was that? 661 00:38:19,333 --> 00:38:20,833 I think what's-his-name is shaving. 662 00:38:20,917 --> 00:38:24,167 Right. Tell me if this is too much. Baby's breath. 663 00:38:24,250 --> 00:38:25,875 I thought you were marrying the older one. 664 00:38:25,958 --> 00:38:27,500 No. 665 00:38:27,583 --> 00:38:30,000 No, sprigs of baby's breath in Violet's hair. 666 00:38:30,083 --> 00:38:31,458 Oh! 667 00:39:12,458 --> 00:39:15,542 "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious." 668 00:39:26,375 --> 00:39:28,917 "It is the source of all true art and science." 669 00:39:49,458 --> 00:39:52,083 How pleasant that you could join us. 670 00:39:56,208 --> 00:39:57,292 What are you gonna do with me? 671 00:39:57,375 --> 00:39:59,333 - I said have a seat. - No, you didn't. 672 00:40:17,875 --> 00:40:19,625 - Hello? - Boss, it's me. 673 00:40:19,708 --> 00:40:20,917 Who? Be specific. 674 00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:22,833 Me. Your henchman with the-- 675 00:40:22,917 --> 00:40:24,875 - Hand problem? What do you want? - Yeah. 676 00:40:24,958 --> 00:40:28,458 Your blushing bride just climbed up here to try and rescue the biting brat. 677 00:40:28,542 --> 00:40:30,208 - Well, how'd she do that? - Oh, I don't know. 678 00:40:30,292 --> 00:40:33,083 - Well, take a guess. - Um... Well, some sort of, uh-- 679 00:40:33,167 --> 00:40:35,000 - Some sort of what? - Uh, ropey thing. 680 00:40:35,083 --> 00:40:37,375 - It was a grappling hook. - She says it was a grappling hook. 681 00:40:37,458 --> 00:40:39,167 - Where'd she get a grappling hook? - I don't know, boss. 682 00:40:39,250 --> 00:40:40,375 - She's mine. - No, yes, boss, of course 683 00:40:40,458 --> 00:40:41,583 I understand she's yours. 684 00:40:41,667 --> 00:40:43,167 - Stay there. I'll be right up. - Uh... okay. 685 00:40:43,250 --> 00:40:44,667 - Goodbye. - Over and out. 686 00:40:44,750 --> 00:40:46,833 - Over? What is that supposed to mean? - "Over and out"? 687 00:40:46,917 --> 00:40:48,333 Oh, um... 688 00:40:48,417 --> 00:40:50,667 - I mean. I think it's-- - It's what? 689 00:40:50,750 --> 00:40:53,042 - It's kind of an... a, uh... - Kind of an a what? 690 00:40:53,125 --> 00:40:55,708 - Walkie-talkie slang for goodbye. - Say that. 691 00:40:55,792 --> 00:40:57,083 I'm sorry. Okay, fine. Yeah. 692 00:40:57,167 --> 00:40:59,958 - Well, for God... See you soon. - Okay. Goodbye. 693 00:41:01,542 --> 00:41:03,458 Count Olaf is very displeased with his bride. 694 00:41:03,542 --> 00:41:04,792 I'm not his bride. 695 00:41:04,875 --> 00:41:06,792 Oh, very soon you will be. 696 00:41:08,042 --> 00:41:11,458 Which means that I will soon be your henchperson-in-law. 697 00:41:17,542 --> 00:41:20,750 You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world 698 00:41:20,833 --> 00:41:22,208 is raising a child. 699 00:41:22,292 --> 00:41:26,083 But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing 700 00:41:26,167 --> 00:41:28,750 and performing in a theatrical presentation 701 00:41:28,833 --> 00:41:31,583 for the purposes of stealing their dead parents' fortune. 702 00:41:31,667 --> 00:41:33,417 It's a very difficult job, 703 00:41:33,500 --> 00:41:36,292 and I will not have any orphans mucking it up. 704 00:41:36,375 --> 00:41:37,750 You'll never touch our fortune. 705 00:41:40,250 --> 00:41:41,166 Klaus... 706 00:41:42,292 --> 00:41:43,958 I'll touch whatever I want. 707 00:42:02,333 --> 00:42:05,667 When the sand runs out in the... 708 00:42:05,750 --> 00:42:07,250 um... 709 00:42:07,333 --> 00:42:09,000 whatchamacallit... 710 00:42:09,083 --> 00:42:11,875 your sister will be married to me. 711 00:42:13,208 --> 00:42:15,000 What happened? Why are we up here? 712 00:42:15,083 --> 00:42:17,833 Tried to rescue Sunny using an invention of mine to climb up the tower. 