1 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:45,879 AUTUMN SONATA 2 00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:39,034 Sometimes I stand looking at my wife 3 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:41,953 without her knowing I'm there. 4 00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:48,293 The first time she entered this room she said, 5 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:51,004 "Oh, how nice. I feel at home here." 6 00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:55,300 We hadn't known each other long. 7 00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:57,969 We met at a bishops' conference in Trondheim. 8 00:02:58,054 --> 00:03:01,056 She was there as a journalist. 9 00:03:02,058 --> 00:03:06,644 I told her about the parsonage out here. 10 00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:12,817 I ventured to suggest a visit when the conference was over. 11 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:18,782 On the way, I asked her to marry me. 12 00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:21,785 She didn't answer, 13 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:26,623 but, when we entered the room, she said, 14 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,751 "Oh, how nice. I feel at home here." 15 00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:37,258 Since then we've lived a quiet, happy life at the parsonage. 16 00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:41,179 Eva has, of course, told me about her earlier life. 17 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:46,518 After finishing school, she went on to college, 18 00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:52,023 got engaged to a doctor and lived with him for several years. 19 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:55,985 She wrote two small books, 20 00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:59,781 came down with tuberculosis, 21 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,866 broke off the engagement 22 00:04:01,951 --> 00:04:06,037 and moved from Oslo to a small town in the south of Norway 23 00:04:06,789 --> 00:04:09,666 where she began to work as a journalist. 24 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:15,213 This is the first of her books. I like it so much. 25 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,715 She has written... 26 00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:22,262 "One must learn to live. 27 00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:25,014 I practice every day. 28 00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:29,352 My biggest obstacle is I don't know who I am. 29 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:31,229 I grope blindly. 30 00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:34,983 If anyone ever loves me as I am, 31 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:38,486 I may dare at last to look at myself. 32 00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:44,576 For me, that possibility is fairly remote." 33 00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:53,251 I'd like to tell her just once 34 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:57,547 that she is loved wholeheartedly... 35 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:03,094 but I can't say it in a way that she'd believe. 36 00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,972 I can't find the right words. 37 00:05:33,209 --> 00:05:36,085 I've written to Mama. Am I interrupting? 38 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:38,213 No, no. Come in. 39 00:05:38,297 --> 00:05:42,217 I'll turn off the radio. - I can come back later. 40 00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:44,594 No, please read me the letter. 41 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,680 "Dearest Mama, 42 00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:50,308 I was in town yesterday and ran into Agnes, 43 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:54,312 who was visiting her parents. 44 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,773 She told me Leonardo had died. 45 00:05:57,525 --> 00:06:03,154 I know what a terrible blow this must be to you. 46 00:06:03,239 --> 00:06:05,406 I was wondering if you'd like to come visit us 47 00:06:05,491 --> 00:06:09,160 for a few days or weeks. 48 00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:13,331 Please don't say no right away. 49 00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:16,584 The parsonage is very spacious. 50 00:06:16,669 --> 00:06:20,004 You'll have your own room with all the conveniences. 51 00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:24,717 We have a piano, and you can practice all you want to. 52 00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:28,012 It would make a change from a hotel. 53 00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,890 Please say you'll come. 54 00:06:30,975 --> 00:06:35,228 We'll make a fuss over you and spoil you. 55 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:38,189 It's been ages since we saw each other, 56 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,525 seven years this October. 57 00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:43,778 Much love from Viktor and Eva." 58 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:46,614 - That's fine. - Are you sure? 59 00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:45,923 - Mama, darling! - Eva! Well, here I am. 60 00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:50,803 - I'm so glad you're here. - Yes, just imagine. 61 00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:53,765 It was a long trip. - Yes, I know. 62 00:07:53,849 --> 00:07:56,851 It's beautiful here. 63 00:07:56,935 --> 00:08:00,480 - I hope you'll stay a long time. - Indeed I will. 64 00:08:00,564 --> 00:08:05,693 - I can't believe you're here. - Let's go for a nice long walk. 65 00:08:05,778 --> 00:08:09,238 What heavy bags. Have you brought all your music? 66 00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:13,201 - Yes, I'm staying for good. - That would be nice. 67 00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:16,913 You'll give me some lessons, won't you? - Yes. 68 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,540 Where's Viktor? - He's not home at the moment. 69 00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:23,294 We didn't think you'd arrive so early. 70 00:08:24,046 --> 00:08:26,756 This is your room. - It's lovely. 71 00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:32,136 And what a beautiful view. - The bathroom's here. 72 00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:36,974 - How nice and modern. - Thank you. 73 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:41,562 - I hope one wardrobe is enough. - Everything's fine. 74 00:08:41,647 --> 00:08:43,439 I really am very tired. 75 00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,483 My back hurts. 76 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,820 I sat with Leonardo through his last day and night. 77 00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:52,448 He was in bad pain. They gave him shots every two hours. 78 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:57,453 Now and then he cried because it hurt. 79 00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,580 He wasn't afraid of dying. 80 00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:05,002 Outside the hospital, they were drilling and hammering. 81 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:10,133 The sun was blazing down, and there were no awnings. 82 00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:15,847 We tried to get another room, but many wards were closed for repairs. 83 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:20,560 Towards evening the noise stopped and I could open the window. 84 00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:25,773 The heat outside was like a wall, and not a breath of wind. 85 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,610 In the evening the doctor came. 86 00:09:29,695 --> 00:09:32,280 He's an old friend. 87 00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:36,576 He said it wouldn't be long. 88 00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:40,580 Leonardo would get a shot every half hour 89 00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:43,291 so he could die without pain. 90 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,878 Then the doctor left and the ward nurse came in. 91 00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:51,883 She said I should eat, but I wasn't hungry. 92 00:09:53,135 --> 00:09:55,553 The smell was making me sick. 93 00:09:58,474 --> 00:10:00,933 Leonardo dozed off... 94 00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:07,064 then woke up and asked me to leave the room. 95 00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:12,612 He called the night nurse, and she came in with a shot. 96 00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:18,910 A minute or two later, she came out and said... 97 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,913 Leonardo was dead. 98 00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:30,087 I sat with him all night. 99 00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:34,300 He had been my friend for 18 years. 100 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:39,388 We had lived together for 13 and had never had an angry word. 101 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:44,811 For two years, he had known he was ill and there was no hope. 102 00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:49,899 As often as I could, I went to see him at his villa near Naples. 