1 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:15,574 Oh, ha, ha. Well, l'll definitely be getting you that bicycle. 2 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,953 And l'll see what l can do about your parents' ugly divorce, Caren. 3 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:22,331 All right. Merry Christmas! 4 00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,041 -Who's next? -Santa! 5 00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,794 Kumar, no! Merry-- 6 00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:28,587 Back of the line, tech support! 7 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,589 -Come on, ls this a joke? -Hold the fuck on. 8 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,383 Your son can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute. 9 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:38,555 -What do you want for Christmas young man? -That's a really good question. 10 00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:40,307 -I want a Snoopy Sno-cone Machine. -Done. 11 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,558 -And a DeLorean. -Yes. 12 00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:43,102 Wu-Tang to get back together. 13 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,686 l'll tell the elves. 14 00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,438 By the way this is just for my stockings. 15 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:47,731 -Okay For my real present-- -Hey! 16 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,442 Meet me at my sleigh in half an hour, okay? 17 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,653 You got it. Merry Christmas, Santa. 18 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,071 -Ooh. Bong. -Oh! 19 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,449 Right in the sugar plums. 20 00:01:57,909 --> 00:02:01,453 Okay. On the menu today, we have: 21 00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,247 Winter Wonder Weed. 22 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:06,583 We have Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer. 23 00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:08,043 Oh, it's a Weederful Life. 24 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,462 God, does everything have to be about Christmas? 25 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,339 Hey, some people like the holidays. 26 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:16,426 l had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from Temple Shalom lmmanuel cleaned me out. 27 00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:18,762 What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout." 28 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:20,180 That`s a little more expensive. 29 00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,975 This is like Duvalier Dank from October. 30 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,643 -l'll take it. -Oh. Hello, gentlemen. 31 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,145 Mm. 32 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:27,563 -Shit. -What? 33 00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:29,356 You have anything to smoke out of? 34 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:10,898 Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks! 35 00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:14,109 Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks! 36 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,903 Ah, Mr. Lee? l'm here. 37 00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:20,115 Wait... 38 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,450 ...more protesters? 39 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,620 Do they really think we care what poor people think? 40 00:03:24,787 --> 00:03:25,913 Kenneth, it's Christmas. 41 00:03:26,122 --> 00:03:28,540 They're out of work. You'd be upset too. 42 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,584 Let's see how you did on your assignment. 43 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:34,004 l think l found the absolute best gift for your father-in-law. 44 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,965 And, Mr. Lee, l think you're gonna be really pleased. 45 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:39,384 Ow. 46 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:41,220 Oh, my God. 47 00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,054 Hi. 48 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,680 This is a Sharp... 49 00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:45,933 ...52" Aquos Quattron TV... 50 00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,727 ...with state-of-the-art 3D technology... 51 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,979 ...that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded. 52 00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:53,982 l don't know. Hasn't the all 3D thing jumped the shark by now? 53 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,651 Mr. Lee, you don't understand. 54 00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:57,611 This is the best 3D you've ever seen. 55 00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,488 lt's gonna be amazing! 56 00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:03,242 Who are you looking at? 57 00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:09,581 Mr. Lee! 58 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,416 Want me to call you a cab... 59 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,418 ...a town car, a limo? lt's not safe... 60 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:15,420 -...out there. -No, thanks, Kenneth. 61 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,464 l got a buddy picking me up. 62 00:04:18,549 --> 00:04:20,592 One more thing! Merry Christmas to you... 63 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,219 ...Harold, and Happy New Year! 64 00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,262 Hey, over there. 65 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:24,388 We got another one. 66 00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:27,182 Don't worry, Mr. Lee. l'll distract them. 67 00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:28,809 Hey... 68 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,645 ...angry protesters! l just got a huge Christmas bonus... 69 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:33,730 ...so you can suck my rich, yellow... 70 00:04:33,898 --> 00:04:34,606 ...dick! 71 00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:48,328 Get him! 72 00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:21,820 Dude! 73 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,322 Open the door! 74 00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,282 Unh. Thank God you're here. 75 00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:28,076 l thought those hippies were gonna kill you Harry. 76 00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,288 Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo! 77 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:32,831 Just drive. Todd, drive. 78 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:35,959 No, no, no! No, no, no! 79 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:36,668 Oh, great. 80 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,253 Now we're getting tinkled on. 81 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,422 -lt's just urine. lt'll wash out. -Oh, Harry. 82 00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,966 Tinkle on the windshield that is officially the grossest thing... 83 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,760 ...that has ever happened to me. 84 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:47,763 Ugh. 85 00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:57,689 lt smells like shit in here. 86 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:09,368 Hey... 87 00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:11,244 -...neighbor. -Hey, man. 88 00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:11,953 All right. 89 00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:15,290 Check it. Remember that hot virgin l met on the internet? Get this: 90 00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:16,875 She wants me... 91 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,585 ...to deflower her. 92 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,295 Tonight. Christmas Eve. 93 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:22,881 At a party she's throwing in Manhattan. Best part of all. 94 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,008 -You're coming with me. -No can do, man. 95 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:28,303 l gotta stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise l won't get high. 96 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:29,763 Why not ask your roommate? 97 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,391 Because you're the best. l don't wanna go with him. I wanna go with you. 98 00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:35,602 Besides l already asked him. He said no. He's spending Christmas... 99 00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:37,437 ...with his stupid girlfriend or something. 100 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,524 Mm. This is exactly what happens. First they get a girlfriend... 101 00:06:40,691 --> 00:06:42,567 ...then they get married... 102 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,653 ...then you never hear from them again. 103 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,073 Fuck it, l'm in. 104 00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:49,366 Yes. 105 00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:54,996 Wow, the Jewish neighbors must hate this. 106 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,791 Well, Harry. Harry. 107 00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,251 You have outdone yourself this year. 108 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,794 lf you knew Maria's dad... 109 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,671 ...you'd pull out all the stops too. 110 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,840 Still has not accepted you as part of the family? Huh. 111 00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:09,052 No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of Christmas. l'm hoping when he sees... 112 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,846 ...all the work I`ve done, he`s gonna appreciates it. 113 00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,097 Oh, so smart. 114 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,932 -Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas. 115 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,475 Oh. Jinx. 116 00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,562 You always do that. You just keep doing it. lt's crazy. 117 00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:21,022 Okay, l'll Skype you later or text you. 118 00:07:21,482 --> 00:07:22,357 Or both. 119 00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:25,277 Maria! 120 00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:28,029 Oh, hi there. Somebody's looking... 121 00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:30,782 ...uh, very merry today. 122 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,826 Somebody is also... 123 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,870 ...ovulating. 124 00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:36,663 Um.... 125 00:07:37,498 --> 00:07:40,876 Your dad is gonna be here any minute, though. Honestly, that's-- 126 00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:43,879 -Baby. Then let's get to it. -Oh! 127 00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:45,797 Because when they get here... 128 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:50,010 ...we are going to have no private time. 129 00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,636 l don't know if we should. 130 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,222 Now, come on and fuck a baby into me. 131 00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:56,433 Okay, l will. 132 00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,770 Two-hander. Okay. Ha-ha-ha. 133 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,940 lf it's a baby l gotta give you, it's a baby you're gonna get. 134 00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:07,402 Shit. 135 00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:11,406 Go. Go. 136 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,827 Be cool. 137 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,500 Carlos, Merry Christmas. 138 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,461 Hello, Harold. 139 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,714 You made the drive in record time. That`s amazing. Didn't speed, did you? 140 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,094 Empanadas? 141 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,555 Where's Maria? 142 00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:36,515 She's upstairs... 143 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,016 ...getting ready. 144 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,434 Can l get you a beer? 145 00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:40,810 What the hell is that? 146 00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:45,941 She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha. 147 00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:47,526 This is our Christmas tree. 148 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:48,818 ls it fake? 149 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:50,779 lt's faux, actually. 150 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,489 Are you celebrating real Christmas... 151 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,282 ...or a faux Christmas? 152 00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:55,367 Real Christmas? 153 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,117 Daddy. 154 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:57,577 Daddy! 155 00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:58,828 God. 156 00:08:58,996 --> 00:08:59,996 l've missed you! 157 00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:02,541 And the whole family... 158 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,625 ...is here. 159 00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:05,919 Hi... 160 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:07,128 ...everybody! 161 00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:09,965 Oh, God. 162 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,885 Oh. l guess Timo... 163 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,053 ...made parole. 164 00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,888 Uh, not exactly. 165 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,641 Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody! 166 00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:22,936 You take it. 167 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:25,397 You people are real good with those things. 168 00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:28,858 lt's just the weekend. 169 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:31,611 lt's just the weekend. 170 00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:36,533 Has this ever happened to you? 171 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:37,951 This stupid waffle's stuck. 172 00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:41,037 Oh, my God! Billy! 173 00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:42,414 -Heh-heh-heh. -George, call 911! 174 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,582 This is fucked up. 175 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:44,666 How about this? 176 00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:49,129 Well, it doesn't have to anymore. 177 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,423 lntroducing WaffleBot. 178 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,633 WaffleBot! 179 00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:57,596 Just pop the top, let that batter drop... 180 00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,639 ...and WaffleBot does the rest. 181 00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:01,600 Make every breakfast a Bot-fast. 182 00:10:02,643 --> 00:10:04,811 Thanks, WaffleBot! 183 00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,771 I love you. 184 00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:07,981 Get the Christmas... 185 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,191 ...toy of the season while they're hot. 186 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,821 l'm busy, Adrian! Go away! 187 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:17,532 Kumar! lt's Vanessa. 