1 00:01:51,666 --> 00:01:53,707 A swan? 2 00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:56,165 What sort of a swan? 3 00:01:57,666 --> 00:02:00,999 Leda? Who is Leda? 4 00:02:01,833 --> 00:02:04,332 Is she the injured woman? 5 00:02:06,750 --> 00:02:08,749 Laid by whom? 6 00:02:10,708 --> 00:02:14,582 By Jupiter? Was that the cause of death? 7 00:02:17,041 --> 00:02:19,207 A female swan? 8 00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:21,957 How do you know it was female? 9 00:02:23,458 --> 00:02:26,415 Eggs? Egg-bound? 10 00:02:27,458 --> 00:02:31,124 Was it bald? Perhaps it was a goose. 11 00:02:33,583 --> 00:02:35,582 Did it come from the zoo? 12 00:05:23,041 --> 00:05:25,707 How fast does a woman decompose? 13 00:05:25,750 --> 00:05:30,499 Six months. Maybe a year. Depends on the conditions. 14 00:05:32,458 --> 00:05:34,749 Does being pregnant make any difference? 15 00:05:34,791 --> 00:05:36,082 No! 16 00:05:36,166 --> 00:05:37,582 And the baby? 17 00:05:37,625 --> 00:05:40,415 - How far gone was she? - Perhaps 10 weeks. 18 00:05:40,458 --> 00:05:42,749 Then, you'd never know. 19 00:05:52,083 --> 00:05:54,999 I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away. 20 00:06:00,791 --> 00:06:02,707 What is the first thing that happens? 21 00:06:02,750 --> 00:06:05,999 The first thing that happens is the bacteria set to work in the intestine. 22 00:06:06,083 --> 00:06:09,207 - What sort of bacteria? - Bisocosis populi. 23 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:13,457 There are supposed to be 130,000 bisocosis 24 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,624 in each lick of a human tongue. 25 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,040 250,000 in a French kiss. 26 00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:22,665 First exchange at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve. 27 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,874 - Suppose Eve kissed Adam? - Unlikely! 28 00:06:25,916 --> 00:06:28,624 She used her first 100,000 on the apple. 29 00:06:41,791 --> 00:06:44,749 If the evolutionary span of life on Earth 30 00:06:44,791 --> 00:06:48,915 is represented by a year of 365 days, 31 00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:55,249 then man made his first appearance on the evening of the 31st of December, 32 00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:57,624 just as the daylight was fading. 33 00:06:58,583 --> 00:07:03,999 It had taken some 4,000 million years for that entrance to be made. 34 00:07:04,916 --> 00:07:08,290 A very slow, uneven progress of life forms, 35 00:07:08,375 --> 00:07:12,499 changing and evolving in a long, continuous procession. 36 00:07:13,625 --> 00:07:18,874 It's comparatively easy to comprehend how one species gave way to another. 37 00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:23,582 But perhaps more difficult to understand the evolutionary leap necessary 38 00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:28,040 to bridge the most sophisticated of the apes, with man. 39 00:07:28,083 --> 00:07:29,749 And more difficult, still, 40 00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:33,082 to contemplate how life could create itself, 41 00:07:33,125 --> 00:07:35,249 apparently, out of nothing. 42 00:07:39,583 --> 00:07:42,374 The conditions for the origin of life on Earth 43 00:07:42,416 --> 00:07:44,165 can never be reproduced again. 44 00:07:44,666 --> 00:07:47,665 The atmosphere is now rich in oxygen, 45 00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:52,082 the necessary ingredient for the respiratory life of all animals. 46 00:07:58,416 --> 00:08:02,082 But in the beginning there was little or no oxygen. 47 00:08:02,125 --> 00:08:06,790 There was methane, ammonia, carbon monoxide, water, 48 00:08:06,875 --> 00:08:12,540 electrical storms, ultraviolet light, the first carbon compounds. 49 00:08:13,041 --> 00:08:17,790 And around volcanic springs like these, an abundance of hydrogen. 50 00:08:17,875 --> 00:08:19,790 These conditions were advantageous 51 00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:24,749 for the formation of the first cyanophytes or blue-green algae. 52 00:08:24,833 --> 00:08:27,582 Their utilisation of hydrogen in water, 53 00:08:27,625 --> 00:08:30,874 using chlorophyll in the process of photosynthesis 54 00:08:30,916 --> 00:08:34,249 liberated oxygen in abundant quantities 55 00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:37,874 to change radically the atmosphere of the Earth. 56 00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:40,915 Their arrival marks a major step 57 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,665 towards the evolution of higher forms of life. 58 00:08:46,541 --> 00:08:48,332 How are you feeling? 59 00:08:50,583 --> 00:08:52,124 Short of a leg. 60 00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:58,249 In the land of the legless, the one-legged woman is queen. 61 00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:05,374 There was a legless whore in Marseilles during the war, who was very wealthy. 62 00:09:06,166 --> 00:09:09,207 She seldom left her bed, because she couldn't. 63 00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:12,499 She'd had both her legs amputated at the groin. 64 00:09:12,583 --> 00:09:15,082 Imagine that, gentlemen, 65 00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:17,915 no limbs to hinder entry. 66 00:09:19,083 --> 00:09:22,457 She was treated with great affection and regard 67 00:09:23,416 --> 00:09:25,874 and had a great many lovers. 68 00:09:26,791 --> 00:09:27,915 She died young. 69 00:09:28,666 --> 00:09:30,499 Some of her lovers thought, 70 00:09:30,583 --> 00:09:33,499 she might liked to be buried in a short coffin. 71 00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:39,165 Others thought that the empty space should be filled with flowers. 72 00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:41,082 In the end, of course, her family turned up 73 00:09:41,166 --> 00:09:43,499 and they had the corpse fitted with artificial legs. 74 00:09:45,625 --> 00:09:47,624 Imagine that! 75 00:09:48,875 --> 00:09:52,957 The body, in all its delicious detail, 76 00:09:53,833 --> 00:09:55,082 fading away, 77 00:09:56,083 --> 00:09:59,915 leaving a skeleton with iron legs. 78 00:10:01,166 --> 00:10:04,957 Especially, since the legs had been made for a man called Felipe Arc-en-Ciel. 79 00:10:05,041 --> 00:10:07,457 You've been very thorough in your research. 80 00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:08,999 I made it up. 81 00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:14,082 I have now to find a Felipe Arc-en-Ciel to stop my crying, 82 00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:20,124 to discover what it is to have your legs borrowed by a dead woman. 83 00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:25,124 - How is your daughter? - Beta is fine. 84 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:28,290 She says, my leg has walked off with a Dutchman. 85 00:11:28,458 --> 00:11:32,499 - Morning, Venus! How are the zebras? - Black and white. 86 00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:40,499 Good morning, Milo, what are you doing? 87 00:11:40,583 --> 00:11:43,832 Just come to see if you're looking after the animals properly. 88 00:11:43,916 --> 00:11:46,082 You can come and take care of me. 89 00:11:46,125 --> 00:11:49,249 - Where could I do that? - Back of the panda cages. 90 00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:50,749 We might give them a little encouragement. 91 00:11:50,791 --> 00:11:52,499 There's no bed there. 92 00:11:52,583 --> 00:11:57,457 - Since when have you needed a bed, Milo? - Since my back ached, just now! 93 00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:01,624 I'll give you... 94 00:12:01,708 --> 00:12:03,290 ...£5 95 00:12:04,416 --> 00:12:07,332 and two pounds of zebra steak. 96 00:12:07,416 --> 00:12:10,082 Do the owls go hungry for your pleasure? 97 00:12:10,125 --> 00:12:11,415 Not yours. 98 00:12:11,458 --> 00:12:15,290 Owls aren't that fussy. They'll eat anything, even a lizard. 99 00:12:15,375 --> 00:12:19,415 Would you rather have a lizard or a zebra afterbirth? 100 00:12:21,625 --> 00:12:23,124 Tell me, Milo! 101 00:12:23,750 --> 00:12:25,540 Do you think a zebra 102 00:12:25,583 --> 00:12:30,249 is a white animal with black stripes or a black animal with white stripes? 103 00:12:34,541 --> 00:12:36,415 Carry my shoes for me. 104 00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:40,790 There used to be a bed in the back of the vulture cages. 105 00:12:40,875 --> 00:12:45,749 Ah! You were younger then. Now you have less to bargain with. 106 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:49,082 - Now I have experience. - With animals? 107 00:12:52,750 --> 00:12:54,374 All right, then! 108 00:12:56,166 --> 00:13:00,040 I'll give you four pounds of cow's liver and a drink. 109 00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:03,290 Or we might have to see about your licence to practise. 110 00:13:03,375 --> 00:13:07,374 You only have to have a licence to start a zoo, not to stock it. 111 00:13:07,416 --> 00:13:09,499 You could start a zoo, Hoyten. 112 00:13:09,583 --> 00:13:12,499 Though you'd have to pay me to visit it. 113 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,749 You can keep your free meat. 114 00:13:14,791 --> 00:13:18,415 I'll take £10 for half an hour 115 00:13:18,958 --> 00:13:21,499 and the tail feathers of an American bald eagle. 116 00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:24,249 - You're making a hat? - No. 117 00:13:24,958 --> 00:13:26,749 I'm writing a dirty story. 118 00:13:26,791 --> 00:13:28,749 We don't have an American bald eagle. 119 00:13:28,791 --> 00:13:31,999 Oh, I was forgetting, it's a black and white bird. 120 00:13:33,125 --> 00:13:35,707 Then I'll settle for an introduction to Oliver and Oswald. 121 00:13:35,750 --> 00:13:37,082 What do you want with them? 122 00:13:37,166 --> 00:13:42,415 I could help. Their wives have died and I need a bath. 123 00:13:42,458 --> 00:13:45,415 You can have a bath, provided I can watch. 124 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,457 Surprise, surprise! 125 00:13:47,541 --> 00:13:50,790 That's what all we animals are here for, isn't it? 126 00:14:29,083 --> 00:14:31,082 In a spoonful of pond water, 127 00:14:31,166 --> 00:14:35,040 there may be as many as 10,000 minute organisms. 128 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,999 In the seas there are uncountable numbers of creatures. 129 00:14:39,583 --> 00:14:42,540 Myriads of simply structured organisms, 130 00:14:42,583 --> 00:14:47,415 whose ancestors began to appear some, 2,000 million years ago 131 00:14:47,458 --> 00:14:51,249 from among the primitive bacteria and the first algae. 132 00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:01,874 Oliver, I'm sorry about your bad news. 133 00:15:06,291 --> 00:15:07,915 Can the zoo help? 134 00:15:13,291 --> 00:15:17,082 - What are you watching? - The beginnings of life. 135 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,207 - It's cathartic. - What is? 136 00:15:20,250 --> 00:15:22,540 Watching life begin. 137 00:15:22,583 --> 00:15:23,957 - Yes? - Yes! 138 00:15:24,041 --> 00:15:26,124 'Cause I know how it ends. 139 00:15:26,208 --> 00:15:29,207 - How does it end? - With a swan. 140 00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:31,082 - Oh, yes. - And a white car, 141 00:15:31,166 --> 00:15:35,374 a Ford Mercury, registration number, NID26BW, 142 00:15:35,416 --> 00:15:37,207 driven by a woman with flaming red hair, 143 00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:40,415 surrounded by white feathers, called Alba Bewick. 144 00:15:41,416 --> 00:15:44,749 Then I'm sorry that you'll find this film inaccurate. 145 00:15:44,791 --> 00:15:47,790 Oh, don't ruin it for me, Fallast. 146 00:15:47,875 --> 00:15:52,290 I'm going to take it in stages. Needs absorbing. 147 00:15:53,250 --> 00:15:54,499 I'm sure I must have got it wrong before 148 00:15:54,583 --> 00:15:56,415 and I'm on the lookout for clues. 149 00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,499 What sort of clues? 150 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:02,249 Gonna try and separate the true clues and the red herrings. 151 00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:08,582 I'm told, that all eight parts of the second copy of this film 152 00:16:08,625 --> 00:16:09,915 are out on loan as well. 153 00:16:10,958 --> 00:16:14,832 Perhaps someone else is also looking for red herrings. 154 00:16:14,916 --> 00:16:17,582 Myriads of simply-structured organisms, 155 00:16:17,625 --> 00:16:22,707 whose ancestors began to appear some, 2,000 million years ago 156 00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:26,374 from among the primitive bacteria and the first algae. 