103 00:10:52,236 --> 00:10:57,365 He was kind and thoughtful and happy about my success. 104 00:10:58,242 --> 00:11:02,620 We talked and joked and played chamber music. 105 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:09,252 He hardly ever spoke of his illness, and he wouldn't have liked me to ask. 106 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:53,212 One day he gave me a long look... 107 00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:57,508 then laughed and said... 108 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,972 "This time next year I'll be gone... 109 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:06,726 but I'll always be with you. 110 00:12:06,977 --> 00:12:09,520 I'll always be thinking of you." 111 00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:18,529 It was sweet of him to say so, but he was apt to be rather theatrical. 112 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:22,366 I can't say I go around grieving. 113 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,871 Of course he left a gap, but it's no good fretting. 114 00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:30,041 Do you think I've changed much? 115 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:32,168 You're just the same. 116 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,337 I dye my hair of course. 117 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:37,298 Leonardo doesn't like gray hair. Otherwise I'm the same, don't you think? 118 00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:39,508 I bought this outfit in Zurich. 119 00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,844 I wanted something comfortable for the trip. 120 00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:45,973 I saw it in a window, went in, tried it on, and it fit perfectly. 121 00:12:46,058 --> 00:12:47,975 It was so cheap. 122 00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:50,186 Don't you think it's nice? - Yes, very. 123 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:54,357 Will you help me with this case? My back's giving me hell. 124 00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,985 Do you have a board to put under the mattress? 125 00:12:58,070 --> 00:12:59,528 I need a hard surface. 126 00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:03,366 We put one there yesterday. - Wonderful. 127 00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:05,952 Eva, dear, what is it? 128 00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:09,205 Did I say something wrong? 129 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:12,333 I'm just so glad to see you. 130 00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:17,088 Give me a nice big hug, like you used to when you were little. 131 00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:22,093 I've done nothing but talk about myself. 132 00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:24,428 Tell me about you. 133 00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:28,099 How are things? - Oh, fine. 134 00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:31,727 Do you lead a very isolated life? 135 00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:34,772 No, we have our parish work. 136 00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,941 Yes, of course. 137 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,193 I often play the organ. 138 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:42,113 Last month I had a musical evening. 139 00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:47,535 I played and talked about each piece. 140 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:51,664 - I hope you'll play for me. - I'd love to. 141 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:55,459 I gave five school concerts in Los Angeles. 142 00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:57,211 3,000 children each time. 143 00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,505 I played and talked to them. 144 00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:02,883 I was a huge success. 145 00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:05,344 There's something I have to tell you. 146 00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:08,222 Helena is here. 147 00:14:17,733 --> 00:14:19,817 You should have told me. 148 00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:24,739 If I had, you wouldn't have come. 149 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:27,074 I'm sure I would have. 150 00:14:27,159 --> 00:14:29,076 And I'm sure you wouldn't have. 151 00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:32,121 Isn't Leonardo's death enough? 152 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:35,541 Why drag poor Lena here too? 153 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,836 She's been here for the last two years. 154 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:43,716 Viktor and I asked her if she'd like to live with us. 155 00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:49,096 I wrote to tell you. - I never got the letter. 156 00:14:49,181 --> 00:14:51,682 Or else you never bothered to read it. 157 00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:56,604 - Aren't you being rather unfair? - Yes. I'm sorry. 158 00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:02,526 I'm not up to seeing her. At any rate, not today. 159 00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:07,740 Helena is a wonderful person. 160 00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:10,284 She's longing to see you. 161 00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:14,121 It seemed so nice for her at that home. 162 00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:16,499 I wanted her with me. 163 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,334 Are you sure she's better off here? 164 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:22,213 Yes. And I have someone to look after. 165 00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:24,799 Has she – 166 00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,717 I mean is she – 167 00:15:26,802 --> 00:15:30,471 Is she worse? 168 00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:34,266 Oh, yes, she's worse. It's part of the disease. 169 00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:40,773 Come along then. Let's go and see her. 170 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,861 - Are you sure? - I have no choice. 171 00:15:48,824 --> 00:15:52,326 Some people are so naive. 172 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,995 - You mean me? - If the shoe fits. 173 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,914 Come on. Let's go. 174 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,055 Dear Lena! 175 00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:19,770 I've thought of you so often, every day. 176 00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:29,071 Helena is afraid of giving you her cold. 177 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:33,492 I haven't had a cold for 20 years. 178 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:38,581 What a lovely room you have, and what a view. 179 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,624 I have the same view from my room. 180 00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:56,724 Helena wants you to take her head in your hands. 181 00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:58,934 Like that? 182 00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:04,732 I'm so glad Eva's looking after you. 183 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:08,235 I thought you were still at that home. 184 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,030 I would have come to visit. 185 00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:13,490 But it's much better like this, isn't it? 186 00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:16,660 Now we can be together every day. 187 00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:20,748 Are you in pain? 188 00:17:22,334 --> 00:17:25,127 No. 189 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,924 I love how you've done your hair. 190 00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:41,352 It's in your honor. 191 00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:45,147 Suppose I read aloud to you? Would you like that? 192 00:17:46,191 --> 00:17:51,403 And we can go for a drive. I've never been around here before. 193 00:17:55,951 --> 00:17:56,951 What? 194 00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:59,286 Helena says you must be very tired 195 00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:02,039 and not to exert yourself any more today. 196 00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:14,134 Well done, Mama. 197 00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:18,055 Doesn't Lena have a wristwatch? - Of course. It's on the nightstand. 198 00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:20,349 I'll give you mine. 199 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:24,186 It was a gift from an admirer who said I was always late. 200 00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:29,566 Will Lena be having dinner with us? - No, she's on a diet. 201 00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:35,155 She ate far too much at the hospital. 202 00:18:40,996 --> 00:18:43,247 Why do I feel like I have a fever? 203 00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:46,083 Why do I want to cry? 204 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:51,964 I'm to be put to shame. That's the idea. 205 00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:56,468 A guilty conscience. Always a guilty conscience! 206 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:02,433 I was in such a hurry to get here. What was I expecting? 