188 00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:21,244 Hey. Looks like somebody missed me. 189 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,121 Come on in. 190 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,624 Since when do you have a beard? 191 00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:28,710 l actually have not shaved since you left. Pretty romantic. 192 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,212 Kind of like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. 193 00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,423 When's the last time you cleaned up around here? 194 00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:35,425 Like three months ago. 195 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:36,676 Less romantic? 196 00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:38,136 Little bit, yeah. 197 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,639 l'm sorry, where are my manners? Here. Here. 198 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:41,556 Oh, no, no, no. 199 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,141 No, l shouldn't. 200 00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,309 Of course you should. 201 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,186 Kumar, l really need to talk to you. 202 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:49,564 l'm pregnant. 203 00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:52,108 You're pregnant? 204 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,526 We-- 205 00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:54,778 We practiced safe sex. 206 00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,906 l mean, l pulled out and came on your back. 207 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,366 Maybe a couple of squeaks got by... 208 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,451 -...but is that all it takes? -Yes. 209 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,371 That's all it takes. No wonder you flunked out of med school. 210 00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:07,082 Hey, l didn't flunk out of med school. l failed at drug test. 211 00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:08,375 How do l even know... 212 00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:09,626 ...that the baby's mine? 213 00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:12,128 l haven't slept with anyone since we broke up. 214 00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:13,838 Nice. 215 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,007 What do you want to do about it? 216 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,342 All right, um.... 217 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:28,269 This is the part where the kid's tongue... 218 00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:29,729 ...gets stuck to a pole. Ha, ha. 219 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,190 Oh. Ha, ha. l'm sorry. 220 00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:36,611 Um, are we having a conversation right now, or are you watching A Christmas Story? 221 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,405 Both. No. 222 00:11:38,572 --> 00:11:40,949 -l mean-- -You know what? l knew you... 223 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,909 -...couldn't handle something like this. -l'm sorry. 224 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:44,160 l'm really high. 225 00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:47,580 This is not about you being high. This is about you being immature. 226 00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:49,916 lt's why l couldn't stay here anymore. 227 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,210 You are perfectly fine creating a mess... 228 00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:54,671 ...but when it comes to cleaning one up... 229 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,297 ...you're MlA. 230 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:57,590 Vanessa, Wait! Give me a half hour... 231 00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:58,800 ...to sober up. 232 00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:00,468 Fuck. 233 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,351 Dad, you good? You need a drink or--? No? Okay. 234 00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:14,482 -Maria. l love you. -Ha, ha. 235 00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:15,900 Glad your family's here. 236 00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,152 l'm just wondering... 237 00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:21,114 ...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas party with all these extra guests. 238 00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,283 Baby, Dont worry we'll make it work. We have plenty of room. 239 00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:24,993 Okay. 240 00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:25,994 l'm sorry. 241 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:27,620 l left my wallet upstairs. Thank you. 242 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:30,206 Harold. 243 00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,167 Hey, speaking of guests... 244 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,502 ...are you 100% sure you don't wanna invite Kumar? 245 00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:38,339 Kumar? You kidding me? l haven't seen that guy in years. 246 00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:39,340 Kumar has been... 247 00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:42,343 -...your friend for a really long time. -lt is perfectly normal. 248 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:45,221 Stastically people lose half their friends every seven years. 249 00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,098 lt's not like l don't have friends. 250 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,893 -Todd? Yeah, he's a lot of fun. -At least he doesn't... 251 00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,187 ...create a disaster everywhere he goes. 252 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,106 Ah, okay. 253 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,198 Rosetta Stone. 254 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:05,325 A lifesaver. 255 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:16,753 Be right there! 256 00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:29,098 Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long. 257 00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,522 Maybe we can-- 258 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:37,649 Are you sure we have to... 259 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,818 -...throw it out? -This tree is a cancer. 260 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,362 We have to get rid of it before it kills Christmas. 261 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:43,988 Very intense wording. 262 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:52,163 Wow! Oh, my God. 263 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,457 l can't believe you brought the tree on this way. Ha-ha-ha. 264 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,751 Am l missing something? 265 00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,087 Wait, every Christmas we use a tree that Dad grew. 266 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,130 -Oh. -Twelve-foot Fraser fir. 267 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,550 Look at the branch distribution. 268 00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:04,384 Oh, l see. 269 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:05,635 Hey, hey! 270 00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:07,595 She's very delicate though. 271 00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:10,056 l've been growing her for eight years. 272 00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:14,310 Eight years, wow. l never knew Christmas trees were such a big deal. 273 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,729 Oh, God. 274 00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:18,147 Not a big deal? 275 00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:20,483 Let me tell you a story, Harold. 276 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:22,318 Growing up in Media-ain... 277 00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:25,947 ...my family was too poor to celebrate Christmas properly. 278 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:28,616 Every year l would pray to God: 279 00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:33,246 "Please, let me wake up and find a big, beautiful Christmas tree." 280 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:34,873 And every Christmas... 281 00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:37,333 ...l was heartbroken. 282 00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:40,545 When my mother finally moved me to America... 283 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,505 ...she promised me we would have... 284 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,426 ...a Christmas tree every Christmas from then on. 285 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:50,763 But one week before that first Christmas, while walking home from work... 286 00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,765 ...she was violently attacked... 287 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,934 ...by a gang of Korean punks. 288 00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,490 They stabbed her multiple times. She bled to death. 289 00:15:09,658 --> 00:15:10,783 So I guess... 290 00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:14,621 ...you could say, yes, a Christmas tree is a big deal. 291 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:15,955 Oh, my God. 292 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,834 -Why didn't you tell me? -I'm sorry. 293 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,211 Pepe! Where are the ornaments? 294 00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:23,004 l don't know Tio. 295 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:24,422 My eyes are all fucked up. 296 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,634 You can't celebrate Christmas with a naked tree! lt's indecent! 297 00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:29,677 Maria, forget about midnight Mass. 298 00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:31,679 Tonight, we're decorating the tree. 299 00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:34,223 Oh, Daddy, l wanted to spend tonight in the city... 300 00:15:34,391 --> 00:15:35,600 ...with you guys. 301 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:36,893 Wait. 302 00:15:37,853 --> 00:15:39,187 l got this. 303 00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:43,483 l'll take care of the tree. You have a family night in Manhattan. 304 00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:45,443 No. No, no, no. 305 00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,445 We brought the tree all the way down. 306 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,697 lt has to look perfect on Christmas morning. 307 00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:54,369 Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what you want and l'll take care of it. 308 00:15:54,536 --> 00:15:56,829 When you come back, the tree will be decorated. 309 00:15:56,997 --> 00:16:00,291 This house, l promise you, is gonna be perfect. 310 00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,887 Oh, B-T-dub, the girl tonight? Her name is Mary. 311 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,139 As in the Virgin Mary. How great is that? 312 00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,891 What did Vanessa do to suck... 313 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:18,476 ...the life out of you... 314 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,602 ...this afternoon? 315 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:23,856 l don't have anyone else to confide in. l might as well tell you. Uh.... 316 00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:25,525 Vanessa's pregnan-- 317 00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:26,484 A queefer. 318 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,569 -What? -l knew it. 319 00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:32,240 l used to date this black chick, she used to queef every time we had sex. 320 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:35,368 lt was ridiculous. l used to call her Queen Laqueefa. 321 00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:38,162 Anyway when was the last time you saw this guy? 322 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:40,248 -Two years ago. -So... 323 00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:43,668 ...why are we dropping off this package? I thought you said this guy was a fucking chode. 324 00:16:43,877 --> 00:16:46,838 He is, all right? l just-- l don't want his shit in my place. 325 00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:52,093 Sure this is the right address? 326 00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:56,264 Whoa. Looks like your ex-boyf's moving up in the world. Heh. 327 00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:58,266 l guess. 328 00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:01,102 l'll be right back. l'm just gonna drop this off. 329 00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:22,707 Fuck! 330 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,630 Kumar? 331 00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,800 Hello, Harold. 332 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,137 -Hey. -Hey. 333 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,306 -Hey. -l was-- 334 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,683 -How are you? Good to see you. -Oh, hey. 335 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,144 -How you doing? -Good to see you too. Good. 336 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:47,648 You got a package that came for you at the apartment. So l was dropping it off. 337 00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:50,151 Oh. Okay, cool. 338 00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:52,737 You look terrific. You lose weight? 339 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:56,549 No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually. This is a really nice house. 340 00:17:58,035 --> 00:17:59,577 No. You know. 341 00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:03,372 Do you want to come in for a drink... 342 00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:04,707 ...or something? 343 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,000 Um.... 344 00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,545 Christmas, Christmas 345 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:10,755 Do you not have time? because... 346 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:11,923 -Oh. -Oh. 347 00:18:13,842 --> 00:18:16,511 -Come in, come in. Come in. Come on. -Sure. 348 00:18:17,387 --> 00:18:19,180 Watch your step, it's icy there. 349 00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:22,767 Eggnog? Empanadas? 350 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,478 Uh.... Sure. Yeah. 351 00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:28,689 Hey, this place is, like, not shitty. 352 00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:30,858 Oh. Thank you. Yeah. 353 00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:35,238 Bay window is brand-new, actually. We just put that in last week. 354 00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:37,907 The sconces are new. Sconces are actually brand-new. 355 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:43,412 Yeah, l was gonna say, it looks like you guys got some awesome sconces. 356 00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,706 Thank you. That's very sweet of you. 357 00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:48,209 So, what's up with this package? 358 00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:51,462 My name and your address. That's weird. 359 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,297 l haven't lived there for so long. 360 00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,049 l know. That's strange. 361 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,010 Whoa. 362 00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:03,808 Ooh. 363 00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:06,894 What the hell is this? 364 00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:09,105 That's a gigantic joint. What do you think it is? 365 00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:10,523 ls this some kind of a joke? 366 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,733 -No. l swear. -Did you do this? 367 00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:14,777 Had l known, l would have smoked it. 368 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,571 ls there a--? 