713 00:42:17,917 --> 00:42:19,167 It's so high. You must have been terrified. 714 00:42:19,250 --> 00:42:21,208 It's not as scary as the thought of marrying Count Olaf. 715 00:42:21,292 --> 00:42:22,625 I'm sorry it didn't work. 716 00:42:22,708 --> 00:42:25,000 The invention worked fine. I just got caught. 717 00:42:25,083 --> 00:42:26,667 We've got to rescue Sunny and get out of here 718 00:42:26,750 --> 00:42:28,208 before the sand runs out of the hourglass. 719 00:42:32,625 --> 00:42:35,792 I didn't realize the sand went so quickly. I bought it online. 720 00:42:35,875 --> 00:42:39,625 You're gonna need to flip it a couple of times, like, okay? 721 00:42:39,708 --> 00:42:41,208 And don't touch the baby! 722 00:42:41,875 --> 00:42:44,417 - It's gonna be okay, Sunny. - Just hang in there. 723 00:42:46,083 --> 00:42:48,208 It's okay. He didn't mean it as a joke. 724 00:42:48,292 --> 00:42:50,958 Do you think you could invent something to help us escape? 725 00:42:52,125 --> 00:42:53,417 Maybe. 726 00:42:54,375 --> 00:42:57,333 Do you think you could research a way to get us out of the wedding? 727 00:42:57,417 --> 00:42:58,458 Maybe. 728 00:43:04,167 --> 00:43:07,583 I am certain that over the course of your own life, 729 00:43:07,667 --> 00:43:09,458 you have noticed that certain rooms 730 00:43:09,542 --> 00:43:12,500 reflect the personalities of the occupants. 731 00:43:14,291 --> 00:43:15,541 For instance... 732 00:43:16,250 --> 00:43:18,708 in my own lonely room, I have... 733 00:43:18,792 --> 00:43:21,375 gathered a collection of things which are important to me, 734 00:43:21,458 --> 00:43:23,750 including all of my notes on the Baudelaire orphans, 735 00:43:23,833 --> 00:43:26,875 a few crucial objects that I have gathered in my travels 736 00:43:26,958 --> 00:43:28,125 and... 737 00:43:30,958 --> 00:43:32,666 a blurry photograph... 738 00:43:33,458 --> 00:43:36,917 taken a long time ago, of a woman named Beatrice, 739 00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:40,833 which I look at from time to time while writing this account 740 00:43:40,917 --> 00:43:43,625 from across what was once a prominent theater, 741 00:43:43,708 --> 00:43:46,042 no more able to help the Baudelaires 742 00:43:46,125 --> 00:43:49,333 than the objects they found in Count Olaf's tower room. 743 00:44:00,083 --> 00:44:02,292 If we had kerosene, we could make Molotov cocktails 744 00:44:02,375 --> 00:44:03,958 with those old wine bottles. 745 00:44:04,042 --> 00:44:05,667 - What are Molotov cocktails? - They're small bombs. 746 00:44:05,750 --> 00:44:08,167 If we throw them out the window, we could attract attention. 747 00:44:08,250 --> 00:44:09,583 But we don't have any kerosene. 748 00:44:09,667 --> 00:44:12,375 If you don't say "I do" and you don't sign the document with your own hand, 749 00:44:12,458 --> 00:44:14,583 then you won't be legally married. 750 00:44:14,667 --> 00:44:16,417 But then Olaf will drop Sunny off the tower. 751 00:44:16,500 --> 00:44:17,792 Certainly would. 752 00:44:17,875 --> 00:44:20,792 Come, orphans. It's time for the big event. 753 00:44:20,875 --> 00:44:22,875 My associate here... 754 00:44:22,958 --> 00:44:24,542 Hello, good to see you again. 755 00:44:24,625 --> 00:44:27,208 ...will stay with your sister and we will be in constant contact 756 00:44:27,292 --> 00:44:29,833 with the use of these walkie-talkies. 757 00:44:29,917 --> 00:44:32,625 If anything goes wrong during tonight's performance, 758 00:44:32,708 --> 00:44:35,250 your sister will be dropped to her death. Shall we? 759 00:44:36,458 --> 00:44:39,208 - We'll be back soon, Sunny. - Don't worry. 