207 00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:07,021 What was I longing for so desperately? 208 00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:11,358 What an extraordinary mother. 209 00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:16,071 You should have seen her when I told her Lena was here. 210 00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:18,282 She actually smiled. 211 00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:20,784 Can you believe she actually managed to produce a smile 212 00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:23,412 despite her surprise and alarm. 213 00:19:23,955 --> 00:19:26,832 Then, as we stood outside Lena's door, 214 00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,084 she was like an actress waiting for her entrance, 215 00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,545 scared but in control. 216 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:34,006 The performance was superb. 217 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,259 Why on earth did she come here? 218 00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:41,347 What did she expect would happen after seven years? 219 00:19:41,431 --> 00:19:43,724 What did she expect? - I wonder. 220 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,684 And what did I expect? 221 00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:49,855 We never give up hope, do we? - I don't think so. 222 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:52,149 Don't we ever stop being mother and daughter? 223 00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:54,818 No use starting to cry. 224 00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:56,945 Damn it! 225 00:19:58,156 --> 00:20:01,158 There she sat, gazing at me with her big eyes. 226 00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:10,709 I held her face and felt the disease twitching at her throat muscles. 227 00:20:12,504 --> 00:20:14,254 Damn it! 228 00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:18,509 To think I can't carry her to my bed 229 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:21,220 and comfort her as I did when she was three. 230 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:32,106 That soft, torn body... 231 00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:36,652 that's my Lena. 232 00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:43,325 Don't cry, for Christ's sake. 233 00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:46,745 A writer whose name I've forgotten said, 234 00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:50,833 "It's like a ghost falling on top of you 235 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,127 when you open the door to the nursery 236 00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:56,630 having long since forgotten it is the nursery." 237 00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,758 Do you think I'm an adult? 238 00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:06,348 I guess being an adult is being able to handle your dreams and hopes, 239 00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:08,225 not longing for things. 240 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,352 Do you think so? 241 00:21:11,062 --> 00:21:13,313 Maybe you stop being surprised. 242 00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:18,694 You look so sensible with your old pipe. 243 00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:20,696 You're very adult. 244 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:24,700 I don't know. I'm surprised every day. 245 00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:27,286 - At what? - At you. 246 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:32,416 And I have the most unreasonable dreams and hopes. 247 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,586 And a longing too, come to that. 248 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,505 - A longing? - Yes. I long for you. 249 00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:41,925 Those are very pretty words. 250 00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:44,720 Words don't mean anything real. 251 00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:47,639 I was brought up with beautiful words. 252 00:21:48,057 --> 00:21:52,769 Mama is never furious or disappointed or unhappy. 253 00:21:52,854 --> 00:21:54,771 She is "pained." 254 00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:57,608 You have a lot of words like that too. 255 00:21:58,109 --> 00:22:00,944 It's kind of an occupational disease. 256 00:22:01,779 --> 00:22:06,825 If you long for me when I'm here, I'll start getting suspicious. 257 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:09,995 - You know what I mean. - No. 258 00:22:10,371 --> 00:22:14,625 If I knew, it would never have entered your head to say you long for me. 259 00:22:15,418 --> 00:22:18,629 I have to check the veal roast. 260 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,674 Mama thinks I'm a hopeless cook. She's a real glutton. 261 00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:25,469 - I think you're a – - ...wonderful cook. 262 00:22:25,553 --> 00:22:26,553 Thank you. 263 00:22:28,473 --> 00:22:31,808 And she's having decaffeinated coffee. 264 00:22:32,644 --> 00:22:34,436 I'll cut my visit short. 265 00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:37,022 I can manage four days. 266 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:40,526 Then I'll go to Africa as I had originally planned. 267 00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:48,283 This hurts, Charlotte. 268 00:22:48,910 --> 00:22:50,744 It hurts, hurts, hurts. 269 00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:54,957 I've often wondered why she sleeps badly. 270 00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:56,750 Now I know. 271 00:22:56,834 --> 00:23:01,421 If that woman slept normally, her vitality would crush everyone. 272 00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:06,843 Her insomnia is nature's way of using up the surplus energy. 273 00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:12,891 I'll put on my red dress just to spite Eva. 274 00:23:12,976 --> 00:23:17,354 I'm sure she thinks I ought to be in mourning. 275 00:23:19,857 --> 00:23:22,442 Watch how carefully she dresses for dinner. 276 00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:29,575 Her dress will be a discreet reminder that she's a lonely widow. 277 00:23:30,868 --> 00:23:33,287 I'm angry all the time. 278 00:23:33,371 --> 00:23:37,457 Viktor and Eva have been sweet to me. 279 00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:39,793 Viktor's a kind soul. 280 00:23:39,877 --> 00:23:42,921 Lucky for Eva, the crybaby. 281 00:23:43,715 --> 00:23:46,008 I'll bet the shower doesn't work. 282 00:23:47,135 --> 00:23:48,218 Yes, it does. 283 00:24:02,150 --> 00:24:05,902 - What a lovely dress! - Does it suit me? 284 00:24:05,987 --> 00:24:10,157 One day I met a friend who said, 285 00:24:10,241 --> 00:24:12,659 "I've just come from a fashion show. 286 00:24:12,744 --> 00:24:15,746 There was a divine red dress that's absolutely you." 287 00:24:15,830 --> 00:24:17,664 To your health, Charlotte. 288 00:24:17,749 --> 00:24:20,167 We're delighted to have you with us. 289 00:24:49,947 --> 00:24:53,575 Eva, see if I left my glasses on the table. 290 00:25:02,585 --> 00:25:04,127 Thank you, darling. 291 00:26:10,111 --> 00:26:12,821 That was my agent. He's so sweet. 292 00:26:12,905 --> 00:26:15,031 He's the only friend I have left. 293 00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:17,993 You remember old Paul, Eva. 294 00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:20,287 We've worked together for 30 years now. 295 00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:24,082 What a fine old instrument. 296 00:26:24,167 --> 00:26:27,711 What a lovely tone. And just tuned. 297 00:26:28,212 --> 00:26:30,130 Now I'm really happy. 298 00:26:31,674 --> 00:26:34,468 I didn't need to worry. - What do you mean, Mama? 299 00:26:34,552 --> 00:26:38,722 I was nervous, seeing you again after so many years. 300 00:26:38,806 --> 00:26:41,016 I nearly didn't come. 301 00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:42,976 No sugar, please. 302 00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:47,230 This strange coffee is a bore, but what can I do when I can't sleep? 303 00:26:48,608 --> 00:26:51,026 I see you're working on the Chopin preludes. 304 00:26:51,527 --> 00:26:53,820 Play something. - Not now. 305 00:26:53,905 --> 00:26:57,491 Don't be childish. 306 00:26:57,575 --> 00:26:59,910 You'd give me great pleasure. 307 00:26:59,994 --> 00:27:04,080 But you wanted your mother to hear you play. 308 00:27:04,165 --> 00:27:08,627 But it's all a sham. I have no technique. 309 00:27:08,711 --> 00:27:13,715 I haven't even bothered to learn the fingering. 310 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,260 Darling, no more excuses. Come on, now, play. 311 00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:13,293 Eva, my dearest. 312 00:29:14,962 --> 00:29:18,548 - Is that all? - I was just so moved. 313 00:29:19,383 --> 00:29:21,384 - Did you like it? - I liked you. 314 00:29:22,845 --> 00:29:26,723 - I don't understand. - Play something else. 315 00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:29,517 - What was wrong with it? - Nothing. 316 00:29:30,603 --> 00:29:33,939 You didn't like my interpretation. 317 00:29:34,023 --> 00:29:37,859 - We each have our own. - Exactly. 318 00:29:37,944 --> 00:29:39,861 I want to know yours. 319 00:29:39,946 --> 00:29:43,823 - You're annoyed. - No, I'm upset. 320 00:29:43,908 --> 00:29:47,827 You won't tell me your interpretation of this prelude. 