369 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:18,281 There`s no return address. 370 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:21,617 l don't even see any stamps on this. 371 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,452 What are you doing? 372 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:24,412 Getting not low. 373 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:25,913 There is no smoking in this house. 374 00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:28,332 What? What douche came up with that rule? 375 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,293 This douche did. 376 00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:38,926 That was good shit. 377 00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,803 l don't care, okay? 378 00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:42,180 l don't smoke anymore. 379 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,806 -What? -l just felt... 380 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,892 ...that a lot of times when l got high... 381 00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:48,186 ...things would go really wrong. So.... 382 00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:51,355 But, Harold, weed is so good. 383 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:52,815 lt gets you high. 384 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:54,567 l got nothing against weed, okay? 385 00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:57,320 Had plenty of fun times with weed. But l'm an adult now. 386 00:19:57,487 --> 00:20:00,448 And frankly, l'm kind of glad that the craziness is behind me. 387 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,700 Do you smell something burning? 388 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,119 Oh, shit! 389 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,871 -Oh, shit. -Shit. 390 00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:08,289 Shit! 391 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,625 lt's spreading. lt's spreading! 392 00:20:10,792 --> 00:20:12,126 Here. 393 00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:14,295 Bah, bah, bah! Not the throw pillows! 394 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,588 Seriously? 395 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,717 l did it anyway! 396 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,135 What the fuck?! 397 00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:28,059 Shit! 398 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,393 Maria's dad will kill me! 399 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:30,353 Stop yelling! 400 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,480 We gotta get rid of this tree! 401 00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:34,190 Okay. 402 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,413 That's why you gotta buy those faux trees. They last forever. 403 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,751 Calm down. lt's just a Christmas tree. 404 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,002 "Just a Christmas tree"? 405 00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,380 Maria's dad grew that tree... 406 00:20:57,547 --> 00:20:59,006 ...and now it is dead. 407 00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:02,468 Koreans have killed his mother, and now this tree. Christmas is ruined. 408 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:03,844 Christmas isn't ruined. 409 00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,888 Yes, it is ruined. You have ruined Christmas. 410 00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:08,641 They're gonna come home from midnight Mass and expect to see... 411 00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:11,352 ...a beautifully decorated tree, but they are gonna see that. 412 00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:14,397 Dude, I think you're overreacting. There's plenty of tree lots right here. 413 00:21:14,564 --> 00:21:16,941 We'll drive around till we find the right tree. 414 00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:18,442 We're not gonna do anything. 415 00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:22,405 You know what? Um, this is my fault. 416 00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,824 l take full responsibility. Please leave. 417 00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:27,118 l will take care of this. Thank you. 418 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,161 -l don't mind helping out-- -l got it. 419 00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:30,913 -We have a van-- -l got it. 420 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:34,709 Okay. You got it. 421 00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:37,295 -You need anything, just give me-- -Merry Christmas. 422 00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,049 Merry Christmas, Harold. 423 00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:47,847 What the fuck took so long? 424 00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:49,557 Nothing. Let's just go. 425 00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:53,227 You never told me Harold was Asian. l always pictured an old white guy. 426 00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:01,902 Freeze! This is a robbery. Give me all your friendship. 427 00:22:02,070 --> 00:22:03,487 Oh, wow, look at that. 428 00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:05,781 You know, it's kind of better than a window. 429 00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:07,950 lt's like a stained-glass window of paper. 430 00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:09,285 Any luck with the tree? 431 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,746 -Oh, you brought Ava. -Uh, yeah, sorry. l have Ava. 432 00:22:11,913 --> 00:22:13,581 lt's "3D." 433 00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:14,290 Hmm? 434 00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:15,458 Daddy-Daughter Day. 435 00:22:15,625 --> 00:22:17,626 You can't back out of Daddy-Daughter Day... 436 00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:20,421 ...because Emma says that leads to abandonment issues... 437 00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:23,090 ...and then stripping and meth and biker boyfriend. 438 00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:24,425 -All bad things. -Ah. 439 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:26,635 -The tree, though. -Yes, so l called-- 440 00:22:27,804 --> 00:22:29,722 Oh, here it goes. Here it goes. 441 00:22:30,390 --> 00:22:32,224 The itsy bitsy spider 442 00:22:32,392 --> 00:22:33,601 Crawled up the water spout 443 00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:35,144 They say that singing is... 444 00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:37,438 ...the best way to communicate with a child. 445 00:22:37,606 --> 00:22:38,898 l guess l haven't found... 446 00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:40,608 ...the right song for her yet. 447 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,610 That's too bad. Uh, the tree? 448 00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:44,862 The tree. Right. So l called them. 449 00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:46,447 They had one 12-foot fir left. 450 00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:48,949 -And l reserved it. -You got it? 451 00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:51,952 -Yeah. -Yes! You should have led off with that. 452 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,788 l know. l don't know why l didn't. 453 00:22:53,955 --> 00:22:55,790 -Okay, good. Let's go. -Whoo! 454 00:22:55,957 --> 00:22:56,874 You know. 455 00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:58,292 Okay. Next time. 456 00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:04,673 Now, before this party... 457 00:23:04,841 --> 00:23:07,468 -...we got to talk about your game. -Aw, dude, turn in there! 458 00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,637 Really? A tree farm? 459 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:15,142 "Best selection"... 460 00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:15,976 ...my ass. 461 00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:18,312 lt's Christmas Eve, okay? What do you expect? 462 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,788 lf l was a tree farmer... 463 00:23:19,856 --> 00:23:22,566 ...l'd be embarrassed. These trees are ghetto. 464 00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:23,859 What the fuck supposed that mean? 465 00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:27,905 He's just playing witth you. How you doing? l'm Latrell. 466 00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,657 Hello. Kumar. 467 00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:31,450 This is my partner in crime, Lamar. 468 00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:33,411 -So you two own this tree lot? -What? 469 00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:37,248 A couple of brothers can't sell trees? Only swing from them like monkeys? You hockeys 470 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,751 What? No! Of course not. You could do both. 471 00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,420 -What? -What? 472 00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:44,588 Sorry about that my boy here gets a little cagey during the holidays. 473 00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:46,674 -You know? -Word. Word. 474 00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:50,344 Anyway lf you're looking for trees, you should know we do custom work. 475 00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:53,431 -Ooh. How much is that? -That tree? Sorry. 476 00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:54,890 Just got reserved. 477 00:23:55,058 --> 00:23:56,892 l really need it for a friend of mine. l'll pay double. 478 00:23:57,060 --> 00:23:58,436 Oh, l got you now. 479 00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:01,021 You think when you have piece of money you can buy the black man's soul. 480 00:24:01,189 --> 00:24:03,190 Like we some Wayne Brady-ass niggers, right? 481 00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:04,191 Triple. 482 00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:05,901 l'll get the rope. 483 00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:10,531 Eh, can we drop this tree off at Sulu's and head to the city? already 484 00:24:10,699 --> 00:24:13,033 Just hold on a second, all right? 485 00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:14,452 l see I know what you're doing. 486 00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:15,911 Forget about her. 487 00:24:16,079 --> 00:24:17,371 -Think about me. -All right. 488 00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:21,041 Hold on. We'll drop the tree off and then we'll go get you your virgin. 489 00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:22,626 Yeah. 490 00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:26,922 We got another customer. 491 00:24:28,508 --> 00:24:30,384 Can l play angry black guy this time? 492 00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,261 Aw, come on. You just played it. 493 00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:33,762 And l got triple the money. 494 00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:35,806 Come on, please? Come on! 495 00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:36,974 Three French hens 496 00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:38,225 Would you stop? 497 00:24:38,393 --> 00:24:39,393 l wish l could stop 498 00:24:39,561 --> 00:24:40,769 Sorry, l'm trying my best 499 00:24:40,937 --> 00:24:42,062 Hi. You guys in charge? 500 00:24:43,356 --> 00:24:47,067 Yeah. What the fuck is it to you, motherfucker? 501 00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:48,402 Gat's coming out 502 00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:49,945 That was so good. Ha, ha. 503 00:24:50,113 --> 00:24:52,490 Listen we're just here to pick up a tree that we reserved. 504 00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:53,782 -We called. -Oh, yeah? 505 00:24:53,950 --> 00:24:56,577 We just sold your little punk-ass tree, bitch! 506 00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:57,661 What? You sold it? 507 00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:58,412 To who? 508 00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:00,414 Those white boys over there. 509 00:25:02,792 --> 00:25:03,918 Fuck! 510 00:25:04,085 --> 00:25:04,793 Hey. 511 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:06,295 Aah! Where are we going? 512 00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:09,507 Maybe if we catch up to them, they'll sell the tree back to us. 513 00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:10,508 Good idea! 514 00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:13,177 l'm sorry. 515 00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,304 -You lost your gangsta grill. -l know. 516 00:25:15,472 --> 00:25:17,765 -How you gonna be a gangsta? -l'm not one. 517 00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:20,768 -l gotta wear those tomorrow. -l know. 518 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,270 -You know l still love you, right? -l think you do. 519 00:25:23,438 --> 00:25:25,648 -l don't know why, but l do love you. -Thank you. 520 00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:28,192 Oh-ho-ho. Okay. Slow it down... 521 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,236 ...because we got precious cargo... 522 00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:32,363 ...and it is very icy out there. 523 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,449 -What? l don't see any ice. -You've never heard of black ice? 524 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:38,661 lt's like the worst ice there is. Black ice, it's everywhere. 525 00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:40,955 Relax. l can feel the road. lt's not that bad. 526 00:25:42,666 --> 00:25:43,832 Yo, slow down, man. 527 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,127 -You're going a little fast. -l gotta get to this party ASAP. 528 00:25:47,295 --> 00:25:49,672 Pussy's not like yogurt. lt has an expiration date. 529 00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:51,465 Yogurt has an expiration date. 530 00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:54,468 Does it? Damn it. Okay. That explains a lot. 531 00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:56,303 lt was really sour. 532 00:25:56,471 --> 00:25:58,472 But yogurt is sour, so how was l to know? you know 533 00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:00,975 Are you really hot? l'm, like, hot... 534 00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:02,351 ...but l'm cold-- Hello? 535 00:26:02,519 --> 00:26:03,852 You're not looking at me. 536 00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:06,105 l should look at the road and you look at me. 537 00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:07,439 -lt's opposite. -Watch out! 538 00:26:07,691 --> 00:26:08,732 Ow, ow. 539 00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:12,486 Holy shit! 540 00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:13,320 Black ice! 541 00:26:13,488 --> 00:26:14,530 Black ice! lt's real! 542 00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,323 Oh, shit! 543 00:26:16,491 --> 00:26:17,950 Oh, my God! 544 00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:19,743 Don't just scream! 545 00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:21,036 You're just screaming! 546 00:26:21,204 --> 00:26:22,162 That's not helpful! 547 00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:25,040 Oh, shit! 548 00:26:34,175 --> 00:26:35,050 Holy shit! 549 00:26:35,218 --> 00:26:36,176 Oh, Harry, stop! 550 00:26:36,928 --> 00:26:39,847 Aw.... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp. 551 00:26:43,852 --> 00:26:44,852 Oh, my ass. 552 00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:49,023 l am so going to tweet about that. Heh-heh-heh. 553 00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:51,191 You guys all right? How are you fucking alive? 554 00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:52,526 Harold? 555 00:26:52,986 --> 00:26:54,028 Kumar? 556 00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:56,614 That was you at the tree farm? You took my tree? 557 00:26:57,490 --> 00:26:59,700 -So you killed two of my trees in one night. -Hold on. 558 00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:01,744 That is a perfectly salvageable tree. 559 00:27:04,873 --> 00:27:07,207 That was a perfectly salvageable tree. 560 00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:11,378 That was the only 12-foot Fraser fir left in the fucking state. 