760 00:44:43,125 --> 00:44:44,667 Come on. 761 00:44:52,417 --> 00:44:55,667 Count Olaf, Eleanora Poe, from the Daily Punctilio. 762 00:44:55,750 --> 00:44:58,458 Taking the role of a handsome man is certainly a brave choice. 763 00:44:58,542 --> 00:44:59,542 Is it a stretch for you? 764 00:44:59,625 --> 00:45:02,875 Well, as an actor, I think live theater is a much more powerful medium 765 00:45:02,958 --> 00:45:04,292 than, say, streaming television. 766 00:45:04,375 --> 00:45:06,542 And how do you respond to rumors that this whole production 767 00:45:06,625 --> 00:45:09,083 - is nothing more than an evil plot? - Evil plot? 768 00:45:09,167 --> 00:45:11,792 The only evil plot going on is the one you'll see on stage. 769 00:45:11,875 --> 00:45:13,333 Take your seats. 770 00:45:13,417 --> 00:45:15,083 - All right, curtain 8:00 p.m. - Check. 771 00:45:15,167 --> 00:45:16,708 - Intermission, 9:15. - Check. 772 00:45:16,792 --> 00:45:19,542 Act two, 9:30, unless concession sales are strong. 773 00:45:19,625 --> 00:45:21,500 - Check. - The wedding will be around 10:00 p.m., 774 00:45:21,583 --> 00:45:25,333 followed by champagne toasts, reception with cake and finger food, 775 00:45:25,417 --> 00:45:26,958 then the after-party at the Mexican place. 776 00:45:27,042 --> 00:45:28,083 Check. 777 00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:32,958 I'm just glad the Baudelaires are adjusting to their new life. 778 00:45:33,042 --> 00:45:34,625 I had my doubts about Count Olaf, 779 00:45:34,708 --> 00:45:37,625 but now that I see he's putting three young children in the theater, 780 00:45:37,708 --> 00:45:40,208 all my anxieties are put to rest. 781 00:45:43,458 --> 00:45:45,750 You two will stay right here until the wedding scene. 782 00:45:45,833 --> 00:45:48,417 Any sort of funny business, and it's curtains for your baby sister. 783 00:45:48,500 --> 00:45:51,458 You see, "curtains" means that your sister will be dropped out of the window, 784 00:45:51,542 --> 00:45:53,917 but it's also a sort of play on theatrical curtains. 785 00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:55,417 One minute to curtain. 786 00:45:55,500 --> 00:45:57,875 - You look great. - Don't distract me with idle chatter. 787 00:45:57,958 --> 00:45:59,208 I'm trying to get into character. 788 00:45:59,292 --> 00:46:01,875 Now, Justice Whatever, sit here until the wedding scene. 789 00:46:01,958 --> 00:46:06,000 Remember, you must use the exact same wording you use in an actual wedding. 790 00:46:06,083 --> 00:46:07,625 Get it absolutely right. 791 00:46:07,708 --> 00:46:11,167 There's talent scouts in the audience looking for new actresses about your age. 792 00:46:11,250 --> 00:46:13,666 Talent scouts! Oh, my! 793 00:46:17,042 --> 00:46:18,708 Justice Strauss, may we speak to you? 794 00:46:18,792 --> 00:46:22,500 Don't distract me with idle chatter. I am trying to get into character. 795 00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:27,125 Change of plans. Sit here. Don't distract her. 796 00:46:27,917 --> 00:46:30,042 Your better side. 797 00:46:30,125 --> 00:46:32,958 Rubber baby, baby, baby. Rubber baby... 798 00:46:33,042 --> 00:46:35,000 Rubber baby, baby... 799 00:46:35,083 --> 00:46:36,875 Rubber baby, baby, baby. 800 00:46:36,958 --> 00:46:38,917 Rubber baby, baby, baby. 801 00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:41,042 - Rubber baby, baby, baby. - Showtime. 802 00:46:41,125 --> 00:46:42,667 - All right, all right. - All right, all right. 803 00:46:42,750 --> 00:46:44,500 - Rubber bubber... Baby bubber. - Rubber bubber... 