321 00:29:47,912 --> 00:29:49,913 All right, if you insist. 322 00:29:51,415 --> 00:29:55,126 Your technique wasn't bad at all, 323 00:29:55,211 --> 00:29:59,005 though you might have taken more interest in Cortot's fingering, 324 00:29:59,090 --> 00:30:04,427 but let's just talk about the conception. 325 00:30:05,096 --> 00:30:09,557 Chopin was emotional, but not sentimental. 326 00:30:09,642 --> 00:30:12,727 Feeling is very far from sentimentality. 327 00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:18,942 The prelude tells of pain, not reverie. 328 00:30:19,151 --> 00:30:23,029 You have to be calm, clear and harsh. 329 00:30:23,114 --> 00:30:25,115 Take the first bars now. 330 00:30:27,952 --> 00:30:31,162 It hurts, but he doesn't show it. 331 00:30:32,623 --> 00:30:34,749 Then a short relief. 332 00:30:37,837 --> 00:30:44,926 But it evaporates immediately, and the pain is the same. 333 00:30:49,098 --> 00:30:51,641 Total restraint the whole time. 334 00:30:52,727 --> 00:30:59,774 Chopin was proud, passionate, tormented and very manly. 335 00:30:59,859 --> 00:31:02,068 He wasn't a sentimental old woman. 336 00:31:02,319 --> 00:31:06,281 This prelude must sound almost ugly. 337 00:31:06,365 --> 00:31:09,993 It is never ingratiating. It should sound wrong. 338 00:31:10,077 --> 00:31:13,913 You have to battle your way through it and emerge triumphant. 339 00:31:14,498 --> 00:31:17,250 Like this. 340 00:33:52,990 --> 00:33:54,824 I see. 341 00:33:56,493 --> 00:33:58,786 Don't be annoyed with me. 342 00:33:58,871 --> 00:34:01,873 Why would I be? On the contrary. 343 00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:05,543 For 45 years I've worked at these terrible preludes. 344 00:34:06,045 --> 00:34:10,131 They still contain a lot of secrets. 345 00:34:11,926 --> 00:34:14,552 When I was little, I admired you so much. 346 00:34:15,304 --> 00:34:18,640 Then I got pretty tired of you and your pianos. 347 00:34:19,934 --> 00:34:23,269 Now I admire you again, but in a different way. 348 00:34:24,021 --> 00:34:27,357 - Then there's some hope. - Yes, I guess so. 349 00:34:42,498 --> 00:34:45,416 - Where are you? - I'm up here, Mama. 350 00:34:53,634 --> 00:34:58,054 I've changed, so we can go for a walk if you like. 351 00:34:58,555 --> 00:35:01,599 Is this the nursery? - Yes, it's Erik's room. 352 00:35:03,060 --> 00:35:06,020 Why would you keep it this way? 353 00:35:06,105 --> 00:35:10,191 We've often talked about changing it. 354 00:35:10,901 --> 00:35:15,697 Sometimes I come and sit here and let my thoughts wander. 355 00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:17,740 - Let's go. - Wait, Mama. 356 00:35:18,367 --> 00:35:20,493 Just feel how nice it is in here. 357 00:35:23,372 --> 00:35:26,749 Erik drowned the day before his fourth birthday. 358 00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,751 But you know that. 359 00:35:29,378 --> 00:35:33,506 It was too much for Viktor. 360 00:35:33,590 --> 00:35:36,676 I grieved a lot, outwardly. 361 00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:40,513 Deep inside, I felt like he was still alive, 362 00:35:41,098 --> 00:35:43,808 that we were living close to each other. 363 00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:48,604 All I have to do is concentrate, and he's there. 364 00:35:49,398 --> 00:35:55,111 Sometimes, as I'm falling asleep I can feel him breathing on my face 365 00:35:55,446 --> 00:35:58,239 and touching me with his hand. 366 00:35:59,199 --> 00:36:02,827 He's living another life, but we can reach one another. 367 00:36:02,911 --> 00:36:06,289 There's no dividing line, no insurmountable wall. 368 00:36:07,541 --> 00:36:12,879 I wonder what reality looks like where my little boy is living. 369 00:36:12,963 --> 00:36:16,049 I know it can't be described. 370 00:36:16,133 --> 00:36:20,053 It's a world of liberated feelings. 371 00:36:21,013 --> 00:36:22,805 Do you know what I mean? 372 00:36:23,307 --> 00:36:29,687 To me, man is a tremendous creation, an inconceivable thought. 373 00:36:30,022 --> 00:36:34,484 In man, there is everything, from the highest to the lowest. 374 00:36:34,568 --> 00:36:38,863 Man is God's image, and in God there is everything. 375 00:36:39,823 --> 00:36:42,367 So human beings are created, 376 00:36:43,077 --> 00:36:46,245 but also the demons and the saints, 377 00:36:46,330 --> 00:36:50,583 the prophets and artists and iconoclasts. 378 00:36:50,667 --> 00:36:52,710 Everything exists side by side. 379 00:36:52,795 --> 00:36:57,215 It's like huge patterns changing all the time. 380 00:36:57,299 --> 00:36:59,008 Do you know what I mean? 381 00:36:59,093 --> 00:37:03,971 In the same way, there must also be countless realities. 382 00:37:04,264 --> 00:37:07,850 Not only the reality we perceive with our dull senses, 383 00:37:07,935 --> 00:37:15,024 but a tumult of realities arching above each other inside and outside. 384 00:37:16,026 --> 00:37:19,362 It's just fear and priggishness to believe in limits. 385 00:37:20,531 --> 00:37:22,407 There are no limits. 386 00:37:23,117 --> 00:37:27,286 Neither for thoughts nor for feelings. 387 00:37:28,747 --> 00:37:33,960 It's anxiety that sets limits, don't you think so? 388 00:37:34,545 --> 00:37:39,298 When you play the slow movement of the Hammerklavier sonata, 389 00:37:39,383 --> 00:37:44,220 you must feel like you're living in a world without limitations, 390 00:37:44,430 --> 00:37:49,725 in a movement you can never see through or explore. 391 00:37:51,895 --> 00:37:54,772 Let's go for a walk before it gets too dark. 392 00:37:56,567 --> 00:37:57,233 Yes. 393 00:38:19,923 --> 00:38:22,717 I thought I heard Helena calling. 394 00:38:22,801 --> 00:38:24,510 Excuse me. 395 00:38:26,597 --> 00:38:31,017 I think Eva is terribly unhappy. 396 00:38:31,101 --> 00:38:36,189 I'm appalled when I hear her rambling on. It's so neurotic. 397 00:38:36,273 --> 00:38:38,983 Just a moment, Charlotte, 398 00:38:39,318 --> 00:38:43,863 and I'll try to explain how I see my wife. 399 00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:51,329 When I asked Eva to marry me, she said she didn't love me. 400 00:38:51,413 --> 00:38:55,750 - What do you mean? - I asked if she loved someone else. 401 00:38:56,293 --> 00:39:00,171 She said she had never loved anyone, 402 00:39:00,589 --> 00:39:03,591 that she was incapable of loving. 403 00:39:07,596 --> 00:39:11,224 Eva and I lived here for several years. 404 00:39:12,643 --> 00:39:15,144 Then Erik was born. 405 00:39:15,521 --> 00:39:18,898 We'd given up hope of a child of our own 406 00:39:18,982 --> 00:39:22,068 and had talked about adopting one. 407 00:39:22,152 --> 00:39:28,157 With her pregnancy, Eva underwent a complete change. 408 00:39:29,159 --> 00:39:34,372 She became cheerful, gentle and outgoing. 409 00:39:36,333 --> 00:39:37,917 She got lazy. 410 00:39:38,001 --> 00:39:42,838 She lost interest in her parish work and her piano playing. 411 00:39:42,923 --> 00:39:45,258 She would sit by that window, 412 00:39:45,342 --> 00:39:48,844 gazing at the play of light over the mountains and fjords. 413 00:39:51,723 --> 00:39:53,808 We were suddenly very happy. 414 00:39:55,018 --> 00:39:58,187 I'm much older than Eva. 415 00:39:58,397 --> 00:40:03,943 I felt as if a gray film were settling over life. 416 00:40:04,027 --> 00:40:07,321 I felt as if I could look back and say, 417 00:40:07,406 --> 00:40:11,367 "Well, well, so that was my life. That's how it all turned out." 418 00:40:16,873 --> 00:40:21,836 But suddenly things were different. 419 00:40:27,384 --> 00:40:31,929 Please forgive me, but it's still rather hard to – 420 00:40:36,977 --> 00:40:41,647 Yes. We had some years that were very rich. 421 00:40:42,608 --> 00:40:44,358 Erik. 422 00:40:47,988 --> 00:40:50,281 You should have seen Eva. 423 00:40:50,365 --> 00:40:51,991 You really should have seen her. 424 00:40:52,075 --> 00:40:58,706 At the time of Erik's birth, I was recording all the Mozart sonatas. 425 00:40:58,790 --> 00:41:01,626 I couldn't get one day off. - No. 426 00:41:01,710 --> 00:41:04,879 We invited you over and over again. 427 00:41:06,757 --> 00:41:10,384 When Erik drowned, that gray film got even grayer. 428 00:41:11,595 --> 00:41:15,264 For Eva, it was different. 429 00:41:15,807 --> 00:41:21,270 - Different? - Her feeling lives on, uncorroded. 430 00:41:21,897 --> 00:41:23,689 Or so it seems anyway. 431 00:41:25,442 --> 00:41:32,948 If she feels that her son is alive and near her, 432 00:41:34,159 --> 00:41:36,577 well, perhaps that's how it is. 433 00:41:37,287 --> 00:41:39,413 She seldom speaks of it. 434 00:41:39,915 --> 00:41:44,710 I guess she's afraid it might upset me, as indeed it would. 435 00:41:46,088 --> 00:41:49,006 But what she says sounds true enough. 436 00:41:50,300 --> 00:41:51,926 I believe her. 437 00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:55,096 Yes, you're a minister. 438 00:41:55,389 --> 00:41:58,724 The little faith I have lives on her terms. 439 00:41:59,810 --> 00:42:01,811 I'm sorry if I hurt you. 440 00:42:01,895 --> 00:42:04,063 It doesn't matter. 441 00:42:04,147 --> 00:42:07,900 Unlike you and Eva, I'm confused and uncertain. 442 00:42:07,984 --> 00:42:09,068 It's my own fault. 443 00:42:09,152 --> 00:42:13,322 I think I'll take a nice dose of sleeping pills tonight. 444 00:42:17,661 --> 00:42:21,872 It's so peaceful here, only the hiss of the rain on the roof. 445 00:42:22,958 --> 00:42:26,085 - Do you have everything you need? - Couldn't be better. 446 00:42:26,169 --> 00:42:30,214 Cookies, mineral water, a tape recorder, 447 00:42:30,298 --> 00:42:32,091 two detective novels, 448 00:42:32,175 --> 00:42:37,054 my blindfold, earplugs, my spare pillow and my travel blanket. 449 00:42:37,681 --> 00:42:41,142 Would you like to taste my delicious Swiss chocolate? Fresh from Zurich. 450 00:42:41,226 --> 00:42:43,352 Help yourself. You can have two pieces. 451 00:42:43,687 --> 00:42:45,980 I don't like chocolate. 