561 00:27:11,546 --> 00:27:12,296 Fuck your tree! 562 00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:13,547 What about my car? 563 00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:14,882 l got a virgin to fuck! 564 00:27:15,050 --> 00:27:16,508 Who is this guy? Who is Glasses over here? 565 00:27:16,676 --> 00:27:18,552 Heh. Nice, Harry. 566 00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,388 -This is my friend, Adrian. -Oh. 567 00:27:21,765 --> 00:27:22,765 He's young. 568 00:27:22,932 --> 00:27:24,475 -Thank you. -Don't respond to him. 569 00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:26,101 Why the H... 570 00:27:26,269 --> 00:27:27,895 ...did you F-wads... 571 00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:32,066 ...take the tree that we had specifically called and reserved? 572 00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:33,400 Who is this toolbox? 573 00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:35,569 This is my friend, Todd. 574 00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:37,738 Oh, yeah? What kind of friend? Best friend? 575 00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:41,075 -l wouldn't say best-- Yes. -Yeah. Yep. Besties. 576 00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:42,910 That's awesome. 577 00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:44,161 Buddy. 578 00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:45,537 Homey. 579 00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,331 Okay This was fun. But l got... 580 00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:48,916 ...a hot date in the city. 581 00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:50,250 Now you guys have to take me there. 582 00:27:50,418 --> 00:27:51,418 What? No. 583 00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:54,505 -We're not taking you anywhere. -Not going through any tunnels. 584 00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:57,299 Dude, you are not depriving me of this: 585 00:27:57,467 --> 00:28:00,761 Hey, Adrian. l can't wait to finally meet you. 586 00:28:00,929 --> 00:28:03,472 I'm going to rock your world. 587 00:28:04,557 --> 00:28:05,307 l promise... 588 00:28:05,475 --> 00:28:07,059 ...it will be worth the wait. 589 00:28:10,105 --> 00:28:11,438 Wait, look at this fir. 590 00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:13,482 l'm pretty sure she's completely shaved. 591 00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:14,942 Shut up. The tree. 592 00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:16,527 lt's look exactly like Maria's dad's tree. 593 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,946 -lt's magnificent. -l'll make you a deal. 594 00:28:19,114 --> 00:28:21,198 You take me to the party, l will get you that tree. 595 00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:22,783 No. lt's already very late. 596 00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:24,201 Shut the fuck up, Todd! 597 00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:25,786 This doesn't concern you! 598 00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:27,955 -Easy. -He can not-- He is not allow-- 599 00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:29,832 Hey. Calm down. Calm down. 600 00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:32,960 l'm running out of time. l gotta be back with a fully decorated tree by 2 a.m. 601 00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:35,045 You know that, work with me. Listen. 602 00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:36,505 l'm not driving for the babysitting for nothing. 603 00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:38,799 You call first make sure we can get the tree, then you have a deal. 604 00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:39,633 Done. 605 00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:41,510 Hey, douche? 606 00:28:41,678 --> 00:28:42,261 Yeah? 607 00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:42,970 Shotgun. 608 00:28:43,138 --> 00:28:43,846 Oh. 609 00:28:44,139 --> 00:28:45,305 Scr-- 610 00:28:45,473 --> 00:28:46,974 S you. S you. 611 00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:50,310 "S"? 612 00:28:50,478 --> 00:28:51,979 -"S you"? -"Screw you." 613 00:28:52,147 --> 00:28:53,605 -Oh, right. -Screw you! 614 00:28:55,608 --> 00:28:57,818 "Harry"? Gotta be kidding me. 615 00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:00,947 The tree that is removable? 616 00:29:00,947 --> 00:29:02,865 Your call cannot be completed as dialed. 617 00:29:03,032 --> 00:29:05,784 -Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good. -Please hang up-- 618 00:29:05,952 --> 00:29:06,910 We can have the tree? 619 00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:08,078 She said it? 620 00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:09,329 She said that, yes. 621 00:29:09,706 --> 00:29:11,707 -Great. Let's go. -Okay. 622 00:29:14,002 --> 00:29:17,045 What is he doing? What is he doing? 623 00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:18,630 What are you doing? 624 00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:19,882 What? 625 00:29:20,049 --> 00:29:21,341 My daughter's in there! 626 00:29:21,509 --> 00:29:22,050 What? 627 00:29:22,218 --> 00:29:24,511 -Oh, shit! -What the fuck, Kumar? 628 00:29:24,679 --> 00:29:25,721 Sorry l didn't see her. 629 00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:27,097 You got my baby high! 630 00:29:27,265 --> 00:29:29,057 You got his baby high. 631 00:29:29,225 --> 00:29:30,392 Hold on a second. 632 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:34,021 Nobody gets high the first time they smoke weed. Don't you know anything? 633 00:29:35,732 --> 00:29:36,899 Okay, great. 634 00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:38,942 Now she has the giggles. 635 00:29:39,235 --> 00:29:40,986 -Sorry. -lf Emma finds out... 636 00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:42,196 ...about this we won't be able... 637 00:29:42,363 --> 00:29:43,572 ...to come to the party. 638 00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:44,656 What party? 639 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:46,575 Oh, it's just a work... 640 00:29:46,743 --> 00:29:47,701 ...Christmas party... 641 00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:49,077 ...kind of thing. 642 00:29:49,245 --> 00:29:49,870 Right, Todd? 643 00:29:50,038 --> 00:29:51,497 Yeah. lt's gonna be... 644 00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:52,706 ...classic. 645 00:29:53,708 --> 00:29:55,959 Okay, great. Now she's having a bad trip. 646 00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:57,294 Try singing again. 647 00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:58,712 lt never works. 648 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:00,380 -Hey. Hey. -What are you doing? 649 00:30:01,716 --> 00:30:02,382 Hey. 650 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,551 lf you want beef, then bring the ruckus 651 00:30:05,178 --> 00:30:06,136 Wu-Tang Clan ain't 652 00:30:06,304 --> 00:30:07,387 Nothin' to fuck with 653 00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:08,472 Straight from 654 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,390 The motherfucking slums that's busted 655 00:30:10,558 --> 00:30:12,059 Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with 656 00:30:12,227 --> 00:30:13,060 Ahh. 657 00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:16,814 Dude, you baby-whispered her. 658 00:30:17,232 --> 00:30:18,816 l do not care for the language... 659 00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,317 ...but that was very very impressive. 660 00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:21,610 What singing group... 661 00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:23,237 -...is that? -That`s The Wu-Tang Clan. 662 00:30:23,404 --> 00:30:25,322 The Gu-Ga-- The Wu-Gang Band? 663 00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,157 Wu-Tang Clan, Todd. 664 00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:27,950 Harry. 665 00:30:28,117 --> 00:30:30,577 When did you turn into Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert? 666 00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:32,246 There's a lot you don't know... 667 00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:33,205 ...about Harry, huh? 668 00:30:33,414 --> 00:30:34,581 Excuse me? 669 00:30:34,749 --> 00:30:36,583 -Was that directed to me? -Yeah, douche. 670 00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:38,126 Okay. Taken. 671 00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,421 l got the munchies. 672 00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:42,548 Now we have to... 673 00:30:42,715 --> 00:30:44,967 ...stop and get some disgusting food for her. 674 00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:48,011 So she can come down from her trip. Fantastic. 675 00:31:09,158 --> 00:31:12,828 Oh, by the way, if anybody asks, l'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach. 676 00:31:12,996 --> 00:31:13,996 -What? -What? 677 00:31:14,163 --> 00:31:17,207 lt's just this lie l sort of got caught in. 678 00:31:17,375 --> 00:31:19,835 Also, l told her you work for the White House. 679 00:31:20,003 --> 00:31:21,628 Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that. 680 00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:28,010 lt is l, the B-l-G, the B-O-l 681 00:31:28,177 --> 00:31:30,220 Well, l spy with my little eye... 682 00:31:30,388 --> 00:31:33,307 ...three felonies that l can see in this room right now. 683 00:31:33,474 --> 00:31:34,308 Four. 684 00:31:34,809 --> 00:31:37,519 That's it. That's our tree. lt's perfect. 685 00:31:37,812 --> 00:31:39,479 -lt's better than the photograph. -Ha, ha. 686 00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:40,647 lt's perfect. 687 00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:41,440 Hey, Glasses. 688 00:31:41,608 --> 00:31:44,693 -Find the girl, get the tree. Come on. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 689 00:31:46,154 --> 00:31:47,487 Yo, yo, yo! 690 00:31:47,822 --> 00:31:49,907 What it is, pimp, player... 691 00:31:50,074 --> 00:31:50,866 ...et cetera? 692 00:31:51,034 --> 00:31:53,452 -What's up? Where's Mary? -l don't know... 693 00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:56,371 ...dude, but if l was you, l would steer clear. 694 00:31:56,539 --> 00:31:58,498 Does she have a tail or something? What? 695 00:31:58,666 --> 00:32:01,960 Don't listen to these guys. lt takes balls to do what you're doing. 696 00:32:02,128 --> 00:32:03,128 You're freaking me out. 697 00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:04,880 -What is wrong with her? -Ha-ha-ha. 698 00:32:05,048 --> 00:32:06,673 Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you? 699 00:32:24,567 --> 00:32:26,193 Wow, you look just like... 700 00:32:26,361 --> 00:32:27,361 ...your profile pic. 701 00:32:27,528 --> 00:32:29,029 You look better. Hi. 702 00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:31,531 You're hot, girl. 703 00:32:31,699 --> 00:32:32,866 Thank you. 704 00:32:33,701 --> 00:32:36,870 So do you, like, want to see my room? 705 00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:38,538 Hey, hey. What about the tree? 706 00:32:38,706 --> 00:32:39,581 l'll get it. 707 00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:42,709 Just give me a minute, all right, man? Probably less. Heh. 708 00:32:42,877 --> 00:32:44,086 But hopefully more. Heh. 709 00:32:44,253 --> 00:32:45,545 Probably less. 710 00:32:45,713 --> 00:32:46,922 You owe me a tree, punk. 711 00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:51,301 Ugh. Ugh. 712 00:32:51,469 --> 00:32:53,971 Oh, great. Great. This is just great. 713 00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:56,723 -l've got to find a place to change a diaper. -Oh, God. 714 00:32:56,891 --> 00:33:00,602 Unless, of course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams would like to help with some poopy? 715 00:33:00,770 --> 00:33:01,770 Wu-Tang, dude. 716 00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:02,729 Woo-hoo. 717 00:33:04,065 --> 00:33:06,066 Your little fucking friend better get me a tree. 718 00:33:06,442 --> 00:33:08,235 l'm sorry about him, dude. l-- 719 00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:11,780 Hey, grandpa! 720 00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:13,657 -Toss it back. -Who you calling... 721 00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:15,909 ...grandpa, dude? l'm barely 30. 722 00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:17,786 Wanna start old man? l'll kick your ass... 723 00:33:17,954 --> 00:33:18,954 ...right now. 724 00:33:19,122 --> 00:33:20,247 Karate Kid style. 725 00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,039 Really? 726 00:33:21,207 --> 00:33:23,000 Which Karate Kid are you referring to? 727 00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:27,337 There's only one Karate Kid and it stars Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith. 728 00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:28,505 What? 729 00:33:28,673 --> 00:33:30,257 Generation Z, here's your ball back. 730 00:33:31,592 --> 00:33:34,845 Who invited these fucking losers? 731 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:36,847 Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay? 732 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,808 She promised us we could have that tree. Okay? Thank you. 733 00:33:39,976 --> 00:33:40,767 What? 734 00:33:40,935 --> 00:33:42,769 Fuck that! l don't care... 735 00:33:42,937 --> 00:33:45,772 ...what my sister said. l'm not letting you take our tree. 736 00:33:45,940 --> 00:33:47,774 Uh, actually, you are, you little fuckstain. 737 00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:49,109 Come on. 738 00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:51,820 Listen we're here to pick up the tree, then get out of here. 739 00:33:51,988 --> 00:33:53,280 lt's a bit of an emergency. 740 00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:55,532 Tell you what, we'll play you for it. 741 00:33:55,950 --> 00:33:56,783 lf you beat us... 742 00:33:56,951 --> 00:33:58,035 ...you get the tree. 743 00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:02,456 lf we beat you, we kick your clean asses out here and take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha. 744 00:34:02,623 --> 00:34:05,208 l'm sorry, do you want us to play you in beer pong? 745 00:34:05,418 --> 00:34:07,961 Oh, l'm sorry, l guess you guys haven't heard of it before. 746 00:34:08,129 --> 00:34:08,920 Oh, no, no. 747 00:34:09,088 --> 00:34:10,630 We've heard of it, dude. Yeah. 748 00:34:10,798 --> 00:34:13,300 Except, see, in our day, it was called Beirut. 749 00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:15,343 And we didn't have the rollback rule... 750 00:34:15,511 --> 00:34:16,970 ...like you pussies have today. 751 00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:21,516 l remember the day they announced the rule. Same day l kicked a little bitch's ass at it. 752 00:34:21,976 --> 00:34:23,769 It`s funny you remind me a lot of that guy... 753 00:34:23,936 --> 00:34:25,479 ...except you're shorter. 754 00:34:25,646 --> 00:34:26,980 And he had pubes. 755 00:34:27,273 --> 00:34:28,523 Oh, my God. l'm so excited. 756 00:34:29,442 --> 00:34:30,525 All my other friends... 757 00:34:30,693 --> 00:34:32,486 ...lost their virginity in 7th grade. 758 00:34:32,653 --> 00:34:34,154 l can't believe it's finally happening. 759 00:34:34,322 --> 00:34:37,657 What's the deal with that by the way? Why isn't everybody at school trying to sleep with you? 760 00:34:37,825 --> 00:34:40,494 Are you kidding? No guy at school will even touch me. 761 00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:41,745 Why won't they touch you? 762 00:34:42,121 --> 00:34:43,580 Probably because they're scared. 763 00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:45,499 Well, l don't get scared. 764 00:34:45,666 --> 00:34:47,834 Scared of-- What are they scared of, though? 765 00:34:48,002 --> 00:34:49,503 Hey! Enough talk. 766 00:34:53,174 --> 00:34:53,924 Are you gonna hit this? 767 00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,842 Yes. l will. Hit it. 768 00:34:57,553 --> 00:35:00,013 Aah. lt's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh. 769 00:35:00,181 --> 00:35:02,182 -What? -Never mind. Heh. 770 00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:04,351 Forget it. Heh. 771 00:35:06,479 --> 00:35:09,397 Okay, Daddy's gonna get you changed. Daddy is gonna get you-- 772 00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,775 Aah! Okay, l need this room... 773 00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:15,153 ...for a serious diaper situation. So l will ask you to stop... 774 00:35:15,321 --> 00:35:18,031 -...doing that. -Smush that pussy! Unh! 775 00:35:18,241 --> 00:35:18,949 Smush my pussy! 776 00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:19,866 l'm coming! 