804 00:47:06,125 --> 00:47:10,208 Here I am, literally standing at the edge of a pond. 805 00:47:10,292 --> 00:47:12,375 He's not literally standing at the edge of a pond. 806 00:47:12,458 --> 00:47:15,125 He's figuratively standing at the edge of a pond. 807 00:47:15,208 --> 00:47:19,500 What is a very handsome man like me to do about it... 808 00:47:19,583 --> 00:47:22,833 except perform a lengthy soliloquy? 809 00:47:31,958 --> 00:47:33,625 Don't suppose you know how to play poker. 810 00:47:43,542 --> 00:47:44,625 Would you like to deal? 811 00:47:46,708 --> 00:47:49,333 Please, lady pharaohs, 812 00:47:49,417 --> 00:47:52,500 I am very handsome, but I am only one man. 813 00:47:53,875 --> 00:47:58,083 By the waters of the Nile, this very handsome man shall be mine. 814 00:47:59,292 --> 00:48:02,500 By the shape of the pyramids, I'll kill you if I can't have him. 815 00:48:02,583 --> 00:48:04,166 He's so handsome. 816 00:48:09,583 --> 00:48:12,542 Okay, if I win this hand, you give me a backrub, 817 00:48:12,625 --> 00:48:14,583 but if you win again, I'll put tape on my mouth. 818 00:48:43,792 --> 00:48:45,500 Please, Duchess. 819 00:48:45,583 --> 00:48:48,500 I am very handsome, but I am only one man. 820 00:48:49,167 --> 00:48:53,083 By the turrets of Gravelstein, this very handsome man shall be mine. 821 00:48:53,167 --> 00:48:54,583 By the Gardens of Worthington, 822 00:48:54,667 --> 00:48:57,083 if I can't have him, my heart will literally break. 823 00:48:57,167 --> 00:49:00,458 Figuratively. "My heart will figuratively break." 824 00:49:00,542 --> 00:49:03,375 Why, what handsome adventures I have had, 825 00:49:03,458 --> 00:49:06,541 only to end up at this same pond on this... 826 00:49:07,208 --> 00:49:08,625 my wedding day! 827 00:49:50,167 --> 00:49:51,625 Say your line. 828 00:49:59,708 --> 00:50:01,500 Do you... 829 00:50:01,583 --> 00:50:06,917 take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? 830 00:50:14,958 --> 00:50:16,583 I do. 831 00:50:20,208 --> 00:50:23,667 - Do you take this woman-- - Man. 832 00:50:23,750 --> 00:50:27,083 Man. Do you take this man... 833 00:50:27,167 --> 00:50:30,625 to be your lawfully wedded husband? 834 00:50:54,292 --> 00:50:56,583 I do. 835 00:50:56,667 --> 00:51:01,333 By the powers vested in me by going to law school, 836 00:51:01,417 --> 00:51:05,375 I now pronounce you Count and Countess. 837 00:51:05,458 --> 00:51:06,583 Mazel tov. 838 00:51:13,667 --> 00:51:14,750 Okay. 839 00:51:25,875 --> 00:51:29,042 Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make an announcement. 840 00:51:29,125 --> 00:51:32,667 There is no need to continue with tonight's performance. 841 00:51:38,125 --> 00:51:42,083 For its purpose has been served. 842 00:51:42,167 --> 00:51:45,083 This has not been a scene of fiction. 843 00:51:45,167 --> 00:51:48,417 My marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal, 844 00:51:48,500 --> 00:51:51,542 and I am now in control of her entire fortune. 845 00:51:52,708 --> 00:51:54,542 That can't be true! 846 00:51:54,625 --> 00:51:56,666 On the contrary, Judgikins, 847 00:51:56,750 --> 00:52:00,458 the law of the land clearly states that the bride must say "I do" 848 00:52:00,542 --> 00:52:03,917 and sign the appropriate document in her own hand. 849 00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:07,583 And all of you, ladies and gentlemen, are witnesses. 850 00:52:07,667 --> 00:52:10,292 Violet is only a child. She's not old enough to marry. 851 00:52:10,375 --> 00:52:12,333 She is if her legal guardian allows it. 852 00:52:12,417 --> 00:52:15,542 And in addition to being her husband, I am also her legal guardian. 853 00:52:15,625 --> 00:52:18,458 But that piece of paper's not an official document. 854 00:52:18,542 --> 00:52:20,583 It's... it's just a stage prop. 855 00:52:20,667 --> 00:52:22,167 If you look closely enough, 856 00:52:22,250 --> 00:52:24,917 I think you'll see that it is figuratively real. 857 00:52:25,000 --> 00:52:27,000 - Literally. - I said literally. 