157 00:16:28,083 --> 00:16:31,082 Protozoa, primitive jellyfish, 158 00:16:31,125 --> 00:16:34,915 sponges, coral polyps, colonisers. 159 00:16:36,166 --> 00:16:40,957 Innumerable individuals making the first oceans a rich soup, 160 00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:45,832 ripe for the further and more sophisticated development of life forms. 161 00:16:48,125 --> 00:16:50,915 Oliver, entrez! 162 00:16:53,041 --> 00:16:57,749 - Where is Oswald? - Uh, he's just working. 163 00:16:59,083 --> 00:17:02,332 Work consoles him, I think. 164 00:17:06,416 --> 00:17:08,749 How did you first know my wife? 165 00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:12,540 I met her at the zoo with my daughter, 166 00:17:12,583 --> 00:17:16,082 when I took to Beta to the insect house to watch butterflies. 167 00:17:17,083 --> 00:17:20,290 Your wife said they should be let free. 168 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:24,040 She didn't approve of zoos, did she? 169 00:17:27,083 --> 00:17:29,874 Why is your daughter called Beta? 170 00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:34,915 Alpha, Beta, Gamma. I wanted 26 children. 171 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,457 Beta wasn't the first. The first one died. 172 00:17:39,458 --> 00:17:42,582 I had an infection, mercury poisoning. 173 00:17:43,083 --> 00:17:45,999 Where I come from, you take mercury to procure an abortion. 174 00:17:46,083 --> 00:17:49,124 There aren't 26 letters in the Greek alphabet, there's only 23. 175 00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:53,790 - What's Oswald Deuce doing here? - Watching an apple fade away. 176 00:17:54,458 --> 00:17:56,249 How original! 177 00:17:56,958 --> 00:17:59,124 - "A" is for... - Angelfish. 178 00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:01,207 - "B" is for... - Butterfly. 179 00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:10,582 Do you think that's wise? 180 00:18:11,416 --> 00:18:13,540 There are too many of them. 181 00:18:14,041 --> 00:18:16,124 Will they survive the cold? 182 00:18:17,250 --> 00:18:19,249 This zoo is too crowded. 183 00:18:22,333 --> 00:18:24,665 Bit too many staff, for a start. 184 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:28,790 Haven't you got anything better to do than watch me? 185 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:39,124 Venus de Milo's been asking after you. 186 00:18:41,083 --> 00:18:44,374 I cannot stand the idea of her body rotting away 187 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,624 for nothing. 188 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,540 Or was it for some reason? 189 00:18:58,083 --> 00:18:59,165 Where's this? 190 00:19:00,625 --> 00:19:04,457 It's where I was born. It's called L'Escargot. 191 00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:09,915 Tell me what happened, in detail. 192 00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,540 You know what happened. 193 00:19:14,250 --> 00:19:15,999 Paula and Griselda were shopping for china... 194 00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:20,915 - What was Griselda wearing? - A green hat, black shoes. 195 00:19:20,958 --> 00:19:23,915 - We left there about 3:00... - Was she wearing a scarf? 196 00:19:23,958 --> 00:19:27,249 Yes. We turned out of the car park and then... 197 00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,290 Why was she buying china? 198 00:19:29,916 --> 00:19:34,749 She said she needed china. She bought 6 soup-bowls... 199 00:19:34,791 --> 00:19:36,915 What were they like? 200 00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:42,040 They were white with blue markings and an egg-timer and a milk-jug. 201 00:19:42,083 --> 00:19:45,957 An egg-timer? What the hell did she want with an egg-timer? 202 00:19:46,041 --> 00:19:47,582 I imagine, Oswald, to time eggs. 203 00:19:47,666 --> 00:19:52,165 - Well, why would she want to time eggs? - Oswald, think what you're saying. 204 00:19:53,083 --> 00:19:54,957 What else did she buy? 205 00:19:55,875 --> 00:19:58,499 Paula wanted to go to the fishmonger. 206 00:19:59,083 --> 00:20:01,457 - I bought a lobster. - Why did you buy a lobster for? 207 00:20:01,541 --> 00:20:05,999 - Oswald, this is getting silly. - Did my wife buy anything? 208 00:20:06,750 --> 00:20:09,165 Oh, yes, prawns. 209 00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:10,915 - Prawns? - Yes! 210 00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:15,415 Thank you! That will do for now. 211 00:20:15,458 --> 00:20:17,582 But all this is a long way back in the story. 212 00:20:17,666 --> 00:20:19,415 Oh, well. Thank you, for telling me. 213 00:20:19,458 --> 00:20:21,749 Oswald, where are you going? 214 00:20:22,458 --> 00:20:25,165 The variety of shape, form and structure 215 00:20:25,250 --> 00:20:28,957 in the development of animals at this time is extraordinary. 216 00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:33,540 Side-scuttling crabs, slow-moving snails, 217 00:20:33,583 --> 00:20:37,832 animals that look like stones, that take on the colour of sand, 218 00:20:37,916 --> 00:20:41,124 animals that resemble plants, that scavenge, 219 00:20:41,208 --> 00:20:44,124 that develop poisons and stinging apparatus, 220 00:20:44,208 --> 00:20:47,082 that live on detritus and each other, 221 00:20:47,125 --> 00:20:51,874 creating systems of defence and attack, whose ingenuity is limitless. 222 00:20:56,208 --> 00:20:58,499 Anything in the papers, then? 223 00:20:59,208 --> 00:21:02,124 - Why don't you sit down, Plate? - Thanks very much, Oliver. 224 00:21:02,208 --> 00:21:03,790 I heard you was in here. 225 00:21:03,875 --> 00:21:07,749 - There's a funny smell in here. - It's me, I've stopped washing. 226 00:21:08,916 --> 00:21:10,207 Now, I'm sorry, to hear about your wife. 227 00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:11,874 So am I. 228 00:21:13,791 --> 00:21:16,707 Venus de Milo has been asking after you. 229 00:21:19,041 --> 00:21:21,374 Everyone's pimp and messenger, eh, Plate? 230 00:21:21,416 --> 00:21:22,749 Suit yourself. 231 00:22:41,333 --> 00:22:43,582 Milo, have you ever done it with animals? 232 00:22:43,875 --> 00:22:45,874 If that's what you want, if it would help, 233 00:22:45,916 --> 00:22:47,624 I could invent for you. 234 00:22:47,708 --> 00:22:50,040 It'll cost £5 a story. 235 00:22:50,083 --> 00:22:55,624 That's what Anaïs Nin charged in 1927, only she did it professionally. 236 00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:58,582 I haven't started professionally, yet. 237 00:22:58,625 --> 00:23:02,540 £5 or an introduction to a publisher. 238 00:23:03,166 --> 00:23:07,832 - Or a credit note to a large bookshop... - That's all right! All right, go on! 239 00:23:09,750 --> 00:23:12,874 Once upon a time, there were three bears... 240 00:23:12,916 --> 00:23:14,249 No nursery stories. 241 00:23:14,333 --> 00:23:16,790 No? All right. 242 00:23:18,583 --> 00:23:24,249 A circus owner in Anchorage kept a polar bear called Fairbanks 243 00:23:24,291 --> 00:23:26,249 to entertain Eskimo wives... 244 00:23:26,291 --> 00:23:29,124 Unlikely! And how come you know about Alaska? 245 00:23:29,208 --> 00:23:31,332 I was attentive in geography. 246 00:23:31,416 --> 00:23:35,665 The bear had a narrow snout, 247 00:23:35,750 --> 00:23:40,499 a sweet nature, and a rough and probing tongue. 248 00:23:40,583 --> 00:23:42,040 It also liked honey... 249 00:23:42,083 --> 00:23:44,082 It's beginning to sound like a bedtime story. 250 00:23:44,125 --> 00:23:46,915 - Isn't that just what you wanted? - And there are no bees in Alaska. 251 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,832 There are as many bees in Alaska as snails. 252 00:23:50,875 --> 00:23:52,415 Why do you like snails? 253 00:23:52,458 --> 00:23:54,082 They're a nice primitive form of life. 254 00:23:54,125 --> 00:23:56,124 They helped the world decay 255 00:23:56,208 --> 00:23:59,124 and they're hermaphrodite and can satisfy their own sexual needs. 256 00:23:59,208 --> 00:24:01,957 - I don't believe it. - Neither do I. 257 00:24:02,041 --> 00:24:06,082 The circus owner by leasing out the bear with a jar of honey 258 00:24:06,166 --> 00:24:08,457 had two profitable sources of income. 259 00:24:08,541 --> 00:24:11,582 God, Milo! This is another whingeing story about money. 260 00:24:11,625 --> 00:24:14,915 - And I disapprove of circuses. - I disapprove of zoos. 261 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,790 Just shut up and get out. 262 00:24:16,875 --> 00:24:18,624 But I haven't got to the erotic bit yet. 263 00:24:18,708 --> 00:24:21,999 Get out! 264 00:24:24,833 --> 00:24:25,874 Get out! 265 00:24:25,916 --> 00:24:27,582 Oh, mind your snail! 266 00:24:27,666 --> 00:24:29,082 Out! 267 00:24:29,541 --> 00:24:31,082 Get out! Go on! 268 00:24:35,541 --> 00:24:36,707 Out! 269 00:24:39,125 --> 00:24:44,915 # If you go down to the woods today You'd better go in disguise 270 00:24:46,125 --> 00:24:50,790 # If you go down to the woods today Be sure of... 271 00:24:51,083 --> 00:24:53,999 Be careful with those, you stupid idiot! 272 00:24:54,083 --> 00:24:57,415 It's best mohair. I spent a lot of time on this suit. 273 00:24:58,583 --> 00:25:04,124 # If you go down to the woods today You'd better go in disguise 274 00:25:04,791 --> 00:25:11,124 # If you go down to the woods today Be sure of a big surprise 275 00:25:11,958 --> 00:25:15,124 What sort of stories does your brother Oswald like? 276 00:25:15,208 --> 00:25:17,749 Why don't you go and ask him? 277 00:25:19,041 --> 00:25:23,374 # At six o'clock their mummies and daddies 278 00:25:24,041 --> 00:25:26,999 # Will take them home to bed 279 00:25:27,916 --> 00:25:30,165 # Because they're tired 280 00:25:31,416 --> 00:25:34,999 # Little teddy bears # 281 00:25:47,166 --> 00:25:50,582 And leave those little snails alone, you dirty old man. 282 00:26:06,583 --> 00:26:09,915 Oh, Lord! It's Oswald Deuce again! 283 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,165 What's he up to? 284 00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:14,624 What's the connection between apples and prawns? 285 00:26:15,458 --> 00:26:18,082 What do gone off prawns remind you of? 286 00:26:18,750 --> 00:26:22,915 And what's the betting all of Oswald's wives smells like that there? 287 00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:27,165 Maybe he enjoyed the smell so much, he's trying to recapture it. 288 00:26:27,250 --> 00:26:28,665 You're disgusting! 289 00:26:28,750 --> 00:26:31,915 You are too prim for words. Make him eat a prawn! 290 00:26:37,750 --> 00:26:38,749 Oswald won't mind. 291 00:26:40,958 --> 00:26:43,040 Take that off. Put this on. 292 00:26:53,708 --> 00:26:55,582 It belongs to my wife. 293 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,457 And this hat. 294 00:27:17,750 --> 00:27:19,957 Open the coat down the front. 295 00:27:24,916 --> 00:27:26,415 Fold your arms. 296 00:27:30,333 --> 00:27:31,957 All right, begin. 297 00:27:33,416 --> 00:27:37,249 In Botswana, they kept a bull in a cave... 298 00:27:37,333 --> 00:27:38,832 I've heard it. 299 00:27:39,375 --> 00:27:41,457 You have? Hmm. 300 00:27:43,041 --> 00:27:44,165 Well... 301 00:27:44,916 --> 00:27:48,999 In the 1870s, in the Regent's Park Zoo in London 302 00:27:50,583 --> 00:27:55,749 there was an enclosure reserved for certain rare animals 303 00:27:55,791 --> 00:28:01,457 that came to be called, "The Obscene Animals Enclosure." 304 00:28:04,583 --> 00:28:08,582 One of the animals, in this special enclosure, 305 00:28:08,625 --> 00:28:13,082 was a toad. At least it had the body of a toad. 306 00:28:13,333 --> 00:28:15,624 It was all your bloody fault! 307 00:28:15,708 --> 00:28:18,082 - What was? - The death of my wife! 308 00:28:18,166 --> 00:28:19,457 I see. 309 00:28:19,541 --> 00:28:25,082 I'm expected to have a pilot's licence? How could I anticipate swans? 310 00:28:25,750 --> 00:28:29,624 You were wearing white feathers and you were driving a Ford Mercury. 311 00:28:29,708 --> 00:28:32,915 - So? - You were asking for trouble. 312 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,082 Why? 313 00:28:34,833 --> 00:28:37,999 You said you took mercury to procure an abortion. 314 00:28:38,750 --> 00:28:40,582 You were pregnant. 315 00:28:40,666 --> 00:28:43,415 How the hell did you know I was pregnant? 316 00:28:43,750 --> 00:28:46,582 Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable. 317 00:28:48,750 --> 00:28:52,249 Especially, when they're trying to procure an abortion. 318 00:28:52,916 --> 00:28:56,207 It was all your fault, you bitch! 319 00:28:56,250 --> 00:28:57,457 Oliver! 320 00:29:08,250 --> 00:29:10,665 Was my story worth £10? 321 00:29:10,750 --> 00:29:14,415 I normally get 25 for 4,000 words. 