452 00:42:46,064 --> 00:42:50,067 I seem to remember you were crazy about candy as a child. 453 00:42:50,819 --> 00:42:52,945 Helena liked it. I didn't. 454 00:42:53,029 --> 00:42:55,698 Good, all the more for me. 455 00:42:56,074 --> 00:42:58,451 - Good night, Mama. - Good night, my pet. 456 00:42:58,535 --> 00:43:01,620 Viktor is a wonderful person. 457 00:43:01,705 --> 00:43:04,665 You must take care of him. - I do. 458 00:43:04,750 --> 00:43:09,211 Eva, darling, are you happy together? 459 00:43:09,629 --> 00:43:11,297 Do you get along? 460 00:43:11,381 --> 00:43:13,215 Viktor is my best friend. 461 00:43:13,300 --> 00:43:16,343 I can't imagine life without him. 462 00:43:17,095 --> 00:43:19,764 He said you didn't love him. 463 00:43:20,432 --> 00:43:22,266 - Did he say that? - Yes. 464 00:43:22,350 --> 00:43:25,853 Why? - Oh, it's just surprising. 465 00:43:26,396 --> 00:43:28,230 Was it a secret? 466 00:43:29,858 --> 00:43:33,819 But he shouldn't have said it? - He's not the confiding type. 467 00:43:33,904 --> 00:43:36,280 We were talking about you. 468 00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:40,618 If you want to know anything, ask me. I'll tell you the truth. 469 00:43:40,702 --> 00:43:43,454 Now, don't get upset. 470 00:43:43,538 --> 00:43:47,750 A mother naturally worries about her daughter. 471 00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:51,712 We spoke of you with the greatest affection. 472 00:43:52,422 --> 00:43:55,925 If only you'd leave people alone. 473 00:43:56,009 --> 00:43:58,969 I've left you alone far too long. 474 00:43:59,596 --> 00:44:02,807 - You're right. - Give me a hug. 475 00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:05,935 Promise you're not angry. - I'm not. 476 00:44:06,019 --> 00:44:09,271 - I love you, don't you see? - I love you too. 477 00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:13,609 It's not much fun being alone all the time. 478 00:44:14,236 --> 00:44:16,695 I envy you and Viktor. 479 00:44:17,447 --> 00:44:22,201 Now that Leonardo's dead, I'm so lonely. 480 00:44:23,370 --> 00:44:25,621 Do you understand? - Yes. 481 00:44:25,705 --> 00:44:29,416 I'll start weeping with self-pity any minute. 482 00:44:29,793 --> 00:44:32,545 This book isn't bad. 483 00:44:32,629 --> 00:44:36,173 It's by Adam Kretzinsky. Have you heard of him? 484 00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:40,261 I met him in Madrid. He's mad as a hatter. 485 00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:43,806 I couldn't defend myself. In fact, I didn't. 486 00:44:44,641 --> 00:44:48,352 - Should I turn off this light? - Yes, please. 487 00:44:50,564 --> 00:44:53,607 - I'll bring you your breakfast. - Don't trouble yourself. 488 00:44:53,692 --> 00:44:57,528 - But I want to spoil you. - Very well, if you insist. 489 00:44:58,405 --> 00:45:03,450 Strong coffee, hot milk, two slices of German bread with cheese, 490 00:45:03,535 --> 00:45:07,413 one slice of toast with honey. 491 00:45:07,497 --> 00:45:10,583 - And orange juice. - I nearly forgot. 492 00:45:10,667 --> 00:45:12,793 - I can – - Juice it will be. 493 00:45:12,878 --> 00:45:16,463 - Good night, darling. - Good night, Mama. 494 00:45:40,113 --> 00:45:43,240 I think I'll have a look at my accounts. 495 00:45:44,034 --> 00:45:47,745 I'll have Brammer invest the money from Leonardo. 496 00:45:49,748 --> 00:45:52,625 The house is worth quite a bit too. 497 00:45:52,709 --> 00:45:56,295 Leonardo, you never looked after your money. 498 00:45:56,379 --> 00:45:58,797 You were above mundane worries... 499 00:45:59,799 --> 00:46:02,343 and left all these problems to your Charlotte. 500 00:46:03,887 --> 00:46:10,726 3,735,866 francs. 501 00:46:12,771 --> 00:46:16,273 To think you had so much money. Who'd have thought it? 502 00:46:19,361 --> 00:46:22,488 And you left it all to your old Charlotte. 503 00:46:25,492 --> 00:46:27,910 I've got a little nest egg too. 504 00:46:30,246 --> 00:46:33,499 Together, it comes to over five million. 505 00:46:34,376 --> 00:46:36,669 What am I going to do with so much money? 506 00:46:37,212 --> 00:46:40,756 I'll buy a nice car for Viktor and Eva. 507 00:46:41,091 --> 00:46:45,219 They can't drive around in that old rattletrap. 508 00:46:45,303 --> 00:46:48,597 On Monday we'll go into town and look for a new car. 509 00:46:49,349 --> 00:46:51,892 It'll cheer them up. Me too. 510 00:46:54,062 --> 00:46:59,274 "She offered him the red flower of her virginity. 511 00:46:59,359 --> 00:47:02,778 He accepted it without enthusiasm." 512 00:47:04,948 --> 00:47:08,784 This is trash. 513 00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:13,706 Adam was really quite an idiot, 514 00:47:13,790 --> 00:47:16,917 even if he did nearly commit suicide because of me. 515 00:47:21,131 --> 00:47:25,843 Supposing I buy a new car for myself and give them the Mercedes? 516 00:47:27,512 --> 00:47:30,139 Then I can fly to Paris 517 00:47:30,557 --> 00:47:32,474 and buy a car there, 518 00:47:33,309 --> 00:47:36,812 and I won't have to drive all that way. 519 00:47:37,731 --> 00:47:40,482 Tomorrow, I have to work on Ravel. 520 00:47:40,984 --> 00:47:47,197 It's disgraceful how lazy I've been lately. 521 00:48:44,380 --> 00:48:47,049 Mama, what happened? 522 00:48:47,550 --> 00:48:51,303 I heard you call out, and you weren't in your room. 523 00:48:51,387 --> 00:48:56,600 I'm sorry I woke you, but I had such a horrible dream. 524 00:48:57,393 --> 00:48:59,436 I can't remember it. 525 00:48:59,521 --> 00:49:03,065 - Do you want some company? - No, thank you, dear. 526 00:49:03,399 --> 00:49:08,070 You go back to bed. - Very well. 527 00:49:11,741 --> 00:49:15,077 - You do like me, don't you? - You're my mother. 528 00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:18,747 That's one way of answering. 529 00:49:28,591 --> 00:49:31,510 - Do you like me? - I love you. 530 00:49:31,594 --> 00:49:33,387 Do you? 531 00:49:33,847 --> 00:49:38,517 I broke off my career to stay at home with you and Papa. 532 00:49:38,601 --> 00:49:44,022 Your back prevented you from practicing six hours a day. 533 00:49:44,107 --> 00:49:48,152 Your playing got worse and so did your reviews. 534 00:49:48,862 --> 00:49:52,156 Have you forgotten that? - No, but Eva – 535 00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:53,866 I don't know which I hated more, 536 00:49:53,950 --> 00:49:57,619 when you were at home or when you were on tour. 537 00:49:58,788 --> 00:50:02,708 I realize now you made life hell for Papa and me. 538 00:50:02,792 --> 00:50:06,003 Eva, sweetheart, that's not true. Your father and I were very happy. 539 00:50:06,087 --> 00:50:09,298 Josef loved me, and I'd have done anything for him. 540 00:50:09,382 --> 00:50:11,383 Yes, of course. 541 00:50:11,801 --> 00:50:15,012 You were unfaithful to him. - I was not! 542 00:50:15,638 --> 00:50:18,348 I was quite honest with Josef. 543 00:50:18,892 --> 00:50:22,102 I fell in love with Martin and lived with him for eight months. 544 00:50:23,479 --> 00:50:25,981 It wasn't a bed of roses. 545 00:50:26,065 --> 00:50:29,276 I was the one who had to sit with Papa in the evenings. 546 00:50:29,694 --> 00:50:31,862 I was the one who had to comfort him, 547 00:50:31,946 --> 00:50:35,741 to keep repeating that you did love him just the same, 548 00:50:35,825 --> 00:50:38,827 that you were sure to come back. 549 00:50:40,538 --> 00:50:42,998 I read your letters out loud, 550 00:50:43,333 --> 00:50:46,835 your long, loving, amusing letters 551 00:50:47,337 --> 00:50:51,340 in which you told us of your interesting travels. 552 00:50:52,884 --> 00:50:59,097 We sat there like two idiots, reading your letters over and over. 553 00:50:59,182 --> 00:51:02,351 We thought you were the most wonderful person alive. 554 00:51:03,478 --> 00:51:07,689 You hate me. 555 00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:14,655 I don't know. 556 00:51:15,490 --> 00:51:19,368 I was so excited that you were coming. 557 00:51:19,452 --> 00:51:21,828 I don't know what I was imagining. 558 00:51:22,914 --> 00:51:25,374 Maybe I thought you were lonely and sad. 559 00:51:26,542 --> 00:51:28,752 I'm so confused! 560 00:51:29,754 --> 00:51:31,255 I thought I was an adult 561 00:51:31,339 --> 00:51:37,094 and could look clearly at you and me and Helena's illness and our childhood. 562 00:51:39,681 --> 00:51:42,391 Now it's all one big mess. 563 00:51:43,393 --> 00:51:45,060 Helena. 564 00:52:02,412 --> 00:52:03,954 It's all right now. 565 00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:06,581 Wake up. Wake up now. 566 00:52:06,666 --> 00:52:08,458 There, there. 567 00:52:15,466 --> 00:52:19,219 I'll sit here with you until you go to sleep. 568 00:53:25,703 --> 00:53:29,873 For you, I was just a doll you played with when you had time. 569 00:53:31,793 --> 00:53:36,171 If I was sick or naughty, you handed me over to the nanny. 570 00:53:38,174 --> 00:53:40,967 You shut yourself in and worked, 571 00:53:41,386 --> 00:53:43,678 and no one was allowed to disturb you. 572 00:53:44,180 --> 00:53:46,556 I used to stand outside, listening. 573 00:53:47,517 --> 00:53:52,187 When you stopped for coffee, I'd go in to see if you really existed. 574 00:53:53,189 --> 00:53:57,192 You were always kind, but your mind was elsewhere. 575 00:53:58,444 --> 00:54:01,279 If I spoke, you barely answered. 576 00:54:02,657 --> 00:54:04,366 Thank you. 577 00:54:24,387 --> 00:54:26,388 Mama wants to be left alone now. 578 00:54:26,472 --> 00:54:29,182 Run along and play outside. It's such a lovely day. 579 00:54:45,074 --> 00:54:47,909 I always wanted to be beautiful like you. 580 00:54:48,995 --> 00:54:53,999 I always worried that you wouldn't like the way I looked. 581 00:54:55,418 --> 00:54:57,127 I was so ugly, 582 00:54:57,712 --> 00:55:00,922 lean and angular with big cow's eyes, 583 00:55:01,007 --> 00:55:05,135 big wide lips and no eyebrows. 