858 00:52:28,416 --> 00:52:31,083 I'm afraid this marriage is entirely binding. 859 00:52:31,167 --> 00:52:32,458 Violet... 860 00:52:32,542 --> 00:52:36,500 you said "I do" and signed this paper in your own hand. 861 00:52:37,458 --> 00:52:40,125 Count Olaf, you are now Violet's legal husband. 862 00:52:40,792 --> 00:52:41,833 And? 863 00:52:41,917 --> 00:52:45,667 And a vile and terrible person. 864 00:52:45,750 --> 00:52:47,542 A vile and terrible person 865 00:52:47,625 --> 00:52:52,333 who is in complete control of the Baudelaires' entire fortune. 866 00:52:52,417 --> 00:52:54,625 This is absolutely horrendous. I won't allow it! 867 00:52:54,708 --> 00:52:56,417 I'm afraid there's nothing you can do. 868 00:52:56,500 --> 00:52:58,750 Count Olaf is correct. 869 00:52:59,875 --> 00:53:02,000 This marriage is legally binding. 870 00:53:02,083 --> 00:53:06,208 I am so sorry, Baudelaires. 871 00:53:06,292 --> 00:53:08,833 I can't believe how easily I was tricked. 872 00:53:08,917 --> 00:53:10,750 You were easily tricked! 873 00:53:10,833 --> 00:53:13,625 It was child's play, winning this fortune. 874 00:53:13,708 --> 00:53:17,958 And now, a reception to celebrate my special day. Hit it! 875 00:53:20,375 --> 00:53:22,542 Oh, thank you. 876 00:53:25,750 --> 00:53:27,167 Stop. 877 00:53:27,250 --> 00:53:28,333 First, let Sunny go. 878 00:53:28,417 --> 00:53:29,583 Where is Sunny? 879 00:53:29,667 --> 00:53:32,458 I'm afraid she's tied up at the moment, 880 00:53:32,542 --> 00:53:34,792 if you'll forgive my little joke. 881 00:53:37,542 --> 00:53:40,542 See, it's a little play on words. "All tied up" is a figurative-- 882 00:53:40,625 --> 00:53:42,208 You promised to let her go! 883 00:53:42,291 --> 00:53:46,416 Oh, and what kind of husband would I be if I didn't keep my promises? 884 00:53:48,083 --> 00:53:50,333 Drop the pip-squeak to her death. 885 00:53:50,417 --> 00:53:51,458 No. 886 00:53:56,708 --> 00:53:59,250 You idiot! What are you doing? 887 00:53:59,333 --> 00:54:01,500 Well, I had to bring her here. She had a straight flush. 888 00:54:02,750 --> 00:54:05,958 So, you escaped, you little dishrag. 889 00:54:06,042 --> 00:54:09,667 Well, I'm still married to Violet, and I will dispense with you 890 00:54:09,750 --> 00:54:11,416 on our honeymoon. 891 00:54:12,083 --> 00:54:15,083 Care to dance, Countess? 892 00:54:17,375 --> 00:54:20,125 I'm not a Countess. At least I don't think I am. 893 00:54:20,208 --> 00:54:22,875 - Wait. - And why not, pray tell? 894 00:54:22,958 --> 00:54:25,458 I didn't sign the document in my own hand, as the law states. 895 00:54:25,542 --> 00:54:28,250 Don't lie to me, orphan. Everyone saw you. 896 00:54:28,333 --> 00:54:32,958 Yes, there were several hundred witnesses, not to mention those on the mezzanine. 897 00:54:33,042 --> 00:54:34,375 But I'm right-handed, 898 00:54:34,458 --> 00:54:36,375 and I signed the document with my left hand. 899 00:54:37,167 --> 00:54:39,000 Well, that doesn't count. 900 00:54:39,083 --> 00:54:43,708 You're just being a sore loser and trying to ruin my special day. 901 00:54:46,208 --> 00:54:47,458 With all due respect, 902 00:54:47,542 --> 00:54:49,958 I think Justice Strauss ought to tell us if it counts. 903 00:54:50,042 --> 00:54:51,375 That's right. 904 00:54:51,458 --> 00:54:54,917 That's right. I should tell you. I am a judge. 905 00:54:56,042 --> 00:54:57,292 Let me think. 906 00:55:07,542 --> 00:55:08,542 I don't know. 907 00:55:08,625 --> 00:55:10,125 What? 908 00:55:10,208 --> 00:55:14,708 You should never be afraid to admit that you don't know something. 