322 00:29:14,500 --> 00:29:17,790 That's one-eighth of what Pauline Réage got for The Story of O. 323 00:29:20,250 --> 00:29:22,249 - Did I tell it well? - Yes! 324 00:29:23,416 --> 00:29:26,290 Write it down, I'll see it gets published. 325 00:29:26,375 --> 00:29:28,582 That's what your brother said. 326 00:29:28,666 --> 00:29:29,832 Is it? 327 00:29:32,708 --> 00:29:36,165 Isn't it time you and he became a little more friendly? 328 00:29:37,250 --> 00:29:38,665 How is he? 329 00:29:40,708 --> 00:29:42,374 He's miserable 330 00:29:44,041 --> 00:29:45,624 like you. 331 00:29:49,541 --> 00:29:52,040 Oliver says, that rot starts in the stomach. 332 00:29:52,083 --> 00:29:53,415 With an apple? 333 00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:57,415 In the intestines, in the liver, pancreas, 334 00:29:57,458 --> 00:30:00,874 the spleen, near the womb. 335 00:30:02,125 --> 00:30:06,332 I'm going to see Oliver. Do you want me to give him a message? 336 00:30:07,458 --> 00:30:09,999 No, I've got nothing to say. 337 00:30:10,333 --> 00:30:14,499 Yes, tell him to look after himself. 338 00:30:53,083 --> 00:30:54,290 Oliver! 339 00:30:55,541 --> 00:30:57,832 Oliver, what the hell are you doing? 340 00:30:57,916 --> 00:30:59,707 I'm having breakfast. 341 00:31:21,166 --> 00:31:23,124 Stop it, you bloody idiot! 342 00:31:26,125 --> 00:31:29,124 - You pathetic idiot! - It's only ice. 343 00:31:29,208 --> 00:31:31,124 Ice floats and you don't put ice in wine. 344 00:31:31,208 --> 00:31:34,290 Since when has etiquette been your strong point? 345 00:31:34,916 --> 00:31:37,749 Oh, all right. Phone for an ambulance, I've had enough. 346 00:31:37,833 --> 00:31:39,165 Thank you. 347 00:31:39,750 --> 00:31:41,915 - Shall I call for Oswald? - No! 348 00:31:42,958 --> 00:31:44,957 All right, yes. 349 00:31:45,916 --> 00:31:50,290 Tell him, I'm bleeding. He'll come. 350 00:31:51,583 --> 00:31:53,582 He always used to come when I was bleeding. 351 00:31:57,416 --> 00:31:58,749 What's Oliver looking for? 352 00:31:58,833 --> 00:32:02,415 I don't know. I mean, look at all this stuff. 353 00:32:05,416 --> 00:32:08,207 Maybe he's looking for an answer to his wife's death. 354 00:32:08,250 --> 00:32:11,040 He will not find it here. This is just a straightforward account. 355 00:32:12,208 --> 00:32:13,249 The squid 356 00:32:13,291 --> 00:32:16,082 is among the most intelligent of the invertebrates. 357 00:32:16,166 --> 00:32:18,874 Darwin was a good storyteller. 358 00:32:19,666 --> 00:32:22,207 Both brothers have taken out a copy. 359 00:32:22,958 --> 00:32:25,249 Have I got to sit through them all? 360 00:32:25,333 --> 00:32:28,374 There are eight parts. This is only the third. 361 00:32:29,291 --> 00:32:32,165 God, it's all such a dreary fiction. 362 00:32:35,333 --> 00:32:38,249 You were right. Though I didn't deserve this, okay? 363 00:32:38,291 --> 00:32:39,624 How was he right? 364 00:32:39,875 --> 00:32:41,415 I was pregnant. 365 00:32:42,250 --> 00:32:46,915 I not only lost a leg in that crash, I lost a child. 366 00:32:47,291 --> 00:32:50,207 Though I wasn't, by any means, trying to. 367 00:32:50,250 --> 00:32:53,082 Gamma is not a very good name for a child. 368 00:32:53,625 --> 00:32:56,665 I have yet to work out my greater loss. 369 00:32:59,250 --> 00:33:02,957 But I know that I want another leg and another child. 370 00:33:05,250 --> 00:33:09,582 As you can see, it was inferior china. 371 00:33:09,666 --> 00:33:12,082 What do you want to keep those for? 372 00:33:12,333 --> 00:33:14,665 Throw them away, you stupid boy! 373 00:33:25,750 --> 00:33:28,665 I'd like to see this place. 374 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:33,999 Then go and see it. 375 00:33:35,541 --> 00:33:38,249 And come back and tell me, how it's getting on. 376 00:33:38,291 --> 00:33:39,874 The key is in my bag. 377 00:33:40,666 --> 00:33:42,540 You could go together. 378 00:33:43,916 --> 00:33:45,540 So who found you? 379 00:33:46,125 --> 00:33:48,249 - De Milo. - Who is she? 380 00:33:48,333 --> 00:33:51,290 Actually, her trade name is Venus, her clients call her De Milo. 381 00:33:51,791 --> 00:33:53,374 The seamstress. 382 00:33:54,291 --> 00:33:56,082 She's a beautiful stitcher. 383 00:33:56,750 --> 00:33:57,915 When she's not watching the zebras, 384 00:33:57,958 --> 00:34:00,040 she meets her clients at the panda house. 385 00:34:00,083 --> 00:34:02,499 Oh! And what's her speciality? 386 00:34:03,583 --> 00:34:04,832 Bamboo. 387 00:34:17,416 --> 00:34:20,249 - "J" is for... - Jaguar. 388 00:34:20,333 --> 00:34:23,749 - "K" is for... - Kangaroo. 389 00:34:23,791 --> 00:34:25,915 - "L" is for... - Lion. 390 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:28,332 - "M" is for... - Monkey. 391 00:34:36,458 --> 00:34:38,415 Mon dieu, Oswald! What's this? 392 00:34:38,500 --> 00:34:40,624 Prawns on their way back. 393 00:34:40,708 --> 00:34:43,957 - Way back? - To where they came from. 394 00:34:44,041 --> 00:34:47,124 Ooze, slime, murk... 395 00:34:54,541 --> 00:34:55,582 Ooh, I'm still alive. 396 00:34:55,666 --> 00:34:57,624 Someone's being tampering with my experiment. 397 00:34:57,708 --> 00:35:00,165 Or perhaps they were hungry. 398 00:35:00,250 --> 00:35:02,415 Who the hell is he? 399 00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:05,207 He's the surgeon who removed my leg. 400 00:35:05,916 --> 00:35:09,040 He wants to be a painter, a Dutch painter. 401 00:35:09,083 --> 00:35:12,165 In fact, the Dutch painter Vermeer, no less! 402 00:35:12,250 --> 00:35:14,040 Vermeer only painted 26 paintings 403 00:35:14,083 --> 00:35:15,415 and three of those are dubious. 404 00:35:15,458 --> 00:35:16,499 That's enough. 405 00:35:16,583 --> 00:35:20,374 Obviously not! Van Meegeren tried to paint some more. 406 00:35:20,958 --> 00:35:23,082 - That's his name! - Who's name? 407 00:35:23,125 --> 00:35:25,040 - The surgeon's. - Pardon? 408 00:35:25,083 --> 00:35:26,832 Van Meegeren. 409 00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:30,374 He's the cousin of the faker who painted fake Vermeers. 410 00:35:31,083 --> 00:35:32,957 What's his speciality? 411 00:35:33,583 --> 00:35:35,249 Vermeer women. 412 00:35:36,375 --> 00:35:40,582 Van Meegeren says, I look like the lady standing at a virginal. 413 00:35:41,708 --> 00:35:44,707 I suspect it's because you never see her legs. 414 00:35:45,666 --> 00:35:47,707 She's not standing really. 415 00:35:48,166 --> 00:35:50,915 She's strapped and stitched to her music stool. 416 00:35:51,958 --> 00:35:54,749 Van Meegeren has a great reputation for stitching. 417 00:35:54,833 --> 00:35:56,165 Stitching? 418 00:35:56,750 --> 00:36:00,582 Suturing. Sewing up wounds. Operations. 419 00:36:02,333 --> 00:36:04,665 He's made a beautiful job on me. 420 00:36:05,583 --> 00:36:07,499 - Look. - No, I can't. 421 00:36:07,583 --> 00:36:09,332 - Why not? - Because... 422 00:36:11,916 --> 00:36:13,707 You see what I mean? 423 00:36:14,541 --> 00:36:15,957 I can see more than that. 424 00:36:16,041 --> 00:36:18,165 Oh! That, well... 425 00:36:19,708 --> 00:36:22,332 That's pretty redundant now, isn't it? 426 00:36:23,416 --> 00:36:25,624 I mean, except to pee through. 427 00:36:28,041 --> 00:36:29,165 I want you to make sure 428 00:36:29,250 --> 00:36:32,665 those two brothers don't get too close to Alba Bewick. 429 00:36:33,333 --> 00:36:34,957 How do I do that? 430 00:36:35,791 --> 00:36:37,290 Distract them. 431 00:36:38,208 --> 00:36:39,874 As only you know how. 432 00:36:43,291 --> 00:36:45,582 What's in it for me? 433 00:36:45,625 --> 00:36:47,124 My patients... 434 00:36:48,166 --> 00:36:50,249 Our patients that'd be. 435 00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:54,332 And a continuing place in my operating theatre, 436 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:56,665 and in my bed. 437 00:37:07,833 --> 00:37:09,040 Oliver! 438 00:37:09,083 --> 00:37:12,999 I was thinking, at the crash, which way was the wind blowing? 439 00:37:14,208 --> 00:37:15,874 Was it blowing off the buildings at the north side, 440 00:37:15,916 --> 00:37:17,582 or the buildings on the south side? 441 00:37:17,666 --> 00:37:19,915 Stop, Oliver, enough. 442 00:37:19,958 --> 00:37:23,749 You've got to stop! What difference does it make? 443 00:37:23,791 --> 00:37:26,957 You exhaust me with your obsessions. Both of you! 444 00:37:27,041 --> 00:37:28,749 You're our only witness. 445 00:37:28,791 --> 00:37:30,999 What sort of witness was I? 446 00:37:31,083 --> 00:37:35,290 In searing pain? A face full of feathers? An egg yolk? 447 00:37:35,375 --> 00:37:40,415 My leg smashed to pulp, bleeding. And you ask me for wind directions. 448 00:37:42,166 --> 00:37:43,374 Sorry. 449 00:37:45,458 --> 00:37:47,874 - Where's Beta? - She's with Oswald. 450 00:37:48,875 --> 00:37:52,249 Look, it was an accident. 451 00:37:52,291 --> 00:37:54,874 5,000 accidents happen every day. 452 00:37:54,916 --> 00:37:57,540 - This one's... - Bizarre, tragic, farcical! 453 00:37:57,583 --> 00:38:00,249 - This one is different... - They're acts of God! 454 00:38:00,333 --> 00:38:04,415 Fit only to amaze the survivors and irritate the insurance company. 455 00:38:04,458 --> 00:38:06,582 This one is different, for God's sake! 456 00:38:06,625 --> 00:38:07,707 Is it? 457 00:38:07,750 --> 00:38:11,624 The wives of two zoologists die in a car driven by a woman called Bewick, 458 00:38:11,708 --> 00:38:14,165 who's attacked by a swan on Swan's Way! 459 00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:18,624 You are already beginning to build yourself a case for the supernatural. 460 00:38:18,708 --> 00:38:21,374 But another set of details, from the same crash, 461 00:38:21,416 --> 00:38:24,374 could produce something completely different! 462 00:38:36,791 --> 00:38:38,499 And what about me? 463 00:38:39,500 --> 00:38:41,999 Don't I deserve some consideration? 464 00:38:44,208 --> 00:38:48,582 With a daughter, who can't sit still, and why should she? 465 00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:52,207 Take her out for me, will you? 466 00:38:52,916 --> 00:38:56,874 Van Meegeren is going to fit me with an artificial leg tomorrow. 467 00:38:58,708 --> 00:38:59,915 Kiss me. 468 00:39:00,916 --> 00:39:04,665 I haven't been kissed since your wife kissed me a month ago. 469 00:39:05,583 --> 00:39:07,415 Kiss me on the cheek. 470 00:39:07,875 --> 00:39:10,124 Here, where she did. 471 00:39:26,125 --> 00:39:27,749 And the ostrich eats anything at all. 472 00:39:28,166 --> 00:39:30,457 And buries its head in the sand when it's afraid. 473 00:39:30,958 --> 00:39:35,082 - And the elephant lives to be 100. - And never forgets a face. 474 00:39:35,583 --> 00:39:39,124 So, you see between us, we know everything. 475 00:39:39,208 --> 00:39:40,749 You don't know everything. 476 00:39:41,458 --> 00:39:42,915 Between us, we do. 477 00:39:43,208 --> 00:39:44,790 All right, then. 478 00:39:46,083 --> 00:39:48,332 You see that woman over there? 479 00:39:49,041 --> 00:39:51,665 What color knickers is she wearing? 480 00:39:51,750 --> 00:39:53,999 - Red ones, to match her hat. - No, she isn't. 481 00:39:54,083 --> 00:39:56,082 - How do you know? - I know. 482 00:39:58,375 --> 00:40:00,165 Well, Oliver, 483 00:40:00,250 --> 00:40:02,957 you could always go and ask and find out. 484 00:40:04,083 --> 00:40:05,582 Go on, ask her. 485 00:40:18,458 --> 00:40:20,499 Excuse me, madam, I'm sorry to bother you. 486 00:40:20,583 --> 00:40:22,790 I think we may just have met before. 487 00:40:22,875 --> 00:40:26,040 May I trouble you in the interest of that child's education? 488 00:40:26,083 --> 00:40:27,874 May I ask you a few questions? 489 00:40:27,916 --> 00:40:30,582 - Like? - Like? Uh... 490 00:40:31,583 --> 00:40:33,665 Are these ostrich feathers? 491 00:40:34,166 --> 00:40:38,749 - Who are you exactly? Do I know you? - I'm an animal behaviourist, madam. 492 00:40:39,666 --> 00:40:42,957 Then your question doesn't sound very well informed. 493 00:40:43,541 --> 00:40:47,082 - What animals are you a behaviourist of? - All animals. Madam... 494 00:40:47,166 --> 00:40:49,582 Can I ask you a personal question? 495 00:40:50,791 --> 00:40:54,582 Which do you prefer... What color are your knickers? 496 00:40:54,625 --> 00:40:56,540 - Black and white striped. - Thank you! 497 00:40:56,583 --> 00:40:58,207 It's a pleasure. 498 00:41:05,125 --> 00:41:10,624 - You see, black and white stripes. - You didn't know. I knew all the time. 499 00:41:10,708 --> 00:41:13,249 - You did? - Yes, I saw them yesterday. 500 00:41:13,875 --> 00:41:17,165 Well, why did you make me go through all that, then? 501 00:41:20,250 --> 00:41:21,582 Excuse me. 502 00:41:22,166 --> 00:41:24,499 Just in case you don't believe me, I can show you. 503 00:41:24,583 --> 00:41:27,457 Ah! No, thank you very much! We believe you. 504 00:41:27,541 --> 00:41:31,457 - I insist! - It's really quite all right. Thank you! 505 00:41:34,416 --> 00:41:37,457 If you are both zoologists as you claim, 506 00:41:37,541 --> 00:41:39,915 you pride yourself on your powers of observation. 