777 00:35:20,034 --> 00:35:21,701 -Oh, my God. -Oh, l'm coming! 778 00:35:22,036 --> 00:35:23,995 Baby, blow me. 779 00:35:25,748 --> 00:35:26,623 Ugh. 780 00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:32,420 A boom batta, these pockets... 781 00:35:32,588 --> 00:35:33,547 ...getting fatter. 782 00:35:33,714 --> 00:35:34,339 You guys... 783 00:35:34,507 --> 00:35:35,799 ...got nothing on me. 784 00:35:36,592 --> 00:35:38,885 Dude, l need this tree. 785 00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:40,512 l know. 786 00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:43,306 -We hit this, we win. -No matter. There's no way... 787 00:35:43,474 --> 00:35:45,892 ...you sinking this ball. Not in my house. 788 00:35:46,060 --> 00:35:48,061 Shut this motherfucker up, would you? 789 00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:54,734 -Time. -What? 790 00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:58,905 Show him the old "Roldy Roll." 791 00:35:59,073 --> 00:36:01,491 lt's too risky. l haven't done that in forever. 792 00:36:01,659 --> 00:36:04,244 No, dude, come on. You got this. Feel it. 793 00:36:12,461 --> 00:36:13,962 Hello, old friend. 794 00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:16,923 Clear. 795 00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:41,781 Who are those guys? 796 00:36:41,949 --> 00:36:44,784 l don't know, but they're fucking studs. 797 00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:54,628 l know this is your first time, so l'm gonna be extra gentle. 798 00:36:58,925 --> 00:36:59,633 Who's that? 799 00:37:00,134 --> 00:37:01,551 Oh, that's just my dad. 800 00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:04,346 Why does he look... 801 00:37:04,513 --> 00:37:05,555 ...so familiar? 802 00:37:42,843 --> 00:37:46,012 That's not good. No. 803 00:37:46,180 --> 00:37:48,181 Hey, are we gonna do this or what? 804 00:37:48,349 --> 00:37:50,517 Yeah, we are, but your dad is Sergei Katsov? Heh. 805 00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:53,561 Not again. Oh, my God. This happens every goddamn time. 806 00:37:53,729 --> 00:37:54,562 No, no, no. 807 00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:55,689 That`s it. Give me your dick. 808 00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:57,482 Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa. 809 00:37:57,650 --> 00:37:58,525 Wait, l almost got it. 810 00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:01,194 lt really hurts. You're digging your nails into it! Aah! 811 00:38:02,363 --> 00:38:03,697 Are you going soft on me? 812 00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:04,739 Uh-uh. 813 00:38:04,907 --> 00:38:06,366 You better not go fucking soft on me! 814 00:38:06,534 --> 00:38:08,034 l'm not, it's just hard. 815 00:38:08,202 --> 00:38:09,703 Aah! And it really, really hurts. 816 00:38:09,870 --> 00:38:11,746 Stop, just give me a two-minute break. Aah! 817 00:38:12,206 --> 00:38:13,248 So how do we do this? 818 00:38:13,874 --> 00:38:16,126 There's gotta be a freight elevator or something in here. 819 00:38:16,335 --> 00:38:19,170 -We take the ornaments off, or...? -We could. 820 00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:23,466 Hey, guys. l just wanted to say that was an epic match. 821 00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:25,385 -Good win. -Thanks, kid. 822 00:38:25,553 --> 00:38:27,095 l'm sorry l was such a dick... 823 00:38:27,263 --> 00:38:29,723 ...to you guys earlier. l just thought you were bunch of old assholes. 824 00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:31,558 But real talk... 825 00:38:31,726 --> 00:38:34,227 ...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers. 826 00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:37,063 -Thanks. -No, no. Come on. Don't. 827 00:38:37,231 --> 00:38:40,483 Roldy, the kid is acknowledging the error of his ways. You gotta respect that. 828 00:38:42,611 --> 00:38:44,571 Come on, man, it's Christmas. 829 00:38:44,905 --> 00:38:46,156 Thanks, kid. 830 00:38:46,407 --> 00:38:47,782 -All right. -Cheers. 831 00:38:47,950 --> 00:38:49,451 -Cheers. -Cheers. 832 00:38:50,202 --> 00:38:52,495 Mm. lt's good. 833 00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:56,458 Why don't you guys just sit down and l'll get that tree all wrapped up for you. 834 00:38:56,625 --> 00:38:57,917 -Thank you. -Thanks, man. 835 00:38:58,085 --> 00:38:59,085 Appreciate it. 836 00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,006 Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine! 837 00:39:03,591 --> 00:39:04,382 Have you kids... 838 00:39:04,550 --> 00:39:07,177 ...never seen VH1's Behind the Music? 839 00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:08,511 Do you not know... 840 00:39:08,679 --> 00:39:12,766 ...what cocaine can do to the mind of a person as young as you? 841 00:39:23,277 --> 00:39:25,362 Unh, reporting live from the kitchen 842 00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:27,113 With a brand-new swag 843 00:39:27,281 --> 00:39:28,823 Dude, do you feel kind of weird? 844 00:39:28,991 --> 00:39:31,868 Yeah, l do, actually. My face is feeling kind of numb. 845 00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:33,119 Oh, fuck. 846 00:39:33,287 --> 00:39:34,788 I bet those kids put something in here. 847 00:39:34,955 --> 00:39:36,498 Was it drugs? Was it semen? 848 00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:40,835 lt doesn't taste like semen. 849 00:39:41,837 --> 00:39:43,338 Uh! You fucking... 850 00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,340 -...loser! - Mary Please, give me another chance! 851 00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:46,966 l'm begging you! 852 00:39:47,134 --> 00:39:49,177 l'm really, really, really sorry! 853 00:39:50,304 --> 00:39:53,640 That we had sex too well too often. 854 00:39:53,808 --> 00:39:55,975 "Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry. 855 00:39:56,143 --> 00:39:57,102 Somebody is gonna... 856 00:39:57,269 --> 00:39:59,646 ...fuck me tonight! You! 857 00:40:01,023 --> 00:40:02,899 Oh, no. Ha. Married. 858 00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:04,484 -He's single. -Hi. Kumar. 859 00:40:04,652 --> 00:40:05,777 Sorry l don't date black guys. 860 00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:07,320 -What? Whoa! -Unh! 861 00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:09,406 -What are you doing? -Getting you ready. 862 00:40:09,573 --> 00:40:11,324 -Get her off me! -Right, sorry, sorry! 863 00:40:11,492 --> 00:40:12,867 Uh, Excuse me Miss l'm not gonna let you... 864 00:40:13,035 --> 00:40:15,787 ...rape my friend on Christmas Eve. He's married. 865 00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:25,004 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 866 00:40:25,339 --> 00:40:26,589 Who the fuck are you? 867 00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:34,514 Stop resisting. 868 00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:35,932 Push harder, dude! 869 00:40:36,100 --> 00:40:37,142 l am doing it! 870 00:40:37,309 --> 00:40:38,184 l can't get her... 871 00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:40,478 -...off! -Oh, God! 872 00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:43,773 Mariana? 873 00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:46,568 Daddy. 874 00:40:48,028 --> 00:40:48,903 Daddy. 875 00:40:51,657 --> 00:40:52,449 That's Sergei... 876 00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:53,783 ...Katsov. 877 00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:54,784 l know, dude. 878 00:40:54,994 --> 00:40:56,161 Start talking. 879 00:40:56,328 --> 00:40:57,704 -Somebody start talking. -Okay. 880 00:40:59,748 --> 00:41:00,457 She-- 881 00:41:00,624 --> 00:41:01,875 Start talking! Now! 882 00:41:02,042 --> 00:41:05,879 Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is Harold. lt's very nice to meet you. 883 00:41:06,046 --> 00:41:08,381 Um, l know this is gonna be a little hard for you to believe... 884 00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:11,551 ...but your daughter, sir, was the one who was actually trying to rape us. 885 00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:12,719 She's the raper. 886 00:41:12,887 --> 00:41:14,721 No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy. 887 00:41:14,889 --> 00:41:17,307 These men came in here, l didn't know who they were. 888 00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:18,933 l think that they got me drunk. 889 00:41:19,101 --> 00:41:20,894 No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect. 890 00:41:21,061 --> 00:41:22,437 You got my daughter drunk? 891 00:41:22,605 --> 00:41:24,898 Sir, if l may. This is all a big.... 892 00:41:25,524 --> 00:41:26,733 Let me pull my pants up. 893 00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:28,443 lt's all a big misunderstanding. 894 00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:30,737 Your children are the ones who threw the party. 895 00:41:32,114 --> 00:41:36,075 We have nothing to do with all the drugs and all the alcohol. 896 00:41:36,952 --> 00:41:38,286 Okay, listen up! 897 00:41:38,454 --> 00:41:39,370 Party's over! 898 00:41:39,538 --> 00:41:40,371 My baby... 899 00:41:40,539 --> 00:41:43,708 -...is fucked on cocaine! -l've heard enough. 900 00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,834 Gustav. 901 00:41:46,128 --> 00:41:47,629 -What? Oh, shit! -No! No! 902 00:41:47,796 --> 00:41:49,923 Why does it always have to be "Gustav"? 903 00:41:50,090 --> 00:41:52,675 -Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"? -He means both of us. 904 00:41:52,843 --> 00:41:54,260 Why can't he say both of us? 905 00:41:54,428 --> 00:41:55,762 Both of you... 906 00:41:56,597 --> 00:41:58,431 ...kill them. Kill them all! 907 00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:01,768 -Aah! -Go! 908 00:42:01,936 --> 00:42:02,602 Now! 909 00:42:03,437 --> 00:42:04,771 Unh, ah! Ava! 910 00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:06,731 Come with me if you wanna live! 911 00:42:06,899 --> 00:42:08,066 What? No, no! 912 00:42:08,234 --> 00:42:08,775 No, no, no! 913 00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:46,980 Aah. Where's my baby? 914 00:42:47,147 --> 00:42:48,189 -Ava! Ava! -Shh! 915 00:42:48,399 --> 00:42:50,650 Where could my baby be? Where's my baby? 916 00:42:54,196 --> 00:42:56,489 Your coke baby has superpowers. 917 00:42:59,868 --> 00:43:01,744 -That was close. -l know, right? 918 00:43:02,830 --> 00:43:04,831 Were you starting to trip out a little bit? 919 00:43:05,833 --> 00:43:09,210 Because l think l was starting to trip out back there a little bit. 920 00:43:09,378 --> 00:43:12,755 Yeah, definitely, man. l think there was something in the eggnog. 921 00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:14,340 lt's pretty fucking sweet. 922 00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:15,383 Don't worry. 923 00:43:15,551 --> 00:43:17,343 l'm pretty sure it's wearing off. 924 00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,514 Or maybe not? 925 00:43:21,682 --> 00:43:24,017 Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated! 926 00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:25,685 Ha-ha-ha. So are you! 927 00:43:25,853 --> 00:43:26,894 So is he. 928 00:43:27,187 --> 00:43:28,646 What's up, blood? 929 00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:32,775 Dude, everything's Claymated! 930 00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:34,027 Fuck you! 931 00:43:34,194 --> 00:43:35,361 This is great! 932 00:43:35,529 --> 00:43:38,531 No, it's not! How am l supposed to get a tree now? l'm made of clay. 933 00:43:38,699 --> 00:43:40,074 Ooh, hold on. l have an idea. 934 00:43:40,242 --> 00:43:41,075 What the hell--? 935 00:43:41,660 --> 00:43:42,368 Yah! 936 00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:44,412 -Clay cocks! -Put your cock away. 937 00:43:46,081 --> 00:43:48,041 Dude, relax. lt's gonna wear off soon. 938 00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,711 Dude, are you seeing what l'm seeing? 939 00:43:51,879 --> 00:43:52,795 What the fuck? 940 00:43:53,088 --> 00:43:55,798 Don't worry, nothing bad ever happens in Claymation. 941 00:43:57,718 --> 00:43:58,676 Whoa! 942 00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:00,053 Shit! 943 00:44:00,220 --> 00:44:01,220 Fuck! 944 00:44:09,438 --> 00:44:10,813 Dude, look out! 945 00:44:27,581 --> 00:44:28,665 Come on, let's hide... 946 00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:29,582 ...in that tree. 947 00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:30,708 Dude, come on! 948 00:44:36,632 --> 00:44:37,715 Aww. 949 00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:40,176 Hey, little guy. 950 00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:44,263 Just wanna take you home and cuddle with you all night long. 951 00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:46,265 You hungry? 952 00:44:51,605 --> 00:44:53,147 Fuck me! 953 00:44:55,943 --> 00:44:56,943 Mommy! 954 00:44:57,111 --> 00:44:58,152 Hold me! 955 00:44:58,320 --> 00:44:59,612 -Roldy! -Kumar! 956 00:44:59,780 --> 00:45:02,115 -What the hell's the matter with you? -What are you guys doing? 957 00:45:02,282 --> 00:45:04,117 -Rosenberg. -Goldstein? 958 00:45:04,284 --> 00:45:07,954 We were doing last-minute shopping with my boy here when we saw you... 959 00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:09,956 ...tearing that snowman a new tuchus. 960 00:45:10,124 --> 00:45:11,791 You boys are gonna catch your death... 961 00:45:11,959 --> 00:45:14,127 ...of cold out here. Let's get you a nice meal. 962 00:45:14,294 --> 00:45:16,129 ls there somewhere we can get something to eat? 963 00:45:25,639 --> 00:45:27,890 This is why l tell you not to have people over. 964 00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:32,854 Every single other person got out of here except for us. 965 00:45:33,021 --> 00:45:35,148 -l knew you'd bring that up. -You grabbed me. 966 00:45:35,315 --> 00:45:37,567 You said, "Come with me if you want to live." 967 00:45:41,655 --> 00:45:43,740 -Man, l don't think that's okay. -lt's fine. 968 00:45:43,907 --> 00:45:46,325 lt's not fine! My baby's on cocaine. 969 00:45:46,827 --> 00:45:48,369 l'm on cocaine. 970 00:45:49,663 --> 00:45:50,788 l'm addicted to cocaine. 971 00:45:54,168 --> 00:45:55,334 Yo! ldiots! 972 00:45:56,670 --> 00:45:57,837 l want you to find... 973 00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:00,298 ...the men who violated... 974 00:46:00,466 --> 00:46:01,841 ...my daughter... 975 00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:04,343 ...and l want you to fucking kill them! 976 00:46:05,888 --> 00:46:08,347 -Still hits the spot. -l know, right? 977 00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:11,851 Oh, l almost forgot. Harold, my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back out. 978 00:46:12,019 --> 00:46:13,686 So me and him, we're not gonna... 979 00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:15,521 ...be able to make your party. 980 00:46:15,689 --> 00:46:17,398 -l'm so sorry about that. -lt's okay. 981 00:46:17,566 --> 00:46:21,360 There's not really a-- We should get going. We got a Christmas tree emergency. 982 00:46:21,528 --> 00:46:24,864 l don't understand what it is with you people and your trees. 983 00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:26,032 For us Christians... 984 00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,868 ...the tree is a very important part of our holiday. 985 00:46:29,036 --> 00:46:30,953 Okay, don't start with this. All right? 986 00:46:31,121 --> 00:46:36,042 Just because your wife made you convert doesn't mean you're not a Jew! 987 00:46:36,376 --> 00:46:39,545 His name is Seth Goldstein. For Christ's sake! 988 00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:41,839 First of all, don't ever take the Lord's... 989 00:46:42,007 --> 00:46:43,424 ...name in vain. Secondly... 990 00:46:43,592 --> 00:46:44,967 ...l was baptized, bitch! 991 00:46:45,636 --> 00:46:46,803 The second the priest... 992 00:46:46,970 --> 00:46:48,679 ...poured that holy water over me... 993 00:46:48,847 --> 00:46:51,766 ...all my Jewish neurosis and self-hatred just washed right off. 994 00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:54,143 Sounds like you're enjoying your new religion. 995 00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:55,561 Dude, it's the balls. 996 00:46:55,729 --> 00:46:57,355 These dirty Jew bastards have... 997 00:46:57,523 --> 00:46:59,065 ...no idea what they're missing. 998 00:46:59,233 --> 00:47:01,275 Fishing! Hunting! l can tie knots on a sailboat. 999 00:47:01,443 --> 00:47:02,860 l made terrible investments... 1000 00:47:03,028 --> 00:47:04,487 ...doesn't bother me a bit. 1001 00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:06,239 And guess what. Next week... 1002 00:47:06,406 --> 00:47:08,825 ...l have an appointment to get uncircumcised. 1003 00:47:08,992 --> 00:47:11,619 That's right, l'm gonna get my snozzle. 