909 00:55:14,792 --> 00:55:17,000 This is a very complicated case. 910 00:55:17,083 --> 00:55:21,000 It would take a formidable legal scholar to solve it. 911 00:55:21,083 --> 00:55:22,917 May I have a blackboard, please? 912 00:55:25,833 --> 00:55:28,417 In the respected legal tome, Nuptial Law, 913 00:55:28,500 --> 00:55:31,791 John Locke's 1690s groundbreaking work is cited, 914 00:55:31,875 --> 00:55:34,708 postulating that the law of the land rests on the... 915 00:55:34,792 --> 00:55:37,083 As you can well imagine, Klaus' legal argument 916 00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:39,708 had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall 917 00:55:39,792 --> 00:55:42,667 and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells, a phrase which here means 918 00:55:42,750 --> 00:55:46,541 it was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing. 919 00:55:46,625 --> 00:55:49,333 And so, as Martin Luther King said, 920 00:55:49,417 --> 00:55:53,542 "Morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. 921 00:55:53,625 --> 00:55:56,417 Judicial decrees may not change the heart... 922 00:55:56,500 --> 00:55:58,583 but they can restrain the heartless." 923 00:55:58,667 --> 00:56:01,667 Ah! That moral argument 924 00:56:01,750 --> 00:56:05,417 had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall 925 00:56:05,500 --> 00:56:08,625 and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells. 926 00:56:08,708 --> 00:56:13,958 It was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing. 927 00:56:14,042 --> 00:56:17,875 And I am happy to say that because Violet, 928 00:56:17,958 --> 00:56:22,625 who is right-handed, signed the document with her left hand, 929 00:56:22,708 --> 00:56:24,958 the marriage is invalid. 930 00:56:32,167 --> 00:56:36,917 Well, you may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter. 931 00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:38,792 Do you honestly believe I will allow you 932 00:56:38,875 --> 00:56:40,583 to continue to care for these three children 933 00:56:40,667 --> 00:56:42,458 after the treachery I've seen here tonight? 934 00:56:42,542 --> 00:56:44,125 I'm even considering firing your associate 935 00:56:44,208 --> 00:56:45,917 - as my secretary. - Hear, hear! 936 00:56:46,708 --> 00:56:47,958 Jacquelyn, is that you? 937 00:56:48,042 --> 00:56:49,500 - Where have you been? - I was kidnapped 938 00:56:49,583 --> 00:56:51,417 by Count Olaf's associates and tied to a tree 939 00:56:51,500 --> 00:56:54,042 before I could tell you that the Baudelaires' uncle, Dr. Montgomery, 940 00:56:54,125 --> 00:56:56,375 was designated by the parents as their legal guardian 941 00:56:56,458 --> 00:56:57,833 and has been waiting to hear from you. 942 00:56:57,917 --> 00:57:01,000 - Dr. Montgomery? - I've never heard of him. 943 00:57:01,583 --> 00:57:03,708 Well, you are hereby rehired as my secretary 944 00:57:03,792 --> 00:57:05,458 with an 8% increase in salary. 945 00:57:05,542 --> 00:57:08,000 The Baudelaires will be sent to a suitable guardian 946 00:57:08,083 --> 00:57:11,042 and this series of unfortunate events has come to a close. 947 00:57:12,708 --> 00:57:14,750 As for you, Count Olaf... 948 00:57:17,125 --> 00:57:21,583 I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do. 949 00:57:21,667 --> 00:57:23,125 And when I have it, 950 00:57:23,208 --> 00:57:29,458 I will tear you and your siblings from limb to limb. 951 00:57:29,542 --> 00:57:32,083 Not funny, guys. 952 00:57:33,667 --> 00:57:35,625 Olaf? Olaf? 953 00:57:36,458 --> 00:57:37,542 Olaf! 954 00:57:38,375 --> 00:57:39,500 He's escaped! 