507 00:41:39,958 --> 00:41:42,499 You must continue these experiments. 508 00:41:43,083 --> 00:41:47,082 If you don't look at the evidence, you're cheating the child. 509 00:41:47,125 --> 00:41:51,499 Come with me or I swear I'll kick this table over. 510 00:41:52,791 --> 00:41:54,207 Go on, then. 511 00:41:56,750 --> 00:41:57,957 God! 512 00:41:58,041 --> 00:42:00,165 And now I'll knock over this one, if you don't go with me at once. 513 00:42:00,250 --> 00:42:02,165 All right! Where to? 514 00:42:03,166 --> 00:42:04,707 Just follow me. 515 00:42:08,166 --> 00:42:09,582 Go on, then. 516 00:42:10,416 --> 00:42:12,040 Thanks very much. 517 00:42:18,166 --> 00:42:21,707 All right, smart zoologist. Now see for yourself. 518 00:42:26,416 --> 00:42:27,582 Go on. 519 00:42:33,291 --> 00:42:35,582 That will cost you £40. 520 00:42:35,666 --> 00:42:39,124 And there's another thing, Van Meegeren and I believe 521 00:42:39,208 --> 00:42:41,249 it's better for you and your precious brother 522 00:42:41,291 --> 00:42:45,082 not to see Alba Bewick, before it's too late. 523 00:42:45,125 --> 00:42:46,249 Too late? 524 00:42:46,333 --> 00:42:49,415 If you both feel so lonely, you can't help yourself, 525 00:42:49,458 --> 00:42:51,290 come and see me. 526 00:42:51,375 --> 00:42:54,790 Together, if you must. And I don't tell dirty stories. 527 00:43:18,583 --> 00:43:22,415 Don't press too hard, my back aches. 528 00:43:22,500 --> 00:43:26,540 - Where does it ache? - Across the hips and along the spine. 529 00:43:26,583 --> 00:43:31,207 Don't worry. It's a natural condition. Let's have you in a sitting position. 530 00:43:33,416 --> 00:43:36,832 - Tell me, what happened to my leg? - What do you mean? 531 00:43:36,916 --> 00:43:40,415 - Where is it now? Have you sold it? - It was incinerated. 532 00:43:40,458 --> 00:43:42,582 - Where? - Don't concern yourself with it. 533 00:43:42,666 --> 00:43:45,749 - Where? - In the hospital incinerator. 534 00:43:45,833 --> 00:43:48,707 What is your connection with the zoo? 535 00:43:48,750 --> 00:43:50,707 I am veterinarian consultant. Why do you ask? 536 00:43:50,750 --> 00:43:54,999 - Do you perform amputations on animals? - If they are necessary. 537 00:43:56,041 --> 00:43:58,915 Do you fit animals with artificial limbs? 538 00:43:58,958 --> 00:44:01,499 Where are these questions leading, Alba? 539 00:44:01,583 --> 00:44:05,082 Is animal surgery so different from human surgery? 540 00:44:06,541 --> 00:44:08,665 There are many similarities. 541 00:44:21,041 --> 00:44:23,582 - What's this for? - It's for a surprise. 542 00:44:23,625 --> 00:44:25,249 What sort of a surprise? 543 00:44:25,333 --> 00:44:27,749 Don't be alarmed. I'm sure you'll like it. 544 00:44:27,833 --> 00:44:30,957 What sort of surprise will it be if we tell you? 545 00:44:31,041 --> 00:44:37,040 - You take too many liberties. - I do. They're all in your interest. 546 00:44:42,833 --> 00:44:45,915 - Is that a real angelfish? - Yes. 547 00:44:45,958 --> 00:44:47,415 Can it fly? 548 00:44:47,458 --> 00:44:49,415 Well, if it could, it still couldn't escape. 549 00:44:49,500 --> 00:44:50,957 It's a caged fish. 550 00:44:51,041 --> 00:44:53,915 - Can it swim away? - Where would it swim to? 551 00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:56,624 The Sargasso sea. That's where all fish go. 552 00:44:56,708 --> 00:44:57,749 Is it? 553 00:44:57,791 --> 00:45:01,124 Yes, that's where my mother's leg has gone. 554 00:45:01,208 --> 00:45:03,915 - How come? - It was taken by a shark. 555 00:45:03,958 --> 00:45:06,499 Called Van Meegeren, perhaps. 556 00:45:06,583 --> 00:45:10,457 - Who's he? - Oh, just a keeper of legs. 557 00:45:11,958 --> 00:45:14,249 Do you keep lots of black and white fish? 558 00:45:14,333 --> 00:45:16,665 - Yes. - Zebra-fish? 559 00:45:16,750 --> 00:45:18,624 We also have parrot-fish, 560 00:45:18,708 --> 00:45:21,790 elephant-fish, rat-fish and tiger-sharks. 561 00:45:21,875 --> 00:45:25,749 You see, fish anticipated everything that was to come. 562 00:45:25,791 --> 00:45:29,082 I don't know why evolution bothered to go on. Why go further? 563 00:45:29,125 --> 00:45:31,415 There are no swan-fish. 564 00:45:38,250 --> 00:45:41,624 Oliver? Oswald? 565 00:45:41,708 --> 00:45:43,749 What are you doing here so late? 566 00:45:43,833 --> 00:45:45,082 Reptiles. 567 00:45:46,083 --> 00:45:47,124 I want to tell you about... 568 00:46:08,916 --> 00:46:10,374 Sit here. 569 00:46:10,416 --> 00:46:14,124 Reptiles differed from their immediate amphibious ancestors 570 00:46:14,208 --> 00:46:17,665 by having a skin capable of retaining body moisture. 571 00:46:18,708 --> 00:46:20,374 Which meant that animals for the first time... 572 00:46:20,416 --> 00:46:23,624 Isn't it a bit late to be watching reptiles? 573 00:46:23,708 --> 00:46:26,207 400 million years too late. 574 00:46:28,250 --> 00:46:31,665 - What's all this watching for? - I'm trying to work it out. 575 00:46:32,250 --> 00:46:33,540 What out? 576 00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:37,249 Why we should come all this way, slowly and painfully, 577 00:46:37,750 --> 00:46:40,749 inch by inch, fraction by fraction, second by second, 578 00:46:40,833 --> 00:46:43,957 so that my wife should die by a swan? 579 00:46:44,041 --> 00:46:45,874 Very personal view of evolution. 580 00:46:45,916 --> 00:46:49,749 What have a swan and my wife got in common? 581 00:46:49,791 --> 00:46:51,749 - Me! - You? 582 00:46:51,833 --> 00:46:55,040 And my car, my amputated leg, 583 00:46:55,916 --> 00:46:57,124 my lost child. 584 00:46:57,500 --> 00:46:59,582 Before the vast majority of reptiles 585 00:46:59,666 --> 00:47:00,832 died out mysteriously... 586 00:47:00,916 --> 00:47:02,582 Reptiles didn't die out. 587 00:47:03,958 --> 00:47:07,249 They grew feathers and became birds. 588 00:47:07,333 --> 00:47:10,499 So our swan was a flying lizard? 589 00:47:10,583 --> 00:47:12,915 Did Jupiter know that when he raped Leda? 590 00:47:12,958 --> 00:47:15,457 He didn't rape her. She was willing. 591 00:47:15,541 --> 00:47:18,582 Mon dieu, Oswald! Are you implying I was? 592 00:47:18,625 --> 00:47:19,957 What do you mean? 593 00:47:20,041 --> 00:47:23,082 You've been trying to tell me, you and Oliver, 594 00:47:23,125 --> 00:47:25,582 that I was responsible for your wife's death. 595 00:47:25,666 --> 00:47:28,332 No, we haven't. 596 00:47:29,541 --> 00:47:31,915 And things have suddenly changed. 597 00:47:33,750 --> 00:47:37,749 Forcing the development of new sexual apparatus... 598 00:47:37,833 --> 00:47:39,582 Where is Oliver? 599 00:47:39,625 --> 00:47:41,082 He's working. 600 00:47:42,791 --> 00:47:47,082 He keeps stealing snails, letting butterflies free. 601 00:47:47,875 --> 00:47:52,249 He should go there. It's full of snails and butterflies. 602 00:47:52,791 --> 00:47:58,749 If you left a bicycle by the back door, and you went indoors to use the toilet, 603 00:47:58,833 --> 00:48:03,832 when you came out, the saddle was covered in snails, 604 00:48:03,916 --> 00:48:06,082 licking up your sweat. 605 00:48:08,750 --> 00:48:10,832 I haven't been there for 15 years. 606 00:48:12,250 --> 00:48:14,374 I'd quite like to die there. 607 00:48:15,708 --> 00:48:19,582 You must go there for me. You might find my Felipe Arc-en-Ciel. 608 00:48:20,791 --> 00:48:22,582 The key is in my bag. 609 00:48:23,208 --> 00:48:24,624 God! 610 00:48:26,708 --> 00:48:32,540 - Good Lord, Alba! Which one? - Oh! I don't know, I've forgotten. 611 00:48:33,416 --> 00:48:35,374 You'd better try them all. 612 00:48:37,750 --> 00:48:42,124 Ah! Start with this one. It looks right. 613 00:48:48,583 --> 00:48:52,415 - Why'd you keep all these? - I've always had them. 614 00:48:53,583 --> 00:48:57,499 You must never throw a key away. Did you know that? 615 00:48:59,458 --> 00:49:00,707 Kiss me. 616 00:49:02,416 --> 00:49:04,207 Crocodiles and their relatives, 617 00:49:04,250 --> 00:49:06,790 the gharials, alligators and caimans... 618 00:49:06,875 --> 00:49:09,624 - Your leg. - What leg? 619 00:49:11,333 --> 00:49:13,207 Don't be so sensitive. 620 00:49:14,125 --> 00:49:18,540 You'd be surprised, what a novelty it is. 621 00:49:19,250 --> 00:49:23,124 Come on. I want more than a kiss. 622 00:49:23,916 --> 00:49:27,082 You might like it. Your brother did. 623 00:50:18,166 --> 00:50:21,082 - What's the charge? - Charge? 624 00:50:21,875 --> 00:50:24,540 The charge is £30. 625 00:50:27,916 --> 00:50:30,415 Do you think the zebra was a mistake? 626 00:50:31,833 --> 00:50:32,999 Never. 627 00:50:33,500 --> 00:50:36,874 Do you think that black and white stripes are useful? 628 00:50:37,625 --> 00:50:39,249 I'm sure they are. 629 00:50:40,333 --> 00:50:43,499 Since the zebra is such a beautiful animal, 630 00:50:43,583 --> 00:50:47,249 you'd have thought, perhaps, that man would have invented a fanciful hybrid. 631 00:50:47,291 --> 00:50:48,415 Wouldn't you? 632 00:50:49,166 --> 00:50:51,165 You know, like a centaur. 633 00:50:52,666 --> 00:50:57,165 A black and white centaur, half-woman, half-zebra, 634 00:50:58,250 --> 00:51:03,915 with striped breasts, ever-ready haunches and a white tail. 635 00:51:05,916 --> 00:51:07,457 No black hair. 636 00:51:09,333 --> 00:51:11,457 They'd only put it in a zoo. 637 00:51:12,041 --> 00:51:15,915 - Next to the unicorn. - And the mermaid. 638 00:51:17,333 --> 00:51:19,832 Animals are always kept for profit. 639 00:51:21,208 --> 00:51:23,624 Maybe that's what they are for. 640 00:51:23,708 --> 00:51:26,624 There are many ways of making a profit. 641 00:51:26,708 --> 00:51:29,082 If I had the money to own a zoo, 642 00:51:29,166 --> 00:51:31,665 I would stock it with mythological animals. 643 00:51:32,250 --> 00:51:34,999 And where would you find them? 644 00:51:35,083 --> 00:51:36,457 I would ask you to help me. 645 00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:40,207 Oh, I'm very expensive. 646 00:52:03,458 --> 00:52:05,249 You don't seem to have protected Alba 647 00:52:05,291 --> 00:52:07,415 from the attentions of Oliver and Oswald. 648 00:52:07,458 --> 00:52:10,165 I can't patrol the world like a sentry. 649 00:52:10,958 --> 00:52:13,540 You could surely offer more attractive alternatives 650 00:52:13,583 --> 00:52:15,624 than a woman with one leg. 651 00:52:18,083 --> 00:52:21,582 Would they be interested in a woman with no legs at all? 652 00:52:22,875 --> 00:52:26,582 Since you, obviously, put more interest in her than you do in me, 653 00:52:26,666 --> 00:52:29,082 you ought to be able to answer the question yourself. 654 00:52:36,250 --> 00:52:40,040 - Captain Hook had one leg. - It was his arm. 655 00:52:40,083 --> 00:52:41,457 And Long John Silver. 656 00:52:41,541 --> 00:52:43,665 They were both fictional, so they don't count. 657 00:52:43,750 --> 00:52:47,415 - And Victor Hugo's father. - He wrote fiction, so he doesn't count. 658 00:52:47,500 --> 00:52:49,540 It was a cork leg. 659 00:52:49,791 --> 00:52:50,999 Really? 660 00:52:51,791 --> 00:52:55,790 Oh, I wonder if he had as much trouble having it fitting as I am? 661 00:52:56,250 --> 00:52:58,999 - Next time you two must come with me. - Why? 662 00:52:59,083 --> 00:53:01,082 To protect to me from unnecessary attentions. 663 00:53:01,125 --> 00:53:04,082 - Oh, you're imagining it. - Pinocchio's legs were wooden. 664 00:53:04,166 --> 00:53:05,415 Well, Toulouse-Lautrec. 665 00:53:05,500 --> 00:53:08,499 He had legs, they were just a little short. 666 00:53:08,583 --> 00:53:10,082 Now, his father kept horses. 667 00:53:10,125 --> 00:53:12,999 So? Marie Antoinette's father kept pigs. Look what happened to her. 668 00:53:13,083 --> 00:53:15,165 Marie Antoinette's father didn't keep pigs! 669 00:53:15,250 --> 00:53:17,249 Somebody's father did. 670 00:53:17,333 --> 00:53:20,040 You two are improving, aren't you? 671 00:53:20,083 --> 00:53:22,207 Who would have thought you knew one another? 672 00:53:22,250 --> 00:53:23,624 Yeah, Beta. 673 00:53:31,375 --> 00:53:37,082 Shall we jump in now or later? What would we taste like? 674 00:53:37,125 --> 00:53:41,415 Grief doesn't flavour anything. It's just sour. 675 00:53:41,458 --> 00:53:44,582 - Excuse me, can I have a word with you? - Go ahead. 676 00:53:44,625 --> 00:53:47,415 - Wouldn't you like to speak to me alone? - No. 677 00:53:47,500 --> 00:53:50,249 Oh, dear! Grief is a great healer. 678 00:53:50,333 --> 00:53:52,374 I hear you might be looking for some dead animals. 679 00:53:52,416 --> 00:53:53,499 I may be. 680 00:53:53,583 --> 00:53:55,249 - Well, what exactly are you looking for? - Reptiles. 681 00:53:55,291 --> 00:53:57,290 - Would something a bit bigger do? - Not yet. 682 00:53:57,375 --> 00:53:58,499 Would a crocodile do? 683 00:53:58,583 --> 00:54:00,540 Well, it might, but I'm unlikely to find one. 684 00:54:00,583 --> 00:54:02,832 - How much would you pay? - Pay? I haven't thought. 