1004 00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:15,581 Guys, l'd love to stay and chat but l gotta go get this tree. 1005 00:47:15,749 --> 00:47:17,250 Christmas tree! Christmas tree! 1006 00:47:20,629 --> 00:47:22,880 lt's glorious. lsn't it Christian? 1007 00:47:23,423 --> 00:47:24,590 Great to see you guys. I gotta go 1008 00:47:24,758 --> 00:47:26,425 See you, guys. No, wait. 1009 00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:27,677 Excuse me! 1010 00:47:27,886 --> 00:47:31,097 You still owe me 87 cents for that jalapeno cheeseburger! 1011 00:47:31,265 --> 00:47:35,017 Ah! Guess that holy water didn't wash everything off, now did it? 1012 00:47:36,770 --> 00:47:38,271 God, that tree is perfect. 1013 00:47:38,438 --> 00:47:39,522 Let's go check it out. 1014 00:47:39,690 --> 00:47:40,940 Tickets, please. 1015 00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:42,692 l'm sorry, we don't have tickets. 1016 00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:44,026 I`m sorry. They sold out months ago. 1017 00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:46,612 -But-- -Step aside, please. 1018 00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:48,948 l said step aside. 1019 00:47:51,451 --> 00:47:52,785 Shit. 1020 00:47:54,121 --> 00:47:56,831 You know what? Fuck it, it's almost midnight. l give up. 1021 00:47:56,999 --> 00:47:58,124 Oh Roldy, You can't give up yet. 1022 00:47:59,001 --> 00:48:00,126 Look... 1023 00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:02,920 ...l think I have an idea on how we might get that tree out. 1024 00:48:03,213 --> 00:48:04,714 -What? -lt's not gonna be easy. 1025 00:48:04,882 --> 00:48:06,841 But this may be the last chance that we've got. 1026 00:48:08,135 --> 00:48:08,968 Here's what we do. 1027 00:48:10,554 --> 00:48:12,388 First, we need to steal some tickets. 1028 00:48:12,556 --> 00:48:15,141 Then l slip off to the side and take out the archbishop. 1029 00:48:17,185 --> 00:48:18,936 l head down to the nuns' shower room. 1030 00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:23,316 l didn't know the nuns all showered in the same room. 1031 00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:25,359 Of course I do. How do you think they stay so clean? 1032 00:48:26,862 --> 00:48:30,531 Anyway while the nuns are lezzing it out, I'm gonna snag the key to the back room. 1033 00:48:30,699 --> 00:48:32,158 What back room? 1034 00:48:32,326 --> 00:48:35,661 The back room that the priests are guarding. Am l going too fast? 1035 00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:36,829 -No. -Okay, good. 1036 00:48:36,997 --> 00:48:38,831 Cause you're the one in charge of distracting them. 1037 00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:40,166 How the hell do l do that? 1038 00:48:40,334 --> 00:48:42,501 That's easy, you'll just use our secret weapon. 1039 00:48:42,669 --> 00:48:47,173 Pillow fight in the altar boys' room. Last one there's a rotten egg. 1040 00:48:48,550 --> 00:48:51,677 Once the coast is clear, we use the key to get into the back room. 1041 00:48:51,845 --> 00:48:53,346 I stay guard while you kill the power. 1042 00:48:53,513 --> 00:48:55,681 While everyone's trying to figure out how to turn the power back on... 1043 00:48:55,849 --> 00:48:57,808 ...you and l will get the tree. 1044 00:48:57,976 --> 00:49:00,728 We take it to your place, and when Maria's dad comes home... 1045 00:49:00,896 --> 00:49:02,772 ...and sees this beautiful tree... 1046 00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:05,191 ...in your living room, he'll jizz all over it. 1047 00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:07,735 What do you think? 1048 00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:10,029 Uncle Harold. 1049 00:49:10,197 --> 00:49:12,949 l think l see Uncle Harold over there. 1050 00:49:13,116 --> 00:49:15,242 What do you mean, you see Uncle Harold? 1051 00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:21,082 Baby? 1052 00:49:21,708 --> 00:49:23,042 Oh, sorry, sir. 1053 00:49:23,543 --> 00:49:24,293 lt's okay, baby. 1054 00:49:24,461 --> 00:49:27,046 They all look alike to me too. Ha-ha-ha. 1055 00:49:28,882 --> 00:49:33,135 Fuck! Midnight Mass. ls it midnight already? Fucking midnight! 1056 00:49:33,303 --> 00:49:34,553 Running out of time. 1057 00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:37,056 Wait, wait, wait! What the hell are we doing? 1058 00:49:37,224 --> 00:49:39,475 Hold on. What the hell's going on? 1059 00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:42,603 He almost spotted us! l'm supposed to be at home with the christmas tree. 1060 00:49:42,771 --> 00:49:45,064 But why are you making such a big deal about this? 1061 00:49:45,232 --> 00:49:47,400 Because it is a big deal. 1062 00:49:47,567 --> 00:49:50,069 Who gives a shit what your father-in-law thinks man? 1063 00:49:50,237 --> 00:49:54,240 l give a shit what my father-in-law thinks. You wouldn't understand. 1064 00:49:55,575 --> 00:49:57,743 No, dude, l don't understand. 1065 00:49:58,328 --> 00:50:01,414 You got a great job, you make good money, you don't beat your wife. 1066 00:50:01,581 --> 00:50:03,749 What more could a Latino father-in-law ask for? 1067 00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:05,543 -Well.... -lf l were you... 1068 00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:07,753 ...l'd tell him to eat a cockmeat sandwich. 1069 00:50:09,464 --> 00:50:10,840 You should not go through... 1070 00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:12,758 ...all this just to make him happy. 1071 00:50:13,343 --> 00:50:15,094 You're right, l don't have to. 1072 00:50:15,762 --> 00:50:17,096 l want to. 1073 00:50:17,764 --> 00:50:21,517 l want him to be happy because l want Maria to be happy. 1074 00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:24,603 Because what makes Maria happy is what makes me happy. 1075 00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:26,063 Don't you get it man? 1076 00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:28,566 l don't have to be doing this. 1077 00:50:29,109 --> 00:50:30,776 l wanna be doing this. 1078 00:50:32,612 --> 00:50:33,612 What the fuck? 1079 00:50:33,780 --> 00:50:36,615 Smoke break ended 10 minutes ago! We need all bodies on-stage now! 1080 00:50:38,452 --> 00:50:41,912 Oh, my God, you guys aren't even dressed? Jesus fucking Christ! 1081 00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:43,122 You have the wrong people. 1082 00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:44,290 Wardrobe! 1083 00:50:44,458 --> 00:50:47,084 Go! Come on, come on, come on! Shut up! 1084 00:50:48,795 --> 00:50:51,672 Ma'am, you seem like a very nice person. 1085 00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,132 Go! Move! 1086 00:50:53,300 --> 00:50:54,592 Fucking actors. 1087 00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,428 And now, ladies and gentlemen... 1088 00:50:57,596 --> 00:50:59,305 ...without further ado... 1089 00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:01,098 -...the man... -Look at these firs. 1090 00:51:01,266 --> 00:51:02,808 ...you've all been waiting for: 1091 00:51:02,976 --> 00:51:04,310 America's sweetheart! 1092 00:51:04,478 --> 00:51:05,311 Deck the halls with boughs of holly 1093 00:51:05,479 --> 00:51:06,479 Holy shit. Neil. 1094 00:51:06,980 --> 00:51:09,231 Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 1095 00:51:09,775 --> 00:51:10,524 Dance. 1096 00:51:10,692 --> 00:51:11,525 What? 1097 00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,319 Blend. Blend. Blend. 1098 00:51:13,487 --> 00:51:14,361 Harold. Wait! 1099 00:51:14,946 --> 00:51:17,156 Don we now our gay apparel 1100 00:51:17,324 --> 00:51:19,992 Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la 1101 00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:22,328 Troll the ancient yuletide carol 1102 00:51:22,496 --> 00:51:24,038 Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la 1103 00:51:24,831 --> 00:51:26,248 La-la! 1104 00:51:31,129 --> 00:51:33,839 You better watch out You better not cry 1105 00:51:34,007 --> 00:51:36,383 You better not pout I'm tellin' you why 1106 00:51:36,551 --> 00:51:38,803 Santa Claus is comin' 1107 00:51:38,970 --> 00:51:40,554 To town 1108 00:51:42,015 --> 00:51:43,849 He sees you when you're sleeping 1109 00:51:44,017 --> 00:51:45,184 He knows when you're awake 1110 00:51:47,854 --> 00:51:48,896 Oh, my God! 1111 00:51:49,189 --> 00:51:51,232 So be good for goodness' sake 1112 00:51:57,405 --> 00:52:00,658 Santa Claus is comin' to town 1113 00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:08,999 l played my drum for him 1114 00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:10,876 Pa rum pum pum pum 1115 00:52:13,213 --> 00:52:14,839 Then he 1116 00:52:15,006 --> 00:52:16,257 Smiled at me 1117 00:52:16,842 --> 00:52:18,509 Pa rum pum pum pum 1118 00:52:19,219 --> 00:52:21,220 Me and my drum 1119 00:52:30,105 --> 00:52:37,570 We wish you a merry Christmas 1120 00:52:37,737 --> 00:52:40,030 And a happy New Year 1121 00:52:40,198 --> 00:52:47,079 We wish you a merry Christmas 1122 00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:49,957 And a happy 1123 00:52:50,125 --> 00:52:55,254 New Year 1124 00:53:00,927 --> 00:53:02,595 Merry Christmas, everyone! 1125 00:53:04,806 --> 00:53:07,057 All right, that's a cut. Great job. 1126 00:53:07,225 --> 00:53:09,310 Great job. l've just got a few notes, okay? 1127 00:53:09,477 --> 00:53:11,604 Just gonna come on the stage. 1128 00:53:11,771 --> 00:53:12,938 Oh, God. 1129 00:53:13,565 --> 00:53:14,899 Fucking tight jeans. 1130 00:53:16,610 --> 00:53:21,447 NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing the heat, and you are bringing it hard. 1131 00:53:21,615 --> 00:53:23,949 You're a dream, but unfortunately... 1132 00:53:24,117 --> 00:53:26,118 ...these backup blowjob artists... 1133 00:53:26,286 --> 00:53:28,454 ...are ruining everything! 1134 00:53:28,622 --> 00:53:29,955 l can run it again. If you like 1135 00:53:30,123 --> 00:53:33,459 No, no, no. No, you skedaddle. Go and get some rest, huh? 1136 00:53:33,627 --> 00:53:35,461 Make yourself fresh, okay? Ha, ha. 1137 00:53:36,796 --> 00:53:37,963 Damn it! 1138 00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:43,844 Hey, Gracie, chin up. 1139 00:53:44,012 --> 00:53:46,013 Happens to the best of us. You up for... 1140 00:53:46,181 --> 00:53:48,098 -...one-on-one rehearsing later? -Wait. 1141 00:53:49,017 --> 00:53:50,017 You know my name? 1142 00:53:50,185 --> 00:53:54,271 Of course. You're doing great out there. l thought we could work on a thing or two. 1143 00:53:54,439 --> 00:53:57,316 -How about meet me in my dressing room, five minutes. -Yes! 1144 00:53:57,484 --> 00:54:00,110 Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris. 1145 00:54:00,278 --> 00:54:03,030 -l'll gonna go, get changed and be right over. -l'll see you then. 1146 00:54:05,283 --> 00:54:07,826 You really think Neil can get us one of those trees? 1147 00:54:07,994 --> 00:54:10,496 After all we've been through with that guy, he fucking better. 1148 00:54:10,664 --> 00:54:11,997 No shit. 1149 00:54:12,624 --> 00:54:14,083 Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye. 1150 00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:17,503 Hollywood Hearsay. ls it true that you're replacing Regis now that he`s retiring? 1151 00:54:17,671 --> 00:54:18,837 lt'll be tough between... 1152 00:54:19,005 --> 00:54:21,674 ...How l Met Your Mother and all my charity work, but we'll see. 1153 00:54:21,841 --> 00:54:24,802 Oh, wow. And you stunned fans when you said you were gay. 1154 00:54:24,970 --> 00:54:28,055 How has this affected your relationship with your partner, David? 1155 00:54:28,223 --> 00:54:30,683 Well, maybe this'll answer your question. 1156 00:54:32,143 --> 00:54:33,644 So hot, NPH. 1157 00:54:33,812 --> 00:54:36,522 Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha. Hey. How about that? 1158 00:54:36,690 --> 00:54:38,315 Thank you. l love you guys. 1159 00:54:39,651 --> 00:54:41,527 Ugh. What did l tell you about using tongue? 1160 00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:43,529 You said you wanted it to look realistic. 1161 00:54:43,697 --> 00:54:46,407 Yeah, realistic, not fucking gay as shit. 1162 00:54:46,574 --> 00:54:49,493 The only reason l put up with this homo crap is for the p-tang. 1163 00:54:49,703 --> 00:54:50,995 Fuck this! l got a wife... 1164 00:54:51,162 --> 00:54:52,788 ...and kid at home. l'm out of here. 1165 00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:53,998 Wait, man. 1166 00:54:54,165 --> 00:54:55,249 What about the stuff? 1167 00:54:55,458 --> 00:54:56,875 -What stuff? -The stuff. 1168 00:54:57,043 --> 00:54:58,168 You said you`d give me the stuff. 1169 00:54:58,878 --> 00:54:59,712 This stuff? 1170 00:55:01,006 --> 00:55:01,839 Oh, yeah. 1171 00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:03,549 You'd like this whole bag of crack. 1172 00:55:03,717 --> 00:55:04,508 Wouldn't you? 1173 00:55:04,676 --> 00:55:07,344 Well, maybe l should give it to someone else. 1174 00:55:07,512 --> 00:55:09,513 You know l got Fred Savage on speed dial. 1175 00:55:09,681 --> 00:55:11,849 Fuck Savage! That rock is mine! 1176 00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:15,894 Give it to me. Come on, David, give me the stuff. Give me the sugar. 1177 00:55:16,062 --> 00:55:18,230 -Put money in my account. -You got it. Done. 1178 00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:21,191 -And sing at my niece's quinceanera. -All right, l'll sing. 1179 00:55:21,359 --> 00:55:23,235 -You can't fuck her! -l can't make that promise. 1180 00:55:23,403 --> 00:55:24,403 -Fine. -No! All right! 1181 00:55:24,571 --> 00:55:25,362 l won't fuck her! 1182 00:55:25,530 --> 00:55:27,281 Just let me have the rock. 1183 00:55:27,449 --> 00:55:28,365 Excuse me, Neil? 1184 00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:29,658 Oh. Oh, this is-- 1185 00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,035 Sorry l can come back later. 1186 00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:34,455 -No! No, l'm heading out. Ha, ha. -No, we were just-- Hi. 1187 00:55:34,622 --> 00:55:36,373 Bye-bye, sweet pea. 1188 00:55:36,541 --> 00:55:38,459 -You behave yourself, peaches. Ha-ha-ha. -Always. 1189 00:55:38,626 --> 00:55:39,918 You guys are too cute. 1190 00:55:40,086 --> 00:55:40,836 Fuck you. 1191 00:55:41,004 --> 00:55:41,587 l do love... 1192 00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,339 ...that handsome man. 1193 00:55:43,715 --> 00:55:45,132 Thank you so much for this... 1194 00:55:45,300 --> 00:55:47,092 ...opportunity to work with you. 1195 00:55:47,260 --> 00:55:48,260 Sure. Come on in. 1196 00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:49,887 What would you like to rehearse? 1197 00:55:50,055 --> 00:55:52,181 Oh. Nothing specific. Just some general stuff. 1198 00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:54,933 You seemed so little tense up there. l thought maybe we could loosen you up. 1199 00:55:55,101 --> 00:55:56,268 Take your sweater off. 1200 00:55:57,771 --> 00:55:58,437 Oh, no, no. 1201 00:55:58,605 --> 00:55:59,813 For a massage. Heh. 1202 00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:02,399 David'll tell you, these hands are magical. 1203 00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:05,778 Well, l don't really have anything on underneath, so.... 1204 00:56:05,945 --> 00:56:08,072 Oh, it's okay. lt's just a couple girlfriends. 1205 00:56:09,783 --> 00:56:11,116 Now take it off. 1206 00:56:11,659 --> 00:56:12,743 Okay. 1207 00:56:16,456 --> 00:56:18,415 Why don't you lay on the bed? 1208 00:56:28,593 --> 00:56:29,802 -Ow. -Sorry. 1209 00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:35,265 Feels good. 1210 00:56:35,433 --> 00:56:37,142 Yeah, it does feel good. 1211 00:56:37,310 --> 00:56:39,353 l can't.... l can't.... 1212 00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:42,189 -Can l take this bra off? -Um.... 1213 00:56:42,482 --> 00:56:44,817 -lt's okay. Girlfriends. -Ha-ha-ha. 1214 00:56:45,443 --> 00:56:46,944 That's better. 1215 00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:48,612 Should we do something? 1216 00:56:48,780 --> 00:56:51,490 l don't know, l kind of wanna see what happens next. 1217 00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:52,950 Feels good. 1218 00:56:53,118 --> 00:56:54,326 Oh, it's so hard. 1219 00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:56,787 This knot on your back is so hard. 1220 00:56:56,955 --> 00:56:58,622 Look, don't be alarmed... 1221 00:56:59,833 --> 00:57:03,877 ...but l'm gonna squirt some lotion on your back in about... 1222 00:57:04,337 --> 00:57:05,629 ...35 seconds. 1223 00:57:05,797 --> 00:57:06,672 Excuse me? 1224 00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:08,048 -Shut up. -What the fuck? 1225 00:57:08,216 --> 00:57:09,341 Shut the fuck up! 1226 00:57:09,509 --> 00:57:10,634 Get the fuck off of me! 1227 00:57:10,802 --> 00:57:12,678 You like it rough? that`s cool l can play that way. 1228 00:57:12,846 --> 00:57:14,513 God! l thought you were gay! 1229 00:57:14,681 --> 00:57:16,181 l am gay. Gay for that pussy. 1230 00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:17,349 Oh! 1231 00:57:17,517 --> 00:57:19,560 l don't know what kind of sick game you're playing... 