955 00:57:39,583 --> 00:57:43,208 Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear about this! 956 00:57:43,292 --> 00:57:45,250 You have to capture him! You have to go after him! 957 00:57:45,333 --> 00:57:47,500 You let the authorities worry about that. 958 00:57:47,583 --> 00:57:49,750 You children, come home with me. 959 00:57:49,833 --> 00:57:51,542 Sorry, but the children must come with me. 960 00:57:51,625 --> 00:57:54,958 I cannot allow the Baudelaires to be raised by someone who is not a relative. 961 00:57:55,042 --> 00:57:56,708 What? After all Justice Strauss has done for us? 962 00:57:56,792 --> 00:57:58,458 We never would've figured out Count Olaf's plan 963 00:57:58,542 --> 00:57:59,833 without Justice Strauss and her library. 964 00:57:59,917 --> 00:58:03,083 That may be so, but your parents' will is very specific. 965 00:58:03,167 --> 00:58:04,833 He's right. 966 00:58:04,917 --> 00:58:07,417 There's a vigorously fixed destination your parents had in mind for you, 967 00:58:07,500 --> 00:58:10,917 and it is not with Count Olaf or Justice Strauss. 968 00:58:16,458 --> 00:58:17,708 Well... 969 00:58:19,958 --> 00:58:21,208 goodbye, children. 970 00:58:22,333 --> 00:58:24,583 I'll miss you very much. 971 00:58:24,667 --> 00:58:26,208 We'll miss you, too. 972 00:58:31,208 --> 00:58:32,375 Come along, Baudelaires. 973 00:58:39,458 --> 00:58:41,042 Goodbye. 974 00:58:42,208 --> 00:58:43,250 Bye! 975 00:58:54,458 --> 00:58:58,250 - Where are we gonna go now, boss? - To a vigorously fixed destination. 976 00:59:07,333 --> 00:59:09,708 Some things in life are difficult to understand, 977 00:59:09,792 --> 00:59:12,083 even after years and years of thinking about 'em 978 00:59:12,166 --> 00:59:15,375 while wandering alone through desolate landscapes... 979 00:59:16,042 --> 00:59:17,417 usually during the off-season. 980 00:59:26,292 --> 00:59:29,500 Gustav, have the Baudelaires arrived at Dr. Montgomery's? 981 00:59:29,583 --> 00:59:32,583 Repeat. Have the Baudelaires arrived at Dr. Montgomery's? 982 00:59:32,667 --> 00:59:33,708 Not yet. 983 00:59:33,791 --> 00:59:36,666 But I'm literally standing at the edge of a pond. Ow! 984 00:59:39,833 --> 00:59:42,875 I have a lead on our missing parents. They're alive, but they've been-- 985 00:59:42,958 --> 00:59:45,125 The world is quiet here. 986 00:59:53,583 --> 00:59:54,833 Gustav? 987 00:59:56,833 --> 00:59:58,041 Gustav? 988 01:00:31,000 --> 01:00:32,875 The Baudelaires did not understand 989 01:00:32,958 --> 01:00:35,167 why they were now off toward an unknown relative 990 01:00:35,250 --> 01:00:37,417 instead of living with Justice Strauss. 991 01:00:40,958 --> 01:00:43,792 But as with so many unfortunate events in life, 992 01:00:43,875 --> 01:00:47,208 just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't so. 993 01:00:57,666 --> 01:01:01,750 Usually, our theatrical reviews are the most boring part of the paper. 994 01:01:01,833 --> 01:01:06,333 But I bet you little stage hogs are about to make the front page again. 995 01:01:06,417 --> 01:01:09,042 The front page! 996 01:01:10,208 --> 01:01:13,375 It seemed to the children that they were moving in an aberrant, 997 01:01:13,458 --> 01:01:18,083 a word which here means "very, very wrong, and causing much grief," direction. 998 01:01:27,000 --> 01:01:28,417 Things are worse than we thought. 999 01:01:28,500 --> 01:01:29,958 They almost always are. 1000 01:01:30,917 --> 01:01:34,000 Every moment the children are without us drags them deeper into danger. 1001 01:01:34,083 --> 01:01:35,583 Then we don't have a moment to lose. 1002 01:01:36,416 --> 01:01:38,625 What's a woman like you building in a place like this? 1003 01:01:39,292 --> 01:01:40,458 Grappling hook. 1004 01:01:41,125 --> 01:01:42,416 Molotov cocktail. 1005 01:01:43,250 --> 01:01:45,333 - You? - Leave no stone unturned.