685 00:54:02,916 --> 00:54:05,249 What all you'll bought with the insurance money, you're not badly off. 686 00:54:05,333 --> 00:54:06,540 That's none of your business. 687 00:54:06,583 --> 00:54:08,165 - £40. - That seems a lot. 688 00:54:08,250 --> 00:54:12,082 - All right, £35. - Where did you get that? 689 00:54:12,166 --> 00:54:15,957 In a zoo community of 7,000 animals, there are deaths every day. 690 00:54:16,041 --> 00:54:18,415 I mean, crocodiles are not immortal. 691 00:54:22,875 --> 00:54:25,915 De Milo, with my instructions, has made you a dress. 692 00:54:26,250 --> 00:54:29,665 It's a copy in every detail, of the one worn by Madame Van Ees, 693 00:54:29,750 --> 00:54:32,415 in both The Concert and The Music Lesson. 694 00:54:33,125 --> 00:54:36,915 We now nearly have the entire wardrobe seen in Vermeer's paintings. 695 00:54:37,583 --> 00:54:40,665 I came for an artificial leg, not an artificial dress. 696 00:54:40,750 --> 00:54:44,290 Just to please me. Milo, help Alba with the dress. 697 00:54:46,958 --> 00:54:48,624 Have you two met? 698 00:54:49,875 --> 00:54:54,582 I know enough, Milo, to know that you favour black 699 00:54:54,666 --> 00:54:57,415 and plan to earn your living as a writer. 700 00:54:58,791 --> 00:55:00,540 I know a publisher. 701 00:55:01,041 --> 00:55:04,415 You must come and tell me some dirty stories. 702 00:55:04,500 --> 00:55:07,374 Oh, what you would like? I could tell you about 703 00:55:07,416 --> 00:55:10,790 what Venus did to the unicorn in Beardsley's Under the Hill. 704 00:55:10,875 --> 00:55:14,207 - Milo... - He got paid 60 guineas. 705 00:55:14,250 --> 00:55:16,749 What do you think 60 guineas was worth? 706 00:55:16,833 --> 00:55:18,790 Milo, put the dress on. 707 00:55:18,875 --> 00:55:22,665 In this room, as you can see, I'm only used for holding pins. 708 00:55:23,875 --> 00:55:25,915 Do I really have to? 709 00:55:26,708 --> 00:55:28,790 Come on, sit at the piano. Can you play? 710 00:55:29,166 --> 00:55:31,165 Nothing very complicated. 711 00:56:00,166 --> 00:56:01,957 It needs a tuck here. 712 00:56:03,625 --> 00:56:08,124 There's not enough spread. A pity about the hair. 713 00:56:12,416 --> 00:56:14,207 Get me out of here. 714 00:56:14,250 --> 00:56:16,124 C'est terrible! 715 00:56:16,583 --> 00:56:18,290 What's so terrible? 716 00:56:18,375 --> 00:56:22,082 I'm an excuse for medical experiments and art theory. 717 00:56:22,750 --> 00:56:25,707 You must get me out of here and out of the hospital. 718 00:56:25,750 --> 00:56:28,124 They are trying to help you. 719 00:56:28,208 --> 00:56:31,249 Help me, for God's sake! What are you thinking? 720 00:56:32,208 --> 00:56:36,415 I'm stitched and sewn to the music stool. 721 00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:39,124 Look, I'm imprisoned! 722 00:56:47,125 --> 00:56:49,707 This is one of the most specialised of birds, 723 00:56:49,750 --> 00:56:52,582 which has evolved during the past few million years 724 00:56:52,666 --> 00:56:55,749 to exploit this one particular environment. 725 00:56:55,791 --> 00:57:00,749 The shallow alkaline lakes and lagoons swarming with microscopic life. 726 00:57:06,833 --> 00:57:07,915 Why not? 727 00:57:35,958 --> 00:57:37,499 It's beautiful! 728 00:57:38,708 --> 00:57:41,040 Does Alba really know what she's got here? 729 00:57:41,083 --> 00:57:42,624 I'm sure of it. 730 00:57:43,500 --> 00:57:47,790 - Does she really know what she's doing? - She's trying to start all over again. 731 00:57:47,875 --> 00:57:49,957 By sleeping with two brothers who can't tell the difference 732 00:57:50,041 --> 00:57:52,999 between pleasure and grief and take advantage of her loneliness. 733 00:57:53,083 --> 00:57:56,415 My impression was she was taking advantage of our loneliness. 734 00:57:56,458 --> 00:57:57,582 So... 735 00:57:58,250 --> 00:58:01,999 Who's gaining most out of this mutual exploitation? 736 00:58:02,083 --> 00:58:04,624 - At the moment, I am. - Why you? 737 00:58:04,708 --> 00:58:06,749 'Cause I'm enjoying this! 738 00:58:06,833 --> 00:58:09,040 You're here but worried about exploitation. 739 00:58:09,291 --> 00:58:12,249 And Alba's not here but in bed without a leg. 740 00:58:33,750 --> 00:58:35,874 Now, open your eyes. 741 00:58:37,041 --> 00:58:39,124 We've not found your Felipe Arc-en-Ciel, 742 00:58:39,208 --> 00:58:41,707 but we have found you an apartment. 743 00:58:42,208 --> 00:58:44,707 Now you'll be safe from art and medicine. 744 00:58:44,750 --> 00:58:47,665 It looks very expensive! 745 00:58:49,208 --> 00:58:51,165 And a little bit vulgar. 746 00:58:52,583 --> 00:58:58,082 It's certainly convenient for the zoo. And who's going to pay for all this? 747 00:58:58,166 --> 00:58:59,207 We are! 748 00:58:59,250 --> 00:59:03,540 And here is a reminder of how it really goes. 749 00:59:06,916 --> 00:59:08,915 # If you go down in the woods today 750 00:59:08,958 --> 00:59:11,457 # You're sure of a big surprise # 751 00:59:11,541 --> 00:59:15,415 I see, exchanging one prison for another. 752 00:59:16,291 --> 00:59:18,624 But the music is still the same. 753 00:59:20,541 --> 00:59:23,790 - So, I am to be a kept woman? - Not so you'd notice. 754 00:59:24,750 --> 00:59:27,165 Will I be able to escape if I want to? 755 00:59:27,250 --> 00:59:29,707 Of course! You know, I don't believe in cages. 756 00:59:29,750 --> 00:59:34,624 - Suppose, I don't want to escape. - Good grief, Alba! 757 00:59:34,708 --> 00:59:36,707 You're free to come and go, as you please. 758 00:59:36,750 --> 00:59:40,040 Good! Just want to get that straight. 759 00:59:40,083 --> 00:59:42,582 You know they clip the wings of birds in the zoo. 760 00:59:42,625 --> 00:59:45,040 Yeah, but they always grow again. 761 00:59:45,375 --> 00:59:48,915 Now that wasn't a such a bright thing to say in the circumstances, was it? 762 00:59:48,958 --> 00:59:50,124 Sorry. 763 00:59:51,500 --> 00:59:54,832 - Who has the keys? - You can have the keys. 764 00:59:54,916 --> 00:59:58,290 The keys aren't in it. Look, you are as free as a bird! 765 00:59:58,375 --> 01:00:02,082 Just like Leda. 766 01:00:03,958 --> 01:00:06,457 Prove I'm as free as a bird. 767 01:00:06,541 --> 01:00:08,832 - Prove it? - Mmm-hmm. 768 01:00:10,000 --> 01:00:11,749 All right. 769 01:00:11,791 --> 01:00:15,457 All right, you just sit on your balcony at 9:00 tomorrow morning 770 01:00:15,541 --> 01:00:18,915 and I'll show you how easy it is to free birds. 771 01:00:18,958 --> 01:00:23,290 Okay, let's see how all that changes in the face of new evidence. 772 01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:30,832 I am about to become a mother, and you are about to become a father. 773 01:00:30,916 --> 01:00:32,249 - Or fathers. - You what? 774 01:00:32,333 --> 01:00:33,457 - You are? - I am. 775 01:00:33,541 --> 01:00:34,582 - Good Lord. - Why not? 776 01:00:34,625 --> 01:00:36,249 - You can? - Of course. 777 01:00:36,333 --> 01:00:39,624 - Is leglessness a form of contraception? - I'm not sure. 778 01:00:39,708 --> 01:00:41,249 - You're not sure? - I'm delighted. 779 01:00:41,291 --> 01:00:45,707 You're delighted. A pregnant cripple and you're delighted? 780 01:00:45,750 --> 01:00:47,749 Think of what it will do to my sense of balance. 781 01:00:47,791 --> 01:00:51,415 - It might help give you more stability. - Then you recommend it. 782 01:00:51,458 --> 01:00:55,415 Recommendation's one thing, a woman on crutches is another. 783 01:00:55,458 --> 01:00:57,915 So, who's the father? 784 01:00:58,583 --> 01:01:00,249 Well, well, well. 785 01:01:00,875 --> 01:01:02,624 Why don't you discuss it between yourselves? 786 01:01:02,708 --> 01:01:04,082 Well, don't you know? 787 01:01:04,125 --> 01:01:08,582 Grand dieu, does an animal behaviourist need to ask such questions? 788 01:01:09,583 --> 01:01:12,790 As far as I'm concerned you both are. 789 01:01:12,875 --> 01:01:14,749 - But you're... - No buts! 790 01:01:16,750 --> 01:01:19,540 You are brothers, aren't you? 791 01:01:19,583 --> 01:01:22,332 What's a few spermatozoa among brothers? 792 01:01:58,916 --> 01:02:03,165 Oliver, invigorating as the sight may be to you, 793 01:02:03,250 --> 01:02:08,457 perhaps you can tell me something about their escape. 794 01:02:08,541 --> 01:02:09,832 You think I should know? 795 01:02:10,916 --> 01:02:15,124 I understand that you are critical about my custody of birds. 796 01:02:17,750 --> 01:02:22,332 They look like twins. Could they fly like that, do you think? 797 01:02:22,416 --> 01:02:25,332 - Joined together like that? - They could learn. 798 01:02:26,583 --> 01:02:29,415 - Could my fish learn? - I'm sure. 799 01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:31,415 It's lonely. 800 01:02:32,750 --> 01:02:35,624 I'll show you what to do. Come with me. 801 01:02:35,708 --> 01:02:37,957 Both the tiger and the zebra 802 01:02:38,041 --> 01:02:39,957 carry their own prison bars. 803 01:02:40,750 --> 01:02:45,249 But whereas the tiger's stripes, undoubtedly serve as camouflage, 804 01:02:45,333 --> 01:02:46,582 the stripes of the zebra 805 01:02:46,666 --> 01:02:49,749 are now no longer believed to be protective colouring. 806 01:02:51,416 --> 01:02:55,082 The flamingo, Jerome, lives on crustaceans. 807 01:02:55,125 --> 01:02:56,874 The richer the diet, the pinker the feathers. 808 01:02:57,333 --> 01:02:59,082 Your birds are too pale. 809 01:02:59,166 --> 01:03:02,165 Fresh prawns are rather difficult to keep 810 01:03:02,458 --> 01:03:03,749 as I'm sure you understand. 811 01:03:03,833 --> 01:03:06,874 A flamingo enclosure is 10 feet by 12. 812 01:03:06,916 --> 01:03:11,749 You have 123 birds which gives each bird one square foot each. 813 01:03:11,833 --> 01:03:14,665 Flamingos normally roost standing on one another's feet. 814 01:03:14,750 --> 01:03:19,790 There you are, a mirror image. It's not that impossible to find. 815 01:03:21,000 --> 01:03:22,707 Flamingos never experience a temperature 816 01:03:22,750 --> 01:03:24,665 lower than five degrees centigrade. 817 01:03:24,750 --> 01:03:26,582 Nor do they respect traffic signals. 818 01:03:27,416 --> 01:03:30,749 Your fugitive cold and anaemic flamingos 819 01:03:30,791 --> 01:03:33,499 don't look terribly at home waiting for a taxi, do they? 820 01:03:33,583 --> 01:03:36,915 Well, you've got it wrong. They're waiting for a bus 821 01:03:37,416 --> 01:03:38,749 to Africa. 822 01:03:39,416 --> 01:03:42,707 How charming. Oliver, a warning. 823 01:03:43,583 --> 01:03:46,915 Snails, butterflies and now birds have escaped from the zoo. 824 01:03:46,958 --> 01:03:49,290 I can't prove that you're responsible, Oliver, 825 01:03:49,375 --> 01:03:53,124 but I'm sure my suspicions are not too far from the truth. 826 01:03:53,208 --> 01:03:54,582 Be careful. 827 01:05:15,750 --> 01:05:19,957 # A horse, of course Is such a noble beast# 828 01:05:20,541 --> 01:05:23,082 I've got to go back to the hospital. 829 01:05:23,125 --> 01:05:25,999 - Why? - I'm going to lose the other one. 830 01:05:26,083 --> 01:05:27,124 Other what? 831 01:05:30,750 --> 01:05:31,999 This one. 832 01:05:39,791 --> 01:05:42,082 What's the matter with you? 833 01:05:42,166 --> 01:05:45,374 - It looks all right, doesn't it? - Of course, it does. 834 01:05:45,416 --> 01:05:47,915 - What's wrong with it? - It's got to go. 835 01:05:47,958 --> 01:05:49,665 Oh, you're joking. You can't be serious. 836 01:05:49,750 --> 01:05:51,457 You pulling my leg? 837 01:05:52,708 --> 01:05:54,082 It's dying. 838 01:05:54,625 --> 01:05:56,957 How can it be dying? 839 01:05:57,041 --> 01:05:58,790 It's all on its own. 840 01:06:00,250 --> 01:06:01,624 It's lonely. 841 01:06:04,083 --> 01:06:06,832 You never see a female leg in a Vermeer. 842 01:06:07,750 --> 01:06:09,374 Have you noticed? 843 01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:13,082 Do you think it's a conspiracy by Van Meegeren? 844 01:06:13,916 --> 01:06:17,749 It's Van Meegeren who says, it's got to come off. 845 01:06:17,833 --> 01:06:20,249 He says it's a shock to the spine. 846 01:06:22,708 --> 01:06:25,415 I'm getting sore, that I can hardly move. 847 01:06:27,166 --> 01:06:30,915 Feel it. It's cold, don't you think? 848 01:06:32,583 --> 01:06:36,040 How could you both love this leg as much as me? 849 01:06:37,583 --> 01:06:40,082 It's the only leg I've got left. 850 01:06:42,708 --> 01:06:46,665 How much of your body can you lose and still recognise yourself? 851 01:06:50,791 --> 01:06:55,582 Two legs look so good together, don't you think? 852 01:06:57,333 --> 01:06:59,457 They complement one another. 853 01:07:02,416 --> 01:07:05,374 It's sad, just, they were made for each other. 854 01:07:09,250 --> 01:07:10,457 Like us. 855 01:07:11,916 --> 01:07:13,749 Like your legs, Alba. 856 01:07:15,000 --> 01:07:16,790 We are complementary. 