584 00:55:05,970 --> 00:55:09,514 My arms were too thin and my feet too big. 585 00:55:09,599 --> 00:55:11,766 I thought I looked repulsive. 586 00:55:13,603 --> 00:55:17,647 Once you said, "You should have been a boy," 587 00:55:18,149 --> 00:55:21,610 and laughed so I wouldn't be upset. 588 00:55:21,694 --> 00:55:23,195 I was, of course. 589 00:55:24,322 --> 00:55:28,200 Then, one day, your suitcases would be downstairs, 590 00:55:28,284 --> 00:55:32,454 and you'd be talking on the phone in a foreign language. 591 00:55:33,289 --> 00:55:37,959 I used to pray that something would stop you from leaving, 592 00:55:38,961 --> 00:55:40,795 but you always went. 593 00:55:41,881 --> 00:55:45,717 You'd hug me and kiss me, 594 00:55:45,801 --> 00:55:48,512 then hug and kiss me again. 595 00:55:48,596 --> 00:55:50,889 You'd look at me and smile. 596 00:55:51,432 --> 00:55:54,726 You smelled nice but strange. 597 00:55:55,019 --> 00:55:58,563 You yourself were a stranger, already on your way. 598 00:55:58,648 --> 00:56:00,607 You didn't see me. 599 00:56:01,817 --> 00:56:03,693 Then you'd be gone. 600 00:56:04,779 --> 00:56:08,114 I used to think, "Now I'll die. 601 00:56:08,199 --> 00:56:10,158 It hurts so much. 602 00:56:10,493 --> 00:56:12,327 I'll never be happy again. 603 00:56:13,246 --> 00:56:17,499 How can I bear this pain for two months?" 604 00:56:28,553 --> 00:56:31,179 And I'd cry in Papa's lap. 605 00:56:31,264 --> 00:56:36,351 He'd sit very still with his soft hand on my head. 606 00:56:36,769 --> 00:56:42,357 He'd keep on sitting there, smoking his old pipe. 607 00:56:43,359 --> 00:56:48,029 Sometimes he'd say, "Let's go to a movie this evening," 608 00:56:49,031 --> 00:56:51,616 or "What about ice cream for dinner today?" 609 00:56:53,369 --> 00:56:56,830 But I just wanted to die. 610 00:57:01,294 --> 00:57:04,212 So the days and weeks passed. 611 00:57:04,922 --> 00:57:07,549 We shared the loneliness very well. 612 00:57:09,051 --> 00:57:14,180 We didn't have much to say, but I never disturbed him. 613 00:57:15,933 --> 00:57:17,434 Sometimes he'd look worried. 614 00:57:17,518 --> 00:57:21,479 I didn't know then that he was always short of money. 615 00:57:21,564 --> 00:57:27,027 But whenever I'd come clumping along, his face would brighten, 616 00:57:27,111 --> 00:57:31,406 and he'd pat me with his pale little hand. 617 00:57:32,575 --> 00:57:37,495 Or else Uncle Otto would be sitting on the sofa, drinking brandy. 618 00:57:38,414 --> 00:57:41,082 They'd mumble to each other. 619 00:57:41,500 --> 00:57:44,002 I wonder if they could hear each other. 620 00:57:45,087 --> 00:57:49,090 Or else Uncle Harry would be there and they'd play chess, 621 00:57:50,259 --> 00:57:53,887 and then it'd be extra quiet. 622 00:57:55,056 --> 00:57:58,975 I could hear three different clocks ticking. 623 00:58:02,855 --> 00:58:05,273 A few days before you were due home, 624 00:58:05,941 --> 00:58:09,152 I'd get a fever from the excitement. 625 00:58:09,236 --> 00:58:14,282 I'd worry I might really get sick, because you were afraid of sick people. 626 00:58:16,369 --> 00:58:22,415 When you did come, I was so happy I couldn't say anything. 627 00:58:22,958 --> 00:58:25,710 You'd get impatient and say, 628 00:58:25,795 --> 00:58:29,798 "Eva doesn't seem very pleased to have her mother home again." 629 00:58:30,883 --> 00:58:36,054 I'd blush red as a beet and break out in a sweat. 630 00:58:36,847 --> 00:58:38,890 I couldn't say anything. 631 00:58:39,392 --> 00:58:41,643 I had no words. 632 00:58:42,853 --> 00:58:46,731 You had taken charge of all the words in our home. 633 00:58:47,191 --> 00:58:50,652 - You're exaggerating. - I must finish speaking. 634 00:58:50,945 --> 00:58:55,824 I know I'm tipsy, but otherwise I wouldn't have said what I have. 635 00:58:56,409 --> 00:59:01,996 When I'm too ashamed to say any more, you can explain, 636 00:59:02,498 --> 00:59:07,836 and I'll listen and understand, just as I've always done. 637 00:59:12,508 --> 00:59:14,634 I loved you, Mama. 638 00:59:15,386 --> 00:59:19,305 As a matter of life and death! But I distrusted your words. 639 00:59:20,349 --> 00:59:23,226 They didn't match the expression in your eyes. 640 00:59:24,186 --> 00:59:25,687 You have a beautiful voice. 641 00:59:25,771 --> 00:59:29,816 When I was little, I could feel it all over my body. 642 00:59:30,109 --> 00:59:34,279 But I knew instinctively you didn't mean what you said. 643 00:59:36,532 --> 00:59:39,200 I couldn't understand your words. 644 00:59:41,662 --> 00:59:45,707 The most horrible thing was, you'd smile when you were mad. 645 00:59:46,083 --> 00:59:50,545 When you hated Papa, you'd call him, "my dearest." 646 00:59:51,630 --> 00:59:56,509 When you were tired of me, you'd say, "darling little girl." 647 01:00:12,777 --> 01:00:14,694 It's gotten quiet in here. 648 01:00:16,489 --> 01:00:18,198 What can I say? 649 01:00:19,575 --> 01:00:22,076 Defend yourself. 650 01:00:22,411 --> 01:00:24,579 Is it worth the effort? 651 01:00:25,831 --> 01:00:27,332 How would I know? 652 01:00:27,416 --> 01:00:31,711 You reproach me for leaving, and you reproach me for staying home. 653 01:00:33,088 --> 01:00:37,258 I had a hell of a time those years. 654 01:00:38,928 --> 01:00:41,012 My back hurt. I couldn't practice. 655 01:00:41,096 --> 01:00:45,266 Important engagements were canceled. 656 01:00:45,726 --> 01:00:48,353 My life seemed meaningless. 657 01:00:48,437 --> 01:00:53,650 I felt guilty about always being away from you and Papa. 658 01:00:54,693 --> 01:00:56,945 You're smiling sarcastically. 659 01:00:57,321 --> 01:00:59,739 I'm trying to tell you the truth. 660 01:00:59,824 --> 01:01:03,409 I'm merely telling you how I felt. 661 01:01:04,078 --> 01:01:07,705 We may as well have this out for once. Then we won't refer to it again. 662 01:01:10,668 --> 01:01:12,752 Go on. 663 01:01:17,550 --> 01:01:21,553 I was in Hamburg, playing Beethoven's First. 664 01:01:21,637 --> 01:01:25,515 It's not too difficult, and everything had gone well. 665 01:01:26,892 --> 01:01:28,518 After the concert, Schmiess and I – 666 01:01:28,602 --> 01:01:31,104 You know, the conductor. He's dead now. 667 01:01:31,188 --> 01:01:34,858 We went to get a bite to eat. We always did. 668 01:01:35,192 --> 01:01:37,569 After we'd been eating and drinking for a while, 669 01:01:37,653 --> 01:01:42,699 and I was content and relaxed and my back wasn't aching, 670 01:01:42,783 --> 01:01:44,576 Schmiess said, 671 01:01:47,037 --> 01:01:50,790 "Why don't you stay at home with your husband and child 672 01:01:50,875 --> 01:01:53,585 and lead a respectable life, 673 01:01:54,461 --> 01:01:58,172 instead of exposing yourself to constant humiliation?" 674 01:02:02,720 --> 01:02:08,641 I stared at him and laughed and said, "Did I play that badly?" 675 01:02:08,726 --> 01:02:10,852 "No," he said, 676 01:02:10,936 --> 01:02:18,318 "but I can't help remembering August 18, 1934. 677 01:02:20,696 --> 01:02:25,366 We played Beethoven's First together in Linz. 678 01:02:26,035 --> 01:02:29,787 You were 20 years old. The hall was packed. 679 01:02:29,872 --> 01:02:33,458 We played like gods. The orchestra was inspired. 680 01:02:34,418 --> 01:02:38,129 Afterwards, the audience stood up and cheered, 681 01:02:38,213 --> 01:02:40,506 and the orchestra played a fanfare." 682 01:02:45,220 --> 01:02:49,349 Then he said, "You wore a simple red summer dress 683 01:02:49,433 --> 01:02:52,060 and had long hair down to your waist." 684 01:02:54,521 --> 01:02:57,315 "How do you remember all that?" I asked. 685 01:02:58,525 --> 01:03:01,444 "I wrote it down on my score," he said. 686 01:03:02,321 --> 01:03:05,573 "I make a note of all my great experiences." 687 01:03:08,744 --> 01:03:11,579 When I got back to the hotel, I couldn't sleep. 688 01:03:12,998 --> 01:03:15,416 At 3:00 in the morning, I called Papa 689 01:03:15,501 --> 01:03:19,003 and told him I was going to stop touring 690 01:03:20,130 --> 01:03:22,173 and stay at home with him and you. 691 01:03:22,257 --> 01:03:24,258 We'd be a real family. 692 01:03:28,597 --> 01:03:31,516 Josef was so happy. 693 01:03:32,434 --> 01:03:34,811 We wept with emotion, both of us. 694 01:03:36,397 --> 01:03:38,606 We talked for two hours. 695 01:03:39,108 --> 01:03:40,775 And that was that. 696 01:03:40,859 --> 01:03:45,279 That summer we were happy, weren't we? 697 01:03:47,199 --> 01:03:48,282 No. 698 01:03:51,453 --> 01:03:53,788 - You weren't happy? - No. 699 01:03:53,872 --> 01:03:56,624 You said things had never been so good. 700 01:04:00,587 --> 01:04:03,047 I didn't want to hurt you. 701 01:04:08,095 --> 01:04:11,264 Well, that just goes to show you. 702 01:04:12,975 --> 01:04:14,517 What did I do wrong? 703 01:04:14,601 --> 01:04:16,644 I was 14, 704 01:04:16,729 --> 01:04:21,607 and you directed all of your pent-up energy on me. 705 01:04:23,193 --> 01:04:27,739 You were damn well going to make up for your neglect. 706 01:04:27,823 --> 01:04:31,242 I tried to defend myself, but I didn't have a chance. 707 01:04:31,326 --> 01:04:36,748 You trotted out your thoughtfulness and your worried voice. 708 01:04:37,041 --> 01:04:42,420 There wasn't one detail that escaped your loving energy. 709 01:04:43,130 --> 01:04:46,758 I had a stoop. You got to work with gymnastics. 710 01:04:46,842 --> 01:04:50,595 We did exercises together. 711 01:04:50,929 --> 01:04:56,225 You thought my hair was too long, so you had it cut short. 712 01:04:56,310 --> 01:04:58,019 It was hideous. 713 01:04:58,479 --> 01:05:02,982 Then you got the idea my teeth were crooked, so I got braces. 714 01:05:03,067 --> 01:05:04,776 I looked grotesque. 715 01:05:04,860 --> 01:05:08,571 You said I couldn't go around wearing pants any longer, 716 01:05:08,655 --> 01:05:13,951 so you had dresses made without asking me what I thought. 717 01:05:14,203 --> 01:05:17,914 I didn't dare say no because I didn't want to upset you. 718 01:05:19,416 --> 01:05:24,087 You gave me books to read that I didn't understand! 