1232 00:57:19,727 --> 00:57:21,979 ...but you ever touch me again, l'll fucking rip your dick off! 1233 00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:29,570 Morty, Kumar, long time. 1234 00:57:31,656 --> 00:57:33,740 lt's Harold, actually. 1235 00:57:33,908 --> 00:57:35,409 Ha-ha-ha. Of course it is. 1236 00:57:35,618 --> 00:57:36,869 Come on, you two have a seat. 1237 00:57:37,036 --> 00:57:40,539 How long has it been? You two look great. Have you lost weight? 1238 00:57:40,707 --> 00:57:42,332 ls that Hugo Boss? l love it. 1239 00:57:42,500 --> 00:57:44,543 Well, thanks. Listen, um.... 1240 00:57:45,044 --> 00:57:47,880 Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris? 1241 00:57:48,381 --> 00:57:49,715 Shut up! 1242 00:57:49,924 --> 00:57:50,883 God, l hate this... 1243 00:57:51,050 --> 00:57:53,051 ...fucking PancakeBot thing. 1244 00:57:53,219 --> 00:57:54,720 Dude, it's a WaffleBot not a PancakeBot. 1245 00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:56,013 They're awesome. 1246 00:57:56,181 --> 00:57:56,763 WaffleThing. 1247 00:57:56,931 --> 00:57:58,056 Get the fuck... 1248 00:57:58,224 --> 00:57:59,558 ...out of my life! 1249 00:58:00,226 --> 00:58:01,852 Ouch. 1250 00:58:03,438 --> 00:58:04,396 Anyway... 1251 00:58:04,564 --> 00:58:07,065 ...what can l do for you, my burglars of turd? 1252 00:58:07,233 --> 00:58:09,401 Time-the-fuck-out. How are you still alive? 1253 00:58:09,569 --> 00:58:10,736 Yeah, how the fuck you still alive? 1254 00:58:11,112 --> 00:58:12,446 What are you talking about? 1255 00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:13,780 We saw you get shot remember. 1256 00:58:14,574 --> 00:58:16,074 You have to be more specific. 1257 00:58:16,242 --> 00:58:17,117 ln that whorehouse. 1258 00:58:17,285 --> 00:58:17,910 ln Texas. 1259 00:58:18,077 --> 00:58:19,453 You branded a prostitute. 1260 00:58:19,621 --> 00:58:20,204 Remember? 1261 00:58:20,580 --> 00:58:22,206 Oh, yeah! 1262 00:58:22,373 --> 00:58:24,541 Now l remember. 1263 00:58:24,918 --> 00:58:26,043 lt hurt like hell... 1264 00:58:26,211 --> 00:58:27,044 ...at first. 1265 00:58:27,212 --> 00:58:27,961 And then... 1266 00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:31,715 ...everything faded away. 1267 00:58:32,509 --> 00:58:33,592 And l went to heaven. 1268 00:58:35,386 --> 00:58:36,386 It was exactly... 1269 00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:37,596 ...like l imagined it. 1270 00:58:39,599 --> 00:58:40,766 Saint Peter was there... 1271 00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:41,934 ...to meet me at the door. 1272 00:58:42,101 --> 00:58:43,602 Whoa. No way! 1273 00:58:43,770 --> 00:58:45,270 -NPH? -Yup. 1274 00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:48,607 Make room! Make room! VlP! 1275 00:58:50,693 --> 00:58:53,445 The chicks were hot. The music was sick. 1276 00:58:53,613 --> 00:58:55,113 There were lasers. 1277 00:58:55,281 --> 00:58:56,990 lt was like being famous... 1278 00:58:57,158 --> 00:58:59,326 ...in the early '90s. l was about to... 1279 00:58:59,494 --> 00:59:01,161 ...get my drink on, when l was... 1280 00:59:01,329 --> 00:59:03,205 ...interrupted by some dirty hippie. 1281 00:59:04,082 --> 00:59:05,791 Neil Patrick Harris. My man. 1282 00:59:06,417 --> 00:59:07,960 l'm sure you recognize me... 1283 00:59:09,003 --> 00:59:10,587 ...but l'm Jesus. So.... 1284 00:59:11,130 --> 00:59:12,172 Jesus...? 1285 00:59:12,340 --> 00:59:14,800 Jesus Christ. That's me. l'm Jesus Christ, Neil. 1286 00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:16,760 Hey, ladies. 1287 00:59:16,928 --> 00:59:19,388 Neil Patrick Harris. l played Private Carl Jenkins... 1288 00:59:19,556 --> 00:59:20,973 ...in Starship Troopers. 1289 00:59:21,224 --> 00:59:21,974 Wow. 1290 00:59:22,183 --> 00:59:24,309 l love that movie. Cool, cool. Awesome. 1291 00:59:24,477 --> 00:59:26,311 Let's get round shots. Keep the party going. 1292 00:59:26,479 --> 00:59:27,354 -Who's in? -Shots. 1293 00:59:27,522 --> 00:59:28,230 So, girls.... 1294 00:59:31,150 --> 00:59:32,901 Aw, come on. 1295 00:59:33,069 --> 00:59:34,361 How did that happen already? 1296 00:59:36,990 --> 00:59:38,198 Give me the phone to Dad. 1297 00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:41,201 -This is God. -Daddy? 1298 00:59:41,369 --> 00:59:43,078 We need to 86 NPH ASAP. 1299 00:59:43,246 --> 00:59:44,997 He's getting a handjob in my club. 1300 00:59:47,458 --> 00:59:50,127 Jesus, what a cockblock. 1301 00:59:51,045 --> 00:59:52,462 Still doesn't explain the gay thing. 1302 00:59:52,630 --> 00:59:53,964 You're not gay, motherfucker. 1303 00:59:54,132 --> 00:59:54,840 At all. 1304 00:59:56,843 --> 00:59:59,678 That's a little something we magicians like to call "misdirection." 1305 00:59:59,846 --> 01:00:01,054 Little trick l learned... 1306 01:00:01,222 --> 01:00:02,222 -...from my man Clay Aiken. -What? 1307 01:00:02,390 --> 01:00:03,807 Clay Aiken's not gay? 1308 01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:07,894 Are you kidding Clay's the biggest coozehound l know. That guy gets mad gash. 1309 01:00:08,062 --> 01:00:08,979 Neil, listen. 1310 01:00:09,147 --> 01:00:10,897 The reason were here is l was wondering if-- 1311 01:00:11,065 --> 01:00:13,150 l can get you one of those Christmas trees? 1312 01:00:13,318 --> 01:00:14,359 Sure, no problem. 1313 01:00:14,527 --> 01:00:15,527 How'd you know that? 1314 01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:17,654 l can read your mind. 1315 01:00:19,407 --> 01:00:20,407 All right. 1316 01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:21,700 You might be able to--? 1317 01:00:21,868 --> 01:00:25,037 Hook you up with a free WaffleBot? You know what? Take mine. 1318 01:00:25,204 --> 01:00:26,580 l hate that stupid android fuck. 1319 01:00:26,789 --> 01:00:29,583 Don't call him that, dude. What's up, WaffleBot? 1320 01:00:29,751 --> 01:00:31,918 Waffles are awesome. Pancakes suck, right? 1321 01:00:32,086 --> 01:00:33,879 l hate pancakes. 1322 01:00:34,047 --> 01:00:34,921 l know, so do l. 1323 01:00:35,089 --> 01:00:36,798 Kumar. 1324 01:00:38,176 --> 01:00:39,009 Thanks, Neil. 1325 01:00:39,177 --> 01:00:40,218 -Thanks. Neil -No problem. 1326 01:00:40,386 --> 01:00:43,221 Hey, merry Christmas, guys. We'll see you in the fourth one. 1327 01:00:44,807 --> 01:00:48,143 God, this is amazing. We're actually gonna make it home before they do. 1328 01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:50,562 -We saved Christmas, man. -Mission accomplished. 1329 01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:53,023 -All right, put down the tree. Put it down. -Unh! 1330 01:00:53,232 --> 01:00:54,816 -All right. -Waffle break? 1331 01:00:55,026 --> 01:00:56,902 All right. Oh, God. 1332 01:00:57,070 --> 01:00:58,737 Oh, my God. WaffleBot. 1333 01:00:58,905 --> 01:01:00,030 Dude, seriously... 1334 01:01:00,198 --> 01:01:01,948 ...these are incredible waffles. 1335 01:01:02,116 --> 01:01:04,743 Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever. 1336 01:01:05,244 --> 01:01:07,079 Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot. 1337 01:01:07,246 --> 01:01:08,830 I love you... 1338 01:01:08,998 --> 01:01:10,666 -...Kumar. -Ha, ha. 1339 01:01:10,833 --> 01:01:12,209 l love you too, little guy. 1340 01:01:12,710 --> 01:01:13,418 What the fuck? 1341 01:01:13,586 --> 01:01:15,128 That is the weirdest fucking toy. 1342 01:01:15,755 --> 01:01:16,588 You're happy. 1343 01:01:16,756 --> 01:01:19,216 See? You're laughing. You're having fun. Admit it: 1344 01:01:19,384 --> 01:01:21,301 l'm more fun to hang out with than Todd. 1345 01:01:21,469 --> 01:01:24,096 Todd and Ava. l totally forgot about them. 1346 01:01:24,597 --> 01:01:25,931 l'm sure they're fine, right? 1347 01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:27,391 lt's going to voicemail. 1348 01:01:27,558 --> 01:01:29,351 l think they're fine. Todd's a big boy. 1349 01:01:29,519 --> 01:01:31,645 He's probably putting her to bed or something. 1350 01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:34,606 Yeah. They're probably fine, right? 1351 01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:39,236 Look at me, look at me! 1352 01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:41,113 Why wasn't you at school today? 1353 01:01:41,280 --> 01:01:42,447 l went to the park. 1354 01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:43,740 She lying. 1355 01:01:43,950 --> 01:01:46,368 What was you doing at the park? You supposed to be at school. 1356 01:01:47,704 --> 01:01:49,788 Little girl, l'm not gonna ask you no more. 1357 01:01:49,956 --> 01:01:53,959 l'm not smart like the other kids. l can't do that stuff. 1358 01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:55,669 Who told you that? 1359 01:01:55,878 --> 01:01:57,963 My last foster mother. 1360 01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:02,092 She told me that the only thing l'm gonna be smart enough to do is lay on my back. 1361 01:02:02,260 --> 01:02:05,178 The best revenge you can have on somebody that told you that... 1362 01:02:06,556 --> 01:02:09,641 ...is to prove them wrong. l went to that school and l got your homework. 1363 01:02:09,809 --> 01:02:12,728 Are you fucking kidding me? 1364 01:02:13,813 --> 01:02:14,563 -Oh. -Oh. 1365 01:02:15,106 --> 01:02:16,648 Maybe that's Todd. 1366 01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:18,650 Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you? 1367 01:02:18,818 --> 01:02:20,444 Oh, that's because Maria is-- 1368 01:02:20,611 --> 01:02:21,820 -Hello? -Kumar? 1369 01:02:21,988 --> 01:02:23,113 -ls that you? -Yeah. 1370 01:02:23,281 --> 01:02:24,823 Why are you calling Harold`s phone? 1371 01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:27,200 Look, Can l just speak to him, please? 1372 01:02:27,368 --> 01:02:28,785 What? No. 1373 01:02:28,953 --> 01:02:30,162 l've been texting you all day. 1374 01:02:30,329 --> 01:02:32,080 l haven't heard back. What's going on? 1375 01:02:32,248 --> 01:02:33,415 Can you just tell him l'm not gonna... 1376 01:02:33,583 --> 01:02:35,167 ...make it to his party tomorrow. 1377 01:02:35,334 --> 01:02:38,086 Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it-- 1378 01:02:38,254 --> 01:02:40,213 She won't make it to your party. That really is too bad. 1379 01:02:40,381 --> 01:02:42,632 What else have you been doing behind my back? 1380 01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:44,926 Has she seen your dick? ls it bigger than mine? 1381 01:02:45,094 --> 01:02:47,679 Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay? Goodbye. 1382 01:02:47,847 --> 01:02:49,639 No, don't hang up the phone on me. 1383 01:02:50,016 --> 01:02:51,183 Hello? 1384 01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:53,935 Here's your phone. 1385 01:02:54,312 --> 01:02:55,020 What is that? 1386 01:02:55,188 --> 01:02:57,689 That's Vanessa, Todd, Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav. 1387 01:02:57,857 --> 01:02:59,691 Does everybody fucking know about this party? not me. 1388 01:02:59,859 --> 01:03:01,902 Listen, if you want you can come. 1389 01:03:02,069 --> 01:03:04,654 l don't wanna come to your shitty-ass party, dude. 1390 01:03:04,822 --> 01:03:07,032 l just can't believe you'd invite Vanessa and not tell me. 1391 01:03:07,200 --> 01:03:08,825 Am l supposed to feel bad? 1392 01:03:08,993 --> 01:03:12,496 Maybe if you acted more like an adult, you'd get invited to adult parties. 1393 01:03:12,663 --> 01:03:14,873 Maybe you should go back to your fancy house... 1394 01:03:15,041 --> 01:03:17,292 ...with your douchey friends and gay-ass sconces. 1395 01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:18,919 l don't need to be part of this. 1396 01:03:19,086 --> 01:03:20,378 l love those sconces. 1397 01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:23,048 You know what, l was really happy till you showed up today. 1398 01:03:23,216 --> 01:03:25,008 Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude. 1399 01:03:25,176 --> 01:03:26,635 -l'm out. -Fine with me. 1400 01:03:26,803 --> 01:03:27,344 Fine. 1401 01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:28,720 -Cool. -All right. 1402 01:03:28,888 --> 01:03:30,889 -Are we having lovers' quarrel? -Oh, shit. 1403 01:03:36,562 --> 01:03:39,898 Kumar, my friend. 1404 01:03:42,860 --> 01:03:44,110 Oh, look. 1405 01:03:44,278 --> 01:03:45,195 A WaffleBot. 1406 01:03:45,363 --> 01:03:45,987 Mary would... 1407 01:03:46,155 --> 01:03:47,572 -...love one of these. -Uh-huh. 1408 01:03:47,740 --> 01:03:48,907 Grab it. 1409 01:03:49,075 --> 01:03:50,742 Oh, crap. 1410 01:03:56,415 --> 01:03:57,624 Wake up! 1411 01:03:58,626 --> 01:04:00,919 Wake up! Wake up! 1412 01:04:01,629 --> 01:04:02,796 Wake up. 1413 01:04:04,507 --> 01:04:06,007 -Wake up. -Oh. 1414 01:04:06,259 --> 01:04:07,801 Oh, shit. 1415 01:04:08,010 --> 01:04:10,762 Please, l don't know what we've done, but please let us go. 1416 01:04:10,930 --> 01:04:13,265 After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary? 1417 01:04:13,432 --> 01:04:14,766 That was a big misunderstanding. 1418 01:04:14,934 --> 01:04:16,893 l'm freezing! Give us back our clothes. 1419 01:04:17,061 --> 01:04:18,937 Yuri, warm them up. 1420 01:04:23,568 --> 01:04:25,652 Kumar. 1421 01:04:25,820 --> 01:04:26,945 Please don't do that. 1422 01:04:27,113 --> 01:04:30,407 Please, please, please. There is a very serious gas crisis... 1423 01:04:30,575 --> 01:04:32,784 -...in the world. Let's discuss. -Come on, man! 1424 01:04:32,952 --> 01:04:35,745 As they say in my country: 1425 01:04:37,164 --> 01:04:38,623 No, don't say "do svidaniya. " 1426 01:04:39,166 --> 01:04:40,333 Come on. 1427 01:04:43,462 --> 01:04:44,963 You didn't get the lighter. 1428 01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:48,592 You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee. 1429 01:04:48,759 --> 01:04:49,968 Nothing about lighter. 1430 01:04:50,303 --> 01:04:51,428 You stupid... 1431 01:04:51,596 --> 01:04:53,763 ...fucking moron! 1432 01:04:53,973 --> 01:04:55,473 You're such a fuck-up! 1433 01:04:57,560 --> 01:04:58,268 Oh, shit. 1434 01:05:06,110 --> 01:05:07,068 Hey, guys, stop! 1435 01:05:07,236 --> 01:05:09,571 Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it. 1436 01:05:10,990 --> 01:05:14,284 Now, look, l understand that you guys have your issues, okay? 1437 01:05:14,619 --> 01:05:18,580 But wasn't there a time you actually used to get along? You might be in... 1438 01:05:18,748 --> 01:05:22,334 ...a different time and different place right now, but that doesn't change the fact that you guys... 1439 01:05:22,501 --> 01:05:25,337 ...have a long and probably beautiful history together. 1440 01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:30,717 Yeah, maybe one of you fucks up every now and again. 1441 01:05:31,177 --> 01:05:32,469 Happens. 1442 01:05:32,637 --> 01:05:35,013 Maybe he fucks up all the time. 1443 01:05:35,681 --> 01:05:38,350 Doesn't mean the other should forget about all the good times that you have. 1444 01:05:38,726 --> 01:05:43,146 Right. 1445 01:05:43,314 --> 01:05:48,234 Yeah, and maybe just because the other one... 1446 01:05:48,402 --> 01:05:50,278 ...is trying to act little more like an adult... 1447 01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:53,156 ...and be responsible last couple of years doesn't necessarily mean... 1448 01:05:53,324 --> 01:05:55,325 ...that he's being a fucking chode. 1449 01:05:55,868 --> 01:05:59,454 Maybe he's been a chode, caring more about bay windows... 1450 01:05:59,622 --> 01:06:02,040 ...and sconces than a lifetime of friendship. 1451 01:06:04,210 --> 01:06:05,251 What do you say, guys? 1452 01:06:10,716 --> 01:06:12,384 -Yeah, hug it out. -All right. 1453 01:06:13,219 --> 01:06:13,760 Hey, guys. 1454 01:06:13,928 --> 01:06:15,720 How about you cut us out with this ropes? 1455 01:06:16,013 --> 01:06:18,056 We'll go get ourselves a Christmas beer. 1456 01:06:18,224 --> 01:06:20,141 -A beer sounds great. -Awesome. 1457 01:06:21,727 --> 01:06:22,727 But first... 1458 01:06:22,895 --> 01:06:24,521 ...we have some killing to do. 1459 01:06:24,689 --> 01:06:25,355 Come on! 1460 01:06:25,523 --> 01:06:27,232 Seriously, After we just had that breakthrough? 1461 01:06:27,400 --> 01:06:30,735 Sorry. Say your goodbyes. lt'll all be over quick. 1462 01:06:33,072 --> 01:06:35,407 -ls this how we die? -l think so, dude. 1463 01:06:37,076 --> 01:06:38,076 Bye, Kumar. 1464 01:06:39,161 --> 01:06:40,537 Bye, Harold. 1465 01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:42,205 Kumar. 1466 01:06:42,373 --> 01:06:43,581 Your waffles... 1467 01:06:43,749 --> 01:06:45,250 -...are ready. -WaffleBot? 1468 01:06:47,044 --> 01:06:49,421 These guys think pancakes are better than waffles. 1469 01:06:49,755 --> 01:06:50,922 l hate... 1470 01:06:51,090 --> 01:06:52,674 ...pancakes. 1471 01:06:58,764 --> 01:07:00,265 They serve pancakes... 1472 01:07:00,433 --> 01:07:02,267 ...in hell. 1473 01:07:04,854 --> 01:07:05,395 Ooh! 1474 01:07:08,441 --> 01:07:09,649 Holy shit! 1475 01:07:09,817 --> 01:07:11,192 You hurt my brother! 1476 01:07:18,534 --> 01:07:19,075 Whoo! 1477 01:07:20,244 --> 01:07:22,412 -How do we get out of these ropes? -WaffleBot. 1478 01:07:22,580 --> 01:07:24,456 Kumar. 