857 01:07:17,458 --> 01:07:19,207 Of course, you are. 858 01:07:20,291 --> 01:07:23,790 Oh! What's the name of the piece at the back of the knee? 859 01:07:23,875 --> 01:07:26,832 - Hasn't got a name. - Oh, then I won't miss it. 860 01:07:26,916 --> 01:07:28,999 Lots of other common features haven't got names 861 01:07:29,083 --> 01:07:31,915 like this small piece of gristle that separates the nostrils. 862 01:07:31,958 --> 01:07:34,249 It also keeps them together. 863 01:07:34,291 --> 01:07:37,165 Why do we have to have two nostrils? 864 01:07:37,250 --> 01:07:39,082 Why do we have to have two of everything? 865 01:07:39,166 --> 01:07:41,415 - Symmetry is all. - We're twins. 866 01:07:45,083 --> 01:07:46,957 I know you are. 867 01:07:49,333 --> 01:07:53,665 Just because you've chosen now to reveal your amazing secret, 868 01:07:53,750 --> 01:07:55,207 doesn't mean I have to be surprised. 869 01:07:55,250 --> 01:07:58,165 - Who told you? - No one. 870 01:07:58,250 --> 01:07:59,582 I guessed. 871 01:08:00,250 --> 01:08:02,582 - Not even your wives told me. - They didn't know. 872 01:08:02,625 --> 01:08:03,957 They didn't know? Come on. 873 01:08:04,041 --> 01:08:05,707 - They didn't know. - They knew we were brothers, 874 01:08:05,750 --> 01:08:07,915 but they were never told that we were twins. 875 01:08:07,958 --> 01:08:11,040 Well, now, that is a surprise. 876 01:08:18,125 --> 01:08:19,332 Well... 877 01:08:20,333 --> 01:08:25,040 They can't torture me any more by burning straws between my toes. 878 01:08:25,083 --> 01:08:28,457 I can't be tickled to death on the soles of my feet. 879 01:08:28,541 --> 01:08:29,624 I can't be kneecapped. 880 01:08:29,708 --> 01:08:31,749 Or get housemaid's knee or athlete's foot. 881 01:08:31,791 --> 01:08:34,957 - Or verruca. - You can get verrucas on your hands. 882 01:08:36,833 --> 01:08:38,707 Say goodbye to my leg. 883 01:08:39,750 --> 01:08:41,124 Both of you. 884 01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:45,290 Bye, leg. 885 01:08:45,750 --> 01:08:47,415 Go on, Oswald. 886 01:08:50,416 --> 01:08:51,790 Goodbye, leg. 887 01:08:53,083 --> 01:08:54,332 Kiss it. 888 01:08:55,416 --> 01:08:57,165 It needs a send-off. 889 01:08:59,583 --> 01:09:02,915 Here and here. 890 01:09:15,666 --> 01:09:17,540 Pauvre jambe. 891 01:11:24,916 --> 01:11:26,624 Come to the window. 892 01:11:32,291 --> 01:11:34,040 Turn out the light. 893 01:11:40,041 --> 01:11:43,874 - What are you watching? - It's a convalescence present, 894 01:11:43,916 --> 01:11:46,499 to celebrate your return to the zoo hotel. 895 01:11:48,333 --> 01:11:49,749 I turned out the rhino. 896 01:11:50,875 --> 01:11:52,790 - It followed me to the corner. - And you abandoned it. 897 01:11:52,875 --> 01:11:54,915 - It'll be all right. - Supposing it attacks someone? 898 01:11:54,958 --> 01:11:56,165 It won't. It's short-sighted. 899 01:11:56,416 --> 01:11:59,957 Carry me to the window. I've never been to Africa. 900 01:12:16,708 --> 01:12:19,499 The rhino seems able to look after itself. 901 01:12:22,750 --> 01:12:24,540 Take me back to bed. 902 01:12:27,083 --> 01:12:28,749 Come and join me. 903 01:13:12,041 --> 01:13:14,874 Now, how about changing sides? 904 01:13:14,916 --> 01:13:16,874 No, I'm happy on the left. 905 01:13:16,916 --> 01:13:20,457 I exactly know my place and feel very comfortable in it. 906 01:13:21,458 --> 01:13:23,249 Though it's possibly only tonight, for the first time, 907 01:13:23,291 --> 01:13:25,415 that I am prepared to acknowledge it. 908 01:13:25,500 --> 01:13:30,290 - Know your place? - Since before I was three. 909 01:13:30,375 --> 01:13:34,457 - You have a long memory. - And a few scars to prove it. 910 01:13:34,541 --> 01:13:35,790 Prove it? 911 01:13:36,916 --> 01:13:38,415 Below the ear. 912 01:13:39,291 --> 01:13:41,082 At the shoulder. 913 01:13:44,166 --> 01:13:45,665 Along the hip. 914 01:13:48,458 --> 01:13:50,207 And along the shin. 915 01:13:54,000 --> 01:13:56,332 Oswald and Oliver, 916 01:13:57,375 --> 01:13:59,040 Siamese twins. 917 01:14:01,791 --> 01:14:04,749 Why haven't you acknowledged it before? 918 01:14:04,791 --> 01:14:08,249 - Paternal advice. - Say nothing and nobody will ever know. 919 01:14:08,333 --> 01:14:10,832 But it's something special to shout about, isn't it? 920 01:14:10,916 --> 01:14:11,915 Was it? 921 01:14:12,000 --> 01:14:15,124 Freaks and rarities used to be kept in circuses. 922 01:14:15,208 --> 01:14:17,082 Now all civilised, they're kept in zoos. 923 01:14:17,125 --> 01:14:20,082 Our mother didn't like the idea of us being a rare species... 924 01:14:57,583 --> 01:14:59,999 You have no right to use zoo equipment 925 01:15:00,083 --> 01:15:02,207 for any old animal you find in the streets. 926 01:15:02,250 --> 01:15:04,374 Specially not a black and white one, 927 01:15:04,416 --> 01:15:06,290 knocked down by a malicious driver? 928 01:15:06,375 --> 01:15:08,457 What is it, Hoyten, about black and white animals 929 01:15:08,541 --> 01:15:12,082 that you must reserve your special animosity for them? 930 01:15:12,125 --> 01:15:14,624 - Nothing! - What did you say? 931 01:15:14,958 --> 01:15:18,249 Unless you pay me £200 for the use of that dog... 932 01:15:18,291 --> 01:15:19,624 Hoyten, it's not yours to sell. 933 01:15:19,708 --> 01:15:20,957 And if we can prove you killed it, 934 01:15:21,041 --> 01:15:23,165 it's you who'll do the paying. 935 01:15:23,250 --> 01:15:28,249 I shall report this misuse of zoo property to Fallast. 936 01:15:29,666 --> 01:15:31,415 You do that. 937 01:15:43,625 --> 01:15:45,082 Come on, lad. 938 01:15:46,666 --> 01:15:48,915 I sit here for hours. 939 01:15:51,666 --> 01:15:54,290 It's like sitting amongst lighthouses. 940 01:15:56,708 --> 01:16:00,582 Each lighthouse is giving you a bearing on lost spaces of time. 941 01:16:03,208 --> 01:16:06,915 There are tens of thousands of photographs taken here. 942 01:16:06,958 --> 01:16:11,040 All taken very patiently. Because decay can be very slow. 943 01:16:12,833 --> 01:16:17,499 Nine months for the human body, they say. 944 01:17:16,875 --> 01:17:18,540 Why are zebras 945 01:17:20,166 --> 01:17:23,332 always given for the last letter of the alphabet? 946 01:17:24,416 --> 01:17:26,749 Can you think of a better word? 947 01:17:29,416 --> 01:17:34,207 What did they use for "Z" before they knew zebras existed? 948 01:17:35,083 --> 01:17:38,165 That was so long ago, nobody needed an alphabet. 949 01:17:39,541 --> 01:17:43,165 I think the letter "Z" was invented especially for zebras. 950 01:17:44,916 --> 01:17:46,582 What is your name? 951 01:17:48,625 --> 01:17:49,707 Why? 952 01:17:51,000 --> 01:17:52,749 Felipe Arc-en-Ciel. 953 01:18:07,291 --> 01:18:12,499 If you've got any control over it, I want to be buried here. 954 01:18:12,583 --> 01:18:14,415 It's not consecrated ground. 955 01:18:14,500 --> 01:18:18,582 Well, we could make it consecrated ground. 956 01:18:18,625 --> 01:18:22,832 I'll be cremated and you can scatter my ashes here. 957 01:18:22,916 --> 01:18:24,624 Snails don't like ashes. 958 01:18:24,708 --> 01:18:27,624 They'll just have to put up with them. 959 01:18:28,250 --> 01:18:31,124 By the way, you still owe me a cripple. 960 01:18:31,208 --> 01:18:32,540 Pardon? 961 01:18:32,583 --> 01:18:37,582 I said you could only come here, if you find me a cripple to cherish. 962 01:18:37,625 --> 01:18:40,665 And I expect you to find him before I deliver. 963 01:18:40,750 --> 01:18:43,165 Are we likely to find him for you? 964 01:18:43,250 --> 01:18:47,082 - You intend to make him push us out? - Push you out? 965 01:18:47,166 --> 01:18:52,624 You are both zoologists. I want you to be there when I deliver. 966 01:18:52,708 --> 01:18:56,415 It might cure you with your obsession with decay. 967 01:18:56,458 --> 01:18:58,457 Keep looking. 968 01:19:13,833 --> 01:19:16,249 - "P" is for... - Penguin. 969 01:19:16,333 --> 01:19:18,790 - "Q" is for... - Quagga. 970 01:19:18,875 --> 01:19:21,332 - "R" is for... - Rhinoceros. 971 01:19:21,416 --> 01:19:22,999 - "S" is for... - Swan. 972 01:19:44,916 --> 01:19:48,040 I'm told Vermeer's wife never sat for him. 973 01:19:48,083 --> 01:19:51,582 Vermeer's wife, Catharina Bolnes, gave him 14 children. 974 01:19:51,958 --> 01:19:54,374 My Catharina Bolnes is barren. 975 01:19:54,416 --> 01:19:56,582 Your Catharina Bolnes... 976 01:19:57,875 --> 01:20:00,749 She changed her name by a deed poll because I asked her to. 977 01:20:03,250 --> 01:20:07,082 Oh, dear, what an influence you must have. 978 01:20:07,166 --> 01:20:10,415 I understand that you are now called Leda? 979 01:20:10,500 --> 01:20:13,624 It is an affectionate joke with no strings. 980 01:20:13,708 --> 01:20:14,915 I'm glad. 981 01:20:16,458 --> 01:20:17,874 You're glad? 982 01:20:18,791 --> 01:20:20,415 Dear Alba, 983 01:20:20,458 --> 01:20:23,665 I've been very close to you on the operating table. 984 01:20:23,750 --> 01:20:27,290 With just a little encouragement from you I could be as close again. 985 01:20:27,375 --> 01:20:30,082 Take your arm off! 986 01:20:30,166 --> 01:20:32,915 Come on, Alba. What excitements can a legless woman come by? 987 01:20:33,000 --> 01:20:35,915 Enough to make your attention superfluous. 988 01:20:35,958 --> 01:20:39,207 Get off, Meegeren, you fake! 989 01:20:39,250 --> 01:20:41,082 Your shoes are muddy. 990 01:20:41,916 --> 01:20:44,207 I can always take my shoes off. 991 01:20:45,416 --> 01:20:48,374 If that was calculated to be cruel, 992 01:20:48,416 --> 01:20:50,915 you certainly don't know how to make an appeal, 993 01:20:51,000 --> 01:20:53,040 even on the poorest level! 994 01:20:53,458 --> 01:20:56,665 Now leave and take Vermeer with you! 995 01:20:57,583 --> 01:21:01,582 Your Catharina Bolnes is waiting for you, barren or not! 996 01:21:04,750 --> 01:21:08,207 I've got this new story for you about the origin of the sphinx. 997 01:21:08,250 --> 01:21:11,707 You know, what walks on four legs in the morning, 998 01:21:11,750 --> 01:21:15,707 two legs at midday and three legs in the afternoon? 999 01:21:15,750 --> 01:21:19,665 Do you think Alba would like it? It's yours for £25. 1000 01:21:20,875 --> 01:21:24,832 - We want you to make us a suit. - I know. Plenty of measuring inside leg? 1001 01:21:24,916 --> 01:21:27,040 God, Milo, you've got a one track mind. 1002 01:21:27,083 --> 01:21:29,832 That would mean you've got two, one each. 1003 01:21:31,625 --> 01:21:34,749 We want you to make us a suit. 1004 01:21:34,833 --> 01:21:36,915 There are plenty of respectable tailors. 1005 01:21:36,958 --> 01:21:41,624 - A three-piece suit. - Oh! Who's the third part for? 1006 01:21:41,708 --> 01:21:44,124 All three parts are for us, Milo. 1007 01:21:44,208 --> 01:21:47,290 But are you capable of handling the inside arms? 1008 01:21:50,875 --> 01:21:53,999 All right. I'll strike a bargain with you. 1009 01:21:54,541 --> 01:21:56,915 You get me a story published, 1010 01:21:56,958 --> 01:21:59,249 and I'll make the underwear to go with the suit. 1011 01:22:33,000 --> 01:22:35,874 Zebras die here with unfailing regularity. 1012 01:22:35,916 --> 01:22:36,957 Why is that? 1013 01:22:37,041 --> 01:22:39,874 It's about the only black and white animal left in the zoo. 1014 01:22:39,916 --> 01:22:41,874 - What about the panda? - It's stuffed. 1015 01:22:41,916 --> 01:22:44,915 - It isn't. - It is, ask Plate. 1016 01:22:45,666 --> 01:22:48,124 He moves it about daily on the bamboo shoots. 1017 01:22:48,208 --> 01:22:51,082 - How often did you see it move? - It was always asleep. 1018 01:22:51,166 --> 01:22:52,290 It's permanently asleep. 1019 01:22:52,375 --> 01:22:54,582 Plate makes dung pellets out of plasticine, 1020 01:22:54,625 --> 01:22:57,415 scatters them about the cage each afternoon. 1021 01:22:57,458 --> 01:23:00,082 - He doesn't. - He does. 1022 01:23:00,125 --> 01:23:02,415 The only trouble is he gets the color wrong. 1023 01:23:02,500 --> 01:23:04,290 They're a different color every day. 1024 01:23:04,375 --> 01:23:07,415 But don't worry. The kids know exactly what is going on. 1025 01:23:07,458 --> 01:23:11,040 - I bet if you ask Beta she'd tell you. - What a fake! 1026 01:23:11,750 --> 01:23:13,082 How could they get away with it? 1027 01:23:13,125 --> 01:23:15,749 They can get away with this all the time. 1028 01:23:15,833 --> 01:23:16,874 Haven't you noticed? 1029 01:23:16,916 --> 01:23:19,124 Catharina Bolnes is never the same twice. 1030 01:23:19,208 --> 01:23:21,249 I can only recognise her by that dreadful hat. 1031 01:23:22,416 --> 01:23:26,790 I'm not so certain whether Van Hoyten is always the same person. 1032 01:23:26,875 --> 01:23:28,415 The clothes are the same. 1033 01:23:28,458 --> 01:23:30,874 You're always supposed to recognise him. 1034 01:23:30,916 --> 01:23:33,790 You can never fail to recognise a zebra. 1035 01:23:33,875 --> 01:23:35,249 Or an angel. 1036 01:23:35,916 --> 01:23:37,082 Hello! 1037 01:23:38,125 --> 01:23:40,415 I thought you said he had legs. 1038 01:23:40,916 --> 01:23:44,457 He's taken them off to meet you on an equal footing. 