719 01:05:24,171 --> 01:05:29,592 I read and read, and then you and I had to discuss them. 720 01:05:29,676 --> 01:05:32,804 You'd go on and on, but I didn't know what you were talking about! 721 01:05:32,888 --> 01:05:37,266 I was scared you'd expose my stupidity. 722 01:05:37,351 --> 01:05:38,851 I was paralyzed! 723 01:05:39,520 --> 01:05:41,395 But one thing I did understand: 724 01:05:41,480 --> 01:05:47,610 There wasn't a shred of the real me worthy of love or acceptance! 725 01:05:47,694 --> 01:05:49,445 You were obsessed, 726 01:05:49,530 --> 01:05:52,406 I grew more and more afraid of being annihilated. 727 01:05:52,491 --> 01:05:56,953 I said what you wanted me to say and copied your gestures! 728 01:05:57,037 --> 01:06:00,331 I didn't dare to be myself even when I was alone 729 01:06:00,415 --> 01:06:05,253 because I hated everything about myself! 730 01:06:06,672 --> 01:06:09,590 It was horrible, Mama! 731 01:06:09,675 --> 01:06:14,720 I still shake all over when I think of those years! 732 01:06:15,222 --> 01:06:17,515 It was horrible! 733 01:06:21,562 --> 01:06:23,354 I didn't realize I hated you. 734 01:06:23,438 --> 01:06:27,441 I was so sure we loved each other. 735 01:06:27,734 --> 01:06:29,694 I couldn't hate you, 736 01:06:29,778 --> 01:06:32,822 so my hatred turned into an insane fear. 737 01:06:33,073 --> 01:06:36,075 I had nightmares. I bit my nails. 738 01:06:36,160 --> 01:06:38,578 I pulled out tufts of hair. 739 01:06:39,788 --> 01:06:42,206 I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. 740 01:06:42,291 --> 01:06:44,417 I couldn't make a sound. 741 01:06:44,501 --> 01:06:50,047 I tried to scream, but I could only make stifled grunts. 742 01:06:50,132 --> 01:06:53,759 That frightened me even more. I thought I was going out of my mind. 743 01:07:08,650 --> 01:07:11,194 Then came Stefan. - Who got you pregnant. 744 01:07:11,278 --> 01:07:13,279 I was 18! 745 01:07:13,363 --> 01:07:16,240 Stefan was an adult. We could have managed. 746 01:07:16,325 --> 01:07:17,575 No! 747 01:07:17,659 --> 01:07:21,913 We wanted to have the child, but you ruined everything! 748 01:07:21,997 --> 01:07:27,585 That's not true! I told Papa we should wait and see. 749 01:07:27,669 --> 01:07:30,504 You didn't realize Stefan was an idiot. 750 01:07:30,589 --> 01:07:35,801 Were you present during our conversations? 751 01:07:35,886 --> 01:07:38,596 Were you lurking under our bed? 752 01:07:38,680 --> 01:07:41,474 Do you even know what you're talking about? 753 01:07:41,683 --> 01:07:46,854 Have you ever given a damn about any living soul except yourself? 754 01:07:46,939 --> 01:07:49,982 If you'd wanted a child, I couldn't have forced you to have an abortion! 755 01:07:50,067 --> 01:07:52,318 How could I defy you? 756 01:07:52,402 --> 01:07:57,490 I was afraid and needed help. - I tried to help you. 757 01:07:57,574 --> 01:08:01,661 I thought abortion was the only way. I've thought so all along. 758 01:08:01,745 --> 01:08:05,831 It's awful! You've carried this hatred all these years! 759 01:08:05,916 --> 01:08:09,168 Why have you never said anything? - Because you never listen. 760 01:08:09,253 --> 01:08:11,545 You're a goddamn escape artist. 761 01:08:11,630 --> 01:08:14,924 You're emotionally crippled. 762 01:08:15,008 --> 01:08:17,927 In reality, you detest me and Helena. 763 01:08:18,553 --> 01:08:24,141 You're shut up inside yourself and always put yourself first. 764 01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,936 I loved you, 765 01:08:28,146 --> 01:08:33,150 but you thought I was disgusting, stupid and a failure. 766 01:08:33,735 --> 01:08:36,320 You managed to injure me for life, 767 01:08:36,405 --> 01:08:39,073 just as you are injured. 768 01:08:39,574 --> 01:08:42,868 Everything that was sensitive and delicate, you attacked. 769 01:08:43,120 --> 01:08:46,664 Everything that was alive, you tried to smother. 770 01:09:00,762 --> 01:09:03,014 You talk of my hatred. 771 01:09:05,475 --> 01:09:08,019 Your hatred was no less. 772 01:09:12,441 --> 01:09:14,775 Your hatred is no less. 773 01:09:17,070 --> 01:09:22,575 I was little and malleable and loving. 774 01:09:22,659 --> 01:09:26,454 You bound me because you wanted my love, 775 01:09:26,538 --> 01:09:30,708 just as you want everyone else's love. 776 01:09:31,501 --> 01:09:34,211 I was utterly at your mercy. 777 01:09:36,423 --> 01:09:39,925 It was all done in the name of love. 778 01:09:40,218 --> 01:09:44,388 You kept saying you loved me and Papa and Helena. 779 01:09:45,265 --> 01:09:49,060 And you were an expert at love's intonations and gestures. 780 01:09:52,689 --> 01:09:55,524 People like you are a menace. 781 01:09:57,152 --> 01:10:00,738 You should be locked away and rendered harmless. 782 01:10:18,382 --> 01:10:20,508 A mother and a daughter. 783 01:10:26,473 --> 01:10:30,851 What a terrible combination 784 01:10:31,812 --> 01:10:37,191 of feelings and confusion and destruction. 785 01:10:39,027 --> 01:10:43,781 Everything is possible and is done in the name of love and solicitude. 786 01:10:46,993 --> 01:10:51,580 The mother's injuries are handed down to the daughter. 787 01:10:53,542 --> 01:10:57,044 The mother's failures are paid for by the daughter. 788 01:10:59,381 --> 01:11:03,717 The mother's unhappiness will be the daughter's unhappiness. 789 01:11:05,387 --> 01:11:09,557 It's as if the umbilical cord had never been cut. 790 01:11:15,981 --> 01:11:17,731 Is that true? 791 01:11:20,193 --> 01:11:23,362 Is the daughter's misfortune the mother's triumph? 792 01:11:31,246 --> 01:11:37,126 Is my grief your secret pleasure? 793 01:12:32,182 --> 01:12:34,266 My back's aching. 794 01:12:36,228 --> 01:12:38,729 Do you mind if I lie down on the floor? 795 01:12:40,148 --> 01:12:42,233 It's the only thing that helps. 796 01:12:46,071 --> 01:12:48,697 I remember very little of my childhood. 797 01:12:49,824 --> 01:12:53,577 I can't recall my parents ever touching me, 798 01:12:54,329 --> 01:12:57,540 either to caress me or to punish me. 799 01:12:58,959 --> 01:13:02,628 I didn't know anything about love, 800 01:13:03,588 --> 01:13:08,509 tenderness, contact, intimacy, warmth. 801 01:13:12,180 --> 01:13:17,434 Only through music did I have a chance to show my feelings. 802 01:13:20,772 --> 01:13:23,357 Sometimes, when I lie awake at night... 803 01:13:24,943 --> 01:13:28,237 I wonder whether I've lived at all. 804 01:13:30,156 --> 01:13:32,950 Is it the same for everybody, 805 01:13:33,952 --> 01:13:38,581 or do some people have a greater talent for living than others? 806 01:13:39,207 --> 01:13:43,127 Or do some people never live? 807 01:13:44,963 --> 01:13:47,006 They just exist. 808 01:13:50,677 --> 01:13:53,137 Then I'm seized by fear. 809 01:13:54,681 --> 01:14:00,603 I'm seized by fear and see a horrible picture of myself. 810 01:14:02,063 --> 01:14:04,315 I never grew up. 811 01:14:05,066 --> 01:14:07,985 My face and my body have aged. 812 01:14:10,530 --> 01:14:13,115 I acquire memories and experiences, 813 01:14:14,492 --> 01:14:19,121 but underneath all that I haven't even been born. 814 01:14:22,626 --> 01:14:24,918 I can't remember any faces, 815 01:14:26,755 --> 01:14:28,547 not even my own. 816 01:14:30,675 --> 01:14:35,095 Sometimes, I try to recall my mother's face, 817 01:14:36,264 --> 01:14:38,265 but I can't see her. 818 01:14:38,350 --> 01:14:42,561 I know she was big and dark and had blue eyes, 819 01:14:43,063 --> 01:14:47,274 a large nose and full lips, 820 01:14:48,276 --> 01:14:51,236 but I can't fit the various pieces together. 821 01:14:55,241 --> 01:14:56,950 I can't see her. 822 01:14:57,410 --> 01:15:02,289 In the same way, I can't see your face or Helena's or Leonardo's. 823 01:15:02,666 --> 01:15:06,377 I remember giving birth to you and your sister, 824 01:15:07,253 --> 01:15:11,799 but all I remember about the deliveries is that they hurt. 825 01:15:13,593 --> 01:15:17,137 But the pain? What was that like? 826 01:15:19,474 --> 01:15:21,392 I don't remember. 827 01:15:25,230 --> 01:15:27,439 Leonardo once said that – 828 01:15:28,733 --> 01:15:30,818 How did he put it, now? 829 01:15:32,529 --> 01:15:37,157 "A sense of reality is a matter of talent. 830 01:15:38,493 --> 01:15:41,829 Most people lack that talent, 831 01:15:43,039 --> 01:15:45,416 and maybe it's just as well." 832 01:15:46,876 --> 01:15:51,422 Do you know what he meant? - Yes, I do. 833 01:15:54,718 --> 01:15:58,721 - How strange. - Strange? 834 01:16:00,056 --> 01:16:04,435 - I've always been afraid of you. - I can't understand that. 835 01:16:04,519 --> 01:16:08,647 I think I wanted you to take care of me, 836 01:16:09,858 --> 01:16:13,944 to put your arms around me and comfort me. 837 01:16:14,529 --> 01:16:16,280 I was a child. 838 01:16:20,243 --> 01:16:23,203 - Does that matter? - No. 839 01:16:23,538 --> 01:16:26,039 I saw that you loved me, 840 01:16:27,000 --> 01:16:31,295 and I wanted to love you, but I couldn't. 841 01:16:32,213 --> 01:16:34,298 I was afraid of your demands. 842 01:16:36,176 --> 01:16:40,220 - I didn't have any. - I thought you did. 843 01:16:42,557 --> 01:16:45,017 I didn't want to be your mother. 844 01:16:46,269 --> 01:16:49,563 I wanted you to know I was as helpless as you were. 845 01:16:51,399 --> 01:16:52,900 Is that really true? 846 01:17:12,587 --> 01:17:16,381 - What are you thinking about? - Leonardo and Helena. 847 01:17:17,550 --> 01:17:19,301 I don't understand. 848 01:17:20,386 --> 01:17:22,679 They hardly knew each other. 849 01:17:24,224 --> 01:17:27,559 We were together in Bornholm one Easter. 850 01:17:27,769 --> 01:17:29,853 You left after three days. 851 01:17:29,938 --> 01:17:32,564 I was going to play Bartok's First in Geneva. 852 01:17:32,941 --> 01:17:38,070 I wanted to go through the concerto with the conductor in peace and quiet, 853 01:17:39,113 --> 01:17:41,949 so it's possible I did leave earlier. 854 01:17:42,659 --> 01:17:44,159 The weather was awful. 