1479 01:07:24,957 --> 01:07:26,499 Can you untie us? 1480 01:07:26,709 --> 01:07:27,751 Battery low. 1481 01:07:27,918 --> 01:07:29,377 Losing... 1482 01:07:29,545 --> 01:07:30,670 ...power. 1483 01:07:30,838 --> 01:07:31,880 WaffleBot, look at me. 1484 01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:33,131 You can do this, man. 1485 01:07:45,061 --> 01:07:47,937 -Ha, ha. -Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot. 1486 01:07:48,647 --> 01:07:50,356 You're welcome, Kumar. 1487 01:07:50,524 --> 01:07:55,779 Pancakes are fucking gay. 1488 01:07:58,365 --> 01:08:01,159 Holy shit. That is the best Christmas toy ever. 1489 01:08:01,619 --> 01:08:03,286 l guess. lt's extraordinarily... 1490 01:08:03,454 --> 01:08:05,789 ...unsafe, but it did save our lives. 1491 01:08:07,333 --> 01:08:08,917 -Listen, man, l-- -Man, this-- 1492 01:08:09,085 --> 01:08:11,127 -Aah! -Oh, my God. 1493 01:08:11,754 --> 01:08:13,338 Holy shit! 1494 01:08:14,006 --> 01:08:15,006 This is like that... 1495 01:08:15,174 --> 01:08:16,674 ...scene from A Christmas Story. 1496 01:08:16,842 --> 01:08:19,010 ls it like the scene from A Christmas Story? 1497 01:08:19,178 --> 01:08:20,512 l literally just saw this scene. 1498 01:08:21,639 --> 01:08:23,640 -Oh, fuck! -Okay, we need... 1499 01:08:23,808 --> 01:08:26,351 ...some sort of a warm liquid. l'll spit on it. 1500 01:08:26,519 --> 01:08:28,228 Don't fucking spit on my dick! 1501 01:08:28,395 --> 01:08:29,646 Fine. Can you pee on it? 1502 01:08:29,897 --> 01:08:31,356 Give me a second. 1503 01:08:32,149 --> 01:08:34,025 -lt's not working. -Fine, l'll pee on it. 1504 01:08:34,193 --> 01:08:35,276 Don't pee on me! 1505 01:08:35,444 --> 01:08:36,903 Jesus! Well, then what the hell do--? 1506 01:08:37,071 --> 01:08:39,405 -Oh. Our clothes. -Oh. 1507 01:08:39,573 --> 01:08:40,865 Cool about the clothes. 1508 01:08:41,033 --> 01:08:42,867 My dick's stuck to a pole! 1509 01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,747 Dude, you're in luck. There's still coffee in here. 1510 01:08:47,915 --> 01:08:49,624 Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up! 1511 01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:52,001 Okay, look, this is scalding hot coffee. 1512 01:08:52,169 --> 01:08:55,880 So l'm just gonna pour a little bit on. Probably gonna sting for a second. 1513 01:08:56,048 --> 01:08:57,465 -Get it over with! -All right. 1514 01:08:57,675 --> 01:08:58,800 Just let me just-- 1515 01:09:00,678 --> 01:09:01,553 -l'm sorry. -Fuck! 1516 01:09:01,720 --> 01:09:02,887 Oh, fuck! l'm sorry, dude! 1517 01:09:03,055 --> 01:09:04,556 Oh, God, l ruined your dick! 1518 01:09:04,723 --> 01:09:05,890 You asshole! 1519 01:09:06,058 --> 01:09:07,350 Just walk it off. 1520 01:09:07,518 --> 01:09:09,060 Walk it off. 1521 01:09:12,982 --> 01:09:14,983 How long are we supposed to stay in here? 1522 01:09:15,192 --> 01:09:17,819 Until that fucking Russian sociopathic... 1523 01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:19,237 ...killing machine leaves. 1524 01:09:22,825 --> 01:09:25,243 They gave my daughter ecstasy. 1525 01:09:26,871 --> 01:09:29,247 l don't know Russian, but he seems a little upset. 1526 01:09:29,415 --> 01:09:30,832 l'd say so. Shh, shh! 1527 01:09:31,208 --> 01:09:32,417 She's crashing hard. 1528 01:09:32,585 --> 01:09:34,169 We gotta give her more blow. 1529 01:09:34,336 --> 01:09:35,587 No, no! No more cocaine! 1530 01:09:35,754 --> 01:09:36,629 l need it! 1531 01:09:36,797 --> 01:09:38,840 -There's some. -Do not give her more! 1532 01:09:39,008 --> 01:09:40,091 Give it to me! 1533 01:09:40,259 --> 01:09:41,301 Ava, no! No, please! 1534 01:09:41,468 --> 01:09:42,969 Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please! 1535 01:09:43,429 --> 01:09:44,596 Dude, look. 1536 01:09:44,763 --> 01:09:45,763 Oh, this is not good! 1537 01:09:45,931 --> 01:09:47,015 Oh, this is not good. 1538 01:09:47,224 --> 01:09:48,266 Oh, this is not good! 1539 01:09:48,767 --> 01:09:51,102 Ava! Scooch to Daddy! Hide behind Daddy! 1540 01:09:51,270 --> 01:09:53,438 New plan. Let's bash through the door. 1541 01:09:53,606 --> 01:09:54,606 You steal his gun. 1542 01:09:54,773 --> 01:09:56,774 That's the stupidest thing l've ever heard! 1543 01:10:18,547 --> 01:10:19,255 Yah! 1544 01:10:20,049 --> 01:10:22,467 Oh, fuck me. Fuck. l'm-- 1545 01:10:24,053 --> 01:10:25,345 l'm so sorry. Wow. 1546 01:10:25,512 --> 01:10:28,139 l thought that would knock you out, obviously. 1547 01:10:28,307 --> 01:10:29,474 Look. We are... 1548 01:10:29,642 --> 01:10:30,892 ...two reasonable guys... 1549 01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,769 ...and.... 1550 01:10:37,524 --> 01:10:40,318 These are dangerous, but, aw, it's a great workout. 1551 01:10:40,486 --> 01:10:42,487 You can really feel it. 1552 01:10:42,655 --> 01:10:45,365 Bis, pecs, this one. 1553 01:10:45,658 --> 01:10:47,200 Thank you, Adrian. 1554 01:10:47,368 --> 01:10:49,202 That was a really great team effort. 1555 01:10:49,370 --> 01:10:51,162 Who's my sidekick? You are. 1556 01:10:51,330 --> 01:10:51,955 Ava, Let's go. 1557 01:10:52,122 --> 01:10:54,999 Good girl! Let's go home! Let's go see Santa. 1558 01:10:55,417 --> 01:10:56,167 Oh, mints! 1559 01:10:58,254 --> 01:10:59,003 Mm. 1560 01:11:01,173 --> 01:11:02,674 Where the fuck are we? 1561 01:11:02,841 --> 01:11:05,510 Those guys weren't kidding. We're seriously in the middle of nowhere. 1562 01:11:07,179 --> 01:11:08,304 Do you have any bars? 1563 01:11:08,722 --> 01:11:10,848 -l got no bars. -Shit. Nothing here. 1564 01:11:11,308 --> 01:11:12,558 Hello? 1565 01:11:14,186 --> 01:11:15,853 Anybody here? 1566 01:11:16,605 --> 01:11:17,855 Forget it. Just-- 1567 01:11:18,357 --> 01:11:19,691 Forget it. lt's past 2 a.m. 1568 01:11:19,858 --> 01:11:22,694 They're already home, wondering where l am, where the fucking tree is. 1569 01:11:22,861 --> 01:11:24,028 l just-- 1570 01:11:24,863 --> 01:11:26,906 lt's such a disaster, this fucking night. 1571 01:11:27,074 --> 01:11:29,033 Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude. 1572 01:11:29,201 --> 01:11:30,451 No. You don`t understand when Maria's dad... 1573 01:11:30,619 --> 01:11:33,121 -...was a young boy in Media-ain-- -Vanessa's pregnant. 1574 01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:34,706 What? 1575 01:11:34,873 --> 01:11:37,625 She told me earlier today. My reaction was not awesome. 1576 01:11:38,460 --> 01:11:41,045 l don`t understand I thought weed stunted fertility. That's why l quit. 1577 01:11:41,213 --> 01:11:43,631 Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids. 1578 01:11:43,841 --> 01:11:45,925 Wait a second, that's why you quit weed? 1579 01:11:46,218 --> 01:11:47,635 Yeah, that's why l-- 1580 01:11:49,096 --> 01:11:52,557 We've been trying for like a.... For a year. 1581 01:11:52,725 --> 01:11:54,058 Oh, man. 1582 01:11:54,226 --> 01:11:56,352 Now l feel even worse about your dick. 1583 01:11:56,562 --> 01:11:57,770 l don't wanna-- 1584 01:11:57,938 --> 01:11:59,063 How do we get out of here? 1585 01:12:01,734 --> 01:12:02,734 l got an idea. 1586 01:12:05,571 --> 01:12:07,071 l saw this in a movie, man. 1587 01:12:07,239 --> 01:12:09,615 Just shoot this motherfucker, people come. 1588 01:12:09,783 --> 01:12:10,783 We can find people. 1589 01:12:10,951 --> 01:12:13,244 No, it's fine. Aah! 1590 01:12:17,249 --> 01:12:17,957 Now what? 1591 01:12:18,625 --> 01:12:19,751 l don't know. 1592 01:12:23,630 --> 01:12:24,964 No fucking way. 1593 01:12:35,434 --> 01:12:36,768 Santa, can you hear me? 1594 01:12:36,935 --> 01:12:38,436 Oh, what the fuck? 1595 01:12:38,604 --> 01:12:42,106 Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident. l'm just gonna take a closer look. 1596 01:12:44,026 --> 01:12:44,650 Oh, God! 1597 01:12:44,818 --> 01:12:45,651 This isn't good. 1598 01:12:45,819 --> 01:12:47,153 Mr. Claus, can you feel... 1599 01:12:47,321 --> 01:12:47,904 ...any of this? 1600 01:12:49,615 --> 01:12:51,115 Just let me die, please! 1601 01:12:51,283 --> 01:12:52,658 Let me die in peace! 1602 01:12:52,826 --> 01:12:55,495 No. Nobody's dying, Claus. Not on my watch. 1603 01:12:55,662 --> 01:12:58,331 Harold Listen to me very carefully. l need you to go into Santa's gift bag... 1604 01:12:58,499 --> 01:13:00,708 ...get as many medical supplies as you can we don`t have much time. 1605 01:13:11,178 --> 01:13:12,303 Oh, God! 1606 01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:15,348 Aah! 1607 01:13:18,310 --> 01:13:19,727 Ah, there. 1608 01:13:20,062 --> 01:13:21,229 l think that'll do it. 1609 01:13:21,480 --> 01:13:22,730 How do you feel, Mr. Claus? 1610 01:13:22,940 --> 01:13:24,816 Uh, a little woozy. 1611 01:13:24,983 --> 01:13:26,567 The morphine. lt'll wear off. 1612 01:13:26,735 --> 01:13:28,945 Nice. But l... 1613 01:13:29,113 --> 01:13:30,071 ...think l'm okay. 1614 01:13:30,239 --> 01:13:33,449 Look, Santa, we're so sorry. 1615 01:13:33,617 --> 01:13:35,868 Oh, l know it wasn't your fault. 1616 01:13:36,036 --> 01:13:38,287 You two have always been good boys. 1617 01:13:39,081 --> 01:13:40,665 Tell that to my father-in-law. 1618 01:13:40,833 --> 01:13:43,668 Hey, man, l can take the blame for that, all right? 1619 01:13:43,836 --> 01:13:45,878 Listen, l'd love to stay and chat... 1620 01:13:46,046 --> 01:13:49,132 ...but l'm running a little late and l have all these... 1621 01:13:49,299 --> 01:13:51,175 ...presents to deliver. 1622 01:13:51,343 --> 01:13:53,344 So you guys need a ride or something? 1623 01:13:53,846 --> 01:13:54,971 Seriously? 1624 01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,682 Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome! 1625 01:13:57,850 --> 01:13:59,517 lt's not not awesome! 1626 01:14:00,185 --> 01:14:01,477 On, Blitzen! Hyah! 1627 01:14:17,411 --> 01:14:18,578 Thanks for the ride Santa. 1628 01:14:19,246 --> 01:14:20,037 l'm guessing... 1629 01:14:20,205 --> 01:14:22,373 ...you don't have a 12-foot Fraser fir you can hook up with? 1630 01:14:22,624 --> 01:14:24,125 Sorry. l can't help you there. 1631 01:14:24,626 --> 01:14:25,376 Besides... 1632 01:14:25,544 --> 01:14:27,044 ...l already gave you your present. 1633 01:14:27,212 --> 01:14:28,880 -You did? -Yes. 1634 01:14:29,047 --> 01:14:30,256 You got my package, right? 1635 01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:31,090 The joint? 1636 01:14:31,633 --> 01:14:32,884 -That was you? -Yeah. 1637 01:14:33,051 --> 01:14:35,761 lt was my little way of bringing you boys back together. 1638 01:14:38,557 --> 01:14:39,098 Dude... 1639 01:14:39,391 --> 01:14:41,642 ...l'd really like it if you came over tomorrow. 1640 01:14:41,894 --> 01:14:43,603 Won't be a party unless you're there. 1641 01:14:43,770 --> 01:14:45,897 lt's about fucking time, Roldy. 1642 01:14:46,315 --> 01:14:48,065 l wouldn't miss it, man. 1643 01:14:51,820 --> 01:14:54,572 By the way, for what it's worth... 1644 01:14:55,032 --> 01:14:56,407 ...you'd make a great dad. 1645 01:14:57,910 --> 01:14:58,659 Well, l guess... 1646 01:14:58,827 --> 01:15:01,037 ...this is goodbye, Roldy. Be a good boy... 1647 01:15:01,205 --> 01:15:02,079 ...next year. 1648 01:15:02,247 --> 01:15:03,247 All right. 1649 01:15:03,415 --> 01:15:06,459 No more jerking off into a sock filled with baby powder. 1650 01:15:06,793 --> 01:15:09,462 -l-- -Ha, ha. Don't worry. 1651 01:15:09,630 --> 01:15:11,255 l'm just teasing you. 1652 01:15:11,423 --> 01:15:12,757 l do it too. 1653 01:15:16,261 --> 01:15:21,140 On, Prancer! On, Comet! On, Blitzen! Hyah! 1654 01:15:21,934 --> 01:15:22,892 l-- 1655 01:15:23,769 --> 01:15:25,770 Merry Christmas, Roldy! 1656 01:15:37,074 --> 01:15:38,199 Where's the tree? 1657 01:15:44,373 --> 01:15:45,122 lt's, um.... 1658 01:15:45,791 --> 01:15:47,875 Okay, what happened is that, um.... 1659 01:15:48,794 --> 01:15:50,169 You said you were going to... 1660 01:15:50,337 --> 01:15:52,964 ...take care of it. Now where's the tree? 1661 01:15:53,131 --> 01:15:55,633 What happened to the tree is, uh... 1662 01:15:56,593 --> 01:15:58,010 ...l kind of burned it down. 1663 01:16:00,013 --> 01:16:01,847 That tree was a Perez... 1664 01:16:02,015 --> 01:16:03,683 ...family tradition. 1665 01:16:03,850 --> 01:16:05,810 You ruined Christmas! 1666 01:16:06,103 --> 01:16:08,229 Ha, ha. l ruined your--? 1667 01:16:08,397 --> 01:16:09,897 You ruined my Christmas, man! 1668 01:16:10,357 --> 01:16:12,650 Heh, heh. Do you know what happened tonight? 1669 01:16:12,818 --> 01:16:16,487 Uh, l inadvertently introduced a baby to cocaine. 1670 01:16:16,655 --> 01:16:20,199 l was almost burned alive by Ukrainian gangsters. 1671 01:16:20,367 --> 01:16:21,909 l was drugged by... 1672 01:16:22,077 --> 01:16:25,246 ...asshole teenagers. Then l danced on stage in a Christmas extravaganza. 1673 01:16:25,414 --> 01:16:27,331 And l'm a terrible dancer. 1674 01:16:27,499 --> 01:16:29,041 l almost had my dick ripped off. 1675 01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:30,585 And then l shot... 1676 01:16:30,752 --> 01:16:34,505 ...Santa Claus in the fucking face. He's real, and l shot him in the face. 1677 01:16:34,673 --> 01:16:35,423 Why? 1678 01:16:36,508 --> 01:16:37,717 Because l wanted you... 1679 01:16:37,884 --> 01:16:40,553 ...to have a perfect fucking Christmas. 1680 01:16:41,013 --> 01:16:42,513 Now, here's a newsflash: 1681 01:16:42,681 --> 01:16:44,640 This is my house. 1682 01:16:44,808 --> 01:16:46,851 Maria is my wife. 1683 01:16:47,019 --> 01:16:50,021 And if you want to be in our family... 1684 01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:52,857 ...you best show me some fucking respect. 1685 01:16:55,527 --> 01:16:56,736 ls that too much? 1686 01:16:59,281 --> 01:17:00,281 l like it. 1687 01:17:00,449 --> 01:17:01,866 -Really? -Look. 1688 01:17:02,200 --> 01:17:04,285 l always knew you were a nice guy. 1689 01:17:04,536 --> 01:17:06,912 But that's not enough to be with my Maria. 1690 01:17:07,080 --> 01:17:08,414 l didn't want her to be... 1691 01:17:08,582 --> 01:17:10,207 ...with some wimpy pussy. 1692 01:17:11,209 --> 01:17:12,168 But you.... 1693 01:17:12,336 --> 01:17:14,170 You showed me you got cojones. 1694 01:17:14,338 --> 01:17:15,212 Testicles, right? 1695 01:17:16,548 --> 01:17:17,548 Rosetta Stone. 1696 01:17:18,884 --> 01:17:20,384 -You know what? -What's that? 1697 01:17:20,802 --> 01:17:22,261 This coming Easter... 1698 01:17:23,722 --> 01:17:25,473 ...you guys come to my house. 1699 01:17:25,682 --> 01:17:28,893 That would really be great. Thank you, Carlos. 1700 01:17:29,061 --> 01:17:30,978 Mr. Perez. 1701 01:17:44,451 --> 01:17:45,618 Fuck! 1702 01:17:46,703 --> 01:17:47,286 Kumar! 1703 01:17:47,454 --> 01:17:48,412 Jesus! 1704 01:17:48,580 --> 01:17:52,917 l'm sorry. l was gonna use the doorbell but l didn't want to wake your parents. 1705 01:17:53,085 --> 01:17:55,336 What--? What are you doing? You can't just-- 1706 01:17:55,504 --> 01:17:56,837 Hold on. There's something... 1707 01:17:57,005 --> 01:17:58,422 ...l need to say to you, okay? 1708 01:17:58,590 --> 01:18:01,967 When you told me you were pregnant, l admit l was scared as shit. 1709 01:18:02,511 --> 01:18:04,804 The more l think about it, the more excited l am. 1710 01:18:05,263 --> 01:18:06,806 l mean, l love kids. 1711 01:18:07,224 --> 01:18:08,766 That's because you are a kid. 1712 01:18:08,934 --> 01:18:12,687 l know. But.... Look, if you give me another chance... 1713 01:18:12,854 --> 01:18:17,358 ...l promise you l will go back to the medical board, l'll get my job back. 1714 01:18:17,526 --> 01:18:19,193 l'll even quit weed if l have to. 1715 01:18:19,361 --> 01:18:20,611 You'd quit weed? 1716 01:18:20,779 --> 01:18:23,364 Of course. l would do anything for you. 1717 01:18:23,532 --> 01:18:26,325 When l saw what Harold did for his family tonight... 1718 01:18:26,493 --> 01:18:28,786 ...it made me realize how important you are to me. 1719 01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:31,455 l wish l would've realized that sooner. 1720 01:18:31,832 --> 01:18:33,290 Kumar, you don't have to do this. 1721 01:18:34,292 --> 01:18:36,001 l know l don't have to. 1722 01:18:36,837 --> 01:18:38,170 l want to. 1723 01:18:43,969 --> 01:18:45,010 Do me a favor. 1724 01:18:45,178 --> 01:18:46,303 Yeah, anything. 1725 01:18:48,807 --> 01:18:50,141 Don't quit weed. 1726 01:18:50,308 --> 01:18:51,559 What? 1727 01:18:51,768 --> 01:18:54,562 Just remember, next time you take a drug test... 1728 01:18:54,771 --> 01:18:55,896 ...use my pee. 1729 01:18:56,898 --> 01:18:58,023 l love you. 1730 01:18:58,483 --> 01:18:59,817 l love you too. 1731 01:19:04,489 --> 01:19:06,907 Let's have some sex before you get all fat on me. 1732 01:19:22,007 --> 01:19:23,841 Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 1733 01:19:24,009 --> 01:19:25,926 Harold! Wake up! Baby. 1734 01:19:27,429 --> 01:19:29,597 -lt's pink. -Oh, my God. 1735 01:19:29,806 --> 01:19:31,932 -lt's pink. -lt's a miracle. 1736 01:19:32,684 --> 01:19:33,726 lt's a miracle. 1737 01:19:35,103 --> 01:19:36,187 lt's a miracle! 1738 01:19:36,354 --> 01:19:37,605 lt's a miracle! 1739 01:19:38,064 --> 01:19:40,691 lsn't this the most beautiful tree you've ever seen? 1740 01:19:41,193 --> 01:19:43,235 l came downstairs this morning... 1741 01:19:43,403 --> 01:19:44,862 ...and here she was. 1742 01:19:49,201 --> 01:19:50,367 God bless us, everyone! 1743 01:21:08,697 --> 01:21:12,116 Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!