1039 01:23:44,541 --> 01:23:46,999 Felipe Arc-en-Ciel! 1040 01:23:47,083 --> 01:23:48,582 Hello! 1041 01:23:53,416 --> 01:23:55,249 I'm a whore for freaks, 1042 01:23:55,333 --> 01:23:58,832 separated Siamese twins, a speciality! 1043 01:23:58,916 --> 01:24:02,749 I have been told, Madame, of your enjoyments. I sympathise. 1044 01:24:03,416 --> 01:24:07,124 I, Madame, am an inordinate admirer of horses. 1045 01:24:07,208 --> 01:24:09,249 Pregnant mares, especially. 1046 01:24:09,333 --> 01:24:12,707 I've always wished that I could've served a white pregnant mare. 1047 01:24:12,750 --> 01:24:15,040 And have you tried? 1048 01:24:15,083 --> 01:24:19,040 In this present maimed company I can admit to anything. 1049 01:24:19,083 --> 01:24:22,207 A white mare was my downfall, literally. 1050 01:24:22,250 --> 01:24:27,124 I was tossed and kicked, but I still lust after riding her. 1051 01:24:27,875 --> 01:24:29,707 Her name was Hortensia. 1052 01:24:32,250 --> 01:24:34,040 I'm jealous already. 1053 01:24:34,916 --> 01:24:37,540 Doesn't a horse have four legs? 1054 01:24:37,583 --> 01:24:40,707 Then that, Madame, is just enough for both of us. 1055 01:24:44,250 --> 01:24:46,832 And this, Milo, is for you, 1056 01:24:48,083 --> 01:24:50,082 for bringing us together. 1057 01:24:56,666 --> 01:24:59,415 Come on, Oliver, you've done enough. 1058 01:24:59,458 --> 01:25:00,665 Enough! 1059 01:25:01,291 --> 01:25:04,832 This tiger walks 10 miles up and down this cage every day. 1060 01:25:04,916 --> 01:25:07,832 Do you really think it will walk fewer miles with you inside him? 1061 01:25:08,250 --> 01:25:11,915 In a striped, flannel suit, with a crease in your trousers? 1062 01:25:11,958 --> 01:25:14,582 Maybe I should take a few clothes off! 1063 01:25:15,583 --> 01:25:17,082 Make it easier! 1064 01:25:17,416 --> 01:25:20,540 You're supposed to let the animals out, not go in there with them. 1065 01:25:20,583 --> 01:25:23,332 How can I let out the tiger? They'd only shoot it. 1066 01:25:23,416 --> 01:25:25,999 Oliver, if you don't come out we'll shoot it anyway. 1067 01:25:26,083 --> 01:25:30,040 There's not enough room in this bloody cage for a strip-tease. 1068 01:25:30,083 --> 01:25:32,582 Enough room in there for what you've got. 1069 01:25:32,625 --> 01:25:37,665 - Look, I think I'd better join you. - Oswald, one fool in there is enough! 1070 01:25:37,750 --> 01:25:41,415 Stop him! What on earth are they trying to prove? 1071 01:25:58,416 --> 01:26:01,124 The tiger was obviously making a prophetic gesture. 1072 01:26:04,166 --> 01:26:07,624 I can't consider the possibilities of joining you together, 1073 01:26:07,708 --> 01:26:09,874 but between us, could we satisfy the experts? 1074 01:26:09,916 --> 01:26:12,415 You seem to have satisfied the experts before. 1075 01:26:12,458 --> 01:26:13,499 Meaning? 1076 01:26:13,583 --> 01:26:16,499 By providing the zoo with a one-legged gorilla. 1077 01:26:16,583 --> 01:26:19,165 Do you feel that the gorilla was ill-used? 1078 01:26:19,250 --> 01:26:22,082 If you feel that my care is incomplete, I must look at the animal again. 1079 01:26:22,125 --> 01:26:25,207 What for? To amputate its other leg? 1080 01:26:25,250 --> 01:26:28,374 If it's painful, cut it off. Is that your answer? 1081 01:26:28,416 --> 01:26:31,874 Animals on the whole are designed with a view of symmetry. 1082 01:26:31,916 --> 01:26:34,624 Surely in your experiments you must have seen it. 1083 01:26:34,708 --> 01:26:38,207 One of decay's first characteristics is to spoil that symmetry, 1084 01:26:38,250 --> 01:26:40,790 - wouldn't you say? - You leave that animal alone, Meegeren! 1085 01:26:40,875 --> 01:26:43,915 - Dear me, what do you think I am? - You're certainly not Vermeer. 1086 01:26:44,000 --> 01:26:47,374 Was it really necessary to amputate a second time on Alba Bewick? 1087 01:26:47,416 --> 01:26:48,832 Yes, it was! 1088 01:26:49,250 --> 01:26:52,749 And if you doubt my abilities, I wonder why you're here. 1089 01:26:55,583 --> 01:26:57,540 Why do you want it done? 1090 01:26:58,416 --> 01:26:59,874 Completeness. 1091 01:26:59,916 --> 01:27:00,999 Hmm. 1092 01:27:01,916 --> 01:27:04,540 I will do it for nothing, though I understand that you're rich. 1093 01:27:04,583 --> 01:27:06,124 That's just not true! 1094 01:27:06,208 --> 01:27:07,874 But don't tell me. 1095 01:27:08,583 --> 01:27:09,665 How? 1096 01:27:10,333 --> 01:27:14,707 For a start, let me be the father of her child. 1097 01:27:14,750 --> 01:27:15,999 - No! - No! 1098 01:27:17,041 --> 01:27:19,665 I could help you, maybe even more. 1099 01:27:19,750 --> 01:27:24,249 I noticed, Oswald, that all your experimental subjects have been female. 1100 01:27:24,291 --> 01:27:28,874 Do you envisage taking your photographic experiment to completion? 1101 01:27:29,625 --> 01:27:32,290 See, Milo is a good friend of mine. 1102 01:27:32,375 --> 01:27:37,415 She weighs 126 pounds. She's 5'6" in her stocking feet. 1103 01:27:37,500 --> 01:27:40,415 That's one inch shorter than your wife, I believe. 1104 01:27:40,458 --> 01:27:43,874 Like your wife, she's now 10 weeks pregnant. 1105 01:27:44,750 --> 01:27:46,415 The child is mine. 1106 01:27:47,333 --> 01:27:49,832 She may very well have an abortion. 1107 01:27:51,083 --> 01:27:54,874 I can perform it. There could be complications, 1108 01:27:54,916 --> 01:27:57,124 and I can juggle the outcome. 1109 01:27:59,083 --> 01:28:02,082 You see how much I am prepared to bargain for. 1110 01:28:03,375 --> 01:28:04,915 Stand together. 1111 01:28:06,208 --> 01:28:10,749 You see, it could be made to work. I could stitch you together, 1112 01:28:11,750 --> 01:28:12,957 for a price. 1113 01:28:24,500 --> 01:28:26,915 Evolution as you know it, Oswald, 1114 01:28:26,958 --> 01:28:30,457 undoubtedly, and for the moment, ends with man. 1115 01:28:30,541 --> 01:28:32,957 - Some say a woman. - And an apple. 1116 01:28:33,041 --> 01:28:35,499 How do you anticipate completing you inquiries? 1117 01:28:36,250 --> 01:28:39,874 How much would you pay, do you think, for a human corpse? 1118 01:28:40,750 --> 01:28:43,165 God, Hoyten, I really believe you mean it. 1119 01:28:43,250 --> 01:28:48,290 Milo is about your wife's build, and age and wit. 1120 01:28:48,375 --> 01:28:50,082 And she is pregnant with my child. 1121 01:28:52,875 --> 01:28:54,915 And what's so amusing? 1122 01:28:55,583 --> 01:28:58,749 That Venus de Milo is unusually fertile. 1123 01:28:58,791 --> 01:29:01,749 - Or rather careless. - For someone without arms. 1124 01:29:02,125 --> 01:29:06,457 A little persuasion and I know that Milo is ready to visit the zebras. 1125 01:29:06,541 --> 01:29:10,749 Now zebras are notoriously fickle, very possessive of their mares. 1126 01:29:11,416 --> 01:29:13,207 Especially Grevy's zebra. 1127 01:29:14,041 --> 01:29:17,415 You know, the one with the soft eyes and the sharp hooves, 1128 01:29:17,458 --> 01:29:20,249 - and the vicious kick. - And the big prick! 1129 01:29:20,291 --> 01:29:22,374 You deceive yourself, Hoyten. 1130 01:29:22,416 --> 01:29:26,124 Just to thwart you're alone, I'd make sure Milo never died. 1131 01:29:31,916 --> 01:29:35,415 Here's your £400 for one female zebra. 1132 01:29:35,458 --> 01:29:40,415 Killed no doubt, in a corner, but for the same 400, 1133 01:29:40,500 --> 01:29:43,374 you must put in a tranquiliser gun. 1134 01:29:44,000 --> 01:29:45,415 Good Lord! 1135 01:29:45,500 --> 01:29:48,582 You're not thinking of doing your own killing, are you? 1136 01:29:48,666 --> 01:29:50,874 I strongly advise against it. 1137 01:30:07,875 --> 01:30:09,332 Do you have a flat piece of plastic? 1138 01:30:09,416 --> 01:30:10,415 No. 1139 01:30:10,500 --> 01:30:11,915 Do you have a sharpened pencil? 1140 01:30:12,000 --> 01:30:12,999 - No! - No! 1141 01:30:13,083 --> 01:30:14,499 You are well equipped. 1142 01:30:14,583 --> 01:30:16,499 Why are you doing this for us? 1143 01:30:18,083 --> 01:30:22,915 Isn't it obvious? Venus locks me into the hearts of men, 1144 01:30:23,833 --> 01:30:25,249 and monkeys. 1145 01:31:38,291 --> 01:31:40,749 What makes you two think you can behave so cavalierly in this zoo? 1146 01:31:40,791 --> 01:31:44,082 We have saved this gorilla from further mutilation. 1147 01:31:45,166 --> 01:31:46,665 By killing it? 1148 01:31:47,083 --> 01:31:51,415 Thanks to you, it was ailing. Has been for the last three years. 1149 01:31:51,458 --> 01:31:52,457 Is that for you to decide? 1150 01:31:52,541 --> 01:31:55,624 This zoo is run by incompetents and mountebanks. 1151 01:31:55,708 --> 01:31:57,915 I wonder why you've stayed here so long? 1152 01:31:58,000 --> 01:32:00,082 You needn't stay any longer. You're fired! 1153 01:32:00,125 --> 01:32:01,665 On what excuse? 1154 01:32:02,500 --> 01:32:06,915 Maltreatment of animals, for one. Misuse of zoo property, for another. 1155 01:32:07,000 --> 01:32:09,457 Unauthorised freeing of animals. 1156 01:32:09,541 --> 01:32:11,957 - We haven't finished. - Finished what? 1157 01:32:12,041 --> 01:32:15,915 Some bogus experiment that satisfies your obsessional grief? 1158 01:32:16,000 --> 01:32:18,582 What valuable conclusion can be gained from all this rotting meat? 1159 01:32:18,666 --> 01:32:19,957 Nothing! 1160 01:32:20,041 --> 01:32:23,915 - How can you measure decay? - By degrees of grief, perhaps. 1161 01:32:24,000 --> 01:32:26,790 Or by planning a zoo devoted to black and white animals 1162 01:32:26,875 --> 01:32:28,082 because you're colour-blind. 1163 01:32:28,166 --> 01:32:30,624 And making sure there's no opposition by killing off 1164 01:32:30,708 --> 01:32:32,999 all the black and white animals that aren't yours. 1165 01:32:33,083 --> 01:32:36,790 Or by using a zoo for some exotic game of barter and blackmail. 1166 01:32:36,875 --> 01:32:41,290 Or by maiming animals so that they can be expensively patched up! 1167 01:32:49,583 --> 01:32:51,374 Good grief, Alba! You kept that quiet. 1168 01:32:51,416 --> 01:32:53,582 How did you manage one each? 1169 01:32:53,625 --> 01:32:57,749 I thought I had failed. After all they are not Siamese! 1170 01:32:59,583 --> 01:33:00,832 Careful! 1171 01:33:02,916 --> 01:33:05,249 - So where've you been? - We were busy. 1172 01:33:05,333 --> 01:33:09,082 - How did you do it? - I just sat on the eggs. 1173 01:33:09,916 --> 01:33:12,665 - What did you mean you were busy? - What are you going to call them? 1174 01:33:12,750 --> 01:33:15,165 - Castor and Polydeuces? - From the rape of the swan. 1175 01:33:15,250 --> 01:33:16,457 Too obvious. 1176 01:33:16,541 --> 01:33:18,832 - Gamma and Delta. - Wrong sex. 1177 01:33:18,916 --> 01:33:21,040 Do Greek letters have a sex? 1178 01:33:22,166 --> 01:33:24,582 What's the excuse for the bruises? 1179 01:33:25,416 --> 01:33:27,207 It's not important. 1180 01:33:27,250 --> 01:33:29,415 - Did you know? - You must've known. 1181 01:33:29,500 --> 01:33:32,415 No, I can safely say I didn't. 1182 01:33:33,083 --> 01:33:36,749 But I should have guessed. And what's not important? 1183 01:33:37,666 --> 01:33:40,124 We've been fired. Sacked, dismissed, turned out. 1184 01:33:41,291 --> 01:33:42,749 From the zoo? 1185 01:33:43,208 --> 01:33:45,249 What was the last straw? 1186 01:33:45,291 --> 01:33:48,207 Did you photograph a camel with a broken back? 1187 01:33:48,250 --> 01:33:50,832 - How are you? - Tired. 1188 01:33:50,916 --> 01:33:53,665 And my feet ache, so does my back. 1189 01:33:54,750 --> 01:33:57,249 - Sorry, we weren't here. - So am I. 1190 01:33:57,291 --> 01:34:00,207 - Are you pleased? - Of course. 1191 01:34:01,041 --> 01:34:02,749 Now give them back. 1192 01:34:07,916 --> 01:34:09,374 What are you going to do now? 1193 01:34:09,416 --> 01:34:10,665 Continue! 1194 01:34:10,750 --> 01:34:13,165 Where and with what? 1195 01:34:14,708 --> 01:34:17,124 We thought you wouldn't mind us working at L'Escargot. 1196 01:34:18,958 --> 01:34:21,415 - What are you doing? - Making a zoo. 1197 01:34:22,000 --> 01:34:24,540 - Can I look? - Only if you pay. 1198 01:34:24,583 --> 01:34:26,249 The old story. 1199 01:34:26,291 --> 01:34:28,915 But with a brand new taxonomy, eh? 1200 01:34:30,125 --> 01:34:33,082 Only an innocent would put a spider and a fly 1201 01:34:33,125 --> 01:34:35,540 in the same cage because they were both brown. 1202 01:34:35,583 --> 01:34:37,624 Well, putting them together will probably tell an innocent 1203 01:34:37,708 --> 01:34:40,707 more about spiders and flies, than keeping them apart. 1204 01:34:40,750 --> 01:34:42,165 And you mustn't cheat. 1205 01:34:42,250 --> 01:34:43,749 - Cheat? - Cheat? 1206 01:34:43,791 --> 01:34:47,957 I must mark the back of your hand with ink to make sure you've paid. 1207 01:34:48,041 --> 01:34:49,499 Whatever for? 1208 01:34:49,583 --> 01:34:53,957 Now you look so alike, I can't tell the difference between you anymore. 1209 01:35:16,625 --> 01:35:18,624 We have L'Escargot ready. 1210 01:35:20,166 --> 01:35:22,582 When will you be allowed to come? 1211 01:35:22,833 --> 01:35:25,624 I'm well enough, but I'm not coming. 