855 01:17:44,244 --> 01:17:47,079 Leonardo was in a bad mood. So were you. 856 01:17:50,166 --> 01:17:53,836 Why are you making me remember all this? 857 01:17:53,920 --> 01:17:55,796 I'll tell you. 858 01:17:57,382 --> 01:18:01,051 You and Leonardo arrived on Thursday. We had a lovely evening together. 859 01:18:01,135 --> 01:18:04,304 We drank wine, sang and laughed 860 01:18:04,389 --> 01:18:07,307 and played some old game we found. 861 01:18:07,892 --> 01:18:13,063 Helena wasn't so ill then. She was happy all evening. 862 01:18:14,023 --> 01:18:19,987 Leonardo was happy because she was. He talked and joked with her. 863 01:18:21,656 --> 01:18:24,366 She fell head over heels in love. 864 01:18:24,993 --> 01:18:27,744 They sat together until late that night. 865 01:18:28,997 --> 01:18:34,877 The next day, Helena told me Leonardo had kissed her. 866 01:18:44,137 --> 01:18:46,305 That evening, we had guests. 867 01:18:47,348 --> 01:18:52,519 Leonardo drank too much and played all the Bach solo suites. 868 01:18:54,188 --> 01:18:56,565 He wasn't himself, 869 01:18:57,358 --> 01:19:00,068 heavy and gentle, as if he were enlarged. 870 01:19:01,863 --> 01:19:05,657 He played badly but beautifully. 871 01:19:07,493 --> 01:19:10,454 Helena sat there in the dusk, beaming. 872 01:19:10,538 --> 01:19:12,539 I've never seen anything like it. 873 01:20:07,679 --> 01:20:11,223 You and I went for a walk. You were chattering away. 874 01:20:11,307 --> 01:20:16,144 I didn't really listen. I was thinking about those two. 875 01:20:18,940 --> 01:20:23,402 When we got home, they were sitting where we'd left them. 876 01:20:23,486 --> 01:20:30,784 You went to bed, and I had to help Leonardo upstairs. 877 01:20:32,078 --> 01:20:34,746 Outside the door of the bedroom, 878 01:20:34,831 --> 01:20:38,834 he stopped, looked at me and said... 879 01:20:41,212 --> 01:20:42,838 "Can you imagine? 880 01:20:43,631 --> 01:20:47,968 There's a butterfly fluttering against the window." 881 01:20:49,637 --> 01:20:54,766 When I went back to Helena, she was sitting bolt upright, 882 01:20:55,143 --> 01:20:58,186 quite relaxed and calm. 883 01:21:00,148 --> 01:21:05,277 There was no trace of her illness. 884 01:21:09,240 --> 01:21:11,908 I'll never forget her face, Mama. 885 01:21:16,330 --> 01:21:18,665 I'll never forget her face. 886 01:21:23,296 --> 01:21:26,006 The next morning, you left for Geneva, 887 01:21:27,050 --> 01:21:30,469 four days earlier than we had agreed. 888 01:21:31,679 --> 01:21:34,056 When you left, you said casually, 889 01:21:34,474 --> 01:21:38,602 "I asked Leonardo to stay. I see it's doing Helena good." 890 01:21:39,854 --> 01:21:41,521 And you smiled. 891 01:21:43,691 --> 01:21:47,903 Leonardo abruptly became restless and unhappy. 892 01:21:55,286 --> 01:21:59,414 On Easter, he went for a long walk in the rain. 893 01:21:59,499 --> 01:22:04,211 When he came back, he told Helena he was leaving. 894 01:22:04,962 --> 01:22:07,047 He said they'd meet again. 895 01:22:07,882 --> 01:22:12,886 Then he called Geneva and talked to you for an hour. 896 01:22:14,013 --> 01:22:17,891 That evening, he left on the last plane. 897 01:22:31,739 --> 01:22:34,783 During the night, I was woken by Helena crying. 898 01:22:36,369 --> 01:22:39,788 She complained of pain in her hip and right leg. 899 01:22:41,249 --> 01:22:44,042 She didn't think she could hold out until morning. 900 01:22:45,920 --> 01:22:48,922 At 5:00, I had to call an ambulance. 901 01:22:53,344 --> 01:22:55,846 So Lena's illness was my fault? 902 01:22:55,930 --> 01:22:58,431 Yes, I think so. 903 01:23:02,311 --> 01:23:06,106 - You mean that her illness – - Yes. 904 01:23:09,485 --> 01:23:11,778 You don't seriously mean – 905 01:23:12,280 --> 01:23:15,448 When Lena was a year old, you deserted her. 906 01:23:16,909 --> 01:23:19,911 Then you kept deserting both of us all the time. 907 01:23:21,455 --> 01:23:25,208 When Lena got seriously ill, you sent her to a home. 908 01:23:26,252 --> 01:23:29,171 - It can't be true. - What can't be true? 909 01:23:31,382 --> 01:23:33,842 Can you prove otherwise? 910 01:23:37,096 --> 01:23:38,930 Look at me, Mama. 911 01:23:40,558 --> 01:23:42,517 Look at Helena. 912 01:23:44,729 --> 01:23:47,189 There are no excuses. 913 01:23:49,150 --> 01:23:53,945 There is only one truth and one lie. 914 01:23:55,323 --> 01:23:57,699 There can be no forgiveness. 915 01:23:58,492 --> 01:24:00,452 You can't blame me entirely. 916 01:24:00,536 --> 01:24:04,831 You expect an exception to be made for you. 917 01:24:06,959 --> 01:24:10,212 You've set up a sort of discount system with life, 918 01:24:12,840 --> 01:24:17,802 but one day you'll see that your agreement is one-sided. 919 01:24:19,847 --> 01:24:23,516 You'll discover you're carrying guilt, just like everyone else. 920 01:24:25,186 --> 01:24:27,020 What guilt? 921 01:24:32,610 --> 01:24:34,194 Eva, darling. 922 01:24:36,197 --> 01:24:39,324 Won't you forgive me for all the wrong I've done? 923 01:24:41,077 --> 01:24:42,994 I'll try to mend my ways. 924 01:24:44,914 --> 01:24:48,750 You've got to teach me. We'll talk to each other. 925 01:24:51,420 --> 01:24:53,004 But help me. 926 01:24:53,256 --> 01:24:55,632 I can't go on. 927 01:24:55,716 --> 01:24:58,009 Your hatred is so terrible. 928 01:25:00,054 --> 01:25:01,972 I never realized. 929 01:25:02,056 --> 01:25:06,184 I've been selfish and childish. 930 01:25:09,855 --> 01:25:12,065 Can't you put your arms around me? 931 01:25:13,693 --> 01:25:15,902 Touch me, at least. 932 01:25:18,614 --> 01:25:20,407 Help me. 933 01:25:23,577 --> 01:25:26,329 Mama! 934 01:25:29,208 --> 01:25:30,208 Come! 935 01:25:31,627 --> 01:25:33,503 Help me. 936 01:25:34,588 --> 01:25:36,089 Mama! 937 01:25:39,427 --> 01:25:40,427 Come! 938 01:26:25,556 --> 01:26:30,643 Poor little Mama, rushing off like that. 939 01:26:31,812 --> 01:26:36,149 She looked so frightened and suddenly so old and tired. 940 01:26:37,651 --> 01:26:42,489 Her face had shrunk, and her nose was red from crying. 941 01:26:45,576 --> 01:26:47,827 Now I'll never see her again. 942 01:27:03,928 --> 01:27:08,014 It'll be dark soon, and it's getting cold. 943 01:27:09,266 --> 01:27:12,685 I have to go home and make dinner for Viktor and Helena. 944 01:27:15,523 --> 01:27:17,732 I can't die now. 945 01:27:19,276 --> 01:27:21,903 I'm afraid to commit suicide, 946 01:27:23,697 --> 01:27:26,491 and one day maybe God will have a use for me. 947 01:27:27,993 --> 01:27:30,203 Then he'll set me free from my prison. 948 01:27:47,638 --> 01:27:51,224 I feel so shut out. I'm always homesick. 949 01:27:51,892 --> 01:27:53,935 But when I get home, 950 01:27:55,062 --> 01:27:58,231 I find it's something else I'm longing for. 951 01:28:01,152 --> 01:28:03,194 Are you stroking my cheek? 952 01:28:04,905 --> 01:28:07,157 Are you whispering in my ear? 953 01:28:08,742 --> 01:28:10,577 Are you with me now? 954 01:28:12,830 --> 01:28:15,832 We'll never leave each other. 955 01:28:50,868 --> 01:28:53,203 There's a light on in Helena's room. 956 01:28:54,622 --> 01:28:56,956 Viktor's there, talking to her. 957 01:28:58,125 --> 01:29:00,960 That's good, kind of him. 958 01:29:03,214 --> 01:29:05,465 He's telling her Mama has left. 959 01:29:10,054 --> 01:29:12,138 Your mother sent her love. 960 01:29:12,515 --> 01:29:15,350 She was sad and worried. 961 01:29:15,434 --> 01:29:17,060 She'd been crying. 962 01:29:29,657 --> 01:29:32,992 Eva went for a walk. 963 01:29:33,702 --> 01:29:36,329 She was so excited to see her mother. 964 01:29:37,665 --> 01:29:39,916 She hoped for too much. 965 01:29:40,668 --> 01:29:43,628 I hadn't the heart to warn her. 966 01:29:53,681 --> 01:29:56,599 I can't understand what you're saying. 967 01:29:59,603 --> 01:30:01,479 You're saying you want to – 968 01:30:04,191 --> 01:30:06,609 Try to speak calmly, 969 01:30:06,694 --> 01:30:10,405 otherwise I can't understand. 970 01:30:16,161 --> 01:30:18,162 Eva! Come quickly! 971 01:30:36,515 --> 01:30:39,809 Sometimes I stand looking at my wife 972 01:30:40,352 --> 01:30:42,520 without her knowing I'm there. 973 01:30:44,690 --> 01:30:46,524 She's in so much distress. 974 01:30:47,401 --> 01:30:50,403 Since Charlotte left so suddenly, 975 01:30:50,946 --> 01:30:53,281 she has been terribly upset. 976 01:30:55,075 --> 01:30:57,076 She hasn't been able to sleep. 977 01:30:57,745 --> 01:31:00,830 She says she drove her mother away, 978 01:31:00,914 --> 01:31:03,499 and she can never forgive herself. 979 01:31:03,584 --> 01:31:07,545 - Are you going out? - Just down to the post office. 980 01:31:07,880 --> 01:31:10,673 Could you please mail this letter for me? 981 01:31:10,758 --> 01:31:12,258 Sure. 982 01:31:13,427 --> 01:31:16,638 It's to Charlotte? - Read it if you like. 983 01:31:16,722 --> 01:31:18,848 I'm going up to Helena. 984 01:31:24,355 --> 01:31:28,608 "Dear Mama, I realize that I wronged you. 985 01:31:29,610 --> 01:31:32,779 I met you with demands instead of affection. 986 01:31:33,572 --> 01:31:37,325 I tormented you with an old hatred that's no longer real. 987 01:31:37,868 --> 01:31:41,371 I want to ask your forgiveness." 988 01:31:41,455 --> 01:31:44,624 I don't know if this letter will reach you. 989 01:31:45,209 --> 01:31:47,627 I don't even know if you will read it. 990 01:31:49,421 --> 01:31:51,881 Maybe it's already too late. 991 01:31:53,550 --> 01:31:58,596 But I hope all the same that my discovery will not be in vain. 992 01:31:59,598 --> 01:32:02,141 There is a kind of mercy after all. 993 01:32:02,810 --> 01:32:07,855 I mean the enormous opportunity of getting to take care of each other, 994 01:32:09,525 --> 01:32:11,442 to help each other, 995 01:32:12,986 --> 01:32:15,029 to show affection. 996 01:32:17,783 --> 01:32:20,993 I will never let you vanish out of my life again. 997 01:32:22,830 --> 01:32:24,831 I'm going to be persistent. 998 01:32:25,791 --> 01:32:30,336 I won't give up, even if it is too late. 999 01:32:30,921 --> 01:32:33,089 I don't think it is too late. 1000 01:32:35,926 --> 01:32:38,344 It can't be too late.