1212 01:35:26,875 --> 01:35:29,749 - Why ever not? - I'm ill. 1213 01:35:30,250 --> 01:35:34,249 - Van Meegeren says my spine is damaged. - God, why listen to him? 1214 01:35:34,291 --> 01:35:37,415 - Haven't you had enough of him? - I'm not coming. 1215 01:35:38,583 --> 01:35:41,415 I want to stay here, near the hospital. 1216 01:35:42,291 --> 01:35:43,749 Near the zoo. 1217 01:35:44,833 --> 01:35:47,040 But I'm well enough to tell you something, 1218 01:35:47,083 --> 01:35:49,749 that I know you are not going to like. 1219 01:35:50,750 --> 01:35:54,207 I don't want you to be the legal father of my children. 1220 01:35:57,083 --> 01:35:58,415 You what? 1221 01:35:58,458 --> 01:36:00,207 Van Meegeren has squeezed that out of you. 1222 01:36:01,708 --> 01:36:03,415 We are the father! 1223 01:36:04,083 --> 01:36:05,082 You see? 1224 01:36:05,166 --> 01:36:07,749 Well, bad grammar doesn't signify anything. 1225 01:36:07,791 --> 01:36:12,082 They went in, in two's, and they came out in two's. 1226 01:36:13,125 --> 01:36:17,124 It stopped raining. I found my Arc-en-Ciel. 1227 01:36:18,250 --> 01:36:20,415 I cannot have my children having three parents. 1228 01:36:20,458 --> 01:36:22,749 What difference does that make? 1229 01:36:22,833 --> 01:36:27,249 Listen, you found Felipe for me. You and Milo. 1230 01:36:27,333 --> 01:36:29,124 He's an ideal father. 1231 01:36:29,625 --> 01:36:34,915 Grief has made you unreliable. On your own admission, you are jobless. 1232 01:36:35,000 --> 01:36:37,999 - I cannot risk your extreme behaviour. - You risked it before. 1233 01:36:38,083 --> 01:36:40,290 It's too much responsibility for you. 1234 01:36:40,375 --> 01:36:42,707 And you will be prevented from being together. 1235 01:36:42,750 --> 01:36:45,915 - Nonsense! - Felipe will make a better father. 1236 01:36:46,000 --> 01:36:47,457 He's legless! 1237 01:36:47,916 --> 01:36:51,915 - Did that stop me being a mother? - Motherhood is involuntary! 1238 01:36:53,291 --> 01:36:58,290 - We'll take legal action. - Oswald, stop being petulant. 1239 01:36:59,000 --> 01:37:00,749 What would you gain? 1240 01:37:00,833 --> 01:37:06,749 I'm sure that unmarried male twins don't make a good legal precedent. 1241 01:37:06,833 --> 01:37:10,207 Beta now can't even tell which of you is which. 1242 01:37:10,250 --> 01:37:14,749 In the courtroom, I can't imagine that you would win. And if you did, 1243 01:37:14,833 --> 01:37:17,582 you would know it was against my wishes. 1244 01:38:02,041 --> 01:38:04,957 Do you think Adam was a Siamese twin? 1245 01:38:05,041 --> 01:38:06,999 What happened to his brother? 1246 01:38:30,083 --> 01:38:31,624 Perhaps for some minds, 1247 01:38:31,708 --> 01:38:35,749 the most difficult step to comprehend in the theory of natural selection, 1248 01:38:35,791 --> 01:38:39,957 is the enormous leap from the higher apes to 20th century man. 1249 01:38:45,458 --> 01:38:49,249 All that way to bring me to this. 1250 01:38:58,000 --> 01:39:03,665 Now I want you to be here tonight, and I mean it. No prior engagements. 1251 01:39:03,750 --> 01:39:06,499 Bring Beta's record and you can watch me go. 1252 01:39:06,583 --> 01:39:08,582 Go? Where are you going? 1253 01:39:08,625 --> 01:39:11,082 - I've had enough. - What do you mean? 1254 01:39:11,125 --> 01:39:14,040 My children are now spoken for, aren't they? 1255 01:39:15,416 --> 01:39:16,832 Aren't they? 1256 01:39:17,958 --> 01:39:19,707 And I am exhausted. 1257 01:39:20,916 --> 01:39:23,165 The swan succeeded in the end. 1258 01:39:23,583 --> 01:39:25,499 I'm busy tonight, so you can't go tonight. 1259 01:39:25,583 --> 01:39:28,499 Oh! What are you doing that's so important? 1260 01:39:28,583 --> 01:39:30,207 - I'm grieving. - Still? 1261 01:39:30,250 --> 01:39:31,665 Always. 1262 01:39:31,750 --> 01:39:35,499 - I'm now childless, as well as wifeless. - You've forgotten jobless and homeless. 1263 01:39:35,583 --> 01:39:37,457 Let's strike a bargain. 1264 01:39:38,250 --> 01:39:41,040 Thanks for 30 seconds of your sympathy. 1265 01:39:41,083 --> 01:39:42,749 - No bargains! - No record! 1266 01:39:42,833 --> 01:39:44,165 No record? 1267 01:39:45,083 --> 01:39:48,082 I'm not going to bargain over a gramophone record. 1268 01:39:48,125 --> 01:39:51,290 - You can stay away. - We'll come on one condition. 1269 01:39:52,375 --> 01:39:54,415 Don't tell me. I know. 1270 01:39:55,458 --> 01:39:57,249 You want my corpse. 1271 01:39:59,750 --> 01:40:04,165 Mon dieu, my body for a gramophone record, 1272 01:40:04,250 --> 01:40:07,624 and a visit from a pair of Siamese twins. 1273 01:40:09,083 --> 01:40:10,999 Haven't you had enough of my body? 1274 01:40:11,083 --> 01:40:13,582 - You're our last chance! - And you were my first choice. 1275 01:40:13,666 --> 01:40:15,374 Well, thank you both. 1276 01:40:15,416 --> 01:40:20,082 And we need the use of the garden of L'Escargot for nine months. 1277 01:40:20,166 --> 01:40:22,249 - A significant period. - Or longer. 1278 01:40:22,291 --> 01:40:25,332 We feel we can ask this because we've given up legal parenthood. 1279 01:40:25,833 --> 01:40:29,582 You've learned a thing or two from that zoo, haven't you? 1280 01:40:29,666 --> 01:40:32,082 Even if it's only how to bargain. 1281 01:40:32,875 --> 01:40:34,415 All right. 1282 01:40:34,458 --> 01:40:36,957 In the interest of science... 1283 01:40:37,041 --> 01:40:40,957 Some science, you can have it. 1284 01:40:41,541 --> 01:40:43,249 If you can get it. 1285 01:40:43,291 --> 01:40:46,915 But I know you won't get it because now I have a family. 1286 01:40:46,958 --> 01:40:48,749 And you know what families are for. 1287 01:40:48,833 --> 01:40:50,332 With your permission in writing, how can they stop us? 1288 01:40:50,416 --> 01:40:55,332 Oh, easily. They could write the words "insanity" or "insanitary". 1289 01:40:55,416 --> 01:40:58,707 It has long been respectable to leave your body to medical science. 1290 01:40:58,750 --> 01:41:00,874 What's scientific about watching a body rot? 1291 01:41:00,916 --> 01:41:03,415 You always said you wanted to go back to L'Escargot, so we'll take you. 1292 01:41:03,458 --> 01:41:05,582 And you'll lie quietly in the garden. 1293 01:41:05,625 --> 01:41:09,082 - With you watching? - Only the camera will be watching. 1294 01:41:10,458 --> 01:41:12,790 What's the point of watching me? 1295 01:41:12,875 --> 01:41:14,665 My body's only half here. 1296 01:41:15,125 --> 01:41:17,249 Then you'll fit better into the film frame. 1297 01:41:20,750 --> 01:41:23,124 A fine epitaph. 1298 01:41:24,375 --> 01:41:28,624 "Here lies a body cut down to fit the picture." 1299 01:41:30,958 --> 01:41:32,415 ...to share his intelligence. 1300 01:41:33,375 --> 01:41:35,832 And whatever the system he has used, 1301 01:41:35,916 --> 01:41:39,582 the ability to store and pass on his knowledge, 1302 01:41:39,625 --> 01:41:41,332 is the key to his success. 1303 01:41:41,958 --> 01:41:43,874 "X" is for... 1304 01:41:43,916 --> 01:41:46,790 There aren't any animals beginning with "X". 1305 01:41:46,875 --> 01:41:49,332 - "Y" is for... - Yak. 1306 01:41:49,416 --> 01:41:51,249 It's a sort of ox. 1307 01:41:51,291 --> 01:41:53,707 - And "Z" is for... - Zebra. 1308 01:42:07,541 --> 01:42:12,040 Good evening, Milo! It's a clear night. 1309 01:42:12,916 --> 01:42:15,915 It's not like you to speculate on the weather. 1310 01:42:16,416 --> 01:42:20,082 Just the sort of night you've been waiting for, perhaps. 1311 01:42:21,083 --> 01:42:24,207 Isn't it time you decided to do what you've been wanting to do 1312 01:42:24,250 --> 01:42:26,582 ever since I've known you, Milo? 1313 01:42:34,416 --> 01:42:37,332 - Have you got a flat piece of plastic? - Yes. 1314 01:42:38,500 --> 01:42:40,499 - A sharpened pencil? - Yes. 1315 01:42:42,333 --> 01:42:45,749 - You are well equipped. - Yes, I am. 1316 01:42:48,166 --> 01:42:49,540 Hold these. 1317 01:44:11,750 --> 01:44:14,124 Well, here we go. 1318 01:44:15,750 --> 01:44:19,249 - What's the time? - 1:00. 1319 01:44:19,333 --> 01:44:20,999 You won't be long. 1320 01:44:22,333 --> 01:44:24,915 I didn't mother 26 children of the alphabet. 1321 01:44:25,000 --> 01:44:27,499 You made an encouraging last fling. 1322 01:44:28,625 --> 01:44:30,790 I am the last at L'Escargot. 1323 01:44:31,291 --> 01:44:35,832 From here on, it's yours, along with my corpse. 1324 01:44:35,916 --> 01:44:39,749 Don't worry, the papers are signed and sealed. 1325 01:44:39,833 --> 01:44:42,999 If you are the last then we are already finished. 1326 01:44:44,125 --> 01:44:48,374 A zed and two noughts, what a zoo! 1327 01:44:51,208 --> 01:44:52,874 All right! 1328 01:44:54,291 --> 01:44:57,249 Don't do anything with my body I wouldn't do. 1329 01:45:00,916 --> 01:45:03,790 Now I want to lie still and quiet. 1330 01:45:04,875 --> 01:45:06,999 Put on Beta's record. 1331 01:45:59,083 --> 01:46:01,249 # Dogs were born for howling 1332 01:46:01,291 --> 01:46:03,332 # Cats are always prowling 1333 01:46:03,416 --> 01:46:05,415 # Beasts are always growling 1334 01:46:05,500 --> 01:46:07,665 # Nature makes them do it 1335 01:46:07,750 --> 01:46:11,832 # All the jungle folk have habits of their own 1336 01:46:11,916 --> 01:46:16,082 # A worm will turn in quite the nicest way 1337 01:46:16,125 --> 01:46:17,374 Oh, God! 1338 01:46:19,083 --> 01:46:20,415 She's gone! 1339 01:46:24,791 --> 01:46:26,707 And what are the signs? 1340 01:46:33,375 --> 01:46:34,624 No pulse. 1341 01:46:38,083 --> 01:46:39,707 No eye movement. 1342 01:46:43,916 --> 01:46:45,415 No breathing. 1343 01:46:51,166 --> 01:46:52,624 No heartbeat. 1344 01:47:01,500 --> 01:47:04,249 The skin pales and becomes stiff. 1345 01:47:04,291 --> 01:47:05,915 Turn off that awful record! 1346 01:47:06,000 --> 01:47:07,999 Wait until it's finished! 1347 01:47:09,083 --> 01:47:13,540 # A horse, of course Is such a noble beast 1348 01:47:13,583 --> 01:47:17,915 # It never shirks, but works and works And doesn't mind the least 1349 01:47:18,000 --> 01:47:22,332 # It shocks an ox To treat it like your pet 1350 01:47:22,416 --> 01:47:26,874 # The beasts that live can all forgive But an elephant never forgets# 1351 01:47:40,458 --> 01:47:43,415 - Now what? - We take her to L'Escargot. 1352 01:47:44,625 --> 01:47:45,665 In a coffin? 1353 01:47:45,750 --> 01:47:48,749 For decency's sake, we take her in a coffin. 1354 01:47:48,791 --> 01:47:50,915 In a long or a short coffin? 1355 01:47:52,208 --> 01:47:55,582 I'm sure Alba would've been amused by a short coffin. 1356 01:47:57,208 --> 01:47:59,915 At least it leaves no room for artificial legs. 1357 01:48:10,083 --> 01:48:11,915 In a long or a short coffin? 1358 01:48:12,000 --> 01:48:15,207 I don't think that'll be for us to decide. 1359 01:48:15,250 --> 01:48:17,415 The family have arrived. 1360 01:48:18,875 --> 01:48:21,457 I'm sure they'll want a long coffin. 1361 01:48:26,708 --> 01:48:30,707 Now, I see that you're upset and you like animals. 1362 01:48:30,750 --> 01:48:33,082 So I give you this as a present. 1363 01:48:37,166 --> 01:48:40,957 And we'll not be taking Alba to L'Escargot to film her decay? 1364 01:49:57,833 --> 01:50:02,915 # If you go down in the woods today You're sure of a big surprise 1365 01:50:03,000 --> 01:50:08,374 # If you go down in the woods today You'd better go in disguise 1366 01:50:08,416 --> 01:50:13,499 # For every bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain because 1367 01:50:13,583 --> 01:50:17,790 # Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic 1368 01:50:50,041 --> 01:50:55,040 # Every teddy bear who's been good is sure of a treat today 1369 01:50:55,083 --> 01:51:00,415 # There's lots of marvellous things to eat and wonderful games to play 1370 01:51:00,458 --> 01:51:02,957 # Beneath the trees where nobody sees 1371 01:51:03,041 --> 01:51:05,707 # They'll hide and seek as long as they please 1372 01:51:05,750 --> 01:51:10,874 # That's the way the teddy bears have their picnic 1373 01:51:10,916 --> 01:51:15,040 # Picnic time for teddy bears 1374 01:51:15,083 --> 01:51:20,915 # The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today 1375 01:51:21,000 --> 01:51:25,207 # Watch them, catch them unawares 1376 01:51:25,250 --> 01:51:30,374 # And see them picnic on their holiday 1377 01:51:31,166 --> 01:51:35,374 # See them gaily gad about 1378 01:51:35,416 --> 01:51:40,915 # They love to play and shout They never have any cares 1379 01:51:41,000 --> 01:51:43,582 # At 6:00 their mummies and daddies 1380 01:51:43,666 --> 01:51:49,915 # Will take them home to bed 'Cause they're tired little teddy bears 1381 01:52:01,333 --> 01:52:06,332 # If you go down in the woods today You'd better not go alone 1382 01:52:06,416 --> 01:52:10,374 # It's lovely down in the woods today But safer to stay at home 1383 01:52:10,416 --> 01:52:14,790 God! This floor is hard. 1384 01:52:16,666 --> 01:52:21,249 # Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic#